Ch 7: Give Yourself Permission To Take Back Your Life

This chapter is about quietly, courageously reclaiming your life. Together, we’ll explore how to navigate what’s truly within your control and how to loosen the grip of guilt, blame, and old narratives that no longer serve you. It’s not about getting everything right—it’s about getting clear on what feels right for you now. You don’t need to overhaul your life overnight. Just begin by gently taking responsibility for what’s yours— and letting the rest go.

Listen on, and we will navigate the seven seas to freedom together.

Ch 7: Give Yourself Permission to Take Back Your Life: 'Give Yourself Permission to Live Your Life', written and read by Priya Rana Kapoor (Balboa Press), ©2014/2025 Priya Rana Kapoor

Transcript

Chapter 7 Give Yourself Permission to Take Back Your Life Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her,

But once they are in hand,

He or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.

Voltaire Your Best PR The only way to take back your life is to take personal responsibility for it.

That means taking ownership of everything you do,

Think and feel.

When you were a child,

Your parents or guardians were responsible for your life and for all your needs.

As you grew up,

You gradually took over responsibility for more and more,

As you learnt how to go to bed by yourself,

How to brush your teeth,

How to do your homework,

And so on.

We've all been through much the same process.

In the context of growing up,

Most of us have learnt to take responsibility for our own daily needs,

But taking personal responsibility for our own choices,

Happiness,

And well-being can be more difficult.

At times,

For one reason or another,

The transfer of these responsibilities from parents to child doesn't happen the way it should.

Often after a trauma like divorce,

A death in the family,

Or illness,

A parent may be unwilling or unable to allow their child to make their own decisions.

This is commonly known as not being able to let go.

Equally,

The child may be afraid of moving away from the security of their parents.

As a coach,

One of the things I hear most often is that people feel that they simply cannot live the life they've always wanted because they have other responsibilities and duties,

Such as a spouse and children,

Elderly parents,

Or a demanding job.

Personally,

I was convinced that there were many things I would never be able to do because my mother wouldn't approve,

Or because they weren't appropriate for a girl of my socioeconomic background.

CIMA,

A story of learning how to take personal responsibility.

I worked with one client who was an extremely bright woman of 17,

Who seemed to be almost paralyzed by her mother's success.

CIMA's mother was a high-achieving businesswoman who had worked extremely hard all her life.

She had fled her homeland in Eastern Europe with virtually nothing,

And had been able to build a very comfortable life for her and her daughter in the UK.

However,

Her daughter had,

Inadvertently,

Picked up the message that there was no way she could measure up to her mother,

So there was no point in even trying.

CIMA claimed,

Quite calmly,

That she was perfectly happy doing nothing in particular,

And hoped to marry a man who would keep her in designer shoes.

As we worked together,

CIMA was able to figure out that this apparent apathy sprang from a fear of never being as good as her mother,

Whom she admired so much.

That understanding started to set her free,

And she became able to try challenges that she had never taken on before,

Challenges different to those her mother had confronted.

She also started measuring herself by her own success in attaining her goals and aspirations,

Rather than by someone else's measure.

We were able to reach the stage at which she recognized that she did aspire to more than marriage to a wealthy man.

As her sense of personal responsibility grew,

I could see a real shift in the way she presented herself.

Her clothing style changed.

She started to take greater care with her hair and makeup,

And she stood up straight as she walked.

One day,

She came in and said that she was talking to a friend about Ramadan.

Footnote 4,

Ramadan is the ninth month of the Muslim calendar,

Where fasting takes place during the daylight hours.

My family never's been very religious at all,

She said,

So we don't observe the fast.

But I'd really like to see if I could do it.

I don't want to change my lifestyle or anything,

But I'd like to understand my roots and take on the challenge of fasting.

This was the first time I had heard her saying anything so proactive,

And I realized that it would be a huge accomplishment for her.

That year,

She fasted for 30 days,

Which was difficult because nobody else in her immediate family was doing it,

Although her grandparents and some uncles and aunts supported her.

When the fasting period was over,

Seema experienced a wonderful feeling of achievement.

For the first time ever,

She knew what it was like to take responsibility for herself.

In response,

Her mother,

Whose personal drive and ambition had made her so successful,

Learned how to step back in order to trust her daughter to make her own decisions and take responsibility for them.

They became closer as a result.

And now that she knew that she was capable of real achievement,

Seema started to think about attending university,

Something she had never contemplated before.

Having given herself permission to take on that one challenge,

She had learned how to give herself permission to try more,

And that she didn't always have to compare herself to her mother or anyone else.

