The Cost Of Desire

Each thing we chase in life has an inherent cost of energy, caretaking, and protection. Of course we enjoy many of the things we have desired and have no regrets about the efforts we made to acquire them. But sometimes we are in a state of craving in which we are never at rest, always hunting for more. It is useful to be circumspect about unnecessarily adding on objects and experiences and to consider the cost to our peace of mind.

Transcript

My teacher used to talk about the refreshing well of nothingness. The refreshing well of nothingness. In our own case, When we're just hanging out, Just nothing happening, Nothing doing, Imagine if you will, You've hiked up a mountain, You've been carrying a really heavy pack, Super heavy, For several days of supplies. You get to the top of the mountain, There's a lodge, And it's really cold outside, But inside the lodge is a fire. And you come in, Take off the pack, You sit down in front of the fire, Somebody brings you a cup of soup or a cup of tea. Now, You're having a moment or several moments of the well of nothingness, Just right, Just being, Just this, This is good. This is a choice you can make in your life. You can visit the well of nothingness quite frequently. Where all the hubbub is quiet, And the big plans, And the dramas, And oh my god, The world, And your list of woes, Or your list of desires, Is quiet, Is quiet. And here you are in your own reality, In an ease of being. That is a choice. On the way here, I had two near accidents. On one of them, I was coming around the roundabout, I had looked at everything was fine, And someone was coming through, And I was in the middle, And he was, He just pulled right in front of me. He knew he had done that, And then slammed on brakes, And I said, No, Go ahead. But in both cases, I noticed a kind of flutteriness right after, Of course. And immediately, I just moved my attention, Just said, Okay, Okay, Okay. I just went back into quiet. This is a habit, As I always say, And it's a habit that changes your life. Right? You go from a ruminating, Perhaps a future fixation about what if and when, Or a kind of muddling about the past, None of which is taking place actually, Other than in present time. Right? Past and future only exist as ideas. Now here in this gathering, The invitation truly is to just visit your well of nothingness. Just hang out. I offer these sessions as an immersion, Not to learn new things or new philosophy or new anything. As an immersion, To taste the actual experience so that it's familiar to you. So you think, Okay, I like that, And your mind comes back to it. That's the whole point. That's the point of what is known as satsang. Truth communities translation. Basically, That just simply means, Not to make it too fancy or too esoteric, It just means those who love the taste of truth, Of the reality of being, Who love that simple taste, That simple experience. You don't have to go on some big journey of practice and spiritual training to experience what already is. The preciousness of this life that you're experiencing. It's not far away. It's not in some other place or time. So, I'm just wondering what the difference is between being awakened and not being awakened. Well, It's not terminology that I would actually use. Okay. So, I can't really comment on that concept. Being awakened, For instance, It's often posed as a steady state. It sounds like it's a steady state in that way of saying it. And I don't really accept that premise. I think there are moments of awakened awareness, The qualities and moments of awakened awareness, Where you are wakeful in that you're recognizing this very thing I'm speaking about, This simple presence, This well of nothingness, This kind of frisson of delight just being. But I don't see it as a steady state. It really is not that. So, Saying it that way, The difference between being awakened and not being awakened, I would just reframe it slightly. And that is that sometimes we're in confusion and trauma or white hot desire or any number of things that have taken over the mind and perhaps are clouding our true understanding, Our true sense of being, Just with mind clouds. And then sometimes those clouds are just not there due to the fact you've moved your attention into reality. So, I would rather say it that way so that it doesn't have this kind of finality to it. So, I don't accept the whole idea of enlightenment so-called. There's a lot of talk about enlightenment in spiritual circles, Reaching enlightenment, Attaining enlightenment. I don't use any of that way of seeing it. I haven't met anyone who I think is enlightened, Even though I have met a lot of amazing teachers, I think some of the most amazing that lived in my time. In this span of time, I had access to them. And that is not to take anything from any of those people. They are and were, The ones who have died are, Now I'm not with us, Extraordinary people. One of my wonderful teachers, He once said this line that I treasure, He said to his attendant, Sometimes I'm not in satsang. Sometimes I'm not in my true self, In my truest heart. Because the conditioning that we all live with as humans, Right, Extreme conditioning. And so, Of course, Sometimes we're caught in it. Sometimes we're irritated. Sometimes