Shame Meditation For Men

A 20-minute guided meditation for men, about the hour after you lost your temper.
Most men think the problem is the anger. It isn't. Anger is a boundary being crossed. Something crossed a line and your body told you before your head caught up.
The part that actually costs you is the hour afterwards. You're not angry anymore, you're just ashamed, and you've got nowhere to put it.
So you get defensive, and by the time you walk back in it's somehow their fault. Or you go quiet and helpful and find something to fix. Or you leave for a few hours. Whatever yours is, it's not a character flaw. It's something you worked out a long time ago to make that feeling bearable, and it worked, which is why you still do it.
This doesn't go near the moment you snapped. It goes to the hour after, and stays there until you can sit in it without turning on yourself.
Because you can be the man who lost it and still stay in the room. Shame tells you to leave. Going back in is how you fix it.

Transcript

Take a seat. Or lie down. And gently let your eyes close. Take a slow, Deep breath in through the nose. And release slowly through the mouth. As you let your body relax. We're going to begin with the physiological side. Slow deep breath in through the nose. Sipped through the mouth. And then releasing with a sigh. We'll do this three times. Take a slow, Deep breath in through the nose. Zip Release. As we release the past. Take another slow breath in through the nose. Sip Release. As we release the future. Take one more slow, Deep breath in. Shit. Release. As we come into the present. Now just let yourself arrive. For the weight of your body. On whatever is underneath here. I want you to think of a time recently where you snapped at someone. It doesn't have to be a big one. You might have grown cold on them. Or being short. Or said something you wouldn't normally say. Could have been this week. It doesn't matter when. Just find a moment. And hold it there. Now I don't want you in the moment itself. We're not going there. And what came after. He'd walked out. Or he'd gone quiet. It slammed the door behind you. Maybe he sat in the car for a bit. Maybe you stood in the kitchen. The anger had gone by then. But something else had taken its place. And that's the bit I want you to find. Just from remembering it. Notice where that uncomfortability sits in your body. It might be your chest. The stomach. Maybe you're through. Even somewhere behind your face. I don't want you to try to move it. Just find where it is. Most men think the problem is the anger. Anger is information. It's a boundary being crossed. Something crossed a line and your body told you about it before your head caught up. But the part that actually costs you is the hour afterwards. You're not angry anymore. You're just ashamed. And you've got nowhere to put it. So stay with that feeling. And notice what you normally do with it. Because you do something. Everybody does. Some men get defensive. By the time they walk in. It's somehow the other person's fault. Some go very quiet. Very helpful, And then find something to fix around the house. Some just leave and stay gone for a few hours. And every one of those things makes it worse for the person who snapped her. Whatever yours is, It's not a character flaw. It's something you worked out a long time ago to make that feeling bearable. And it worked. That's why you still do it. Breathe into whatever you're holding. Let the breath move to water. As you exhale. Just allow yourself to soften just a bit. And while you're breathing into it. Something might come up. Hate behind the eyes. A tightness in your throat. Or something you weren't expecting. That's good. If it's coming up. It's coming up because it's ready to. So don't fight it. Don't analyze it. Don't try to work out where it came from. Just breathe through it. You can't think your way through this one. You have to feel it. You can be the man who lost it and still stay in the room. Shame tells you to leave. It tells you to defend yourself. Was he good or solid? Or to make it about them. But if you can sit in this feeling. Without turning on yourself. You can go back in. And going back in is how you fix it. So just sit in it now. Nothing to fix. Don't rehearse an apology. And don't work out what you're going to say. Just be the man who snapped. With nothing to do about it. Start to come back. Let your breath deepen on its own. As you feel the weight of your body again. Now from here. Not from the shame. There's a difference and your body can feel it. Shame says I'm a bad man. And a bad man has to defend himself. Or disappear. Or make it someone else's. Ownership is different. Ownership says, I did that. And that was mine. And it doesn't matter what they did first. They might have been pushing you for weeks. And that's a real conversation you can have another day. But your energy in that moment was yours. Nobody put it there. And nobody else was holding it for you. Them pushing you explains why you snapped. But it doesn't make it that fault that you did. Who didn't hold it. I have a terrible mind. What they made me. I didn't hold it. And that's my responsibility. Notice you can say that now without falling apart. You couldn't have said that in the car. The shame is too loud. And you have to had to get away from it. That's what this meditation was for. Take a slow, Deep breath in. And release. Take one more slow, Deep breath in. And release. And bring some gentle movement back to your body. Your fingers. Your toes. Slowly roll your shoulders. Some gentle movement to your head. And have a stretch if your body wants. And when you're ready. You can slowly open your eyes. And there's someone you may need to apologize to. And you already know who that is. You don't need a speech. You just need to say sorry and mean it. And then stay in the room afterwards.