What Other People Think Of You (4 Of 5)
This is day 4 of 5 - diving into what other people think of you. How much time do you spend thinking of what other people might think of you? And at what cost? Let's use whatever causes pain, causes contraction, to develop. And by doing so, achieve more happiness for ourselves and those around us. Thanks for practicing with me, Carlos
Transcript
Welcome to this day number four of five of what other people think of you.
Vulnerability based trust is about being honest,
Right?
And I've had a rough night's sleep because of our puppy,
Because of our kids.
And I'm here in the last minute opening up,
Entering the setup on the inside timer.
And I can feel,
You know,
That my body is tired,
My mind is tired.
I need to figure out the camera.
There's some stress in my body.
Because I'm telling myself that there's certain things that I need to live up to,
Right?
So right now,
Breathing in profoundly as I'm still working out the settings.
Noticing my shoulders,
Calm down.
The cameras are now switching to landscape,
Feeling myself becoming more calm.
Checking the microphone that I'm gonna use.
Noticing my voice also changing.
25 seconds left.
Not gonna have time to check the microphone because I do want to close my eyes and remind myself why I'm doing this.
And I am doing this to give as much as I can,
To make a significant change for whomever I meet on my path.
So that they will be inspired to do the same and thereby we can help the kids,
7 generations forward.
And we are live.
Good morning,
Good evening.
Hello everybody.
Hello Ryder.
I think that you're new here,
Right Ryder?
This is your first day?
I would remember that name.
Hello Vienna,
Diane.
Great and welcome.
So Ryder,
I don't know,
Where are you from in the world?
Hello Jillian,
Edinburgh,
Scarlet.
So Ryder is new to the group.
There's probably more of you that are new to this group.
Hello,
Let me know where you guys are from.
I can recognize some of you from the other days.
So let me just know where you're from.
I'm just gonna adjust this a bit.
California.
How are things in California?
That's a really open question,
Isn't it?
You could answer that for long.
So Phoenix.
I'm asking because I've been quite a lot in California.
Ryder,
You're from California as well.
I've traveled quite a lot on the whole,
You know,
From up in San Francisco down to Diego.
San Diego.
Really love it.
Come on from.
.
.
Hey,
Harley,
Biergol.
Actually,
I think that Harley is a good old friend.
Is that you,
Harley?
Let me know.
I think it is.
It might not be.
Okay.
Massachusetts.
I don't know why I love that word.
The name Massachusetts.
It's like.
.
.
So beautiful.
No.
Alright.
It's another Harley.
It's a guy I know from when I started to become a psychotherapist.
So I thought Biergol,
Harley.
Yeah.
Okay.
There are two of you.
At least that's his.
.
.
That's his.
.
.
What do you call that?
Nickname.
So listen.
For all of you that are here,
You know,
If this is your first day,
I am recording as you can probably see.
And as you might also probably see from my hair,
I haven't really slept that well.
I didn't get this morning shower.
It's 6.
30 a.
M.
Here in Denmark.
I'm placed in the southern part of Denmark.
So there's not really any street light.
It's very dark outside.
We are going to see the sun in a bit rise up.
So if you're new to these live sessions with me,
You'll find out that I talk.
We meditate.
I talk and meditate.
And even though I wrote that it's going to be like 30 minutes,
It's usually from 45 to 1 hour.
And yesterday I got myself in trouble because I'd forgotten that I had to drive my daughter to.
.
.
We're in lockdown as well,
But we have small study groups.
So she was going to a study group.
When I finished here,
I had to really be.
.
.
You know,
That was my first practice of vulnerability because what we're talking about in this session is.
.
.
Or these sessions is what happens inside of us when we have thoughts on other people's behalf and then return them to us for us to contract.
We're working with a line where we can either go below the line or above the line.
Below the line we're a victim,
Villain or hero.
So I'm not going to go too much into this because we covered it.
I am going to use it.
But you can listen to the two other days which are already published.
So we go below the line when we feel that somebody is thinking negatively about us.
And we tend to go into a victim role where we will feel victimized by other people's thoughts.
If it's somebody who we are comfortable with hierarchy-wise that we are kind of equal with,
We will take up the fight.
We will not take up the fight with a higher ranking officer.
We will not take up the fight with somebody we are afraid of.
You probably know that feeling at work.
If there's somebody with.
.
.
Some have this.
.
.
What do you call that?
Righteousness feeling inside of them where it doesn't matter how high they are in the hierarchy.
Nobody's going to talk down to me and they will get mad.
But most of us,
Including myself,
The first 30 years of my life had a tendency to make myself smaller,
Contract.
But then I went into hero to please.
And then I was knocking myself in the head,
Telling myself that I was wrong.
So what we're working on here is understanding what goes on inside of us.
What goes on in our nervous system,
In our brain.
What is it that we're telling ourselves?
How can we start challenging that?
So that was what I came from was that yesterday was about vulnerability based trust,
Which is the first step in a guy called Patrick Lencioni's model for how to work in teams and companies.
I work with teams and companies as well,
As well as a psychotherapist.
It's actually the same work.
In companies we just called it depth coaching.
That's a term my brother came up with.
So in companies,
If you mentioned that you're a psychotherapist,
It's scary.
But if you mentioned that you are a coach working with deep coaching,
Then it's fine.
So it's the same stuff.
It's 100 percent people everywhere.
Right.
So Patrick Lencioni has this model where the first basis for all relationships is trust,
But it's vulnerability based trust.
So just to give you this example of yesterday when I finished here.
I was happy because,
You know,
I was so filled up.
We've gone more than an hour.
Carina was my wife was waiting for me to come out and she was so frustrated with tears in her eyes.
So traditionally I would contract and I would feel she was blaming me.
Why are you blaming me?
I'm doing this because I want to become better or you didn't tell me that I had to.
Well,
You know that.
So I would be going into a fight.
I would be contracting.
I would be telling her indirectly that I'm the victim here,
Not you.
And that's what we often do because we are between six and 12 years old emotionally when we get stressed,
Sometimes four years old.
And the logic behind this is that we haven't practiced it.
None of us have practiced this stuff for more than maybe hours at time at best.
Because we've had some things that we had to deal with with a therapist or group therapy or something like that.
But but the angle there is that there's something wrong with us.
