Decisions, Decisions: How To Align Life With Your True Self

We can awaken to our true nature through every life choice. A still, small voice gently speaks to each of us at a moment of decision about the path to freedom and true peace. This talk and meditation explore how to recognize that voice and provide practical advice when facing a life choice.
Note: This recording of a live talk contains some background noise.

Transcript

I worked as a refugee relief worker in southern Mexico. In the Guatemalan refugee camps there and the UN camps in the south of Mexico. And I went with a one-way ticket and an open-ended commitment. And after about three years in a job which I truly love, Both the work itself and. . . Living in the camp with the refugees. I noticed when I would come into town, And it's a small town, It had a bus station, And I noticed I would be very interested in the coming and going of the buses to the bus station. And I got interested in this. Why am I focused on these buses? And so I asked myself this question, Well, What am I experiencing? And it was actually a kind of lightness, An interest, Even a kind of like a little bit of joy watching the buses come and go. And for quite a while, I was trying to figure out why this was. This was quite unusual. It was not an extraordinary bus station by any measure. And one day I realized it was actually I really wanted to get on one of those buses and come back home. And it was rather striking to me because, As I mentioned, I bought a one-way plane ticket. I wasn't planning to leave, But I just had this sense, This kind of very gentle tugging, Like, You know, No, Guess what? It's time to go home. And I objected. I sort of fought with this feeling for a while because I was doing great work. There were many people who were depending on me. I had the ability to extend the stay for quite a while more, But I just kept that coming back to the same feeling over again, Which was, I really want to get on one of those buses. So one day I did. I did. And after wrapping up my time there, I did not have a job lined up for coming back to the United States. But somehow I felt like, Well, It just seems like it's the time. It just seems like it's the time. And one of the things about it, Too, I noticed was that there was nothing to compel me to leave. It wasn't as if someone would judge me poorly, Whether I stayed or I left. I could actually say no to this sort of gentle tugging, Right? I could say no. It would be completely fine. I could keep working. But I finally decided, Well, I think I'm going to see what happens. Right? I'm going to see what happens. So off I went. And, You know, We make decisions every day of our life. We make small decisions and then there are points in our life where we make bigger decisions, Some real turning points. And we're just going to explore that together a little bit about how we do that this evening. And to start that you just might pause for a minute and just think to yourself of some of the good things in your life right now. And think about. . . How they are the result of conscious decisions for you. And you might just recall one of those choices for yourself now and think about what that felt like, How it evolved for you. So just take a moment and call that to mind. This is the essence of karma. Karma has two halves. One half of karma is that The Buddha said that everything that happens is the result of certain conditions and causes. And so you can trace back anything that happened to that sort of decision tree about how it came about, Right? And then equally, The second half of karma is taking now and extending it out to the future. And for every one of those moves on the decision tree, Then of course you're going to move in a certain direction, And you're not going to move in a different direction. And karma has sort of a bad name because I think people focus on the first half of it. There being causes and conditions for everything that happens and feeling like then life is predetermined in a way. But that's just the first half. The second half of karma is this notion that you get to choose. Like you actually get to choose. Whether the next move you make will be based in some wholesome intention, Which will then move you in that direction, Or some unwholesome intention. And this is, I think, For anybody. A revolutionary discovery of that we've been handed these lives and allowed to make these choices that will fundamentally alter both what direction we go and also whether we're creating happiness or unhappiness for ourselves with each of those decisions. And the moves, I think, Are generally incremental and certainly without any ultimate endpoint in mind. But each one then moves in a certain direction and not another. I think that we can honestly say that we're all, Even though we've been doing this for quite a while, We're all in some ways still beginners. It feels like there's a certain freshness, At least for me when I'm making a decision, A sort of a freshness and an openness, But also maybe some concern, Some fear involved. And that question of, Well, What is it that's going to lead me as I step into the future, Is always fresh to me. There's a freshness and newness to it. There's the story of the prophet Elijah, And I don't know how many know this story, But Elijah goes up the mountain to listen for the voice of God. And so the first thing that happens is there's a strong wind that says is so strong as to rent mountains and to break into pieces the rocks. But it says that the voice of God was not in the wind. And then