How To Set Boundaries & Stay Calm During The Holidays

In this track you I'll learn how to figure out your personal boundaries and stay calm for the holidays. Plus, you will get 3 questions to help you assess what you need by looking at your strengths. Healing can be simple and using these journal prompts are a great way to gain clarity and grow. Learn with me!

Transcript

This presentation is going to really help you have a much calmer, Happier holiday. So you're in the right place if you dread the holidays because you can't say no, Or you avoid setting boundaries because you don't know where to start, Or maybe you struggle to stay calm at family events, Especially with certain relatives, And you're ready to take better care of yourself and avoid resentment. So enjoying the holidays doesn't mean sacrificing everything for the sake of others. You have the right to take care of yourself even when others may disagree or not like it. So we're going to go over three keys for staying grounded during the holidays. One is setting healthy boundaries, Two is improving your communication, And three is managing your emotions. So first let's talk about healthy boundaries. Boundaries are limits you set to take care of yourself. They basically determine what you will and won't participate in. Boundaries reflect your personal values and what's important to you, Not what's important to other people. Asking someone to change their behavior is actually not a boundary, It's a And giving someone an ultimatum isn't a boundary either. That's more an attempt at control. Because boundaries are more about us and what we choose to do. So physical boundaries are defined as the amount of physical space you need in order to feel safe. This is super important, Especially during difficult conversations when you or someone you love is upset. Now emotional boundaries is how you take care of yourself in relationships so you feel safe. This includes how other people treat us, And what behaviors we are willing to accept. And I always like to include something on financial boundaries because this doesn't get talked about a lot, And this is basically your right to decide where and when to spend your money. Also, It's about being paid for your time and talent instead of working for free. So some common relationship boundaries I want you to think about are choosing not to be around someone when they drink, If that's a boundary for you, Or walking away when someone treats you badly. Avoid gossip and heated discussions or you want to say no when you need to take care of yourself. So when it comes to your boundaries, Are you setting them? Are you able to say no or speak up for yourself when something doesn't feel right? Now if the answer is no, That's okay. That's probably why you're here. What I want you to do is I want you to rate yourself from 1 to 10 on setting boundaries. 1 is you're not setting them at all and 10 is amazing. You're probably somewhere in the middle. Next, I want you to think about what are your boundaries? Because these are very specific questions I want you to answer. For instance, How much space physically do you need from someone? This is going to vary greatly depending on how much you trust them, How comfortable you are, Whether or not you're in conflict. The next one is what behaviors are unacceptable for you? When do you need to remove yourself? And what limits do you have around the holidays that you want to start setting? So some examples of holiday boundaries are spend less time at family events, Don't go for the entire day. Avoid hot topics that create conflict. Don't participate in heated discussions other people are having. Preserve your energy by walking away or talking to someone else. Create new traditions that are actually fun and relaxing that mean something to you instead of always doing the same thing over and over again. And be mindful of what you volunteer for because I can't say this enough, It is okay for you to say no. Now, If saying no feels too scary, Here are two gentle boundaries that are going to be easier for you to start setting. One is do less. Instead of volunteering or saying yes, I want you to be silent. Boundaries can be as simple as not doing more. The next one is remove yourself when it's not safe. This protects you from someone who is raging or disrespectful or someone you just don't feel comfortable with. Boundaries don't always need to be communicated. Sometimes all you need to do is vote with your feet by leaving. Now, It's important when we talk about boundaries to talk also about what's unacceptable behavior for you, Like yelling, Witnessing someone else's rage, Being around someone who is constantly critical, Or gaslighting, Which means they're basically denying your reality. Maybe someone is not respecting your personal boundaries, They dismiss or invalidate your feelings a lot, Refuse to apologize or take responsibility for their part. So I want you to ask yourself, What are your non-negotiable boundaries? Those behaviors that you will not tolerate. This is an exercise in identifying what you need to feel safe and happy during the holidays. And whenever we practice a new behavior, I want you to practice with the people who are easiest, Who already support you. And next, We're going to go through three questions throughout this workshop to help you figure out what you need to do to take care yourself. First is, What do you want to stop doing when it comes to boundaries? Next, What do you want to start doing, And what do you want to continue doing because it's already working? So for instance, Some examples of what you want to stop doing might be saying yes when you mean no, Or giving too much and then resenting it, Or paying for family and friends because you feel obligated to, Or taking responsibility for other people instead of just letting them handle their own life, Or putting up with unacceptable behavior. What do you want to start doing? Maybe you want to ask for help or be honest about what you need to the people closest to you. Prioritize what you want, Not just what your kids or your family wants. Practice saying no. Let yourself do less. Leave when you're being mistreated. Let other people, Again, Take responsibility for their own lives. You don't have to get in there and fix it. And what do you want to continue to do? So I want you to list the positive behaviors that you're already doing so you can acknowledge progress. And if you're not sure ask someone who knows you well that they might give you some good feedback. Alright, Let's talk about communication. So healthy communication is the ability to share thoughts and feelings without making the other person wrong or feel guilty. And some examples of this might be keep the focus on you by using I statements and I'll show you what that looks like in a minute. Share your opinions instead of being right. Sometimes we don't realize we're doing this because we want to be heard so badly. But that simple shift to express an opinion and not it as a fact can be a lot more inviting with other people. And then another tip is wait until both people are calm to talk things out. If you know you have to have a difficult discussion, Ask permission first. Make sure they're up for the task because if you start a conversation when the other person isn't ready, It usually explodes really fast. And then we're going to talk about identify and challenge some negative assumptions you might be having. What's an I statement? Here's some examples. I feel upset when you