Beyond The Inner Child: Healing Your Wounded Teenager

Everyone does inner child work. Almost no one addresses the wounded teenager.

This guided meditation explores the completely overlooked developmental stage in healing: adolescence—ages 12-18, when identity forms, when your body changes dramatically, when you figure out (or fail to figure out) who you are.

Your teenage wounds are still active. They're shaping your adult life in ways you might not realize.

You'll explore seven core adolescent wounds:

• Body shame and the puberty wound—when you learned your body was "wrong"
• Social rejection and the belonging wound—bullying, exclusion, not fitting in
• Sexual shame—early experiences, desire shamed, orientation confused
• Identity confusion—who am I? (interrupted by family, shame, or survival)
• Performance pressure—worth tied to achievement, grades, being "the best"
• Family conflict during separation—guilt for growing up, or being pushed out too soon

Transcript

So welcome everyone and thank you for listening.

So everyone talks about healing your inner child,

The little one,

The three year old,

The five year old and the seven year old who didn't get their needs met and that work is extremely important,

Essential even.

But there may be another part of you that's still hurting,

Still hiding or still carrying the wounds that nobody talks about.

Your teenager,

That 13 year old who felt like an alien in their own body,

That 15 year old who was convinced they were fundamentally wrong and that 17 year old who was so lonely they thought they might disappear.

We do all this inner child work and we skip right over adolescence,

We act like wounds stopped at age 10 and picked back up at adulthood.

But some of your deepest shame,

Your most painful experiences and your most formative drama happened when you were a teenager.

Today we are going to do something most healing work completely misses.

We are going to turn inward to your teenage self,

Not the cute little kid everyone wants to protect,

The awkward,

Struggling,

Confused teenager that even you might not want to look at.

But here's what I've realised and known from my own work.

Teenage wounds are still active,

They may still be running your life.

The shame you felt at 14 is still in your body at 34 or 44 or 54.

The rejection you experienced at 16 might still be influencing how you show up in relationships today.

And unlike your younger inner child,

Your teenager has language,

Has memory,

Has stories that are probably still so painful you've never told anyone about them.

So get comfortable,

We are going to go back to a time in your life that you might have been trying to forget and we are going to offer that teenager something they desperately needed but probably never got.

To be seen without judgement,

To be held without shame and told that what they were going through was real,

Hard and it was not their fault.

So why we skip over teenage wounds and why that's a problem?

Let me start by acknowledging something.

There's a reason we focus on early childhood in healing work.

Those foundational years,

Ages 0 to 7,

Some people would say 0 to 8,

Are when our attachment patterns form,

When we learn whether the world is safe,

When our nervous system gets wired.

And that's crucial work.

But here's what gets lost.

Adolescence is the second most formative developmental stage of your entire life and it's when your identity forms,

When your sense of self solidifies and when you figure out who you are separate from your family or fail to and you carry that confusion in your adulthood.

And yet we skip right over it in the most therapeutic and healing modalities.

Why?

Partly because teenage experiences feel less serious than childhood trauma.

You were older,

You had language.

You could defend yourself supposedly.

So the bullying,

The rejection,

The shame,

We minimize it.

Oh,

Everyone had a hard time as a teenager.

Partly because we ourselves don't want to go back there.

Most people would rather think about themselves as a little kid than to face who they were when they were 14.

The awkwardness,

The gringe,

The pain,

It's easier to skip over all that.

And partly because family systems often dismisses teenage struggles.

Oh,

They're just going through a phase.

It's just hormones.

They're being dramatic.

So your pain wasn't taken seriously then and you learn not to take it seriously now.

But from a somatic and developmental perspective,

What happens in your teenage years is profound.

Your body changes dramatically.

Puberty revives you physically,

Neurologically,

Hormonally.

And your brain is undergoing massive reconstruction.

Particularly in the prefrontal cortex and your limbic system.

You're literally becoming a different person now.

And physiologically,

You're in what developmental theorists call identity formation.

You're trying to answer these questions.

Who am I?

Do I belong?

Am I okay?

And these are not small questions.

They shape your entire adult life.

So when something goes wrong during this time,

And for most of us,

A lot went wrong.

It doesn't just leave a mark.

