A Problem Shared Is A Problem Halved
In this session we contemplate the saying, 'A problem shared is a problem halved', using it to discuss the benefits of talking, connecting, and expression of our inner worlds and why we may want to lean into the support of others. This track is taken from my course, ‘Live Your Most Fulfilling Life’, available now via my profile.
Transcript
Hello and welcome to the session.
I invite you to take a seat or lie down and get yourself comfortable and close down the eyes if you wish and take a deep slow breath and through the nose and now through the mouth.
In a moment I'm going to share with you a proverb,
Aphorism,
Idiom or saying to contemplate and I invite you to engage with it as deeply as possible,
To look beyond your initial default reaction to it and to consider it from all sides,
To be open to it guiding you,
Encouraging you and informing you of potential knowledge,
Insights and wisdom that may be lying just below the surface.
Our goal with each of these daily contemplations is to use the session to acquire a deeper understanding of ourself,
The world and our place within it.
So take another slow deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth and consider the following.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
So this concept,
This idea of a problem shared is a problem halved is sort of suggests,
You know,
It's telling you,
It's saying,
You know,
Share your problems,
Speak and it halves your problem.
And you know like the basic maths of it makes sense.
You've got 100% of the problem,
You share it,
Now you've got half the problem.
But unfortunately we're not logical.
And also unfortunately,
That's just not how the sharing of problem works.
You know,
If I share my problem with you,
It can feel like it's going to double the problem because right now I'm holding all of it and I share it with you and now you're also holding all of it.
So it can feel like a problem shared is in fact a problem doubled.
And I know that for people with,
You know,
Backgrounds or personalities that make them feel like they're a burden on other people,
They certainly don't feel comfortable sharing their problems because it's like,
Oh my god,
You've got so much issues of your own.
If I share mine,
I'm just burdening you more.
And whilst there may be some truth to this idea,
You know,
If someone shares their problems with me,
I'm now,
You know,
Quote unquote burdened with it,
I now hold it,
I now have some of that.
Ultimately,
It's still not my problem.
If you share a problem with me,
It's still not my problem,
Right?
And I guess if you're concerned about sharing a problem with someone that they will take it on,
That you'll burden them,
You have the discussion with them prior,
You get consent,
You say,
Hey,
I've got something that I'd like to share.
Are you okay with you if I was to share this problem?
And if they're not,
You accept the consent and maybe you pay for the services of a professional therapist,
If that's available.
It is their job to do that holding.
But that aside,
Let's say you are able to,
You do get consent.
Is the sharing of a problem halving the problem?
Well,
I don't know.
I don't know if it would actually halve the problem,
Because the problem still exists.
But there is some benefit,
Proven benefits to sharing problems.
This,
You know,
Comes in the form of confessions through the church,
It comes in the form of through the church,
It comes in the form of therapy,
Comes in the form of talking with friends and family,
Comes in the form of journaling.
Time and time again,
Talking therapies have been shown to help people.
Even the talking therapies that don't offer solutions.
It seems to be that the mere act of sharing a problem helps to alleviate some of that problem.
I've talked about it elsewhere,
And I may end up making a course about it,
This idea of the second arrow.
The second arrow is a concept in Buddhism,
The idea being that life will shoot you with the first arrow.
This is real world pain,
Loss,
Disability,
Grief,
Like,
You know,
Actual problems that happen.
Accidents,
Fate,
Right?
Environmental disasters,
Whatever.
Things outside of your control that actually impact your life.
Real world pain.
That's real,
That's the first arrow.
The second arrow is the pain that we shoot ourselves with.
You know,
It's our response to the first arrow.
It's the anxiety,
The depression,
The grief,
The fear,
The jealousy,
The rumination,
The not living in the present moment.
All of the ruminations and the stuff that we do that hurt us about something that is really happening.
Now,
I'm not saying that those emotions aren't real,
And that they don't cause duress,
And indeed the sort of initial intent of the idea of talking about the second arrow is that it is real,
In the sense that it is the cause of most of our suffering.
Now,
I am not a placeholder of someone who's had the most pain in their lives,
But I have experienced pain.
I've experienced real first arrows,
But a lot of my pain upon reflection is my response to it.
It is the second arrow.
Upon further reflection,
When I start sharing those second arrows,
Or talking about the first arrows with people,
Saying,
Hey,
This happened to me,
And I'm feeling like this about it,
The act of talking about it helps.
