Ask Your Guides: Voices Of Hope - Live -9/28/24

Ask Your Guides! Presents A Talk on Cancer: Voices of Hope and Resilience - recorded LIVE - 9/28/24

Incredible Insight Timer teachers who bravely share their journey with cancer. Discover the strength of community and compassion. Together, let's listen, learn, and support one another.

The following teachers were in this LIVE session. Follow them on Insight Timer and check out their many resources and tracks:
Melanie Underwood, Weston McWhorter, Saskia Lightstar, Judy Unger, and Monika Loe

Referenced during the talk: A Meditation for Chemotherapy Treatment by Saskia Lightstar, and The Golden Bag of Sand by Weston McWhorter

Please join us in the Insight Timer group: "Ask Your Guides" — grounded, guided, and always growing.

Transcript

Hello everybody.

Violet,

Thank you for hosting us.

If you guys don't know,

I can't use OBS,

And Violet and I do Ask Your Guides together,

And she knew this was a really important subject for me today,

And we invited all of these beautiful souls here today to talk our own experiences with cancer and our journeys and hopes that we,

You know,

Touch and inspire some of you in some way.

So I'm Melanie Underwood,

A teacher here on Insight Timer.

I have lung cancer,

And I was really motivated to begin my meditations here on Insight Timer for cancer after hearing a teacher talk about some misinformation around cancer and how people get it and how it's cured or fixed.

And I do always try to find the silver lining in things,

And I thought,

OK,

Well,

That person's got this voice.

I want my voice to be heard.

That's,

You know,

Reality of someone who is experiencing it.

So I'm going to open this up.

I'm hoping that everyone here is going to share a little bit about their story.

You guys are certainly welcome to put questions,

Comments,

All the things in the chat,

And we will be,

I will be monitoring the chat for sure.

So Saskia,

Do you want to start?

I can.

Thank you,

Melanie and Violet for organizing this.

A little bit about me,

I am Saskia Lightstar.

I'm also a teacher on Insight Timer.

I went through stage three breast cancer in 2012,

And it was the moment when I started my self-healing journey,

My self-love journey,

My inner work.

It was the catalyst for everything for me,

Because I think my story isn't so much about the cancer.

But for me,

What impacted me was when I finished my treatment and the doctor said,

It's time to go back to normal.

And in my head,

I was like,

Well,

How do you go back to normal after cancer?

And I didn't have a sense of who I was.

I'd lost my hair.

I lost my breasts.

I lost my femininity,

My sensuality,

My sense of self.

And I had to start from the beginning.

And for me,

I didn't feel like there was any support for people after you finish treatment.

You've got all the support when you go through it.

And then they say,

You can go back.

And it's like,

Well,

There's no going back.

And I think that's my area that I've focused on.

I wrote a book about the subject about life after cancer treatment.

And it was that journey that brought me to where I am now.

And I got a five year diagnosis.

And I think it was a combination of listening to doctors and using pharmaceutical medicine and going on a journey inside of myself and loving myself back to life.

That means that I'm still here 12 years later.

So that's pretty much me in a nutshell.

Thank you.

Thank you,

Saskia.

Judy?

Gosh,

I feel like a newbie here.

It's so soon that I was recently diagnosed that I haven't quite absorbed it,

Perhaps.

What surprised me the most about having the diagnosis of breast cancer was I had a lot of other health things going on.

I had teeth issues,

Leg issues,

Stomach issues.

It just seemed like,

Oh,

My God,

Another thing to get through.

And that made me realize that my thought process was more like,

I wonder how I can get through it instead of fear.

Because I think fear is one of the worst emotions.

And I always had thought if I ever got cancer,

That is the scariest thought possible.

But now I've gone from a place of being fearful to being thankful.

I'm thankful that it was found early.

I'm thankful that modern medicine has incredible processes that will help me to kick it,

That I should have a good outcome.

I mean,

There's always the thought it'll come back.

But I had surgery,

A lumpectomy a month ago.

I still have radiation to go through.

But I'm coming out the other side.

So I think the message for me,

Since I help people with grief,

That was a big part of my life,

Is whenever I have to challenge myself in life,

What can I learn from it?

And how can I inspire and help other people that are going through it?

So I feel like this is a great challenge that will broaden my life experience.

And I'm going to just stay positive.

Thank you,

Judy.

Judy,

I think you are,

You know,

Your music is so uplifting and very helpful,

And I appreciate you.

You're the best.

I was thinking maybe I'll write a song about this,

But I actually had an injury last year and I wrote a song named Take My Hand.

And I feel like that song fits this too,

Because we can lead others by taking their hands.

But then sometimes when you're going through something,

You want someone to reach out a hand and take yours to guide you through.

So that is what we do as teachers.

Yes.

Thank you.

Monika?

Yeah.

Hello.

Thank you so much for having me.

I'm Monika Lowy.

I'm also a teacher on Inside Timer.

And I had a breast cancer diagnosis in 2021.

So I went through all the treatments.

It was a triple negative breast cancer,

So it was quite risky.

And for the first time in my life,

I was really in shock and wasn't sure whether I was going to survive,

Because they said that the chances that the chemo treatment would help is just 60%.

And I like more like 99 or 100% security.

And so I went through a real shock and it was really,

Really difficult.

And it was especially difficult because it was right at the moment when I wanted to take a time out from my work and I really wanted to change careers and do whatever my heart wanted me to do.

And I had this diagnosis.

And yeah,

The treatment,

I mean,

It was more than one and a half years of treatment.

And today I am cancer free,

So I'm really,

Really lucky and happy about that.

And what's really my heart's desire now is to share the things that have helped me,

Knowing that it's not the same for everybody.

And I was also already before I was a yoga teacher and I had no idea how someone feels that that has fatigue or pain.

And I tried to participate in yoga classes and online and it was so frustrating.

