MJ12 - 38 Blessings - Bringing Up A Family (13 Of 39)

This is the thirteenth session of the Buddhist path of practice leading from the mundane to the transcendental based on the 38 Blessings of the Mangala Sutta. This twelfth blessing concerns bringing up a family, or how it is auspicious to care for and educate one's children in spiritual ways to ensure a bright future for them and ourselves.

Transcript

Last time you saw me,

We looked at blessing number 11,

Cherishing our parents.

With the time we talk today,

We will move on in our series on Enlightened Living with blessing number 12,

Cherishing our children.

Bringing up one's children is a subject on which I've spoken for many years,

But this time I have had to do quite a serious rewrite in keeping with the constant revision of the temple's views on the subject.

There was a time going back to the 1970s when the gist of Venwoditachi was original Thai teachings following the tough love message of the Tilamutti Jataka,

Which was to spare the rod and spoil the child.

You will probably be pleased to hear that over the years,

The temple's approach to parenting has become gentler,

And the watchword now is expressing love for our children by spending more time with them.

So for today's session,

I have updated my advice on parenting in keeping with the temple's shift in approach with the help of Venwoditachiwa's book Family Day by Day,

Which represents the latest recension of the warm-hearted family text,

Which I hope will be more in keeping with the age of globalization and the rights of the child.

Some might be skeptical about what expertise a monk could offer on the subject of bringing up children,

And in defense I will say that although monks have no skin in the game,

It is still worth listening to monastic advice on parenting because monks are often parents first port of call when they have problems in their family.

Meanwhile,

Others who have no children of their own might question the relevance to them of this particular blessing of the sequence,

As if they've dodged a bullet.

But just as a reminder of the wider relevance of this blessing,

In more than just an allegorical sense,

In the Gathahari Jataka,

The Buddha elaborated that those we might cherish as our children are not limited to offspring born of our own flesh and blood,

Which in Pali are known as Atrachach,

But also include any children born on our property or Ketachach,

Any children who we may adopt,

Or Dinakach,

As well as our students,

Or Antivasikach.

He goes without saying that children have complex needs and vulnerabilities,

And if they were consumer appliances,

They would probably come with a thick operating manual and a training course for the parent.

The last I checked,

However,

Children don't come with any of these accessories,

Despite parents for the most part being amateurs with sporadic babysitting experience,

Although I did hear that there's now an app to remind you to feed your baby on time.

But much more than a houseplant or a pet,

Parents hopefully aspire to much more than mere survival for the child in their care.

I would hope that intelligence would also be part of the plan.

Where Buddhism can offer added value to parenting,

It's through its emphasis on the virtues and integrity in a child's upbringing,

So that parents can prevent their child growing up into troublemakers and the self-reproach that would come with that.

In order to raise children to be upstanding members of society,

Parents need to have access to sufficient parenting resources,

Knowledge,

And time.

With adequate input of time and knowledge by parents,

Although a family might not be wealthy,

Their kids have a good chance at a bright future.

It's always useful for potential parents to take a moment to reflect what qualities they would like to see in their child,

And how to foster those qualities successfully.

In essence,

Children would find it useful to have three key characteristics,

Purity,

Wisdom,

And compassion.

A child who possesses these qualities will find it easy to absorb the knowledge and examples provided by their parents,

Relatives,

Teachers,

And mentors.

Purity,

Wisdom,

And compassion are a platform upon which other aspects of good character can develop.

In practice,

Additional aspects of a child's character are fostered through instilling good habits.

Habits are developed through the thoughts,

Speech,

And actions children do repeatedly.

These repetitive activities,

In turn,

Influence how a child's learned behavior will continue to develop throughout their life.

At the same time,

We need to prevent children from getting away with repeated selfish thoughts,

Speech,

Or action,

Regardless of their severity,

So they don't become accustomed to egotism or lose the will to grow up into virtuous,

Successful,

Or responsible adults.

If we can teach our children to engage repeatedly in wholesome thoughts,

Speech,

And activities,

Then they will become accustomed to doing the right thing instead of the easy thing,

Until it becomes their habit,

Allowing them to grow up into upstanding individuals.

