Anger: Responding, Not Reacting

Anger is natural, intelligent and necessary for surviving and flourishing. Yet when we are hooked by anger, it causes great personal and collective suffering. This talk explores how to transform patterns of reactivity by bringing a mindful and compassionate attention to the unmet needs that underlie angry reactivity. When we learn how to pause and connect honestly with our inner experience, we are then able to respond to others from our full intelligence and heart.

“Getting angry with another person is like throwing hot coals with bare hands: both people get burned.” Buddha

Transcript

Namaste and welcome.

Tonight's class is on mindfulness of anger and working with anger.

And I don't know if anyone here… if you want to leave now,

If it's not relevant,

Then go ahead.

I saw a cartoon of a bunch of monks on the D.

C.

Mall and some of them had their hands and fists and the leaders with the megaphone saying,

What do we want?

Mindfulness.

When do we want it?

Now!

You know.

Universal.

So we look at anger with the understanding of it's part of all of our wiring,

That it's absolutely essential for our survival and our flourishing,

It's an intelligent emotion and it can be incredibly destructive when we get hijacked,

When it takes over.

And so the critical inquiry that we'll explore together really is how do we shift from reacting out of anger to responding wisely to whatever the message is because this is the trajectory of evolving consciousness that we make that shift from reactivity when only part of our brain isn't controlled,

The limbic system,

To a response that includes all of our brain and wisdom and heart.

And we start with a parable that I shared a year or two ago that I love.

It's the parable of the prickly porcupine.

And as it begins,

It was the coldest winter ever.

Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines realized the situation decided to group together.

This way they covered and protected themselves.

But the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they shared their heat with each other.

After a while they decided to distance themselves one from the other to stop being wounded.

As they did this they began to die,

Alone and frozen.

So they had to make a choice,

Either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the earth.

Wisely they decided to go back to being together.

This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion.

But the most important part of it was the heat that came from the others that enabled them to survive the coldest winter yet.

So the understanding we get from this is that it's inevitable,

That we have clashes and needs and that we prick each other and it's universal and that even the best closest relationships anger gets evoked.

There is just these misunderstandings,

We have these histories that play out with each other.

And of course the more raw our wounding the more sensitive we are to getting pricked.

That's the given.

And as humans we have had our great success as a species – and I say success with quotes around it,

Of course – is that we do have this capacity to collaborate,

To cooperate with each other,

To make it work out with each other and sustain connection.

And again it's due to this recently evolved frontal cortex that does have this capacity for empathy,

Really sensing what it's like for others and for mindfulness,

For noticing when we are getting really reactive and the suffering it causes and a quality of compassion that wants to act on that suffering.

So we have that and yet it's completely not easy.

I mean we are still taken over all the time,

Possessed all the time.

And certainly on a societal level there is a sense that there is some covering that has been stripped away and we are really sensing the rawness right now that has always been there but it's more evident and it's taking the form of,

You know,

Outright anger and a lot of fear and rawness and… So there is a kind of limbic spiraling right now of anger and reactivity.

And on a personal level I don't know anyone that hasn't struggled with anger.

I can say that just period.

I just don't know anyone that hasn't certainly angry about what goes on in our society and anger on a personal level.

So the inquiry here for us is when you get poked or stabbed either in a personal relationship or by reading the newspaper – which is a really hard thing to do and not feel the pricks,

You know – what happens inside you and how do you work with that?

I mean if somebody criticizes you or breaks a promise in some way or talks about you behind your back in a disparaging way or insults you or maybe hurts a loved one,

What happens?

Do we instantly lock into blame and defensiveness and aggression?

There is a cartoon with a dog on a psychiatrist's couch who says,

I bark at everything.

You can't go wrong that way.

So I mean some of us are primed like whatever comes up we just,

You know,

Just lash into whatever.

And if not outwardly mentally we go into this looping of resentment.

It's just hard to get it out of our system when something goes off,

Especially criticism.

And some of us act out and then regret it,

Some of us apologize.