And I was,

You know,

And all of these experiences showed me that it's worthwhile that now that I have gone through all of that to try and share the kind of practices that would have really helped me at that time.

And that's why I'm on Insight Timer now.

So I'm quite the new teacher.

I only joined as a teacher in,

I think it was back in February this year.

Thank you,

Monica.

Weston?

Yeah,

Thank you,

Everybody.

I'm Weston Quarter.

I don't want to tell the story.

So I've been a meditator off and on for probably about 20 years or so,

And I have always turned to it as practice for grounding and centering myself.

I also believe in the power of connection in meditation and also clarity and inspiration that comes through that practice.

And when I came into this year,

My word of the year,

As I was sort of contemplating that was integration.

My healing journey really started in 2018,

Had a rough entry point,

Say,

Several dark years of the soul.

I went through my second divorce.

I lost a business simultaneously.

I ended up filing for bankruptcy after that,

As a result of kind of that,

All that catastrophic fall.

And then,

Of course,

In 2020,

When the pandemic hit,

I ended up losing my job and suffering like a really long period of unemployment or underemployment.

So coming into,

Well,

Really in 22,

I began a deep period of self-inquiry and personal growth and diving into these practices that have been supportive for myself over the years,

Meditation,

Journaling,

Prayer,

Things like that,

And also incorporating into that some plant medicine work as well.

And so coming into 2024,

I was at a place where I felt like I needed to really integrate everything that I've experienced over the last couple of years.

And my partner moved in with me in January,

And it was shortly thereafter that I got my first opinion about a lump that had formed in my neck.

And the doctor,

Without having a biopsy and an official diagnosis,

His opinion was that I had an HPV-related oropharyngeal squamous cell carcinoma,

Which is a really long,

Complicated word for tonsil cancer,

That had metastasized into my lymph node.

I didn't have insurance at the time,

And for those of you that live in North America and maybe other places around the world,

But certainly I'm familiar with the American healthcare system a little bit,

If you don't have insurance,

Cancer is an incredibly astronomically expensive proposition to have to deal with.

And when I got this opinion in April,

I had no idea how I was going to cope with it.

And all I could do was trust,

Be present,

And just be patient with whatever the universe had for me.

And so about a month later,

I got a letter in the mail from the state of Maryland that said I was eligible to opt into an insurance program that would allow me to get into treatment.

I found a plan that was affordable and would cover many of the costs related to treatment.

So I ended up beginning to take the steps necessary to get a diagnosis,

Which for those of you that have cancer or have had cancer,

It's very important to have.

And I am now halfway through a seven-week course of daily radiation treatments and weekly chemotherapy treatments.

And the prognosis for my cancer and the outlook is very positive.

I was diagnosed officially as stage two or three,

Which has a little bit lower survival rate.

But what I'm learning is that it's largely an academic measure rather than a proven prediction of outcomes.

And personally,

I believe that,

As you may have a lot of thoughts and I'm going to answer this along the way,

But there's a reason this cancer is in my throat.

There's a reason that it's being cleared from this part of my body.

And I believe that a lot of that has to do with obtaining ultimate clarity and alignment and integrity with my purpose in the world and my ability to speak clearly about that.

So I appreciate your patience today.

I am a little quiet and I do have to kind of like take breaks,

But I'm so honored to be here and so grateful to everybody who is on the live today.

And I just hope we can all serve you in whatever way is helpful for you.

So thank you.

You know,

Weston,

The first thought I have is connections.

And I have a friend whose husband went through the exact cancer you're going through.

And it's been five years and he's doing well.

And not to put you on the spot,

But I'm happy to check with him if you want someone to speak to that can talk.

That's great,

Judy.

I mean,

Yeah,

With this cancer in particular,

Like so many men have come out of the woodwork,

Like whether they follow me on social media or otherwise,

Is saying,

I'm going through the same thing.

I've been through the same thing.

So I appreciate that,

Judy.

Thank you.

Sure.

Support is important.

One hundred percent.

Yeah.

Oh,

Sorry.

Well,

I was just going to say that I've talked to Weston because Weston has been very inspirational to me just because most of you know that I'm somebody like I'm super open minded,

But I'm very controlling and I've really admired how Weston is really sharing so much and laying it out there and being vulnerable.

And I had said to Weston,

I think it's really not talked enough about HPV cancers for men.

And as a mom of two boys or men,

I worry that we sort of don't share that story.

And how grateful I am for you for sharing that story.

Yeah.

Thank you,

Melanie.

And for any of anybody that's been on the Monday morning mastery meditations that I've done over the last few weeks.

I appreciate you riding the emotional journey with me,

Too.

So Saskia.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well,

I think what resonated with me,

Weston,

Was how you understand why it was where it was and that there was a purpose to it.

I really relate to you because if I'm a hundred percent honest,

I,

Too,

Spent the majority of my life,

Pardon my French,

But it was a royal shit show because of the upbringing and the childhood I had.

It was just a big,

Messy mess,

My life.

And I had an eating disorder for 15 years.

And very often I would say because I was sick and I didn't know any better,

I would rather get cancer than get fat.

And in my diseased mind of having an eating disorder,

That's how lost I was in my disease.

So when I got diagnosed,

Obviously I was blindsided,

But at the same time,

It was like,

How could I be surprised?

Because I'd literally called it in and I really felt that the universe took away my hair and my breasts for important reason,

Because I had so much self-hate.

I based all my worth on my physical appearance.

And when my breasts was taken from me and my hair was taken from me and I was bald and I had no eyelashes,

I couldn't rely on that.

And I had to find another way to find myself worth.

So what was the worst thing that ever happened to me turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me because I found a way to love myself,

Which I'd never found before.

And I had only found that because of what was taken from me through cancer,

If that makes any sense.

Yeah,

Totally.

I was just going to share that what's come through for me in the last,

I'm processing this in real time,

Right?