Generally,

Habits develop from the way we utilize the four basic necessities for survival – clothing,

Food,

Shelter,

And medicine.

So,

To give an example of learning moderation in the use of the basic necessities,

Right from the time they are still in the cradle,

We can see the long-term influence of the choices a parent makes about regularity of mealtimes.

If we feed our children irregularly,

Then they cry whenever they're hungry,

And when they are ignored,

They develop the habit of becoming easily irritated and screaming hysterically whenever they want to attract attention,

Thereby acquiring the habit of resorting to violence and aggression to get what they want.

If we go to the other extreme,

And feed our children all the time,

Even when they're not hungry,

They will become overweight and dependent on the way food makes them feel.

They'll develop the habit of sluggishness and indolence.

However,

If we feed our child on a predictable schedule,

They will develop a habit of punctuality,

And rather than being temperamental,

They'll be more likely to grow up into healthy,

Strong,

And undemanding adults.

So,

Good and bad habits come from repetitive thought,

Speech,

And action.

Although what parents might be aiming for with their children is purity,

Wisdom,

And compassion,

The means of achieving such character formation would be the cultivation of moderation with regard to their use of the four requisites in their daily activities.

Additionally,

Parents need to set an example through their own behavior in four important areas of their lives.

The way they speak,

The way they use their time,

Their standards of cleanliness,

And how organized they are.

So,

In connection with the way we speak,

We can teach our children to cultivate wholesome speech by setting an example of speaking politely,

Truthfully,

And with good intentions.

We need to lead by example,

Investing as much respect and patience in the way we speak to strangers as we would to our friends,

Relatives,

Or partners.

Also,

We need to be clear about the negative implications of telling lies.

The second way we need to set an example is in our use of time.

To be clear,

I'm not advocating helicopter parenting,

Where there's no free time left over between activities,

But teaching a child to be disciplined with time is to establish clear schedules for waking up,

Mealtimes,

And bedtimes.

Getting up early in the morning is an important habit which will serve a child well for future work and school days.

Going to sleep earlier in the evening is an important factor because if they go to sleep late,

Then they will not want to get up early.

When we wake them up,

They will attempt to go back to sleep and potentially tell lies about being too sick to go to school,

Starting their day with an argument,

And who would want that.

The third way we need to set an example is in the standard of cleanliness we set.

For our own health as well as social acceptability,

We have to teach our children how to maintain cleanliness,

Whether it be showering,

Hair and dental care,

And washing of hands.

Without going over the line into obsession and compulsion,

Personal hygiene habits will prove important for the self-esteem of the child as well as their acceptance in the eyes of others.

The final main habit we need to set an example in is in how organized we are.

Children who lack organizational skills will tend to get into conflicts when they have to go to work with others.

They will not be able to work as a team or plan and complete tasks efficiently,

Hampering their future potential for success.

Consciously or unconsciously,

Children will always take their parents as a prime example in life.

Since children tend to mimic their parents' habits,

We need to be sure that we consistently provide them with the best habits to copy.

If we are consistent in this way,

Our children will become more aware of the strengths and weaknesses of their own thoughts,

Speech,

And actions.

Awareness enables improvement,

And as our children gain integrity,

We as parents will feel reassured about their long-term well-being.

There is a classic Buddhist proverb in the Samyutta Nikāyā's Sakata Vakha that goes,

Yādīsāṃvappate bījāṃ,

Thādīsāṃharate phalang,

Kāliyāna gāri kāliyānaṃ,

Pāpagāri cāpāpagang.

One reaps the fruit of seeds one sows.

Lovely fruits from lovely actions come.

Ugly out comes from ugly ones.

Creating the safe space by which children can learn about the consequences of their actions in a low-stakes environment,

In other words,

To learn to take responsibility,

Is one of the most important roles for a parent.

For this reason,

To make consequences clear,

Parents should avoid taking their children's side when they've misbehaved or done something wrong.

