Returning To The Body: Living Through Racial Trauma & Violence (Talk & Meditation)

The impact of racial trauma and violence on the physical bodies of Black and Brown people is significant. Tracey Michae'l candidly shares her own story of learning to return to her body through prayer/ meditation, EMDR, and bodywork. This heARTtalk podcast episode closes with a meditation for Black people navigating a world often bent on their dehumanization.

Transcript

Welcome to Heart Talk.

I'm your host,

Writer,

Educator,

And creator,

Tracy Michelle.

Fordi Bessel van der Kolk in his book The Body Keeps the Score writes,

Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies.

The past is alive in the form of gnawing,

Interior discomfort.

Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs,

And in an attempt to control these processes,

They often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside.

They learn to hide from themselves.

I think,

No,

I know that this bodily insecurity,

This sense of being unsafe and unsteady is something that many black people deal with on a regular basis.

These feelings,

Traumatic in source,

Are amplified if one has been subject to regular racial microaggressions or worse,

Racial violence.

It's only been within the last year that I've understood what this meant.

On October 24th,

2018,

I received a call that shifted everything that I understood about being safe in this world.

As a person who'd already dealt with trauma in the form of sexual abuse and assault,

I'd begun to make the connection between my chronic pain and trauma.

In fact,

This was when I was first introduced to the work of Van der Kolk and others like him.

At that point,

I'd had about three years of talk therapy and had begun to unpack the anger and sorrow that kept fear an ever-constant presence in my life,

Despite what I looked like on paper.

However,

On October 24th,

2018,

And all the days after,

I was confronted with what happens when unrealized,

Unfelt anger meets unimaginable grief.

On that day,

A white man attempted to open the doors of my parents' church.

He could have been someone needing help.

In that case,

Stating that he was white would be unnecessary,

I suppose.

He could have been someone needing prayer,

Needing a loving conversation.

He could have been an innocent person in need in the same way that Dylann Roof could have been simply someone needing a word from the Lord when he sat in that pew at a manual African Methodist Episcopal church in Charleston,

South Carolina.

Unfortunately,

That wasn't the case in either instance.

The man who attempted to open the doors of my parents' church,

My parents were there for midday Bible study only a couple of hours earlier,

But could not enter because the doors were locked,

Only a few minutes later,

Walked into a Kroger grocery store and opened fired.

In the store,

He killed a black man,

A loving grandfather who was shopping for school supplies with his grandson.

Upon running out of the store,

He comes across a white man who was also carrying a gun and had pulled it out.

He said to the man,

Don't worry,

I'm not going to hurt you.

You're white.

At least according to witnesses,

This is true.

A few moments later,

He happened upon a black woman by her car and shot her also.

She died.

So did the grandfather.

That woman was my cousin,

Vicki Jones.

I remember hearing about the shooting in the Jefferson Town neighborhood in Louisville,

Kentucky where I'd grown up and immediately called my family,

Posted on Facebook for friends to check in.

The grocery was across the street from my parents,

One that I'd been to many times when I'd visit home.

I was still somewhat though disconnected from the shooting.

I mean,

I was just doing what you do,

Right?

You check on your people.

Maybe that's the price that one pays for living in a country where mass shootings have become a strange kind of norm.

But then I got the call.

I learned that it was Vicki.

I called her Aunt Vicki because she was my mom's age,

But she was my cousin in actuality,

But that's what black folks do.

I remember sitting on the floor of my kitchen,

Just crying,

Wailing.

I remember getting angry with myself for all those times that I didn't visit or call or stop by.

I would later learn that the grief that settled into me that day would find the best dance partners in the anger and sorrow that had already lived in my body for many,

Many years.

Through deep trauma work like EMDR,

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing,

And later the body work like acupuncture and all kinds of massage therapy treatments,

I am learning how the trauma has truly trapped itself in my body.

This is not hocus pocus.

I know some of my folks are like,

Oh,

That's that new age stuff.

I am living proof that it's not.

I spent the last six months of 2019 on medical leave with unnamed illnesses or illnesses that were named that should not have had the magnitude of response in my body that it did.

These were illnesses that were definitely not just in my mind,

But unfortunately,

I had difficulty in getting those diagnoses from even top doctors.

If I'm honest,

I also during this time struggled some as a creative.

See,

I've always argued against writer's block because I believe that as long as you have words,

You can put them down,

Right?

And putting down any old words has it and wasn't my issue.

I'd been doing this thing for a long time,

But the challenge I would later learn is in the organization of those words and the effectiveness of those words,

The creation process that allows the words to do what I need them to do to move or inspire,

Entertain or educate.

I could feel those blocks in my body.

I could feel those blocks in my mind and I didn't know what to do with it.