Like every day,

Every week that passes in this treatment course.

And the thing that really came through for me over the last week is that,

You know,

We're in relationship with everything in this universe,

Right?

Beginning with our bodies first,

You know,

And I have had such a misaligned relationship with my body and my voice and my,

Yeah,

Just how I see myself for decades.

And this is such a potent time to look at all the relationships in my life,

Whether it's food,

Money,

Partners,

Parents,

Children,

Work,

Everything,

And to really say,

Like,

To bring this voice back online and say,

How do I bring myself into alignment with all of these relationships so that moving forward into the second half of my life,

I'll either have a deeper awareness of where I kind of fall out of alignment and maybe catch that a little quicker so that I can kind of like come back as quickly as possible.

I definitely understand that.

When my mom died,

I will never forget,

I'm from Virginia and I'm living in New York and I was driving back from Virginia and I felt this lump in my throat and I thought,

Okay,

It's just anxiety because my mom just died.

But I went to the doctor and it turned out I had some thyroid nodules.

To me,

That was really very closely related to my mom's dying because I was stressed and it really brought it on.

And for me,

The type of cancer I have is really different than most cancers.

It's called neuroendocrine.

It's based in your endocrine cells.

For many people,

It can occur anywhere from your throat to your rectum.

And believe it or not,

The best place to get it is in your lungs.

And when I was diagnosed,

The doctor said,

You have the best of this type of cancer.

And I was like,

Oh,

Okay,

That sounds interesting.

But the lungs are associated with grief.

And my dad just died.

And had the doctors not told me that I probably had this cancer for 20 years because I have an extremely slow growing age,

Or they said probably 15,

I would have swore that it came from my dad's death,

Which was in October because I felt so much grief.

And I still,

To be honest,

I mean,

I still feel so much grief about my dad and about my own cancer.

And that's,

For me,

Why I always try to turn things around.

Because I don't want to live in a space where this is how I feel all the time.

I want to live in a space that I can uplift others,

And that I'd be around people that are uplifting.

But you are uplifting.

You know,

We don't always have to inspire by coming out the other end.

We can inspire as we're going through it,

Because then it's even more real.

And that's what really touches.

I was just going to add that I hate to even think that good things come out of cancer,

But really good things have happened for me.

I have much more intimacy with my children.

All of a sudden,

I'm getting constant loving phone calls.

I mean,

Who knows how long that will last,

But I'm holding on to that.

I also had a feud with a family member,

And it's very ironic,

Because she had cancer a year before me.

And I told someone that she didn't want me to tell,

That I had no idea.

She didn't tell me not to.

And of course,

I told her I was really sorry,

Because she didn't want the wife to know.

It was just so awkward.

And she said,

I'll never forgive you.

And I was really upset.

There was nothing I could do to make amends.

And she was quite mean to me.

I just had to let that go.

But flashing forward,

When I got my diagnosis,

I decided to reach out and tell her.

And she wanted to be supportive of me.

Even though I don't know that I felt trust after being hurt,

I decided to let this be a healing situation.

So now we're back in the fold.

And I think,

You know,

There's a purpose for everything.

And I'm glad for how it worked out.

Yeah,

I think that's a really important reminder.

There's a purpose for everything.

Yeah,

It's so true.

And I mean,

As humans,

We are meaning making machines,

You know,

And so we do have a choice in each moment of like,

What is the meaning that I want to attach to this?

And does it and does it serve me,

You know,

In the end,

And so I,

Um,

I yeah,

I'm grateful for this opportunity to learn from this teacher in my body,

And see what comes out on the other side.

And I trust Judy,

That it'll,

It'll be the same experience for you.

I mean,

And,

You know,

Those fractures,

I think that happened within family can be healed,

You know,

If people are,

Well,

I won't say that as a blanket statement,

Right,

Because some relationships are more difficult than others,

But there's a real opportunity for healing there.

So I'm excited to hear that your children are connecting with you.

Yeah,

I'm having a 65th birthday.

And five years ago,

I had a little party for myself.

And my daughter just said,

I'm not comfortable.

I'm not up to it.

It's too much stress for me to meet your friends.

I mean,

She's,

You know,

Almost 30 years old,

Or no,

She was 28,

25.

Anyway,

Flash forward this year,

I'm turning 65.

It's five years later,

I decided I'll make another party.

And she's out of state.

And she said,

I'm flying in for your party.

It's amazing.

It's,

It's interesting.

I'm getting all emotional.

This is a side effect of cancer,

For me,

And I've been so emotional.

I think what it is,

Is,

Um,

I put so much weight on the fact that she didn't come.

And it was so interesting,

Because I think I had a better time without her there,

You know,

With my friends,

I could really be myself instead of worrying if she was comfortable.

But I felt so hurt,

Because it was different with me and my mother,

You know,

I didn't mind meeting my mother's friends.

So I had all this expectation that leads to disappointment.

And this time,

I had no expectation.

And the fact that out of her own heart that she really felt it was so important to be there,

Just really touched me.

I do think when people most people,

When they realize that someone has cancer,

Are like,

I'm going to be back,

I'm going to,

I'm going to let the things that got in my way,

Stop.

And I have a very close friend who has cancer.

And she,

She won't let me tell anyone,

Because she has shame tied into this,

Because she has cervical cancer.

And she said,

Everyone's gonna think that I was a whore.

And I said,

I don't think anybody's gonna think you're a whore.

And she's like,

No,

No.

She's like,

People ask you all the time,

Did you smoke?

And she's like,

They're looking for something to blame it on.

And I don't want anybody to know that this is that if they find out I have cancer,

I'm not telling them that I have this type.

And she doesn't,

She tells them she has uterine,

Because for her,

It's so tied up into her sexuality.

And she,

I said to her,

If that makes you a whore,

I don't want to know what I am.

I lived in New York City since I was 20.