It becomes a part of your identity.

Part of how you see yourself.

Part of what you believe is true about who you are.

So let me walk you through the most common,

Most painful wounds that happen during teenage years.

And just notice what resonates,

If anything resonates.

Notice where you feel something in your body.

Because these wounds don't just live in memory.

They also live in your nervous system,

Your posture,

And how you move through the world.

So first one,

The body shame and puberty wound.

For so many people,

The deepest body shame didn't start in childhood.

It started when you were a teenager.

When your body began changing in ways you couldn't control.

Maybe you developed early and suddenly got sexualized,

Stared at,

Commented on.

Your body all of a sudden became public property.

Something other people had opinions about.

Or maybe you developed late and felt left behind,

Inadequate,

Or like something was wrong with you.

Maybe you gained weight during puberty and learned to hate your body.

Maybe you got acne,

Felt ugly,

Unlovable.

Maybe your body just didn't look like the bodies you were told were acceptable.

And you may have internalized this message.

My body is wrong.

Now this is when many people learn to see their body as the enemy.

When the war with your own flesh begins.

And that teenager,

The one staring in the mirror with disgust,

Or hiding in oversized clothes,

Or refusing to be in photos.

That teenager is still inside of you.

Still believing your body is a problem to be fixed.

Now adolescence is also when social belonging becomes everything.

Not because teenagers are shallow,

But because connection is how you figure out how you are outside of your family.

It's a survival need.

And for many people,

This is when the most brutal rejection happened.

The bullying,

The exclusion.

Maybe there was a rumor that destroyed your reputation.

The friend group that turned on you.

The lunch table where there was no seat for you.

Maybe you were mocked for how you looked,

How you talked,

What you liked.

Maybe you were called names that you can still hear in your head today.

Maybe you tried so hard to fit in that you erased yourself completely and still didn't belong.

Or maybe the rejection was quieter.

Maybe you just didn't have friends.

You were lonely.

Invisible.

And you learned,

There's something about me that makes me unworthy of connection.

I don't belong.

And I'm on the outside.

Now that wound,

I don't belong wound,

It doesn't just go away because you're an adult.

Your teenage self is still carrying the belief that you're fundamentally unwanted.

Now another wound that deeply affects us,

Sexual shame and early experiences.

Now adolescence is when sexuality awakens.

And for so many people,

This is where some of the deepest shame lives.

Maybe your first sexual experiences were not even consensual.

Maybe they were pressured or confusing.

Maybe you said yes when you wanted to say no and you've carried guilt about that ever since.

Maybe you were shamed for having desire,

Called a slut,

Too much.

Or maybe you were shamed for not having a desire.

That you're not enough.

Either way you learned that sexuality was wrong.

Maybe you discovered that you were attracted to the wrong gender and you had to hide,

Lie,

Perform straightness while dying inside.

Maybe you didn't fit into any sexual category and felt broken,

Alone and confused.

Or maybe nothing traumatic happened.

But the messages that you absorbed from family,

Religion,

Media,

TV taught you that sex is dirty,

Shameful,

Dangerous.

That your body's natural responses are bad and that desire makes you wrong.

Your teenage self might still be carrying shame about desire and pleasure.

And that shows up in your adult relationships,

In your body,

In your ability or inability to experience intimacy without fear.

Now the central task of adolescence is identity formation,

Figuring out who you are.

And for many people this process was interrupted,

Distorted or shut down.

Maybe your family couldn't handle you becoming your own person and every time you tried to differentiate,

To have your own opinions,

Your own interests and your own path,

You were punished,

Shamed or pulled back.

So you learned that being myself is dangerous.

I have to stay small,

Stay acceptable and stay who they need me to be.

Or maybe you tried on different identities,

Different music,

Different clothes,

Different friend groups and you got mocked for it.

You are so fake.

Stop trying to be someone you're not.

But the truth may be you were just trying to figure out who you are and the ridicule taught you don't explore,

Don't experiment,

Stay in your box.

Maybe you never had the space to figure out who you were because you were too busy managing your family's needs or because depression or anxiety consumed you or you were just trying to survive.