next came an earthquake and it shook the earth. But the voice of God was not in the earthquake either. And then finally said there was a huge fire. But the voice of God was not in the fire. And then finally, There was, It says, A still, Small voice, Or sometimes it's translated as a gentle whisper. And it says, That was where the voice of God was. So I think. One way to think about this is, Well, How do you tune to that gentle whisper? How do you start to recognize it and tune to it? Because it is the wisdom which is inside of you. Which is all the time speaking, But in that very quiet voice. One thing about this is that you can't figure it out with your mind. So if you set your mind to work and you say, For example, You say, Well, I would like to please identify the small, Still small voice, The whispering, And could you please explain that to me? The mind is completely confused about this. The third Zen patriarch said, Stop talking and thinking, And there is nothing that you will not be able to know. Stop talking and thinking. And this is, For people who are familiar with the Eightfold Path of the Buddha, Right effort is one of the factors in the Eightfold Path, Which is always this balance between providing some effort. There's a saying that only seekers will be enlightened, But you will never find enlightenment by seeking. So there is effort required, But you don't get there by effort. You don't arrive there by just pressing harder and harder on that choice. There's this, I don't know anything about seafaring, But I read once that if you're on night watch on a boat, That you should not look intently directly at the horizon because it's very hard to distinguish small objects on the horizon. That you should look above the horizon because then your mind will be distracted enough from the horizon itself that it will be able to detect the smallest objects on the horizon itself. But mostly, You know, I think we get this by the feel. I mean, This is really a felt sense. Like I said, It's not a thought experience. It really is a felt sense. And there's an old expression that everyone drinks. From their own well. Meaning that you don't get this by somebody else telling you, Even though lots of people usually have plenty advice when you're making a decision about what's best. You don't get it from somebody else. You get it from what's inside of you. So what is this? So what is this knowing, This certain kind of knowing, Which is not based in thought? This soft whisper. Another story, This is a story of a saint, Ignatius Loyola, Who got very interested in how to make good decisions. He grew up in the 16th century, With one goal in mind, Which was worldly honor and glory. He wanted to be a knight and a great warrior, A great military leader. And he spent his early life doing that, About 12 years. Really distinguishing himself in battle until one day. . . In battle, A cannonball went between his legs and shattered a bunch of bones. So he was laid up. And the first thing that gives you an insight into his personality was when he regained consciousness, He noticed that the doctors had not set one of his legs properly and that there would be some disfigurement that would be visible, You know, Once his leg healed. So he instructed, He was concerned about being in court and having his tights on and for people to look at his leg. And think ill of him. So he had the doctors re-break his leg in order because he was so vain that he would be able to. Put on his tights. And yeah, He would look good in tights, Precisely. So you get kind of a sense of this guy from this story. So it took about nine months for his leg to reheal. And he asked for some romantic novels, You know. Courtly romance and chivalrous tales. This is what he wanted. They had none of this. They had none of this on the show. They had a book about the saints. And it was a book about these lives of extraordinary generosity and dedication and love So he would sit and he would imagine first Daydreaming about romance and chivalry and then he would start looking at this book and he would read these lives and Then he got started get excited. Well, I mean this was like another kind of adventure This was a different kind of adventure, But it sort of struck him them. So he started going back and forth like this. You know, He started to, He would be thinking about romance and chivalry, And then he would be reading the lives of these extraordinary people. And what he started to notice, And what he started to observe, And this is also what he taught people throughout his life after that, Is that it was a very different experience inside. He watched very carefully the experience inside. Both of them started with a huge amount of energy. You know, Both of these sort of quests was presented with. But he said, After the first, Letting some time pass, They left him feeling dry and sad after some time passed. But the second, After some time, Left him with a feeling of peace and settledness and ease. And he called the first experience consolation, And he called the second desolation. Um. . . And so the idea was that nobody would have to tell him after this moment exactly what to do, Because he would simply ask this question, What is bringing me consolation? And what is bringing me desolation? Or like, Where can I hear that still small voice that's speaking to me? And where am I not hearing it? And he said, When a person experiences this consolation, It's a quiet, Unforced relief, As if you're returning to a familiar, Safe place after a long journey. That it is a homecoming. This