And it's only recently as I've begun to again actively work toward moving this trauma out of my body and come to terms with my fear,

My sense of security,

All of that,

That I've been open enough to return to my creative process and produce in the ways that I am proud of.

HeartTalk fam,

The body remembers,

The body always remembers.

For black Americans,

It's critical to consider the impact of how racial microaggressions,

Those awful daily slights that we endure,

Systemic inequities and larger demonstrations of racial violence are impacting our health.

Our bodies are remembering,

Sometimes as far back as the generations before us.

As a matter of fact,

Transgenerational trauma is real.

At the cellular level,

We carry stuff from our mothers and our mothers,

Mothers,

Mothers and our fathers and our fathers,

Fathers,

Fathers.

Gerard Fromm did a study and wrote that what human beings cannot contain of their experience,

What has been traumatically overwhelming or unbearable,

Unthinkable falls out of the social discourse but very often onto and into the next generation as an effect of sensitivity or a chaotic urgency.

I also think it shows up as generation after generation of issues with the body and brain.

And as far as some unavoidable pathologies,

Sometimes physical resistance,

For black people,

The transgenerational trauma is real.

One of the things I found so interesting in all my reading on the topic was a study done by Lillian Comas does on racial trauma and it said that race-based traumatic stress trauma differs from post-traumatic stress disorder,

PTSD,

In that victims are exposed to constant racial microaggressions.

So here's what I'm thinking.

Whereas a person with PTSD,

And I'm a person who lives with PTSD,

Has one or a few events in the case of complex PTSD that is then relived over and over again via the body and brain's response to events that are similar or triggering,

A person with race-based traumatic stress gets hit with a new event constantly in the form of microaggressions or racial violence or racial trauma.

I personally call them body blows.

So Tracy,

You're asking me,

What do we do with all of this?

Well,

This answer may seem simple,

But I just think that it is the answer.

We heal the best we can.

I just read something from at rest.

Digest on Instagram that drove all of this home for me.

She wrote that the nervous system of a child develops in relationship with its mother.

This process begins in utero and continues over the first two years of the child's life.

So just think about the relationship that you have with your mother and what you may have marinated in as a child.

She goes on to write,

We find our identity and sense of safety in relationships.

As such,

We regulate together,

Meaning that one person's nervous system affects another.

In the presence of some people,

We feel calm and the converse is also true.

When you heal your own nervous system,

You transmit that healing to your children,

Which influences their children.

Some even argue that it heals the generation before you too.

Wow.

One of the ways that I found helpful to deal with these body blows is through centering prayer and meditation.

To get still for a moment and to realize that in that particular moment,

I am safe in my body and that whatever might happen in the future is not in my control and whatever has happened in the past can no longer hurt me.

That has been something that has helped me tremendously in navigating my own,

What I call gas,

Grief,

Anger,

And sorrow.

So in closing this episode of Heart Talk,

I'd like to actually do a brief body awareness meditation practice that really anyone can do,

But is specifically designed for black people who are managing in a world that can sometimes seem to be in constant resistance to our very being,

A world that can feel dehumanizing.

This meditation is designed to help us return to our bodies to feel human again.

So feel free to either sit upright with your feet firmly grounded on the floor or if you feel better laying down in a comfortable position,

You can do that also.

If you can,

If you feel safe enough,

Close your eyes or focus your gaze on one small point ahead of you.

Feel the connection between your body and the floor or the chair.

Pay attention to each point that connects your body to that surface.

Begin to feel the heaviness of your body sinking into the floor.

You don't have to be afraid of the weight of your body,

The weight of your soul,

The weight of your mind.

Trust that whatever surface you are on,

It can hold you.

The chair can hold you.

The floor,

The bed,

It can hold you.

Release and relax into that.

Now give your attention to the breath.

Notice the belly rising and falling as you inhale and exhale.

Breathe in through the nose and release it through the mouth.

You don't have to fear opening your mouth.

You don't have to fear the release.

Begin to feel the lightness of your body as you bring awareness to your breath.

The body is completely relaxed.

Your mind,

It may try to go off on a tangent.

That's totally okay when you notice it.

Just bring it back.

Your body may be feeling light.

You might feel like you're floating.

Maybe it's a little bit of a contrast from the heaviness of just before.

That's okay.

It's okay to feel light.

Bring awareness to your toes.

Pay attention to your toes.

Feel the toes on your right foot.

Envision your toes that are attached to your feet.

Feel the toes on your left foot.

Then move to your heel.

Pay attention to your heel.

The sole of your foot.

The ankle.

Put both feet together and feel your feet.

Now let's move up a little bit and just pay attention to your shin and then your calf muscles.

Continue to inhale and exhale and breathe into those places.

Then bring your attention to your knees.

Sometimes we hold our knees tight,

Our thighs tight.