One writer says – this is Rita Rudner – she says,

My grandmother is a very tough woman.

She buried three husbands.

Two of them were just napping.

So she didn't have regrets and apologize.

And as we begin to practice mindfulness we start noticing our patterns and being able to pause and have some more choices.

And that's really what we are going to dive into now.

And there are really three principles in investigating anger.

And one I have mentioned it's absolutely a necessary natural intelligent emotion that lets us know when we have a need that's… where we have an obstacle that we need to act.

The second basic teaching or principle is again I have mentioned when we get hijacked.

By hijacked means when our whole identity starts getting organized around anger,

When it becomes not just a state of mind but more of a trait,

More ongoing,

That sense of blame and resentment,

Then there is suffering.

There is suffering because we cut off from the wholeness of our being,

From our wisdom,

From our heart,

And we cut off from others.

So there is suffering.

And then the third is that if we can learn to pause and deepen presence we can transform our life in a way that gives profound freedom,

Profound freedom.

It's possible then if we can pause and go inside – and I call this the U-turn – instead of blaming and being angry,

If we can pause and bring our attention within ourselves then we are able to respond in a powerful way,

An intelligent way,

A compassionate way.

So I want to look at those three but I am going to say the underlying attitude that really can free you from the habit of kind of this twitch of getting angry and fixating outward is what is sometimes described as taking one hundred percent responsibility for your experience.

And this isn't new news to probably anyone but it's a powerful context to hold for things or a filter for everything,

On some level to know that you are not responsible for how others behave,

You are not responsible for the outcome of a relationship,

But you can be a hundred percent responsible for what experience you have.

Okay,

So we are going to get into that some more.

So just to say that for many people because of our culture and having a taboo on anger looks bad or whatever – although that is shifting now,

It is beginning to look good to some people but it is not always that way.

A lot of us have a sensor that goes on around it.

It is really important to be able to see that because to not be able to access that energy can be really… can cause a tremendous amount of suffering.

I worked with one young woman – young meaning now anybody that is younger than sixty-four is young to me – but I worked with one woman in her early twenties and she was continuously being re-traumatized by her father's anger.

And so she didn't know how to really create a distance or create boundaries.

So we began to explore it and as she began to acknowledge,

Yes,

I am being harmed,

This is abuse,

When she could actually accept,

This is abusive,

This is hurting,

This is making me feel very,

Very terrified and very small and very ashamed,

When she began to get that this was abuse,

In order to open to her rage she had to forgive that it was there.

And I do this,

I have actually taken this on as a practice,

That I will get a surge of anger and often I will have to say,

Forgive and forgive and it is okay.

Not like this is bad but I forgive it,

But this is like the weather,

The inner weather system that is here,

It is okay,

It is really okay.

And that is what she had to do.

She had to say,

Forgive and it is really okay this rage is here.

And once she started doing that we started working with that energy and it was incredibly intelligent and empowering for her,

It guided her to be able to sense what boundaries did she need.

When we are angry there is an unmet need.

We miss the unmet need,

We can't even figure it out or tune into it if we just stay in the outward directed anger.

But once we start investigating we will find,

Oh,

I have a need to feel safe,

I have a need to feel cared about or respected or whatever it is and for her safety and respect was a real big one.

So she began to create the boundaries,

I won't be with you if you are drinking,

I won't spend time with you if you become demeaning,

If you raise your voice I am not going to be around.

So anger is intelligent,

We need to acknowledge that.

And for her it turned into suffering.

And I will tell you how.

She got into a relationship and that rage she had towards her father kind of hardened into the story of blame and being a victim and projecting others being like her father and so carried over in a big way into her current relationship and it wasn't until she really did that U-turn and sensed the depth of the wound from her father and the grief about it that she could begin to use anger again as an intelligent messenger but not have it take over.

So anger is intelligent,

It has a function.

The Tibetans describe the essence of anger as wise discrimination,

That there is some clarity in there that detects,

Okay,

Something needs attention.

