Illness From Parental Emotional Abuse - Vera Wilhelmsen

Vera Wilhelmsen was once ill with "incurable" chronic illness as a result of narcissistic abuse from her parents and grandparents. She fought her way out on her own, realized the root causes, cut contact with her entire family and all toxic people in her life, and went deep into her own trauma to heal. She states on her website “I was severely ill. Around Christmas 2018, I was preparing to die. I had been bedbound for 3.5 years. No light. No appetite. But I refused to give up”.

Transcript

Welcome to the Stuck Stops Here,

A podcast devoted to cycle breakers.

We want to celebrate and empower those who have woken up and decided that toxic,

Generational dysfunction can end with you.

My name is Tammy Atman and I hit rock bottom in 2014.

And during those moments of despair,

I decided change was my only option.

Emotional abuse,

Both covert and overt,

Is contagious and leaves invisible scars.

The next generation deserves better than what we got.

Join me and my amazing co-host and producer,

LW,

As we have raw and real conversations infused with bad words and humor,

Designed to inspire awareness,

Acceptance and strength.

We are not therapists and have no clinical training.

You are not alone.

Healing does not happen in isolation.

Together,

All of us can break the familial chains of shame,

Guilt,

Fear and blame.

Our Stuck can stop here.

Vera Wilhelmsen is with us today.

She was once ill with incurable chronic illness.

She fought her way out on her own,

Realized the root causes,

Cut off contact with her entire family and all the toxic people in her life and dove deep into her own trauma to heal.

She states on her website,

I was severely ill.

Around Christmas 2018,

I was preparing to die.

I had been bed bound for three and a half years.

No sounds.

I cried when I heard cutlery.

No light,

No appetite,

Severe headaches,

Severe IBS for six years,

Often crawling from the bed to the bathroom.

I had trouble getting food and water in me.

My hygiene and shower routine was non-existent,

But I refused to give up.

Vera is now living her best life and helping others to do the same.

Her dream is to continue healing herself and help other people heal.

She emphasizes,

I have learned you can save yourself and you can heal yourself.

Even though I am not a qualified health professional,

I can share my story and the resources I used and be a friend.

Welcome Vera.

Thank you so much for having me.

Yeah,

I'm excited.

I've checked out all of your YouTube and you have quite a story and I am grateful.

Lisa and I are grateful that you are here to share it with us.

Can you tell us a little bit about your childhood and the narcissistic abuse that you endured?

Yeah,

It's always really hard to explain it or sum it up in a few sentences.

I get it,

But I see you have two narcissistic parents,

Two narcissistic grandparents.

Can you tell us a little bit,

Was that on both sides of your family?

Yeah,

I strongly believe my family is very dysfunctional and narcissistic on both sides,

Unfortunately.

I do believe that I was the main scapegoat.

No one is a winner in this system.

I do feel like I was treated extra badly compared to siblings and cousins.

Were you scapegoated?

Definitely.

It kind of felt like everyone was in on it.

I was always the one that did wrong in my home.

I was blamed for everything.

But when I was with grandparents and aunts and uncles as well,

It was like they just didn't like me.

They ignored me,

Never asked me questions.

There was,

Of course,

No cuddling.

It was just so cold and I just felt so unwelcome and unwanted.

If I made some noise,

I would get yelled at so hard.

Did you have siblings?

Yeah,

But I won't discuss my siblings because they're also victims in all of this.

Understood.

Yeah,

I'm the oldest.

You're the oldest.

Okay.

So what do you think,

Can you describe a couple scenarios that you endured narcissistic abuse?

Any situations that would sort of help our listeners understand their own abuse?

Yeah,

Because hearing those specific situations really helps you have those aha moments.

That's right.

One situation came to mind.

This one was especially clear abuse.

Often it is a lot more subtle,

But this is what came to mind right now.

They built this new pool in my city,

This new,

With all the slides and everything.

There was this pool there that went around and around and around like a stream.

I was eight years old and I couldn't get out of it because the stream was so strong.

My mom was like,

We're leaving now,

Get out.

I literally couldn't because I was eight years old.

I could barely swim.

She ended up screaming at me and just grabbing me from the side of the pool and pulling me up with my arm.

