Hi,
This is Clay Stevenson and welcome to Of Mice and Moments,
A podcast that finds significance in the small moments.
Through these podcasts,
I'm hoping to give back.
I'm hoping that someone is comforted,
Given hope,
Inspired,
Given reason to think and contemplate.
As I was preparing an unreleased podcast,
The words were not flowing and the creating was not organic.
When I'm writing music or stories and the process becomes a struggle,
The end product doesn't normally turn out well.
Sometimes,
However,
I see a clear path from start to finish and when that happens,
The creation takes form almost effortlessly.
When I started this podcast,
The words were clear,
But I didn't want to tell this story because I'm embarrassed.
I'm embarrassed because it shows weakness and I don't want to be weak.
But when I pause,
I hear my dad's voice and remember the lessons he taught me.
He would say,
There's a strength in being able to confess your shortcomings.
So for this podcast,
I don't have an interesting story with an antidote.
There's no twist or turn or gimmick to keep you listening.
There's simply a frank telling of my experience with anxiety,
Specifically health anxiety.
I went through a few months of intense and dark anxiety that led briefly to depression.
The positive result of this experience was that it allowed me to better understand what others go through who deal with this.
And what it is to me now that it wasn't before is real.
Anxiety and depression are real.
When I hear of someone who is dealing with anxiety and depression,
I now realize the intensity,
Darkness and all consuming nature of it in a way I couldn't before.
Here's my story.
My finger started twitching,
And when I watched it,
I realized I couldn't control it.
I couldn't stop it from twitching.
In the moment,
I thought if it stops,
I'll be okay.
And it did for at least a few minutes.
And then it started again.
It was twitching not unlike the way my mom's hands and my grandma's hands twitched,
Who were both diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.
That scared me.
And my mind jumped to the possibility that I may be experiencing symptoms of Parkinson's disease.
Honestly,
Even now as I talk about it,
I'm triggered.
I start feeling traces of that intense anxiety and depression that I went through for months.
But then the next day,
My fingers stopped twitching,
And I could breathe again.
I'm okay,
I thought,
And I filed that experience away in a little folder I titled health anxiety,
And I left it there.
Some months later,
My finger twitched again,
And then my eye and I opened up that folder health anxiety.
Then I did something that I've realized since is not smart for me.
I went to the internet and searched my symptoms trying to find a cause.
As you may know,
Because many of you have probably done this before,
I found some horrible things that could be the cause of my symptoms.
I began worrying that I had Parkinson's,
ALS,
A brain tumor,
Alzheimer's,
You name it.
I was pretty sure I had a neurological disorder.
Actually,
I knew I had a disorder and I began imagining myself living with a disorder and the impact it would have on me.
I envisioned my kids and my wife having to deal with a crippled person.
I thought about how financially I would be impacted and how others would begin to perceive me.
As I envisioned these things,
My symptoms drastically worsened.
Not only was my eye twitching and my fingers twitching,
But other muscles as well.
All sorts of things began getting out of my control.
And my thoughts were all consumed with this neurological issue I was now living with.
I couldn't shake the certainty worry and fear of this disease taking over my body.
Looking back,
I realize now that I was holding on to that fear and worry in a sick kind of way.
I wanted to think about it all the time.
I wanted it to be with me.
I was nervous that if I let it go,
It would make it worse.
I was nervous that if I didn't prepare myself for the worst,
Then it would catch me by surprise and become an even more terrifying experience.
As someone who takes action when I feel something is not right,
I went to see my primary care physician who looked me over and told me that he thought I was dealing with anxiety and depression.
But he wasn't opposed to me reaching out to a neurologist about my concerns.
I did a pretty good job of convincing him that I had a serious issue.
At least he let me think I did.
So I went to see a neurologist who looked me over ran a battery of tests and told me you don't have Parkinson's or ALS.
So I asked him about the chance of getting Parkinson's and he told me that he couldn't predict the future but that right now I was fine.
And guess what?
I didn't believe him.
I thought he was trying to protect me protect my psyche by telling me that.
So I called the Parkinson's hotline and talked to a lady there and she told me that my symptoms didn't fit the beginning stages of the disease.
But she gave me another symptom.
She said that I had expressed no dizziness or imbalance.
And guess what happened when I woke up the next day.
I was dizzy.
The world would not stop spinning.
During this time,
I had a hard time eating,
Thinking.
Sometimes I felt like I had a hard time breathing.
It felt like I was in a perpetual state of panic.
If I was awake,
I wanted to be moving.
I didn't want to be still or alone.
Even though I continued in my tasks,
It was such a chore.
So I understand when people say they can barely get out of bed or go to work.
I know some of what that feels like.
Even during normal daily conversations with people,
Ever present in my mind was my health problem.
When I was going through that,
I didn't enjoy living.
I didn't have serious suicidal thoughts,
But life wasn't something I enjoyed.
The things I found enjoyable before,
None of them were enjoyable.
Now being out of that state of mind,
The most surprising thing to me was the all-consuming nature of the worry and anxiety.
It was like I was a different person.
In going through it,
I knew anxiety and worry had taken over my thoughts,
But I couldn't do anything about it,
And it crushed me.
I was experiencing something that I had no control of when my rational mind was telling me I should have control.
I thank God that the negative feedback loop is not consuming me today,
And at this point,
I'd like to share my path to finding freedom.
It didn't happen overnight.
First,
I became disciplined in my diet.
I did my best to eat as little processed foods as possible and was especially wary of refined sugars.
I thought that maybe there was a nutritional component to my issues.
I also started taking a multivitamin and omega-3s daily.
I began to diligently engage in exercise,
About 30 minutes of running 2-3 times a week,
And weightlifting once or twice a week.
