Heal In Place. Fill Your Still. (Perfectionism)

I held myself to impossibly high standards. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Perfectionism differs from high achievement in one important way: where your focus lies. If you are striving for excellence, you will be happy about your achievements and learn from your mistakes. Perfectionism is a self-defeating way to move through the world.

My relationships with myself and the world were performance-based, not authentic. I pursued perfectionism hoping it will make me more acceptable. That failed.

Transcript

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor,

The enemy of the people.

It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life,

And it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft.

I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough,

Hitting each stepping stone just right,

You won't have to die.

The truth is that you will die anyway,

And that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you,

And have a lot more fun while they're doing it.

Quote by Anne Lamott.

This is Tammy Atman with the Stuck Stops Here.

Today's podcast is about perfectionism.

We are alone together experiencing fear and anxiety over what is happening in the world today.

I am using this time of reflection to nurture my recently discovered life purpose of sharing the resources I used on my healing journey,

Which began in 2014.

Many of us right now are sheltering in place with no distractions,

And also no escape.

This forced stillness can be torturous and painful for those feeling trapped by both the pandemic,

As well as the effects of a toxic childhood.

I've created these many podcasts with the goal to alleviate some of your pain by sharing my experiences in a very direct and succinct way.

I hope it is a doorway to your own healing journey,

Or that it is the wind at your back.

If you're already on a path to healing.

Perfectionism is something I believe our society has rewarded and celebrated to the detriment of our mental health.

Researchers are finding that it is dangerous and leads to a long list of health problems,

And that it is on the rise.

The rise in perfectionism doesn't mean each generation is actually becoming more accomplished.

It means we're getting sicker,

Sadder,

And even undermining our own potential.

There are two kinds of perfectionism.

Good perfectionism is someone who is striving for excellence,

Someone who puts in an effort and tries their best.

Bad perfectionism involves being overly self-critical and being concerned with how other people perceive you and also how you see yourself.

Back in my crazy days,

I was motivated by the fear of not succeeding and not by authentic ambition.

And only with my newly acquired awareness did I learn the difference.

Paul Hewitt,

Who co-authored the book Perfectionism,

A Relational Approach to Conceptualization,

Assessment,

And Treatment,

Says,

Setting high standards and aiming for excellence can be positive traits.

But perfectionism is dysfunctional because it is underscored by a person's sense of themselves as being permanently flawed or defective.

One way they try to correct that is by being perfect.

That was me.

I held myself to impossibly high standards.

Nothing I did was ever good enough.

Perfectionism is different from high achievement in one very important way,

Where your focus lies.

If you are striving for excellence,

You'll be happy about your achievements and learn from your mistakes.

Perfectionism is a self-defeating way to move through your world.

Making and admitting mistakes is a necessary and normal part of growing and learning and being human.

It also makes you better at your career and your relationships and at life in general.

By avoiding mistakes at any cost and fearing what you don't want to happen,

A perfectionist like me can make it harder to reach what is probably unattainable and unrealistic goals.

How I wished I had learned that decades ago.

I learned that perfectionism doesn't just hold you back from being successful and productive and your best self.

It is linked to depression,

Anxiety,

Self-sabotaging behaviors,

Social anxiety disorder,

Obsessive compulsive disorder,

Eating disorders,

Addictions,

Chronic fatigue syndrome,

Post-traumatic stress disorder,

Insomnia,

Migraines,

And even suicide.

Even mild cases of perfectionism can interfere with your quality of life,

Affecting your personal relationships,

Professional relationships,

Your education,

And everything that you come into contact with.

Ironically,

I pursued perfectionism with the distorted belief that it would make me more acceptable to myself and to the world around me.

But in reality,

All it did was make me defensive,

Guarded,

And hostile.

I was always seeking recognition and affirmation rather than authentic human connections.

My relationship with myself and the world were performance-based,

Not real.

My reaction to well-entrenched toxic family patterns caused me to become an overachiever.

And I was always obsessed with results.

I believed I was valuable only because of what I accomplished or what I did for other people.