It really hurt.

She was screaming at me and everyone was looking.

This really hit me hard and I felt so bad.

I had ruined our first time at this new pool.

I felt so guilty.

Every time I went back there with school and stuff,

I felt so shameful being in this pool.

It was traumatic.

It really was traumatic and it wasn't until these past couple of years that I truly acknowledged that this was actually not okay.

It was trauma.

This is childhood trauma.

When you're eight years old,

To need someone's help,

To need a parent's help and just be yelled at as if you're doing something wrong.

You were stuck.

You couldn't get out.

It must have made you feel so terrible.

It was really stressful to be caught in that current when you're in the pool and you already feel out of control.

You're in a scary situation with the water and everything.

When you are that frightened as a kid and you get bashed instead of comforted,

That leaves pretty deep scars.

The long-term effects of being able to express fear and you have to suppress it,

It sounds like such a simple thing.

Oh,

Nobody got yanked out of a pool.

No,

No,

No.

It's much more than that.

I think people run around as adults with all this unhealed trauma and not knowing.

I know I was one of them.

I had all these dysfunctional behaviors and a defective perspective because I would minimize what that kind of emotional abuse did to me.

I think a lot of people do.

That's why some of these little experiences or traumatic experiences are very helpful.

As you got older in teenage years,

Are there other situations that you can recall that continued to traumatize you?

When I was going through puberty,

We all have a lot of.

.

.

If you grew up with narcissistic parents,

Puberty was extra hard.

So unnecessary hard.

But I was around 13 years old and I had some girlfriends over and my mom asked me in front of my girlfriends,

Like,

I'm going to the store,

Do you want me to buy some makeup?

Remember the other day when you were really frustrated and cried about not having makeup like your classmates have?

And I just wanted to die.

So subtle humiliation.

And I read about that a lot.

What do you think was causing.

.

.

I know others in the narcissistic personality disorder,

But what was it that made her want to humiliate you?

Do you think that it's because you were getting older and independent or pretty or all the above?

Any thoughts on that?

All of the above.

It was like she wanted me to be a less shiny copy of her.

Shine in ways that would kind of reflect well on her,

But not too well.

Look good,

But not shine.

You need to repeat that right now.

Look good,

But only for when it suited her.

And don't outshine.

Look good in the clothing she picked.

Like in her style,

But not too good.

Never outshine your mother.

It's like the Snow White syndrome.

You can't be the fairest in the land.

You can't be more fair than the evil stepmother or evil mother.

So Vera,

Where are you from?

Just I want our listeners to know.

I'm from Trondheim in Norway.

That's the middle of the country.

It's by the ocean.

There's a fjord here.

Apparently narcissistic personality disorder has gone global.

It's always been global.

It's everywhere.

Can you talk a little bit about your illnesses and what you were going through during those very troubling six years?

Yeah,

I actually have had two rounds of illness because of narcissistic abuse.

Can I clarify,

Do you believe the emotional abuse you suffered caused these illnesses?

Oh yeah,

Definitely.

Interesting.

Because they went away when I got contact and started processing.

And the more I processed,

The better everything got.

My hair got thicker.

My nails,

My skin got better.

It was so clearly in the physical side of things.

My digestion got so much better.

Chronic headaches disappeared.

I can probably list things for like 30 minutes.

Oh my god,

That's unbelievable.

And I do think we underestimate what emotional and verbal abuse does to us physically.

I don't think the connection is emphasized enough.

So back to those six years of debilitating illness,

Can you share a little bit with us about that?

Yeah,

I'll just quickly go back to high school first.

I first got really sick when I was 16.

But it was more like a mental collapse.

I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

I was so tired of overachieving,

Trying to earn my parents' approval and love.

And I just collapsed.

And I had to take high school over one more extra year because I was so tired.

And it was only because of the abuse.

And this really makes me angry.

It was so unnecessary.

And I was told that I had anxiety and depression because I put too much pressure on myself or something.

The therapists and my parents made me blame myself for.

.

.

Wait,

Wait,

Wait.

Therapists?

Therapists?

Yeah,

I went to therapy because I stopped eating.