Otherwise,

Children will eventually believe that they are rewarded for bad behavior,

And their selfishness is acceptable.

In other words,

Although it may seem like being cruel to be kind,

Parents need to dare to discipline.

Since a child's bad behavior usually starts out unintentional,

The mistakes they make are usually blundering and easy to detect,

Whether it be throwing down a cup,

Pinching a friend's arm,

Or causing an angry scene at kindergarten.

If these behaviors are corrected at the mistake stage,

Then they will not escalate into devious intentional behaviors.

Also,

Because in learning the consequences of their actions,

Children have short memories,

There's no sense in punishing a child for something they did wrong the day before.

However,

If through ignorance or neglect,

We allow the children to become accustomed to certain behaviors,

Then these will soon develop into bad habits that will be harder to overcome than if they were addressed at the outset.

Bad behaviors become habits because they go undetected.

Therefore,

A good parent needs to be vigilant.

Like an actor,

A parent must play many different roles,

Being many things to their children,

And often having to switch roles at the drop of a hat,

Whether it be teacher,

Moral conscience,

Nurturer,

Or spiritual guide to the child.

As a teacher to the child,

For example,

We need to encourage cleanliness from an early age by involving them in chores like washing clothes and cleaning.

We need to teach them to bathe regularly,

Brush their teeth,

And eat properly as early as possible in life.

We shouldn't assume that these lessons are insignificant because we are our children's first teacher.

We need to foster the best in them.

In doing so,

We set the foundation for their good character and help them to have the right outlook on life.

As children grow up,

This foundation will help them integrate good behavior into their natural habits.

As a moral conscience to the child,

Buddhist parents would find it useful to build a solid foundation of integrity upon the logic of a good energy created by meritorious deeds and the bad energy created by bad ones.

In a non-Buddhist culture,

The approach may be different,

But one way or another,

We should still aim to establish in the child the habit of doing good deeds regularly.

We need to teach our children to distinguish between what is right or wrong,

Beneficial or harmful.

If our children are too young to learn about cause and effect,

We need to teach by example.

Our efforts need to be gentle and level-headed.

Parents should agree amongst themselves in advance about the range of diplomatic sanctions that they have at their disposal as proportionate rewards or punishments.

Withdrawing prizes is more humane than punishments,

Which should only be used as a last resort.

If there's a clear economy of justice for a family,

It will prevent parents lashing out in anger.

Most importantly,

Parents need to remain objective and not take sides if their children have done something wrong.

We should not spoil or indulge them unduly.

If they grow up into adults who disregard the law,

We shouldn't cover up for their crimes,

But resign ourselves to the fact that they must accept punishment.

We should find it useful to help them as much as possible,

But all within the boundaries of the governing laws.

As a nurturer of the child,

We need to provide an atmosphere of love and trust to encourage a safe family environment.

We need to teach them how to forgive.

When they perform good deeds,

We need to praise and applaud them.

We need to nurse them when they're sick.

When they are grown and ready to leave the family to start their own independent lives,

We need to accept this too and not hold them back.

However,

We should still be there for them to offer advice and give encouragement even when they're an adult.

As a spiritual guide to the child,

We need to practice a high enough level of integrity to be well respected in our community.

We need to be able to offer wise counsel to the family and be deserving of the respect of our children and grandchildren.

We'll have an important role in fostering family unity,

Only if we are accepted on all these spiritual levels will our children listen to us with enough respect to follow any ethical advice we might need to offer them.

If we're able to practice all these four roles,

The family setting will allow children to thrive with knock-on benefits for the wider community.

Specific Buddhist advice on parenting is found in the Sikh Lovada Sutta,

Which I will elaborate here,

Starting with the cultural universal points.

I'll come back to the more specifically Asian and Buddhist advice later.

So,

To start with the universally applicable parenting advice,

As I've already mentioned,

We need to be a good role model.

This is the contemporary interpretation of the scriptural advice for a parent not to allow their children to err into unwholesomeness while establishing them in wholesome behavior.

It can often be easy to underestimate how influential we are to our children.

