Hello all,
Welcome to today's lesson for Why do we keep repeating the same relationship patterns?
Today we learn understanding the patterns through real life experiences,
Why these patterns keep repeating in our life even though we don't want it.
I will guide you a small reflection exercise and I will also guide you on some integration time so you can take the practical tools to apply in our daily life.
So let's get started.
Have you ever noticed that certain experiences seem to keep repeating themselves in your relationships?
Perhaps you find yourself,
You give too much,
Always trying to make others happy,
Pleasing others,
But eventually feeling unappreciated.
Or maybe you notice that whenever someone gets emotionally close to you,
Something inside you wants to pull away,
Like a pull and push pattern inside us.
So different people,
Different circumstances,
Yet somehow the same familiar experiences.
So the question is,
Why does this really happen?
Today I would like to explore that how our past experiences and unconscious beliefs can influence the way we relate to others.
We'll look at two,
You can say,
Real-day examples to understand more,
Probably,
At a later stage.
Not at the deeper level but more like a common example and explore why this pattern repeats and finish with a short guided meditation.
Because sometimes the patterns we need to understand are not only in the people we meet,
But also in the ways we have learned to relate.
That's the most important thing.
So let's take an example to understand.
The first example I will take would be,
Let's begin with,
Let's say,
A woman,
A lady named Joanna.
Jonah has been in a relationship with Andrew for almost two years.
On Friday evening they plan to spend some time together and Jonah has been looking forward to meet with Andrew for the whole week.
She was excited.
But that afternoon,
Andrew sends her a message.
Hey,
I'm really sorry.
I'm exhausted from work.
Can we meet tomorrow instead?
Now Joanna feels disappointed,
But.
.
.
Rather than expressing how she feels she replies of course no problem get some rest so she can't suppress her real feelings yeah and she just kind of you know to please Andrew and say everything is okay she sends this message so on the surface everything seems fine but inside Joanna something very different is happening she begins thinking Why I'm never a priority?
I always make time for him,
He never makes time for me.
Maybe he doesn't care about me as much as I care about him.
Maybe I love him more than he loves me.
So she feels hurt,
Rejected and feels unimportant at some level.
Yet when Andrew calls her later that evening,
Asks if everything is okay,
She says,
Yes,
Everything is fine.
But she's distant and her response are very short because she's withdrawing her connection with him.
Andrew Sen says something is wrong,
But he doesn't understand what happened.
And Joanna becomes more upset because she thinks he should already know that.
So now here's something interesting.
Joanna genuinely wants to feel loved and appreciated and connected with Andrew.
But she has learned.
To avoid expressing.
Disappointment.
Because she is afraid of creating conflict.
She believes that being understanding and always agreeing and accommodating will help her maintain love with Andrew.
So she says.
Yes,
When she wants to say no.
And it also depends on our cultural conditioning,
Of course.
We want to say honestly yes,
But in order to please others and just to be one in relationship with others,
We say no.
So she says she's fine when she's hurt.
And then she feels resentful when others don't recognize her needs.
Perhaps growing up,
Joanna learned that being agreeable with broad appreciation while expressing disagreement creates conflict.
And over time she developed a belief,
I will keep everyone happy,
I will be loved.
And this is a very common belief.
Challenging problem.
I'm not sure about you,
But in families,
Especially,
Let's say,
A female figure,
We try to have more harmony in the house in order to make more like a loving atmosphere.
At a deeper level,
Sometimes we suppress our inner conflicts,
Right?
So now this doesn't mean that Andrew was necessarily right to cancel their plans.
We're not going there.
Perhaps he frequently cancels and Joanna has a legitimate concern.
But Joanna's pattern is not simply being disappointed.
It's hiding her disappointment.
Expecting the other person to understand and then feeling increasingly hurt when they don't,
Right?
And when she has experienced this before,
Different patterns,
Different situations,
But the same familiar emotional experience,
It becomes like a habitual pattern in the relationship.
