Transforming Your Relationship With Failure

Join me for this extended guided practice on Transforming Your Relationship With Failure.

This guided mindfulness practice contains three key parts: An exploration of failure, a guided mindfulness meditation, and a journaling and integration component to end the practice.

During this practice you'll be invited to explore what you believe failure means about you and to you, and you'll begin to create some mental and emotional space to reframe your relationship to failure.

Failure is an inevitable part of being a human being. However many of us never develop a healthy and comfortable relationship to it. This practice is for anyone who feels stuck or scared of doing hard things and would like to move through failure or their fear or failure to become more confident and comfortable with it.

For this practice you'll need a quiet space where you can sit or lie down, and some writing materials nearby for journaling.

Transcript

Hello and thank you so much for joining me today for this guided mindfulness practice on failure.

So my name is Alexis and I'm really grateful to have you here with me today.

And our exploration today will be held in three parts.

I'll talk a little bit about failure and how our relationship to failure can change through our spiritual journey.

I'll then guide you through a meditation practice on this and we'll finish with some guided journaling and another short reflection practice to help you understand your own relationship to failure.

So to begin,

I'd like you just to take a moment to get comfortable here with me now to ground yourself with me.

Take a few big deep breaths together,

Breathing deeply in through your nose.

And as you do so,

Really feel that expansion through your belly,

Through your ribs,

Through your chest as you do this.

And as you gently breathe out,

Just notice how your shoulders,

Your jaw,

And your neck relaxes as you do this.

Take a few more big deep breaths here and as you do,

Just bring your awareness to where you're anchoring on the floor.

Notice the sensations of where your skin is perhaps meeting the carpet.

Maybe you're touching the fabric of a couch or maybe it's a yoga mat.

Just gently start to acknowledge and witness the sensations against your skin where you're meeting the floor.

Now for this first part of our practice together,

I'm going to take a moment to speak about failure and how through our own spiritual path,

Our relationship to failure can change and transform.

Feel welcome now to just close your eyes and listen to my voice if you like.

If you feel more comfortable,

Simply downcast your gaze,

However feels most comfortable for you.

Failure is one of the most uncomfortable experiences that we can have as a human being.

Failure most simply is what we feel when we don't meet an expectation.

Now that expectation might be in the form of a goal or it might be a standard that we set for ourselves.

We might also experience failure when a relationship ends or perhaps when we lose a job.

We might also experience failure when someone or something that we feel responsible for doesn't go to plan.

Such as the children we raise or the people we care for not meeting expectations that perhaps we held for them.

Now failure is both a necessary and inevitable part of what it means to be human.

And yet the plethora of emotions that it causes,

Things like sadness,

Pain,

Grief,

Shame and anger often can feel almost too uncomfortable to bear.

However our discomfort from failure often stems from something much deeper than the failure itself.

The pain that we predict we'll experience through failure is often more rooted in fear than anything else.

And this fear is often rooted in our attachments.

Failure is painful because we are attached to the stories that we tell ourselves about what failure means about us.

Now I just want to let that sentiment settle with you for a moment.

Failure is painful because we are attached to the stories that we tell ourselves.

That we tell ourselves about what failure means about us.

If our self-worth and identity are attached to things like achievements and goals then we can let ourselves believe the story that when we fail we aren't worthy,

We aren't competent or we don't hold value.

If our self-view is contingent on the perspectives or the judgments of others then we can let ourselves believe the story that when we fail we will be rejected or that we're unlovable.

And this can really magnify our feelings of embarrassment and shame.

Now if our emotional resilience is reliant on things going well or things feeling easy then we can let ourselves believe the story that when we fail and when we experience difficult emotions that life is bad or things aren't going to plan and our emotional experience perhaps should be avoided altogether.

So we might do things like procrastinate or we might avoid taking risks at all.

If our sense of control and our agency comes from things that are external to us then we can let ourselves believe the story that when we fail it's because we aren't in control of our future,

It's because that we're a victim in this life and that this life might be happening to us rather than for us and perhaps our effort is unnoticed and unrewarded.

Now it can sometimes feel that the fear of failure feels often insurmountable only to find that when we develop the capacity to experience the fear and explore where it's coming from and then continue to do the thing anyway,

What we anticipated was actually far less painful in actuality.

Our mind and the stories that it tells us are often much scarier than our reality.

And so now we're going to build a practice together so that you can move through your perceptions and limiting beliefs around failure to transform them into something that feels more comfortable through self-discovery.

I'm now going to guide you through a mindfulness practice that will include a body scan.

So just take a moment now if you would feel more comfortable for this practice feel welcome to lie down and if you haven't already I invite you now to just gently close your eyes.

Just take a moment here to really get comfortable.

Now we'll begin with some deep grounding breaths again.

So take a big deep breath in through your nose.

Hold that for a moment and just slowly,

Slowly,

Slowly exhale.

As you exhale notice any tension just leaving the body.

Gently turn your attention now to the breath and just simply notice the sensation of breathing in deeply and exhaling nice and slowly.

Notice how with each breath you feel more present,

More grounded here and now.

