Today we're talking about something that I've been processing a little over the last couple weeks.
Enhancing emotional regulation,
Not from a place of control or suppression,
But from connection and compassion.
This is about getting curious with the parts of us that feel big things and struggle to stay grounded when they do.
Let's start with this.
Every one of us has parts that struggle to regulate emotions.
Maybe it's the anxious part that spins out when plans change.
Maybe it's the angry protector that jumps in when we feel misunderstood.
Maybe it's the young tender exile that gets flooded with shame.
In internal family systems,
We're not trying to get rid of these parts.
We're trying to be with them in a new way.
Emotional regulation isn't about shutting down feelings.
It's about being in relationship with them.
Here's some key ideas that may be helpful.
Number one,
Regulation begins with relationship.
When a part's activated,
The first step is simply acknowledging it.
Oh,
I see you,
Part of me that's panicking right now,
For example.
That's a form of regulation.
It tells the part,
You're not alone.
Second,
Self-energy is a regulator.
Self,
Calm,
Curious,
Compassionate,
Brings balance.
We don't have to force anything.
When self is present,
Parts begin to settle.
That's the beauty of this work.
It's not effortful in the traditional sense.
It's relational.
Number three,
Everyone has a pattern.
Most of us have predictable ways our parts show up when we're dysregulated.
Maybe you freeze.
Maybe you fight.
Maybe you over-function.
Knowing the pattern helps us pause and choose a different response.
I know a pattern for me is that I often freeze,
Withdraw.
Maybe there's a little fawning there,
But I tend to go away.
Then I notice I'm neglecting important relationships to me and my family.
Then there is some shame and some frustration that things have to be this way.
Let me illustrate for a bit with a personal story.
A couple weeks ago,
One of my daughters was really upset.
Full-blown meltdown,
Inconsolable,
And I could feel one of my parts wanting to shut it down.
You're being too much.
Calm down.
It's what this part would have had me said,
But I caught it and I noticed that urge.
Underneath it was a part of me that felt really overwhelmed and afraid.
I wouldn't know how to help.
Little parts under there,
Too,
That wanted to be met with the same compassion that I was trying to meet one of my kids with today because that didn't happen for them.
So I took a breath and I turned toward that part and just said,
Hey,
I've got this and I've got you.
You're not alone.
I'm older now.
Things are different now.
I want to earn your trust.
We're in this together.
Then I knelt down with my daughter and just held her while she cried.
Boy,
Parts of me struggle with this,
Just the vulnerability.
I didn't have this kind of agency to have these big emotions as a kid and my young parts want that,
Too.
And so they can be really confused when I'm trying to do things differently and parent differently today.
They need the same parenting and a reparenting kind of way that I'm trying to give to my kids and do things differently now.
And with my daughter,
And this is often the case,
We didn't need words,
Just presence.
And wouldn't you know it,
That part of me started to settle,
Too,
When I gave it some presence and acknowledgement.
That's the invitation of emotional regulation.
Not to suppress what's happening,
But to bring more of ourself to it.
Here's some questions that may be helpful for you to reflect on this week with your own internal world and parts.
Which parts of you tend to get overwhelmed emotionally?
How do those parts show up in your body and your thoughts and your behavior?
What helps you connect to your self-energy in those moments?
Thanks so much for spending this time with me.
If this session stirred up something in you,
Take a moment to journal,
Walk,
Or simply breathe with it.
But you're not alone.
Just like we tell our parts,
We're in this together.
And until the next session,
Take care of you and your parts.