In order to save ourselves from excessive moralizing,

The best way to foster a moral conscience is to set an example ourselves,

Because often we'll notice that the most irksome habits exhibited by our children are exactly the same as the ones we have.

Children are so impressionable that when they are rude,

It's often because they remember the same behavior from us.

Before we can begin to be good role models,

We need to scrutinize our own qualities to make sure there's nothing in our behavior that betrays a tendency to exploit the weaknesses in ourselves or others.

Of course,

For some aspects of behavior,

It may be that children do not respond fully to the example we set for them,

In which case it is the parent's duty to intervene more directly.

Although it demands a lot from us emotionally to explain moral logic to our children,

We need to remind ourselves that the time we spend with them is perhaps the most important investment of our time and attention.

At the same time,

We should not be overprotective.

Instead of forbidding them from going anywhere or doing anything that involves risk,

We have to accept that as our children grow,

They need to take on some of the responsibility for becoming an adult.

Instead of immediately saying no,

Try saying let me think about that.

If we have taught them about good and bad,

Right and wrong,

While planning ahead for how situations will play themselves out,

Then we will find it useful to encourage them to start making some of their own decisions little by little.

Additionally,

We may need to screen our children's friends.

Parents need to have a close relationship both with their child and their friends.

This is to make sure that your child is not getting mixed up with a crowd of bad influences.

This is more easily achieved if you host regular playdates for a child and their friends.

It may be extra work to prepare cakes for all those friends,

But while the friends are tucking in to their tea,

The parents will learn enough about the character of their friends from the tone of the conversation.

Also,

It's vitally important to have at least one communal family meal per day.

There should be at least one meal a day when all the family come together,

Perhaps in the evening,

To give the chance for parents to notice any indications of guilt on the child's face.

The first time a child does something wrong,

Such as lying,

Smoking,

Or shoplifting,

The guilt will be very noticeable.

The second and subsequent times,

The indications will become less and less noticeable,

Until in the end,

No guilt remains.

If the family is together once a day to eat,

A parent can pick up the signs in time to make a course adjustment.

Apart from responding to indications of guilt,

The polite art of conversation can be learned around the dinner table.

Topics for discussion that might be useful to raise at the dinner table from an ethical point of view might include standing on one's own two feet financially,

The dangers of peer pressure,

And the real perils of dangerous living.

On the subject of financial independence,

We can explain that going out at night is a waste of money.

Wasting money on a few hours of entertainment is like throwing money from the windows.

Not everyone goes out nightclubbing.

Many people engage in more worthwhile pursuits,

Like volunteering to help the homeless or reading to the blind.

Community service or volunteer activities would be much more fulfilling,

While leading a young person to meet less predatory people.

Responsible spending needs to revolve around working hard enough to purchase necessities,

Being able to save money for the future security and well-being of the family.

To do this responsibly,

Teenagers especially need to be frugal in their spending.

On the subject of peer pressure,

Influencing behavior,

We can explain that although it's difficult for some people to say no to friends,

Our children need to stick up for themselves when others tempt them with drink or drugs,

Because they are inexperienced with these harmful substances.

Youngsters will sometimes succumb to curiosity despite knowing the legal consequences.

Unfortunately,

They do not always think about the long-term damage of such behavior.

A great resource for families to learn more about peer pressure and illegal intoxicants is a website for Freedom from Chemical Dependency or fcd.

Org,

Where there's an excellent advice and services for concerned parents and children.

On the subject of dangerous living having real consequences,

We need to explain the pitfalls of a dangerous lifestyle to our children.

Being around intoxicated people or being intoxicated themselves has so many terrible potential outcomes,

Such as getting involved in fights,

Getting arrested or contracting infectious disease.

Children need to hear that since they are precious to us,

Any thought of losing them would be our worst nightmare.

If they understand the immense sense of responsibility that parents feel for them and their behavior,

Then this can be the starting point for them to think and act more responsibly,

And learn how to discern true friends from more exploitative ones,

Constructive activities from harmful ones.

