Ch 11: Give Yourself Permission To Know Your Dream Team

The people you surround yourself with can shape how you see yourself—and what you believe is possible. In this chapter, we explore how to recognize your foundational, current, and inspirational Dream Teams, and how each plays a role in your personal growth. You’ll learn how to gently release relationships that no longer serve you, and how to show up more fully as a supportive, intentional member of someone else’s team. We’ll also explore the surprising ways over-relying on strength can block deeper connection. You have permission to build a community that sees you, supports you, and helps you thrive.

Listen on, and we will navigate the seven seas to freedom together.

Ch 11: Give Yourself Permission To Know Your Dream Team: 'Give Yourself Permission to Live Your Life', written and read by Priya Rana Kapoor (Balboa Press), ©2014/2025 Priya Rana Kapoor

Transcript

Chapter 11,

Give Yourself Permission to Know Your Dream Team.

I am successful today because I had a friend who believed in me,

And I didn't have the heart to let him down,

Abraham Lincoln.

This chapter introduces you to the concept of the dream team.

There are three different types of dream teams,

Your foundational dream team,

Your current dream team,

And your inspirational dream team.

And not to overlook you as another's dream team member.

Why am I mentioning teams amid all the talk of encouraging you to take personal responsibility and determining whose life you're living?

You might be thinking that you're now all alone and that you have to go it alone.

But of course,

That's not true.

I believe that we all have many more supporters than we might think.

Your team could include a tutor you had at university,

Or a teacher in school who saw your potential in a particular area and encouraged you.

Remember the story I told you in the prologue about my old boss,

Joe,

Who came to visit me when I was sick?

Well,

He is almost certainly the captain of my dream team.

His action made me feel like I mattered to someone.

Sure,

I mattered to many people at the time,

And I probably knew it.

But all of a sudden,

I felt it.

Joe's attention and presence came from a place of love and was uplifting.

He changed my life.

Without him,

I probably would not be here doing the work I'm doing today,

Or writing this book.

Your foundational dream team.

The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon,

But only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher,

Thomas Henry Huxley.

When I was training to be a coach,

My class was asked to write a list of 100 people who could help us with our business in some way.

Yikes,

I thought.

100 people?

I wasn't sure I even knew 100 people.

I persevered and came up with a pretty decent list.

And this started me thinking about all the people over the years who had supported me.

Making a list of your foundational dream team is an extension of the gratitude concept we discussed in chapter nine,

Give yourself permission to be happy.

As it involves scanning our environment for the positive.

The people on this list should be the individuals who have offered you strength,

Who have inspired you,

And dare I say it,

Those who have given you permission to be yourself.

These are also people who have encouraged you,

Given you a chance,

Seen your potential,

And been willing to help you.

People have been there in both small and large ways.

The point is,

We are not alone.

We do not have to face life's challenges alone,

Nor should we leave others on their own.

It's enriching to be grateful for the sparks of wisdom and visionary words that come our way,

Sometimes from the most unexpected places.

Some people's input can be incredibly valuable,

But we also have to critically decide what advice we choose to take.

The concept of a foundational dream team was born out of the list I was encouraged to make whilst in my coaching program.

A few years ago,

I was feeling quite low.

I had recently moved back to the UK.

I was struggling to start my business,

And I had just left a relationship that I had been quite invested in.

I neglected to make new friends upon my return to the UK,

And as a result,

I was feeling alone.

I needed some outside encouragement,

But I didn't know where to turn.

I had a handful of amazing friends in London,

Whom I'd known since childhood,

But I felt there were only so many times I could lean on the same individuals.

I decided to take matters into my own hands,

And take some responsibility for my own self-esteem and self-worth.

I also knew I had to recognize the many things I had to be grateful for to help change my mindset.

So having remembered the list I made of 100 people who could help me in my business endeavors,

I decided to write a list of all the people I felt had believed in me in the past.

