55. Finding Calm In The Chaos: How To Access Comfort In Difficult Times

There are always challenges in life, and there are also always thought processes that can help us find comfort in those dark times and even become stronger for it. Listen as Michael and Monica discuss viewing life in its totality – rather than defining our lives by singular events – and how in doing so, we can look beyond the false narratives our ego builds and truly become the creators of our story.

Transcript

The reality of life is there are always challenges and some of the most important skills that we can develop and wisdom that we can gain is what are the thought processes,

What are the ways that we can allow ourselves to think during those times of difficulty.

How do we find comfort?

How do we find consolation?

How do we find strength?

And also,

How do we offer all of those things to others?

Exactly,

Exactly.

We go through our challenges in order,

Yes,

For ourselves and our own growth,

But also to bring comfort to other people.

Everything that happens to you is meant to happen every time without exception.

And it might not seem fair or right in the moment,

But if we're able to see what five years,

10 years,

15 years down the line,

If we're able to see the story be complete,

We would never really be able to question any process we ever go through.

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 55.

How are you doing there?

Very excited to share some of these ideas with you and our listeners.

So this episode,

We're going to share stories,

Lessons,

And sayings that we've heard at the right time and that had a profound impact on us.

Some inspired us,

Some made us think or rethink how we were doing things.

They kind of stopped us in the moment and some kind of shift or understanding occurred.

And I like the idea of stories.

I think that's the way most people are teaching now because we are storytellers by nature.

It's how we see the world.

It's how we learn things.

They can comfort us.

They can terrify us.

They can advise us.

So consider this story.

Once upon a time- Do you want to know this story?

No,

You do not.

You do not know all things that come from my mouth.

Once upon a time,

A little girl named Allison awoke in the middle of the night.

Her room was filled with bright moonlight,

But Allison couldn't see the moon.

She put on her slippers,

Opened the front door of her house and stood in front of her yard peering up at the sky,

But she still couldn't see the moon.

Allison wondered maybe if the moon was playing a game of hide and seek.

So Allison decided to look for the moon across the street.

She looked both ways,

But when she was across,

Still there was no moon.

Allison kept searching and searching for the moon,

And before she knew it,

She was hopelessly lost.

Nothing around her looked familiar.

Where was the big oak tree she could see from her window?

Where were the blue shutters on Mrs.

Peterson's house?

And Allison became very afraid.

So it's easy to see how effective a story can be if you say it this way- Hey,

What happened?

Is that the end of the story?

Wait,

Rather because the point of the story is- I'm worried for Allison.

The point of the story is the lesson for a child- She lost till this day.

Would be to never go outside,

Right?

And of course,

When it's dark at night,

Don't leave the house.

Well,

I think the lesson is to finish the story.

I guess you don't like my Allison story.

No,

No,

No,

No.

Is that the end of the story though?

That's the point of the story.

That's the end of the story for now.

Okay.

If you want to make up part two and you want to play that game,

That can be our whole podcast where we finish off and lead to the other.

Game on.

Yes.

That's the point of storytelling.

In my version of the story,

Allison finds her way home very quickly.

Of course she does because you don't like sad stories or ones with unhappy endings.

Yes,

She was lost forever,

Michael.

But the point of the story and storytelling is if I wanted to teach our children don't go outside when it's dark outside or even if you're curious,

Telling the story of Allison would obviously impact them more.

Who never came home.

Okay.

And there are the times that someone pointed out the very obvious and it was exactly what we needed to hear.

So in this book that inspired both of us that we're going to share parts of,

The Comfort book by Matt Haig.

He tells a story and I'm not going to go into details of it,

But his father gave the advice because they were in fact lost in the woods.

But when you're lost in the woods,

If you walk in a straight line,

You'll come to the other side.

So he used that example for many times in life when he was in depression.

Basically if you walk in a straight line,

You'll find yourself on the other side of it.

And it reminds me of a story actually when I was pregnant with Miriam,

Our third child,

I was really more fearful I think with that delivery than any other just because of the experience I had had just a year before as I've shared with Josh and it was a C-section and it was kind of very urgent.

And I was sharing with a friend that I'm feeling a little bit,

A lot of trepidation and worried.

And she looked at me,

She says,

My grandmother told me that don't worry because everything's going to be okay in the end,

The baby always comes out.

And it was so obvious,

But hearing it in that moment,

It was exactly what I needed to hear.

And actually it helped me release a lot of fear I had at that point I was two weeks overdue and it did,

It did help.

Yeah.

And I think a big part of what we want to share today has to do with- Alison.

But also what we can tell ourselves and or our friends who are going through challenging times because the reality of life is there are always challenges.

And some of the most important skills that we can develop and wisdom that we can gain is what are the thought processes?

What are the ways that we can allow ourselves to think during those times of difficulty?