And now as an adult,

You might still feel like you don't know who you are,

Like you're a performing version of yourself rather than actually being yourself because that teenager never got to complete the developmental task of becoming.

For some people,

Adolescence is when the pressure to achieve became unbearable,

When your worth became tied to grades,

Sports performance,

Getting into the right school or something else.

Maybe your parents' love felt conditional on your success.

Maybe you internalized the message,

If I'm not exceptional,

I'm worthless.

Maybe you burned yourself out trying to be perfect and the perfectionism is still running your life.

Or maybe you failed or felt like you failed and the shame of not living up to expectations has haunted you ever since.

The teenager who didn't get into their dream school,

Who quit the sport they were supposed to excel at,

Who was told they were wasting their potential,

That teenager is still trying to prove its worth.

From a family system's perspective,

Adolescence is where children are supposed to begin separating from the family.

It's a natural and healthy developmental process but many families experience this as threat,

Betrayal and loss.

Maybe every time you try to assert your independence,

Your family made you feel guilty.

After all that we have done for you,

You're breaking your mother's heart,

You're being so selfish.

So you learned,

My anatomy hurts people I love,

My independence hurts people I love and growing up means betrayal.

Or maybe the opposite happened,

You were pushed out too soon,

You were rejected for trying to still be a child,

You're too old for that,

Grow up,

You should be able to handle this yourself.

So you learned,

Maybe,

I'm on my own,

No one wants to take care of me anymore.

Either way,

The natural separation process got twisted and now as an adult,

You might struggle with boundaries,

With the guilt that comes up every time you choose yourself over others.

Now for many people,

Teenage is also when everyone's anxiety,

Mental health struggles,

Depression begin and often these struggles were dismissed as hormones or being dramatic.

Maybe you were genuinely suicidal,

Anxious,

Lonely but no one noticed.

Maybe you were self harming and it was treated as attention seeking.

Maybe you were having panic attacks and you were told to just calm down.

Maybe you were dissociating and you were just called spacey or lazy.

Your pain was real,

Your suffering was real but because you were a teenager it wasn't taken seriously.

And you might still carry the belief that your pain doesn't matter,

That you're being dramatic,

That you should just be able to handle things on your own.

So how your wounded teenager shows up in your adult life,

They're not just memories,

These wounds are active and they may be shaping how you live your life right now.

If your teenager was rejected,

Your adult self might struggle with deep fears of abandonment and you might people please to avoid rejection.

You might push people away before they can leave you.

You might never fully let anyone see you because the teenager in you is terrified of being mocked.

If your teenager was ashamed of their body,

Your adult self might still be at war with how you look.

You might avoid mirrors,

Photos,

Intimacy.

You might spend enormous energy trying to control your body,

Fix your body,

Hide your body even.

If your teenager was confused about identity,

Your adult self might still not know who you are.

You might change yourself depending on who you're with.

You might feel like you're an imposter in your own life.

If your teenager was pressured to perform,

Your adult self might be a perfectionist who can't rest.

You might have given up entirely,

Convinced that you'll never be good enough,

So why try?

If your teenager's sexuality was shamed,

Your adult self might still struggle with intimacy,

With pleasure,

With allowing yourself to want and be wanted.

The teenager doesn't go away.

They don't heal just because you get older.

They're still inside you,

Still hurting,

And still operating from those old wounds,

Those old beliefs,

And those old fears.

From a somatic perspective,

Childhood wounds have specific signatures in your body from your teenage years.

They show up differently than early childhood wounds because they happened at a different developmental stage.

Body shame from adolescence can live in your posture.

Shoulders rolled forward,

Chest collapsed,

Trying to take less space,

Hiding,

Or the opposite,

Rigid posture,

Holding yourself in constant tension,

And trying to look acceptable,

Perfect,

And controlled.

Social rejection wounds often show up in your throat and your chest.

The teenager who couldn't speak up,

Who was mocked for their voice,

Who learned that expressing themselves was dangerous.

That teenager left you with a tight throat,

Restricted breath,

And words you still can't say.

Sexual shame lives in your pelvis,

Your hips,

And your lower back.

Tightness,

Numbness,

Disconnection from that part of your body.

The teenager who learned that their sexuality was wrong is still holding that shame in your body,

Still bracing against desire,

Against pleasure,

And against being fully alive in their sexual self.