Now I'd like you to just gently bring your minds to a recent experience where you felt like you failed or you maybe fell short of your own expectations in some way.

Don't judge or analyze the experience in any way.

Just let it come to mind as though you're observing it from a distance.

Just see it now,

Recall it now in your mind's eye.

Notice how your body starts to respond when it's recalling this event.

Starting from your toes and moving up the body just notice any areas of tension,

Areas of heaviness,

Maybe discomfort.

As you recall this failure,

Where do you experience the sensations of the failure most strongly in the body?

Do you notice any maybe tightness in your chest?

Do you feel a sinking in your stomach?

Maybe it's tension in your shoulders and your lower back.

Just simply notice the sensations,

Breathing gently into each area without trying to change anything.

Just breathing and being with the sensation in the body.

Now as you observe this physical sensation in the body,

I want you to ask yourself what emotions are present here?

Can you name the emotion behind the sensation that you're experiencing?

Perhaps there's a sadness there,

Maybe it's a frustration or disappointment.

Just gently acknowledge these emotions with a quality of kindness and gently hold them in your awareness.

We needn't avoid them or try to do anything with them.

Just notice the emotion and see if you can detect what that emotion is.

Notice if your mind starts to create judgments or labels around good or bad emotions,

Negative,

Uncomfortable emotions.

Just gently let it do so and let these judgments just float away.

Don't hold on to them.

Just notice them and let them float away.

Now I want you to take this just a layer deeper here.

And ask yourself if there's a deeper fear connected to any of these sensations or emotions.

What might you be afraid of?

What might this failure mean about you?

What are these sensations and emotions telling you?

Is there a fear underneath there about not being good enough?

Is there a fear of the judgment of others?

Maybe it's a fear that you won't meet your own expectations.

Just allow this question to sit in your mind and let any insights naturally arise.

Don't try and force an answer.

Simply let the question just sit and be with you and notice anything that comes up.

Now as you breathe just imagine that each inhale you make brings in a sense of calm and warmth to the places in your body,

In your mind,

In your heart where you're feeling this fear.

Notice the quality of warmth calming you with each inhale and just gently settling in the parts of you where you're experiencing this fear.

With each exhale gently allow some of the tension and the heaviness and the discomfort and the self-judgment,

Just let it go.

Let it float back out of your body with each exhale.

Breathe in a sense of warmth,

Of love,

Compassion and exhale the heaviness,

The tension.

Know that it is completely natural to feel fear.

You're not alone in experiencing these heavy emotions.

Know that this is part of your beautiful and messy human experience.

Now as we prepare to end this first practice together,

Just gently place a hand over your heart now.

Place the other hand just over your belly.

Feel the warmth that comes from your hands.

Just silently offer yourself a message of kindness.

I am human,

It's okay to feel this way.

I'm learning,

I'm growing through these experiences.

Take a few final deep breaths here now and just allow that sense of ease and comfort just to wash over you,

Wash through you.

And slowly return your awareness to the room now.

Wiggle your fingers and toes and when you're ready,

Just gently open your eyes and return to the present moment with me.

Now we're going to take a moment together to reflect further on our experience of failure with some journaling.

So I'll give you a moment now to get some writing material ready.

Find something to write on and return here with me.

If you haven't already,

If you're lying down,

Please return to a seated position.

I'll be offering you two writing prompts today.

And I would like for you to try and just write whatever comes to mind for two minutes after the prompt.

Now there's no right or wrong way to do this.

There's no expectation that you have some revelatory insight.

It's just an invitation and an opportunity for you to sit with the experience we've just had together and explore it a little more deeply,

A little more intentionally.

It's an opportunity for you just to download your experience here in the present moment.

So I'll begin with the first prompt and then after two minutes,

I'll ask the second.

So the first writing prompt for you to explore.

What does failure mean to me?

And how do I define failure in my life?

Now take some time to examine your personal definition here of failure and maybe how this affects your self perception.

As you do,

Just notice if there is any specific memories that come up,

Any phrases that come up repeatedly,

Any stories that come up.

And this can start to reveal some of those deeply held beliefs we have about failure and how these experiences shape our self worth and our view of the world.

So what does failure mean to me and how do I define this in my life?

You can begin writing now.

And your next writing prompt.

What do I believe about myself when I fail?

And where do these beliefs come from?

Are they truly accurate?

Now I want you to try and dig a little deeper here into some of the specific beliefs you hold about yourself in the context of failure.

Take some time to consider where some of these beliefs may have originated from.

Maybe they're past experiences from your childhood.

Maybe they're cultural or religious expectations.

Or maybe they're really rooted in the opinions and expectations of others.

How might these be influencing your actions,

Your self esteem,

Your self worth?

And just take a little bit of time to challenge the accuracy of some of these held beliefs.

So the prompt again.

What do I believe about myself when I fail?

Where do these beliefs come from and are they truly accurate?

You can begin writing now.

Thank you for courageously reflecting and digging deeper into your own experience of failure with me.

Were you surprised by any of the insights that emerged?

Did you find that exploring the stories you hold about failure and what they mean about you,

That maybe there's some space in your experience to reframe this?