The wrong with us is that we were not all exposed to this kind of learning in school.
We should have had this stuff in school.
We should have learned about relationships,
About our brain,
All this stuff that we're covering now.
So these are all the different models that we're working with.
This is not something,
You know,
This is I've been on my own journey consciously for the past 17 years.
I had my breakdown as a 30 years,
30 year of age,
Very classic 30 year identity crisis.
So all of this stuff has,
You know,
Developed since then.
And all these models,
I use them because they every time I look at one,
There's a story behind it.
There's a every everything on this sheet is something that I've worked on in depth and that I use every day working with people.
And that that's why I'm here.
I want to share stuff.
And I was so amazed that,
You know,
We hear how many people right now,
49,
Right,
From all over the world learning stuff.
And I get also inspired by you guys.
I don't remember her name.
I think it was Leslie that can be a he or she.
Right.
But but she shared this book,
Which is How Emotions Are Made,
Which I then looked up.
Amazing book.
I'm really,
You know,
Into that right now.
So we can inspire each other also here using using the the the common field.
Right.
So what happened yesterday was I did notice the contraction,
But I was in such a,
You know,
Aware state because of our session.
Then I went completely down to the emotional base trust here.
So I was completely,
You know,
I'm sorry,
This is my mistake.
I should have checked with you yesterday and made sure that that,
You know,
Really,
Really not going into the fight.
And that's where instead of going below the line,
Instead of going below the line into drama,
Into running,
Wanting to be right or blaming or feeling fear.
Instead of going into victim and then into villain because she was kind of being villainous.
She was talking to me in a way that I not noticed that I was contracting.
But then by using the practice that we do in here with many of the other beautiful teachers with breathing,
We can consciously become aware of this contraction and start moving up into the creator.
So the creator is understanding that that this is going on.
But I don't want to continue to circle this vicious circle down here.
We're going to want to go up and challenge myself instead of being a villain and being,
Oh,
I'm such an idiot.
Why didn't I remember I was just challenging myself to really be there for her,
For my daughter.
They were both not very happy.
So for me,
Sharing stuff like this is also vulnerability based trust,
But because I would just sit down here and just give you,
You know,
Follow what I thought that we would be able to talk about and do these things.
But it's such an important thing for me because the first 30 years I was actually being quite the actor,
Quite the having creating fake trust,
Because I was I had become a person that was so far apart from my core self,
For my true self,
For my soul,
That I've come to become a person that was just all the time being nice,
All the time pleasing,
Giving.
You're going to move.
I'm going to be there.
Just let me know.
I'm going to help you.
Let me pay for this.
Let me I mean,
All this stuff just to feel as if I was any worth.
Right.
So getting home and feeling the emptiness and feeling all that.
I mean,
30 years.
That's a long time.
And I do know that,
Of course,
First part of our lives is development and creating this personality in order to function well in relationships.
And this is going to be the point today is,
Is what do we feel about ourselves?
And it can be a hot potato,
Because if we're having negative thoughts on other people's behalf,
There must be a recipient in there which is maybe kind of agreeing with them and feeling that contraction because,
Oh,
They look through me.
They saw what what it was really like.
This is called the imposter syndrome.
This is when we we we are all the time afraid that somebody is going to find out that we we're not really that good at anything.
Or we we're just being actors and imposters.
Right.
I know that I've dealt with this quite a lot.
I don't know about you guys.
So let's let's.
That was a lot of words.
Let's,
You know,
Close our eyes.
I'm going to I'm practicing open eye meditation.
So before I go ahead and do this meditation,
The reason for me sharing that I do open eye meditation is because I'm so focused on how can we take this stuff that we practice in here and then integrate it into the world.
Yesterday,
I gave myself the challenge also to reach out to my brother and be vulnerable with him.
I'm going to share how that went as well.
So I'm focused on creating that transition where we take this and meditation doesn't stop that we go into the washing the dishes.
We go into our work still being mindful,
Still being I mean,
There's only now.
Right.
So so thinking that meditation is something that we do here and then we do this part.
I'm kind of wanting to stretch this whole,
You know,
18 hours or how much time you are awake.
And then be present all that time.
That for me is enlightenment.
I'm not thinking like men,
That's something where I'm sitting on a chair for many hours.
We are in meditation all the time.
OK,
That was even more words.
So let's go ahead and get settled.
Not necessarily comfortable because we need to focus.
If you do want to,
You know,
Lay on a couch,
You know that for many of you guys,
It's late.
So if you can use this to fall asleep,
Please do so.
So just relax.
You're not going anywhere.
You're just here.
And even though it's practice,
It's not anything I mean,
It's not let's not take it so serious.
Let's just relax.
A small smile on the lips does always help.
Just noticing your deep in-breath,
Just filling those lungs up all the way down to the bottom of the lungs,
Have a small break and then just empty those long lungs slowly.
Have a longer exhalation and also a small break before you bring more into the lungs.
Really noticing those shoulders relax when you exhale.
Also,
Make sure that you relax those eyes.
Just transition into a normal,
Relaxed,
Natural breathing.
Small smile,
Smiling in your eyes,
Relaxing your eyes,
Your eyelids.
Maybe you're feeling or hearing your heartbeat.
Everything is safe.
Everything is okay.
Everything is good.
You're here just being one person,
One soul in a big circle of people wanting the same thing.
We're a safe group here,
Safe circle.
And we can see each other for what we are.
All the good and the bad,
If there is such thing as good or bad.
All the weak stuff,
All the strong stuff,
If there is such thing.
So take a deep breath.
Now,
Tune into what your intention is for this session.
What would you really like to bring with you?
Not only for the next couple of hours,
But for the rest of your life.
How could this transition into something that you will practice every day because you already are aware or will become aware that it's something which will make a huge impact on your life?
What's your intention?
What is it that you want or need to learn?
Let it be a sentence.
Let it be an emotion.
Let it be an image that you see.
Just make like a mental note,
Like remembering this word or this sentence or this image,
Because I am going to ask you to use it later.
And also maybe the following days if it does make sense to you.
So let's get ready to move our attention outwards again.
Maybe stretching.
And if it's morning,
If you're from Europe or if you're from other continents,
You might be yawning,
You might be tired.
That's just fine.
Thanks a lot for those donations already.
I am going to share later on.