we say or do something that in hindsight we realize came from being very unclear. I allow all of that and I'm so glad to have been with teachers who really understood that and allowed it. Like one of my Buddhist teachers and great friend, We're talking about the 1970s. And he had gone into his room for a month-long retreat at our center. He was only in his room. People brought food outside of the door. He had his own bathroom. He didn't come out for a month. So he came out after a month and I was part of the staff. We're all hanging out in the lunchroom at lunchtime. He saunters in. We didn't realize he was coming out that day. He walks in and somebody said to him, Wow, You're here. Where did it go? And his answer was, The mind has no pride. I love that. That's what he said after a month of being with his mind. Right. The mind has no pride. I mean, It just does everything. It's gone. It's like I said last time here, A wild monkey. A monkey mind. So we allow for that. We allow the times you just feel crazy or things will go through your mind that you cannot believe. We have to allow for this kind of humanness. It's just human conditioning. The difference is that when there's a kind of habituation into simplicity, Into being, When the mind is going off, You notice it more quickly. You just notice it. And therefore there's a gap between your thoughts going through and what's coming out of your mouth or what you're doing with your actions. You know that there's a gap and that you can trust that you're not going to act on your crazy thoughts. And as you're more habituated in this, You also trust that you're not likely to say the horrible thing. Or if you do, You make amends quickly. You get used to a certain ease. And anything apart from that is recognized as quite uncomfortable. You see, People often adapt to agitation and anger. They adapt, And it's sort of how they feel in life. You know, They go through life and that's their experience of what it feels to be alive. A lot of people are actually driven by anger in what they're doing. That's the engine that's running the whole system. And this is toxic. It's unhealthy. It's certainly unhelpful in a life. It makes a mess. And we all know that that's sometimes been our experience, Perhaps. Or sometimes people are driven by, Like I said before, White hot desire, Just hungry. In Buddhism, There's an understanding called the Pataloka, It's the realm of the hungry ghosts. It's considered a hell realm. Those beings who cannot ever be fed, No matter how much goes in, Or what experiences and stuff that they get, They're never, Never satisfied. Or only momentarily, Perhaps now and again. The images of the pages of the Pataloka are these creatures that have these enormous bellies and a little tiny pinhole in their mouths, Just forever hungry. So we also know people who maybe are living that way. And also we have moments in our own lives where we are hungry for something. But then you get the new thing, The new phone. You went on the trip, You can't wait to get home. You know, All of it, Right? There's a way in which you begin to realize your desires have a cost. Anything that you're chasing, Like you get the new house or the new furniture or whatever it is, Every single one of those things, All of those things require care, Caretaking and protection. You've got to take care of the stuff and protect it. Or you get the new relationship, Let's say. And maybe, Of course, Let's hope it's great, That it's wonderful, That there's lots of joy. But there's a caretaking when you're in a relationship. It takes a lot of energy, It does. And you give it joyously, And the same with having kids, All of those things. But it does have a cost, An energetic cost. Everything we go after or have comes to us, We're taking care of. It is requiring attention and energy. So especially when you're just sort of adding on unnecessarily, When you're adding things on just because you're hungry, Hungry for more experience, More stuff. There's a real beauty in less is more. It's not a cliche. There can come a point in one's life or one's understanding where you're a bit loathe to add on more stuff and more experience. Like you think, Do I really need that? And no matter how delightful it might seem, It's going to have a cost, It's going to have energetically a cost. The thing that was kicking around in my mind as you were talking about that sort of chasing things and that all makes a ton of sense and sort of the material world. But what about a sort of chase for meaning, You know, That sort of at this stage of my life preoccupies my thoughts and that feels like the similar sort of hunger and looking in search, But not really necessarily, And sometimes finding it and being at peace, But then resuming the search. And yeah, Kind of curious. Yeah, I mean, It's a fair question in that we do like to have a sense of meaning. I'm hesitant to use the word purpose. I don't really like that word that much. But living in a sense of meaning is definitely preferred. Now, How did it come to that? I always recommend this very same simple understanding, Which is that when you are living in this sweet spot, In your delicious well of nothingness, Just being just open, You're more responsive to opportunities or to things that attract