Now to close our practice together today,

I'm going to guide you through a short Buddhist practice that will help you with the experience of fear.

Whether it's an anticipation of failure or when you feel like you have failed.

And one of the foundational teachings we learn in Buddhism is that our pain is inevitable,

But our suffering is optional.

Now to me,

This means that in my relationship with failure,

I will have these experiences through life again and again.

And this is part of what it means to be a human being.

However,

I have a choice about how I experience this pain.

And if I choose to avoid the pain or criticize myself or judge myself harshly through my experience of that fear and that pain,

Then I unknowingly become the root of my own suffering.

The obstacle is the way.

And so we mustn't try to avoid it,

But instead transform our own experience with it.

Now I invite you to gently close your eyes again here.

Perhaps if you feel more comfortable,

Feel welcome to lie back down,

Whatever feels most comfortable for you here.

And I just want you to again return your attention to the breath.

Notice again the rise and the fall of your chest and your belly with each inhale.

And gently notice the tension leaving you with each exhale.

Just let each breath help you settle back into this moment again and just once again arrive fully in the body with me.

Now gently bring your mind to what emerged for you in your reflection about what failure means about you.

Just hold this story with a quality of lightness.

Just notice the story without judgment,

Without creating any more meaning,

Without any resistance to the story.

And just ask yourself again here,

What do I believe about myself when I fail?

What do I believe about myself when I fail?

Notice the thoughts and the beliefs that come up about yourself in relation to this.

Just observe them,

Let them be there without attaching to them.

Perhaps even notice how they can gently float through and out of your awareness again,

Just like a cloud in the sky.

Notice them floating away.

Notice the impermanent nature of this experience.

Notice how they can come and go.

And when we choose we can simply allow this and observe this without becoming part of it,

Without feeling stuck in it.

Just notice this impermanence.

Notice how this feeling,

Like all experiences in this life,

Will pass.

Notice this impermanence in your experience.

Failure is not a fixed state.

Just notice that.

Notice that it's simply a moment in time,

A moment in the journey.

And with each breath,

Each exhale,

Just allow yourself to release that attachment.

Release the stories.

Release the identity that's tied to that experience.

If that helps you,

You can silently repeat the mantra,

This too shall pass.

And let those words continue to soften any tension,

Any self-judgement,

Any criticism.

Just notice on the exhale the releasement of the attachment there.

Now,

Can you notice any stories or limiting beliefs that arose about you,

About failure?

Were there beliefs like,

I'm not good enough,

Or I should have tried harder,

I should have done better?

Are any of these types of thoughts and beliefs coming up for you?

Acknowledge these as not truths.

Recognise them for what they are.

Maybe they're part of the past.

Maybe they're part of someone else's expectations.

Or maybe they're simply self-imposed standards.

Just gently remind yourself here that these stories,

These beliefs,

Are also impermanent.

Notice that these are just stories and they're impermanent.

Notice how we can release these stories and let them float away like clouds.

As we did the emotions,

As we did the observations.

Label these as stories,

As that is all they are.

Label them as stories and simply let them float away.

These beliefs do not define your worth.

Let them float away.

Now gently place a hand again over your heart and a hand on your belly.

Take a few deep grounding breaths here and really notice the warmth of your hands.

Notice that settling into you.

Often when we feel the heavy and overwhelming emotions that can come up with failure,

We can choose to deny them,

Ignore them,

Avoid them and not want to be with our experience.

But instead now,

I simply ask that you allow whatever is currently in your experience to just be.

Just simply allow it to exist.

Try not to wish it away,

Wish it were different or try and change it.

Just allow it to be there.

Know that when you feel these heavy emotions,

You can offer yourself love.

You can offer yourself acceptance and kindness and the things that you need to move through this challenging experience.

In the very same way you would a friend or a loved one.

Take time now to acknowledge these emotions and feel that warmth and as you do,

Remind yourself that you are loved.

You are cared for.

You are worthy.

And you are always,

Always on the right path.

Allow these words to really be felt.

Let them settle over you.

Let them comfort you like a warm blanket that might be laid over you on a warm winter's night.

Soak them in,

Be with them.

Let this feeling of your own self-love,

Your own self-compassion remind you that failure doesn't define you.

Just allow yourself now to be held here in a moment in this warm cocoon.

Now as we gently emerge together from this practice,

I want you to just extend a moment of gratitude to yourself.

For the courage,

For the bravery to show up today and dive into this exploration of failure with me.

Acknowledge any new insights that may have arisen for you and set the intention to continue feeling the discomfort and fear that comes from failure and even the anticipation of it.

Knowing that you can move through this with grace.

Know that failure does not define you.

But it is simply an invitation to expand and transform who you are through the experience of it.

Now gently just return your awareness back to your surroundings.

Back to the room you're sitting in,

You're relying in.

And as you feel ready,

Gently open your eyes.

Notice this sense of calm and the freedom and lightness that comes from detaching from the stories our mind creates.

Thank you for joining me in this practice.

I hope you have found this illuminating and know that you can return to this practice whenever you need.

With gratitude,

Alexis.