That was the only protest I could do because nothing I said would make my parents treat me better.

The only thing I had left to rebel was to stop eating.

So I did.

And I got really skinny.

A girlfriend of mine went to the school nurse and started talking to her.

They put me in therapy.

And the school nurse,

She was amazing,

But the therapists were horrible and didn't see what was happening at all and just took my parents' side,

Made me blame myself.

That actually makes me physically.

.

.

I actually am getting physically ill hearing this.

Yeah,

It makes me nauseous to think about.

They made me take antidepressants.

I was given way too much medicine.

I felt like they were trying to numb me down or something.

But all I needed was to just be taken out of that abusive environment.

All I needed was to just be taken out of that horrible home.

And I would have been fine.

It's amazing.

They didn't look to your parents.

They didn't say,

What's going on in this household that's hurting this child.

No.

I feel like they never looked at well-educated parents twice.

Child protective services.

That's horrible,

But I think it's true.

Because my family looks really good on the outside.

Don't they all?

Don't they all?

Yeah,

But I feel like it's pretty common knowledge now that ministers abuse their children.

It happens in these quotation mark good homes too.

We know that now,

But apparently not.

I'm shocked.

My mom was really mad at me for having psychological problems and I wasn't allowed to be sick.

So I'm really impressed by myself from this,

But I have the strength to just stop having problems,

Suppressing it all.

Can you share?

This is incredible.

Can you share those pivotal moments maybe toward the end of your quote unquote sickness illness where you started to heal?

Can you share what went on with that?

Because I think this is pretty incredible.

Yeah.

So right now I'm at like 18,

19 years old and I was like,

Okay,

The therapists aren't helping me and nothing is changing.

So I guess I'll just have to pull myself together.

And so I did and I went to university and that's when the real problems started.

And I believe it was because I swallowed all my feelings,

All my pain and just went back to working really hard.

So I started university at 20 and at 23 I fully collapsed,

Could not lift my head from the pillow.

I couldn't even sit in a wheelchair.

I was just.

.

.

And it was like that for three years.

Oh my God.

Now was anyone,

Your friends or anyone supporting you,

Anything during those three years?

Yeah,

But I didn't have the words to explain to them and I didn't see it clearly yet either.

So it was more like I went to all this physical examinations and my friends were keeping track of that and stuff,

But they didn't really know how.

How would you name it?

How you can't label it?

Because narcissistic abuse can often be covert and difficult to explain and show there's no scars,

They're invisible.

Yeah,

And it had went so badly in the past with therapists,

So it just wasn't an option anymore.

And I felt like I was so sensitive,

Like everyone else was fine with being talked to that way and all the subtle insults and everything.

Like everyone else was fine with it.

Why did I feel so much pain?

And it made me.

.

.

It was so tiring to be around people like that.

It just depleted me so much and I felt so weak and frail and everything my mom always told me that I was naive and frail,

Sensitive,

Weak.

And I just wanted to prove that I wasn't,

I guess.

But I moved back into my parents when I collapsed,

Which looking back was like the worst thing I could have done.

But they were like,

Yeah,

We'll take care of you.

But they didn't,

Of course.

And I was like drowning in that bed,

Fighting for my life.

Instinctually,

You knew there was something wrong with their behavior,

Even as young as probably eight years old when you had that incident in the pool.

But it's hard to imagine and it's hard to believe that your parents would behave like that.

So as a kid to know something's wrong,

But it's hard to admit it.

Like how can you possibly verbalize that and admit it and understand?

Because everyone will be like,

What are you talking about?

They're the nicest people.

So it's a very lonely feeling.

I got that too.

I understand.

I get it.

So what was the first aha moments or signs of hope and healing when you embarked,

When you started and began your healing journey?

What were those moments like?

What were the realizations you had?

When I was in bed,

I watched a lot of YouTube and I came across,

I became interested in self-help and things.

And I remember I came across Teal Swan.

I know exactly who that is.

And she explained projection and things like that really well.

And I was like,

Oh my God.

Now she has a book,

Right?

Can you tell me about how the book influenced you and the name of the book?

Yeah.

So I really enjoyed her videos.

They really helped me.

And her book,

The Completion Process.