Control.

In the long run,

We shape our lives,

And we shape ourselves.

The process never ends until we die,

And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.

Eleanor Roosevelt.

The first step in taking back your life is to realize and understand exactly what you have control over and what you are responsible for.

Understanding what we can control and what we cannot is truly liberating.

For example,

None of us can change the family or circumstances into which we were born.

We can't change the past or undo decisions we've made prior to the present moment.

What we can do is control how we react to each situation and take positive steps to create a future that is incrementally closer to how we want to live.

Way too many people go through life agonizing over things they have no control over.

People think,

If only Dad hadn't drunk so much,

Or if only my colleagues were different,

If they only understood me better,

Or if only so-and-so would change,

I would be so much happier.

Even victims of assault and rape often say,

If only I hadn't decided to walk home on my own,

Or if I had just taken a taxi instead.

Whilst I understand why people feel this way,

It pains me to see them thinking along these lines.

These beliefs will only arrest their healing and keep their lives stagnant.

Understanding that there are things we simply cannot control,

Regardless of how hard we try,

Frees us to live in the present and plan for the future.

As much as we'd like to,

We cannot change past events.

We can support the people in our lives,

But we cannot change their fundamental way of being and thinking.

Sometimes,

Though,

We can influence certain situations by our own actions.

Whilst we cannot make someone like us or do business with us,

We can influence the situation by taking control of what we can,

Such as our behaviour or our actions.

The key to influencing a situation is to do as much groundwork as possible,

Then let go,

And allow the other party to come to the table when the time is right for them.

Once we recognise where we can influence a situation,

We free ourselves up to live immensely powerful lives.

How to identify what you can control.

Worry pretends to be necessary,

But serves no useful purpose.

Eckhart Tolle.

Figure 7.

1,

The Circles of Control,

Although seemingly simple,

Strikes a resounding chord with many people.

Listen on and we will delve deeper into The Circles of Control.

When I work with people as a coach,

We explore various scenarios in their lives,

Looking at them from all angles.

On some level,

They have always known that they have no control over many of the things they worry about,

And should let go of them to free up their energy for the things they do have control over,

Or can influence.

Recognising and accepting this is very important.

The Circles of Control,

Although seemingly simple,

Strikes a resounding chord with many people.

Footnote 5,

The Circles of Control,

This is a tool with various versions used both in psychology and coaching.

It comes under many different names,

Including Circles of Influence,

Spheres of Control,

And Sphere of Influence.

There are many things we cannot control,

For example,

The weather,

An overbearing boss's tirade,

Or a judgmental friend's criticism.

We can,

However,

Control how we react to them.

We have control over how we communicate with others.

In fact,

The way we do this is how we influence others.

For example,

You can encourage your employees to work the way you want them to by highlighting where they've done well in their job.

Provide them with positive feedback that encourages their continued success,

And you'll support them in doing tasks the way you want them to be done.

In addition,

Try disseminating negative feedback in a positive rather than accusatory manner.

Ultimately,

You need to give yourself permission to believe in yourself and take charge of your emotions and reactions to the things that happen to you,

Whilst also accepting that what happens in other people's lives is their business.

You can use the following exercise in your everyday life and in specific situations to figure out what you can control and what you cannot.

You can learn how to simply let go of what you have no control over,

And in so doing,

Cease the anxiety and worry associated with it.

Then you can give yourself permission to focus your energy and attention on what you do have control over.

Once you know what you have control over,

It'll be easier to wield influence in the relevant areas.

This is a quick way to free yourself from worry and to allow your brain more time to rest or think more constructively.

Exercise Apply the concept of the circles of control.

Often,

Seeing the concept on paper brings a person's anxieties and issues to the forefront of their consciousness,

Which can be tremendously liberating.

So to practice figuring out what you can control,

What you can influence,

And what you cannot control,

Pick an issue you want to work on,

Something that's troubling you and that you want to reach a conclusion about.

Take a look at figure 7.

1 and draw the three circles on a piece of paper.

Write your name in the bullseye,

Area A.

Then,

Outside the third circle,

Furthest from your name,

Area D,

Write down what you do not have control over.

Then write down what you do have control over in the second circle,

Area B.

Once you've identified those elements,

You can assess what you might have influence over and write those down in the third circle,

Area C.

I could implement the concept in the following way.

I live with a chronic illness,

And therefore,

I live with a lot of uncertainty.

