Body Love And Beyond- Chapter 3, My Story

Body Love and Beyond is an audio book that reads as a (self) love letter to young people facing body image concerns. The paradigm shifting exercises and distinctions take readers on a transformational journey to body acceptance, personal peace, and power.

Transcript

Hey,

Insight Timers,

Here is chapter three of Body,

Love and Beyond,

My story.

It's interesting,

My story.

When we talk about our past,

We're very much speaking from the world of identity.

We're recounting events that have already occurred in order to explain who we are now.

Since I've been using my personal development tools,

I'm very much free from the past.

So it's a strange thing.

It doesn't really feel like my story anymore.

In some ways,

It doesn't even feel worth bringing up because it no longer feels part of my life or my self concept.

But I get that my story is probably really important for you to understand why I empathize with what you're going through and to why I know it's possible you can break free from this.

So here goes,

Here's my story.

For a long time,

I struggled with this concept called body image.

That is to say I had a relationship with my body that caused me pain,

A lot of pain,

Day to day,

Moment to moment emotional pain that was robbing me of joy,

Confidence and peace in my life.

That nasty voice in my head.

No one told me that voice wasn't the truth.

So I lived like it was.

Now the thing I want you to get is that from the outside,

I looked like I was doing okay.

Actually well in fact,

All throughout school,

I got good grades,

Sometimes exceptional grades.

I hung out with friends.

I watched TV.

I practiced piano.

I went to dance class.

I watched movies.

I listened to music.

I was normal.

I really was.

I didn't think I was normal because inside I was in a lot of pain.

But later in life,

I learned that everyone has some kind of conversation going on about not being good enough,

Like everyone.

That is to say that my story and your story is more normal than not normal.

It all started when I was young,

Really young.

Elementary school.

I remember being in grade one,

Looking at my arms and being like,

Whoa,

These things are too hairy.

None of the other girls in my class have all this hair on their arms like I do.

At the ripe age of six,

I was purposely wearing sweaters to cover up my oh so shameful hairy arms.

What?

I know.

It was a downward spiral from there.

The things that were quote unquote wrong about my body kept moving and shifting.

By the time I was in grade seven,

I was convinced I had a gobble.

And by the time I was in grade eight,

I was dieting and exercising like a maniac.

I would give my dinner to the dog,

Strictly eat only fruit,

Yogurt and nuts and then exercise for 40 minutes on the treadmill every night.

I got so thin that I stopped menstruating for a little while.

It didn't help that I was being called Dobby at school.

Yes,

The Harry Potter character.

And one of my beloved peers told me that the boys thought that I was ugly.

By grade nine,

I was developing a healthier relationship with food.

But by then I decided that my lips were too thin.

Then I decided that my boobs were too big.

Then I get to university and I fear that I have wrinkles under my eyes.

It was so exhausting.

I got to the point of being so frustrated with who I was and how I looked that by the time I was 18,

I went to a plastic surgeon and I was like,

Please just fix me.

To this they looked at me weirdly and just told me to go home.

The worst part about it,

I felt so ashamed that I did that.

I was so ashamed that I got to that point.

I was so ashamed that I was dealing with this.

I was so ashamed that I hardly told anyone.

Actually,

My mom was really the only one who had any idea what was going on.

And that made me feel lonely,

Really lonely.

And then I just felt more ashamed.

Probably one of my lowest points was second year university.

One night I was bursting with emotion.

I ran out of my apartment.

I wanted to hide from my roommates and I called my mom at the park near my place.

I don't remember what triggered the emotional rush exactly.

I just remember saying,

I really think I'm losing it.

And then I held the phone,

Sat down near a tree and just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

In that moment,

I declared myself depressed.

Anyway,

Remember how I said that I was really good at faking it and making it seem like it was all good on the outside?

It was a little more complex than that,

I suppose.

Sure,

I had friends,

I went to parties,

I did extracurricular activities.

I had genuinely really good times too.

It's just that along with those happy dimensions of experience,

I was also dealing with this dimension of experience,

Which was not so fun.

In certain social situations,

Particularly around people I deemed smarter than me,

I developed crippling social anxiety.

Yes,

I had my friend group that I was comfortable with,

But there were people I could barely speak around.

Depending on the person,

They might remember me as exuberant and fun loving or totally diminished and shy.

After always being an outspoken,

Opinionated,

Passionate student in high school,

I started getting quieter and quieter in university classes.

I never put up my hand and just stopped participating.

Even though I always enjoyed learning,

I wanted to be invisible so I wouldn't have to speak.

In the end,

Maybe it was my identity as Chelsea Keene,

Who is allowed to be depressed with a name like Chelsea Keene,

That had me go through the motions of going to class,

Getting the degree and maintaining some semblance of forward motion.

These contrasting dimensions of truth,

The person who had fun in university and the person who was dealing with a lot of mental emotional pain,

Existed together and simultaneously.

And that's just how things went for a while.

I accepted it like that's the way life is supposed to go,

I guess.

It's pretty sad,

Huh?

And I'm sure you can relate on some level.

Sure life has its ups and downs.

We're not exactly designed to live in an emotional space of ecstatic harmony 100% of the time.

But in hindsight,

All that inner pain felt like an unnecessary waste of emotional energy.

Like what was I really so upset about?

It didn't make much sense.

It was only when I started getting into personal development,

Consciousness expanding tools and quote unquote healing,

That I could even begin to start answering that question.

All that work is what has led me to now,

To the person I am now.

Albeit imperfect,

I have gotten past all of the previously mentioned drama,

And I'm about to share my breakthrough discoveries with you.

And here's the thing.

I can give you the tools,

But I can't do the work for you.

Self love is a commitment and a practice just like any other worthwhile endeavor.

On the other side of your commitment,

Freedom from all the body image concern is available to you too.

So get a pen,

A nice journal,

Roll up your sleeves,

And let's do the work.