And if we don't pay attention and we are not alert it can take over.

So part three,

The rest of our time,

How do we work with it?

How do we pause and deepen our attention?

And the beginning,

And as you know when we do these classes I invite you to pick areas where you feel like you have gotten stuck,

Is that we start identifying,

Okay,

So what is my primary pattern in terms of getting angry?

Unless you are familiar with your patterning you won't be able to catch it and pause,

Right?

So we bring it into awareness.

And I will just name four primary ways that we end up expressing our aggression and one of them is of course the direct lashing out in anger.

One writer,

Lawrence Peters,

Says,

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

So it is that direct lashing out,

It is like phew,

Out there.

Then there is the more passive-aggressive approaches where we control by withholding our affections or indirect put-downs or judgments.

There is some manipulation where we are trying to control the other,

Guilt,

Whatever,

But not being direct.

It is like the woman who took out a personals ad after a fight that she got into in her marriage and it says,

Free to a good home.

And on one side of the ad you see a picture of a little kitten.

Beautiful six-month-old male kitten,

Orange and caramel tabby,

Playful,

Friendly,

Very affectionate,

Ideal for family with kids.

Or,

The other side has a young man in it,

Handsome,

Thirty-two-year-old husband,

Personable,

Funny,

Good job,

Doesn't like cats,

Says either he goes or the cat goes.

Call Jennifer,

Come see both and decide what you would like.

So there is direct lashing out,

There is passive-aggressive.

And then one that I really feel is important to mention is punishing,

Like in some way threatening and punishing.

It can happen intimidating people but,

You know,

You behave or else.

And that is a big one.

And then of course there is gossip,

Ways that we put others down,

Slandering them.

The challenge is that in any of these,

Whether it is the internal anger being played that is punitive or judgmental or the external acting out or the passive-aggressive,

With any of them they are fixated outward and so we are not going to be able to meet the needs that are actually underneath the anger.

That is the idea here.

I mean,

Think about it.

I mean,

If you think for yourself the last time you lashed out angrily,

You know,

Did that help the other person to become more cooperative?

Did you get your needs met?

I mean,

Most of us find that people get very defensive and we actually don't go at all towards meeting our needs.

The Buddha put it this way,

He says,

Getting angry with another person is like throwing cut coals with bare hands,

Both people get burned.

And then Gandhi put it well,

He said,

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

I heard an interesting piece where one master said to have asked his disciples,

Why do we shout when we are angry?

Why do people shout when they are upset?

Do you have a sense of why?

When people tried answering him one said,

Well,

You know,

We lose our calm,

We shout for that.

People couldn't really answer him.

Why do you shout at a person when you are angry?

And finally he explained,

When two people are angry at each other their hearts distance a lot and so to cover that distance they must shout to be able to be heard by each other and the angrier they are the stronger they have to shout trying to get through to the other over that distance.

He also said,

What happens when two people fall in love?

They don't shout at each other but talk very softly.

Why?

Because their hearts are very close.

The distance between them is very small.

So we get familiar with our own patterning,

Whatever it happens to be,

And start noticing the suffering that comes with it.

The big question is what is it like when we act out?

And you might just close your eyes for a moment.

We will just check this out for a second.

I would like to invite you in this pause to bring to mind a recent situation where you got activated,

Where you reacted and got angry and that you regretted it.

And again you might sense what style of aggression it was,

Whether you were angry and you spoke behind somebody's back or you raised your voice or you just got caught in a long spin of resentment.

Take some moments to investigate the situation and just notice for yourself what was the outcome of getting angry?

What was the effect on the other person?

Did you get your needs met?

Just to deepen it a little,

When you were caught in it,

In that reactivity,

What is your sense of yourself?

Like what is the sense of the kind of person you are?

Do you like yourself?

And the investigation is not to add judgment but just to sense really with an awake awareness the suffering,

The squeeze of being inside that cocoon of anger,

How it makes us small when it takes over.