I cannot change the fact that I have MS,

And there is no point in agonizing over whether things would be better if I had been diagnosed early,

Or fantasizing that if I had done things differently,

I might not have developed the illness at all.

I have no control over these issues.

I can control my attitude towards the condition.

I can engage with my health care providers in finding the treatment that works best for me.

I can live a healthy lifestyle and take care of my mind and body so that I'm in the best possible condition.

In so doing,

I'm in a better position to influence the course and progression of the disease.

Above all,

I can choose not to let a situation that is not of my own making take over my life and destroy my happiness.

I can take control of my mindset and my behavior.

We all have things in our lives that we need to deal with.

Understanding which areas we have control over and which we do not can really help us start to make changes towards obtaining the lives we want.

The blame game.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

Eleanor Roosevelt.

Part of learning how to take responsibility for ourselves is acquiring the ability to step away from blaming.

It's easy for anyone to fall into the trap of pointing a finger and saying,

But it's his fault.

I can't have the life I want because he won't let me.

Admittedly,

Some people have experienced truly horrendous trauma,

Where it would be acceptable to blame the perpetrator.

The media comments about how people's lives will never be the same again,

And they will always be damaged and broken as a result of a dreadful event.

The media are correct.

Victims' lives will never be the same again.

But many have not allowed their lives to be broken forever.

They have chosen,

With incredible willpower,

To have faith and trust in themselves.

To not remain cast as a victim,

But to understand that what happened,

Happened in the past,

And that the only option for self-preservation is to move forward.

Most of us have struggled with issues that are far less egregious,

But that still have a profound impact on our lives.

Whilst we cannot change the past or control everything in our lives,

We don't have to let those factors that are beyond our control take away our power.

I personally know how it can be easier to play the victim,

To rely on the blame game,

Than to take responsibility.

There were times when I hid behind the MS diagnosis more than was warranted at the time.

And I blame my family members for relying on me too much and putting too much pressure on me.

On the flip side,

Some people feel silly for being upset or for struggling with issues that look far less serious than some of the dreadful events others have suffered.

When a client tries to dismiss something that has happened to them or their feelings around it by saying,

Well,

Other people have been through much worse,

I stop them for a moment and say,

But wait,

It's all relative.

You're allowed to acknowledge how you feel.

You're allowed to say it hurt or that you were scared.

What counts now is how you move on from here.

We need to look at what is really going on.

Sure,

Some people have been very badly treated by others.

And this treatment may well have been very damaging.

Nobody is suggesting that everything needs to be forgiven and forgotten.

But what we can do is learn to accept responsibility for the ways in which we continue to react to events after they occurred.

No matter how big or small the infraction or issue seems,

We can refuse to be victimized twice.

We can seize control of our own lives and emerge stronger from the experience.

Recognizing this does not mean that you should feel bad about the challenges that sometimes drag you down.

You can start to deal with them by giving yourself permission to recognize that they might be holding you back,

But can be overcome or moved past.

You can work through those feelings towards a solution once you've identified the obstacles.

You can start by giving yourself permission to grow strong and happy despite whatever has been holding you back.

You don't have to dismiss or ignore feelings of hurt,

Pain or anger because you think they're not important enough.

You can accept them for what they are and choose to move on.

I meet people all the time who ultimately deal quite successfully with the fallout of a truly difficult childhood.

Moving away from guilt Many people feel guilty about putting themselves first or saying no to other people.

I remember once looking up the meaning of guilt with a client.

What we discovered is that guilt is a perceived emotion,

Which is generally tied to doing something horribly wrong on purpose.

According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary,

Guilt 1.

The fact of having committed a breach of conduct,

Especially violating law and involving a penalty.

Broadly,

Guilty conduct.

2a.

The state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously.

B.

Feelings of culpability,

Especially for imagined offenses.

Or from a sense of inadequacy.

Guilt is a strong emotion and can make one feel really awful.

But is it always warranted?

Consider these questions when those niggling feelings of guilt arise.

Did you consciously go out of your way to do harm to someone?

Did you do something terrible and very hurtful?

Or did you just not do something someone else wanted you to do?

Was what they wanted you to do reasonable?

Or did you feel like it was too much?

Be honest with yourself.

Sometimes it's really difficult to give ourselves permission to say no to doing what others want us to do because we're afraid of feeling guilty.

We would rather put our needs last than deal with the perceived guilt.

Guilt is often only that,

Perceived.

We often think that others will be upset with us if we don't do what they want us to do.

Sometimes they will be upset,

But often that's not our responsibility.