So we have time for a quick story about the perils of letting one's children associate with friends of bad character,

Which in the case of this particular Jataka story,

Number 141,

The Goda Jataka,

Is a case when a ruin was brought to a whole family by the sort of friends their children had.

And I will warn you in advance,

For those of you who are new,

That this is one of the rebirth stories which involves animals being able to speak to one another.

Story goes that once upon a time there was a family of geckos and a family of iguanas that lived close to one another.

Since at the outset the babies of both families started out about the same size,

They used to play with one another.

The father gecko,

However,

Warned his son not to play with the iguanas,

Saying that they were of a different grade.

The baby gecko protested,

Saying,

Oh dad,

Don't be such a snob,

We're all lizards after all.

The father advised,

It's not because we are lizards,

But we have a different physique and different habits.

If you keep on associating with them,

Then in the end,

Danger will come to our door.

However,

The father knew that his son would be too stubborn to listen,

And foresaw that disaster would come not only to his son,

But to the rest of the family of geckos as well.

Consequently,

The father gecko set to work digging an escape route at the back of their burrow.

Before long,

It was just as the father gecko had predicted.

The baby iguana grew fast and strong.

His son the gecko grew only a little at a time.

The baby geckos weighed only a few hundred grams,

But the baby iguana was already several kilograms in weight.

Now,

When they engaged in play fighting,

As they had used to do,

The gecko was beginning to get seriously hurt.

The iguana didn't realize his own strength.

Little by little,

The baby iguana lost his patience with the geckos and betrayed the location of their burrow to hunters who were passing by.

The hunters pushed dry grass in all the openings of the gecko burrow and set fire to it,

Sending smoke deep inside.

The baby gecko came running out of the burrow and was captured by the hunters.

Many other geckos in the family suffered the same fate.

Only the father,

Smelling the smoke,

Immediately realized that his prediction had come true and made his escape by the back burrow that he had dug for himself.

When revealing the past life correspondence of the characters in the story,

It turned out that the father gecko was the Buddha himself.

The baby iguana was Devadatta and the baby gecko was Abhikku,

Who had associated with Devadatta and had caused a schism in the sangha in the present lifetime.

So,

To come back to our subject matter for today,

We turn our attention to the parent's third major duty of care towards their child,

Which is to provide a good education.

So,

Having cajoled a child by example and persuasion into knowing the difference between good and bad behaviors,

Parents now need to facilitate their child's access to reading,

Teachers,

And spirituality.

Access to reading materials for children would include books and entertainment that has been screened for quality.

We ideally need to set aside time to go to the bookstore with our children and help them select their own materials,

Perhaps while observing their choices from a distance.

Sometimes we have to steer them in their decision-making process.

If they want to read graphic novels,

Short stories,

Shakespeare,

Or even algebra,

Then we would find it useful to read alongside them.

As they grow older,

The healthy patterns of choice will help them in selecting quality books,

Music,

And entertainment that support their cultural growth.

The educational side would also include seeking out good teachers.

This might mean moving into an area with a decent school,

But it might also mean taking your child to study with specialists in subjects like music or sport from an early age.

When it comes to a child's education,

Most parents are supportive,

But some have expectations that are too high.

If we're able to take the attitude instead that somewhere deep down every child has a gift or talent,

And that talent may not be a traditional academic one,

But given the extracurricular opportunities to pursue athletics,

Music,

Art,

Or public speaking,

They will have a chance to discover what that talent is.

All the child needs to do is find something within the realm of artful knowledge and craftsmanship that they are particularly good at.

Furthermore,

It makes no sense to send children to some Ivy League university just because it's fashionable or a family tradition.

It makes more sense to find a place with a specialism that matches what our child is talented in and where their true interests lie,

So they will be motivated to complete their studies and make their debut in the job market.

Of course,

Vocational knowledge is not the whole story.

Body and spirit need to go hand in hand.

When it comes to spiritual education,

It would be a mistake to leave responsibility to school teachers for their spiritual welfare,

Because in many countries,

The state school system is no longer authorized to advocate particular religious views.