How do we find comfort?

How do we find consolation?

How do we find strength?

And also how do we offer all of those things to others?

Exactly,

Exactly.

And by the way,

I think one of the important understandings is that everything that we go through,

We go through for ourselves,

But we also go through it for other people,

Be it our children or our friends.

And I've been very inspired many times in life meeting people,

Especially those who have been awakened spiritually,

Who at one point in their lives went through a very challenging situation.

And they came to the other side of it realizing that that traumatic pain can actually be a way of bringing comfort to other people.

I wasn't even sure that I thought about this as I was thinking about preparing for this podcast.

I thought about this one story about a great sage from about 2000 years ago.

It's a very difficult story,

But I'll share it because it goes to the point that I just said,

Which is that often it's helpful to view the pain that we go through as a way to prepare us to be teachers.

And teachers doesn't mean that you're giving a lecture to a thousand people,

But helping one other person who might have gone through,

Is going through the same challenge.

And the story is told about a great sage in the Talmud that he had,

Which was much more common,

Of course,

Thousands of years ago,

That many of his children passed away in their.

.

.

Either childbirth or very young.

And whenever he would come to the house of somebody who was mourning the death of a child,

He would say,

Here is a bone of my 10th child who has died.

Obviously,

That's a very,

Very morbid.

I wasn't planning on sharing it.

I'm not sure.

I should have.

Well,

Sorry if it's a little.

.

.

But the idea of course is,

Even from the very difficult stories,

That- I'm still in shock,

Yes.

We go through pain and of course,

Hopefully none of us ever reach any level or anything close to the type of pain in that story,

But that we go through our challenges in order,

Yes,

For ourselves and our own growth,

But also to bring comfort to other people.

One of the ideas that.

.

.

It's interesting.

When I learned from my father,

Often,

Obviously,

We learned from books and from sages,

But every once in a while,

He would share with me something that he had learned from his mother.

His mother was a very.

.

.

I never got to meet her.

She passed away in 1962 and I was born in 1973.

I think he only had two pictures of her or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's very sweet.

The pictures are very sweet.

Very cute.

Very sweet face.

He very much revered his mother and thought of her as a very righteous woman.

One of the things,

And I've seen this written in other places,

And this is wisdom I think shared in many other places,

But that in life,

We have to look at life as a totality.

What happens often is that when something difficult is happening to us,

We focus on that,

And that is the totality of our being,

The totality of our life.

When of course,

In reality,

No matter what situation we are going through,

It almost never is the totality of things.

It is one aspect,

Often a very small aspect,

But sometimes a very big aspect.

We would often like to think,

If I could only get rid of this thing,

Or if I only didn't have to feel this pain,

Or if I only didn't have to go through this challenge.

But the reality is,

She would tell my father,

And he recounted to us that if you imagine everybody took the totality of their life as a package,

And you brought all of humanity together,

And they all threw up their packages,

And it was all in one big pile,

Everybody would wind up going back.

The idea being you are allowed to now pick whichever package you want.

Of course,

The good and the bad.

Everybody would wind up picking up their own package again.

The idea of course is that yes,

There are parts of our lives that are challenging.

There are parts of our lives that are painful.

But if we look at it in totality,

The reality is that we are blessed with the totality of life.

I think it's often important,

Whether we're going through a big challenge,

Or a small challenge,

Or great pain,

Or a small pain,

To see it in the perspective of the totality of my life.

What that means,

And this is a thought that I often use,

And I know I share this with you,

Something happens.

Upsetting,

Disappointing.

The ego nature is to simply focus on that,

And if it's painful,

If it's difficult,

It darkens everything else that we can think about in our lives.

The Balsamt of the Great Kabbalist uses the example of the sun shining,

And it's a beautiful day.

But you could take a penny and put it on your eye,

And take two pennies,

Put them both of your eyes,

And now everything is dark.

He said,

How crazy is it?

That two pennies,

Worthless,

Can block out the great force and light of the sun.

Of course,

In reality,

We do that every day.

We do that every single day.

We get an annoying text,

We get a challenging phone call.

Again,

And of course,

There's a gamut of things,

But I think it's often easy to see the wisdom in the small things that we allow to darken our life.

Too often,

We are not focusing on the totality of our life,

And therefore totality of blessings,

But allow pennies,

Completely often,

Unimportant things to obscure the great light that is our life.

Even and when the challenges are greater,

If we have the ability,

And that's why I think it's so important when the small things happen,

Force yourself to use this thought and say,

I am not going to allow a penny to obscure the great light of my life.

The reason why that's so important,

Because yes,

In life,

There are going to be those challenges that are maybe more easily removed through this thought,

But you're really building a muscle.

