How Understanding Conflict Can Help Us Find Peace

Understanding the foundations of conflict is important because when we understand the dynamics of conflict and why it’s actually possible in the first place, then we can use this to understand ourselves and others more deeply… and understand it what brings us together.

The previous video mentioned
Understanding And Love Are Intimately Connected. Here Is Why. : https://insighttimer.com/benfizell/guided-meditations/why-understanding-and-love-are-intimately-connected

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Peacekeeper Project.

My name is Ben.

Now we all want to find peace.

Peace in our life,

Peace in our family,

Community,

Peace in the world.

But it's challenging because our outward actions are a result of our inner state of mind.

So it does come back to us.

The peace we find inside.

So ultimately it's about reconnecting to the peace in our heart.

So how do we get there?

Well,

There's many approaches and most likely your path is going to take more than one.

Now meditation for example,

That's one powerful practice.

Working on our emotions,

Understanding our fears,

Releasing past traumas,

Developing emotional intelligence.

That's another important one.

But what I want to talk about today is a path to peace by understanding conflict.

Because when we understand conflict and why it's even possible in the first place,

Then it helps us to understand ourselves and others more deeply.

And it's this understanding,

This powerful force that brings us together.

In a previous video I talked about the intimate connection between understanding and love.

And if you haven't seen it,

Then I'll leave links in the description below.

Now before I go on,

I just want to say thank you for being here and taking the time to understand yourself more deeply.

This is valuable and vital for all of us.

It helps you,

It helps everyone.

Alright,

So let's take a journey into the foundations of conflict.

With every conflict we get into,

There's going to be different stories,

Traumas and reasons why.

And it can all get very complicated.

But underlying it all is one simple principle.

And today that's what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about conflict at a very fundamental level in a way that's easy to understand and feel.

In a way that's practical and tangible.

And by that I mean connecting a mental understanding to how it feels inside us.

And this is important because a mental understanding of conflict without connecting it to how it feels inside us is too abstract from our experience to make it significant.

We need an embodied understanding to make it meaningful.

So as we go through this together,

Try to understand the concepts in your mind but also in your body.

Feel it.

Bring this knowledge to life inside you.

Now to start this exploration of peace through conflict,

We need to start by understanding connection.

Connection and disconnection.

Or unity and separation.

So think of a time when you really felt connected to someone.

Maybe it's your husband,

Your wife,

Spouse,

Significant other.

Maybe it's your children,

Parents or a really close friend.

So think about a time when you really felt connected to them.

Like feel it.

Feel it in your body.

Embody it.

How does it feel?

What are some of the qualities of that connection?

There's a closeness,

A warmth,

Care,

Openness,

Peace,

Unity,

Heartness and love.

The feeling of connection is powerful because when we feel that sense of connection to someone,

We would never do them harm because we feel a certain closeness,

A unity with them.

There's a sense of us and we feel that in our heart.

Now let's contrast that with the opposite experience.

Now at some point you've had an experience of conflict and most likely at some point it was with that same person you were just thinking about.

Now maybe it was a heated argument,

Maybe it was something else.

No judgment.

Just feel it.

Recall the experience.

Notice how it felt.

Feel it in your body,

Your energy and just notice how it felt different to when you feel connected to someone.

That sense of closeness is gone.

There's more distance.

It's like something in your energy closes.

There might be a sense of grasping or contraction.

Now this doesn't mean that you don't still care for or love this person.

In that moment of conflict,

You might say or do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do.

Things,

Words,

Actions that you might regret later when you're in a different state of mind.

Now there's something really fundamental to see here because this conflict is possible because in that moment you did not feel connected to them.

Now we're always connected to each other whether we're aware of it or not.

We all exist in this environment of humanity together but in a moment of conflict with someone,

We don't feel that connection.

We feel disconnected.

Now just because you have maybe a blood connection with someone as you might have with family or maybe it's a really close connection you have established with a friend or maybe it's your teammates in sport.

That kind of connection is important but it's not the same as feeling connected.

Now this is a really important distinction to make because it's the feeling of connection in any moment that makes the difference.

We get into conflict with others because we feel separate from them.

Now there's one more piece I want to add to this understanding of separation and that is that this feeling of separation inside us,

It can feel like you versus me and it's this feeling of you versus me that is the foundation for conflict.

