Talk on Aloneness

Dharma Dialogues session with Catherine on aloneness; its power and its difficulties.

Transcript

Welcome to In the Deep.

I'm your host,

Catherine Ingram.

The following was recorded in April 2017 in Lenox Head,

Australia.

It's called Aloneness.

Jean-Paul Sartre said,

Hell is other people.

For many,

Many people,

Their troubles have to do with what other people are doing.

The behavior,

The beliefs,

The politics,

The words of other people.

We mostly don't spend a lot of time fretting about what the other animals are doing,

Right?

We don't really think about it that much.

It's the people,

The human animals.

But what if they were not so dissimilar from the other animals in terms of the behavior,

In terms of their being driven by certain natural impulses or conditioned impulses,

And after a point,

It all starts to feel very impersonal,

Including your own.

It starts to feel very much like a program that's running,

Designed by nature.

So one of the things that makes us upset and why hell is other people is there's a story that they should know better,

But they just don't.

Just as you didn't know better,

Sometimes when you look back and see there were certain things you did that you consider,

That it didn't go well.

You might say it was a mistake,

But you really didn't know better than you were operating with what you knew at the time.

So when there is this sense of hell is other people,

One of the things I do with that is one of my shortcuts that I say to myself is he or she,

He's just being him.

She's just being her.

It often cuts through.

I see it from a more spacious point where I realized they're operating with their full compartment of their full compliment of wisdom or intelligence or lack thereof in the moment.

As that applies to ourselves,

If we're lucky,

We learn from our supposed missteps.

We learn from looking back and having a bit of remorse about something,

A behavior when we were hellish to someone else or to ourselves.

We look back and we think,

Doing the best I could at the time,

But happy to learn that lesson going forward.

But not everyone is able to learn the lessons.

Not everyone learns easily.

Let's face it,

There's different levels of ability in students.

So some,

In Buddhism,

There's an image that supposedly the Buddha used where he said,

There's the slow learner,

The really slow learner.

He likened to a horse that to make it go,

You really have to crack it with the whip a lot of times.

Terrible,

Terrible thought,

Terrible image,

But anyway.

Then there's the sort of medium student where a few cracks with the whip and it goes.

And then there's what he considered the highest,

The most intelligent,

Where,

As he said,

The horse would only need to see the shadow of the whip.

And so some of us,

As soon as we see the shadow,

We get it.

Others of us have to really be beaten a few times with the whip.

But as we can see,

There's a range always in our own case.

Sometimes we've learned things quickly and sometimes not so quickly,

But we also see with other people,

Sometimes for whatever reasons,

Wisdom does not come easily to them.

We even see people who get all the way to the end of their lives.

There's this sort of hope and you do see it that older people have learned a few things with time.

And you do see that,

True.

But you also see sometimes you're astonished that people get to a certain old age and it doesn't seem like they've learned much at all.

That does also happen.

When there's an attraction to Dharma,

There is a quickening of what I call awakened intelligence.

There's a quickening of wisdom when there's an attraction to Dharma,

Because it's like your mind starts focusing on a certain channel and it keeps feeding things and all the information coming through is being fed through the Dharma channel.

So when it's obvious something has to be let go,

Letting go starts to happen.

When it's obvious that something needs to be reconsidered in terms of behavior,

That just automatically starts to happen when there's this tuning into,

Let's call it for today,

The Dharma channel.

And you rely on that to get through in life.

You rely on that awakened intelligence to arise as needed and to guide you as needed.

And one of the things that that,

Another aspect of it is that when you're thrown by the behavior,

By the politics,

By the madness of humans that is going on on this planet,

Right?

The Dharma channel takes that information,

Sees it as it's happening,

Sees it as the news comes in and there's some kind of merciful surrender that says they're just being them.

It may be very costly for all of us.

Maybe.

There's a pecking order at school,

Not just with the kids.

With the moms.

With the moms.

So it's really interesting as an older mom at a school to watch all this stuff going on.

And I'm a mom that drops off and gets out quickly and doesn't hang around,

You know,

And then shows up to do a project and then gets out.

And the other day,

I realized I was affected.

I was kind of hurt because I've been there a while.

Well,

The kids have been there a while.

And I guess you'd say some alpha females.

I just noticed,

Oh,

It's really curious.

I've never really chatted.

And I'm an open person,

You know.

So,

You know,

And I can see there's a tinge of hurt there in that,

You know.

And definitely I would feel,

I feel alone there.

This is being honest.

So it was expo day and the room was full with parents and full,

You know.

And I was right there wanting to be really present with each child and really,

You know,

Look at,

You know,

Take my time.

And then I noticed in my body,

It was just getting really hot because all the parents were talking a lot together in the middle of the room.

And I just felt I need to get out of here.