I wasn't sure how many I would come up with,

But as I wrote,

And the list got longer and longer,

I was amazed and humbled.

As soon as I remembered one person,

Another would pop up,

And so on and so forth.

Some of the people on my list were individuals I had worked with,

Others were doctors who had taken care of me,

Teachers who had believed in me,

Family members who had been there for me,

Friends who had loved me,

And pastors who had soothed me.

I was then able to see my relationships in a new light,

And I didn't feel quite so alone.

Not everyone on your dream team has to utter life-transforming words at crucial moments in your life.

Some can be people you have met only once or twice,

And many probably don't even know that they played an important,

Supportive role in your life.

When we see people who believe in us,

We feel worthwhile.

As a result,

We feel better about ourselves,

Our self-esteem grows,

And we can then make healthier choices for ourselves.

Again,

This kind of work is to be done from our insides,

For our own private use.

I have never shown that list to anyone.

That might be bragging and conceited,

But it makes me feel good inside and encourages me to keep engaging with people in the best way I know how.

I remember a particular talk I had with my neurologist.

He had been my doctor for over eight years at this point,

So we knew each other well.

I confided that my then-husband and I had decided we probably didn't see a future together and were thinking of separating.

He responded by saying,

Whatever you do,

Priya,

Make sure you have an enchanted life.

Those words resonated with me,

And I've tried to live by them ever since.

I was so captivated by his words that they became embedded in my value system.

He's a member of my foundational dream team.

Some foundational dream team members have helped in a physical way,

But often don't understand the impact they've had.

I remember very fondly a cobbler I finally found,

Who helped me fix my shoes in a way that helped relieve my back pain.

I will be forever grateful to him for his kindness and persistence.

He made a fundamental difference in my life by doing his work in a compassionate and thorough manner,

And contributed to my physical well-being.

A client of mine told me about a member of her dream team,

A florist who worked on the street near her home when she was in her late teens.

She was walking home one day distraught,

As she had just broken up with her boyfriend.

You look like you could do with some flowers,

The florist said as she passed,

And he handed her five bunches of chrysanthemums.

She was amazed that he had even noticed her,

And that he had shown her such kindness.

It made the feelings of loneliness and hurt more manageable,

And gave her faith that she would be happy again.

She is now in her 40s and still remembers how he made her feel.

And I dare say he has no idea what a difference he made in her life.

The people on your dream team may have worked for you,

Or vice versa.

They might know that they're important in your life,

Or perhaps they don't even remember who you are.

Whatever the case,

They are the ones who were willing to reach out and lend a hand when you needed it.

Knowing that there are people who cared about you,

Believed in you,

And felt that you were worth some of their effort,

And your own,

Is one of the most powerful tools that you can have in growing your sense of worth.

And ultimately,

In learning how to give yourself permission to do what you think is right and best for you.

The key lies in recognizing them for their efforts,

And the seemingly small yet profound impact they had on you.

The act of making this list can be eye-opening and extremely encouraging.

So,

Who are the people who have changed your life?

Who has believed in you in some way,

Or really helped you without knowing what an impact it would have on you?

Who has gone out of their way to be kind to you?

Unfortunately,

Sometimes people give up their whole lives for others.

They feel constantly drained,

And often grow resentful,

And unable to see those who added to their lives.

This is not because they're being purposefully ignorant,

But because the pressure to be there for everyone else overwhelms them.

These distracting blinkers don't allow them to even recognize any kind of positive attention from others.

You may find it difficult to identify your foundational dream team members,

Or you may say you don't have anyone.

But I would challenge you to think deeper.

I'm sure that you'll be pleasantly surprised by the results.

I wrote my list in my phone.

I sometimes take it out to remind myself that people have cared in the past,

And that I owe it to them to keep going,

And make them proud.

It is the motivation I need to give myself permission to continue trying to do my best every day.

When I said that I wanted to make them proud,

I was half joking.

By identifying these people,

We're not only practicing gratitude and taking stock of the fact that we just might be worth something,

But we're also in some way making ourselves accountable to these individuals.

