Coping With Emotional Discomfort From Setting Boundaries

This episode will explore the emotional discomfort, doubt, and guilt that come from setting boundaries, expressing what we need and how we feel, declaring what we want, following our joy, pursuing fulfillment, and choosing what’s right for us. I share insights and practices on how to cope with the discomfort and the mix of challenging emotions that come with it. I also share journal prompts at the end of the episode to help you reflect on your own emotional discomfort and how to process it.

Transcript

Hey,

You're listening to the In a Colon podcast with your host,

Annie Gospotin.

Hello and welcome.

Thank you so much for joining me today and sharing this space with me.

I'm really grateful and honoured to be here with you.

Today I'm going to talk about the emotional discomfort,

Doubt and guilt that come from setting boundaries,

Expressing what we need and how we feel,

Declaring what we want,

Following our joy,

Pursuing fulfilment and choosing what's right for us.

I'll share insights and practices on how to cope with the discomfort and the mix of challenging emotions that come with it.

And I'll share general prompts and questions for self-reflection at the end of the episode that I hope you find useful.

We often hear about how to set a boundary,

How to meet our needs,

How to communicate and express our feelings,

How to gain clarity and all that.

However,

What we don't really hear much about is how to cope with the emotional rollercoaster that sets in after we've learned to do any of these things.

We are led to believe that these things are the hard part,

That learning and practising them is what will be challenging.

And you know,

This is true,

But not entirely.

Because what comes after doing these things is just as challenging and sometimes even more than the other.

So I'm going to start with illustrating this a little bit better with a couple of examples just to make sure we're all on the same page and everything is clear before we dive in.

Have you asked yourself any of the following questions?

Who am I to be happy?

Who am I to want this?

Who am I to follow my joy?

Do I have the right to set boundaries?

Do I have the right to express my needs and feelings?

Do I have the right to say what I want?

Do I have the right to feel like I belong?

Do I have the right to feel safe?

Do I have the right to be who I am?

So if you've ever asked yourself any of these questions,

You've come to the right place.

This episode is for you.

Let me just say that you have the right to want,

Feel,

Be and do any of these things.

It's not outrageous.

It's not selfish.

It's not ridiculous.

It's not too much.

It's not a luxury.

It's not demanding and it's not needy.

It's human to have needs.

It's human to have wants.

It's human to want to feel safe,

To feel like you belong,

To feel free,

To be who you are,

To express how you feel,

To communicate what you need and want.

It's human to want to feel happy.

It's human to want to follow your joy.

Any of these things are natural.

They are valid.

They are real and they are true.

Regardless of what other people say,

Regardless of what we hear in our society and culture,

Regardless of what our family might say,

Regardless of what we grew up to believe.

Does it mean that we would always manage to do any of these things all the time?

Probably not.

I'm just going to make a quick disclaimer here because we can't live in denial.

There will be times when we can't practice a boundary or communicate a need,

For example when dealing with difficult employers or family members and yet we can always do our best to make sure that we choose what's right for us.

Even if it doesn't work out the way we want to.

Setting boundaries and meeting our needs is not a fantasy.

It can be reality,

But reality isn't perfect.

It's not sunshine and roses every time.

So let's just have this in mind.

So once we get there,

Once we've set the boundary or expressed our feelings and needs,

Once we've found our joy,

Unfortunately we may not feel the satisfaction or relief that we were hoping for.

What often happens is that we feel confused,

We feel really uncomfortable,

We feel guilty and we feel ashamed.

Hundreds of questions spiral into our minds and we start to doubt ourselves.

We feel like we've done something wrong.

We feel like we shouldn't have done it.

We feel like we need to apologise or over explain just so we can alleviate our emotional discomfort.

And yet it's not going to give us the relief that we are hoping for.

Because apologising for expressing how we feel is not going to help us.

We can't erase our feelings with an apology.

Over explaining is also not going to help us because it doesn't make the other person understand us better.

And we don't have to apologise for having boundaries or we don't have to apologise for having needs.

That's just another topic.

So over explaining and apologising,

It just drives us in circles and often produces the opposite result.

Giving up on our boundaries,

On our needs and wants is not the answer here.

But addressing the emotional discomfort and guilt that comes with it is.

So what do we do then?

You may ask.

I get it.

I hear you.

What we need to do first is understand the discomfort and the feelings that come with it.

Whether this is doubt,

Guilt or shame or anything else you may notice.

Understanding these emotions is key because we can't process something that we sweep under the rug or refuse to acknowledge or pretend that it's not there.

It just doesn't work like that.

Let's first explore what the discomfort is,

Why we feel it and where it comes from.

When we do something new and unfamiliar or when we do something that's challenging and difficult,

It's natural to feel emotionally uncomfortable.

We feel unsettled,

Restless,

Anxious,

Confused and jittery or just not at peace.

We feel like there is something wrong somewhere and we have this urgent need to find relief and settle it or fix it.

Of course emotional discomfort can look differently just specifically so you need to address the individual factors as well.

We are not all the same.

With that being said,

When you notice yourself feeling this discomfort after you've set a boundary or expressed a need or anything like the examples I gave earlier,

It's good to pause and ask yourself,

Where is it coming from?

Where is this discomfort coming from?

Is it coming from the challenging act of doing any of these things?

Is it because you are still learning to practice them?

Is it because you are not sure what you are doing yet?

Is it because you are worried what would people think?

Is it because you struggle to cope with their reaction?

Is it because you've never observed anyone from your family modelling this behaviour and setting such example?

It could be anything.

Once you become more aware of the role your discomfort plays,

You can understand it better.

You can understand that,

Hey,

What I'm feeling right now is emotional discomfort and it comes from X,

Y and Z.

So I don't have to banish it or try to alleviate it by over explaining or apologising.