So the steps to begin to alter the patterning begin with this liberating attitude which really undoes the victimhood which is that we are a hundred percent responsible for our experience.

Okay.

And you can open your eyes right now but again it is not for how… let's say if you are looking over that last one it is not for how others behaved obviously but when you are pricked,

When you are hurt,

Responsible means you are a hundred percent able to respond to yourself and the other and the situation in a way that at least you can take care of your own experience with understanding and with empathy.

There is a way you can frame this as an intention that when as soon as you get angry if some part of you says,

Please may this serve deepening connection and understanding,

Please may I wake up through this,

As soon as you do that you are taking a hundred percent responsibility.

That is another angle for the same thing.

So here you are and you are getting activated.

First step is to pause.

No matter what,

Pause.

If you are activated there is no way you can create a new neuro-pathway,

A new pattern of response unless you pause.

Does that make sense?

And what that means is that sometimes you won't be able to because you will be caught in a back forth and you will just lose it and then you just forgive yourself and it is okay.

I mean you can't always pause.

We just don't have that control.

But sometimes we do.

I am going to tell you a few stories to kind of give you examples.

But the first step is that you pause and you make that U-turn knowing that no matter how much the other person seems like the trigger the place to attend is what is going on inside us.

So the U-turn is the beginning of being able to respond with more intelligence.

And my first example – it is hard to talk about anger and so I am going to tell you one of the times I was most angry in my whole life which was at my son.

And this was a long time ago but it really… you know,

It is still… in fact he and I talked about it just recently because I wanted to see if his memory matched mine.

So I will share that.

So in bringing up Narayan one of my biggest values was truth-telling.

And I wasn't a super punishing mom like barely at all.

So it wasn't really hard for him.

You know,

He was actually quite honest except once.

And he was nine or ten I don't remember.

But he and a friend stole some snacks from a snack bar at a swim club.

And I heard about it through some other parents that had found out.

I don't quite remember that pathway.

But when I confronted him he said,

Oh,

Somebody is lying.

It was just to make him look bad.

In other words he denied it.

And I was filled with a rage on like… I was very unfamiliar with that level of rage.

So we both took a time out.

And I told him right then that I needed a time out and he needed a time out.

So we both took a time out.

During mine – I have no idea what he did during his – but during mine I brought a lot of… I did the U-turn in other words.

And again the U-turn means bringing a mindful attention and a kind attention to what is going on inside us.

And I let the rage be there like rain.

You recognize and allow it.

Okay,

It is rage.

Let it be there.

And then I was investigated.

I found underneath the rage was a really deep sense of hurt.

Like it hurt my feelings that he had broken the rules and lied to me.

And underneath even the hurt was grief because it just felt like such a severing.

And to this day there is nothing that can activate me more I think than a sense of being somebody lying to me because in some way that is the ultimate severing of our consensual togetherness.

So that is what had happened.

So I got in touch with that sense of severed belonging,

Of the grief of being distanced from this person that I adored and just brought a tremendous amount of compassion to it.

I just sat with it and held a lot of compassion.

And that gave me more space and then I could imagine,

Well,

What would he be going through?

Because my unmet need was the need for feeling connected,

Feeling integrity,

Feeling,

You know,

Belonging with him.

So I imagine his unmet need,

You know,

In this process would of course be that he was afraid.

He was afraid of being punished.

So we talked.

And when we talked I named very… I named exactly what I just named to you that I was… I felt a lot of rage when this happened.

And when I got under the rage I was feeling a lot of grief and hurt.

And I cried.

And as soon as he got it,

The realness,

All his defenses… His defenses couldn't hold up.

And then of course he was very upset because he had made me upset and,

You know,

And we were able to talk so he could see the impact of his lie,

You know.

I learned a lot because I realized that there was nothing that could have been more impactful to him than me being real.

Any sort of punishing,

Any act out of anger would not have brought us to that place.

And I can say that he has been amazingly honest even,

You know,

Even things that are very hard for both of us to hold but basically not… it's never out of bounds,

He is a great kid or grown-up man now,

But that was a pivotal thing.