Identity confusion and performance pressure often show up as chronic tension in your shoulders and your jaw.

The weight of trying to be who you're supposed to be,

The grinding of pushing yourself beyond what's sustainable,

The exhaustion of performing rather than being.

And often,

Teenage wounds create a specific nervous system pattern hypervigilance about how you're being perceived.

The nervous system is constantly scanning.

Do I look okay?

Am I saying the right thing?

Are you judging me?

Do I belong?

Now that's your teenager.

He's still so terrified of rejection,

Still trying to get it right so they won't be hurt again.

Now here is what I want you to understand.

You can do all the inner child work in the world,

But if you don't turn in towards your teenage self,

You may be missing a huge piece of your healing.

Because your teenager holds your shame,

Your teenager holds your identity wounds,

Your teenager holds your social insecurity,

Your teenager holds your anxiety,

Your bodymate struggles your sexual shame,

Your fear and your rejection.

And until you actually meet that part of you with compassion,

Those wounds will still stay active.

The difference between healing your young child and healing your teenager is this.

Your young child needed safety,

Safety,

Acknowledgement,

Attunement,

And to know that never loved.

Your teenager needed something different.

Your teenager needed to be seen as they actually were,

Not as who the family needed them to be.

They needed their pain to be taken seriously.

They needed permission to be themselves,

Even if that was messy,

Confused and someone who was struggling.

Most of us never got that.

Our teenage pain was dismissed,

Minimized or even mocked.

And we learned to dismiss it ourselves.

I was just an awkward teenager.

Everyone goes through that phase.

But what if it actually mattered?

What if the 14-year-old who felt so alone needed someone?

Even the future you to come and say,

That was hard.

That was really hard.

And you weren't being dramatic.

You were struggling and you deserved support.

The 16-year-old who hated their body needed to hear,

Your body wasn't wrong.

The messages you got were wrong.

What if the 17-year-old who couldn't figure out who they were needed to hear,

It's okay that you didn't know.

It's okay that you were confused.

That's what you were supposed to be doing.

So that's what we're about to do now.

You're going to meet your teenage self,

Not to fix them,

Not to rush them through their pain,

But to finally give them what they didn't get back then.

To be witnessed,

To be taken seriously,

And to be told that their experience matters.

So let's meet your teenager.

Let's listen.

Just get comfortable.

You can sit,

And lie down.

Keep your eyes open,

And keep your eyes closed.

Whatever allows your body to feel safe and supported,

Just do that now.

And take a breath.

We're going to do something that might feel vulnerable.

We're going to go back in time to a time in your life you might have been trying to forget.

Not to re-traumatize you,

But to offer that younger version of you something they needed.

So first,

Let's ground in the present.

You are here now.

You're not a teenager anymore.

You have survived.

And whatever happened,

You've made it through.

Feel the surface beneath you.

Notice the temperature of the air.

This is now.

This is real.

And you're safe enough now to look back.

Now gently,

I want you to let yourself remember being a teenager.

Not a specific moment.

Just the general sense of being 13,

14,

15,

16,

17.

Whatever shows up.

And just notice what comes up now.

An image?

Feeling?

Or a body sensation?

Is there a particular age that wants your attention?

Maybe 13?

Maybe 16?

Trust what comes up.

And remember,

There's no right or wrong way to do this.

As best as you can,

See,

Sense,

Or visualize yourself as a teenager.

Not cleaned up,

Not idealized.

Just see them.

Just as they actually were How do they look?

What are they wearing?

How are they holding their body?

What's in their eyes?

Just notice how it feels to see them.

There might be tenderness.

There might be sadness.

There might be discomfort.

This might be a version of yourself you don't particularly like or want to look at.

And that's okay.

Just notice.

You don't have to feel anything specific.

Just be present with them.

Now,

Ask this teenager,

What are you carrying?

What's weighing on you?

What are you carrying?

And what's weighing on you?

And now just listen.

Not with your mind,

But with your heart.

What do they say?

Or if they don't have words,

What do you sense?

Maybe they are carrying shame about their body.

Maybe they are carrying the loneliness of not belonging.