Perfectionists actually end up achieving less than those with healthier perspectives because the focus on perfection robs them of the motivation,

Which leads to procrastination and other self-defeating behaviors.

That was also me for far too long.

I had this loud,

Critical voice in my head repeating over and over again that I wasn't good enough,

That I wasn't trying hard enough in the right ways.

I had to silence this voice.

Negative self-talk like that perpetuates unhealthy behaviors,

And it wreaked havoc on my self-esteem.

Author and researcher Brene Brown has called perfectionism a 20-ton shield that we carry around to protect ourselves from getting hurt.

But in most cases,

It just gets in the way.

Perfectionists make one gust of wind seem like a category 5 hurricane.

That was me.

This quest to achieve and maintain perfection ended up causing me to fail because I made irrational decisions based on an addiction to constantly self-soothing.

I didn't choose drugs.

I chose perfectionism,

Which was always easily available whenever I needed a fix.

Studies have shown that perfectionists experience more guilt,

More shame,

More anger.

They tend to give up more easily and have avoidant coping tendencies when things aren't perfect.

Me,

Me,

And me.

To lessen perfectionistic tendencies,

Try some of the following.

Get to know yourself.

What do you really like?

Who do you really want to be?

What brings you joy?

Use this time of forced stillness to discover your true self.

Once you know yourself,

You will naturally and organically set realistic attainable goals and will enjoy the process without being attached to the outcomes.

Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and we are all still okay.

Most mistakes present learning opportunities.

Confront fears of failure by asking yourself what is the source of the fear.

Is the worst case scenario that bad?

Is the worst case scenario realistic?

Are you finding joy in the process?

If not,

Maybe the task you have tackled at hand is not authentic to you and you might be forcing it.

I'm going to end with a quote that I actually wrote,

But it was heavily inspired by Pete Walker.

In his quote,

He uses really big SAT words,

So I did have to dummy it down both for myself and probably for you.

Don't take that the wrong way.

Perfectionism is often a go-to strategy for emotionally abandoned children.

Perfectionism provides a sense of meaning and direction for the powerless and unsupported child.

Under the delusion that this is self-control,

Striving to be perfect offers what feels like control over yourself and your chaotic environment.

The emotionally abused pursue this false sense of self-control because it is safe,

Since toxic parents typically reserve their severest punishment for children who are vocal about being neglected.

End quote.

This is Tammy Yavon,

And I hope you can heal in place and feel you're still during these challenging times.

Reviews

The quote at the end made me cry. I was an emotionally abandoned child and now I am severely hampered by perfectionism. It has taken a long time to see it but now I do and so begins the journey to heal. Thank you for this beautiful talk. At last I feel supported and vindicated in that my struggles have a reason and a source. Thank you.

Very helpful and insightful. I suffer from perfectionism and it is debilitating. The quote about emotionally abandoned children very much resonated with me. May all we perfectionists gently heal ourselves and forgive those who have hurt us🙏✨🪷

Wow Tammy! That totally resonated with me. This is a much needed and awesome talk for us who struggle with perfectionism. You helped shed light on how much of a delusion it is and how it robs us of our lives. Thank you. 🙏

I never thought about myself in this way but after hearing thus I can see similarities do I will give thus one another listen. I always thought my mama felt this way about me because I never did anything right. Just yesterday she let loose on me about something she didn’t like and she becomes extremely sarcastic. Thus happens every few weeks or less when I don’t give her the answer she wants. At almost 92 all I can think about her is WTF !!! Is she ever going to give it a rest!! More work for me to do.

Thank you so much :) ! As an older teen who is fresh out of high school , I can relate to it . I have amazing parents who have done and continue to do their best in loving and supporting me but I do feel that as the elder one of my parents' children , I have this inherent habit of chasing perfectionism and presenting myself as an ideal flawless person. Obviously since perfect is not real , I tend to self-sabotage by excessive and toxic procrastination which has made me to hate myself. I want to break away this pattern and conquer out of it as a greatly better version of myself. Thank you for this talk. I would definitely appreciate your valuable advice in this regard 💖💖