So I am naming that because when we pause and come back to our own experience we can get to the vulnerability that actually can begin to defuse the situation.

We become more of an integrated whole being when we re-enter.

A woman sent me this poem she calls Anger.

My grandkids were relieved to hear that I was on my way today to a temper modification program called meditation.

Or at least that's how they see it.

I see things differently.

Sitting in silence I reconnect life-scattered pieces.

Sitting in silence I reconnect life-scattered pieces.

So a hundred percent responsible means that we can respond.

We have that power.

It's incredibly empowering.

So the key principles,

When there is anger,

Both people there is an unmet need.

When there is unmet needs if we focus on the other,

What's wrong with that person,

We will never get our needs met.

If we make the U-turn we can get in touch with the vulnerability and the needs within us and then respond in a way that takes care of ourselves and others.

The idea is not to suppress anger or act out of it but to let its energy guide us in discovering how to take care of needs.

Now the question often comes,

Well,

When do I speak out?

And for me the response is whenever it has a chance of increasing understanding and connection speak out.

Whenever speaking out will help you to take care of unmet needs speak out if it's possible.

Story I heard a while back.

A couple had been married for sixty years and to stay together for that long you have to be completely honest with your partner.

So the husband and wife were very open and shared everything and didn't have any secrets from each other.

Well almost.

The wife kept a shoe box in the closet which she had asked her husband not to open or even ask about.

And the man never thought about the box in sixty years until the day his wife got very sick.

The doctor said she wouldn't make it.

While trying to sort out their affairs the husband took the shoe box to his wife's bedside and she agreed it was time for him to see what was inside.

The man's eyes widened as he discovered ninety-five thousand dollars and two crocheted dolls in the box.

She said,

When we were to be married my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.

The husband was deeply touched.

Two dolls meant she was angry with him only twice in sixty years.

Honey,

He said after overcoming the emotions that… He said,

That explains the doll.

But what about all this money?

Where did it all come from?

Oh that,

The wife said,

That's the money I made from selling the dolls.

So it's a fun one but I want to remind you again that anger is not bad.

It's an alert asking for attention and we can be a hundred percent responsible and others able to respond and talk and communicate in a way that doesn't blame,

That actually brings more intimacy.

And to have real intimacy we have to be able to speak truths.

Some of you remember Adrienne Rich who says,

An honorable human relationship that is one in which two people have the right to use the word love is a process of deepening the truths they can tell each other.

It's a process of deepening the truths they can tell each other.

She says,

It's important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.

So as we explore again how we work with anger in our own lives it's not about stuffing it.

It's about making the U-turn and then being able to communicate from a much wiser place.

So the last piece we'll explore really is how do we do that communicating.

Once there is anger going on how do we communicate to each other?

And I recommend Marshall Rosenberg's work on non-violent communication as one example of a very simple formula that is very synergistic to what we are talking about with the U-turn with mindfulness inside.

And what he basically teaches – and this is so you can sense the intuitively – is that when there is conflict and when both people are angry to begin by naming what happened objectively – you know,

When such and such happened – not adding a blame kind of thing like when you told me that you weren't going to be able to do the vacation we planned then you just name that not when you after all that time broke your promise and did it,

You know,

In other words just real simple objectively what happened and then here is the key,

You just name I felt such and such because I needed… you name your need.

Naming the feeling and naming the need.

And I'll give you an example of some of the descriptions of situations.

When we are in a car and you say,

The car ahead is slowing,

There is a stop sign,

Don't pass now,

That makes me feel… then I go into feeling mistrusted and put down because I need to feel respected for my driving.

So that would be an example of just saying it clearly.

Another example,

When we agree on leaving at 7 pm and it is 7.

15 and you aren't home yet,

Again,

That is saying it clearly versus adding other layers.

So an example of anger,

Being in an angry clash and talking.

I want to give you that example and then I am going to do a meditation where you get to try it out.