And I feel a lot for her,

Because she is not really able to go through this experience completely,

Because she has a lot of shame.

Before we went live,

This is where I'm going,

Saskia,

You talked about shifting the narrative a little bit.

And you have some really beautiful meditations on Insight Timer.

And I would,

If you remember what you said earlier,

I would love for you to sort of repeat that because I think it's an important thing for people to hear.

Thank you,

Melanie.

I created an audio,

I call the work I do audio healing journeys,

Because I believe we're all powerful enough to heal ourselves.

But it starts with self-connection and changing our perspective and the way we've thought about things our whole lives.

So I created an audio healing journey for the chemotherapy treatment,

Because when I went through treatment,

I just felt so alone and so lost and so terrified.

And I had nothing to hold me through it.

So I created a journey whereby you use your imagination and imagine that the chemo that's going into your body is pure gold and it's transmuting any dis-ease in your body into gold.

Because I do believe that we can change our perspective of what we're going through.

And you know,

A lot of people are like chemotherapy is poison and radiation is destroying your body.

And yes,

You can absolutely look at it like that.

But I didn't choose to.

And people judged me for choosing the route that I took.

Chemo to me is a miracle created by geniuses that is helping us live longer.

And if I build a loving relationship to the experience I'm having with that chemotherapy,

It's only going to make it more powerful.

Same with the radiation.

I used to have it like US and every day.

And it was like this radiation in my imagination,

Because I'm not medical,

I'm a creative.

It's like it's zapping anything that's holding me back from living my greatest life.

It's just going go away,

Go away.

And I changed my relationship to it.

So it was empowering me and it was making me stronger instead of I'm putting poison in my body and I have to take this medication and it's so bad for me.

Your body is stronger than you think.

And it can work with the chemo.

It can work with the medication.

It can work with the radiation and your imagination and the way you feel and culminate the whole lot together to make it a really powerful healing on steroids,

If that makes any sense.

Yes.

And Saskia,

I love more than I'll ever,

Ever be able to tell you that you made those.

My type right now,

I don't need radiation or chemo because mine would be done surgically and they did a surgery in April and they probably have to do another one.

But even in my own healing,

I think about,

And I talk about one of Weston's meditations about a golden bag and I just visualize light coming into my body and breaking up cancer like you were doing with the radiation.

And I do think it's about perspective because that's part of why I wanted to be here.

Everybody's entitled to make their own choices and chemo and radiation are miracles for many people and they save many people's lives.

And poison,

Toxic,

Yes,

It still is a lifesaver and everybody is entitled to make that choice.

But turning it around and you said earlier,

It's alchemy.

And I think that's a really beautiful way of looking at it because it is alchemy.

It's lifesaving for so many.

I was actually going to share before we jumped on the live that every time my chemo nurses come in with my bag of cisplatin,

I ask them if I can hold it and just say a little prayer over it before they start the IV.

And they're always like,

Wow,

Totally.

I've had the most incredible interactions with my chemo nurses during this journey.

It's been really beautiful.

So yeah.

I'm feeling.

.

.

I absolutely love that you do that.

I wish I could be a fly on the wall and watch the nurses' faces when you're like meditating with your chemo.

That's amazing.

I was going to say that I'm feeling for you,

Melanie,

That you're dealing with grief on top of that.

And I know that I miss my parents and I think of them all the time and how much they love me,

Even though they've been gone a while.

One of my favorite songs,

Beside Me Always,

With Me,

That's one thing that I do to help myself because they may be gone in physical presence,

But their love never dies.

I know that.

And I thank you for that.

I mean,

I think the hardest part is my dad and I are like two peas in a pod.

And we talked every day,

Three or four times a day.

And I did it willingly and lovingly because he was just this larger than life person that literally sort of brought so much beauty into everyone's life that he touched,

Including mine.

And it was unexpected that he died.

And even at his funeral,

People said like,

Wow,

I never thought your dad was going to die because he had that kind of amazing,

Vibrant energy.

And what I'm about to say sounds oddly selfish and very weird,

And I'm aware of it.

But in many ways,

I'm not glad my dad died,

But I don't think I could have actually told my dad I had cancer because my dad was so incredibly empathetic.

I don't think I could have brought myself to tell him because I think I would have lost my shit and I'm not good at losing my shit.

So and maybe that would have been healing.

But I also I do know like I whenever I'm feeling like shit and I have to say I have been feeling it a little bit more the past couple of months,

Just because I I've been like,

I don't understand.

I don't understand lung cancer.

I don't understand why I have lung cancer.

And that's been a process that I'm trying to like grieve and go through myself.

But I always call on my parents.

And I'm a big believer in that because I know they're with me.

And I'm just like,

Hey,

I need you right now.

I need you to be there.

And it's very much a guiding light for me.

Keep having those conversations,

Even though they're not there.

I can hear my dad's voice.

I literally know exactly what he would say to me.

Yeah,

There's been a lot of really beautiful comments.

I don't know if you guys have seen them.

Stella actually just wrote,

Thank you all for this validation.

And I think for me,

That's definitely one of the reasons why I wanted us all to come on here is to help others feel appreciated and seen and validated.

And you know,

Saskia,

I can't even say how powerful your meditations are and for people to use them.

But if anybody else has any words of wisdom that they want to share for all the other people in here,

I know there's some people in here I know that have cancer and that are also recovering from cancer.

Then Stella also wrote my mantra this year is this medicine is transforming every cell in my body,

Making me whole and well again.

Yes,

That is a beautiful affirmation.

It's hard not to wonder,

Why did I get this or what did I do?

I think that's a natural process that we can start out with.

But then it's just acceptance.

You know,

This is this is it.

This is what I'm I'm going to get through.

And I'm glad that I was able to go there rather than self blame.

But people say that just like with grief,

They say the stupidest things.

