Moving Through Loss – With Travis And Lauren Eckstrom

At some point or another, we all face loss. Losing a loved one, a job, our health, or a vision for the future happens to all of us. Although it can be difficult to lose someone or something we hold dear, we can rest in the fact, we are never alone in moving through these difficulties. In this episode, Travis is joined by his wife Lauren Eckstrom.

Transcript

Ultimate, The best imaginable of its kind. Welcome to another episode of the Be Ultimate Podcast. My name is Travis Elliott, Yoga instructor, Meditation teacher and author. Each week we will explore personal growth, Awakening and all things ultimate. Thank you for joining me today. Now let the inspiration begin. Hey everybody, Welcome to episode number five, Moving Through Loss of the Be Ultimate Podcast. Today I have a special guest and her name is Lauren Eckstrom. Lauren, If you're unfamiliar, Is a yoga instructor. She's a meditation teacher and she was featured on the cover of actually a couple of yoga magazines including the Yoga Journal. She's the creator of Journey into Yoga. Journey into Yoga is a fabulous digital program that's 10 days. If you like to sweat but you like to sweat with meaning and sweat with soul, Check out that program. She's also the co-author of Holistic Yoga Flow, The Path of Practice. She's a co-founder along with myself of Inner Dimension TV. If you've been under a rock or living in a cave and you don't know, She's also my wife. So it was just a matter of time before we could get Lauren onto the podcast. So Lauren, Thank you for joining us today. Thank you for having me. So this is kind of a weird and strange and awkward and uncomfortable podcast. Just to provide you a little bit of context, Hopefully that didn't scare you away. Hang in there. But just to give you a little bit of context, Lauren and I originally wanted to do an episode on healthy relationships and we had met and we had talked about what we could cover in that podcast and in that subject. And then literally the next day, The day that we were going to film that podcast, Something happened, Something that was very, Very extremely challenging and disappointing and also sad. And so the universe kind of put the kibosh on the original plan. Is that a word, Kibosh? Okay, Thank God. So we had to change plans and I'm going to let Lauren talk about this story that really has to deal with some loss that we moved through recently. And I think just to start off by saying we could have gone with our original plan to come on and talk about what we thought we were going to talk about, That we could have proceeded in speaking about our practice in cultivating a strong, Healthy relationship. But the more time we spent after getting the news that we received, The more we realized that that wasn't actually authentic to what we were moving through. And the best that we could do is to navigate the moment of time that we were in and then come here and be honest and vulnerable and authentic with you guys in the hopes that what we've moved through can support you wherever you are in your life. So on December 20th, We found out that we were pregnant and expecting a baby. And so we were really excited, Something that we've thought about for a long time, But for so many reasons, The timing hadn't been right. And toward the end of last year, It really was. And we got this news and it made for a really special holiday season. We kept the news very private and told just a very small group of close family members, Really just our moms and a couple of very dear friends. And the day before we were going to record our next podcast on February 7th, We got the news that at 11 weeks, Our baby no longer had a heartbeat. And so we navigated this time of uncertainty and of pain and of loss and of grief. And it's been a journey. The reality is I've had a lot of experience with loss and grief the last several years that many people who follow me or read my article in yoga journal, Or have read my blog know that I lost my father two years ago, But this loss was very different. And the experience of grief was very different. And it's been painful and also beautiful. And I think that that's what we wanted to be able to sit and share with anybody who might be listening that the practices that we have, Whether for you, It's the physical practices of yoga or the seated practices of mindfulness and meditation, That they rise to support us in these moments. And this is why we practice and it gives us the ability to deepen how we hold paradox in life, That we can have something so incredible and precious and exciting, And we can lose it. And inside of that grief and that trauma and fear and all of the complexities that go along with an experience like that, That we're able to hold both. Yeah, So obviously, It's just disappointing news to receive. And the crazy thing was about two weeks before we found out, We had been to the doctor and we had our first ultrasound done and we had the pictures and everything and things are looking good. Things were on track and we were mapping out our whole entire future based around bringing life into this world. So we were scheduling when we are going to go on certain trips and then we have to cancel certain things. We were cleaning out closets in the room to make room and space for the baby and all the baby's stuff. Not only were we thinking about a few months down the road, But we were thinking next year and the year after. And we just really had this whole vision of how things were going to unfold. And when we