If they felt that we were worth their time,

Then we need to honor their efforts.

It's sometimes easier to be accountable to others at first,

As it exercises the muscle of accountability,

Before we learn and want to be accountable to ourselves.

It's a little trick we can play on our brains.

We can practice what accountability feels like.

We can then face the real test.

Take personal responsibility,

And understand that being accountable to ourselves can also be sufficient motivation to live our lives to the fullest.

Your current dream team.

A friend is someone who understands your past,

Believes in your future,

And accepts you just the way you are,

Author unknown.

Many of us get stressed and exhausted,

Because we think we have to do everything on our own.

Speaking for myself,

I still shudder when I remember the days when I thought I had no choice but to do my own accounts.

All my life,

I had found everything to do with numbers and money very difficult.

It used to make me so nervous that I just shut down.

I think my anxiety around money came about because of the childhood I had.

With uncertainty about resources,

And the fact that I was not as good at maths as my school friends.

Years later,

Bookkeeping became an awful chore that ate into the time I had available to work with my clients.

Eventually,

I realized I needed to hire someone to help.

I resisted the notion for a long time,

As I felt I couldn't afford it.

But I finally gave in.

Well,

The results were amazing.

Not only does Matthias do a much better job than I ever could,

But I have more time to devote to the work I love to do.

I also realized that I had been subconsciously blocking new clients from coming in,

Because I feared the additional paperwork that would invariably result from seeing more clients.

By now,

I have wholeheartedly embraced the knowledge that this lovely German man is a very important member of my current dream team.

I would encourage you to make a list of everyone you know who is around to help you in some way.

This is your current dream team.

Each of us has a current dream team,

Even if we haven't yet learned how to think of our relationships in that way.

Nobody can do everything on their own.

Of course,

I pay my bookkeeper for the services he provides.

But many of the members of my current dream team don't provide a paid service.

And most of them don't know that they're on my dream team in the first place.

Exercise.

Who's on your current dream team?

I do realize that not everyone can afford to hire help.

But your list can be comprised of people you pay and who you do not pay.

Either way,

These people help you in a small or large way.

The point here is to be grateful for them and know that you can go to different people,

Depending on their skills and the agreement,

Said or unsaid,

That you have with them.

When I did this exercise for the first time,

I focused on who could tell others about my business,

Who might be able to spread the word.

However,

Let's look a little further.

Your list could include the cleaner in the office who stops everything from descending into chaos.

The friends who love you enough to tell you when you're being unreasonable.

The sibling who never lets you forget your mother's birthday.

Or the colleague whose eye for detail compliments your ability to see the big picture.

There are many people who are unaware of their importance to you,

Such as the friendly old man in the corner shop who sells you a Danish every day on the way to work and whose warm good morning always cheers you up.

These people can be on your current dream team too.

They don't have to know it.

The fact that you know that you have such a long list of people who support you in their various ways is what really matters here.

You are not alone.

This exercise is useful on multiple levels.

First,

As mentioned,

It helps us practice gratitude and therefore keeps a positive mindset.

Second,

It gives you a list to go to when you might need help with something,

But can't think of whom to ask off the top of your head.

Sometimes you'll realize that someone has a contact you hadn't considered.

As we discussed in chapter ten,

Give yourself permission to have healthy relationships.

Not every person is appropriate for every instance in which you may need help.

You may have a close friend who's great at setting you straight when you go on a wobbly,

But who you would never go shopping with,

As she doesn't have the same style as you.

Different people can help you in different ways.

However,

All the people on your list should be trustworthy.

As we've seen,

Trust is a big issue and can get in the way of asking someone for help and,

Indeed,

Of any relationship.

Last,

This list will help you identify a group of people who have similar values to yours and,

In some way,

Have your best interests at heart.

You might be thinking,

I don't want to ask people for help all the time.

I'm not suggesting that you do.