You know,

Somebody was saying,

Aren't you going to go on this program of eating this and that?

And,

You know,

It's so frustrating,

I guess,

Until someone else goes through it.

They really don't know what it's like.

Yeah.

Oh,

Sorry,

Weston.

No,

No.

Good.

Saskia.

Are you guys familiar with the work of Gabor Mate in that diseases like cancer can be psychosomatic?

And if so,

What what are your guys view on that?

So this is this is where I think that discernment comes into play,

Right?

Like I love I love Gabor Mate.

His work is incredible.

You know,

Bessel van der Kolk also,

You know,

Body Keeps the Score,

Like all of that work is incredible,

Right?

And with cancer,

What I'm finding is that,

You know,

Not only is every diagnosis different,

But how our bodies hold that cancer is different.

Even with my own,

How the tumors are set up,

The treatment of options that are available is different.

And when we receive these inputs from outside,

Right,

It could be family members,

It could be friends,

It could be stuff you read on the Internet.

You really have to begin to feel into like what's true for you,

Right?

In your specific case,

Right?

So I have a I have,

I guess this is going to sound weird when I say it,

But I have basically the male version of cervical cancer,

Right?

So my cancer is I got from a sexually transmitted infection at some point in my life.

It's a virus,

Right?

I was going to say it's not a lifestyle-related cancer,

But it certainly is,

Right?

But it's not due to parasites,

It's not due to my diet,

You know,

It's not due to anything like that that I might necessarily need to change or look at.

So coming to the psychosomatic piece,

Saskia,

I think that and the shame and the grief and all of this like tied up into one,

You know,

I've held a lot of shame around my sexual self for decades.

It came from,

It was planted in me from my relationship with my father,

It's planted in me with a relationship with my grandmother.

And I grew up in the Southern Baptist Church down in the South.

And so that's the whole ride,

If you know anything about that branch of Christianity.

And I was not really allowed to speak my truth forever,

Really.

Like and when I would try to do that,

It would be pushed down and kind of like shamed and can't do that.

It's not the way to live and et cetera,

Et cetera.

And so you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

So I just got quiet,

Quiet,

Quiet,

Quiet,

Quiet,

Quiet,

You know,

So I think circling back to answer that question is that I think it's a combination of things,

Right?

It is psychosomatic in the sense that like,

I didn't have the power,

I didn't have the tools,

The vocabulary to release that from my body to allow that energy to come out.

And it's also a very physical,

Like 3D disease in my body that I have to clear out.

So it's really two things,

You know,

I think.

I hope that makes sense.

Perfect.

Well,

I think for me,

That's honestly what pisses me off when people say things to people who are whether chronic illness,

People say,

My husband has a chronic illness that's undiagnosed since 2017.

And people are like,

Are you sure he's sick?

And I'm like,

Yeah,

I'm pretty sure I live with him.

I see him suffer every day.

So yes.

And I think there's just this mentality.

And I think Judy,

Maybe you were saying this earlier,

Monica,

People I think really should think before they speak and it's lacking.

And one of the things that I've been working on are tools for people who don't have cancer or chronic illness,

And they aren't sure what to say.

You know,

My husband who does have chronic illness,

The other day I was crying and I said,

I'm just,

I'm really upset.

I'm really upset about my dad and I'm upset.

I've always been super healthy.

I'm like on top of the world all the time.

And I feel like this is just sort of like knocked me off a little bit.

And my husband said,

I don't know what to say.

And I was like,

I know you and everybody else,

Because people don't know what to say.

And I always want people to feel like it is okay to say,

I don't know what to say.

It's also okay to say,

I'm here.

I will listen to you.

How can I help you?

All the things.

It's also to say,

I'm scared and I really don't know how to respond to this.

Because I think it's better to be thoughtful in the way that you're speaking to someone as opposed to like,

What did you do to get this?

You know,

Did you smoke?

You know,

All the things.

So yes,

Violet wrote,

I'm here.

I will listen.

I don't know how to help,

But I'm here.

Yeah.

And I just think those are words that we,

I think I need to give people as tools because I think people are lacking tools who,

Who don't have these things,

But are around people that do.

Inga said,

My grandma had breast cancer and even now she says things to me as if she didn't have it.

And Christina said,

Thank you so much for all of you coming together today and sharing pieces of your journey,

Feeling less alone in the way I process losing a loved one and also dealing with treatment.

I am grateful for the tracks that spoke to us cancer patients and treatment.

Sharing this terrible,

Scary,

Lonely,

Transformational part of our journeys here.

Thank you all for your braveness and sharing pieces of your heart.

I am feeling more understood now.

And so much of what you all are sharing on the panel is resonating with me,

Love and light to all of you.

Yeah.

I wasn't sure I had that much to add to this session because it's so new still for me.

I'm like shell shocked,

But I'm also not scared.

I'm just like one foot in front of the other.

And compared to a grief journey where I was prying all the time and at my lowest darkest point,

I think that has helped me in life because I've already been to the darkest of places so nothing could be darker than that.

And I came through it.

So I know I'll get through this.

And even if I don't,

I'm not even afraid of dying.

I feel like I just have so much more living that I want to do and it's not going to stop me.

I'm going to continue doing what I love,

Even as it goes through treatment.

I think that's actually a really beautiful point to bringing up,

Judy,

And maybe we can sort of pass this around the group is,

What is your vision for your life on the other side of this?

You know what I'm saying?

And I'd love to hear from,

Even if it's not like really well formed,

But like,

What is your vision for yourself on the other side of this journey?

And can you hold that highly so that,

You know,

Even in the darkest moments where you're feeling pain or you're feeling all the emotional rollercoaster,

Right,

That you still have that North Star that you can hold on to?

I'm just,

I'm just curious if you guys would feel like discussing that a little bit.

Well,

I,

Weston,

That's kind of what just gets me through every single day.

