Setting Boundaries To Reduce Stress

In today's session with Terri Cole, you will learn all about the importance of setting boundaries when it comes to stress management and reducing stress overall. By learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, individuals can reduce the stress of feeling overwhelmed or over-committed and can prioritize their own needs and values in order to promote positive emotional wellbeing. It is not enough to know your boundaries. You need to know how to implement them.

Transcript

Welcome to Day 10 of Insight Timer's Strategies for Stress Challenge.

Let's take a moment to get settled.

Close your eyes,

Take a deep breath in and exhale out.

Let's dive in to today's strategy for stress.

Well,

Hello there and welcome to Insight Timer's Strategy for Stress Challenge.

Throughout the course of this challenge,

You're learning all sorts of different strategies to not only help you handle stress in the short term,

But lifestyle changes that you can make to shift your relationship with stress in the long term.

My name is Terry Cole.

I'm a licensed psychotherapist and the author of Boundary Boss.

And today,

I want to talk to you about the importance of setting boundaries when it comes to stress management and reducing stress overall.

So I want to start with just getting on the same page as to my definition of boundaries.

I want you to think about having healthy boundaries as like your own personal rules of engagement.

This is how we let other people know what's okay with us and what's not okay with us.

Having healthy boundaries requires you to know your preferences,

Your limits,

And your deal breakers,

Like the non-negotiables in your life.

And you can't just know them,

Right?

This herein lies the rub.

You're not enough to know them.

You have to have the ability to communicate them when you so choose.

It's really simply telling the truth about how you feel,

What you do want,

What you don't want,

What you do need,

And what you don't need.

So the question that I think is one that we need to answer is,

Why is it so hard?

Why is it tough for us to set boundaries with other people?

Well,

In reality,

Nobody ever taught you how to do it.

So that's probably the number one reason why it's hard.

But there's so many other reasons.

Fear of rejection.

You may have the disease to please.

You might be conflict avoidant.

You may not even realize when a boundary has been crossed.

Maybe you do realize when a boundary has been crossed,

But you don't have the right words.

You don't know how to actually speak the boundary words in the moment.

You might worry about what other people think about you.

You might be afraid of hurting someone else's feelings.

And maybe you really don't know what your preferences,

Your limits,

And your deal breakers are.

What do healthy boundaries do and how are they related to stress reduction?

Healthy boundaries,

They allow us to confidently say yes or no when we want to.

Separate your needs,

Thoughts,

Feelings,

And issues from other people's.

When we have healthy boundaries,

We know how to prioritize our own preferences and our own pleasures.

Now this builds high self-respect,

Leading to more self-esteem.

We can also accept no from others.

A lot of times when we talk about boundaries,

We're doing a lot of focusing on us,

Us creating boundaries,

Us being able to say no from a very me-centric place.

But in reality,

Becoming a boundary master means that we need to be able to accept other people's boundaries as well.

Other things that indicate you have healthy boundaries is that you know how to share your personal information gradually in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship,

As opposed to just spilling it all on the first date,

Let's say.

Healthy boundaries help you avoid burnout,

Protect your physical and emotional space from intrusion,

From violations.

Healthy boundaries help you feel secure,

Centered,

And protected.

It helps you manage your time well,

Not working on your days off,

All of those types of things.

Because think about disordered boundaries create stress.

They are stress-inducing.

Right?

If we're saying yes,

When we really want to say no,

That isn't free.

What comes with that is resentment,

Is constriction,

Is being angry at the other person for having the audacity to ask us,

As opposed to taking responsibility for setting the limit there.

So there's been multiple studies that have been done about the connection between boundaries and stress.

And some of the most interesting takeaways that I found are these.

By learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries,

Individuals can reduce the stress of feeling overwhelmed or overcommitted,

And can prioritize their own needs and values in order to promote positive emotional well-being.

Right?

And when we are less stressed,

We have much more positive emotional well-being.

When individuals were able to set and maintain healthy boundaries,

They're better able to manage their own stress,

Because what we're really saying,

And what they found in these studies,

Is that you can prioritize your needs and avoid taking on responsibilities or activities that are not in line with your values or your goals.

And one of the studies that I found that was super interesting is that individuals who are able to set and maintain clear personal boundaries with their partners reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction,

While those who had difficulty setting boundaries reported lower levels of satisfaction.

The author of that study suggests that this relationship between boundary enactment and relationship satisfaction may be due to the fact that having well-defined boundaries can reduce stress and anxiety in relationships.

So it's also not just something that we're doing for ourselves.

It's something that when we have better boundaries,

When we are less stressed out at work,

With our family,

With our partners,

With our friends,

We're better to be with.