If you're able to constantly,

In the small times,

Small annoyances,

Go back to this thought,

I am not allowing,

Not going to allow,

Maybe it takes me 10 minutes,

An hour,

Three hours,

A day,

I'm not allowing that unimportant thing or important thing to obscure the totality of the light of my life.

Well,

It's really a paradox because we get upset about the smallest things every single day.

You wake up in the morning,

Your day didn't go like you wanted,

You were exhausted,

You want to go back to sleep.

Your day just starts wrong,

And it's one thing after the other,

And then you realize that you don't have guests in the car,

You're going to be late for a meeting,

And the whole day kind of unravels like that.

It could be little small annoyances that you don't want to deal with,

And then it's like you just see black,

The day is wrong.

Forget about the day,

My life.

Everything bad happens to me.

Then that whole narrative,

The storyteller in us then gives a whole story that's dark.

I'm still reeling for the pain of the Allison story.

But sometimes we wake up when you get a big phone call,

A health scare,

Somebody you love,

And then you're like,

I'm throwing all my pennies away.

It's just life is too important and valuable to ever get down about something,

So the small things of time.

Right.

Yeah,

But like I said,

It's a muscle you have to build.

It's a muscle you have to build.

Right.

Every day you have to say,

I'm going to donate the Pennhaste to charity,

And it's not going to be something that blocks my vision.

Absolutely.

So that reminds me of a teaching actually from your father,

Dhirav.

This was,

I remember,

Again,

One of those moments in life that really changed me and changed my experience of that moment.

And it was when we,

Two days after I gave birth to Josh,

We came home from the hospital.

And another paradox,

Because on one hand,

We were excited to have a newborn.

We had been waiting for a long time to welcome our second child.

On the other hand,

There was a fear,

Especially for me,

Beneath the surface of every happy feeling I had that was terrifying me.

And there was a mix of feelings,

Many,

Like a multitude when we came home.

And I remember it was in the afternoon,

David was three and a half.

Our oldest.

Three.

I think he was three.

And he was at school,

And I was sitting in bed.

And I think you were sitting with me.

We were talking.

And again,

I was having a lot of emotions,

Many hormones in my body.

And we get a knock on the door.

And it's your father.

The rub walks in,

And he just looks at us.

And then he pulls up a chair by the side of the bed,

And he just sits there.

And we sit in silence for really,

I would say,

A good 10,

15 minutes.

And I didn't feel the need to say anything again.

I was so raw.

You didn't either.

We're just literally sitting in silence.

And then the rub looks at me,

And he says simply,

It didn't just happen to you.

And in that moment,

All the shame I had been feeling that was somehow my fault or that I deserved to have a hard time as a mother,

Whatever my belief system at that time was,

Which is different today,

Whatever fear I had in that moment,

It was really 75% removed.

And the rub taught me such a powerful lesson in that moment.

And that was the power of empathy and kindness and compassion,

Because he was so complete in that way in all of his life.

But in that moment,

He really offered that completely to us.

And it was such a lesson for me in life,

Not just for me to understand that when things happen to me in life,

My perspective is different now.

I don't think I experience things that way.

But still,

It's not just happening to me,

Because I'm connected to all of humanity and to all of the world.

And I do believe at our greatest,

We want the best for one another.

But also,

In my ability,

Hopefully,

To offer that to other people when they're going through something challenging.

Because I think when things feel dark in the moment,

We feel like it's only happening to us.

The weight of that is on our shoulders.

We can't see the forest from the trees.

We're just paralyzed pretty much.

But this gives you a perspective and understanding,

A comfort that is true and also needed.

Yeah.

It reminds me of an ancient teaching that says that the trouble of the many is half of the consolation.

That when there's more than you,

And you realize it's not just me,

That I have the support and I'm going through this with my family,

My friends.

And when you can give that to somebody,

You're not going through this alone.

And their wellbeing is dependent on my wellbeing and my wellbeing is dependent on theirs,

Which is another layer to that,

Right?

It's not just,

I feel you or I'm there for you.

It's more like we are connected in the deepest,

Most important ways.

And it reminded me of one story that has inspired me for many,

Many years.

It's about a man whose child was not doing well.

What's the theme?

We're not supposed to have children dying and- No,

No,

No.

Okay.

Well,

I think for so many people that it is often a great source.

Not just the terrible situation,

But I think children are often a source of worry,

If not worse.

So,

The story is that he wanted to go to a great spiritual giant to maybe pray and help to open up some gates to bring healing to his child.

And the story goes that he goes to the capitalist and he sits there with the capitalist.

He tells him the problem that the doctors really don't know what to do.

The capitalist sits there in meditation and prayer for hours,

Trying to see if he can find a way to awaken some,

Open some supernal gate to bring healing to the child.

And after hours of trying and meditating and praying,

He finally turns to the father and he says,

I'm so sorry.

I've tried everything,

But there's nothing that I can do.

And then the man of course is broken.