I kind of knew I had to process my childhood trauma.

That's kind of what I realized.

And her book,

It just goes so deep.

I wish all therapists had read this book.

You have to go straight into your trauma and fully feel it and process it.

And there are no shortcuts.

You just have to do it.

But I read this book while I was still living at home.

So it was kind of a little early to heal while I was still being stabbed.

I tried to start this healing journey,

But I couldn't relax.

And I felt so unsafe.

I knew that if I cried or something like feelings came up,

I would upset my mom and would start this whole thing.

So I kind of put it on pause for a while,

But I found this Indian traditional medicine called Ayurveda.

It's very digestion and physically focused.

It really helped me get some strength back and some appetite back.

That's kind of when my climb started.

I first got help from the physical side of things.

And then after,

I felt so much physically better and stronger because I could eat something.

I started taking walks outside and stuff.

I even started going to some yoga classes,

So this was a huge improvement from being bed-bound.

And then I started to slowly realize the narcissism thing because I tried to avoid my parents as much as possible.

But there was this one morning where everything just happened.

I was going to a yoga class and I tried to avoid my mom beforehand because I didn't want to be unsettled and upset when I went to yoga.

Because I knew it would be hard to calm down and center again.

And she upset me before a yoga class,

Of course.

And I went to that class and I was so upset.

And I started crying in yoga class and I just left the class.

I went home and I packed a bag and I just left.

She gave me a headache.

Instantaneous.

Yeah.

So where did you go?

I went to one of my siblings first.

And then two weeks later I found an apartment to rent.

But it was just so.

.

.

I had just found this newfound strength and health,

You know?

And she could influence that.

Just in two minutes of talking to her she could give me a headache.

And that's when it really clicked.

Like,

She is making me sick.

My father also,

Of course.

But she was the most actively toxic one.

He was more like.

.

.

Didn't care about me at all.

I don't think I've ever even had eye contact.

True eye contact with him my entire life.

But anyways,

I just.

.

.

The headache she gave me and the upset she gave me by just talking to her for two minutes,

It finally clicked.

If I ever want good health,

I cannot be around this.

I didn't yet know I was going to go no contact,

But I just knew I could at least live with them.

And after I left I found all of these books.

Toxic Parents by Dr.

Susan Forward.

I've read that twice.

Yeah,

That was really good.

All of her books.

And that's when I also found all of these other books on narcissism and adult children of narcissists.

And I just.

.

.

Okay.

After two weeks I actually went back for dinner.

And she upset me so much once again.

And I couldn't sleep that night.

Because she just triggered my nervous system so much.

And that's when I really.

.

.

It really sunk in that no contact is the only option for me.

If I ever want to have good health and actually live,

Be myself,

Make my own decisions.

I had believed my life was over,

Right?

I was bed-bound and had gotten the label of chronic fatigue syndrome and it's incurable and all of that.

So I had gotten better and I felt like I had this second chance at life.

And I was sure as hell not going to waste it.

So it really lit this fire in me.

And I can't compromise anymore.

It's such a waste.

That's incredible.

You worded it beautifully.

Thank you.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Fantastic.

Even though you went back home after being in the hospital and you had that book,

That Teal.

.

.

Was it Teal Swan?

Yeah.

You know,

It was the beginning of you able to start.

.

.

Yeah.

You were able to start seeing what was really happening.

It opened your eyes.

And that's why even though you were home,

You were starting to be able to break away.

Which was really,

Really.

.

.

Yeah.

Just emotionally like,

Wow,

This isn't me.

Everything that I thought is really happening,

And I see it's happened to other people.

And it must have given you such a great feeling of hope.

Oh,

Yeah.

The validation from those books and from finding out this is actually a thing.

There's a word for this.

This is a pattern,

This behavior.

And when I read the typical behaviors of a narcissist,

I was like,

Oh my God,

I've experienced these 20 behaviors every day of my life.

And it's horrible.

And I don't have to take this anymore.

Wow.

It's so true.

That's why we started this podcast for that exact reason,

So that people would know that they're not alone.

And they can see that there's a pattern here and other people are going through it.

And it kind of gives a name to what's happening.

Oh,

Yeah.