I'm going to have to remember a lot of things that I need to tell you guys about before we finish off.
Alicia,
I think that being transparent and vulnerable,
We've talked about this stuff with being good actors,
Right?
And I think it was you,
Kate,
That wrote that you were an award-winning actor.
I don't know if it was you,
Maybe it was somebody else.
What is acting?
And we can say it with a smile on our lips,
But the thing is that being conceived,
Having nine months inside the belly of our mom,
Already there is creating our nervous system.
We are in the soup of our mother's feelings and thoughts and all of this.
We're taking that in.
So depending on what our mother was or was not doing,
We will already by then be modeled,
We will be created.
Then we get born and then there's the first three years that are the most important in regards to relationships.
And again,
We can be influenced in many different ways.
But what happens for us people that create sensitive nervous systems that need to have thoughts about what other people are thinking because we are all the time alert.
We're all the time scanning and having this aware nervous system because we need to find out how,
You know,
We need to find out are they happy?
Are they mad?
Are they sad?
Especially,
That's not my case,
But especially with clients that I've worked with that have had childhoods with alcoholism or other stuff that's really been hard to them.
They will have developed.
And actually,
The thing is that traumas,
And I mentioned this also yesterday,
We can be traumatized even if it's stuff that wasn't,
You know,
Super,
You know,
Traumatic,
Traumatizing the event that happened.
But it depends on what happens inside of us.
The trauma is not what happens to us.
It's what happens inside of us.
This is from Gabor Maté.
There was a really a big eye opener for me.
So we can also be experienced traumas that will be from stuff that didn't happen.
Parents that were not,
I mean,
If we had parents struggling,
Which most of us have had because it was a hard time for them,
That generation as well,
We would be there maybe dancing to get attention or trying to get either the positive or the negative attention.
Or we would be a part of a sibling group where all this was going on,
You know,
Trying to fit in and being all the time trying to in that hierarchy find our place.
And that could create a nervous system,
Which is all the time trying to figure out what's going on,
What's going on.
If we carry that on into our teens and our adult life,
We will be doing the same until we learn something else.
And that's what I'm here to try to translate over to you and hopefully give some different ways of practicing with this.
Listen,
Do use that comment field.
I will be looking down once in a while.
And when we finish off,
I'll open up if there are any more specific questions.
So transparency and vulnerability was what I was coming from.
And it's so important because,
I mean,
We become versions of ourselves,
Right?
We become what we are sure the world wants to see or at least think we're sure of because we found out that they don't want this.
That felt bad.
So I found out if I do this,
Then I feel loved.
But if this is more me than this,
Then I will be losing myself.
And depression comes from this gap being too big.
It comes from losing ourselves.
That's the best definition of depression that I've come upon.
Where sorrow is losing something or somebody,
This is losing ourselves.
So we depress all the emotions,
All the true self.
We depress that.
So what we're going to be working on here is what is it today for this session?
What is it?
What are the thoughts that we're having about ourselves?
And stop getting it from out there because we're just projecting that out.
It's about what's going on in here.
And when I say that it's a hot potato,
It's because,
Oh,
Am I going to have to really look in deep about what's going on inside of me?
Yes,
That is my point.
And with the story that I told yesterday about the Buddha that in the short version was a Buddha that was not really nice and was cracking open.
And they decided to find out whether it was really damaged inside before they just threw the whole thing out and created a new one.
But they found out opening it that through this very thick layer of clay and all these other things,
There was a complete massive gold Buddha.
So yes,
What I'm claiming here is that by working with all these pain layers,
That's what Eckhart Tolle calls these pain layers from our childhood experience.
My claim is that there is massive gold inside,
But it's not the massive gold that we usually associate to.
It is massive gold of freedom,
Not being.
One of the biggest things that I've come to understand is that I am nobody.
And just saying that makes my,
You know,
What do you call that?
Goosebumps?
I am nobody.
I am a nobody.
I'm nothing.
Because that liberates me from all the thoughts that what I should be or what I could be or what I want to be or what they think I should be.
Those are all the thoughts.
Me being nobody means that I'm here.
I'm so proud me and my girls.
We walk 45 minutes.
Also my wife every day now.
45 minutes.
Yesterday we walked for an hour and 25 minutes just talking.
So what I'm getting at is how can we start letting go of all this energy we're using on sending things out and getting it back and being all the time in this,
Oh,
What are they thinking?
What am I feeling?
Where am I?
Am I over or below them?
Or it's so exhausting,
Right?
So what can we do small steps in order to start challenging these things and bring it back home?
What is it that I think?
What is it that I feel about me?
I mean,
How many of you have actually taken 10 of the things that you think that other people think of you and gone over to them and asked them?
Listen,
I just need to check.
I'm having thoughts on your behalf that you think that I have a big,
Sorry,
A big ass or that I'm stupid.
I just want to check.
Is that true?
How many of you have done that?
I haven't.
I mean,
I've learned to do so to,
You know,
Reality check this stuff.
I can also mention the other days that I am going to challenge you in this.
Let me know so far what question there might be.
Are there any questions so far?
I know that I'm sharing quite,
I'm,
I'm,
I,
Sometimes I see myself at this plane that comes with all these,
One of you mentioned a comment.
It's like truth bombs that can hit us.
But sometimes I know that I can also feel too much on you guys.
So let me know if it's OK with all these words,
Less words,
More focus on something.
Yeah,
Exactly.
So let me just know first,
Are there any questions so far?
Secondly,
Speed up,
Speed down.
Let me know.
OK.
So Scarlett says,
This is great.
Kate says,
This is great.
So we'll just continue.
OK,
So.
Actually,
What you're right,
Kate,
Kate with just a K and not an image.
It's OK.
Everybody say it's perfect.
Great.
And it resonates as well,
Holly.
Thanks.
We lose ourselves into a world where we become something that we think we need to become because we mirror ourselves and everybody else who has a villa,
A car,
Two kids,
A cat,
A dog.
And in order for us to feel as if we're part of that tribe,
We need to do the same so we can get caught up in this.
We should and we could and we need to and all of this.
So so this inner child that you mentioned,
Kate,
And I quite agree that it's in there and it is in that inner child that the liberation is,
Because that's where all the creativity or the joy or the happiness or the connection is.
I mean,
Kids laugh that much so much.