And I think that's what pisses me off because I feel like there's a bump in my road.

I mean,

I have always meditated,

But I am very much a type A person.

I'm like,

I'm doing this.

It's done.

And so for me,

It's felt it's an opportunity to slow down because I am all in on everything I do.

But that's what's carried me through is,

You know,

For me,

If you aren't familiar with me on Insight Timer,

I teach mindful cooking and intuitive baking.

And cooking is something that everyone does almost every day.

And when you're doing it,

You can use it as an opportunity to really be mindful because you're using all of your senses.

And it can really help people cope with anxiety,

With the things that you feel.

So I always worked with adults.

And about seven years ago,

I wanted to start working with kids because I thought adults tell me every day I'm making an impact in their life.

So I can do that.

Imagine what I could do if I could catch,

Catch this human before they get to this fucked up stage.

And so I started working with kids.

And I feel like that's what's holding me on is knowing that I have so much more to do and that I have so many more people to reach and allow space for them.

Because when I had a class today and kids,

You know,

They're like,

It's so calm here.

I love it because it's calm and I don't have calm anywhere in my world,

You know.

And last week,

A kid said something and I said,

You know,

I'm teaching you cooking because that's what I know how to do.

I've been teaching cooking for 28 years,

But I'm actually teaching you compassion and kindness and creativity and confidence.

So the cooking is secondary for me,

Although it might seem first for you.

I'm teaching you about how to be a beautiful human.

And so that's what keeps me going every second of every day.

And when I really,

Like yesterday,

I didn't have a great day.

I was feeling a little bit la,

And I was,

As soon as I start teaching,

I feel so much better because I'm like,

This is,

This is all I'm meant to do.

And people used to always say to me,

What do you want to do after you,

You know,

You've taught?

And I'm like,

Well,

This is what I'm doing.

This is my,

I am doing it.

So that's just,

I mean,

I'm sure you can tell,

I feel so much more lit up when I talk about it because it is what keeps me going.

I totally relate.

In fact,

It's passion,

It's,

It's passion and loving what you do.

And my whole thing is I'm just going to keep going.

I think about one of my songs,

West End,

When you said North Star,

One of my favorites is called My Shining Star.

And it's actually,

Again,

That same feeling that there's lyric line in there where my son or it could be anyone that I love says,

I whisper in your ear to heal.

In my heart,

You will stay,

I'll hold on to our dream forever.

The stars above remind me of our love each and every day,

Wherever you are,

You're my shining star.

So that shining star is always there for me to hold on to.

And that's why I keep doing what I love,

Because I don't understand it.

I don't understand these songs that came to me to help me heal in the past,

That continue to help me in the present.

Yeah,

I do,

Judy,

Though,

Because you're,

You know,

I always feel that I heal people through food and you're healing people through music,

You know,

Just giving yourself through food too.

I had to interject that,

I'm sorry.

Weston,

When you asked about a North Star,

I think for me,

It wasn't about a destination or reaching the other side.

What became my new way of life was how can I love myself more every day?

Because I had a lifetime to make up for,

You know,

I hadn't been kind to myself.

I hadn't honored myself.

I hadn't respected myself.

I hadn't listened to myself or trusted myself or done any of these things.

Nobody had taught me how.

I'd come from a dysfunctional family.

And so now every day,

I use everything,

Everyday activities,

Whatever,

As a way to heal myself more.

So if I'm going for a dog walk and it's windy outside,

I use that as an opportunity to scream at the top of my lungs because I want to get out whatever it is that I'm always pushing down.

And now anytime I have an opportunity to cry,

I don't wipe away my tears anymore,

Like I'm ashamed or I'm trying to stop them from coming.

I'm like,

This is a release.

This is healing.

So I'm going to watch something just to make myself enjoy the deliciousness of releasing and sobbing.

Everything can be healing.

That's just how we interpret it.

Everything you can do as a way to love yourself more,

A simple shower or a bath.

If you're going through cancer,

Take the soap,

Wash your body with love and say,

I am washing away any negativity,

Any disease,

Anything that is keeping me sick.

I'll use anything.

And by doing that,

By doing that every day,

I ended up falling in love with myself.

And by doing that,

I think I ended up healing myself because I believe everything is about how we feel about us.

And nobody ever taught us how to love ourselves.

And so I think that should be everybody's North Star.

It should be in your heart and you should be finding ways to make it shine brighter every day of your existence.

You are so profound,

Saskia.

Yes.

Boom.

Love it.

Boom.

Drop the mic.

I'm telling you,

Like,

Wow,

That's that's exactly it.

Oof.

Wow.

I'm going to say this because my parents actually taught me that.

That if you're a parent in here,

It's an amazing thing to teach your kids.

You know,

My mom literally said,

Like,

I did love myself.

I always have.

And I have a lot of confidence,

But I know that people haven't had that same experience.

So if you're a parent,

It's such an amazing opportunity sometimes to step out of that parenting situation that we all get into and remember that these are little tiny humans that were here to just help.

And what Saskia is learning and learned through all of this,

We can help our own kids by doing that.

And I'm a huge proponent of showering and washing my shit off for the day.

And I love that you had wonderful parents,

Melanie,

And that you have them,

You know,

To miss wonderful parents.

My mother is alive,

But I have no contact because she's a narcissist and I didn't get that.

So I had to teach it to myself.

So I and I think you're the way you described your dad sounds to me and I've only just met you,

But it sounded like you are your father's daughter because you shine as bright as he does.

Thank you.

There's no doubt I'm my dad's daughter.

Thank you.

Yes.

And I'm always grateful that I had my parents because I have to say it's actually very,

Very rare that I meet people who when I meet people,

They usually say,

Oh,

I didn't have that experience.

And I my mother was 10 years older than my dad.

My mother made more money than my dad.

My mother was an engineer.

My dad was an entrepreneur.

So they had a very unusual dynamic.

