Why Can’t I Find What I’m Looking For?

For anyone who keeps searching for love, peace, or fulfillment in changing circumstances, this talk questions whether the search is pointed in the wrong direction.

Tiger explores how the outer world mirrors the inner one, and how responsibility, self-honesty, and playful curiosity can replace blame and control. It matters because the freedom being sought may begin with understanding what is already happening within.

Transcript

Why do some people seek and practice for so long? And not find what they're looking for. Followed up with, Well. What are we actually looking for? I find this an interesting question. When I look at my own experience. Because I see so many examples of confusion. And what I think I'm looking for? And there's been so many instances. Of being convinced that I know what I'm looking for. Only to circle back around. And realized that I was looking for something that's not a real something. Which explains why I had such a hard time finding it. And then as I get more clear about what I'm actually looking for, It's like, Oh, It's been there the whole time. Which in some way, It could be said. If you're having a really hard time finding what you're looking for, You might be looking for the wrong thing. Which is a beautiful invitation to take a breath. And get more honest with ourselves. And maybe a quick way to expose this. Is to find mutual agreement. That the sincerity of what we are looking for is ultimately to find something real. Maybe in the illustration of a relationship. A lot of people might be looking for certain. Qualities or expression of Relationship. But underneath that. . . They're looking for some flavor of realness in human connection. In the confusion. Is to look for maybe surface level relationship type things that don't really matter as much. And isn't the realness that we crave? It's kind of like saying. I really want to find someone who loves me. Which is confused. As if the point of relationships is to get love from another human being? And so we go around looking for that, And we can't find it. But it's based on a false premise. That's not really how it works. That's not what relationships are for. And so it makes sense why you're having a hard time finding it. Or sometimes it looks like you found it and then it slips through your fingers. Which is kind of like seeing that it's illusionary. But more deeply. The voice that says, I want to find someone who loves me. Is looking for the reality of love. Within the container of relationship. And that is available immediately. The more we understand what real love is and where it comes from. And how it is released from within us, It's like, Oh, I can get started right now. And then as you release it now, Which is kind of like. . . A self-healing that allows more love to flow from within you. Then you start to get reflections on the surface. Where it looks like you're experiencing love from others. It's kind of like you notice how the more kind you are to others, It looks like people are kind to you. And the more mean you are to others, It looks like people are mean to you. It looks like it's coming from the outside, But it's actually coming from the inside, And the outside is giving you a mirror reflection. Which kind of points towards seeing that. It looks like we're looking for something on the outside, But actually we're looking for it on the inside. We're just not aware of that yet. And the more you're looking for it on the outside, The harder it is to find because that's not where it really is. And that sort of speaks to the realness of things. There's the contrast of the illusion of things. Where we say, Oh, I want that thing on the outside. But really you're trying to have an internal experience. You're trying to connect with something within what you are. Which is quite interesting because. . . Perceptually. It looks like the realness is outside. It looks like you want something on the outside that looks real. But the deeper reality is you're longing for something on the inside. You're trying to go inward. Rather than outward. And the illusion of it, The misunderstanding of it. Is that we get to the inside by. . . Collecting an outside. Which is kind of like saying, In order for me to be at peace. I need the world to be a certain way? In order for me to experience love, I need other people to do what I want them to do. This turns us into a tyrant that tries to control life and other people and even ourselves. In order for us to feel a certain way, And this completely misunderstands the nature of being human. Which is to chase the illusion of things rather than seeing the realness of things. And it could also be said in a very concrete way. That the deeper sincerity of the human journey. Is one of. A deeper self-understanding. Which is to understand how these things actually operate. Which is to understand that Your inner world, Your emotional world, Is not tied to the outer world. The outer world is a mirror of the inner world. And so the real journey is one of self-healing, And then as that happens, The reflection changes. And it's super interesting because in a traditional way. As a human being. The thing that we think we want is so often out there in the world. Even if it's how we want to show up in that world that's still on the outside. And there's a beautiful self-honesty here. Because we can get so busy in our minds, Which is to also be lost in the world, It's the same thing. And be confused about what it is we're actually looking for. And