So this was,
Let's say,
One example,
A real life example.
We can take the other example as well,
Just to understand why these patterns keep repeating in our life.
So let's say another person Tom has recently started dating,
Let's say,
Someone named Sarah,
Okay?
And at first,
Everything feels wonderful.
They enjoy spending the time together,
Laughing,
Having a meaningful conversation and getting to know each other.
But after a few months,
Sarah begins wanting a deeper emotional connection with Tom.
One evening she says,
Tom,
I really enjoy being with you,
But sometimes I feel like you keep me at a distance.
I would love us to talk more openly about how we are feeling.
And Sarah isn't attacking him,
She's just opening a space for them to have a conversation,
Right?
So she's expressing a desire.
For greater emotional intimacy.
But something happens inside Tom.
He feels uncomfortable He feels,
He begins thinking,
Why does everything have to be so serious?
So her kind of more inner realm begins to tighten,
And he feels some tension.
Some tension in the body,
In the chest,
In the face,
In the body.
So.
.
.
He begins thinking that why can't we just enjoy what we have and she's expecting too much from me.
Instead of sharing his discomfort,
Tom becomes defensive.
He says,
Nothing is wrong.
You're overthinking everything,
Yeah?
So,
And then Sarah feels dismissed.
She tries to explain herself,
But Tom increasingly gets frustrated.
Eventually,
He says he needs some space.
And over the next few days he becomes less available,
He takes longer time to respond to messages.
And avoid making plans with Sarah.
Now Sarah becomes anxious and begins reaching out more often.
So the more she reaches out,
The more Tom feels pressure.
The more Tom withdraws,
The more disconnected Sarah feels.
Eventually,
The relationship becomes painful for both of them.
Tom tells himself,
Maybe we're not just compatible,
And perhaps they aren't.
But there is something Tom may not recognize.
Whenever a relationship begins requiring emotional vulnerability,
He experiences it as a sign of pressure.
Perhaps earlier in his life,
Opening up emotionally led to criticism,
Disappointment,
Or feeling of losing control.
Perhaps he didn't have a safe space to express his emotions.
And so he learned to protect himself by creating distance.
That's the best example.
Thing he could do as probably as a child,
Right?
Even when he genuinely cares about someone,
In this case Sarah,
That protective response can appear automatically.
So notice the difference between John and Tom.
Joana fears losing connection,
So she hides her needs to preserve it.
And Tom feels threatened by emotional closeness,
So he creates distance to protect himself.
So both are trying to feel safe,
Both want love,
But their unconscious responses,
The autopilot mode,
Can contribute to the very difficulties they experience.
And that's why we keep repeating the same patterns.
Perhaps we change the partner,
We change the countries,
But this pattern tends to carry over in our relationship.
This is the example I want to share for us,
Just to have an understanding.
So the question is,
The main question is,
Why these patents keep repeating?
So why do we continue repeating the same patterns and behavior that causes or sometimes causes us pain?
One reason is that our mind tends to return to what feels familiar.
Throughout our life,
We develop beliefs about ourselves,
About others,
And about what love means.
Sometimes these beliefs develop through childhood experiences,
Some through previous relationships,
Or difficult emotional experiences.
But over time,
They influence how we interpret situations.
And how we respond.
Many of these responses become autopilot.
For Joanna,
Disappointment activates a fear of conflict or rejection.
For Tom,
Emotional closeness activates a fear of vulnerability or losing his independence.
Neither Necessary chooses their reactions consciously,
Of course.
They are responding through patterns they have practiced for years.
But here's something important.
Recognizing our patterns doesn't mean blaming ourselves for everything that happens in a relationship.
Other people are responsible for their own actions too,
For sure.
And sometimes setting boundaries or living an unhealthy situation is the most conscious choice we can make.
So the purpose of self-awareness is not to accept mistreatment,
Right?