And I think because they were obviously very open people,

They just had a totally different way of living and thinking.

And I was the youngest of six girls.

So I think by then they'd figured it out.

Monica,

What about you?

Yeah,

I think I mean,

What Saskia said about self-love that resonated a lot with me.

Definitely I have I have really learned to love and accept myself and also show up and show show myself vulnerable because before I always was also the tough lady that had everything under control and rarely cried.

And I mean,

Never in front of other people.

And now I can definitely do that.

And I have also decided to even during the time of diagnosis and treatment and everything,

Just be open and talk openly about everything.

And I my experience is that that made it easier for everybody.

Yeah,

Probably people that were overwhelmed,

Maybe they they didn't talk to me.

But I think that was really the way to do for me and to share openly.

And now and already during this time,

It's to do things for and not against.

I think that's my my my northern star.

Whenever I catch myself that I do something to avoid or against something,

I try to to change it and do it for something.

I think that's important.

I know I just had my first PET scan and I have to have an MRI with contrast and everyone has been coming at me with everything.

So I was like,

You know what,

I'm not doing this MRI right now because I told my husband that's the only thing I have control over.

I'm going to do it when I'm ready,

Because that's all I can control is that moment and that opportunity.

And I think that was the only thing that was giving me a sense of like,

I just need a little bit of calm and peace.

And I feel like in this journey,

There's very few opportunities for concrete examples of that.

Yes,

Dropping into ourselves and rolling with it and going with it and accepting it.

But I needed something very concrete.

I just don't want it to be where cancer defines who I am.

That's the first thing that people will think of when they talk to me.

I just want it to be something that I'm going to get through and then move on from and just look at it as another part of my life.

But that is not who I am.

That's why I don't like the term cancer survivor,

Because I changed it.

I came up with my new concept and I called myself a cancer misfit,

Because it's like I'm not normal anymore.

I don't fit into the box of,

You know,

Somebody who's never had cancer,

But I'm also not in this perpetual state of surviving.

I'm just a cancer misfit.

I don't have to fit in any boxes.

I don't have to look a particular way.

I don't have to.

I can now actually,

I've got cancer.

I get to do the beep,

Whatever I want and be whoever I want,

You know.

I love that.

I love that.

I'm going to use that.

I'm going to put that in my next newsletter and I will give you credit,

But that is amazing.

Hashtag cancer misfit.

That's what I put in the chat.

We need to start using it.

Yeah,

I agree.

It's time.

Also,

One thing that helped me on my journey,

Which is going to sound really morbid,

But was the most powerful thing was when I got diagnosed with cancer,

I wrote an obituary,

Wait for it though,

For the old me that I wasn't anymore.

I said goodbye to,

I was a superficial party girl when I got diagnosed.

All I cared about was the latest club and,

You know,

Who I was hanging out with and my high heels and all this superficial stuff.

And when I got diagnosed,

I kind of,

I wrote an obituary saying we had so much fun and it was amazing,

But I'm letting her go now because I'm stepping into a new version of myself.

And it gives you an opportunity to start over and how many people get a second chance at being themselves when you face cancer,

It's like,

It almost erases a part of yourself.

So you kind of,

Does anybody relate to that at all?

I do.

So can I share a little bit about my,

Like how I've kind of framed this experience for myself?

So my treatment window began on the Virgo new moon,

Um,

A few weeks ago and it culminates on the full hunter's moon in October.

So it's bookended by these really like interesting lunar setups where,

You know,

I'm able to sort of like cast a vision for how I want these seven weeks to look and then to emerge on the 17th of October,

This full moon energy.

Um,

So that's one thing,

But I'm also realizing that this is 35 days of treatment.

So each day I have decided to revisit myself at that age that I was.

So Friday was day 21.

So I was like reflecting on my 21 year old self.

And part of the process is asking myself like,

You know,

What do I need to accept about myself at that age?

Um,

Is there anything I need to forgive myself for at that age?

And then,

You know,

Bringing it back to the throat and the voice is like,

What do I need?

What did I need to express that I did not at that time?

So that's a little bit of a like mental practice for me every day.

Um,

And when I was 35,

That's when I found out that I was going to be a father to my son.

And so just knowing that,

Like when I found out that news,

It was like the greatest day of my entire life.

And he has become such a incredible 16 now and he's become such an incredible teacher and friend and like joy to parent and love.

And,

And so I think that,

You know,

For me,

Like,

Yeah,

If there is a North star or like that vision,

It's like,

I want to,

I want to be love right through this whole thing.

I want to emerge on the other side as like the embodiment of love and compassion for myself and empathy for myself so that I can radiate that out to the world and to all of my relationships in the world.

As far as that,

As far as that reaches from like my body to my relationship with my partner,

My relationship,

My children,

Our relationship with my community,

My family,

And like mother earth,

You know,

So I'm excited to continue to traverse and especially like the,

The,

The weeks that are the ages that I'm traversing right now was kind of that,

You know,

Wild fight for your right to party kind of age that quite frankly might've been the time when,

You know,

This,

At least this virus entered into my body and just kind of hung out for however long it did.

So there's a lot to look at in this timeframe in particular of like,

You know,

When I was being so violent to myself and I just didn't give a fuck,

You know,

Like,

Sorry for,

But I did not,

You know,

Um,

I thought I did,

But yeah,

Just loving that person and forgiving that person and allowing them to be seen as part of the process here for me.

So Weston,

Your son has your daughter,

My daughter too.

I don't,

I don't want to miss her,

But mostly my boy too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For sure.

Yeah.

Well,

I can't believe in an hour has come and gone and I really want to thank you guys for being so vulnerable and you may not have been able to see the chat because I'm reading it and I can't tell you how many people have had so much impact from this conversation and all the appreciation that everyone's feeling about the vulnerability.

So thank you.

Thank you for sharing.