I also did yoga almost daily.
Those were my first steps,
And even through that,
The only time I felt free of my demons was toward the end of the longer runs.
There was a point when I got very tired,
Almost exhausting myself.
And I felt like I was doing something positive for my body.
In that moment,
I was almost able to forget my health concerns.
Otherwise,
I was still caught up in it.
And after about a month of this regimen,
I found myself in relatively the same mental space.
So next,
I went to see a counselor.
I reasoned that if I'm going to live with a neurological issue,
I was going to need someone to help me deal with it.
The counselor's method of dealing with my concerns was to confirm my suspicions.
She affirmed my health concerns,
Telling me that yes,
I had Parkinson's disease.
But then she gave me three things to help my mind get on board with my new life situation.
She told me to eat every four hours,
Walk for 20 minutes,
And get 15 minutes of sunshine every day.
After that meeting with her,
I felt like my life was over.
She was the first,
Quote,
Professional to confirm my illness.
However,
I was determined to do the things she suggested.
If there was a chance,
They might help me turn around my emotions and thought processes.
I was desperate to get my mind better.
Her rationale was that by eating,
I was keeping my energy stores high.
By walking,
I was getting some exercise and EMDR treatment to help my mind process.
And by getting sun,
I was ensuring my body received a daily vitamin D.
So as soon as I left her office,
I started incorporating her suggestions into my daily regimen.
About a week passed with no results.
I needed results.
So I decided to reach back out to my original doctor and start the conversations about medication for my anxiety and depression.
I didn't feel like I was functioning well enough for my family or my job to continue being successful in those areas.
Upon consultation,
My physician felt like I was dealing with depression,
And he wanted to prescribe antidepressants.
I requested medication called Buspirone that had proven successful in helping Angie with anxiety,
And it seemed to have a less addictive property than what I had heard of antidepressants.
He agreed to try it,
And I started on 10 milligrams three times a day.
I need to take a break here and remind you that I'm not a doctor.
I'm simply recounting my experience.
I'm not recommending that it's the best for anyone.
I just know that it was the path that worked for me.
So to recap,
Here's what I was doing.
I took a multivitamin and omega-3s daily,
10 milligrams of Buspirone three times a day.
I was running two to three times a week for 30 minutes and weightlifting two to three times a week.
I did yoga almost every day.
I got 15 minutes of sunlight and I ate every four hours.
I also took a 20 minute walk every evening.
And guess what?
I still didn't feel better.
However,
I was super disciplined about doing these things with the conviction that this is all I have to hold onto.
These are the things I can control.
So I will take control of these things and see what happens.
And then it happened.
Finally,
I began looking forward to the 20 minute walks every evening with Angie.
I would just vomit up all of my fears,
Worries,
And concerns,
All the things in my mind and heart.
Angie would hear me out and comfort me.
She would reassure me that nothing was wrong.
And even though I didn't believe her,
I liked hearing that.
She gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe she who knew me best was seeing something that I wasn't.
I've realized since that when you're stuck in the quicksand,
It's often easier for someone on the outside to see that you're just standing in a puddle of mud.
I also started seeing another counselor.
I never went back to that original counselor who told me I had Parkinson's.
Even though she had given me a formula of how to get out of that state,
My one session with her was my low point.
My new counselor was generally more compassionate in her approach,
But nonetheless gave me some tough love and told me that I was assurance seeking by continually going to doctors who would tell me I'm okay.
We talked a lot about meditation and presence,
And I worked on being content where I was in the moment.
That was challenging,
But it was nice to be able to go to her every week and talk about ways that I could turn around.
She suggested that I showed obsessive compulsive tendencies and that by naming the thing that was causing me issues,
For example,
Obsessive compulsive disorder,
It might help me detach myself from the issue,
Giving me something to blame.
Ultimately,
I blamed age,
Life,
Stress,
Death and illness in the family,
And not giving myself enough space and time to relax and recuperate.
It took about three months of this to get me to the moment when I was reading a forum online about anxiety,
Which is something the counselor said I shouldn't do,
But I did it anyway.
The forum was made up of people specifically dealing with health anxiety.
I read a story about someone who was dealing with all of the same issues I was dealing with.
This person wrote about how they'd been dealing with it for years,
And eventually realized that they were okay.
For whatever reason,
When I read that this person's eyes twitched,
Muscles twitched,
And when they were stressed,
They dealt with it more.
When I read that,
It caused me to have such peace.
I was able to view my situation from a different angle for the first time since I started dealing with this anxiety.
Maybe,
Maybe I'm just dealing with normal stuff.
Why hadn't I thought of that before?
This line of reasoning momentarily snapped me out of my anxiety loop,
And that evening when I took my 20 minute walk,
I looked up at the sky and appreciated the colors of the sunset without trying to force the thought.
I just did it.
And then the realization that I was appreciating something external and not focused on my own worries and anxieties gave me happiness and joy.
I held onto that,
And from that point on,
I began my true road to recovery.
I can't say that since I haven't been anxious about my health.
It was a slow climb out of the darkest moments to the point where I felt normal again.
After a few months,
I quit taking the medication,
And there were a few cranky days mixed in,
But I was okay.
But to this day,
I consistently work out and stay conscious of eating a healthy,
Balanced diet.
I'm glad to say that I haven't been back to that anxious,
Depressed state that kissed me with such a dark kiss.
And knowing that I was able to get free of it gives me hope for you if you're dealing with it.
I couldn't see a way out when I was in it.
I didn't believe it was possible,
But it happened over time.
So if you're dealing with anxiety,
Depression,
Stress,
Know that there's hope.
Your path may be similar to mine or completely different,
But I'm hopeful that you will make that climb and find your way to the peace you deserve.