It was just this thing,

Go.

And so I sat alone in the playground.

It's probably something I did as a kid,

But you know,

So this is a lone thing.

It's a quality in my story.

But that aloneness is part,

I think it's actually protected me.

I mean,

That's that what I'm recognizing is using my own words.

But you know,

The Dharma is showing up in that way.

I don't need to get involved.

I don't need to,

You know,

And what I notice is it doesn't deny the little hurt or the feeling of feeling left out or excluded or a little uncomfortable or,

You know,

Picking up what's in the space.

But there was a real acknowledging of me and my dignity in the playground,

You know,

Waiting for the kids to come down.

And it was sitting there alone.

You know,

I'm not in the clique.

Yes.

And I've never been in the clique really.

Yeah.

Good,

Good,

Good.

Very good.

So yeah,

So this is an example of what that's what comes up when you're talking.

Okay,

This is an honest,

Practical example for me.

And there is some sadness,

You know,

Because you want to be part of and you're not in that way.

Yeah.

If you if your nature is akin to that of say an eagle,

Right?

And you're not going to want to hang out in the chicken yard.

And the chickens don't want to be an eagle.

They're happy being with each other in the chicken yard.

Right?

So,

But there is I and I also so a pain and I was going to address that part,

Which I really loved the way you expressed it.

Because here's the great freedom.

It's not that you ever find yourself entirely free of these kinds of emotions of pain of hurt of feeling left out,

Or sometimes jealous or all those kinds of things.

Again,

Through the Dharma channel through the Dharma perspective,

What that does with it,

It just says,

Okay,

You're being just as you are,

You're feeling just what you're feeling.

That's it.

And there's like an undercurrent,

A deeper layer of acceptance that is just perfectly fine and quiet with however the creature is responding.

So there you are sitting in the car.

And there's this little wistful thing of how come I,

I don't get to be the joiner,

I don't get to join in,

It is unpleasurable for me.

How come?

Whatever you know,

That kind of story that goes on and another part is saying also is deeply surrendered.

Right is deeply honoring of your own nature.

And that's great freedom.

Right?

Sometimes one walks alone,

And it's lonely sometimes.

And it just is.

But the trade off that you're making is actually is actually protective and is actually more aligned with with your own integrity.

I was one time at a party in San Francisco,

And it was incredibly high level and it was incredible.

The cook had been flown in from Italy,

Two or three weeks in advance,

Really world class chef,

And had been working for all that time to prepare this along with various assistants.

It was at one of them in one of the most beautiful properties in the entire Bay Area,

Which has many but this was really one of the best.

And of course,

It was filled with dazzling people,

Right?

Well,

I invited some of my friends to this party.

And just a few of them,

Just a few friends of mine.

And midway through this,

All I could think was,

I want this to end,

I just want the don't want to be here.

And one of my friends and I,

He's very much like me,

Another eagle,

We found each other,

And we went to like the back of some one building that's on the property.

And there was some steps.

And we went and sat on those steps away from the party,

Just the two of us.

And we had a real conversation.

And during this real conversation,

This is going back about 2526 years now.

During this real conversation,

He's Jewish.

And he told me that there's a story in Judaism.

Anyway,

Somehow it's a belief system that he said something like that,

At any given time,

There are only around 12 wise people on the planet.

Have you?

Yeah,

This sense of not that we necessarily thought we were two of the 12.

But but pointing to the rarity of people who want to live in the really deep waters,

And that is not that many people.

I mean,

It is just not.

And,

You know,

And so,

I mean,

Eventually,

We had to go make an appearance back at the party.

But for me,

I almost remember nothing of that party.

And kind of blanked it out,

Except sitting with him in those in that precious time that we entered into the eternal truths,

You know.

So for some people,

That's all that's interesting to them.

And they cannot just chit chat,

They cannot just yak about nothing for very long.

I mean,

One can do it politely for a while.

But you just can't make a habit of it as many,

Many people do in the world.

I mean,

It seems to me many people in the world never talk about anything else.

They never talk about anything but superficial things and are uncomfortable,

If anything veers into something a little more profound.

And if one is not made that way,

If that's not interesting to you,

You have to accept not fitting in to that club.

And it can feel lonely.

And we can feel it sometimes with family,

We can feel it in all kinds of circumstances where we yearn for it to feel connected.

And there may even be a little story that says this should be where I can be myself,

This should be where I am accepted for no particular reason,

For the incontrovertible reason of just being.

This should be that.

But sometimes it really isn't.

And even though that thought arises and that little hurt arises underneath it,

As I said,

There's a surrender,

There can be a surrender that just says,

Okay,

So be it.

If I have to walk alone in the world,

Poonchaji once said,

If no one comes to satsang,

I'll have satsang with the breeze.

Right?