found out the news, It was like the rug had just been pulled out from underneath us. And I know for myself, It felt like I was in this constant free fall and that there was no ground underneath me. And for days and days and days, I just felt like totally out of my body. And it's emotional because you're dealing with loss. And the reason why we felt inspired to really talk about this and do this podcast is really because we all face loss. And sometimes that's losing a baby or a loved one or our health or whatever it is. But part of this human experience is dealing with loss. And even though these things happen when you're in the middle of it, You forget what it feels like to lose something. And you forget what it's like to be in a state of normalcy. So what was your experience like? Maybe day one, Day two, Day three. What was your journey like from finding out to the process of what you went through? And I think it's more complex even than that. For anybody that has been pregnant or has been with a partner who's moved through pregnancy, You feel pregnant. Your moods are changing. My body was changing really quickly. My energy level, The level of fatigue, The type of nourishment I was needing, Whether that was rest or literally taking food in. Sick, Not just in the morning, But really all of the time. And you really feel life growing inside of you. And yet we know that as a culture, We hold this time really preciously because unfortunately things like this happen and it's one in four pregnancies that this happens with. And we've gotten better as a society in terms of talking about it and sharing it in the aftermath, But it's an incredibly vulnerable time. And so then to have this type of loss, It's different than losing a loved one who you've spent a lifetime with. That when that loved one eventually passes and obviously depending on how they pass, You have a lifetime of memories together that you get to call on and cherish. And in a situation with a loss of a pregnancy, It's the loss of a future. And we weren't doing an international teacher training this year. We weren't doing many of the events that we would normally do because we had really planned that from June, July, Or August on, We were going to have an open schedule to be able to accommodate this new life. And so to get the news on day one, I was in a state of shock. Is really the only way to describe it. And there's a feeling for me of being numb, Almost like there was no emotion present. And you described it as being out of your body. And I felt maybe similarly, But I know that when you've been, When I've been in a car accident or something, Which hasn't been extreme, There is the sense of shock of not being able to feel into my body or feel into that moment. So that first day was stunning in that regard. And then as we continued to move through the process that we needed to move through, There was a deep allowing grief to move physically through my body, That at times there would be these moments of sorrow and heartache and tears that needed to come. And I think a lot of people that know me, I'm a grounded person. I've got really two feet on the earth and I think I can hold a lot of experiences at once. And I needed in the wake of this to let myself fall apart and to cry the tears that needed to be cried and to let those emotions literally move through my body and back out. And the way that I think about it is when animals get chased, You think about the African plains and when an animal gets chased at the end, When they escape, It's like they shake their whole bodies to release the trauma out. And that's what I felt like I was experiencing where these sudden hits of incredible sorrow and heartache, Of incredible grief would literally come into my body, Wave through me, Be processed through mostly tears or in our case talking. And then there would be a moment almost of relief like that had been let go. But the process of grief as many people know is not a one-stop shop that doesn't happen one time and then it's over and you get to move on. It's really been a day-to-day process where one day I feel, Okay, I've got my feet on the ground, I'm happy and I'm light and I'm energetic and I'm looking forward to a really beautiful future that I know we have. And then the next day I'm on my knees in tears. But all of this to be able to say that in the aftermath and coming back home together, There are things that we can touch into that make it possible to navigate this with grace. And one of those things for me, And I won't speak for you, But I think it's true for you too is that we really trust the timing of our lives. I believe that God, The universe, Whatever you want to call it, The quantum field, Nature is loving. And I trust that this is happening not necessarily for a reason. I think that that's hard for people to hear that bad things happen and it's part of being human. It was the Buddha's first noble truth. Life is suffering. And yet I have a deep trust that when the time is right, The time will be right. And inside of that deep trust is also the gratitude that I feel for the resources that we have access to the community, The friends, The family, Each other, But also the medical staff and the people that we interacted with who were so full of love and compassion and were so timely and urgent in their responses and communicative and to have access to resources like that is a privilege. And I recognize that not everybody in the world has access like that. And I feel a profound sense of gratitude for how we were then cared for through this process. And