It is to recognize the part of our experience that we can understand and influence.
So let's return to Jonah for a moment.
Imagine that next time Andrew cancels their plans of meeting together for that night.
Chihuahua notices her disappointment and instead of hiding she pauses.
She just pauses,
Observes her feelings,
Connects to her feelings that she is feeling disappointed.
And she recognized her familiar fear of creating conflict.
And she says,
And she says to Andrew,
I understand you're tired.
I was really looking forward to seeing you.
So I do feel disappointed.
Can we make sure we spend some time together tomorrow?
So in this way of making a conscious choice,
She is acknowledging her real self.
Feelings which is disappointment but she's also kind of changing the pattern by coming with a kind of,
Not a solution,
But more like a proactive approach to having conscious relationship,
Acknowledging the disappointment and kind of focusing on what she really wants.
That in this case,
She recognizes a disappointment and what she really wants from Andrew is a connection.
So she gets kind of a more conscious choice to get the intimacy at a deeper level.
So something has changed,
Right?
So John is still being understanding,
But she's also honest with herself.
So she isn't expecting Andrew to read her mind.
She's communicating her feelings and needs,
Right?
And this is where transformation begins,
Not necessary by changing.
The other person but by becoming aware of our own automatic response and discovering that You may have another choice and this is the whole intention of creating a conscious loving relationship.
To create,
To break the patterns and create more new patterns for a healthy relationship.
So this is the intention of today's lesson and now I'm going to guide you a small reflection This reflection's intention is to go deeper inside you and understand a little bit about your own patterns.
When you're ready,
I'd like to invite you to take a moment to reflect on your own relationships.
If you feel safe and comfortable where you are,
Gently close your eyes.
And simply soften your body.
It's locked in your mind.
Take a full,
Slow,
Deep breath.
Inhale.
Exit,
Let go Let's do one more time to soften.
Take a deep inhale through the nose.
And exhale to the mouth.
Something it has as you soften Think about your relationships.
Romantic relationships,
Friendships or even family relationships.
Perhaps you recognize something of yourself.
In Joanna or Tom inside him.
Or perhaps your experience is completely different.
Now gently ask yourself.
What familiar situation keeps repeating in my relationship?
And when this situation happens.
How do I usually react?
Do I become defensive?
Do I withdraw?
Do I try to please others?
Control.
Or seek validation.
Now consider One final question.
What could I choose to do differently?
The next time this situation arises,
What different choice,
Action,
Communication I can take?
The next time this situation arises.
There is no need.
To force an answer or judge yourself.
Simply noticing a familiar pattern is already a step.
Towards becoming more conscious.
Take a deep,
Gentle breath.
Once again,
Inhale.
Exhale,
Let go.
And when you feel comfortable,
You can gently open your eyes.
Thank you for having that gentle moment of self-reflection.
So as we come to the end of the session,
I would like to leave you with one simple thought.
We cannot always control what happens in our relationship or how other people behave,
But we can begin to recognize the patterns we bring into them.
So the next time you find yourself experiencing a familiar pattern or emotional reaction,
Pause for a moment.
Notice how you're feeling.
Acknowledge that feeling,
Which could be disappointment,
Hurt,
Rejection,
Abandonment,
Whatever that feeling could be.
And notice how you're responding.
This is the only two tools I would like to take for you in your daily life as a practice.
Notice how you feeling or what are you feeling and notice how you are responding and then ask yourself whether there might be another way,
Whether there might be another possibility.
Because awareness gives us the possibility of making different choices.
And the awareness comes when we kind of have a self-reflection and ask our You can say I want a higher self,
And awareness is a tool for that.
And sometimes the first step towards experiencing a different relationship is learning to relate them differently ourselves.
So this is a part of having or developing a healthy relationship that how can I relate myself differently so I can have a healthy relationship with others.
So in saying that,
Thank you for taking the time to reflect with me and I will see you next time.