This was his last hope,

The doctors can't help and now his spiritual teacher can't help.

He gets on his horse and he starts driving back home.

About a half hour into his ride,

He sees his teacher on a horse behind him rushing towards him.

He's getting excited.

He thinks maybe his teacher was able to with more meditation,

With more prayer,

Create a miracle.

So he stops,

He waits on the side of the road on a rock waiting for his teacher and his teacher catches up with him and he turns to his teacher and he says,

So?

Expecting of course to hear,

Oh,

I was able to awaken,

Awaken a miracle.

I really think everything is going to be okay.

He says to his student,

The teacher does,

He says,

I'm sorry,

There's still nothing that I can do,

But when you left,

I said to myself,

If I can't pray with you and help you,

The least I can do is cry with you.

The story goes that they sat together on the rock on the side of the road and they cried together for hours.

If you really understand,

It's not just like tears and I moved,

But like really he carried his pain with him as if it was his own.

In fact,

It was his own,

Right?

The story actually ends as it's told that the child was healed,

But that's not really the lesson,

Right?

That's not what the lesson is and this is the lesson that we're talking about,

That there's always something that we can do for somebody else,

Especially if somebody is going through a challenge or through pain and tying it back to ourselves.

The reality is that the more we do that,

The more light of support and consolation we have for ourselves.

So,

It's important to do it not just because we want to do the action of sharing for our friends,

But also because that's what builds the muscle of strength and consolation for ourselves.

Which,

And as you were talking,

It reminded me of another very important idea that when focused on when we're going through challenging times can help us find comfort.

And that is because you were sharing how blessed we are now.

This is almost 20 years,

19 years later since Shosh was born.

At the time,

Of course,

We had a different thought process.

Experience of it.

I know one of the things,

And we talk about this often,

When a new challenge comes,

And I recommend this for listeners as well,

Think about a challenge that you had five years ago,

A year ago,

10 years ago,

That you were able to overcome,

That your darkest thoughts about it did not come true.

As a matter of fact,

Maybe even you realized that it became such an amazing blessing for you.

And I think knowing,

Giving yourself that knowledge,

I've been through something like this before.

Maybe I've been through something more difficult,

Maybe I've been through something less difficult,

But I have been through things like this before,

And I've come through it.

And my perspective on it has often changed.

How many times in life,

And I ask our listeners to think about this,

If you,

And we all have lived lives with challenges great and small,

Almost always,

Speaking for ourselves,

And I'm sure for most of our listeners,

We've come through them.

We've come through them with strength.

Often we've come- Well,

We've come through them.

How you've come through them is different for everybody.

But I think for many of our listeners,

I believe this is true.

You came through them,

And in retrospect,

Much better than you thought it was going to be.

Your darkest thoughts about it did not come true.

I'm just going into song in my head again,

Like I often do on our podcast.

Poor Alison sitting all alone.

No,

I made it through the wilderness.

Somehow I made it through.

You have such a better voice than I do,

And you never sing.

It's just like every time you're talking.

Actually,

We've gotten a lot of emails from our listeners complaining that you haven't sung often.

So,

Thank you.

Thanks,

Monica,

And I'm sure our listeners are very happy.

You need to bust out in song.

Sure.

But I think that's an important idea,

That when you're going through a challenge,

When you're going through a difficulty,

Recount something a year ago,

Five years ago,

10 years ago,

Where especially those.

.

.

And it's important to keep this memory of especially the times that we thought were terrible.

I can think of at least three off the top of my head.

Well,

The most profound life-changing moments I had started that it was terrible,

Right?

And that's where I was,

And how could this,

And I'm suffering.

I'm not suffering,

But I'm uncomfortable,

Or I'm in pain.

And those turned out to be the golden gems of my life,

That actually if I look back and say,

Okay,

What really changed me altered me for the better?

Of course,

That was the way I wanted to experience it.

I shifted it.

But those are the moments that I remember.

I do remember the great vacation,

Or the day we took a walk by the stream.

Yes,

But the ones that truly,

I feel,

Made an imprint on my soul,

And therefore changed the direction,

Or how I experienced the direction I was going in were those moments.

That's what we're saying to our listeners is that I think it's always important to think about this,

But certainly when a new challenge comes,

A new pain comes,

Stop for a moment and don't focus on the new pain,

But remember a pain that you experienced before,

A challenge you experienced before,

That not only did you overcome,

Like you said,

But you actually found it to be a tremendous blessing,

A tremendous growth opportunity.

And say to yourself,

Even though the ego is going to say something else,

The ego is going to say,

Oh,

This is the worst.

It's never going to change.

It's going to stay dark.

Your whole life is now dark.

No,

I've got this.

Like you often say,

I've been through similar,

Maybe worse,

Maybe not as bad,

And I've gotten through it,

And often I've gotten through it in a better shape than going into it.