Most times,

We just assume that they will think badly of us when,

In fact,

They probably won't.

As difficult as an MS diagnosis seemed to me at first,

I perversely realized that having a chronic illness had many advantages,

Too.

For as long as I could remember,

I devoted a huge amount of effort to taking care of others.

I worked very hard to protect my mother and ran around doing things for her.

I also felt incredibly guilty if I didn't spend every free moment with my grandmother.

I had been so busy trying to be responsible for everyone else that I didn't even know what taking personal responsibility meant.

So whilst being diagnosed with MS was painful and difficult on many levels,

It also was of benefit to me.

I was able to use the fact that I was sick as an excuse to say no without feeling the guilt I had so often experienced before.

I could say that I was tired,

That I needed to take my medication,

Or that I needed to just focus on me and my needs without the stigma of appearing selfish.

So with the diagnosis,

All of a sudden,

I found a way to give myself permission to say no.

The problem was that it only worked as long as I held on to my disease.

As soon as I started to get better and gain both emotional and physical strength,

I wanted to start living a normal life.

But I soon realized that I had a conflict.

If I wanted to feel better and move past my diagnosis,

I had to shed its label and everything that went with it,

Including the ability to hide behind it and use it as an excuse,

Thus misguidedly eluding feelings of guilt.

I had to overcome the fear of the disease and start taking personal responsibility for myself,

Independently of anything else.

I had experienced what it was like to feel free and to give myself permission to take care of myself first and say no to things without the guilt.

I now had to give myself permission to make my own decisions because I thought they were the best choice for me.

I needed to know that there would be a day when I was well,

But I still wanted to live the guilt-free,

Honest,

And responsible life that my diagnosis had made possible.

Unfortunately,

There are still days when I have to say no to something I would have loved to have done,

But cannot because of my health.

I am now at a place where I use ramifications to my health as a reason to say no,

Not as an excuse.

And I don't always like it,

But it is the new reality.

Ultimately,

We still have to take care of ourselves,

Otherwise we are no good to anyone in the long run.

However,

Sometimes,

When it comes to exercising the muscle of giving yourself permission to live your life,

Or even just saying no,

You might want to come up with a harmless excuse like,

I have to work,

I need to wash my hair,

Or I have to help a friend,

To try saying no on for size,

As it were.

Where do you have to lose the guilt?

Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual,

You have an obligation to be one.

Eleanor Roosevelt A lovely woman came to see me because she was very unhappy at work.

I'm sick of always following the same routine,

She said,

And I'm fed up with my boss.

She is so difficult and demanding,

It's really very difficult to feel enthusiastic and happy every morning when I head off to the office.

Natasha worked for one of the biggest advertising firms in the world,

And was in charge of one of the company's most important accounts.

She had a good salary,

And most of the people she knew assumed that she was really enjoying her snazzy job and her great apartment.

Little did they know what was really going on.

Occasionally there's a challenge at work that's fun,

But mostly I just feel uninspired by what I do all day.

I'm fed up,

I need a change,

But I don't know what I want to do.

As we worked together,

It soon became apparent that what others thought of her and her career was vital to her.

She felt that she needed to know that she was doing the right thing,

And it was crucial that other people approved of her decisions and how she approached her life.

This became quite tiring for her.

Natasha had grown up in a very strict household.

Her father was domineering and held very strong opinions on how she should behave,

Who she could and could not spend time with,

How she should dress,

And in general,

How she should represent the family.

Unsurprisingly,

Her father also had very clear ideas of what were worthwhile career options for Natasha and what were not.

As we explored what Natasha found inspiring,

We soon realized that she liked to be creative and that color and flair were important to her.

It turned out that she had long dreamed of starting an online fashion business.

However,

After much thought and planning,

She decided against it.

If you really want to work in fashion,

I asked her one day,

Why don't you?

I already believed that Natasha had enough business experience coupled with a real passion for clothing to be hired by a reputable company.

There didn't seem to be any good,

Objective reason for her not to pursue her dream.

After discussing the matter for a while,

Natasha admitted that she never seriously considered a job in fashion to be an option,

As her father would not have seen it as a worthwhile focus for a career.

By this time,

We had worked a lot on her need to take care of herself and do things in line with what really mattered to her,

And not just focusing on what others expected of her.

Acknowledging that she had been holding herself back because she was worried about what her father might think or do,

Natasha was able to understand that she wanted to live according to her needs and wants.

And what she wanted was to work in fashion.

So she set the wheels in motion.