Right.
And I really challenge myself also.
I'm laughing a lot more because as kids,
We laughed a lot more.
Everything was so much more in the now.
So how can we let go of all that that we should be and break with the norm and start getting back to who we are in the core?
I had a session which was about finding our why,
Our passion,
What we're here for.
And that is specifically going back into this inner child.
Most of us,
If we haven't dealt with our past,
You know,
Therapeutically wise,
We will feel pain when we think back of our childhood and all these unhealed traumas.
And this is where that gold Buddha comes in and the clay,
Which is the pain layers that dealing with that,
Working with that will bring us to what you mentioned,
Kate,
Is that that inner child can be a direct path to freedom from all of this.
Because as kids,
We didn't spend that much time thinking about what other people thought of us.
I mean,
We just didn't.
And if we did,
I'm 100% sure that it was something about the family circumstances that you were in,
But we were not doing it consciously.
So let's use the meditation to practice the calming down our nervous system.
Let's use our mental capacity to start challenging what the thoughts that we have on other people are and then take responsibility in here for what are the thoughts that I have about myself.
Hope it makes sense.
So let's move into the next meditation.
So the next meditation,
The other days we've been having meditations and also reflections.
And the first day I asked you guys to write down everything that you thought that other people might be thinking of you.
What I'm saying now is that everything on that sheet is you thinking that of you.
But you're giving them out there the responsibility for that.
And that's a no go.
I've done that thousands of times.
So when I say it's a no go,
It's more to challenge you as I challenge myself to take responsibility for everything that goes on inside of me.
Yes,
I can be a victim for what goes on outside and I can be hurt by that,
But I'm 100% responsible for how I deal with it.
So all these emotions that we create are created real time.
We are not,
You know,
We don't have this on stock.
It's not in motion.
Our anger emotion is not the same.
It feels like the same that we used 100,
000s of times.
But reality and what science tells us and what this book,
How Emotions Are Made,
Tells us is that we create feelings real time.
But if we create these feelings real time on what we're expecting to happen based on the past,
Guess what?
We're just going to be repeating past.
We're going to be repeating below the line with the drama and the victim and the hero.
Right.
So let's let's challenge ourselves.
These thoughts that arise right here,
Real time.
So we can create a new narrative.
We can start feeling good about feeling bad.
We can start feeling better about the contraction because that is the fuel to start developing ourselves a lot more.
OK,
So let's get comfortable.
Let's get in a good,
In a good,
What do you call that?
Let's just sit down,
Sit down on our pillow or our bed or whatever we have.
And then also,
It's so important,
As I mentioned earlier,
That meditation,
We can we can extend that gap.
So meditation is not when we sit down here or when we use five minutes on tracking the time.
Meditation is now,
There is only now.
So meditation can can only be now.
And now is always.
So when we when I say go into meditation,
It's more that we are turning inwards to practice more in depth or in width.
So we can we can meditate going down.
We can meditate going up.
We can meditate.
What I'm saying is horizontally and vertically.
It's important to start understanding also what is what are my darlings in meditation?
Some people want to meditate up where everything is.
Oh,
So such a blissful thing.
Others want to meditate down where it becomes a lot more dense and we work with with more heavy stuff.
Or we can meditate out in the width,
Which could be just expanding with all kinds of different meditation forms.
But for now,
This might have confused you.
It did for me at least to begin with.
But for now,
Just when we go into meditation,
It's just turning that attention inwards.
Just noticing your breath.
So just let's transition into that.
I will practice my open eye meditation.
And you can just go ahead and close your eyes or keep them open or do a bit of both.
Small smile on your lips.
Just reminding ourselves that this is just learning.
Let's go back to that child approach to this.
We're learning.
We're having fun.
We are trying to figure out how to put these puzzles together or how to see the puzzle,
The puzzle and the pieces of the puzzle.
And just notice that breathing,
Notice those sounds,
Those emotions,
Thoughts.
But just noticing them,
Not doing anything about them.
It's all yours.
Everything that you experience right now is your creation.
Everything.
You're creating the breath.
You're creating the sounds.
You're creating everything.
And if you can,
Listen and listen to your heartbeat.
And if you can't hear it,
Then feel it.
It can help also physically to put a hand on your heart.
Just notice that beating that that loyal heart that's been beating there since,
Since you were in the belly of your mother.
Such a loyal,
Loyal,
Loyal,
Warm and true friend.
Continuously just being there.
Making sure that we can continue on our path.
You are safe.
You are okay.
Everything is good.
So here comes a question.
Just be completely true to yourself and honest to yourself.
And the question is,
Are you willing to start being honest with what you think of you?
Without running away.
Are you willing to do that?
Be very honest.
It might be a no.
It might be a maybe.
It might be a little.
Or it might be yes.
Or anything in between that.
So are you willing to start being honest about what you think of you?
And work with that.
Just notice what happens inside of you.
It's just so important just to be open right now to this.
Am I willing?
And slow is fast with these things.
So just,
You know,
Take your time.
And if it is a no,
Please do hold on to that and don't let yourself get in that feeling of maybe now moving on I could do it.
Just be true to that.
There's always a new moment where you can make another decision.
So taking the next step.
If you are at a maybe or a yes.
What is the one thing that I think about myself that is limiting me the most?
So what is the one thing that I'm thinking about myself that is limiting me the most?
Just be so true to whatever arises.
It might be images.
It might be something from your past.
It might be the inner mom,
The inner dad.
It might be a trauma.
But just give it time.
What is the one thing that I'm thinking of myself that's really standing in the way?
That's really important for me to start looking at,
To start working with.
So take a deep breath.
And also be true to,
It might not make sense what came up,
But be really true to that whatever came up is true,
Is there,
Is important.
Mine doesn't make sense,
But I'm going to share that with you.
Doesn't make sense.
But at the same time it does.
Okay,
Let's get ready to move our attention outwards again.
And I actually think that I'm going to use that,
You know,
That way of,
Instead of saying meditation,
Just saying that we're going to move our attention inwards and outwards,
Because then that is what I'm saying,
Right?
That we do that all the time.
Let's laugh a lot more.
I'm so sorry that I can't hear you guys so I could listen to your laughter as well.
I actually had an idea for doing a laughter meditation.