When we're in a state of you versus me,

The natural result is conflict.

The sense of disconnection,

The sense of separation,

It highlights a sense of a you and a me in a way that we lose that closeness,

The warmth,

The openness,

The connection.

Now can you feel that?

Does it make sense,

That feeling of a you versus me?

Does it make sense in your experience?

Does it put words to something that you've experienced but didn't fully comprehend?

Now by contrast,

The feeling of connection,

That's the sense or a feeling of us.

Now you might say this is a too simplified way of looking at conflict.

Now of course,

Conflict will manifest in many ways and it can be very complicated.

There's a gradient from subtle words to abusive words,

From frustrated gestures to violent attacks.

It can be between individuals,

Between groups.

It can create war.

But whatever the manifestation of conflict,

The basic underlying principle is the same.

There is a feeling of being separate from the other.

There is a feeling of you versus me.

Remember,

We don't do harm to others when we feel connected to them.

But when we feel a sense of unity,

A sense of us,

It's a completely different state of mind and we act differently.

We act from a space of unity where there is naturally more compassion,

More patience and a greater willingness to understand.

And that is something that our heart knows very well.

It's natural.

Now when we're in a state of conflict,

It's easy for our mind to justify anything that we do or say.

But that is coming from a state of separation,

A you versus me state of consciousness.

And from there,

That guides everything we do.

That is the filter through which we act.

So what is it that creates a feeling of separateness and you versus me?

Well,

It's our emotions and our reactions.

Now to be clear,

I'm not suggesting that our emotions and reactions are good,

Bad,

Right or wrong.

So we don't need to judge in that way.

It's really not helpful.

But if we do want to follow the deepest desire of our heart for peace,

Unity and connection,

Then it's very helpful to understand the dynamics of our emotions.

Understand why they make us feel a certain way and why they can make us feel separate sometimes.

Because on this spectrum of emotions,

They're going to make us feel at a basic level one of two ways.

They're going to make us feel either connected and unified or disconnected and separate.

So that's a basic fundamental understanding and it's something that we can feel.

Now of course there's going to be different reasons why we feel more emotion on one day or more reactions to certain things at certain times.

But that's a big topic for another time.

It's an important topic but the intention for this video is to understand conflict at a very fundamental level.

At this level where we can feel it.

We can feel it in our energy and use it.

So how can you use this?

So how do you use this to develop a deeper understanding of yourself and create and forge this path to greater peace inside yourself?

Well,

Start by applying it to life.

Noticing that sense of connection and disconnection is fundamental level of how we feel in any situation on the spectrum of your emotions.

Notice which emotions make you feel more connected or unified with people.

Notice when it makes you feel more separate.

For example,

Maybe you're talking with someone,

You're having a conversation,

Going well,

Just feeling connected and then they say something and it stirs up some emotion in you and all of a sudden you don't feel so close to them.

You feel a little more separate.

There's more distance between you.

Again,

No need to judge it.

Just notice it.

Notice that feeling of what happens inside you.

So again,

This is about developing a sense of your own energy and your emotions.

And this is starting to build a foundation for building more emotional intelligence because it's a felt sense.

You feel it inside you.

So just notice the difference when you shift from feeling connected to feeling disconnected and notice that feeling of you versus me when that comes up.

Notice the things that stir that up,

But acknowledge and really recognize that feeling,

The feeling of you versus me as opposed to the times when you feel that sense of us.

And notice that when you're in a sense of us,

That unified feeling,

When you feel that in the moment,

You would never do harm to another person.

So when you feel it in that moment,

Just feel it,

Notice it.

And the flip side,

Notice that to really get into a conflict with someone,

You have to create space or a sense of disconnection,

A distance between you,

A separation.

So just notice it.

Play with it.

Have fun.

Be curious.

Curiosity is always an important standpoint to engage practices so we don't get too engaged in our mind.

Allow curiosity to take you deeper.

Alright,

So I'm going to leave it here for now.

I really appreciate that you've given your time to stay with me all this time to really understand something more about yourself and to understand the foundation for conflict,

Which is really to understand something deeper inside yourself,

Your own energy and your emotions.

Alright,

Now until the next time,

Keep practicing,

Quiet your mind and live from your heart.