Hi,
This is Clay Stevenson and welcome to Of Mice and Moments,
A podcast that finds significance in the small moments.
I dealt with intense anxiety off and on for about a year.
When I dealt with it,
I tried a lot of things to overcome it.
I worked on meditating,
Mindfulness,
Being present,
Being aware of my surroundings and my immediate life so as not to look too far into a future that scared and intimidated me with the inevitability of sickness and death.
But try as I might,
When I was in the thick,
Dense fog of anxiety,
I could not overcome it.
I was locked in the cage of my mind and with that came shame.
I knew that I was dealing with something in my mind,
My thoughts,
Internal,
And I knew I didn't have to deal with it.
It had locked me in and being embarrassed that I was weak was something that I lived with daily.
It was hard to be open and honest about the anxiety which prolonged the healing process.
There were a few close friends and family that I confided in and confiding in them felt good,
But along with the embarrassment was a feeling of shame.
I was ashamed that I couldn't get free.
I was hard on myself for feeling the way I felt.
I was not only dealing with anxiety and depression,
But I was beating myself up for dealing with it.
I should be able to overcome it,
I kept thinking.
I'm weak.
I'm not good enough.
One day when I was wallowing in the darkness and heaviness,
Angie came home from a yoga class and talked to me about her experience that day.
She said that day the instructor had them do a visualization exercise where they closed their eyes and imagined someone who loved them sitting in front of them.
They imagined that the person was a child,
A family member,
Or a friend who unconditionally loved them.
They visualized the person who loved them being fully aware of all of their insecurities,
Fears,
Doubts,
And worries.
And then they visualized the way that person would perceive them with all of that knowledge.
As she was telling me about this,
The concept struck me as profound.
But I was profoundly inspired by the exercise because when I contemplated someone sitting in front of me who loved me,
I imagined that someone as myself.
I imagined myself looking at another me as a stranger,
Knowing all of the stranger's insecurities,
Fears,
Doubts,
And worries.
And seeing myself as a stranger,
Knowing all there is to know,
I would have compassion for them.
I would love that stranger and be open-minded to their hurts and worries.
And the revelation was that I would have much more forgiveness for myself as a stranger than I actually had for myself.
I felt shame for my weakness,
But in that moment I realized I wouldn't judge a stranger for that,
Quote,
Weakness.
If I met a stranger dealing with all the things I was dealing with,
I wouldn't look at them as less or weak.
I would welcome them with open arms and wrap them in a loving embrace,
Holding them,
Making sure they understood they were loved and not alone,
And that it was okay to deal with the issues they were dealing with,
That it was part of this experience we call life.
Even in the darkness of the anxiety and depression,
I would express hope for them.
I would express kindness and let them know that they are loved.
Not because of the pain that they're going through,
But because they are who they are,
A fellow traveler through this existence,
Deserving of love.
If you met yourself as a stranger,
I imagine,
Like me,
You'd have more compassion and understanding for that stranger than you do for yourself.
So the next time you feel shame or embarrassment or anger for your struggles,
For the emotions and feelings you wrestle with,
Extend that compassion,
Love and understanding you would readily give to a stranger,
To yourself.