And is there anything that I,

You know,

I always like to wrap up asking,

How can people support you?

And that can look like anything at all.

So,

Except don't talk about things outside of it.

Humor is great.

That's actually one of the best things to get through anything is to find humor.

You can talk about whatever you want.

Don't worry.

I'm going to find it out before I upload it.

I have a workshop tomorrow called Take Your Power Back.

And so if anyone in your past,

Because I had a lot of people that did it to me,

In your childhood,

Maybe it was your parents,

A sibling,

A bully at work,

Whoever made you feel small and insignificant and insecure and less than,

Then I have a workshop tomorrow where by the end of it,

You will stand fully back in your power and you will not take shit from anybody else.

Pardon my French.

And that is tomorrow at I think 1pm EST time.

You're a rock star.

I wish.

Judy,

What about you?

I feel like I've said all that I could say.

Words are important to me,

So I don't want to ramble.

I just think about that would help me heal from grief.

I mean,

That was the journey that really transformed me.

So you were talking earlier about an opportunity to become a new person.

That was me at age 50 when I started playing the guitar again.

But I just feel that I'm so happy that I can still smile because I don't think I smiled during horrible grief.

But no matter what,

I kept my smile through it all.

That's a lyric line of mine.

And I just think that's my shining light to get through things.

It's not artificial.

It's not like I just I feel such joy to be free.

My first transformation,

I'm still riding a wave of that.

So I think that confidence and optimism just paves the way for me.

Do you have any lives coming up,

Judy?

I try to do it every week.

At the same time,

I do Sundays at 6 p.

M.

Pacific Standard Time.

I did cry during a live,

Not my last one,

The one before.

And I had the most loving audience.

They just still care about me,

Even though I could not sing.

I kept trying and it was pretty,

Pretty tough.

But then I realized that those tears are healing and they needed to come out.

So I'm accepting all parts of this journey.

I had a live last week and it was fine.

I'll be back on Sunday.

So we'll see you tomorrow.

Thank you.

Monica?

Thank you.

Yeah,

I think I have also said a lot already.

I mean,

Not a lot,

But all I can say,

Maybe just maybe one thing that I would like to share is that something that I believe was kind of a mistake that I that I made is that I believed that I need to relax a lot.

And yes,

I still believe one needs to relax a lot.

But it's also about energizing.

It's not just relaxing because it's also the uplifting energy.

It's really both.

So that's maybe one one thing that is,

Yeah,

That seems important for me to share because I didn't know because everybody said,

Yeah,

You just need to relax.

And for me,

That was not true in the end.

And yeah,

I would love to see people at one of my Yoga Nidra's I do.

So it's about relaxing.

I do a monthly Yoga Nidra in English.

The other lives I'm doing,

I do in German.

So if people in the audience speak German,

Most welcome to join.

I mean,

Everybody welcome to join.

But yeah,

The English one makes more sense.

The next one is on the 4th of October,

Which is a Friday,

Which is a Friday.

But it's my evening.

So it's your afternoon.

So I guess it's it's 9 p.

M.

My time.

So it must be around 3 p.

M.

Yours.

Yes.

Thank you,

Weston.

I think what would be most supportive is,

You know,

Just the energy,

The thoughts,

The you know,

The prayers for complete and total healing through this process.

I've noticed that I've really needed to conserve my voice.

And so,

You know,

The the lives that I was doing on Monday,

I've kind of set those down for now just because I really want to.

The invitation here for me is to,

Like,

Listen and receive in a lot of ways,

You know.

And so in the meantime,

I guess,

You know,

Maybe follow me,

Follow my profile on Inside Timer,

Because this journey will end for me in mid-October and I'm going to go into a healing phase and probably coming back with those with those lives in November is a big part of my intention.

So I'm just really,

Like,

So grateful for the opportunity to join today and to receive wisdom and insight from everybody here.

So you're very inspiring,

Weston.

Thank you,

Judy.

Thank you.

So maybe maybe the invitation here to keep it on the IT tip is checking my profile,

Hit the link tree in there and have fun.

Yes.

And so,

Monica,

What you said resonates with me a lot because when I started teaching mindfulness,

My friend was like,

How is that going to go?

You have like more energy than everybody in a room.

And I was like,

It's a different type of mindfulness.

It's mindful cooking and I can be energetic.

And I think that's important,

Too,

Because we're not.

One thing that I never want for anyone is that you get trapped in a box and that you're just told,

Hey,

You're a mindfulness teacher,

So therefore you need to be calm or you need to be relaxed.

So anybody that's here that's ever been to one of my lives knows that they are very uplifting.

And I have a live tomorrow morning at nine where I'm doing intuitive baking and I'm making a pumpkin cheesecake from my book.

So I hope that you guys can come.

Yes.

Carly from A Smile from Heaven said,

High energy mindfulness is effective for us neuro spacey peeps.

Yes.

And I always want to send everyone a lot of love and support everyone on this panel and everyone that's in the group.

And I know that Weston is from Maryland and I'm from Virginia originally,

And I just also want to send a love to the people in North Carolina right now.

If anybody here is being affected by that,

I don't know if everybody knows,

But there's been a lot of devastation from the hurricane catastrophic.

And I have a friend there who she told me that all of the towns have been literally wiped out.

So just sending love and healing to us,

To you all and to the people there.

And Violet,

Violet,

Violet,

Violet,

I love you so much.

Thank you for all that you do for Insight Timer,

For me,

Violet and I just met in when?

January?

I don't remember.

First time I saw you live was in January and the first time I saw you in person was in April.

But it definitely feels like Violet and I have known each other many lifetimes and I value you so much and I appreciate you.

Don't make me cry.

You know I'm a crier.

I value you and I love you and I'm happy to do this.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Check out these teachers.

Their links are in my teacher's profile.

Thank you to all these beautiful teachers for sharing these amazing stories.