what it is that we actually want. What it is that we think actually matters or is important. And there's a journey of just getting more and more sincere and honest with ourselves. Which is part of the self-healing. And the more honest we get. The more we see that. That which is desired or wanted. Is actually right here and now, Or at least the doorway is here and now? It's like, You might. Want to be at peace within what you are. You might not be. But the doorway to that peace is right here and now. It's not in the future based on your conditions being met. And so we have to be willing to understand ourselves. To be honest with ourselves, To look deeply inside of ourselves. And see a lot of things that are difficult to see. Which is why we so often don't want to look, And we'd rather just control and manipulate things on the surface to help us not look. Which is like saying to your relationship partner, If you would just be how I want you to be. I wouldn't have to see all of these nasty things swimming inside of me. If you would just be how I want you to be, Then I wouldn't have to judge you. Is that how it works? So I don't want you to be you, I want you to be my prisoner. I want your existence. To serve my ability to hide from what's within what I am? Is that how it works? And maybe it's wild, But in one way it's just so obvious that. What appears to be the outside of our lives. The everyday happening of our lives. Serves this primary discovery. Serves this unfolding of self-understanding. Whereas the outside, As I said, Is a mirror. That is attempting to expose what's happening on the inside so that you can see it. And that's where the healing actually happens. Maybe it's worth noting. There's such a consistent pattern. In all the humans that I talk to? Where? You know, I talk to people and they illustrate to me the outside of their life. What it looks like on the outside. And it so beautifully reflects an internal reality that they're not quite aware of? Whereas everything that they think is going on on the outside. Is in some way going on on the inside? In their relationship with themselves, But they think it's out there. And it's such a beautiful. Investigation because the more we see that this is what's going on. We can gently release the outside. It's like you start to realize that the outside's not the problem. Which is to say you're not a prisoner to the outside. Which is to say you can just let that go and come back to yourself. And we can look at what's going on inside of you. And then as that changes on the inside, The outside begins to change. It's beautifully simple. But the difficulty. . . Is in the Let's call it extraordinary nuance. Of our multifaceted lives. Or it seems like we have a thousand different relationships. And in appearances, We're trying to manage all of those relationships. It gives us a lot to think about. But again. . . All of those relationships are reflecting the relationship you have with yourself. Which is so comical in one way because. We're trying to. Manage control. Or keep in line all of these external relationships? But if you. . . Went to the source. Which is your relationship with yourself. As that begins to heal and change, It automatically affects those thousand other relationships. But perceptually. I understand the illusion is powerful in that regard where. It looks like it's all of those things out there. It's like you don't see that you're the source. You don't see that you're the source of it all. Which, Again, If you hate your life. . . Then to see that you're the source of it all is not a fun thing to see. If you're excited about your life, Then seeing that you're the source of it all. Is quite fun to see. But either way. If you hate your life or if you think your life is crappy, To see that you're the source. Is to put the power back in your hands. And so often, If you think your life is crappy, You assume that it's crappy because somebody else has the power. That there's power outside of you that's being wielded against you. So you don't see that you have the power. I remember this, My God. I was. 20 years old. Homeless drug addict. And I had this moment of reflection. Where I saw all of these thoughts blaming. Blaming everyone else. Whether it's parents, Whether it's teachers, Whether it's society, Yada, Yada, Yada. And I just saw that that was happening. And had the question of, Okay, But what if I did this? What if I created that? And there is this moment of inspiration where it was like, Oh, Well. If I have the power to create such a crappy circumstance, I wonder if I have the power to create something a little bit more awesome. And it's such an interesting shift. Which takes your thinking in a completely different direction. Right, Like you can see it in the most practical way. Where if you start to realize that this is my creation. Your focus starts to move in a different direction. Even at that time in my life. I started reading books. Because I was trying to understand. What's really going on here, And you see. That willingness to accept the responsibility for the creation. Put a power in my hands to seek understanding. Of how I can create differently. Now, If I had the perspective that it's everybody else's fault, There's no desire to understand. Therefore, The creation cannot change. It can only continue to get worse because I keep giving the power away. And so, Gosh, That's such a practical. Down-to-earth illustration. Do you see the simplicity? Of that tiny ship. From, Oh, It's coming from the outside. To, Oh, This