so part of that self soothing has been continuing to reaffirm. I trust the timing of my life. I have a growth mindset, Which means that this happened. This was really hard and has tested me in a way unlike I have ever been tested before, But I will grow from it and I will learn from it. I will be better for it. I'm stronger for it. I am certainly increasingly compassionate and empathetic for all people who navigate loss. And I feel grateful that inside of something so hard that there is still a deep sense of gratitude present for me. Track tracking a little bit, You know, You're the kind of person that when you deal with a challenge that very often you want to get back to business as usual. So back to teaching class, Back to almost like just shutting that out, Like putting your blinders on and just shutting out whatever that challenge or difficulty was. But you didn't this time. And I wonder if you could talk a little bit about what you wanted to do and then what you didn't do. Because I feel like there's probably a lot of people listening or watching that can really resonate that when something difficult happens, Like you want to spiritually bypass and not feel the grief, Like not feel the emotions, But really how it's so important and why it's so important to not run away from the emotion and how the grief is really a healthy way of moving through the difficulty. So could you talk a little bit about that process? So if the term spiritual bypass is new for you, What spiritual bypassing means is that something happens in life. You get sick, You get news like this, And instead of confronting it head on, You put on your rose colored glasses and say, I'm fine, It's fine, Everything's fine, And move on as though everything were normal and not handle what's actually present for you in your life and your mind and your body and in your heart. And anyone who comes to classes with me, Sits meditation with me or reads the things that I've shared knows that this is a subject that I talk about a lot. And so as this news came forward and needing to really deal with it, It was important for us as a couple and as a unit to hold each other accountable to not spiritually bypassing. And I feel so grateful to have a partner like you who steeped in these practices, Who knows me so well and supported me in not doing that. Because the reality is that the type of personality that I have and the way that I have moved through so much of my life, Especially my youth, The patterns that I've learned, What would have been easier would have been to throw myself head first into my work and filling up the year and then filling up those spaces that were empty so that they didn't feel so empty going and teaching and scheduling clients. It would have been in some ways easier to do those things because then you don't have to feel, I wouldn't have to feel what I was feeling. And instead I took a week off, Canceled all of my classes, All of my clients, Stayed home, Took hot baths, Cried and went and did things with you. And we went out and we went hiking and not strenuous, But long slow walks through the Santa Monica mountains. Some days it was clear and beautiful and really the day that we got this news, That's what we did. We got the news that our baby no longer had a heartbeat and we left the hospital and we went to the mountains and we walked and walked and walked and we came around a bend and there's a bench there that overlooks the Pacific ocean. And we sat and we looked out on this stunningly beautiful day where you could see all the way across the horizon. And we sat and we looked at each other and said, This is beautiful. It's so beautiful today. And my heart hurts so much and I am in so much pain. And this is what it is not to spiritually bypass, To let yourself feel what you're feeling rather than filling up your life with distractions. Because what we know is that if we stuff those things down and we don't deal with them, They will come back to haunt us. It might manifest in the body as disease or illness. It might manifest in your mind or in your heart as anxiety or depression. And even though in the face of grief, It can feel like I won't be able to handle this. Like if I open these doors and I let myself start crying, I'm never going to stop crying. We do. It moves through us. We shed the tears. The body goes through the mind. The heart goes through what it needs to go through. And then it comes to a place at least of momentary completion. And we've dealt with it in the moment rather than waiting for it to manifest somehow down the road in a way that might have really painful ramifications or you think about even in terms of our relationship that not dealing with that head on down the road could hurt us as a couple and result in resentment or upset and something that puts a rift between us. And instead of allowing that to happen, We allowed this to bring us closer together and as a unit to see each other's vulnerability. And this was why I haven't gone out and shared that this happened on my own, That this happened to both of us. It didn't just happen to me. Yes, It happened to my body and that's something I have to hold and heal. But this happened to us together and you have grief and heartache and it's been equally as challenging for you as it has been for me. And so we really use this time to drop everything, All of our obligations, Rescheduled meetings, Rescheduled anything that we had to just be together and at times cry and at times just turn on the TV for a little while, Which was helpful in certain moments to