At our next session,

Natasha excitedly told me that,

Out of the blue,

A headhunter had approached her about a position in one of Britain's largest fashion houses.

She was perfectly qualified for the job and was offered it a few days after the interview.

Amazing.

Somewhere in the past,

Natasha had decided that what she really cared about wasn't really important.

Ultimately,

It all boiled down to her father's issue and her need for him to feel pleased with her.

Once she was able to clear the block and take back her life,

She was suddenly presented with a life-changing opportunity.

I often ask clients if they have swept their side of the street.

If we envision our lives as a row of houses,

We can imagine how each occupant is only responsible for clearing autumn leaves or snow from the area in front of their own properties.

They might look disapprovingly at the mess in the front of the house across the street,

But its upkeep really isn't any of their business,

And it certainly isn't their responsibility.

We can always help our neighbours,

But we cannot do their work for them.

If the mess is in someone else's front yard,

Legally we're not even allowed to go onto their property without their permission.

When issues arise in our lives,

We need to ask ourselves if we've done whatever is most responsible in the given situation.

Have we taken control over those elements that are within our circle of control?

Have we done what we're supposed to do in a way that's consistent with what we believe to be important?

When we're able to take responsibility for our lives and sweep our side of the street,

Life becomes more manageable.

As we spend less time wrestling with the mess outside other people's houses,

It becomes easier for us to be more authentic as our real selves and to be proud to invite others over for a barbecue in our yard.

Once I understood that I was making decisions for myself based on other circumstances and desires,

I started to look around and pay attention to what I would like to do.

I decided I wanted to move back to London from Los Angeles.

I wouldn't be a less responsible daughter and granddaughter if I no longer ran around trying to organize every aspect of other people's lives.

In fact,

I could be a better daughter and granddaughter by being responsible for myself.

I could stop blaming my family's situation for the things that I perceived as being wrong with my life.

I could love and support my family members from a position of trust.

I could trust them to take care for themselves and ask for help when they needed it.

I would always be there for them.

At the same time,

I had to trust in myself to make the decisions that were right for me.

It was such a relief to take personal responsibility,

To sweep my side of the street and to leave others to maintain their own properties.

When I worked with Francesca,

She was struggling with alcoholism and,

By extension,

Had never given herself permission to think about what she really wanted for her life.

She gave most of her money away and spent the rest on wine and designer clothes she couldn't afford.

She was distraught because she knew that her behavior was having a big impact on her relationship with her young daughter.

Having confirmed that she was dealing with her alcoholism by attending AA meetings and working with a sponsor,

I worked with her on how she could manage her debt,

How she could restructure her work so that she could spend more time with her child and how she could finally give herself permission to take charge of her life.

She had to make some painful decisions,

Including moving to a smaller house and selling her car,

But she worked through them.

Most importantly,

As she became able to assume a leadership position in her own life,

She stopped giving her money away,

She took control of her drinking,

She spent quality time with her daughter,

And she ultimately was able to live more peacefully and authentically.

Take Back Your Life If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble,

You wouldn't sit for a month.

Theodore Roosevelt Sometimes,

All that is necessary to start this journey is to realize that the only obstacle to achieving the life you want is yourself.

The first step to combating your blockage is to grant yourself the permission and trust to just get started.

It can be unnerving to give yourself permission to take personal responsibility,

And you may encounter many challenges along the way.

But in the end,

Doing so will free you to make the choices that will enable you to create the life you've always wanted.

Doesn't that make it worth the effort?

I think it does.

The Permission Journey,

Stage 3 So here we are at your third stop in the Sandwich Islands in the South Atlantic Ocean.

You have traveled the journey of giving yourself permission to take back your life,

Which basically involves taking personal responsibility for everything you think,

Feel,

And do.

The journey itself is the process,

Everything you have become aware of,

Everything you have learned,

And everything you have started to implement in your everyday life.

Here's the same set of questions you've heard in previous chapters,

But this time,

Hold your responsibilities in the forefront of your mind as you answer them.

As before,

These questions allow you to gauge where you are and what you've learned.

As always,

It's good to take stock of how far you've come,

And your answers to these questions will act as a celebration of sorts.

Remember,

It's all about taking souvenirs with you and leaving behind items that just weigh down your suitcase.

1.

What did you learn for and about yourself in this chapter?

2.

What tools or realizations are you going to take with you on your journey?

3.

What traits,

Behaviors,

Thoughts,

Or memories are you going to leave behind?

Armed with your newfound sense of personal responsibility,

You are now able to embark on the next stage of your journey.