is how he describes it. He also left this instruction. Which I've often gone back to myself, Which he said, When you have a major decision in your life. That you should always try to make it when you're in a period of consolation. When you're hearing that voice. And once you've made it. . . Then continue with some resolve. That that. Choice has been ratified for you. Whereas, If you fall into a period of desolation, Try not to change your resolve during that period, Because it can be very, Very disorienting. And hold on until you enter another period of consolation where you could then reconsider your choice if you like. This is from Ajahn Suchito, Who says, Wisdom is an innate faculty that is not just theoretical. It's like the discernment of a raccoon. Whose paws can distinguish between a rock and a clam in a stream, In a similar way that we have an awareness that is able to receive, And evaluate the states that come and go. This mental awareness has enough wisdom to recognize and resonate with qualities like kindness, Generosity, Truthfulness, And integrity. We know what goodness feels like when it occurs, Then we reflect and consider what charity rather than confusion gives us. I'd like to talk in this last part of the talk tonight about different sorts of decisions, And these are all from personal experience, I must say, And sort of how to work with these different ideas for these different kinds of decisions. The first is, A decision whether to keep going. Or make a decision, That is, Whether to keep going, At least for the time being, Without making any decision. And I think this is a very rich inquiry. The question, When your mind fills with ideas, Is anything really calling to me? Or is the mind, As it often will do, Simply looking for something other than what's here, Something different from what's here? This is a Peanuts cartoon, Four frames, First frame. Charlie Brown says, I am happy and content. Second frame. But I'm not euphoric. Third frame. I'm no longer content. I'm no longer happy. My day is ruined. Fourth frame. I should have stopped thinking while I was ahead. Hmm. So the mind is just this thought factory for things that you might do, Right? It's like asking chat GPT, How could I be happier? Which I actually tried last night. Here's what it said, It said. My question, What could make me even happier than I am now? Answer. More anticipation, More connection, More novelty, More purpose, More presence, More self-expression, More freedom, More generosity. And for myself, Even as I read these answers from chat GPT, I started kind of excited, You know, It's sort of a buzz. It's like, Yeah, Yeah, More connection. Yeah, I think I do need that, You know, More novelty. I mean, Yeah, Novelty. Novelty is good, Right? You know? I don't know how many have been on silent meditation retreats. I've been on a lot of them. But often when I'm on a silent meditation retreat, I'll get all these ideas about things to do. Project, Blazing insights about brilliant projects that I could engage in. And wow, Mine just fills with excitement. And after doing this for a while, I realized I have a routine now. I get out my journal. I write down the Blazing Insights, All of them. And then I close the book. I say, I've captured you, Blazing Insight. I'll be back to you later. And then at the end of the retreat, Or after a few days have passed, I'll open it up, Open them, And then I'll go through the list, You know. Some of them are pretty decent ideas, You know, Some of them, Yeah, Not so much. But it's rare that there's an idea there that I say to myself, Like, That's it, You know, That's it, Finally, I found you. And interestingly, When I first started doing retreats, There would often be an instruction at the end of the retreat when everyone's getting ready to leave, And you're talking about how to integrate the experience back into your life. The instruction was often, Do not resolve to do anything as a result of what you have experienced here. Which I found very curious because I thought, Well, I mean, You're on a silent meditation retreat. So I mean, It must be hooked up to something pretty good. So you would think, That's something you would have some resolve at the end of this, You know, You're either going to start a new job, Quit your old job, You know, Leave your partner, Get a new partner, Whatever it is, That you should go with that. And they were very, You know, They were very clear like, Do not do that. Weight. You know, Wait. Because if it is true, It will not go away. It will not go away. It will still be there, And you can come back to it again and again. It will have that stability to it that you know then, Is that still a small voice? So that's the first one, Is the decision not to make a decision. So the second one is when you have two good things, You have two good options, And you cannot choose between the two of them. For me, For whatever reason, These have been some of the hardest. Both are objectively good. But one option is going to eliminate the other, Maybe even for good. James Barris, The meditation teacher, Tells the story of he, At a young age, Had a variety of good career paths open to him. And he was completely confused about which is the best one and how to choose. And he heard about this psychic out in the Bay Area that could read your mind. So he decided to go out to talk to the psychic, Because the psychic was going to tell him what was the better thing. Because he was completely confused himself. So he went out. A little pricey, But he paid the psychic and told him his