You remember that there was here in Denmark this wave of popularity around this laughter therapy.
Have you had that also in your countries?
Where there were these laughter,
Not therapists,
But coaches.
So they would come out and they will start,
You know,
Laughing and then you would be laughing.
And then you couldn't stop laughing.
Did you have that?
I'm not sure that I'm going to do it.
But yes,
It would be great.
Laughter yoga.
Awesome.
Yeah.
And what I,
You know,
With the clients that I work with,
I tell them,
Well,
There are two things that will really,
From a nervous system perspective,
From a physical perspective,
Liberate you.
One is tears.
The other is laughter.
So it's actually,
If we can do both.
So yesterday I did cry.
I had,
You know,
As I mentioned yesterday,
I did have these dreams and it really,
These sessions,
Because I mean,
When I do these sessions,
It's 100% out of from where I am right now.
So that's also,
I walk the talk with these sessions.
So when we finish off here,
I continue the work.
What I mentioned yesterday in regards to my brother and wanted to reach out to him.
I talked about,
I think it was Clara that wrote,
What if our significant one doesn't want to mirror this vulnerability based trust?
What if we open up and we open our heart up to the one that we trust?
And then that person is just like,
And doesn't mirror our vulnerability.
What then?
And that was such a good question because then we can actually,
You know,
Redo the thing that we did as children and we can,
You know,
Feel again that everything is such,
Almost is re-traumatizing,
Right?
So what I was sharing yesterday,
And remember that everything that I share is just my point of view.
There's no truth to this,
Whatever you can use,
Use it.
But what I shared was that,
That yes,
We can experience that,
But this process is so much about start developing what we think of us.
Start developing what we think of us.
That's why it's so important that we start identifying what are the main things that we tell ourselves about ourselves that is limiting us from being ourselves.
And what I mentioned before that doesn't make sense is that I have such a strong belief inside of me that nobody likes me.
And that's why I say that it's not rational,
But stuff like this isn't rational.
It's emotional.
It's something that I still need to work with inside of me,
Which is inside my body,
Probably pre-language.
As I mentioned yesterday,
I'm from Chile.
I'm a political refugee and the coup in Chile with Pinochet and Allende,
Which you might have heard of in 73,
Was on the 26th,
As far as I know,
13th of September,
1973.
And I was born on the 28th of September.
And my mom told me that I didn't want to come out.
I mean,
She was overdue.
And what she was exposed to was the coup.
My father,
Because he was working under the democratic government under Allende,
Was imprisoned.
She didn't know if he was alive or not.
So she was going from morgue to morgue,
Looking at dead bodies,
Trying to find if my father was there.
So just sharing this,
You know,
I can understand that I'm almost getting nauseous right now.
So taking deep breaths.
So,
Of course,
Everything that happened inside of the belly of my mom affects us.
So what I'm getting at is that no matter what story we had,
Let's not have that story stand in the way of us becoming what we are here to be,
What we are.
Let's work with that.
Let's have all the therapy that we can.
And if we can't afford that,
Let's take as many of these sessions or read books or whatever.
We can't talk with people.
So let's use these meditations,
This kind of,
This way of calming down our nervous system,
To start creating this new experience of ourself,
Which is a lot more positive.
So what I've had to learn myself was that when I had panic attacks through meditation,
To understand that the panic attack was now.
PTSD is something from the past,
Right?
It's something where we,
With our mirror neurons,
Whether it's the fight or the fear or whatever it is,
We will be not here.
We will be in the past.
So what I had to learn,
And this goes for those thoughts as well,
That's just in a minor scale.
What I had to learn is that when that emotion arises and it can feel so uncomfortable and so my vision narrows and I feel like I'm almost getting,
You know,
I can't get air just to be with it,
Just to embrace it.
So the reason for me sharing this with you is that that embracement is such an important thing.
It's so important to embrace the stuff that we look at as being something negative,
Something bad,
Like the contraction,
Like that feeling of feeling uncomfortable.
Let's start,
You know,
Practicing really being the mother or the father that can really handle that,
That can really embrace that.
It's like us,
When we get really small inside,
Having that part of us that becomes the mother or the father,
That start embracing that.
Because then we are taking 100% responsibility for what's going on inside of us.
We all have our narrative.
We cannot,
You know,
Close our eyes to that.
We can start working with this from the past in order to develop this in the present so that we can use our imaginative,
You know,
Capability to imagine what it is that we want to succeed with.
A lot of words.
Yeah.
Pick up that child and rock her.
So picking up that child and getting an understanding what is that inner child.
There are many good books.
If you Google inner child or on YouTube,
Write inner child,
There's so much good information.
And actually when you say rock,
I don't have your name,
But guest,
The last that commented,
There's a part of our brain that actually,
When we rock,
And you maybe notice that if somebody's feeling,
You know,
Stressed,
They will be rocking a bit.
We have a part of our brain that,
You know,
When we do that rocking calms down our nervous system.
It's just like yawning,
It calms down our nervous system.
If we really want to calm down,
Start yawning,
Start crying,
Start laughing.
Okay,
So let's get back to what we were coming from.
So what I'm challenging you to do today is to take a piece of paper.
I actually did one,
This one that says,
What did your mom and dad think of you because much of that we've adopted.
But on the other side of that paper,
I am going to write,
What do I think of myself?
What is it?
What are the thoughts that I have about myself?
And this might create a contraction inside of you,
But what I'm getting at is that if you answered,
Yes,
I'm willing to work with this and maybe just taking baby steps,
Eating a little bite of that elephant.
That's what we eat an elephant,
Right?
Small bites.
And so it could just be one thing because,
I mean,
The counterintuitive thing with this stuff is that if I already feel that I have a low self-esteem or low self-worth and I'm already feeling bad,
Are you asking me to start telling myself why I feel bad about myself?
That doesn't make sense.
But my point is that,
Let me make the point in another way.
If this candle,
If all of this,
What do you call that?
Stereine is called in Danish.
What do you call this?
Anybody?
What do you call the white stuff?
Yeah,
Sorry.
Of course.
If all of the wax here represents all our negative thoughts about ourselves,
We can start doing our meditation.
We can start doing our inner inquiry to start burning away all of those convictions,
All of those thoughts.
We can start identifying with being the flame.
For me,
The flame is the identification is the soul.