What I am saying is that sometimes knowing there are people available is good enough.

Granted,

You have to pick and choose who and how often you ask for help,

But this list allows you to make informed and focused choices if you do ask for help.

The thing is,

People don't have to say yes.

It's up to them to choose.

However,

In my experience,

People generally want to help others,

As long as they don't feel taken advantage of or resentful.

Again,

Sometimes it seems easier to be accountable to others for your actions and dreams,

But ultimately,

You are only truly accountable to yourself.

You can take strength from knowing that there's a dream team behind you and that throughout your life,

There have been so many people who believe in you.

But just as you need to learn how to give yourself permission,

You need to learn how to be accountable to yourself.

This means that you live your life according to your own standards.

It does not mean being hard on yourself,

But it does mean taking personal responsibility for your actions and honoring yourself accordingly.

Even the most important members of your dream team cannot be tasked with giving you permission to do what you want and need to do.

Your inspirational dream team.

Leaders don't create followers,

They create more leaders.

Tom Peters.

Have you ever seen a quote you thought was just great and that really encapsulated how you felt about life?

Or one that reflected your life or work philosophy perfectly?

Did you think you might want to be like that person or might want to know more about them?

Exercise,

Who's in your inspirational dream team?

One of the best ways to be successful is to learn about how other people did things and tweak those actions to your own style.

You might say,

Well,

That flies in the face of don't compare your insides with everyone else's outsides,

But in fact,

It does not.

I'm not asking you to compare yourself to others.

I'm suggesting that you look at people you might think have done something worthwhile or something you might want to do and learn from them.

Research their childhoods and life stories.

Learn from their mistakes,

Strategies,

And successes.

Thankfully,

Most successful people have published some sort of biography or memoir.

Identify a handful of people,

Maybe five,

Who have inspired you in some way or who you think have done a particularly good job with something,

And find out a little bit more about them.

Alternatively,

If you don't want to read a whole book,

A little Google search will go a long way.

Now write down all the traits you admire,

See which traits you share,

Identify the ones you need to work on,

And get to work.

Again,

All of this can be done without anyone knowing.

Sooner or later,

Though,

The game is gonna be up.

As you start to care about yourself and become empowered and inspired,

You'll change the way you do things,

And you might just be noticeably happier.

I've been an Apple Mac user since the dawn of time,

And I have loads of Apple products.

So when Steve Jobs' biography came out,

I immediately read it.

I had heard rumors that he wasn't the easiest of people to deal with.

But I had enjoyed his products for many years,

And they had made my life a lot easier,

More enjoyable,

Chic,

And fun.

Sometimes,

I think I may be hardwired into my music.

When I read his biography,

I learned some very important lessons.

I learned that he had a habit of just getting things done,

Right then and there.

He didn't run things by committee,

And hence didn't slow things down with deliberation.

He assumed responsibility for the product.

Admittedly,

He could do this because Apple was essentially his company,

And he was the driving force behind it.

Of course,

Not everyone heads a business and can make all their business decisions without clearance from others.

But we are all bosses of our own lives.

Steve Jobs' biography taught me that sometimes I don't have to wait to ask people if they think it's okay for me to do something.

I can give myself permission to do what I think is the best move in a given situation.

Streamlining your dream team.

Don't walk behind me.

I may not lead.

Don't walk in front of me.

I may not follow.

Just walk beside me and be my friend,

Albert Camus.

In recognizing the immense support that a dream team can provide,

We need to be careful to distinguish between support and permission.

Whilst the members of our dream team provide us with the ability to ask for practical help and advice whenever we need it,

We however need to avoid looking to them for absolute permission.

Taking personal responsibility means that we are our own ultimate grantors of permission.

So let's delve into this a little further.

My mother is on my dream team.

However,

Like many people,

She is not a blanket member.

She's good for some things and not for others.

As I've said repeatedly,

I spent many years seeking her approval and permission.

If she did approve of my choices,

Then I felt that she was happy with me.