whole story and he listened very carefully to everything he said and considered deeply the choices and then he responded to James saying, It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter which one you choose. Very disappointing answer to James. He said, But what matters is that simply you back off and just allow it to happen, Whatever it is. Because the mind can really work you up with the sense of one thing, With two good things, That one has to be right and one has to be wrong. And if you mess it up, If you get it wrong, Then bad things are going to happen. I actually had an experience once where I had two job offers, Both things I wanted to do. And I was having a very difficult time going back and forth and back and forth. And I picked one. And then I contacted the person for the offer I was not taking. Who reacted very poorly and accused me of not negotiating in good faith with him. And he's a very influential person in my field. All of a sudden, What I thought was a very happy day turned into a horrible day. And I remember writing in my journal. My life is over. And the drama, I mean, Obviously the drama was just full blown. But when I looked at that, What I'd written in my journal, I realized, Wait a minute, It can't be that bad, Right? I mean, That's not true. I know that's not true. And long story short, The job was great. Everything worked out. Everything worked out well. So there's something very particularly painful about this notion that you can get it wrong. That there are a lot of voices, A lot of conditioning for all of us who tell us that you have to get it right. And if you get it wrong, Then Is your life going to be over? Maybe not, Right? Maybe not. But you decide, And then you live into the decision, And then you are able to discern what's next from there. All right, Last one. Is you have no idea what to do. No idea, No clue what to do. You feel no movement at all. You want to listen to this very gentle whisper. You're not hearing it, And you're not even sure where to look for it. And you're in a period of, Going back to this other system, You're in a period of desolation, Right? You're in a period of desolation. There is a capacity of the mind to provide you information. Tell you what to do. As we all know, You can make pros and cons. I'm sure we've all done this with decisions. You can refer to your ethical framework. Obviously, In Buddhism, There is an entire ethics which is centered on this notion of non-harming in the world. How you can do that in a passive way and also how you can do that in an active way, Non-harming. There's also the imagination. You can think about how you would advise a friend. There's even a meditation you can do about considering in your last days if you were to look back on your life. How would you view this decision, Or what would be important to you. So there's sort of information that you can get from that. But the other thing I would say is that there also is an element of faith. In Buddhism, There is this notion of taking refuge in the Dharma. And what does that mean? It means that you are taking refuge in this notion of there being a path. Path to awakening. And it's a path. The Buddha said, I wouldn't teach this stuff unless you, Meaning every person, Could do it. Right? It is inside you. It is innate inside you. And so taking refuge in the Dharma is this faith that, You know what? It's, First of all, It's going to be okay on a large sense, But also that all of this is inside of me. It's trying to manifest. And we need sometimes a lot of patience to wait for it to manifest. But it is, It is trying right now to manifest. Or this fundamental question too, And maybe another way to say it is, Are you gonna trust the voice of fear, Or are you going to trust the voice of faith? Because in a moment of desolation, I think you can have that fear. It's like, It's not happening. It's not going to work out. So is that a voice you can trust? You can ask yourself that question objectively. Is that a voice you can trust? This is from the author Parker Palmer, Who said, Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it. I must listen to my life telling me who I am. Again, Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am. Or finally, This quote from the book. Famous theologian Howard Thurman. Was very influential in the civil rights movement, Who, Speaking to a young activist who came to him, Was asking him this question of, Well, What should I do with my life? Where can I be of service? And I think. He was expecting that Howard Thurman. Legendary figure would tell him, Well, You know, Go do voter registration in Mississippi or go to Freedom Summer or whatever. And instead, Howard Thurman replied, Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it because what the world needs is people who have come alive. What the world needs is people who have come alive. So. . . Maybe we can just, Before we conclude, Just go back inside for a moment. If you like, You can close your eyes. Again, Just feel the body as it settles in the chair. Feel those points of contact and again, Feel the groundedness as you just take a few deep cleansing breaths. And just allow that. That inquiry to drop right now for you, That what is that thing which makes me most come alive. The thing that most makes me come alive. Or where is that voice most heard in my life right now? And if this talk has brought up for you any choice that you are considering, Where might you be hearing that quiet, Whispering voice? Or what might help you. To listen to it. And be more fully alive.