So welcome everyone,
And thank you,
Thank you for listening.
So you've read all the books,
You've done your journaling,
You've had your insights,
And maybe you've been in therapy,
Very good therapy,
And you understand all your patterns.
You can trace them back to your childhood,
You are extremely self-aware,
You can name the wound,
You can explain in very impressive detail exactly why you are the way you are,
And yet,
You still get triggered by the same things.
Your body still tenses in the same situations,
You still feel that familiar anxiety,
That familiar shutdown,
That familiar knot in your stomach,
Even though you know better.
And if that's you,
Welcome,
Let's explore this together.
Because today I want to explain why that happens,
From my understanding,
Why knowing isn't the same as healing,
And why you can understand something perfectly and still feel stuck.
And more importantly,
What might actually work instead.
Now,
Spoiler alert,
It involves your body,
And for those of you that are thinking,
Not the body stuff,
Just stay with me.
I promise to make this as painless as possible,
And maybe even a little bit of fun.
So let's start with this question.
Somewhere along the line,
We got this idea that the mind and body are two separate things.
The mind is the thinking part,
The rational part,
And the body was just a vehicle for carrying the brain around.
I think,
Therefore I am.
You may have heard this before.
Now that's very helpful.
And we thank the French philosopher who came up with this,
This idea that we are essentially brains piloting the body has shaped most of our culture ever since.
It's why we value thinking over feeling,
Why we trust logic over intuition,
And why when we were struggling emotionally,
Our first instinct is to try and think our way out.
If I can just understand why I feel this way,
I'll be able to stop feeling it.
If I can identify the root cause,
I'll be free.
If I can analyze it enough,
Figure it out,
Get to the bottom of it,
Then I'll finally heal.
Now here's the thing.
This approach works brilliantly for some problems.
If your car breaks down,
Thinking is exactly what you need.
Diagnose the issue,
Find the solution,
Fix the car.
Logic for the win.
But trauma isn't a car.
Your nervous system is not a machine.
And the parts of your brain that hold traumatic memories,
They really don't speak or understand the language of logic.
Now let's talk about your nervous system.
And I'm not going to get too technical,
And there's no exam at the end,
I promise.
Your nervous system is basically the communication network of your body.
It's constantly receiving information from the world,
Through your senses,
Through your environment,
Through other people,
And then it's deciding how to respond.
And here is the crucial part.
Most of this happens below conscious awareness.
Before you think,
Before you choose,
Your nervous system has already assessed the situation and it has already started responding.
So this is actually a feature,
Not a bug.
If a car is speeding towards you,
You don't want to have to consciously think,
Hmm,
That appears to be a vehicle traveling at a high velocity in my direction.
Perhaps I should consider relocating my physical form.
So you'd be toast very,
Very fast,
Literally.
So no,
Your nervous system sees the threat and moves you before you've even registered what's happening.
And that is survival.
That's the system working exactly as it should.
The problem is,
The same system can't always tell the difference between a speeding car and your mother-in-law's tone of voice.
Now there's a brilliant neuroscientist called Dr.
Steven,
Who developed something called the polyvagal theory.
And now polyvagal sounds complicated,
But it really just refers to your vagus nerve.
And to simplify this,
This long wandering nerve that connects your brain to most of your major organs.
And vagus actually means the wanderer in Latin.
So think of this as your body's nerve,
Which is traveling around and just checking in on everything.
So what Steven discovered is that our nervous system doesn't just have an on switch and an off switch.
It is a little bit more sophisticated than that.
So he identified three main states,
Or you could think of them as three different modes your system can be in.
And let me walk you through them,
Because this can be life-changing stuff when you get it.
I will keep it very simple.
The first state,
Safe and social.
When your nervous system feels safe,
You are in what's called the ventral vagal state.
And this is the good stuff.
You feel calm,
But alert,
Connected,
Open,
Present.
In this state,
You can think clearly.
You can connect with others.
You can be creative,
Playful,
Curious.
Your digestion works properly.
Your immune system functions well.
You can rest and recover.
And this is where we are designed to spend most of our time.
But for many of us,
Especially those who've experienced trauma,
This state can feel unfamiliar and even uncomfortable.
Now the second state is what we call fight or flight.
Now when your nervous system detects a threat,
It kicks into what's called the sympathetic state.
And this is your fight or flight response.
Your heart rate goes up.
Your breathing gets faster and shallower.