you in a really true way, In a kind of wholesome way. You're very susceptible to those kinds of pulls. And you're pretty good when you're sitting in that space, You're pretty good at waiting for the pull rather than doing the push. Because how many times have we all pushed into something out of restlessness, Out of thinking, I want to get some kind of meaning or purpose out of this situation. And you find yourself in an ill-fitting reality, Where you're not a creature who's adapting to this. So you get very comfortable not doing that push. And you're then ready for something that is true in a deep place for you. The more you sit in that deep place, The more that all becomes clear. I've had so many conversations over the many years with people who were in an ill-fitting job or relationship, And the more quiet they get, The more clear it all becomes. And if a change is necessary, A change is then made. And it's made in a graceful way without ripping the skin off the snake, Which is not possible. It's made in a very easy way, Not with fear. Because sometimes people are stuck in a circumstance, But they fear the upheaval of changing it. And so they just stick in it a lot longer. And people go through a lifetime like that, Unfortunately. People can go all the way to the end in regret, Actually, In a circumstance that is unhealthy. Lots of people, I think, Also don't have many options, Sadly. Lots and lots of people in the world. We live in cultures whereby we do have a lot of options for change and for pursuing other things than what we just were landed with as our conditioning. But I recommend making this a high priority. And then see what attracts you, Yeah? See what lights you up, What feels good. There was a teacher from many years ago, He's long dead, Carlos Castaneda. He said, When choosing a path, Choose a path with heart. If you're going to choose a path, Choose a path with heart. You let your heart shining guide you. I wasn't here for the last session, But I listened to a little bit of the podcast. And you were answering a question to someone, And I think your answer was something like, Young people should just be joyful. Was it? Did I say that? Well, You were kind of like, Life's short, It happens fast. I don't know if that's a paraphrase. So yes, I was basically saying, Yes, Allow a lot of joy in your life. Yeah. Because there's lots of things to take seriously, Or people, You can choose to take life very seriously, Right? Yeah, I mean, I'll speak for myself. When I was young, I was fretting about so many things. I was just in a constant drama. And I look back and think, And we had still had fun. But, You know, Because being young is fun. But, But I look back and think, Gosh, What a waste all that misery was. Most of it was irrelevant. I can't even remember what the dramas were about. Lots of the worries never came to be. And anyway, Go ahead. Well, Yeah, I don't know if I have an exact question there. But it sounds that sounds like a very good attitude. You just dropped all those preoccupations, Anxieties, And you're approaching things with a good perspective. But I guess any advice then to have that attitude, Because I think I look at some, I don't have children. And I see that with some people who have children, It's like a lot of things just fell into perspective. Because they're looking after someone, They have a child, Right? Yes. Other life events, Deaths, Same thing. The awareness you speak of as well, That's, That's another way. But it also sounds just like a way that you approach, You're kind of thinking about things as well, Which is helping. Yeah, What's handy about the awareness that I'm speaking about, It requires no other conditions. So a lot of people who become parents, Let's say, Which is a wonderful journey, Of course. But it is a kind of way that your attention is now concentrated. A lot of people will describe it as my heart is walking around outside of my body. You know, Your psyche, Your dedication, Your everything is, Is given over to these, This other person or these other people. And the mind can't just be getting into trouble, Because it has a job, A lot, Till they're up and out of the house and gone on their own. And then you're still, They're always in your mind with kids, Apparently. So that is a very tried and true way that people can get out of their own self obsession. It's a really tried and true method. And I think a lot of parents are blissfully happy in that job. That does make a difference for so many people. They love it. But again, It is, It's not a guarantee that's going to be a happy situation. So what I'm speaking about is actually a guarantee that the peace at least, The peacefulness is something that you can choose and habituate in. And people can have that as parents as well, Of course. And many do. I know lots of parents who are very attuned to this. And also an advantage to that is that then they're transmitting that to their children. They're transmitting a kind of peaceful ease of being to their children. The other part of this is that when I said it has no conditions, Sometimes people become disabled, Or they have a disease, Or they're dying in pain. Or they're in a circumstance that is inherently stressful, An illness or some kind of collapse of a business or whatever, Things