A way that I shortcut to go exactly there is when something happens that I'm not really excited about,

I say to myself,

I don't think I've even shared this with you.

I say this often.

Oh,

I love learning new things about you.

So that happened.

So that happened,

Right?

Then from that,

I can choose how I want to respond to it.

It's happened.

I'm not going to be upset about why it happened.

It happened very matter of factly,

And then I choose my response.

So it shifts being a bystander to actually be a creator of your life.

Interesting,

Right?

Because that thought means to me also that often when- It's not the end of the world.

Well,

Not just that.

When the challenges occur,

Rather than focusing on how do I move forward from here or how do I deal with it,

We often spend a lot of time trying to figure out why did this happen?

Why did he or she do this?

One of the answers to those questions are going to change anything.

Exactly.

Usually.

I mean,

You can go back and revisit,

Do you want that relationship anymore?

Do you want to change how you live?

You're like,

Okay.

But to stop the reaction and to go down the rabbit's hole,

Right,

And spiral.

So that happened.

It's really matter of factly.

And for me,

It really shifts.

I have a little Scorpio in my chart.

I can tend to see things a little dark.

Sometimes.

But that's how I stop that.

And it reminds me of- And don't give it life.

One of my more favorite Robert Frost quotes,

I believe it's a Robert Frost quote,

They asked him,

What have you learned about life?

And he just said,

It goes on.

The idea being that rather than focusing on this one thing,

Be it negative or dark or painful even,

There's going to be life that can hopefully,

That continues onward in most of the situations.

So as you mentioned at the beginning of the podcast,

This book,

Which we both find inspiring,

Called The Comfort Book by Matt Haig,

And really to the point that we were just talking about this idea that the fallacy of our mind telling us in the times of challenge,

This is the darkest,

It's going to be dark forever.

And I won't read through all of it because it's a relatively long,

A few paragraphs,

But I really,

Really love,

And again,

I really think for our listeners,

This can be another shortcut to at least taking steps towards finding comfort in the challenging times.

He says,

For instance,

When I was 24,

I was convinced I would never see my 25th birthday.

I knew for certain that I wouldn't be able to survive for weeks or months with a mental pain I was suddenly encountering.

And yet here I am,

Aged 45,

Writing this paragraph,

And this is the two words that I really like,

Depression lies.

And while the feelings themselves were real,

The things they led me to believe were resolutely not.

Because I didn't really understand how I fell into suicidal depression.

I imagined I would never find my own way out.

I didn't realize that there is something bigger than depression and really bigger than most of the dark times and pain that we experience in life.

And that thing is time.

Time disproves the lies depression tells.

I think that is such a beautiful and profound idea.

And again,

You can,

Instead of depression,

Put in whatever pain you're going through right now,

Whatever difficulty you're going through right now,

That be it as real as it is,

Lies.

It creates lies about the rest of your life.

It creates lies about everything that's going to happen in the future.

Time disproves the lies depression tells.

Because you're able to see the story play out.

If people leave,

He only had one more year to live,

And then 20 years later,

He's still alive.

Well,

But I also think it's what you do with time,

Right?

Of course.

But the reality is,

Even just in the most basic way,

Life goes on.

Jesus' words,

Time disproves the lies of whatever the darkness was telling us.

Right.

I mean,

We see this a lot too when people behave very badly and you see them making choices.

And I'll say to you,

In 20 years from now,

This is going to look very different,

Right?

Because we do know that much about time.

We know that much about life.

And hopefully we can- And it would be good or bad depending on how a person continues to live.

But for sure,

It will play out in a way that you will absolutely see the other side of it.

And there's a phrase,

Another ancient phrase,

Which I really think about often,

That truth lasts forever.

The lies go away.

In the 1920s,

One of our great teachers,

Rav Aslaug,

Very controversial because he was bringing ancient hidden wisdom to too many people.

It's a longer story,

Which we won't get into right now.

And in a letter that he writes to his students who were all upset,

All these people are saying such terrible things about you.

And he says,

He quoted that verse,

The tongue of truth lasts forever and the lies go away.

And he used a few historical precedents for this,

But that's the idea that the true things in life,

Which is not the darkness,

Which is not the pain,

They will endure forever.

The pain,

The darkness is only always momentary.

And I'll read this a few more lines from here,

Time showed me that the things depression imagined for me were fallacies,

Not prophecies.

And I think that's so important again,

Because probably the key to dispelling the great lie of darkness is that it will be here forever.

And again,

It starts and we all go through this,

Right?

None of us are immune to this where lies upon lies are then built upon that fallacy.

And then again,

That doesn't mean time dissolves all mental health issues,

But it does mean our attitudes and approaches to our own mind change and often improve via sticking around long enough to gain the perspective,

Despair and fear refuse to give.

That's true.