It is what is still 100% intact inside of me.
It is what words cannot describe.
It is something inside of me that I do not understand.
So this is purely being open to that there is a soul.
I decided a time long ago that I didn't want to believe things anymore.
Because by believing one thing,
I'm closing down something else.
So I started to just be open.
So I'm open to whatever,
You know,
Reincarnation or nothing or I'm just open.
So I'm open to this flame representing the part of me that keeps on burning and it will burn all the things that I think about myself that are not true.
And I will embrace the things that are true so that I can start distinguishing between what is it actually that I need to work with to develop.
But by not working with it,
I'm just creating this stagnation inside of me.
So what I'm asking you to do,
Which might feel counterintuitive,
But just take small steps,
Is to write down what I think of myself.
Not what mom or dad thought about me or felt about me,
Not what my colleagues think about me,
Not what the world think about me,
But really take responsibility.
Get back home.
Let's come back home.
When we leave ourselves to be out there and what other people think of us,
There's nobody home and there's nobody home with that inner child.
So let's get back home.
Let's listen to that inner child.
I use this word inner child,
But you can also just say whatever I tell myself.
It's still an I,
It's still me.
So writing down what is it that I think of myself.
And just if you feel that this is not a very nice exercise,
Carlos,
Why are you asking me to do this?
It makes sense in some sort of weird way.
Why should I do this?
Well,
Only do it because you can feel that there's some truth to it.
So I need to work with that thing that on a very deep level,
I feel that people don't like me.
And it doesn't make sense because I like myself,
I love myself,
But there's still something inside of me that this meditation,
This process has shown me that there's still stuff to work with.
That was what I shared yesterday.
That's the third I,
The third I that can,
You know,
We can use that to look even deeper.
There's the one down here.
So when you do this,
You can make it into meditation also later on today.
You can,
You know,
Sit down and just close your eyes.
And you can just imagine yourself,
You know,
Being in these different situations that you probably had a lot of if you're dealing with stuff like this.
And just notice what is it in myself that I'm thinking of myself,
But stop projecting it outwards.
Start just taking it inwards and finding out what is it that I think of myself.
Is this a hard exercise?
Let me just know.
Or is it like,
No,
It's okay.
Let me just know.
And please do let me know what you guys think.
Is this,
You know,
Asking you to write stuff down like this,
What I think of myself?
And the perspective right now is negative,
Right?
We're going to be working with the positive as well,
Because we do.
Okay.
So it's challenging,
But great.
Okay.
So I'm so interesting exercise.
Excellent exercise.
Okay.
So,
So listen,
I can't stress this point enough.
When,
When,
When Claudia,
You write interesting exercise.
What we do in real time as human beings having that approach is that we are in a growth mindset.
We are above the line when we start to do stuff like that,
That I'm asking you to repeat something that would traditionally feel really bad.
Then we are actually moving it to this now.
And this is where we're creating new emotions and we are creating a new way of feeling ourselves,
Thinking of ourselves,
Entering this stuff where we let go of the past,
But we enter this now.
This is how we create the next now,
Which means that when you do this and you do it again and again and again,
The emotion associated to it will not be contraction.
It might be a bit of contraction,
But you know,
From experience that this is good for you.
I know that it's good for me.
I mean,
I,
I,
When I have clients that are really struggling with this,
I asked them to tell me three things that they don't like about me.
The first time I did it,
I was shaking because can I really handle hearing what people don't like about me?
But I decided that instead of being a victim of what I thought people thought of me,
Then start,
You know,
Reality checking.
So I had so many good,
You know,
Things,
Projections from their side.
I'm aware of that.
But there's also truth to it.
When something hurts,
It's usually because there's truth,
Truth to it.
So I had so many people practice their level of honesty,
Their level of vulnerability based trust.
And I had this girl,
Christina,
She told me I was really pushing her and I only push when there's a good,
You know,
Relationship.
And I told her,
She was like,
Oh,
No,
I can't do it.
I like you so much.
I can't do it.
But okay,
Now just for the exercise,
I will share with you that I don't like the way you breathe.
And I was like,
What?
You don't like,
You need to say more.
You don't like how I breathe?
No,
It's like you,
It's not the way you breathe.
It's like you say,
Mmm,
All the time.
And that's just so annoying.
And I was like,
Oh man,
I know that I say,
And it was just so liberating.
So going back five or 10 years,
I would never do that because I didn't want to.
I mean,
I mean,
I was so afraid what people would think of me that why ask them to tell me what they didn't think of me or what they thought of me.
So breaking with that vicious cycle below the line,
Being victimized by my own thoughts,
Being a villain to myself,
Being a pleaser was challenged by going above the line,
Being creative,
Taking my own responsibility for what was going on inside of me,
Challenging myself and coaching myself and asking,
You know,
I've had therapists throughout my whole 17 years here and I still need it.
So doing that meant two things for me.
One thing was that,
Um,
I,
She really understood that by being honest to me,
I mean,
It was hard for her,
But it was so liberating for her also because she was all the time limiting herself from what she thought of other people because she was afraid what they would think about her.
So for me,
It also proved my point that the vulnerability based trust is about us being really honest about what we think and feel.
There's always a risk.
But when we tell people,
You know,
I have this five step feedback model,
Which is this one up here.
When I,
When I say,
Listen,
I have something on my heart that I want to share with you.
Is that okay?
And they will say,
Yes,
I've never experienced a no.
And I say,
Well,
This is what I see and I hear.
This is what it does to emotionally.
And this is what I would really like moving on forward.
Would that be okay?
I've never experienced anybody contracting going below the line because I'm talking from what I see,
What I feel,
What I would love and if that will be okay.
But we need to practice stuff like this.
Right?
So Claudia,
When you ask me,
How come I speak,
You know,
English that fluently,
It's because I've repeated stuff like I've repeated all these things so many times.
And so can you.
And you have,
Because we've all learned things from repeating stuff.
Right?
So listen,
We're about to finish off.
I just wanted to share one thing with you in regards to my own challenge yesterday in regards to my brother.
And then I just want to repeat that the exercise for today.
If you haven't been with me the other or with us,
Because we are this circle.
If you haven't been with us the other couple of days,
These at least the two of the days are,
You know,
Published on Inside Timer.
And so the exercise for today is to take that piece of paper and only write what you think of you.