Because of this way of thinking,

I often ended up doing things to make her happy,

Which did not make me happy.

In so doing,

I hadn't taken personal responsibility for my life.

I had lost all hope of giving myself permission to do anything I thought was best for me.

I had orchestrated a situation in which there was just no space to give myself permission to be me.

So my mother is not always who I turn to when it comes to making emotional choices.

However,

She is absolutely the first person I would go to if I were ill,

In an accident,

Or had to go to hospital.

She is tenacious with doctors,

And I know that she would do anything and everything to make sure I had the best care and that I stayed alive.

I know she loves me beyond measure,

And I have no doubt that she would have my back in a life-or-death scenario.

She's also a good lunch and shopping partner,

But not a great workout buddy.

Be sure you make a close inventory of all your Dream Team members and assess whether you're looking for approval from any of them.

You can ask their advice as long as you're not looking for their validation in some way.

The right advice from the right person can go a long way.

After all,

We're not experts in everything.

However,

It's up to you to make a decision for yourself given all the information you can gather.

It is virtually impossible for any one person to be everything to anybody.

No one can fulfill every one of your needs.

This is why we have different Dream Team members.

However,

Sometimes an individual has believed in you in the past,

Is currently around to support you,

And truly inspires you.

This is rare,

But you are extremely lucky to have that person in your life if you do.

Lastly,

Many people believe in some higher power,

Such as God,

Allah,

Buddha,

Or Krishna.

Maybe he,

She,

It can be on any or all of your Dream Teams.

You get to choose how you interact with this unseen but powerful force and energy.

This is a deeply personal choice and relationship,

And it is for you to engage with as you see fit.

You as a Dream Team member If you have knowledge,

Let others light their candle in it.

Margaret Fuller At the same time as taking stock of those who have helped us,

We need to seek opportunities to put our own positive influence back into the world.

Here comes the twist.

I've spent the better part of this book telling you to look within,

Trust yourself,

Listen to yourself,

And do what you think is best for you.

But now I'm going to ask you to consider helping others,

And to think about where others might need help.

As discussed in Chapter 10,

Give Yourself Permission to Have Healthy Relationships,

We don't live in a land without other people.

We have to interact with others at the same time as taking care of ourselves.

So let's take a look at a way we can help others that is aligned with our own highest values and is beneficial to everyone,

A way that will not render you exhausted and depleted.

Take a look around and see whose Dream Team you can be a part of.

Right away,

I know that you'll probably think about your immediate family or all the people you have selflessly helped in the past,

People who may have taken advantage of you.

Maybe the idea makes you bark,

But as we discussed in Chapter 10,

Give Yourself Permission to Have Healthy Relationships,

You get to engage with people on your own terms,

Because you want to,

Not because you feel you have to.

You get to decide what you're responsible for in a relationship.

If it's important to you to make your sister happy on her birthday,

Regardless of what a pain she's been all year round,

Why not do something nice for her?

Be her Dream Team member,

And maybe she'll learn from your generosity.

Or maybe not.

Lead by example.

Treat people the way you want to be treated,

Without losing yourself in the process.

So what kind of interaction with others is good for you or in line with your values?

As you've heard,

Some of my highest values are communication,

Beauty,

And being of service to others.

One of the ways I can fulfill these values is to stop and ask a lost person if they need help finding something.

I live in a part of London where a lot of tourists always seem to get lost.

Thankfully,

I speak a few languages.

When I'm in an area I know well and see someone looking perplexed at a map and the street signs,

I love to stop and help.

At first,

The tourist seems shocked and confused or even afraid,

But then they soften when they realize I don't want anything from them.

After my help,

They're usually exceptionally grateful and walk off with smiles on their faces.

This makes me feel really good,

As I've communicated effectively and I've been able to help someone to navigate my wonderful city with a little more ease.

London is a city that I love and hope they do too,

So I don't want them going home with a bad impression of London and Londoners.