So this is a story of my husband and I from way back in the days when we were young and confused,

Long,

Long time ago.

This actually was our first years together.

We had very early on agreed to have a couple of times a week a morning check-in where we would meditate together and see how things were going.

And it mattered to me more than it mattered to him in terms of keeping our timing and so on.

And one morning I was… the night before he told me he had something scheduled so we would have to shorten our check-in and that triggered me.

And so that morning right at the beginning of the check-in I told him that I said it just right,

I said,

When you told me that we were going to have to reduce the time of our check-in I felt really angry.

And then he judged me for judging him aggressively.

So he got very angry at me for being angry at him for something he didn't think… he warranted anger.

So that is the background.

You don't need any more than that.

So we did it just right.

We did this non-violent communicating just right.

You know,

When you said,

I am upset,

I felt angry and… This is what he said to me,

When you said,

I am upset with you,

I felt angry and fearful because I need to feel understanding and acceptance and safety,

You know,

I need… you know,

That kind of thing.

And I mirrored him and said… you know,

Said it back.

So we did it completely according to the protocol except we both felt completely crummy and there was zero empathy,

Okay?

We are still running our judgments.

The other person was still wrong.

And we felt disconnected and angry.

So basically we were not really in touch with ourselves.

We hadn't really done the full connecting inwardly.

Twenty-four hours later we both had chance to do it,

To really do the U-turn so we could truly be responsible and get in touch with our deeper intention.

And for me what happened in that twenty-four hours – and you will sense the parallels to with my son – is that underneath the circling blame,

You know,

Underneath the anger was a hurt feeling.

It was a sense of… it was kind of a young place that,

You know,

I am not lovable,

The feeling that,

You know,

If he really loved me he would cherish this time and want to spend time being close.

And so the need,

The deep need – remember there is always an unmet need – was to feel lovable,

Was to feel like I am mad or to feel special.

And for him during that time he really got in touch with how when he felt anger coming at him how much mistrust it brought up,

Like,

Oh,

I am really not safe.

I can't be who I am.

Something really bad could happen.

His need for safety.

So when we spoke and I was able to let him know that I went right into that very young unlovable,

I need love place,

And when he was able to let me know how he really got scared – he went to a young place that felt scared when he felt my anger – the empathy was there.

We both softened.

So it was then that we were able to start expressing what we needed from each other in order to work with this kind of a situation as long as there was a sense of blame we were defended.

So the key again is you have to pause.

And sometimes the pause can take twenty-four hours.

You have to pause long enough to get in touch with vulnerability.

Does that make sense?

If you want to be able to communicate with another person and not make them defensive.

Now I am going to name some of the challenges to this.

And one challenge is that people say to me,

Well,

What happens if it really seems like the other person or myself is really wrong?

Okay?

Some of you might be wondering that.

Like,

What if somebody is really wrong?

And this is the most critical discipline in the whole game which is no matter how wrong somebody seems according to you it still doesn't matter because being into that wrong,

You are wrong,

Is that those moments we are not connecting with what our real needs are and finding an integrated place within us so that we can actually communicate.

It doesn't matter whether they are right or wrong.

What matters is that we are a hundred percent responsible which means you have got to get back in touch with your own integrated heart-mind to be able to respond well.

Some of you might remember that that quote,

Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.

That if we act out and we haven't gotten in touch with what is there we can't really take care of ourselves or another.

So here is another question.

Okay,

I get it,

They are not intrinsically bad or wrong but they are harmful.

How do I keep my heart open if they keep wounding me?

Right?

That is an important question,

Right?

And so just to say that there is not a particular… it is case by case how do you take care of yourself.

But the more you have connected with your inner life and touched into your needs the more you will know what you need to do to create the proper boundaries.

You can leave a relationship,

You can decide not to spend time with someone,

But if you create your boundaries from anger and hatred you will never be taking the time you need to do the healing.

So it is to go inward.

Just to say that there is something called idiot compassion which is when you don't do that.