And please feel free to make a line,
You know,
Down across the paper where you write both what you would say is something that you love about yourself.
And also something that you do not love about yourself.
So what I'm getting here is that let's start being vulnerable with ourselves first and then let's move it out afterwards.
So let's start the vulnerability based trust with ourselves first.
So if I can be honest with myself,
It's going to be difficult out there.
Right?
I'll continue the acting.
I'll continue all that vicious cycle below the line.
So let's start with the vulnerability based trust with ourselves,
Writing down honestly what I think about myself.
It can be what we will consider as something negative,
But also positive.
I'm trying not to,
You know,
Put negative and positive things,
But just whatever is there.
And then we will work with that tomorrow.
You can just,
Kate's asking how you can contact me for a session.
You can just contact me via Insight Timer.
I have clients in Washington,
I have in Canada and different countries,
Mainly here in Denmark.
But you can contact me via Insight Timer.
I'm trying not to be,
I'm actually quite good at not being on Facebook.
I used to be quite addicted to the screen.
I'm not so much anymore.
I'm actually come to a crossroad right now where I'm asking myself,
Do I want to meditate or do I want to be on the screen?
And it's becoming easier and easier.
I have a,
You know,
I'm very strategic.
I have a chair,
A meditation chair,
Like four places in the house.
So wherever I go,
There's a chair I can sit down on.
And I have this mala.
I always have a mala,
These beads with me.
So I can just take one bead as one breath.
And then I'll do 108.
Sometimes I'll do five.
So,
Where was I coming from?
I forgot.
So,
Doesn't matter.
It's about being honest,
Right?
So,
Do work on that sheet.
Do meditate it throughout the day.
And if you do have any questions,
Do let me know on Insight Timer.
I might not be able to respond the same day,
But I will respond within,
Let's say,
Two or three days.
And there's been,
I mean,
Yesterday,
I actually think that her name was Kate also.
And she wrote about,
You know,
She wasn't really reaching out for help.
She was just sharing.
She was just being actually vulnerable about her situation,
About losses and about being in a very tough marriage.
And,
You know,
I just felt so,
I was about to sit down and meditate and looked at this.
And then I meditated.
She doesn't know this because I haven't written back.
I meditated with her in front of me.
And that's also what we did the last couple of days.
I think that we're going to finish with that meditation.
So,
I just meditated with her in front of me.
I was just,
You know,
Receiving her wisdom,
But also trying to pass on whatever I could pass on from my side of wisdom,
Of love.
All right.
Let's finish off.
Yeah,
Exactly,
Exactly.
Sorry.
That was good that you helped me with that.
So yesterday I challenged myself on also being,
You know,
Reaching out to my brother.
As I mentioned yesterday,
I love my brother.
I would die from a brother,
But we still have stuff to work on.
So I wanted to reach out to him.
And honestly,
I kept on postponing it.
I could just tell you a story right now,
But I'm here to be honest,
Right?
I'm here to continue my path.
My mind was saying,
There's not that really much right now that you can be vulnerable about,
You know?
And I was coming up with these things.
Who else could I be vulnerable to?
But I know myself and I'm just being honest with you now that I'm afraid.
So that's the honest truth.
I'm afraid.
And when being afraid,
It's about me maybe have taken too big a mouthful of that elephant.
The elephant who needs to be eaten in small bites.
So what I decided,
Because I was,
Oh no,
These guys from inside time,
I really want to live up to what I said.
And again,
Just being honest to you,
I didn't,
You know,
I thought to myself,
Listen,
Just sleep on it.
And tomorrow,
Just take it from there.
And I can feel just sharing this with you feels just so,
Such a relief,
Because what we tend to do is to make stories up.
Because what will you think of me?
Right?
So what I decided this morning was to sit down and write a letter to him by hand.
And what I felt was the right way to do was to do it in Spanish.
I'm from Chile originally.
I do speak Spanish,
Not fluently,
But almost.
But I don't know why.
I think that is because our,
The stuff that we need to deal with is from those years,
Is from early stuff.
So,
And I feel that this feels easier.
It's an easy approach to write this letter to him.
Because I know how he is.
And I also know that he might react in a different way than having a letter that he can reflect on.
And that he can,
You know,
Maybe just digest a bit.
And then I think that the step will be to go out and,
You know,
Go for a walk.
And that's actually a really good thing if you have stuff like this that you want to do,
Too.
If you get inspired by wanting to reach out to people in family or friends,
That you have stuff that you need to work out with them.
That when you do have that talk,
Go out walking.
Because when we sit in front of each other,
Eye to eye,
You know,
We can have this impulse,
Animal impulse of us wanting to fight or flee or freeze.
So walking keeps our nervous system going.
We can,
You know,
Have that energy flow.
Thanks for reminding me about that,
Kate.
And thank you,
Yes,
I am practicing every day with that honesty and that vulnerability and that authenticity.
Because it is liberating.
Truly liberating.
So listen,
Let's finish off with a meditation.
Let's just.
.
.
I'll do this last one with eyes closed also.
Let's do what we did the other two days,
Because I mean,
I've actually used.
.
.
I've used you guys in meditation throughout the day,
The last couple of days.
Because what we've done the other days is that we've created this visualization of us all being together in one really big room.
I think that today we'll move outdoors.
So today we're going to be visualizing everybody here.
How many are we?
144 souls,
Human beings,
Seekers.
So just right now imagining that we are out on a really big field.
It's summer.
We are wearing shorts or dresses.
We are just,
You know,
We've just had a long,
Good session with a lot of reflections and a lot of maybe tears or laughter.
We're looking around on each other like this really massive group of people just wanting to share and be together.
Just being there,
Just noticing your breathing,
Calming down.
And the group will start,
You know,
Quieting down,
Becoming silent.
Just noticing our breathing,
Relaxing our eyes,
Our facial muscles.
Taking in a couple of deep breaths.
And there's just silence.
There's the sound of the birds and the wind and the heat of the sun.
You might not have any shoes on,
So you're feeling the grass.
So really feeling Mother Nature and the nature of all the fellow seekers,
Fellow souls right here,
Right now.
Just looking at all these different faces and smiles and shapes and just feeling as one.
And now what I'm asking you to do is to,
In this now also,
If it is OK for you physically to move your hands down and take the hand of the person to your right and take the hand of the person to your left.