It feels so good to help people connect the dots.

Because a lot of people find my stuff because of the chronic fatigue syndrome thing.

But then they kind of begin thinking about their relationships and are they healthy.

And the relationships with other people as well as the relationship with yourself.

When you get physically abused,

You get slapped.

You don't slap yourself back.

But when you get emotionally abused and told in so many different ways that you're worthless,

You continue to self injure yourself by because then you tell yourself you're useless.

And it happens all the time.

So you injure yourself over and over and over and over and over and over again.

That deeply ingrained self-loathing is very hard to heal from.

It's possible as you've proven,

But it's hard.

Can you tell us a little bit about your goals,

Your websites,

Your coaching?

We're going to put all those links in the show notes.

Yeah.

I am training to be an Ayurvedic practitioner,

But that will take some time.

So I'm hoping to be able to do both.

Help people with more the physical side of things,

Digestion and holistic health.

And also scapegoat child recovery,

Narcissistic abuse recovery,

Connecting the dots,

Just doing a cleanup of your entire life.

Even if there isn't narcissistic abuse,

Anyone that has chronic health issues probably needs to remove some stuff and bring in better stuff in their life.

Better relationships or a more aligned career.

Amen,

Vera.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

100% true.

Can you tell us a little bit about,

You have your YouTube channel.

Can you talk about your videos and what they're about and what you'd like people to gain from them?

My videos are me just being the person I always wanted to be and like I deep down knew I was,

But it was so repressed.

So now I'm just like putting it all out there and I just make whatever videos I want,

But they're always around the themes of finding yourself,

Getting to know yourself,

Processing trauma,

Setting boundaries,

Ayurveda,

Health,

And just me doing fun stuff,

Trying to inspire people to not care so much what other people think.

And yeah,

Filmmaking was actually,

It was something that I like reclaimed because I knew at like 10 years old that there was something in filming for me.

I just loved it.

It was so much fun and I loved editing.

And I actually did put some videos up on YouTube when I was like 16.

And of course,

I didn't get any praise or approval or anything from my parents.

I just felt like I had done this shameful bad thing.

So I deleted the channel and now I'm doing it again,

Not holding back at all.

Just yeah.

Every book I've ever read,

Every video,

Every person like you that I've spoken to,

Creative outlet is so important and people sort of hold back from that because you might actually get criticized.

But if you do it with the intent that this is just your way of expressing yourself and being brave enough to take these creative steps to heal and not care what other people think,

Like you said,

It's something that people should explore more.

So you're right.

It's so great that you're doing the filming and the editing.

That's fantastic.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I really feel like,

I'm sorry.

No,

You first,

You first.

You're the important one right now.

I feel like it really speeds up the recovery if you kind of reclaim some childhood hobby or something that you stopped doing because you were criticized or shamed and just try doing it again and yeah,

Just be true to yourself.

Because I believed like I didn't have a personality.

When I went no contact,

I believed I had missed out on all the childhood development when you create a personality and find out what you like and dislike.

I missed out on all of that.

But I actually realized that I had found out the things that I kind of really liked,

But I had just stopped doing them.

So I just had to pick it back up again and see if I still liked it.

And nine out of ten times I did.

And you also have to do things you're afraid of to heal.

I thought that I would get criticized and people would think that I was,

Thought I was pretty or something if I wore a pink hair tie.

People would be like,

Who do you think you are?

And so I did it even though I felt horrible and scared.

And then nothing happened and suddenly that was part of my comfort zone.

So you have to expand your comfort zone step by step and it's horrible,

But you kind of have to reclaim all of these things that were taken away from you.

Yeah,

That's what I would say.

Perfectly said.

So Vera,

I'm going to retire from podcasting now and I'll have you take over.

Yeah,

Sure.

So Vera,

Can you share some advice and some words of wisdom for listeners who are probably struggling to figure out why things are so challenging and why they feel so spiritually depleted?

Do you have any advice as to.

.

.

Yeah.

What they should do,

The steps they should take,

Words of hope?

You will feel better when you're not around people who just try to break your spirit all the time.

Just because they're your parents doesn't mean you have to take emotional abuse.

Is that a fair statement?