We're happier in our lives.

But it creates more harmony in our relationships as well.

I mean,

There's so many reasons why reducing stress is a good idea,

But I can tell you from being a therapist for 25 years that creating healthy boundaries,

Being able to talk true,

As I would call it,

Alleviates so much anxiety and stress.

When we know where we end and the other person begins,

When we don't say yes,

When we want to say no.

And I think that one of the biggest myths about boundaries that keeps us people-pleasing is we're so afraid to be considered not nice or rude.

And when you really think about it,

Saying yes when you really want to say no isn't actually nice.

And it's a short-term gain for a long-term problem.

So there's something really powerful about you becoming more literate when it comes to boundaries,

What you need,

What you want,

And how you feel.

So let's sort of move into what you can do.

And actually,

We're going to do it together right now.

I want to introduce you to a practice that you can use to better understand where you need boundaries.

Now,

You can do this on a daily or weekly basis to see how you're doing with establishing and maintaining boundaries,

Because your level of stress will be directly related to how well or poorly you're establishing boundaries.

So together,

We're going to be taking a stress inventory right now.

We all know that setting boundaries can be challenging,

Especially if you're used to putting other people's needs before your own.

However,

Taking care of yourself and prioritizing your own well-being is essential for reducing stress and living a more fulfilling life.

So taking the stress inventory is a helpful way to assess your current level of stress and identify areas where you may need to set boundaries.

So here's the activity we're going to do right now.

So I want you to get a piece of paper,

And you're going to divide that paper into three columns.

The first column you're going to use to write down activities and responsibilities,

Circumstances,

Relationships that are currently causing you stress.

In column number two,

You're going to rate the level of stress each item is causing you on a scale of one to ten,

One being very low,

Ten being very high.

And in the third column,

You're going to write down one boundary that you could set to reduce the stress associated with each item.

So,

For example,

In the first column,

You may be watching your sister's kids twice a week.

Maybe that's causing you a lot of stress.

Maybe that's making you rush out of work twice a week and you're getting in trouble with your boss or your coworkers.

So now that's going to be what you put in the first column,

Is watching your nieces and nephews twice a week.

In the second column,

You're going to rate how much stress that creates for you.

So let's just say it's really stressful,

And you're going to rate it as a nine.

And in the third column,

Where you're going to identify a boundary that you can use that will help reduce the stress level,

You may write,

Talk to my sister and tell her that I can only watch the kids once a week because my plate is too full.

Now think of other things that you can do.

What else could you do in that exact situation?

You can get a script together of what you're going to say to your sister,

Because here's the thing about drawing boundaries.

I love this activity that we're doing,

And I think it's super helpful.

But you also may need help with the words.

So if you do,

Let's just say in that column three,

You can start by saying,

You know how much I love being with the kids,

Right?

We can always start a boundary request with positivity,

With sweetness.

And I imagine you do love being with the kids.

So you know that I love spending time with the kids,

And watching them twice a week is too much because my plate is too full.

So I'd like to make a simple request that instead of on Mondays and Wednesdays,

That I'm just doing it on Mondays.

When my schedule opens up,

If I can do it more,

I will.

So don't get caught up on the boundary script right now.

In column three,

I just want you to write down what boundary action you can take or something that you believe will reduce the stress that what is happening in number one is causing you.

So don't worry about the clock.

I'll keep my eye on the time.

We're going to take the next three minutes or so for you to write out your stress inventory.

So now it's time to come back from writing your stress inventory.

Put down your pen,

Take a deep breath.

And I just want to ask you,

How did that make you feel?

Was there relief in identifying the specific situations or circumstances causing you stress?

Were you able to identify a positive boundary action that you can take to reduce some of your stress?

Please share your experiences in the discussion forum because there is something so powerful when we are witnessed by each other in our transformation.

Feel free to share your most stress-inducing situations and your boundary ideas.

For more support in creating and maintaining healthy boundaries,

Please go to my Insight Timer profile,

Where you'll find a boundary-setting meditation that I created just for you.

I hope that this session added value to your life.

And as always,

Take care of you.

Reviews

I had never linked boundaries with stress, but now I realize how connected they are!! Thank you, Terri, as always 🌈

Thank you, that was so helpful and practical. I plan to revisit my notes again when I start to feel overwhelmed

This is an excellent exercise, Terri❣️ I feel calmer about setting my boundaries now. Thank you🤍💙💚

Excellent suggestions. It feels good to learn how to be proactive instead of a victim.

This was super helpful and was explained in a clear and practical manner. I gained greater insight about the relationship between stress and boundaries. Thanks

I love the idea of writing down boundaries. Makes it a little more easier to request than just coming out and saying the wrong thing.