eat good food, To get out in nature and maybe hardest and most painfully was to sit and chant and pray that night that everything came to a head. And that broke my heart open. I sat and as we chanted, Cried and cried and cried and cried. And I haven't grieved like this really ever in my life. Yeah, I mean, I could not even think about teaching yoga. Like I couldn't even think about providing for other people or holding space for other people because I was struggling and it was all that I could do to hold it together for myself and to be there to support you the best that I could. So I definitely had to clear the schedule. I had to get subs for my classes. Fortunately I'm in a position where I could do that because I had to really just step back and go through that process of really grieving. And I think that that evening, I remember when we were thinking about doing it, We were like, Should we chant in honor of this life that had come into our lives for a short period of time? And we just felt like we needed to do something special, Like a ritual of some sort to just honor this spirit and this soul that had come. And we were like, Should we chant? And we were both like a little hesitant about it because we knew like that we would be moving into the sadness and into the grief and into that fear really of feeling what was there. And I hadn't cried this whole process. Like I felt emotional and there were times where like those tears were starting to bubble up and those emotions were coming up. But being a guy and we live in a culture where masculinity, You're not really encouraged to be emotional and you're taught that to be a man, You got to suppress your emotions to be strong. And so I had fallen into that program for a lot of this process. But as soon as we started chanting, Like the floodgates were open and it was raw and it was real and it was deep, But it was also incredibly beautiful in a way. Like it hurts so, So, So much to sing and to feel those emotions. But within that was like this depth of like, This is exactly the best thing that we could have done to honor this beautiful being. And to heal, To really, Really, Really heal. And it took a life of its own. Like I remember we just kept singing and singing. I don't even remember how long it was, But it must've been, I don't know, 30 minutes, 40 minutes. There was that part of me that didn't want it to stop because it felt like so much was coming out. And I remember that night, Like just, We went to bed pretty soon afterwards and I was just wrecked. Like I felt like a ton of bricks in my heart, But I also felt like I'd run like a, You know, A marathon. Like I felt like exhausted, But also like something had been cleared. And that next day or the day after that, I ended up going back to class and I was at Santa Monica Power Yoga and we have this store in the front of Power Yoga and Jody who runs a store is like really big and the crystals and stones and makes jewelry out of all these sacred rocks. And I just got this hit to buy something from her store that would be a symbol to honor that being. And Lauren had actually, She didn't tell me, But she had actually gone and kind of done something similar. She found a sacred stone and made jewelry out of it. But I felt like we needed something in our home, On our altar, That was a symbol of the love that we felt for this being. Now I'm getting emotional. So we bought this symbol that we'll forever have and keep. And it'll always be a reminder of this baby, This life. And for whatever reason, It just wasn't meant to be. And you know, Sometimes people say, Well, Everything happens for a good reason. I've always said that to my friends, To support them. Everything happens for a good reason. But the truth is, Sometimes people go through horrific things. Like Travis, My brother got murdered. How did that happen for a good reason? Or Travis, I went through sexual abuse when I was a kid. Why did that happen for a good reason? And it's not that everything has to happen for a reason, But everything has meaning in it. And we may not know in the midst of going through that difficulty and that loss of struggle, But within all things are teachings and opportunities to grow. And I wonder if you could talk a little bit about that, The rabbi that talks about the prayers on the heart. Could you share that story? Because I think it has something to do with kind of what we're talking about. I think it taps into the emotion behind the chanting. There's a beautiful story where students had come to their teacher and their teacher said, Memorize your prayers and imprint them onto your hearts. And the students said, Why would we imprint our prayers onto our hearts rather than in our hearts? And the teacher said, Because one day when your heart breaks, They'll be ready to fall in. And so what I know for myself is that we chanted and we chanted and I cried and I cried and I woke up the next day and I felt good. You know, I felt alive and energized and connected and light. And it was raining here. It's been raining so much recently and we put on all of our rain gear and we went out and we walked for four or five miles in the rain and no one else was out there. And I felt the best I felt in weeks. She wanted to keep walking for miles and miles and miles. Like she didn't want to stop. You're like the energizer buddy that day. And I think to say to anybody out there who's experiencing any pain, Any grief, Any fear, Any loss, Allowing yourself to feel the depth of what is present for you, Have it move through your body. Let yourself