The state expects parents to take their own initiative in teaching their own children the sort of spiritual values they want to see in them.

If we want our children to have a special place in their hearts for Buddhism,

We either need to make sure we are knowledgeable enough about Buddhism to make it interesting to our children,

Or else seek out spiritual mentors who can do the job for us.

As an approximate guide,

Essential aspects of Buddhist spiritual knowledge for a child to know about would include having respect for their parents and a basic familiarity with Dhamma literature,

Especially knowledge of Nirvana being the ultimate goal for Buddhists,

And how to attain it,

The four virtues of the householder,

Truthfulness,

Training oneself without end,

Patience and self-sacrifice,

How to support the Buddhist community,

And the first six blessings of the Mangala Sutta.

They should also be given the regular opportunity to practice generosity,

Chanting and meditation.

These will give them an accurate foundation to their discretion so that in the future they can make sensible decisions for themselves,

Even when they're away from the parents' watchful eye.

As for advice more specific to the Asian cultural context,

The Buddha did actually charge parents with the duty of arranging their children's marriage,

Although we'll come back to all things to do with marriage in the next blessing.

In this day and age,

Considering that arranged marriages are no longer legally amended in countries,

The gist of the Buddhist advice is that parents should be involved in their children's marriage choices.

This boils down to the expectation that parents will finance their children's marriage and offer guidance from their accumulated experience about a likely good choice of spouse.

Traditionally,

The choice of marriage partner was taken seriously because it was considered to be the joined together of two whole families.

Generally,

Young people in love tend to see the world through rose-tinted spectacles.

Hence the tradition,

Even in the West,

Of introducing prospective fiancées to one's parents,

If one is serious about them.

In regard to the remaining issues Buddhists mark up as parental duty of care,

It also includes passing on one's inheritance to one's children in due course.

Typically,

Asian involvement of children with their pair of their parents long into adulthood gives rise to the expectation that parents will pass on their presumably financial inheritance to deserving children if they have maintained a harmonious and supportive relationship with their parents into adulthood.

You'd be right if you think that all I've mentioned so far makes parenthood sound like a lot of work,

But really the demands on parents can be even more acute in this day and age,

And the reason for this is some of the threats towards our children which seem to lurk all around them.

Some particular mind fields for parents in bringing up their children in the present day and age include money matters,

The ready availability of various forms of entertainment,

And the darker influence of the internet.

Although when I mention money,

Parents generally assume I'm going to talk about the immense current costs involved with bringing up a child,

What I was actually intending to talk about was teaching common sense about money to one's children.

Any child who is able to balance the books for their own personal finances will be to some extent future-proofed.

As a parent,

We can encourage financial common sense in children by teaching them to put aside a little money each week and be frugal in their spending.

When children ask for money,

They should be able to justify the expense to you.

If they lack a good reason,

They shouldn't be given the money and let them know why.

Even if they're unhappy,

We should need to stand firm.

They have to understand that the consequences of overspending instead of easy come easy go attitudes to money.

We shouldn't use money to bribe them to stop crying or to get them out of the house,

And we shouldn't let them think that money grows on trees,

But remind them that every single dollar is hard to earn.

Giving them an allowance can ease some of the requests,

But even better is if they can actually earn their allowance by doing additional chores around the house or by doing odd jobs suitable to their age,

Such as dog walking,

Paper rounds,

Or babysitting.

When we are buying items with our children,

We should teach them first to window shop,

Then size up prices versus quality,

Before settling for an item of appropriate value.

We need to find a way to explain to them that the good things in life do not necessarily cost more.

We need to teach them that always to look for the true value of things rather than being mesmerized by designer brand names.

Children should also be educated as to how to use personal or borrowed items without damaging them.

It would also be useful to teach them how to make simple repairs to damaged items,

Such as sewing buttons back on to their clothes.

If items are surplus to their needs,

They should be given to charity.

If they're broken beyond repair,

They should be recycled properly.

Children who make their own toys or assemble them from a kit will generally value them more,

As well as acquiring craftsmanship along the way.