And idiot compassion is when you are trying so hard to be open-hearted and,

You know,

Okay,

Nobody is wrong,

Nobody is wrong,

That you don't know when to say no.

And this is from Pema Chodron.

She says,

Compassion doesn't only imply trying to be good.

When we find ourselves in an aggressive relationship we need to set clear boundaries.

The kindest thing we can do for everyone concerned is to know when to say enough.

Many people use Buddhist ideals to justify self-debasement.

In the name of not shutting our heart we let people walk all over us.

It is said that in order to not break our vow of compassion we have to learn when to stop aggression and draw the line.

There are times when the only way to bring down barriers is to set boundaries.

So really… We will try to post this quote because it feels that important.

When we talk about anger we are not talking… and not acting out of our limbic,

You know,

Not letting that hijack happen,

We are not talking about letting people walk all over us.

We are just talking about having the wisdom to first make the U-turn so we are in touch with ourselves.

Some people ask,

Well,

Does that mean I can never express anger,

That I always have to pause and make the U-turn?

You might be wondering that also.

And first of all no because you will express anger and you won't pause and that will happen so the deal is just to forgive it and understand.

And sometimes the container,

You and another person,

Can hold the anger and it needs to be felt.

But generally in order to heal we have to get in touch with what is there.

I am going to give you one last question that comes up because we could be spending,

You know,

Many,

Many weeks on this.

And that is,

Well,

I can process anger and emotions and communicate and so on but my partner can't.

What do I do then?

Or my friend can't?

And just to say it is often uneven.

That is part of how it is.

When it is uneven,

First of all,

The more you are a hundred percent responsible and therefore not blaming,

The more you will create a safe container for the other person to learn how to be able to check in and communicate in that way.

And even if it seems not fair like,

Oh,

I have to do all the work,

It is actually a blessing because if you have the capacity to be the one to know how to pause and reconnect with yourself you are going to be operating from a much more resourced place and it will ripple out.

It does have an effect on others.

So I would like to have us do a reflection together and explore this a little bit in our own experience.

So take a moment if you will when you come sitting still because it is so powerful to begin to explore situations where we have been playing out the same old behavior for decades and sense the possibility of creative new options.

In these moments sense yourself pausing right now.

And take some time to feel yourself in your body,

Feel your breath.

I would like to invite you to bring up some sort of a conflict where you felt distance and some resentment or blame with somebody,

Ideally somebody that you care about,

Somebody that you want to have a good connection with.

It could be a recent conflict or some ongoing way that you feel you get caught in judgment and blame,

The other person is reacting to.

And if you can't find someone you care about it,

You are close to,

Just somewhere that you feel you get caught in anger.

And for starters let yourself feel an openness about this,

What is possible if I am a hundred percent responsible for my experience?

Just to let this openness to… it is so empowering.

And let yourself review what happened.

This is if you are watching the movie of what happened in the conflict.

You can remember the words or see the expressions in the other's face and let yourself run it and then freeze the frame where the reactivity is really strong.

When you freeze the frame just sense this possibility that this is a pause time and making that U-turn and just checking inside yourself,

Okay,

So when I am in the thick of this what am I feeling?

Are you feeling scared,

Threatened,

Put down,

Disregarded,

Somebody is interfering with something that really matters to you,

Disrespected,

Not cared about?

What are you really needing if you are feeling not cared about?

The need would be to feel cared about.

What is the need or the needs?

Bring a very gentle attention to whatever you are noticing.

And if you feel blocked just know that you just need some time and you can continue this on your own pace,

Just a sense of what is that vulnerable part of me really needing?

Is it to feel respected or seen?

To feel loved?

Is it to feel understood?

See if you can offer some kindness to the place that has an unmet need,

Just some care right this moment if it helps to put your hand on your heart and just really be in relationship with that place.

Try that out.

And notice what happens when you offer kindness inward just in this moment.

You become just a real caring witness and presence to your own unmet need.

Sense that kind of coming home to yourself in a very kind way,

Presencing for yourself.