My discomfort doesn't mean that my boundaries are not working or that I shouldn't take this action in the future.

And this is really important.

It may sound simple or silly but acknowledging and naming what we feel and why we feel so can give us so much power because we'll stay firm in our choices and not let the discomfort steer us away from continuing to do so.

Choosing what's right for us isn't always easy.

I mean,

Often it's not easy.

So it's okay to feel emotionally uncomfortable.

It's understandable why you'd feel guilty for wanting to be happy or for following your joy when we're raised in a society where this is questioned or denied.

It's okay to feel doubtful and uncertain and confused.

It's not strange.

It's not just you.

It's in our human nature.

It's common and what most of us go through when we take an action that's new,

Unfamiliar or challenging in some way or another.

The discomfort is not a sign for you to give up.

Just like other people's actions and reactions are not a sign either.

So allow the discomfort to be there even if it sounds ridiculous.

Stop fighting,

Stop resisting it.

Yes,

Question.

Yes,

Explore it so you can understand it.

Become friends with it.

We all have friends that we don't always understand or not always find easy to be around them and yet they're still a part of our life.

So make the discomfort a part of your life that can show you the journey you're making and see how far you've come.

The emotional discomfort,

The guilt,

The doubt,

It's all part of the process.

As you make space for these uncomfortable feelings,

You can process them better and cope with them.

So it will get easier.

You can quiet and lessen the discomfort and doubt and guilt but it's not about never feeling them again.

It's not about lying to ourselves that we can live without them.

I know that there are some people who may believe so and teach so and that's fine but I don't think that it's humanly possible unless we live in denial or delude ourselves because for as long as we dive into the unknown and cross an uncharted territory and do something that's new and familiar or challenging to us,

We'll feel some discomfort and that's okay.

You can cope with it by acknowledging it,

Understanding it and giving yourself space to process it.

You can cope with it by sitting with it,

Exploring it and reflecting on what is there to show you.

You can cope with it by reminding yourself that it doesn't have to stop you from doing what's best for you even if it feels hard,

Confusing and challenging.

We can be,

Live,

Think,

Create,

Act and walk alongside the discomfort,

Not in spite of it.

We can keep choosing to set boundaries,

Express what we need,

Declare what we want,

Fight for belonging within and outside of us,

Find safety in who we are and who we want to be and carve out a place for us here on this earth.

The emotional discomfort doesn't have to stop you from doing any of these things.

So now let's jump into the journal prompts and questions for self-reflection that I've prepared especially for you.

I would invite you to grab some pen and paper and get ready.

How the emotional discomfort feels in your body?

What sensations do you notice?

What thoughts come up to you?

Where do you think the emotional discomfort is coming from?

What is there to show you?

What role does it play in any given situation?

How is the discomfort affecting your behaviour?

For example,

Is it prompting you to apologise,

Over explain or neglect your boundaries in the future?

What will allow you to make space for the discomfort?

If you sit with it,

What would you discover?

What other emotions do you notice alongside the discomfort?

How are they serving you?

What is their purpose?

This is all for today.

Thank you so much for listening and being here with me.

I really appreciate it.

I hope you enjoyed this episode and if you'd like to dive deeper into this work I've got a free self-acceptance workbook and journal guide that you can grab from my website for free.

And if you want to overcome unworthiness,

Insecurity,

Self-betrayal,

Negative self-talk and conditioning,

My one-on-one coaching program,

Rooted in Psychology,

Will help you set boundaries,

Process emotions,

Accept all parts of yourself and finally feel whole.

We'll also explore your sense of self,

Identity and belonging.

You can learn more via the link in my bio or about section.

Thank you again for listening and let me know if you found this episode helpful.

I would love to hear from you.

I send you loads of love and see you soon!

Reviews

Nameste 🙏

Wonderful thank you so much...
I listened again and even more relevant at the moment.
It takes a lot of guts to place a boundary. But they keep pushing back, and they think that I have forgotten it or that it was just me being mad. And now I've calmed down it has started again. So you are correct in saying that it is keeping the boundaries in tact that takes persistency and bravery.
I moved to a 1 bedroomed flat and that is clearly not giving my son the message he needs. I have told him f2f that he needs to move on and move out to his own place. The disrespect and no help and wriggling away from paying rent or helping out has pushed me to this place. I will now change the locks on the door. I don't know how much more I can take. Family is the hardest to place boundaries with. The guilt cam often persuade you to back down. But I know it is the only way he will grow and will get any peace. Thanks again.

I found this very helpful 🙏🏻💜

Thank you, very helpful. 🩵🙏🏻

Thank you.🙏🏽that was helpful. As I get clearer and more able to state wants and needs, the backlash of internalized fear and shame it often t be e more debilitating part of learning and being. 💜🙇🏽‍♂️

Thanks so musch for this! In foing Terri Cole’s 10-Day Boundaries Course and this was a lovely “search for more” addition. I downloaded your workbook and I’m off to print it now, really determined to get more comfortable with myself and my needs. I’m 74; you’d think I would have it all figured out now (I thought so) but there is always room and space to grow, Ice learned. And so I will. Thank you!! 🙏

Thx again Annie

🙏🏽thank you 💕

Exactly why I needed to help me make a decision about a relationship that is not meeting my needs. Thank you!

Thanks for your talk on setting boundaries- I’m glad to realize that even when I see the need for a boundary, I feel guilty for setting it. Just knowing I’m not alone gives me courage 🙏🙏🙏

So useful! I definitely experience all sorts of reactions when setting boundaries at the moment and this was a really helpful talk and prompt to help me explore those feelings. Thank you 🙏

Very interesting! Thank you!

Annie has such kindness in her voice.. she has helped me to learn more about why I have patterns and how to move forward x