Blood rushes to your arms and your legs,
Ready to fight the threat or run away from it.
Stress hormones flood your system.
And this is brilliant if you're being chased by a bear.
And it's less helpful if you're sitting in a meeting and your boss makes a comment that may remind you of your critical father.
Your body literally doesn't know the difference.
Threat is a threat and it is going to respond accordingly.
When you're in fight or flight,
You might feel anxious,
Irritable,
Restless,
On the edge.
Your mind races.
You can't settle.
And you might snap at people or sometimes feel the urge to escape.
Now the third state is the freeze or the shutdown state.
Now this is where it gets very interesting.
If the threat is overwhelming,
If your nervous system decides that it can't fight and you cannot flee,
It has one more option.
Freeze.
Now this is called dorsal vagal state.
Your system basically pulls the emergency brake.
Everything slows down.
You might feel numb,
Disconnected,
Foggy,
Exhausted.
Like you're watching life from behind the glass.
Now some people describe it as not being in their body and others describe it as heaviness.
Like they can't move even if they wanted to.
Now this is actually an ancient survival mechanism.
Think of an animal playing dead when a predator catches it.
Sometimes the safest thing to do is to disappear,
To shut down and to become invisible.
The problem is some of us get stuck here.
We learnt in childhood that the world wasn't safe,
That we couldn't fight back and we couldn't escape so we froze and that part of us never fully came out of freeze.
Now I should mention a fourth response that trauma therapists or so-called trauma therapists often talk about.
The fawn response.
Now this is when instead of fighting,
Fleeing or freezing,
You try to appease the threat.
You become extra nice,
Extra helpful,
Extra accommodating.
You abandon your own needs to keep the peace.
So if you grew up with an unpredictable or volatile caregiver,
This might have been your survival strategy.
If I am good enough,
Maybe they won't hurt me,
Maybe they'll love me.
If I am good enough,
Maybe they won't hurt me,
Maybe they'll love me.
And for any people pleasers that are listening,
This one is for you.
That pattern that drives you crazy,
The one where you say yes when you mean no,
Where you twist yourself into pretzels and make other people uncomfortable.
And that's not a character flaw,
That's a survival adaptation.
Your nervous system learnt that the safest thing to do was to make yourself useful,
Agreeable and unthreatening.
And it worked.
It kept your body safe.
It's just not serving you anymore.
Now here is the key thing to understand in all of this.
The shift between states,
The decision to fight or flee or freeze or fawn happens below conscious awareness.
Now this is called neuroception.
So it's kind of an unconscious perception.
Your nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety and danger and making split-second decisions about how to respond.
This happens through tiny signals,
The tone of someone's voice,
Their facial expressions,
Their body language,
The feel of a room,
Maybe a smell,
Maybe a sound.
Your conscious mind might not register any threat at all,
But your body does.
And it responds before you have any say in the matter.
Now this is why you can be at a perfectly nice dinner party and suddenly feel anxious for no apparent reason.
This is why a certain song can make you feel sad even if you can't remember why.
This is why you can meet someone and instantly feel unsafe around them,
Even though they haven't done anything wrong.
Your body is picking up on something.
Your mind hasn't quite clocked.
And here's the really important bit.
Your body might be wrong.
If you grew up in an unsafe environment,
Your neuroception got calibrated to a dangerous world.
Your system may have learned to see threats everywhere,
Because back then,
Threat was everywhere.
But you're not there anymore.
The danger has passed.
And yet your body hasn't got the memo just yet.
So now we can understand why knowing isn't the same as healing.
The parts of your brain that process trauma,
The limbic system,
The brainstem,
They don't speak the language of logic and insight.
They speak the language of sensation,
Of feeling,
And of a body-based experience.
You can tell yourself,
I am safe now,
A thousand times.
But if your body doesn't feel safe,
Nothing will change.
You can understand intellectually that your father's criticism was about his own wounds,
Not about you.
But when someone raises your voice,
Your stomach still clenches every time.
You can know with absolute certainty that you're worthy of love.
But when someone gets close,
Your body still wants to run.
This is not failure.
This is not you being broken or stupid or bad at healing.
This is just how the nervous system works.
The body has its own timeline,
And that timeline doesn't care about your insights.
And I'll say this again.
The body has its own timeline,
And that timeline doesn't care about your insights.
So it's frustrating,
Isn't it?