I realize that this might sound really weird,

But I know how appreciative I am when someone helps me in a city I don't know.

When that happens,

I have a more favorable impression of the inhabitants of the city and the city itself,

And I'm relieved to be a little surer that I'm not lost and that I'm going in the right direction.

I feel more confident,

So I'm happier.

I would like to think that I'm on the tourist's dream team and hope that my intervention helps them.

So whose dream team could you be on?

As in my example of the tourists,

People don't necessarily have to know that you're on their dream team.

It's really up to them to figure it out.

Have you ever smiled at someone and found them shocked at first,

Before they softened and smiled and said,

Good morning.

How do you think you made them feel?

What you've been doing is spreading positivity and happiness.

When strength is a weakness,

What we all need to understand and take on board is that asking for help is emphatically not a sign of weakness.

It is often a sign of strength.

We should not have to wait until we are on a ledge,

Either literally or metaphorically.

Knowing when we need to look outside of ourselves and maybe even outside our immediate circles of family and friends for help and support is strong and brave.

It can also be the first step towards a better,

More fulfilled future.

Even if the problems we're facing seem relatively small,

It's never weak to ask for help.

So many people honestly believe that they have to be strong all the time and that they shouldn't seek assistance from others.

Way too often,

These people end up spiraling into depression because they don't let themselves voice their feelings of loneliness or anxiety.

Feeling increasingly unsure of themselves,

They don't want to interact with others and they retreat into a very closed space that they don't share with anyone.

Many people fear being seen as weak.

They worry incessantly about what others will think of them if they let their happy,

Shiny image slip,

Even for a moment.

They won't give themselves permission to reach out and ask for help.

They voice the often erroneous thought that they're a fraud,

That if they show themselves too much to others,

People might see through them.

Most of the time,

These are all just fears.

I had no option but to ask for help,

And now I can see that this was a time in my life when I was strong,

Not weak.

I remember sitting on that ledge and feeling hopeless,

But I listened to my gut,

Or maybe even a higher power,

And I knew I couldn't do it alone.

This was a time when I found strength in reaching out to the right person and asking for help and support.

All in all,

It's incredibly empowering,

Humbling,

And comforting to take stock of the people who comprise your three dream teams.

It's often useful to feel accountable to them until you get to a place where you can think you matter enough to be accountable to yourself.

In one way or another,

Those people will always be important in your life,

And it's important to be respectful of their time and effort.

When you give yourself permission to know you matter,

You will understand and act upon the mutually compatible truth that you alone have the power to make the right decisions for yourself and that you will know when you need to turn to someone from your dream team for support and guidance.

And last,

You'll see that you enhance others' lives when you are a functioning and healthy member of their dream teams.

Support them,

But don't do everything for them,

And certainly don't help others to gain approval for yourself.

Be there for others when you want to and come from a place of love.

You have arrived in the Bellini Islands in the Southern Ocean.

You met your dream teams,

Those people who have believed in you and those you can trust.

The journey itself is the process.

Everything you have become aware of,

Everything you have learnt,

And everything you have started to implement in your everyday life.

Here is the same set of questions you've previously heard,

But this time,

Hold your dream teams in the forefront of your mind as you answer them.

As before,

These questions allow you to gauge where you are and what you've learnt.

As always,

It's good to take stock of how far you've come and your answers to these questions will act as a celebration of sorts.

Remember,

It's all about taking souvenirs with you and leaving behind items that just weigh down your suitcase.

1.

What did you learn for and about yourself in this chapter?

2.

What tools or realisations are you going to take with you on your journey?

3.

What traits,

Behaviours,

Thoughts or memories are you going to leave behind?

Armed with your newfound sense of support and accountability,

You are now ready to embark on the last stage of your journey.

From here,

You get to go home.

This stage of the journey will amalgamate everything you've picked up along the way and add a few last-minute tools.

You are now in a place where you can give yourself permission to dream big and live your life at home with your friends,

Family,

Job and hobbies.