didn't respond to my text last night. Or you can reverse it if it feels more comfortable to say, When you didn't respond to my text last night, I felt disrespected. Another way to do that is, Here's how this felt to me. Again, This is a subjective statement and you're focusing much more on you than the other person. So I statements work because the behavior is described in a neutral way. Blaming the other person is avoided and you share your point of view, Which is going to help you get heard instead of trying to be right because that typically alienates the other person. Now, One thing to note is that when there's a history of trauma or abuse, You are more likely to assume the worst in a situation and assume that you're not going to be taken care of, Or you may have trust issues around certain people. That they're out to get you. I want you to really notice that because these negative assumptions make it really difficult to have healthy relationships and communicate directly. So some assumptions that create problems are they don't care about me or everyone else has more than I do or I'm always being treated unfairly. No one respects my opinions. I'm never going to be as good as so-and-so. So what I want you to do is I want you to identify what those assumptions are because we all have them and They're usually traced back to our childhood and those experiences that were really painful and unfinished. And I want you to challenge these assumptions as being untrue. Because most of the time they are. We're assuming negative intent when we really don't know for sure. And if you're too upset, I want you to take a timeout before checking out your assumption. And then come back and ask the other person, Can you just clarify what you meant by that? Because I really didn't understand. And often that will help you understand what their intentions actually are. And then your part is to be willing to listen. Don't assume negative intention because even when you know someone, I know it's hard to do, You don't know what their intention actually is. Alright, So let's talk about your communication. Are there times when you struggle to express yourself? Or do you avoid difficult discussions because you don't know how to say it? I want you to rate yourself 1 to 10. 1 is your communication is non-existent or really, Really problematic. Or 10 is it's amazing. And you're probably gonna be somewhere in the middle. All right, Let's go through the three questions. What do you want to stop doing when it comes to your communication? What do you want to start doing? And what do you want to continue to do? So you might want to stop blaming or criticizing others. Sometimes we don't even realize we're doing that, But that can be something that can improve our conversations a lot. Or using silence to avoid the conflict. Or getting defensive in the heat of the moment. Or not saying what you really mean, Being too vague or long-winded. Because a lot of times we lose the other person in conversation if we take too long to get to the point. Or maybe you're pretending everything's fine when you really need to admit that you feel heard. What do you want to start doing? Use more I and less you in your communication. That is going to make a huge difference. And that's going to also help you express your feelings more responsibly. Share opinions instead of being quiet. Sometimes the goal is to literally just speak your mind. Insert your two cents into a conversation. Conversation instead of going into the holidays feeling like you're invisible. Also, You can journal to vent intense emotions. That can be super helpful. Or maybe your goal is to become a better listener. So now, What do you want to continue doing? List those positive behaviors that you're already doing so you can acknowledge your progress. All right, Now we're going to talk about managing emotions. So this requires the ability to identify, Honor, And express your feelings without hurting you or the ones you love. So the first step is acknowledging emotions early because that is going to make them much easier to manage. Listen to what your body's trying to tell you because feelings need to be honored, Not judged, Because they're not right or they're not wrong. They're simply your experience. So some early signs of stress and anger that you might find easy to help you catch those is a rapid heart rate. Most people notice when they get anxious, Their heart rate increases, Or maybe they have clenched jaw or muscle tension in their shoulders and back area. Or maybe your stomach gets tight, You get a stomachache or headache, Or you struggle with a lot of negative thoughts and assumptions about others or even yourself. Or maybe you use substances to self-soothe like food, Sugar, Vaping, Cigarettes, Alcohol. Or maybe you tend to yell or swear a lot when you're upset. So challenges with managing emotions are really about denying how you really feel, Saying things that you really don't mean. Maybe you're blaming others for your own unhappiness or you stuff your feelings only to realize that you're building resentments. Maybe you're assuming the worst or you're not communicating clearly or respectfully. These are all really common challenges people have. So I want you to think about when it comes to managing emotions, Have there been times when you've lashed out or said hurtful things? What makes it hard for you to control these emotions? And again, I want you to rate yourself from one to ten. One is, I can't manage my emotions at all. Ten is, I'm amazing at it. It's no problem at all. So now we're going to go over the three questions. One, What do you want to stop doing? Maybe yelling at the ones you love. Oftentimes people come to me because they just want to stop doing that or saying hurtful things in the moment. Or maybe you use silent treatment because you don't know how to do a conflict or expressing yourself in a way that frightens or intimidates other people, And they're starting to avoid telling you things. Or stuffing your feelings until they leak out in passive-aggressive or hurtful ways. Now, What do you want to start doing? Do you want to recognize your feelings faster, Those early warning signs like rapid heartbeat? Or create a timeout plan to deal with your emotions, So you can take a break when you notice they're starting to pop up. Or remove yourself before you explode. That's really what a timeout helps you with the most. Some more focused support. Maybe you want to consider therapy or 12-step programs for more support or start journaling your feelings. Now, What do you want to continue to do? Again, These are the positive behaviors you're already doing, And I want you to acknowledge them because that is super important. All right, So what's next for you? I want you to take a minute and acknowledge your progress because this is what so many people have trouble doing. They do the work, But they don't want to acknowledge where they're at and do that as a form of self-love. So right now, I want you to think about how can you give yourself credit for showing up today? And I want you to do some writing around that. What areas do you already see progress in? And where can you practice being kinder to yourself this holiday season? You know, Maybe you're not going to set huge boundaries, But you can do baby boundaries or you can remove yourself. Even just being here doing this work is huge and I really, Really want you to acknowledge your progress because not everybody is doing this work. Thanks so much. Bye.