You do all this work,
Read all these expensive books,
Have all these breakthroughs,
And your nervous system is just like,
Cool story bro,
I'm still going to panic when you see a text from your ex.
So what actually helps?
Now,
There is a very famous book.
It's even a quote.
Most of you,
If not all of you,
May have heard of this phrase.
The body keeps the score.
And it's a brilliant exploration of how trauma lives in the body,
And not just in the mind.
And the title says it all,
Really.
The body does keep the score.
Every experience you've ever had,
Especially the ones that were overwhelming,
Ones that were too much to process at the time,
They get recorded in your body.
In your muscles,
In your tissues,
In your nervous system,
And in a way you hold yourself,
The way you breathe even,
And the tension that you carry.
So trauma isn't just a memory,
It's physiology.
It's a pattern of activation in your nervous system that keeps looping,
Because it never,
Ever,
Ever got to complete.
Now,
Let me explain what I mean by complete.
Now,
Think about an animal in the wild.
A gazelle is chased by a lion,
But manages to escape.
What does it do then?
It shakes,
It trembles,
Its whole body literally shakes off survival energy that was mobilized for the chase.
And then,
This is the important part,
It goes back to grazing,
Back to normal,
The event is complete,
The charge has been discharged,
And the nervous system has reset once again.
Now humans don't do this.
We override the shaking,
We push down the tears,
We hold it together,
And we tell ourselves to be strong and move on.
And apparently,
Shaking and crying in the middle of the office is unprofessional.
So the energy stays trapped,
The survival response never completes,
And the body stays braced,
Waiting for a threat that on some level it still believes is coming.
Now this is possibly why years later,
Decades later,
You can still feel the same old fear,
Same old tension,
The same old shutdown.
The event is over,
But your body doesn't know that yet.
So if you're thinking that what actually works,
If thinking your way out of stuff doesn't work,
Then what does?
Now this is where somatic healing,
Somatic therapy comes in.
Somatic just means off the body,
And somatic approaches work with the body,
Not just the mind.
Instead of trying to think your way into healing,
You can learn to feel your way there.
And I know that might sound a bit woo-woo,
But there is solid science behind this now.
We know now that the body can release trauma,
That those incomplete survival responses can finally complete when we create the right conditions.
And that's key.
Those conditions are pretty simple actually.
They come down to just two things,
Safety and awareness.
Now safety first.
Your nervous system will not let go of its protective patterns until it feels safe enough to do so.
This is non-negotiable.
You can't force release,
You can't push through,
You can't positive think your way.
There's a reason for that.
Because these responses kept you alive at some point.
So the first step is always to build safety in your external environment,
In your relationships,
In your own body.
This is why co-regulation is so powerful.
See,
Being in the presence of another calm,
Grounded human whose nervous system signals safety to yours,
Your body borrows their regulation and it learns,
Oh this person is not panicking,
Maybe I don't need to panic either.
And the second one,
Awareness.
Once safety is established,
The next step is gentle awareness.
Not analyzing,
Not figuring out,
Just noticing.
What sensations are present in your body?
Where is the tension?
Where is the numbness?
What's the texture?
What's the temperature?
And what's the quality of what you're feeling?
Now this is also called somatic tracking or interception.
It simply means the practice of tuning into your internal landscape.
And here is the magic.
When you bring kind,
Curious attention to a sensation without trying to fix it or get rid of it,
It often shifts on its own.
The body releases what it's been holding when it finally gets witnessed.
Sometimes it looks like shaking,
Sometimes tears,
Sometimes heat,
Sometimes tingling,
Sometimes a breath,
Sometimes nothing happens for a while.
So everyone's body has its own way of letting go.
You don't have to understand it,
You don't have to compare what's happening to you with others and you just have to be with it and trust the process.
Now there is one more concept I want to share with you because it's also very useful.
It's called the window of tolerance.
Now imagine a window,
A zone where you can feel your feelings without being overwhelmed by them.
Where you can be present with difficult sensations without shutting down or spiraling into panic.
When you are inside your window of tolerance,
You can process,
You can heal and you can be with what is.
And whenever you're outside it,
You're either hyper-aroused which is anxious,
Panicky,
Overwhelmed or hypo-aroused which means shut down,
Numb and disconnected.
You cannot process.
Your system is in survival mode and no healing happens outside your window of tolerance.