That's powerful.

And that's what,

Again,

As I was saying,

One of the key ways,

Again,

This is a muscle you have to build and that's why I would strongly recommend every single one of our listeners do this every single day.

Remember that thing that's causing you a slight pain,

A slight disappointment,

A slight darkness and say,

I'm not buying in to the story,

As you said before,

The story teller part of me that's building all these lies on this truth,

Which is the pain that I'm feeling right now,

Because life goes on.

This pain I will see like we've had in so many experiences.

And as I said,

Many of our listeners have five years later,

10 years later,

If it has not become an amazing source of great joy for you,

It has not come to fruition in the darkest ways that you thought it would.

By the way,

You can fast forward the five years,

10 years to see it by really asking yourself every day,

How can I shift this pain or what is the opportunity or what is it really telling me?

So I want to share something actually from our oldest son,

David.

He's often the source of inspiration for me.

And I thought this was really inspiring.

It's fun to also see him come into his own and say things that he doesn't really realize how profound they are in the moment.

And I thought it was really profound because I often go through life telling people life is- A box of chocolates.

No.

Life is too short not to do what you love or not to do what inspires you.

But he actually one day when we were talking about different things,

He said,

Life is too short to do the wrong thing.

And I thought that was really powerful because if you view life like that,

Then it kind of makes you take pause and stop before you maybe take a negative action or do something mindlessly or feed the ego or think it doesn't really matter and say,

Okay,

Well,

How much time do I really have in this world and what do I want to make of it?

But then if you even take it a step further,

Forget about restricting from doing something really negative or damaging to somebody else or to yourself,

But what about this?

What about those times you're filled with anger or resentment and you can't offer forgiveness or apologize?

I think that that is really how we go through life doing the wrong thing because what that leads to is more pain and more unhappiness and all the things we spoke about so far.

So that's why,

Again,

That one sentence,

If you actually,

When you're met up against a difficult decision to make or a problem and you're feeling angry and resentment and it's like eating at you,

Right?

Life is too short to do the wrong thing.

And in this case,

The wrong thing is to not take action obviously and not practice forgiveness.

Thank you,

David,

For that pearl of wisdom.

Exactly.

I'm not sure you knew how to do that one at the time,

But we did.

We talked about it and hopefully he'll listen to this episode.

Well,

If we tell him he's mentioned it,

I'm sure he will.

No,

He's not that child,

A different child in our family,

But no.

Another idea which I often use and I know we speak about this often and it relates to the first idea we spoke of is what happens when a challenge comes into our life,

Especially the small ones,

But even the larger ones.

A question that I always ask myself and I know we have this conversation.

If you look at your life in totality,

Which so few times do,

I think most of us would realize we are so unbelievably blessed.

One.

And then the question is- It's cute when you say that because you're the only person I know in the world that says we're so unbelievably blessed.

I think people will recognize that they have blessings.

I have never met to this day somebody which is beautiful.

And it's good because I think that's the bar,

Right?

Right.

But okay,

So- No,

No,

Continue.

I love it.

And the question that I then ask myself when something is upsetting or annoying,

Am I willing to pay this to keep all the rest of my blessings?

Is this payment worthwhile if it is for payment for all the rest?

And the answer almost always is of course.

What's the question?

What our mind wants us to do- But when you say payment,

I think you have to unpack that because then it can be confusing for people.

Because I was saying originally,

Life is a total whole,

Which means what we like about life,

What we don't like about life,

What we see as blessings,

What we see as challenges.

And we like to think,

Well,

Okay,

This person just did something to me.

I am so upset.

And this is almost 100% of my thought right now.

And I don't think of the fact that on some level,

On a deeper spiritual level,

This is part of what keeps the rest of my blessings standing.

That there's always payment in life.

You never earn,

Certainly never keep great blessings without payment.

And payment comes in many forms.

Sometimes that payment is pain.

Sometimes that payment is challenge.

And if we ask ourselves that question,

This is what I have.

Those of us who are blessed with family,

Those of us who are blessed with work,

Those of us who are blessed with shelter,

Those of us who are blessed with food,

And this person just annoyed me.

Is that a worthwhile payment to keep all the rest of my blessings?

The answer is almost always yes.

So is this to awaken appreciation in a person?

Is that why there has to be this payment aspect?

It's actually because I was having this conversation with David.

And I don't know how deep we want to go into this.

But all of us have positive and negative parts of us.

All of us have positive things that we've done and negative things that we've done.

In life,

There is always,

If I have a blessing,

That means I have to be at a certain state of spiritual being.

If I've done negative things,

And we all have,

Then how do I get rid of that so that that doesn't come in and bother the rest of my blessings?

How do I make sure that my prior actions of selfishness or negativity don't impinge?

Well,

Even from past incarnations.

Forget about past incarnations.