like that. This understanding allows you to float through those very hard times much more easily. It doesn't protect you entirely from suffering, But just way more easily, Way more gracefully, Much more peace in it. I have to say I have so many friends, Regrettably, I have so many friends who've passed away, Especially in the last 10 years. I've lost several lifelong best friends. And to the one, They have died gracefully. They died as Dharma people. Not that they weren't in pain, Not that they were not sometimes afraid, But it's been an incredible inspiration to watch. Going back to the joyfulness, Are you kind of saying that's very similar to that kind of sense of ease, Or not necessarily? It's just sort of a byproduct that having joy is much easier or more available, I guess? Yes, It's more available. Not that in these really tough times, Like through the business going away, They're super joyful? It doesn't sound like that. No, No. I mean, Sometimes there are these tough things that you can't pretend that this is joyful, You can't talk yourself into it. But at the very least, You might find a lot of peace in it, A lot of quiet, That's basically surrendering and saying, Okay. And with regard to joy, Let me say as an aside, The trick with joy is to be susceptible to small joys. So not to have an idea that this big change has to happen in your life, Then you'll be really happy. Find all the little ones. That's the trick to real joy in a life. And there's lots of little ones. Maybe there's not a huge number of big ones, But there are lots of little ones. And I mean, Really get forensic with it. Just really small joys. Like when you've put clean sheets on your bed, It's like, Great, Just enjoy getting into your clean sheeted bed. Right? Things like that. Just all those things without which life isn't quite as joyful. It's all these little small things. Just start noticing them and be grateful. I wanted to say one more thing about the Dharma seeing us through. It's a story I've told many times. But in the 80s, I was living in an apartment building in Boston. And I had friends who lived in that same building, Really good friends. Anyway, One of the two of them got AIDS. And it was prior to the time of having medication that was life saving. But he and I always joked about how the Dharma ruins your life. Now, It was sort of an insider's joke. And that is because you are no longer entertained by a lot of just nonsense and fleeting things, Right? You're not really entertained by those kinds of things. And you can't get away with anything either. You can't misbehave. Because someone's always watching, Which is you. So we would joke about how the Dharma ruins your life. Anyway, He got AIDS. I had moved to California. At the point that he was nearing death, Really in bad shape with AIDS. And I don't know if you've ever been around people who have advanced AIDS, But it's pretty intense. I decided to go back and visit him. I went all the way across country. And when I got to his door, He opens the door. He looked like kind of a skeleton, Except for these big orb eyes, Big blue eyes, Staring at me. And he said, And he literally used this phrase, Which was hilarious. We both laughed. I've been dying to tell you something. And then he said, The Dharma really pays off in the end. What a teaching, Right? I mean, There he was. He was reporting from the field. He said, We both burst out laughing. The Dharma really pays off in the end. And along the way. I'm not exactly sure what I have to say. But what comes to mind is just this acceptance. And there's a lot of things in life that I'm not really happy about. But when I accept them, Obviously, There's peace. I spend a lot of time not accepting them. There's a sort of willful, That really should be different. This is not quite right. Yeah. You know, I often say to myself and to others, You don't have to like it. To accept something, It doesn't require that you like the situation or the outcome or whatever. That's a little bit of a bridge too far in most cases when you don't really like something. But just say, Okay, This is what's so. This is such as it is. I would have designed this whole show very differently. This whole thing. So there's so many things that could use some tweaks. But what to do? Are you just going to be in frustration and resistance and wishing the world was different? Wishing maybe that you lived in some other time, Some other place? So you can just agree that you don't particularly like some of the things that are here in samsara, Full of lots of suffering, Full of injustices that we have to swallow. That is just how it is. Devoid of a kind of assuagement that would make it all fair play. We have to live with the injustice that occurs and perhaps no rectifying of it. These are hard. It's hard. And yet, Why add on your own misery with the story? It shouldn't be this way. When it is this way. That's the part that I think is in the acceptance. It's the acceptance of what is. It's not necessarily the acceptance of the miserable thing as being okay. It's just the fact that the miserable thing exists and you have to say, Okay, Yeah, I can't fight that. Can't fight it. I often say to myself, Such as it is. Right? Just something I don't particularly like, But such as it is.