Biggie banks are an easy and fun way for children to save what is left over from their allowance.

Additionally,

We might even take them to the bank to open their own savings account.

We can also encourage them to deposit any money they receive on special occasions like birthdays or holidays to help their own future education fund.

While we are encouraging our children to save money,

We should also encourage them to choose friends who spend their money wisely and who know the value of saving,

So that they will have a good influence on one another.

Second major concern facing parents today is not having enough time to spend with their children.

With so much time spent each day simply earning a living to support the family,

Where can a parent possibly find enough time to hang out with their kids?

The easy way out is often to allow our children to spend more time watching tv,

In other words,

To let the television babysit the kids.

Unfortunately,

Excessive amounts of entertainment or age-inappropriate media may make children more aggressive,

Prematurely sexualized,

Or teach them profanity.

Furthermore,

They may become unwilling puppets to popular culture and commercialism.

Television programs are useful in as far as they are educational,

But rather than indiscriminate viewing,

There ought to be house rules for the quality of the content and the length of time spent watching it.

For example,

That tv time should not interfere with schoolwork or household chores.

Kids shouldn't get to watch tv whenever they want.

They need to have a set time for homework,

Reviewing lessons,

Reading,

And helping with household chores,

And never get to watch tv late into the night,

Otherwise it will interfere with the kids' sleep patterns and academic performance.

Furthermore,

Television programs ought to be ones that promote healthy values.

The sort of programs useful for them to watch might be documentaries on science and technology,

Art and culture,

And this will enable them to learn more about their country,

Culture,

And background.

Virtuous role models found in educational tv programs can serve as their foundation for vision and wisdom in their future.

Of course,

These days tv watched together as a family,

With parents dominating the remote control,

Is relatively rare,

And a lot more potential risks are associated with private viewing,

Computer media,

Games,

Online gambling,

Pedophile trolls,

Stolen Netflix passwords,

And so forth.

And this brings me to a third major parental headache,

Which for short we could refer to as the internet,

Which can have both positive and negative consequences depending on how it's used.

I suppose screen time is the parental watchword to prevent death scrolling and avoid some of the problems already mentioned concerning indiscriminate consumption of media encroaching on sleep time.

Everybody needs their sleep,

And if children go to bed too late,

Then they will not want to get up in the morning,

Causing their parents additional problems.

Any family ought to aim to have house rules regarding time management to allow for enough sleep,

Chores,

Meditation,

And homework,

Alongside well-defined viewing of educational media as a recipe for brightening our children's future.

Although money,

Entertainment,

And the internet may seem like major problems in bringing up children,

They can be eclipsed completely by the sort of problems stemming from substance abuse.

We might start out by spoiling our children simply to conceal any embarrassment to do with poverty in our family.

In spite of our best intentions,

Spoiling our children neglects their emotional and spiritual growth.

Spoiled children usually end up more unhappy in the long term because they suffer when they cannot always get what they want,

And they end up with a lack of self-control that can spiral into drugs,

Drinking alcohol,

And otherwise behaving outrageously.

To prevent our children from going down this path of self-destructive behavior and addiction or self-harm,

We mustn't forget our role as a teacher to our children.

For as long as self-destructive behaviors have not yet taken root,

It might be sufficient for us simply to teach them about ethics,

What is right and wrong behavior,

And how they can demonstrate self-discipline.

However,

If they have already begun to develop self-destructive behavior,

Then we need to address the problem immediately.

If our children already are using drugs or alcohol or are addicted to any type of illegal substance,

We would find it useful to approach them for a discussion without anger.

Let them know of our concern.

Allow them to come to their own conclusions about their behavior once they understand that our concern comes from a sense of them having betrayed our love for them.

Often,

They make choices without understanding why their decisions are wrong.

Sometimes,

They do not even realize that they were worrying or hurting us.

As for families that are already in crisis,

Effective solutions need to be worked out together by remembering that a parent's love for their children is not enough,

That love needs to be tempered by reason and understanding and possibly outside help if the parent is overwhelmed.