have your heart break open. Trust that your practices will be there to fall in. And on the other side, It's worth it to have felt what it means to really be human, To have moved through something so fully and vulnerably and courageously and not to have pushed the pain away. And I think that there's a balance here between having something that happens to you and staying stuck in the story of it. Because I could make myself a victim of this. I could keep living in this story of how this happened to me and the pain. And I could keep going into the past, But now my practice, Now that I've allowed myself to feel what I need to feel and to keep feeling as it continues to kind of ebb and flow and rise to the surface. But now my practice really is to hold myself so tenderly and so compassionately for what I've moved through and for what we've moved through and to look forward into the future and to make sure that my thoughts support me in the future that I want to create for myself, That I'm not getting stuck in the story of being a victim of my experience. And I'm looking and seeing all the ways that I'm doing my best and being healthy and connected and taking care of myself. I've been going to class, I went to your class. I never get to do that. I went and got a massage. And to say again that these practices of self care, They don't have to cost you a penny, But they are the key to moving on in a way that really takes care of what it is you want to create. Who do you want to be? What's the story that you want to write? And see that future and start living into it because if you don't step in and put your practice into action, The past will pull you back and we can relive these traumas forever and really re-traumatize ourselves again and again and again. And so you keep asking this question, Who do I want to be? What do I want to create? What am I moving toward? And letting our practices support us in that. Beautiful. Yeah, I think that the takeaways that we learned and that we can pass on is one, You're not alone. Part of this human experience is dealing with gain and loss, Pleasure and pain, Birth and death, Health and sickness. This is part of the ticket that we took when we decided to take this human form. So in those moments of dealing with loss or struggle, You're not alone. And I always think back to our teacher Jack Kornfield and how he so eloquently talks about how grieving is our birthright, That we deserve to grieve, That grieving is part of the process of deep healing and awakening and transformation. And as Lauren said, To not stay stuck in the story of the challenge of the loss because then you go into that downward spiral. But to feel what you're feeling, To be present to what's there, To not push anything away, To not cling to anything, Those moments where you're in the middle of it and you kind of feel sort of good and sort of normal, To not cling to that because that's going to change. But to just simply mindfully be with what's there and you'll feel those natural tides of emotions and that it is a rollercoaster. And to be grateful for what you have. I think we took a lot of this for granted. I think we just felt like this kind of thing could never happen to us. And honestly, We didn't want to do this podcast at all. I basically had to drag Lauren to do this because we're kind of private people and this is vulnerable and it's difficult. And I guess what really inspired this to still happen was that we felt like, Hey look, If it can be useful to at least one other person out there in the world that's listening and they're going through something like this, Then it's totally worth it. So I feel like the next time we get pregnant that I'm going to have a whole other level of gratitude and reverence for the process because I just took it for granted. Yeah, We're going to have a healthy baby. It's all going to go good and then we're going to do this and do this and do that, Connect the dots. And that's not how life always goes. So when we do hopefully have a healthy baby, I'm just going to appreciate it really that much more. And I'm also grateful for you and getting to have you in this partnership just makes it a lot more graceful because not everybody has somebody that maybe they can go to. Hopefully you do. Hopefully you can find a good friend or a family member because I think it is important to connect with somebody that you know has wisdom and has a good perspective and they're steady and stable that you can go to because this does need to be shared and it needs to be expressed. And adversely on the other side, One of the greatest gifts that we can give somebody else is just the gift of listening. So you may have somebody in your life that's really going through something and when they come to you to just be there to listen to them, To really be present, That that presence is a present to somebody, It's a gift to somebody. And that really at the end of the day, All things are impermanent. All things are impermanent. All things will pass. At some point, Everything goes away. And I don't say that to make you depressed or to be all doom and gloom, But I say that to again just point to the reality that there's so much that we can take for granted and to really be grateful for this life, This breath, Your loved ones, The fact that you can go move your body and take a hike or if you do get pregnant and you do have a healthy baby, Be grateful for that or if you are with somebody who's passing away that you get those moments as Lauren did with her father to cherish those last moments. So is there