Heal In Place. Fill Your Still. (Emotionally Immature Parents)

Today’s episode is dedicated to Dr. Jonice Webb and Dr. Lindsay Gibson. I have read their books and articles and highly recommend them. They detail how emotionally immature parents feel safest when they maintain control by using guilt and shame. Their parent-child attachment is more about dominance and obedience than affection, security, and guidance. The child of emotionally immature parents is there to serve the needs of the parent, not the other way around.

Transcript

Hello everyone,

This is Tammy with the Stuck Stops here.

This podcast is about emotionally immature parents.

During these uncertain and anxious times,

I am creating many podcasts to share the resources I used on my healing journey.

If you are sheltering in place like me,

Perhaps use a spiritual awakening and search for a path to recovery or already on a healing journey,

I truly hope these mini podcasts resonate.

I try to cover a lot of ground in a direct way so you can heal and place and fill your still.

Quote,

As a child of emotionally immature parents,

You're left with a feeling of emptiness,

A hole inside,

Emotional loneliness like you're alone in the world.

Quote by Vivian McGrath.

Today's episode is dedicated to Dr.

Joni Sweb and Dr.

Lindsay Gibson.

I have read their books and their articles and I highly recommend them.

They detail how emotionally immature parents feel safest when they maintain control by using guilt and shame.

Their parent-child attachment is about dominance and obedience instead of affection,

Security and guidance.

Dr.

Joni Sweb says,

If I were to boil emotional immaturity down to one primary ingredient,

It would be this,

An inability or refusal to take responsibility for your own feelings.

When you think about it,

Maturity is mostly about responsibility.

The child of emotionally immature parents is there only to serve the needs of the parent and sadly not the other way around.

It is clear to children that they are good or bad only on the basis of how well they please the parents.

Emotionally immature parents like mine are thin-skinned and see themselves as godlike and I spent my entire childhood avoiding displeasing these all-powerful people who can easily strike down an innocent fearful child with vengeance as well as abandon when the child is weakest.

What motivates the immature parent is fear and control.

This is because they live life from the perspective of an unattached child who has never,

Who was never taught how to have deep meaningful connections with anyone.

They are anxiety ridden no matter how confident they seem and they will do whatever it takes to come out on top of any interaction.

Their life is a series of emotional transactions where they only think about how they can quote unquote profit emotionally from the current situation.

They don't operate in good faith.

They just want to keep safe by putting walls up.

The choir,

More passive controlling parents are not so obvious in how they control but they,

If you study their behavior you will see how careful they are about not getting close to anybody,

Being removed from any human interaction.

They're there but they're not there and they won't open up to any real connection.

So whether you're overtly controlling or covertly hiding it's still dismissive immature parenting.

By diagnosing and understanding the traits of their immaturity you can learn where you actually begin and where they end.

This was critical for me because my parents were all about blaming everyone else in order to keep their own self esteem intact.

If you see them as mature and that their behaviors make sense you end up feeling terrible about yourself so it's better to have an understanding of what you're dealing with.

Understanding your parents lack of maturity has nothing to do with how much you love them or what kind of feelings you have for them.

The purpose of this discovery is to have things make a little more sense and as you start to wrap your head around your parents emotional immaturity it will add to your peace of mind and improve the quality of your life.

Instead of being convinced that they could give you the love and validation you need if only they would try you can more intelligently evaluate what they actually have to offer and more importantly what you have to offer yourself.

You make the shift from believing that they could change because they actually can't and they won't change and it is this in this acceptance that will gently move you along on your healing journey.

Some examples of my parents emotional immaturity they went from being emotionally numb to extremely volatile.

It was unpredictable and I walked on eggshells all the time.

They would respond to my feelings in a way that didn't match what I was feeling.

They were either dismissive or enraged and as a result I was always confused.

They were totally unaware of what I was feeling or what I was going through.

They spent most of their time being ignorant or preoccupied with themselves.

They denied anger or didn't express anger and then they would have outbursts at something completely unrelated.

They never meant what they said or said what they meant.

They put their own feelings and their own needs ahead of mine in a very toxic self-focused way.

It is what they learned growing up.

They made bad decisions and gave poor advice which damaged both myself and my brother and never took any responsibility for it.

I actually remember getting fired from a summer job in college because they gave me some bad advice on how to handle a situation.

It was no wonder I was so untrusting.

Some of these ways might be described as selfish but oftentimes it's based on a lack of awareness too.

They look similar and it can be difficult to distinguish whether it's intentional or ignorant.

When it's intentional it's narcissism which is both my mother and my stepfather to different degrees and the unaware type is emotionally neglectful.

They all played,

You know,

My dad,

My stepdad and my mom all did that as well.

Honestly they switched back and forth.

So if you were raised by emotionally immature parents please know that it did affect you and you are likely living with some of those effects today.

It is also not a lifetime sentence.

You can pull yourself out from under the cloud of confusion and neglect and make your life better and more rewarding.

I started that process in 2014 and I still work on it every day.

I read,

I meditate,

I think,

I write and then I repeat all that.

If you start paying attention to your own feelings and nurturing yourself and having compassion for yourself you begin to develop more awareness and more understanding to the people that you care about as well.

And when you think more clearly and more objectively about what you're feeling you'll be able to take responsibility for them,

Express them when needed and manage them instead of these chaotic emotional outbursts that ruled my life.

So I highly encourage you to visit Dr.

Jonice Webbs and Dr.

Lindsay's,

Lindsay Gibson's website.

They have books,

Videos,

Quizzes and articles that are very very helpful.

Lindsay Gibson's website is Dr.

Lindsay Gibson dot com.

L-D-R-L-I-N-D-S-A-Y-G-I-B-S-O-N dot com and Dr.

Jonice Webb,

D-R-J-O-N-I-C-E-W-E-B-B dot com.

And happy healing and fill your still.

Reviews

Needed to hear this even though it is still a struggle to accept...
I'm still that little girl more often not when it comes to my parents. If I let go of the fantasy that they might change then my little girls world comes crashing down all around me. I dip in and out and still sit on the fence half hoping for change.
The only change is here and it begins and ends with me.
I have placed boundaries and am looking forwards. And the first kick in the face is that when I'm not allowing them to take over my whole life, control everything, and be at their beck and call, evrrything revolving around them. Guess what happens? They don't call. I haven't received a call since. And it has highlighted the fact that I haven't ever had a normal conversation on the telephone. It was staged, it was a fake performance. And it was always about them. I wasn't heard or listened to. I supported them. I wasn't allowed feelings. I was caught in between their unstable marriage, and used. Not loved, not cared for, but just used for their own needs.
If I observe as the second or third person, I can honestly sit back and think what the hell was that? Incredibly, punch in the face, here's your childhood and adulthood thrown at you in one huge punch. One scarily awakening experience.
Anyone that reads this. Make sure you are ready, really ready. Then make one change, however slight, and be ready to see your family for exactly who they are.

Thank you for this. I refuse to be that for my son and I am working to break the cycle. Many blessings to you on your healing journey as well!

That was very helpful Tami, thanks. I recently read an article by Dr Jonice Webb which I found helpful.

Spot on. I’ve learned somewhat through these podcast why my parents are the way they are. It does help a bit with my understanding of why I was treated the way I was. The #1 thing I have learned and believe is THEY NEVER CHANGE nor do they want to. So I change !!! Great mini podcast Tami!! 💜