How Codependency Disconnects You From Yourself

So in today's video,

I'm talking about how codependency disconnects you from being who you really are and how to find yourself again.

But if you're new,

My name is Michelle Ferris.

I'm a psychotherapist,

And I love helping people create relationships that work.

So if you relate to codependency,

You spend most of your time helping,

Rescuing,

Fixing,

Or managing other people's emotions.

And while being caring and generous is not a bad thing,

When your identity becomes wrapped up in trying to make everyone else happy,

You end up losing that connection to yourself.

And you find yourself looking to others for approval,

Doubting your own decisions,

Needing a lot of external validation,

Not being able to set good boundaries.

Feeling guilty for having needs.

Ignoring your intuition,

And even struggling to identify what you want and need.

So in codependency,

Instead of learning that your feelings matter,

You actually learn to put other people's needs ahead of your own,

Because that's where you get your value,

By negating your needs for the sake of others.

This is exactly how codependency starts.

If you are relating to this,

Say me too in the comments,

This video is going to help.

So one of our superpowers in codependency is we're really good at figuring out what other people need and how they feel and how best to take care of them because we are super givers.

I know for me and my own codependency recovery,

I have considered myself that and most of my clients consider themselves a super giver.

You give way more than other people around you because you have a huge heart.

The problem is,

Is that you don't have any boundaries around that giving and that's what creates the codependent behavior.

This is especially common for women in midlife where they've spent their entire lives taking care of their families,

Their parents,

Their children,

Only to realize by the time they're 50,

55 years old that they haven't done anything for themselves.

If this is you,

You might be struggling with feeling angry,

Resentful,

Feeling like you've missed your own life because all of your energy has been wrapped up in taking care of others and hoping that some of that love and care is going to come back to you.

But the problem is in our codependency,

People have no idea how we feel.

And this is what starts the disconnection we have with ourselves.

Because when you're hyper-focused on other people's needs,

Even though that becomes your superpower,

The downside to that is that you don't know what you need or how you feel anymore.

Because you're not paying attention to that.

You're hyper-focused on what other people think and feel so that you can stay safe.

But in that process,

You don't pay attention to your intuition or what you need or what's best for you.

Life is wrapped up in what's best for other people and putting yourself last.

And let's face it,

Why do we do this?

We do this because we get kudos for it.

We get praise for being the giver,

The helper,

The one that contributes,

The person that everyone goes to when things are bad.

That's why codependent people tend to give so much.

It becomes part of their identity where we now only see ourselves as the super giver,

As the one that gives 120%.

The problem is,

Is that usually by the time we're in midlife and our kids are going out of the nest,

We're empty and we don't have anything left to give.

And that's a really good time to start looking at codependency recovery.

Another way codependency disconnects us from ourselves is our need for a lot of external validation.

When you're codependent,

You're externally focused,

Which means you are definitely focusing more on others than yourself.

And part of that is needing other people to approve of your choices,

Your decisions.

And so when you're faced with making a decision,

You can't make one.

You need all your friends and family to agree or say that you're doing it right.

But if they don't agree with you,

You feel stuck and you don't know how to move on.

Because when we're externally focused,

We really don't trust ourselves and our own intuition.

I know in periods of my early recovery I was constantly asking my friends what they think I should do because I had no ability to choose for myself.

I didn't trust how I felt or how I thought because I wasn't encouraged as a child to pay attention to that.

Maybe you can relate to that where your thoughts,

Your feelings as a child got ignored and you didn't learn how to develop that natural intuition that we all have.

So when I would try to make decisions I would constantly second-guess myself.

And I would feel bad.

Because I wanted reassurance.

I wanted confirmation that I was doing it right when really there is no such thing.

And the longer I'm in recovery,

The more I realize that self-trust is about taking a risk and doing what you want to do in the moment,

Even if it's wrong,

Even if other people don't agree with it.

That's part of what self-trust is.

And this is the antidote for disconnecting with yourself is building that self-trust.

And for me,

Self-trust is the ability to validate your needs,

Your feelings,

Your choices,

Even when other people don't agree.

Maybe they don't approve of your choices.

That's okay.

Self-trust is about learning how to pay attention to your feelings,

Your wants,

Your needs.

And let that be more important than what other people think of you.

This is a tall task,

Especially if you're in codependency recovery,

Because most codependent people struggle with people pleasing.

We would rather please others than do what we think is best for ourselves because we assume a negative outcome.

We assume that people are going to be mad at us or think that we're selfish,

When really most of the time people are more concerned about themselves.

So worrying about what they think of you is usually a non-issue,

But being able to bring that focus back to yourself and what you need is the core of codependency recovery.

So how do you start to build self-trust?

Well,

The first thing is you need to start validating your feelings.

No matter what you feel,

No matter what other people think or say,

You really want to start tuning into how you think and how you feel and start honoring that.

Because when we can start validating our own feelings,

No matter what,

Then we're really on a deeper road of recovery.

Your need for external approval will go way down and that's when you start experiencing more relief.

The other thing I want you to do is start noticing when you're seeking external approval when you're wanting to make 20 phone calls to get agreement that what you're thinking or feeling is correct.

Because when you do that,

Notice that you're actually starting to disconnect from yourself because you're putting the other person's opinion above your own.

So that's a really simple way to really stop that disconnection,

To just turn the focus back on you and say,

You know what,

No matter what,

I can validate my own feeling.

I feel what I feel and there's nothing bad or wrong about that.

They're just feelings that come and go and they're very fluid and they change on a dime.

So judging ourselves for how we feel is really not a helpful part of the process.

The next thing that would help you stop disconnecting from yourself is to start practicing little baby boundaries.

Maybe the next time someone asks you for something,

You say,

Oh,

I'm so sorry,

I can't.

Or someone asks for a volunteer and you stay silent.

You don't raise your hand.

You just let somebody else do it.

Those are some really simple baby boundaries that you can start to do today to start building self-trust.

Now the other thing is we really want to start honoring our intuition because this is what's going to reconnect you to yourself.

And part of that is validating your feeling.

But the other is to start getting quiet and paying attention to your body.

Like when somebody asks you to do something,

What's your body telling you?

Is it screaming?

No,

I don't want to do this.

Or is it?

Oh,

Absolutely.

It's a total yes.

Because your body is going to tell you what is a yes and what is a no.

We just have to pay attention to what that looks like in the body so that you can start to trust that.

How you start to reconnect back to yourself.

Thanks so much.