Yeah,

Past incarnations.

I think most of us- Yesterday.

Yeah,

Most of us can just think about our lives so far in this incarnation.

An hour ago,

Yeah.

So I'm aware of that,

That I might not.

.

.

I don't want to use the word deserve the totality of my blessings.

But yes,

There are things that I have done that maybe deserve some sort of negativity back because we know everything we do comes back to us.

And do I want that negativity to impinge on any of my blessings or am I so happy that this is the payment?

There's a word that my mother would often use when something would happen,

Let's say even a brick of vase in the house.

Oh,

Okay.

That's a worthwhile payment.

I get to keep my health.

I get to keep my family.

I get to keep my.

.

.

I think that perspective,

Which is that as a payment for everything that I have,

Oh yeah,

Give me even more.

And again,

Most of us would have to go to that's something my father would often say,

But I am so happy that this is the payment.

Yeah,

Somebody.

.

.

Often I'll talk to people who like,

Somebody says something really negative about me on Instagram.

My question would be,

Okay,

Now let's look at all your life and all your blessings.

Is this a good enough payment for today?

Maybe it would be a different payment.

But for today,

If that's what you have to pay to have all these blessings,

Are you okay with that?

The answer would be absolutely yes.

I want to just pause for a sec.

So let's say a person loses their wallet,

Right?

And it's annoying to get a license and to cancel- They have $500 in there.

You have to cancel your credit cards and now this crazy person knows where you live and okay,

There's a whole.

.

.

There's a bunch of issues there.

But then you think about,

Wow,

If this is the payment for all the.

.

.

I get that,

The blessings that I have and this is just the easier way to cleanse the ego,

Let's say,

Or remove the ego.

By having to deal with that and having the pain of that,

I get it.

But then I'll give another example.

Let's say that somebody tore a tendon and they love to work out and that's their happy place and all of this.

So payment almost sounds like punishment in that regard.

Is it because they didn't appreciate what their body could do?

That's why I'm saying I think the way.

.

.

I understand what you're saying,

But I think there's a fine line between cause and effect or a negative payment versus a cleansing of an ego.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

I understand that it's not an easy question to answer only because it's not something that we often like to accept.

But being honest- As we always are.

As we always are,

The answer is yes.

And I understand that there may- Yes to all of what I just said.

Yes.

Meaning at a basic level,

Whatever I go through is either cleansing or payment or necessary for me to keep and have all the rest of the blessings that I have.

And when that pain is very big,

It's very hard to do what we just spoke about.

And I understand that and accept that for ourselves as well.

That does not take away from the truth of this reality,

Which is that what we go through in life is always of course an effect of our actions.

The blessings that we have and the challenges are always balanced.

And therefore that question,

Am I willing to pay this to have all the rest of my life?

The answer- To keep all of them.

To keep all the rest,

The answer is almost always yes.

Almost always yes.

That's the balance of our life.

But again,

I think this is why this is so important to work on developing this muscle all the time because again,

There is a gamut of from the guy cutting me off on the highway,

The guy saying something nasty to me at the supermarket,

The guy trolling me on social media,

Tearing a tendon.

And then of course one can continue that ladder of more and more pain.

But if you're building that muscle,

And this is something that I can tell you from practice and you're experiencing this as well,

If you are consistent in this thought process,

Which means when the challenges come,

The pain comes,

You're able to remind yourself,

There's a reason why this is here.

And if this is a payment for the rest of the great things that I have in my life,

It's a bargain.

Also,

As you were speaking,

Well,

The first three examples you gave,

I mean,

Gosh,

Michael,

You've been busy.

The guy trolling you,

People following you on the highway.

I don't know.

The tendon one though is me.

I'm fine to disclose that.

I think though,

To be able to get to this place we're talking about where you're like,

Yes,

Yes,

No matter what,

To keep all these blessings,

I am in it.

This is okay to happen.

Because I remember when I tore a different tendon two years ago,

It was very hard for me to surrender,

To let go of control,

The desired outcome I wanted.

And now when it happened this time,

I was like,

Okay,

I'm tired actually.

I need a rest and just to really jump into appreciation.

And then also it helps with healing,

It helps with everything else.

So instead of fighting why these things are happening or even questioning like,

And I don't believe in the deserving thing in the negative way,

But that there's an opportunity for sure here.

I think it changes your experience again of your life and your responses to all things that happen to you.

Both bad of course,

But also good because then you're like,

It brings you back to this place if you're really paying attention to complete appreciation and gratitude for all the goodness that we have in life.

Just like that phone call we get about somebody you love that is going through a health crisis,

Whatever it is,

It's like suddenly we kind of need those,

The needle scratching the record where you- For any of our listeners who actually know what that means.

Our listeners do.

Our children might not.

And it scratches it and suddenly you wake up from the fog and you're like,

Well,

What was that?