And it might be from this place you can think of the other person and even get a sense of maybe what that person was feeling or needing,

Where their anger was coming from.

And from this perspective you might sense what other options or choices would be possible and how you might respond to the person and the situation.

And in a deep way sense really who you are when you have made that U-turn and reconnected with yourself just to sense more of that wholeness of being that you are really sitting in and occupying the truth,

The awake heart.

I would like to close with a brief verse from John O'Donoghue.

He wrote this… He is called For Love in a Time of Conflict.

He says,

When the gentleness between you hardens and you fall out of your belonging with each other,

May the depths you have reached hold you still,

When no true word can be said or heard,

When you mirror each other in the script of hurt,

When even the silence has become raw untworn,

May you hear again an echo of your first music.

When the weave of affection starts to unravel and anger begins to sear the ground between you,

Before this weather of grief invites a black seed of bitterness to find root,

May your souls come to kiss.

Now is the time for one of you to be gracious,

Now is the time for one of you to be gracious,

To allow a kindness beyond thought and hurt.

Reach out with sure hands to take the chalice of your love and carry it carefully through this echoless waste until this winter pilgrimage leads you towards the gateway to spring.

Thank you for your attention.

Namaste.

For more talks and meditations and to learn about my schedule or join my email list please visit tarabrak.

Com.

Reviews

Very helpful at @4:00 AM. I searched the meditations for "anger," and when I saw that you had contributed one, I went for it. Now maybe I'll get some sleep. Thank you!

I’ve listened to this several times. So so helpful!

So helpful. Tara is wise and down to earth. I could listen to her all day.

The answer is always within. TY for being a leader in this quest.

Tara Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insights into conflict and anger management. I have listened to this talk many times, and hopefully, little by little your message is being absorbed by my brain, and is reflected in my compassion, as opposed to angst 🙏🏼🪷
I'm working on it........

Yep, I absolutely agree...and I just had my leg in a trap this morning. Thank you for the kind reminder! 😢❤️💚

A pot of golf this is… heart-nourishing, soul-soothing self-awareness in my pause and my response in 100% ownership for my hurt… thank you for the gift of knowing/feeling’ wgst this is for me 💜🥰💜

Engaging with practical insights, as usual, thank you!

Affirming and yet eye opening. Honest and Entertaining

This is a refreshing take on anger, the causes of anger and how to respond to anger. I found this talk entertaining and helpful.

Thank you for this beautiful talk and meditation . It really helped me manage my emotions now that I am going a through a deep ranger situation with my best friend. It is always better to learn to respond even if it means to get in touch with deep and old pain . This is not only helpful but meaningful and deep healing.
Ya Thank you so much Tara

Terrific insights into working with our anger. Helped me understand the emotional intelligence of anger and how to dance with such a heated emotion.

What a wonderful personalized journey walking with anger.

This talk gave me a deep peace and sense of understanding myself and others. Thank you 🙏🏼 “Vengeance is a lazy person’s grief,” that one will stick! I’m uncovering my deep needs with less resistance after hearing your voice and stories. Again, I thank you and God bless you!!

Very clear messages and extremely calm communication skills

Thank you so much for sharing this wisdom! It really resonated. I hope to take this into my relationship. Thank you again.

This was incredible. I loved the talk & could relate to the examples. I appreciate your guidance! 💛🙏🏻💜

What a beautiful wise woman. Word's that I will always remember, notes that I will always have.
Thankyou Tara.
Most kind regards Tracy Gillan.
God bless you twice 🙏🐦🙏

So powerful! I couldn’t have found this at a better time. This talk single-handedly changed my relationship to the reactivity I have been battling within myself. I am so grateful for her wisdom.

Just listened to this talk after having a heated conversation with my partner. I wanted to know why I reacted with frustration and disappointment to her. She also explained she was angry with me and didn't want to talk. This presentation talk has helped me greatly in gain a better understanding of where my frustration was coming from, fear, lack of comprehension, tiredness, resentment. Thank you for taking the time to share this talk.