Welcome to another brief talk in the Parenting Superpowers Toolkit series.
This is tool number seven,
Turning over responsibility,
Guiding children to solve their own problems.
If you have been listening to these,
You know the drill.
I will read a statement in first person as a reminder to focus on the things that you can control.
So here's tool number seven.
I vow to not problem solve for my child,
But instead to help guide them to be solvers of their own challenges.
I turn over developmentally appropriate responsibilities to my child and increase those responsibilities and expectations with each developmental stage.
I practice being able to sit in and move through my own discomfort during the times I have to watch my child struggle.
I vow to stay out of the modes of problem solver,
Distractor,
Denier,
Or cheerleader whenever possible.
I validate when something is difficult for my child.
And then express my confidence in their ability to handle the situation.
I offer open-ended guiding questions before I offer suggestions.
I seek to gain clarity on what is my job and what is my child's job.
Let's unpack this in more detail.
Take a moment and ask yourself this question.
Do I step in and do as soon as my child leaves their comfort zone?
We must allow our children to spend time in their challenge and learning zones.
If we step in every time they're a little bit uncomfortable,
We are limiting their growth.
We are actually becoming a barrier to their growth and possibly doing them a disservice.
This action we are taking may ease our anxiety for a short amount of time because we've taken away their discomfort temporarily.
And that,
In turn,
Has eased our anxiety for the moment.
But we taught them nothing about working through discomfort,
Working through a challenge,
Persevering,
Learning by stumbling through a problem,
Falling,
Getting back up.
Our job is to help our kids learn the skills necessary to achieve developmentally appropriate independence.
This is something we have to assess at each age and stage of development.
Which tasks and responsibilities can I completely turn over to my child?
And which tasks are they not quite ready for,
But they can take an active role alongside me as they learn how to do.
When they aren't quite ready for complete independence on a task or responsibility,
We are side by side,
Working together so they are learning,
Building skills and greater capability,
Moving towards autonomy and growing their competence.
We are not carrying them and doing the work for them.
And if they are capable of doing something,
We are allowing them to do it completely independently because they can and should be doing it for themselves as part of growing up.
The invitation is to assess each year where your child is developmentally and decide which tasks and responsibilities they are ready to take on.
And then be consistent about insisting they do it for themselves.
Examples.
This approach is preparing your child a little more every year to one day step into their independent life as a capable,
Independent,
Resilient young adult.