I need to pay attention here.

Yeah.

I would just say again,

A conversation that I had with our son the other day,

And I strongly believe this.

Oh,

David,

We love you.

Yes.

That if any one of us ever really appreciated the gift of life- It'd be impossible.

To ever be sad about anything except the extreme.

You tell me that all the time.

No,

It's so true.

I say every time I hear it,

Every time we say it,

I get closer to living it.

And that's why it's so important to repeat that over and over again.

I do want to share this one last one.

I know you're the timekeeper.

I just read your mind.

I think it's really important because it ties into this idea that we're just talking about,

The power of perspective.

So it's a Taoist fable.

And I believe I told this story before,

But I just say I love it.

It's a simple story and the simplicity of it actually really excites me.

So it's about an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years when one day his horse ran away.

Upon hearing the news,

His neighbors came to visit.

Such bad luck,

They said sympathetically.

Maybe,

The farmer replied.

The next morning,

The horse returned bringing with it three other wild horses.

How wonderful,

The neighbors exclaimed.

Maybe,

Replied the old man.

The following day,

His son tried to ride one of the untamed horses,

Was thrown and broke his leg.

The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy for his misfortune.

Maybe,

Answered the farmer.

The day after,

Military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army.

Seeing the son's leg was broken,

They passed him by.

The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

Maybe,

Said the farmer.

So the message of the fable is simple.

Everything that happens to you is meant to happen,

Every time without exception.

And it might not seem fair or right in the moment,

But if we're able to see what five years,

10 years,

15 years down the line,

If we're able to see the story be complete,

We would never really be able to question any process we ever go through.

That's beautiful.

Two things I would say to that story.

One is that as you were reading it,

And I've heard,

Obviously you've shared this before,

I've heard it before that the neighbors are really our internal mind,

Right?

Well,

Some people just have annoying to know.

Yeah.

No,

But yeah.

I know.

I know.

We're telling ourselves- Right.

It's our inner voice,

Our negative voice,

Right?

That makes you doubt,

Worry,

Question every single thing that happens.

And that idea that we only ever,

Ever see one paragraph of a chapter in the story of our lives.

In a moment in time.

And how stupid it is to fall to the lie that this paragraph in a chapter in the story of my life is everything.

So powerful,

Right?

Yeah.

I want to read this one last thing.

This really inspired me,

I think because it spoke to the way I approach life,

Which is not the way that I used to.

So it's called,

It's Okay.

It's okay to be broken.

I'm sorry.

This is from the comfort book again.

It's okay to be broken.

It's okay to wear the scars of experience.

It's okay to be a mess.

It's okay to be the teacup with a chip in it.

That's the one with the story.

Love that.

It's okay to be sentimental and whimsical and cry bittersweet tears at songs and movies you aren't supposed to love.

It's okay to like what you like.

It's okay to like things for literally no other reason than because you like them and not because they're cool or clever or popular.

It's okay to let people find you.

You don't have to spread yourself so thin you become invisible.

This really spoke to me too.

I can imagine.

You don't have to always be the person reaching out.

You can sometimes allow yourself to be reached.

As the great writer Anne Lamott puts it,

Lighthouses don't grow running all over an island for boats to save.

They just stand there shining.

I love that.

It's okay not to make the most of every chunk of time.

It's okay to be who you are.

It's okay.

Is that not so me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You could have written that for sure.

I swear.

I probably have written variations of that,

But that was,

It's a great book.

This is a great.

I really enjoyed this episode.

Yes,

Very much.

We won't get to a letter.

Oh,

Come on.

Why are you always disappointing everybody,

Michael?

But please do continue to send your letters,

Common stories.

We will- Maybe read them at some point.

Maybe read them.

Monica.

Eventually.

Do not be discouraging our listeners and sending their stories.

Honey,

If you want them to send stories,

You have to read them.

No.

Just be happy in the knowledge that it inspires us.

Oh,

So they don't need to know what's going to happen.

You don't need to know the end of the story.

With Alison?

I'm going to have a nightmare with Alison tonight.

When we're going to read it.

For old Alison.

She's now like 100 years old in the middle of the forest.

Anyway,

Please continue to send your,

They do inspire us and we will share them.

You know what I'm going to do when we're sleeping tonight?

I'm going to whisper in your ear.

Alison.

Alison.

Please do continue to send your stories,

Questions,

Comments to Monica and Michael at kabbalah.

Com.

We will continue to read them.

We read all of them.

We will continue to share them with our listeners.

They will bring great inspiration to our listeners,

But please,

Please continue to send them.

Also continue to go to Apple and wherever you get your podcasts,

Write five star reviews,

Share this podcast with as many people as you can.

And I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it.

Because we enjoyed.

We did.

We'll see you next time.

Reviews

Very inspirational ✨