Just notice what that does to you to hold somebody who you don't really know,
Hold their hand.
But still feeling that you know that person because they are like you.
Just taking a couple of deep breaths and just look around at all these people.
Then you can hear somebody start laughing and you start laughing too.
Just feeling,
You know,
A connection and feeling that joy inside of you.
And you can feel that when you laugh,
Your hands shake too and everybody's just shaking.
And then again everybody starts quieting down and just feeling that heat from another person's hands.
And then slowly just squeezing those hands to signal that we are about to finish off and just move your hands up again.
And really just be grateful for what you are doing for you,
What you are contributing to this group,
This circle,
Being a part of it.
And also really understanding that what you do now is something that will be given on,
Passed on to the coming generations.
You might not have kids yourself,
You might have some at a later point,
You might not,
But you will always be in contact with people,
With children in some way.
And what you practice now cannot not be given on because it will be a part of you,
It will be a part of how you are as a human being.
And that in so many ways inspires others without us really knowing how.
So we might not even be doing it consciously.
But looking around on all these beautiful human beings,
Just all of us practicing,
Everyday practicing,
To be able to pass on so that when we are no longer,
They will be.
So that when we are no longer,
They will be.
So let's take a deep breath and get ready to finalize,
Finish off for today.
Maybe stretching.
And as you can see from behind me,
The sun is up and I have the sea two minutes this way.
And I'm winter bathing,
So I am going to be willing to accept a lot of cold in like 10 minutes.
I'm going with my wife.
Thank you so much for,
I mean,
Really thank you because this does so much for me.
And I hope that it can do so much for you.
So really thank you.
I can feel something,
You know,
Being challenged inside myself.
I can feel,
I can feel the development inside of myself.
So really from the deepest of the deep in my heart and my soul,
Thank you so much for being here,
For practicing.
And I really do mean it when I say reach out if you have some questions or if you want to share.
I'm new to these circles on Inside Timer,
But I did create a circle called Kala's circle.
I don't know how it works really,
But we'll figure it out.
So if you do want to connect,
You know,
Just use that circle in there.
You know,
Just go ahead and become a part of that circle.
We'll figure it out how to do these live joint meditations.
I need to figure that out.
But if you do have questions or anything like that,
Just reach out by messages on Inside Timer.
So thank you so much for being here.
Thank you so much for doing this for yourself,
But also for the people,
The kids,
Whomever might be around you.
And let's just keep on practicing.
There's only one way.
Keep on practicing.
So thank you so much,
Everybody.
And we have tomorrow.
And I do think that I'm going to do it like this,
Where I have,
You know,
The five days and then spontaneously in the weekends,
I might do meditations.
And then I'm going to take a week with,
You know,
Just reflecting.
And then I'll do,
What do you call that?
Is it biweekly?
So every second week I'll do these five day sessions.
So it's like going in deep and then,
You know,
Having time to reflect.
And for that to,
You know,
Simmer down and for us to understand what's going on and find out what we can work with.
And then in two weeks time,
Then I'm going to have another five days.
These five days were actually initially prompted by one of you guys out there.
Don't even remember who it was that wrote me.
That will be such a wonderful thing to have more focus on what other people think of me.
And that was actually what sparked me to do these five days.
So do reach out if you have stuff that you want to,
You know,
Would love for us to work on.
Yeah.
Thanks a lot,
Everybody.
And see you guys tomorrow for the final day.
And I'll probably see you in some of the other meditations with a lot of the other beautiful teachers out there.
And especially fond of,
I don't know if you know Ruben.
R-E-U-B-E-N.
I really like his approach to many of these things and he works with kids also.
He has a circle that I just joined yesterday.
So check him out.
Also,
Lots of beautiful teachers out there.
Ah,
Awesome.
So Ruben,
If you listen,
If you're listening to this,
I don't know if you know if you're here right now.
Thanks a lot for being you.
Thanks a lot for sharing.
I'm really inspired by you also.
You might be listening to this at a later point.
So,
So thanks a lot,
Man.
And thanks a lot to everybody.
Yeah,
I love that.
That last name.
So listen,
Thank you.
I'm trying to leave,
But it's difficult because I love this.
So I'm going to go now to my family.
We're going to get into cold water.
It's about one degree Celsius right now.
So I can't share pictures in here.
That would be lovely.
But I do have actually an Instagram.
I'm not that active on social media anymore.
But if you just write my name on Instagram,
I think that it's actually a public.
What do you call that?
Public profile.
So I tend to share,
You know,
Many pictures of whatever crazy stuff I'm doing.
Thank you so much and see you guys tomorrow.
And I will be posting this just in within 10 minutes on Inside Timer.
Thanks a lot,
Guys.
Ciao.
Have a great day,
Everybody.
Bye bye.
And thank you guys,
Too.
Sigh.
So day four,
Right?
And it's just such a crazy feeling inside my body.
It's,
You know,
This is really healing for me.
The being able to share,
The being able to really experience myself being as honest.
And I'm not.
.
.
I do feel some contraction before I share honestly.
But it's like I've done this so many times that I can feel and I know that there's a liberation,
You know,
For coming.
There's a relief after the contraction.
And it's just such an important thing to be aware of.
Also just to be where I am and not be pretending to be anything,
Not just being 100% honest.
I mean,
That's just the way to go.
And I could challenge myself,
You know,
On the amount of words that I use and I'm just going to be true to it.
I'm just going to,
You know.
.
.
I'm not doing this to live up to other people's expectations.
I'm doing this to share as much good that I can.
And at this point,
Obviously I'm not obviously.
.
.
Well,
What is,
Is that I'm just using a lot of words and that is what is.
So I'll stick to that.
So everybody,
Thanks a lot.
I hope that this reaches you in a good place in your life.
And if it's not a good place,
Then I hope that you will reach out to,
Not necessarily me.
You're welcome to reach out to me.
But reach out to friends or family or talk to,
And that definitely I want to do that tomorrow,
The resource person.
Because that's meant so much to me to work with resource persons,
The inner persons that we can actually talk to,
Be in relationship to.
But more importantly,
Actually reaching out.
So thank you so much everybody.
And see you guys for the last day tomorrow.
Thanks a lot.
Bye bye.