That if no one else wants to have this conversation,

Then I'll have it with the breeze.

And the other thing to know is that as much as we yearn for it,

To have somebody or some group of people,

Our tribe,

Really know us intimately and really get us and really celebrate,

Get the beauty of our trip.

It may not come to be even with the most,

The closest,

Most intimate friends,

Lovers,

Family,

Everyone.

There's a great passage by Einstein in which he talks about that all his life he had felt like a lone traveler and even surrounded by family and friends and even standing in front of hundreds of people on a stage,

That these feelings of aloneness have intensified with the years,

That it's gotten more and more as he got older,

More and more the intense experience of aloneness.

Isn't that incredible?

I'm just really enjoying also the room and how the synchronicity of often when I'm called to come and sit with you,

That it's exactly what I need to hear in the moment and how the real gift of other people's experience allows me to see my own experience more clearly,

Like having a torch shone upon us.

And that's occurred for me today as I also am challenged by being alone and waking up this morning and have a beautiful view of a big tree and just,

And I have a cat that snuggles me and just opening the blind to that tree and seeing a gorgeous parrot sitting in that tree and just feeling that sense of beauty and wonder and expansion and joy for the moment and then in another moment feeling sadness and so there's a lot of that going on for me and it's almost like a breath in and a breath out.

So as I draw that in and then and choose great freedom and one moment and then sorrow,

Aloneness,

Wanting a partner,

Wanting friends to share who are on my wavelength and all those things.

So it's very potent.

Everyone's sharing today.

Yes,

That is certainly on the subject.

But it's great that you're experiencing both,

And of course it arises feelings of.

.

.

It's easy to obsess and get caught in a thing and I do know that over time I've been,

My heart's been broken open many times and I welcome it now for the great expansion that will occur even though at first it's very painful and I just allow myself to have that pain and welcome it and let it flow through me and know that one day there'll be a little bit less of that,

There'll be a little bit less of the obsessing and the thinking and more of the bird on the tree or the breath.

I've just been enjoying this beautiful bird song today and the breeze that's been coming through in WAFS and just the blue sky,

Everything,

The beauty abounds.

Thank you.

That's lovely.

Lovely.

Wow.

I can't really add anything to this.

So I think we'll end here.

This has been In the Deep.

You can find the entire list of In the Deep podcasts at KatherineIgrim.

Com where you can also book a private session by phone or Skype,

See the schedule for Dharma dialogues and retreats or make a tax deductible donation in support of this work.

Till next time.

Reviews

Such a gift! This talk about aloneness is wonderful... and gets me in the deep. Also the comforting circle of women sharing their personal points of view. ..was very heartwarming. Thank you! 💚❤️🙏

I feel seen in finding this work. Thank you for this dharma talk. Namaste

This podcast really helped me explain something I’ve been struggling with for a long time. I really like the phrase “ they are just being them.” I’ll remember that next time I have a negative interaction with someone. Thank you so much ❤️

Perfect timing for this chat🤗💓
Namaste Catherine😇🌹
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo🌎✨☮️🌈🌟

thank you for this open and honest conversation. it was so perfectly understood and helps to bring one's inner personal challenges into perspecpective. the world is so much bigger than 'me'🙏💕 from the netherlands

Amazing talk, Thank You 🙏🏻

As an INFP this resonated with me 👍

EXACTLY what I needed to hear! Went straight to the heart, validating so many emotions. Admittedly, started a bit slow but was worth listening to the end. Thank you 🙏

Brilliant 🎁 I walk alone in my group of one. It is a gift.

Powerful and Simple To Follow. Will Try To Apply To My Own Life.

Love the music before and after.
It’s just so nice to hear of other people that struggle with the feeling sad at times about wanting to fit in with the chickens, but no matter how hard we try, it’s just not who we are.
Embrace and believe in who we are, be real. If it doesn’t come naturally, then it’s surely telling us it’s the wrong path.
Thank you.

Pure gold for all those who often don't find their place in social settings and experience themselves as a bit different and definitely in the minority.

Loved this! I'm getting to be a deep water person more and more. This subject is exactly where I am finding myself. Thank you for sharing. There is a peace that comes from being true to ones self.

I walk alone as well

Brilliantly clarifying, this one I will definitely come back to often. Thank you!

The guest speaker tho!!!! Very relatable to where I am in my path

Thank you so much for sharing, very helpful for where I am in my life and also where I have been.

This resonated with me. I have recently parted ways with a best friend and also a lover. I have been struggling with aloneness, what keeps me going is the focus that I am on a journey towards knowing myself and that the universe will provide what I need. Thank you for this perspective. It was a wonderful way to start my morning.

Learning not to judge- learning to except people for who they are- changing your perspective to a Happy adapter🙏🏻🦋💕🌸