I've got a course out,
And I talk about this a lot as well,
And just through the books that I've written and all these other things,
Writing helps.
This idea of problem shared is a problem halved.
Ideally,
We're talking to a receptive,
Empathetic,
Sympathetic human who can respond in real time,
And feel you,
Hear you,
Offer comfort and support where necessary,
Where appropriate,
Where consensual,
All of that stuff.
But what if you didn't have access to that,
Didn't want to do that,
Or just couldn't stomach the idea of it?
Could you share your problem with a journal,
As a poem,
As a form of creativity,
Art,
As movement?
That,
Once again,
Has been shown to reduce the impact of the second arrow,
Reduce the anxiety,
Reduce the depression,
Reduce the overwhelmed feelings.
That impact is real.
So,
Where possible,
I think it is ideal to share.
And if you can't do it with a real person,
There are other options available to you,
Through a journal,
Through other things.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
But how can that be if you're doing it to a journal,
Or you're doing it to a therapist,
Or you're sharing it with someone who doesn't offer any advice?
My thoughts on that is this.
You can get benefit by the act of expression.
There's quotes around writing that I fully agree with,
And around art,
And around just talking in general.
The idea that the act of creativity,
The act of writing,
Or the act of just expressing,
Talking,
Is you forming your opinion,
Is making it a bit more real.
If you were to write down,
Or say out loud,
These are the things that are bothering me.
You're almost solidifying this jumble of emotions,
The beating heart,
The fast breaths,
The tense muscles,
The insert symptoms of anxiety,
Or whatever other issue you're facing.
And you're saying it to the world,
And you're saying,
Hey,
This is what I am feeling right now.
You're making it a bit more real,
Or rather a bit more tangible,
Would be a better word there.
And you're doing so,
Or by doing so,
You're allowing yourself to detach from it.
You're no longer feeling it so much as you're sort of stepping away from it.
Imagine you're in it,
And then you take a few steps back,
And you're sort of looking at it.
I'm anxious becomes I'm feeling anxious,
Or I'm noticing that anxiety is present.
You see how we're stepping a little bit away from it.
So with that in mind,
A problem shared is a problem halved.
If the problem is the second arrow,
If it's internal to you,
Sharing it can definitely help.
But what if the problem is the first arrow is a real problem?
Well,
Sharing it and asking for help will get you the solution,
Right?
Oh,
My car broke down.
I need your help to fix it.
Cool.
I'll help you.
Yeah.
It just becomes a matter of having the ability to swallow your ego,
Perhaps,
And ask for and accept help.
One of the harshest truths of adult life that I've had to accept is that no one's coming to save me.
Or rather,
I have to save myself.
Or rather still,
People will help.
Systems are there to support me if I can take the steps to acquire and ask for that support and help.
What I mean by that is,
If I want the help of a friend or a family member to get something done,
Whether it be practical real help or just a listening ear,
I have to take those steps to reach out because chances are they won't see my suffering.
Chances are that problem shared will only be shared if I initiate the sharing.
I do my best with my young children to sort of inquire and ask about their inner world.
But I also do my best to say,
Hey,
You know,
If I don't see it,
Come to me and tell me because I'm not perfect.
I can't read your mind and no one can.
But there's this little part of my mind,
A little part of most people's minds,
I think,
That is sort of wears their heart on their sleeve or they think they are,
But it's not obvious because everyone's doing this.
Everyone's stuck in their own mind.
They've got their own problems.
They've got their own worlds.
They've got their own issues.
So speak up,
Take action,
And accept the help because perhaps problem shared is a problem halved.
Perhaps a problem shared is a problem halved.
So,
Well done.
This brings us to the end of the session.
At the bottom of your screen,
You see the option to view the classroom or to ask a question.
Before moving on,
I invite you to take a moment to click through and share your insights.
Tweet the answers from other students to hear my replies.
Remember to start your responses by restating the contemplation.
In this case,
A problem shared,
So we all know which one you are referring to.
This is an opportunity for deep learning,
Further introspection and insight,
So please don't miss out.
I look forward to seeing you in the next session.
Thank you.
This track is taken from my course,
Live Your Most Fulfilling Life.
It's out now on InsightTimer and is available via my profile.
I invite you to check it out.
See you there.