We don't even realize it.

It's a kind of protection.

Then our butt,

Our pelvis,

That whole region.

Just release it.

Pay attention to if there's any tension or tightness there.

Then breathe into it and then relax.

Then bring your attention to your hips and your lower back.

Then the middle of your back where there may be tightness or tension.

We've had our backs against the wall for a long time.

We keep it tight because we don't know what's coming.

In this moment we can release it.

We can relax.

Then just bring your attention to your whole back and just relax it.

Now bring your attention to your left shoulder and then your right shoulder.

Sometimes our shoulders end up near our ears because we have so much tension,

So much fear.

Simply just allow your shoulders to become heavy.

Now let's pay attention to our upper arm.

Let's release that muscle.

Then our elbow and then our lower arms.

Then our wrists and now our hands.

Allow our hands to be loose.

Now just consider our right hand and our left,

Our whole arm.

Now consider both of our arms together.

Pay attention and release and relax.

Bring your attention to your chest.

As you're breathing,

Pay attention to the rise and fall of it.

Notice it.

Then your belly.

Again the rise and fall.

You are well all is well.

Pay attention to the whole front of your body.

Now even as you continue to breathe,

Bring your attention to your neck.

This is another place where there's a lot of tension.

A lot of times we're holding ourselves together in the face of such dehumanization and violence.

Just release and relax in this moment.

You are safe in this moment.

Bring your attention to the back of your head.

Then your brows.

I know I stay in a furrowed brow.

Just release your brows.

That space between your brows allow it to just be free.

Then I want you to consider the whole of your face.

Your tongue.

Remove your tongue from the top of your mouth and just let it settle in your mouth.

Your lips and your nose.

Release the tightness that might be there.

Bring your attention to the whole of your head.

Your face,

Your head,

All of it.

Then just allow it to just be and relax.

Feel the lightness of your whole body.

Allow it to sink heavy into the floor.

It's a paradox.

I'm saying feel heavy sink into the floor and yet there's lightness in doing that.

No one can take this bodily presence from you.

They may try.

They will try.

But they will not succeed because you are contained.

Because you are yours.

Because you are loved and God is present.

Be still love.

Be whole.

Be human.

You can begin to make some small movements now.

Open your eyes or shift your gaze.

I wish you all grace and peace for the rest of your day.

Thank you.

Heart Talk is written and produced by my mommy Tracey Michelle Lewis-Jiggits for Heart Space and New Season Books and Media.

Go to hearttalkpodcast.

Com to learn more.

See you next time.

Reviews

Thank you so much for taking the time to vulnerably share your lived experience and offer wisdom and education on how to heal racialized trauma. My initial reaction was anger at the injustice your community had to endure. As I was pointing a finger at the perpetrator you mentioned, I became highly aware that three more of my fingers were pointing back at me. As a White female, I have much to sit with, unlearn, unpack and discover in terms of my own implicit contribution to systemic oppression. Much work to be done and your willingness to courageously share has impacted me deeply. Wishing you continued healing. You have a beautiful gift in speaking and hope more people come to know you 🙏🏼

Thank you for sharing. The body definitely keeps count.

Wow.. thank you Tracey. This has opened my understanding! The trauma I’ve struggled with since a little girl is definitely my unique struggle. A terrible stutterer most of my life. My faith, counseling etc...is helping me with shame and knowing who my creator made me to be. I love everything you have shared. We are living in difficult times. It has helped me so much!! Thank you! 🙏❤️

I loved this, and would love more like this. I’ve been looking for meditations specific to what I’m going through with the trauma I’ve faced in my life as a Black woman. Thank you!

Thank you 💯 So grateful for the gift you share. 🙏🏼✨💝

Excellent. Thank you. Will listen again. It reminds me of a book “Black Rage”. I particularly enjoyed learning about the awareness you speak of relating to our traumas being inherited.... fascinating! Definitely believe there’s truth to it.
Namaste
🙏🏼💫🍂

Fantastic talk supported with the latest in neuroscience, body work, intergenerational trauma and effective healing practices. The meditation at the end was great too. Thank you for putting this together.

From Martin Luther King, Jr.: https://youtu.be/kTC3cieV_NA

Thank you for your tragic story and message of hope.

I was assaulted by Rutgers Newark Police on January 3, 2020. I’m grateful I had been in talk therapy with an amazing black woman therapist prior to the assault. I’ve been practicing connecting with my body and being present with the intention of not allowing this new trauma to imprint on my body. This piece was right on time! Thank you so much! I am going back to listen to it again with a note book so I can write down all the authors you referenced. Very informative and beautifully grounding meditation at the end❤️🖤💚 Ase!!

Thank you! I appreciate your vulnerability and recognize the wisdom in your words. May you find peace.