Maybe they are carrying confusion about who they are.

Maybe they are carrying secret pain that no one took seriously.

Whatever they are carrying,

Just acknowledge it.

You don't have to fix it,

Just see it.

I see that you are carrying this.

I see that you are carrying this.

I see that you are carrying this.

What did you need that you didn't get?

What did you need that you didn't get?

What did you need that you didn't get?

Maybe they needed someone to tell them their body was okay.

Maybe they needed to belong.

Maybe they needed to be taken seriously.

Maybe they needed permission to be confused and weird and awkward.

To not have it figured out.

Maybe they needed someone to see how much they were struggling and say this.

This is hard.

You are not being dramatic.

What you are going through is real.

This is hard.

You are not being dramatic.

What you are going through is real.

And now,

From your adult self,

Can you offer them that?

Can you give them what they didn't receive?

You may want to hold your body.

You can put your hand on your chest.

Maybe another on your stomach.

If you feel guided to.

If they needed to be told their body was okay,

Tell them now.

Your body isn't wrong.

It never was.

The messages you got were wrong.

If they needed to belong,

Tell them this.

I see you.

You matter.

You belong here.

You always did.

If they needed their pain to be taken seriously,

Tell them.

What you were going through was real.

You were not being dramatic.

You were struggling and you deserved help.

If they needed permission to not have it figured out,

Tell them.

It's okay that you don't know who you are yet.

It's okay that you are confused.

You are supposed to be becoming.

That's the whole point.

Take your own time.

Let the words come to you.

And say what this teenager needed to hear.

Use your own words.

And speak from your heart.

And now notice how this teenager responds.

Do they soften?

Do they cry?

Do they resist?

Do they still not quite believe you?

Whatever the response is,

That's okay.

This is just the beginning.

And you might need to come back and offer this presence again.

And again.

Now just imagine yourself wrapping your arms around your teenage self.

Whatever work or exchange needed to happen between you and your teenage wound,

That has happened.

Just imagine yourself wrapping your arms around them.

Or maybe just imagine a thread of light connecting your heart to theirs.

You are not leaving them behind.

You are just bringing them with you.

Integrated,

Whole.

Now slowly,

Gently as we step out of this,

Bring your awareness back to your body.

To your body right now.

And just for a moment notice what does it feel like to have included this part of yourself.

Which may have already been there.

Maybe there is more space in your chest.

Maybe your shoulders have dropped slightly.

And maybe your throat feels a little less tight.

Maybe nothing feels different yet.

That's okay too.

This is a process.

Just take a few more breaths.

Feeling yourself here now as a whole person.

Not just the inner child but the adult.

When you are ready bring yourself back.

Deepen your breath.

If your eyes were closed you can open them.

What I want you to take with you before we close is this.

Your teenage years mattered.

The pain you experienced then wasn't just a phase.

It shaped you.

And it's still shaping you unless you turn towards it with compassion.

Healing the wounded teenager is different from healing the wounded child.

Your child needed to know that they were loved.

Your teenager needed to know that they were seen as they actually were.

In all their awkwardness,

All their struggle and all their confusion.

They needed to know that becoming is messy and that's okay.

So if you take nothing else from this meditation,

Take this.

The teenager you were is still a part of you.

They are not gone.

They are not healed just because you grew up.

They are still there.

Still carrying those wounds,

Those beliefs,

Those fears.

And you can turn towards them.

You can offer them what they didn't get.

You can tell them their pain was real.

You can tell them they were not being dramatic.

And you can tell them they deserve better.

This doesn't fix everything.

But it starts to integrate a part of you that's been frozen,

Hurting or waiting to be seen.

Please be patient with this work.

Your teenager might not trust you right away.

They might still be protecting themselves from more disappointment,

More dismissal and more pain.

And that's okay.

Keep showing up.

Keep offering presence.

And eventually they'll start to believe that this time,

Someone actually cares.

That someone is you.

Thank you for being brave enough to go back.

Thank you for not skipping over this part of the story.

Thank you for giving that younger version of yourself what they needed.

And thank you for letting me be your guide.

Namaste.

Reviews

One of the hardest meditations but one of the best. I felt deep compassion and acceptance of a part of me. Thank you