However,

With hard work as a parent,

We need to have faith that sooner or later we can retrieve the loving relationship with our children that can restore harmony and happiness to the family.

And although I'll come back to the subject of mindfulness in rehab for blessing number 20 on not drinking intoxicants,

While on the subject of discussion of damage control relating to our children,

Different cultures seem to have different approaches to recovery from substance abuse.

The western style of rehab tends to be extremely tough on youngsters and relies on synthetic opiates for pain relief during their withdrawal.

Young people in the western style of rehab tend to be very much down to their own personal resolve to see rehab through to completion.

In Asia,

By contrast,

Even Buddhist societies still have the problem of addiction amongst young people.

But through things like parental support,

The social capital of love for the family is leveraged more than in the west.

And one example of this that has gained international renown in recent years has been that of Wat Tam Kabok in Saraburi in Thailand,

Where monks administer herbal emetics to clear the system of addicts in their rehab system.

Having to live in a temple voluntarily throughout the rehab also supports the users to engage with spiritual resources of resilience,

Like taking a vow together each morning not to give in to urges,

Bolstering respect,

Like being visited by their school fellows each day as a reminder of how selfish behavior is damaging to a wider society,

And encouraging gratitude towards significant others such as their parents who give their support through the course of rehabilitation.

So,

As it isn't my intention to put you off having a family completely,

I'd like to finish up with a story of redemption about parenting which today comes from the Dhammapada commentary about Anattapindika,

Who was one of the principal male supporters of the Buddha.

Although this man was wealthy and a close supporter of the Buddha,

It didn't mean he had no problems in his family life.

He had a son called Kala,

Who always stayed away whenever the Buddha or any monks came to their house.

Anattapindika was afraid that if his son kept on behaving like this,

He would end up with bad habits and lack spiritual wisdom.

So,

Anattapindika enticed his son to do good deeds with the promise of money,

An approach which in Buddhism is known as skillful means.

He promised to give his son 100 Gahapanas if the young man consented to go to the monastery and keep the precepts for just one day.

So,

Basically he bribed his son to go to the temple.

The son duly went to the temple,

Curled up and went to sleep under the shade of a tree.

He didn't hear any teaching and as soon as he woke up he went straight home again to claim his reward.

He got his 100 Gahapanas and a new proposal from his father.

This time a bigger bribe if he would go to the temple and listen to a sermon and remember one teaching well enough to tell his father about it when he got home.

If he could remember more than one teaching,

Then he would get more money.

At the outset,

Kala was only interested in the money,

But later the teachings started to be absorbed into his heart.

One day the Buddha himself was giving the teaching and noticed that Kala was beginning to have more of a genuine interest in the Dharma.

So,

That day the Buddha taught on a very difficult subject.

Kala had to concentrate very carefully to understand it at all.

As a result of his effort to concentrate,

That day Kala was able to attain enlightenment at the level of stream entry.

That day when he went home and his father offered him money,

He wouldn't take it saying that he had already gained something more precious within himself.

So,

This is a story of the unusual lengths parents sometimes have to go to to ensure their children grow up with the blessing of spiritual wisdom.

So,

In conclusion from this session on cherishing our children today,

As a parent you need to love your children without spoiling them and you should never love them so much that you can't bear to punish them.

You also need to be a teacher to your child since a parent has many roles to play.

You need to be lenient and not over fussy while making time for your children.

If you have occasion to scold them,

Then do so without losing your temper and whether it is praise or criticism,

Do it while the incident is still fresh in the child's mind.

You need to train child to take responsibility for appropriate household chores from an early age and don't forget the material sport for any child is not enough.

They need spiritual knowledge as well.

So,

This session I have introduced to you blessing number 12 on cherishing your children.

For my next session I'll move on to the lucky blessing 13 about caring for our spouse which explains how married life can bring out the best in each other.

Hopefully as a result of today's session you'll be a little bit more savvy or at least forewarned in the task of raising a family.

So,

For today this is me Pratt Nicholas Tinderstrow signing off for now.

So long folks and stay safe.