Disappointments In Life

I've been thinking a lot lately about how our childhood stories and our adult movies and books could possibly set us up with unrealistic expectations.

In most cases,

In these books and movies there is generally a happy ending.

The prince marries the princess,

The good guy wins,

The child gets a happy family,

The dog finds its way home and they all live happily ever after.

But then in our lives it just doesn't seem to work out that way.

We don't get the gorgeous,

Ever attentive prince or princess,

But we get the person who obsessively stares at their phone,

Has bad moods,

Morning breath and bottom burps.

We don't get the fantastic job and the office with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the city whilst wearing expensive designer outfits and sipping champagne for lunch.

But we end up with the artificial lighting,

Boiling hot,

Stuffy office,

Sat facing Maggie who talks too loud and irritates the hell out of you,

The skirt that's a size too small and makes your stomach hang over the waistband,

Ladders in your tights and droopy cheese sandwiches for lunch.

We might not live in the sprawling house with a wraparound porch,

The outdoor swing and humongous gardens where you have neighbourhood barbecues and a double garage and a huge sparkling clean SUV sat on the driveway.

But you've achieved the dizzying heights of a three bed semi with a tiny garden,

Neighbours that don't even acknowledge you and a Renault Clio sat on the road that is covered with bird poo because the neighbour keeps pigeons and they have chosen your car as their toilet.

And you didn't turn out to be Mother Earth who feeds their children hummus and cucumber sticks for their packed lunch,

Takes them for barefoot romps in the woods and plays classical music in the car to send them to sleep.

But you became the mum who hasn't brushed their hair for three days,

Can't see your daughter's bedroom floor carpet due to the toys and clothes all over it.

They know all the words to Baby Shark Song and ask for it constantly playing in your Renault Clio and for their packed lunch they have the same droopy cheese sandwich as you,

Along with a pack of Monster Munch crisps and a token satsuma for their vitamins.

And whatever your actual life looks like,

You might feel disappointed.

So how do you deal with this?

Well one way is to let go of attachments.

We often have an expectation or a desire for a particular outcome that might be because of our childhood stories or the movies we watch,

But wherever they have come from,

Expectations can cause us serious suffering.

I invite you to close your eyes if you wish and take a couple of breaths here.

Notice what are your hopes and expectations from this meditation?

Are you expecting to feel really relaxed at the end of this time?

Are you hoping for some dreamy music that will send you on some blissful journey?

Will you be disappointed if you don't get what you expect?

And this is the same in our lives.

We expect certain things and when we don't get them,

We feel disappointed.

Does that mean we shouldn't have any expectations or hopes and dreams?

No,

But when we are so attached to them that we feel disappointed,

Discontent,

Unhappy with what our actual life is,

Then I think there's a problem.

Take a few moments now to think about anything in your life that you might feel disappointed with.

Work,

Relationships,

Family,

Your body,

Your financial situation,

Your house,

Any areas where you feel you are disappointed in what you have actually got.

And now think about what you actually expected in those areas.

And ask yourself,

Where did these expectations come from?

And were they realistic?

And now imagine that you will never achieve that expectation that you had.

How does that feel?

However strongly you responded to that last question shows how strong your attachment is to that particular desired outcome.

It's not the fact that you haven't achieved that thing,

Whatever that is,

It's your desire to have it that causes you your suffering.

Imagine now being fully content with whatever you have right now.

The expectations have gone and you are fully okay with whatever is right now.

Try imagine that for a moment.

Is this possible for you do you think?

Could this be a reality for you?

What would need to leave you for this to happen?

What would need to drop off you to fall away for this to be possible for you?

And what would remain if it were possible?

How much time do you spend thinking about what you want rather than what you have?

Do you recognise that these thoughts might be about the past or an imagined future rather than being about the present in this moment rather than about your now?

Think about two things that are positive about the area of your life that you initially responded to.

Things that are actually in your now that are good or even just okay.

Just two things.

Can you be grateful for those things?

It's also really important that you look at yourself talk around your disappointments.

For example,

Do you tend to blame yourself and negatively talk about yourself?

I didn't get the job.

Well I'm not surprised.

You looked awful in the interview.

You talked absolute rubbish and why would they want you?

You're pretty useless really.

My partner doesn't love me,

He's always staring at his phone.

He would rather look at his phone than spend any time with me.

Well that's probably because you've put loads of weight on.

I mean why would he want to even look at you?

I don't want to look at you,

You're disgusting.

I hate this job,

I hate this office,

I hate Maggie.

They pay me rubbish wages,

They treat me like rubbish.

Mind you it's probably never going to change.

I'll be here forever.

It's just my luck.

I always have bad luck.

That's just my life.

It's never going to change.

Can you hear any of that in yourself talk or anything similar?

Do you bring up past disappointments and create whole life stories out of them?

My last boyfriend was the same,

My last job I was trep bad and so on and we can create whole new stories for our future based on what has happened in the past.

Being aware of those things,

Being mindful of these things can be helpful because then we can make choices.

Henry Thurow said,

If we will be quiet and ready enough we shall find compensation in every disappointment.

I was contemplating this quote and thinking about what it might mean.

For me it means from disappointment comes movement.

I can choose to sit in my misery feeling sorry for myself,

Dwelling on how I dislike my office,

Can't stand poor Maggie,

Want a bigger house and dream about buying a gun and taking out my neighbours pigeons but that just causes a spiral of negativity,

Discontent,

Sadness and possibly depression.

Or I can decide to change things that are in my control.

So maybe I could speak to my boss about my feelings around the Maggie situation and ask if it's possible to move positions.

I could ask if they could do something about the office being so hot and stuffy.

I could speak to my partner about how their obsession with their phone actually hurts my feelings and could they minimise it when they are with me.

I could change my thinking around some of the stuff that bothers me and make deliberate choices to be grateful.

I could change the negative self talk and be more kind to myself.

I could try and let go of some of the attachments I have.

All these things are movements,

Proactivity,

Things that might lead to change.

They also might not but for me it's better than to wallow.

What changes could you make around your disappointments?

And now allow all the thoughts to go.

Take your attention to your breath.

Just watch your breath for a moment.

Watch the breath coming in.

Watch the breath going out.

Do you notice the breath in your back ribs?

Can you see how the breath affects your shoulder blades?

Observe how your upper body lifts on the inhale.

And how your lower body sinks on the exhale.

How do you notice about the exhale?

Does your body become heavier,

More relaxed or not?

And on the inhale,

On the lifting of the upper body,

Do you feel more energized,

More alive or not?

Do you notice a stillness in the thinking mind when you take your attention to your breath.

And now bring your attention to the space around you,

To your left hand side.

Think about what is there in your space to your left hand side.

And to the right hand side of you.

Think about the space there.

What is there?

And behind you.

Think about the space behind you.

And above you.

And to the front of you.

And now have a picture of the space all around you.

If you wish you might want to wriggle your fingers and toes to bring some movement back to the body.

And if it feels comfortable maybe move your head slowly and carefully from side to side.

And when you are ready,

Open your eyes.

Thank you.