When I finally realized all of this,

It was like I had taken too much shit my entire life and then I suddenly became allergic and had zero tolerance for any disrespect or shit.

So you have to find.

.

.

You have to develop your boundaries.

And it is hard,

But there are good books out there on this.

I didn't know any of this either and I didn't know I was even allowed to have boundaries,

But you are actually allowed to have a certain level of expectation for how people treat you and you never have to compromise.

And even if it's family,

Don't let anyone near you that don't respect you or wish you well because life is too short and they will influence your decisions.

They will influence your health.

They will just waste so much of your life and your potential.

You'll be filled up with self-doubt instead of support and love and that will really influence your decisions.

Like if you want to go to a certain school or do something.

.

.

Career paths?

Life partner choices?

Absolutely.

Yeah,

They can ruin your career and make you.

.

.

Like my parents tried to make me break up with a really good person.

Toxic parents always want you to have a toxic partner that treats you horrible.

So you might lose out on your dream career and your dream partner and your dream life.

And oh,

Nothing is worth it.

That is true.

That is true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The Toxic Parents by Dr.

Susan Forward,

That book really helped me because there were a lot of transcripts in there from conversations from therapy with toxic parents.

So like the kids,

The adult kids were like telling them how their experience of their childhood and.

.

.

I felt like I had seen all of these different scenarios play out kind of before I did it.

And that really helped.

And she also had this letter writing recipe in there,

Which is amazing.

And I went no contact with a letter actually.

I blocked everyone on my phone and from Facebook and stuff.

And then I sent a letter like,

We will not be in contact anymore.

And that is my decision.

And I said something like,

You have pushed me through psychological abuse my entire childhood.

And I also have memories of physical abuse.

So if you ever even look at me,

I will get out of restraining order.

That's what I said.

And I'm so proud of myself for that because.

.

.

It's such a hard and painful step to take.

It really is.

But they had pushed me to this point and I was cornered with my health.

I had no other choice.

So I feel like it might be harder if your health is good and you are functioning,

But you know that your family or extended family are having a negative impact on your life.

Because you kind of don't have to go no contact then.

But when they are destroying your health,

You have to.

You're absolutely right.

Yeah.

Life is too short.

Yeah,

They will take.

.

.

The price is too high.

Yeah,

That's all I have to say.

It is.

And you've been inspiring.

The way,

Not only that you shared your story,

But the way you shared it.

So thank you for that.

And please check Vera out.

I have all her links in the show notes.

And I think it's.

.

.

If you are wherever you are in your healing journey,

Go see Vera.

Now.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for having me.

And I just applaud everyone who makes this kind of content.

Because I wish I had come across something like this ten years ago.

You and me both.

Yeah.

It saves lives.

It really does.

Yeah.

Well,

You keep up there.

Keep up that cycle breaking work you're doing.

Yeah,

You too.

I'm gonna try.

I'm definitely gonna try.

Yeah.

It's hard work.

But it's the best work.

Amen,

Vera.

How many more times can I say,

Amen,

Vera?

Hallelujah.

Thank you so much.

Have a wonderful,

Wonderful day.

And thank you.

You too.

You have been listening to The Stuck Stops Here.

This is LW No Lie.

Join us again next time as we continue getting unstuck from generational emotional abuse and breaking free from toxic generational behavior patterns.

Reviews

This was absolutely amazing!! Yes, my mom was very critical and negative, but she also had MS. When she died, I literally felt a huge weight being lifted off me. I forgive her but those wounds went very deep.

𝚂𝚘 𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍 𝚅𝚎𝚛𝚊

Wow! That was really amazing. I resonated with so much of what was said. I plan to listen to more of your offerings!

Thank you for sharing this enlightening story!!! I had a simular situation with an extremely toxic, abusive, Narcsisstic Mother and its been very challenging to find a therapist who understands the result of this kind of abuse.

Trusting a therapist was also made even more difficult because my Narcsisstic Mom worked as a social worker with the Childrens Aid society for over 30 years!! At work she appeared kind and empathic, but at home she was a completely different person. I eventually had to go no contact with her because of the ongoing covert abuse - which only escalated the older I got.

Compelling story. Thank you for sharing.