anything that you feel like you want to share before we wrap this up? I think just the two things that come to mind to ground this into practice. There's a teaching in Buddhism of the second arrow. There's the thing that happens to us. So in our case, The loss of this baby, That's the first arrow and things are going to happen to us throughout the course of life. We're going to get sick, We're going to die, We're going to lose loved ones, We're going to lose a job, We're going to go through financial strife, Whatever the thing might be that happens to you. That's that first arrow. But what we tend to do is we aim a second arrow into our hearts and we make it harder for ourselves by saying, I'm so stupid, How could I have let this happen? There's something wrong with me. This is only happening to me. I'm the only one going through this. This is my fault. I'm to blame. And we get caught in this inner criticism, Judgment, Blame, And shame, And we make things so painful for ourselves. And so part of now my practice is really watching when am I shooting that second arrow into my heart with my thoughts? And I have to ask the question again and again, Is this thought useful? And if it's not useful, I need to let that thought go. Or I need to go to somebody who I trust and who I love, A dear friend or in my case, Travis, But maybe for you, A friend, A family member, A partner, And say, This is coming up for me and can you help me in this moment? And really for us, That ties into this practice in the philosophy of yoga called praktipaksha bhavana, Which means to replace a negative thought with its opposite. And the way that I really look at this is yes and. So the yes is a way of saying there's pain here right now. My heart is hurting. I'm grieving so that I don't spiritually bypass that I own the experience that I'm having in the moment. And then looking forward to what's next. So in this case, Yes, We lost this baby and my heart is broken and I trust the timing of my life. I trust that even though I don't know why this is happening right now, I will grow from it. I will learn from it. I will be better for it. And when I do welcome a new life in, I will be that much more grateful, Joyous, Excited. And now I look around the world and everyone I see walking down the street driving, I have such appreciation for every human life. Every human was carried by a woman and brought into this world, Bared into this world. And that's a beautiful thing. And we take it for granted. We forget that every human being came forward this way. And so just to say that, Watch what happens in your mental space. Look at how you add to your suffering. Talk to a friend, Take care of your thoughts, Write them down. If you need to start to replace them and reinforce the things that are working and give yourself that time in those moments of challenge to really apply your practice, But it's deep behavioral change. It's re-patterning of the brain and it can be hard at times. And that's okay. Again, Like Travis said, You're not alone in that. It's like learning a new yoga pose. It takes time. And we're here for you inside of that. Thank you so much for sharing that wisdom and especially sharing the practices that people can actually do the yes and, And the praktipaksha bhavana, Which hopefully we'll talk more about on a future podcast because that's a game changer. So I think that we can wrap things up. How can people find you if they want to find you and learn more about what you have created and what you're doing in the world? You can find me everywhere at Lauren Ekstrom, So on social media and online, Lauren Ekstrom. Com. Lauren Ekstrom. Com. All right, Well let's finish with the ultimate prayer, Shall we? May we bring strength where there is weakness. May we bring courage where there is fear. May we bring light where there is darkness and may we bring compassion where there is suffering. May we be ultimate. All right you guys, That is it for episode number five. Thank you so much for tuning in. So I hope that if you know anybody in your life that is dealing with loss, That you could share this with them. If you find that to be useful and to be helpful. If you want to experience the full on experience of the Be Ultimate podcast, Check out thebeultimatepodcast. Com where we have the podcast audio, We have the videos. If you're listening on iTunes or something, This is also up on YouTube. If you feel like you want to go back and watch, We'll have shareable quotes. And I don't know if we'll have a transcript for this or not, But we might. And if we do, Then you can see everything written out in a written form. If you're listening on iTunes, Please subscribe. Please leave a review. If you're watching on YouTube, Subscribe to the channel, Hit the link below. Feel free to leave us a comment. And then lastly, We have our upcoming events. Both Lauren and I are going to be at the Toronto Yoga Conference, March 28th through the 31st. Then the next month, April 26th through 28th, We'll be in Columbus, Ohio. May 17th through the 19th, We'll be in Hollowell, Maine. And then at the end of May, May 25th through the 31st, We have a yoga retreat to Portugal. We have two spots left for that. So if you're interested, Feel free to jump on that. And that's our upcoming events. You can also practice with us online at Inner Dimension TV. And that's it. We'll see you next time. Thank you, Lauren, For being on the show. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Fred.

Reviews

I found this profound and very touching ,thank you both for sharing so deeply.