So the goal of somatic work is not to force yourself to feel things you're not ready to feel,
But rather to very gently expand your window of tolerance.
To build capacity to be with more without flooding and without shutting down.
And remember this happens slowly,
Layer by layer,
Breath by breath,
A little bit at a time.
I'm really sorry to disappoint anyone hoping for a quick fix.
The nervous system doesn't do quick fixes.
It does slow,
Patient and consistent rewiring which may be less sexy but far more effective.
So what does all this mean for you?
If you've been beating yourself up for not being over it by now,
Please stop.
Your body is not broken.
It's not doing anything wrong.
It's doing exactly what it was designed to do,
Which is to protect you.
If you've been frustrated that all your insights,
All your knowledge of the nervous system,
All the books you've read haven't translated into any change,
That makes complete sense.
Because you may have been working with just one part of the system while ignoring the other.
If you felt like something was wrong with you just because you can't just get over it,
There is nothing wrong with you.
You just haven't had the right map.
Healing isn't about thinking harder.
It's about learning to inhabit your body with more safety,
More compassion and more presence.
It's about befriending your nervous system instead of fighting it.
It's about creating conditions where your body can finally do what it's been trying to do all along.
Release what it's been carrying and return to the baseline.
It takes time,
Patience,
A lot of gentleness,
But it's possible.
I see it happen every day.
Now if any of this is resonating with you,
I'd like to invite you into a very very small exploration.
And remember,
This is not about fixing anything.
It's not about achieving a particular state.
It's simply about just being with your body.
Maybe in a slightly different way than usual.
You can do this with your eyes open,
Eyes closed,
Whatever feels comfortable for you.
Now,
Just let my words guide you.
Start by noticing where you are,
Wherever you are.
Space around you,
The sounds,
The temperature of the air.
You don't have to change anything.
Just notice.
Just notice.
Just notice.
Now bring your attention to your body.
Notice the weight of it.
Notice the places where it makes contact with whatever is supporting you right now.
The chair,
The floor,
The bed,
The mat.
Can you feel gravity holding you?
Can you let yourself be held?
Notice your feet.
Even if you can't see them,
You know that they're there.
What sensations are present in your feet right now?
Temperature,
Tingling,
Heaviness,
Numbness.
Whatever is there,
Just notice it.
And your legs,
Your thighs,
And your hips.
Is there tension there?
Softness there?
Stillness there?
No need to change it.
No need to judge it.
Just noticing.
Now your belly.
This area can hold a lot for many of us.
If you're comfortable,
Place your hand there if you'd like.
Just resting,
Letting your belly know it's being attended to.
Notice if there's a tightness.
Butterflies,
A knot.
Or maybe softness,
Warmth,
Space.
Whatever is there is okay.
Your chest and your heart area.
If you'd like,
You can place your other hand there now.
One hand on the belly,
One hand on the heart.
A simple gesture of self-connection.
What is happening in your chest right now?
Is it open?
Guarded?
Tight?
Or expansive?
Just notice it.
Just be with it.
Now your shoulders,
Your neck,
And your jaw.
Now these areas often carry tension.
The weight of the world,
The things we don't say.
You don't have to release anything.
But if something wants to soften,
Let it.
If a breath wants to come,
Let it come.
Now zoom out for me.
Feel your whole body at once.
This body that has carried you through everything.
Every hard day,
Every sleepless night,
Every moment you thought you could survive and you did.
This body that has been doing its best to protect you even when it got it wrong.
Even when its strategy stopped helping and started hurting.
It was only ever trying to keep you safe.
If it feels right for you,
You might offer your body some acknowledgement,
Some compassion.
Not because you should.
Your body has been carrying so much and it's still here.
You are still here.
And now,
Gently begin to return.
Wiggle your fingers.
Wiggle your toes.
Take a deeper breath if you want.
If your eyes were closed,
Let them open when they're ready.
Come back to the room.
Come back to the now.
Now,
If there's anything that resonated from this talk with you today,
You can reflect on that in your own journey.
You can't think your way out of trauma,
But you can feel your way through it.
Not all at once,
Not by force,
But slowly,
Patiently,
One moment of presence.
At a time.
Your body knows how to heal.
It's just been waiting for you to give it the conditions that it needs.
Safety,
Awareness,
Compassion,
And time.
So,
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for listening.
And thank you just for being willing to try a different way.
So,
Go gently.
And until next time,
Namaste.