is coming from the inside? Then you start to seek to understand. And if you think it's from the outside, And you seek to understand the outside, You're effectively trying to control the outside? Which means you're not really seeking to understand it. I see this a lot in relationship type stuff. Where people still think the problem is other people. So they're trying to understand, But really they're trying to manipulate. Because the more you truly understand, It comes back to the self. There's no way around that. Because it's the truth. And so if you're really trying to understand the truth, The truth will point you inward. But we don't like seeing that. So we go back to manipulation. And it's beautiful. And how scared we are to look. At how much we are the source of it all. It's kind of like when I talk to people. It's almost like some people come with a certain element of shame. Where they see how lost and confused they are. And in many ways, They're embarrassed by it a little bit. They think it's a problem. They think it's wrong. They think it shouldn't be that way? And so there's all these little ways that we hide from that because it's too exposing. But it's also just the truth. And to create a space. That at least allows us to see that this is perfectly fine. Like, There's nothing going wrong here. This is just part of the learning. And what makes it painful is not the mistakes. What makes it painful is the self-judgment. And the self-judgment isn't necessary. And the self-judgment is almost like saying, I don't want to look at this because I judge it. So that's often what I'm holding space for people to see, At least initially. Is. Let's see if we can. . . See beyond the self-judgment. To see that this doesn't mean anything about you. So that we can look at it with curiosity, Almost like. We step outside of our own personal lives and we just observe. What's going on here, And it actually becomes quite adorable. Which is another beautiful transformation in itself. From. Serious self-judgment. To A playful curiosity? And you can see the vast difference here. If we are looking at our lives with a serious self-judgment. It's almost like saying, I hate you and I'll only love you if you're different. Which is also saying, I don't really want to understand you. I just want you to do what I want you to do. Which is. . . Its own version of self-violence. And then the playful curiosity is like saying, Oh my goodness, You're so adorable. Let's look at this. And what's playful about the let's look at this. Is that the only reason these, Let's call it, Negative patterns keep going on is because we're not operating from a deeper clarity of seeing. It's almost like we're operating from an upside down way of seeing, Which is why we keep banging our head against the wall. We're not seeing the truth of things. And so the more we are in a. . . Disposition that's willing to truly see what's going on. Which means we truly see the truth of things. That corrects our perception. Which means we no longer have to keep banging our head against the wall. Another beautiful illustration of that is you're sitting in your living room and all the lights are out, It's completely dark. And you're trying to navigate the house. Without any light on. And so you keep bumping into things. And you keep injuring yourself and getting super frustrated and beating yourself up. But if we just flip the light on. It's so much easier to navigate. The more you see the truth of what's really there. It's like, Oh. OK. I can now navigate this landscape, This relationship. This human experience. Without injuring myself. Which is the self-created suffering. Or at least way less of it. And all of this is. Inspired by the willingness to look because The willingness to look is the turning of the light on. Which is the light of your consciousness. That says, Okay, Let's get really honest about what's actually happening here. And the darkness of our consciousness. Doesn't want to look. In many ways because it's. . . Fighting to hold on to its illusions. And if you turn that light on, You lose those illusions. One way to illustrate this is like, Our resentments towards other people, Even our blame towards other people. Do you notice how. . . In the act of doing that. We feel sort of self-righteous. Which is its own. . . Version of a false power. It's very ego validating. To feel like you're right and others are wrong. And if you turn the light on. You lose that. And for a lot of people. Their whole sense of groundedness in their humanness. Is that they are right and other people are wrong. That's their reference for how they move through the world. And without that. They lose themselves, Or at least they think they will lose themselves. It presents too much unknown. And so those illusions of certainty. Offer a element of grounding. But it also is the source of the suffering, Which is also to point towards why the ego would rather suffer. Then be free. Because to be free is to give up all of those illusions that validate the ego. But again, The more you see the ego clearly, The truth of what it is. You see that it doesn't need that validation. So it becomes more playful. Than serious.

Reviews

How wise what you just shared with me is! The within being reflected to the outside. The trying to control and manage what is outside of me instead of nurturing a curiosity of what is going on inside of me. The self judgement and of course the judgement of others. You’re so right … Ta-da! Thank you for mirroring what is going on inside of me.