52. True Love: How To Kindle A Soul Mate Relationship

In this episode of Spiritually Hungry, Monica and Michael continue their discussion on true love with a focus on the kabbalistic definition of a ‘soul mate’ relationship, or one in which each partner is supporting each other to grow and change. Listen as they explore what it means to really be loved, how we can stay true to ourselves while in a relationship, how to positively challenge – and be challenged by – your partner, and more.

Transcript

Even in relationships,

People think that they are successful if they're problem-free,

Or it's relatively easy and of course you should be compatible and you should get along and all that's important,

But this idea of being challenged,

It's actually the remedy for not being bored in a relationship.

Too often we don't check in with ourselves.

It's not about the partner.

How often the relationship itself,

The marriage itself,

Really has sustainability,

But because the individual or both individuals lost themselves in the process,

The marriage then seems to be pointless as well.

There are a lot of things that unless we stop and we pay attention and we ask ourselves these questions and give ourselves honest feedback,

Your life will happen to you,

Not through you,

And you will wake up one day and really just say,

How did I get here?

And because we know that unless we are growing and changing our level of fulfillment and really our fulfillment of our purpose in this life will not be met.

Welcome to Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 52.

52.

So we're going to pick up where we left off last week.

Speaking a little bit more about love.

And addressing the questions many of our listeners have sent.

Yes,

That you haven't been able to answer or read lately.

That would be good.

We'll get to that.

Oh,

Letters.

No,

No,

No.

It's not with the questions.

Oh,

The questions.

Yes.

Do you have letters too?

Also,

Yes.

Good.

All right.

You ready?

I'm ready.

Should I start?

Okay.

So one of the questions,

What are the signs that you are truly in love?

So it's a tricky question,

I think,

Because it depends on how you define love,

Your expectations of love.

If you know how to give and receive love,

It's so complicated.

Which actually,

With deference to the person who sends in this question,

Maybe I would proceed it with a different question,

Which is how do you know that you are being loved?

Right?

What does it mean to be loved?

That's a better question.

Well,

I'm sure that our listeners have a great question.

But because I think that's a very important question to begin with,

Because last week we addressed what does it mean to be in love with somebody?

But I think the other side to that is also as important.

What does it mean?

What should you experience?

What does it feel like?

To be loved.

Well,

It's interesting because there's actually some questions I wrote down that actually pertains and I think supports this question that you posit.

So I think the first is to ask yourself,

Do they make you feel supported?

Again,

That doesn't necessarily sound romantic at first,

But it is ultimately very much so.

It's so important to feel that in a relationship.

Because that also means that you're in a friendship,

By the way.

The other question.

.

.

Just to that point,

I think it's so important because often when you see relationships,

Even those that seem to be working,

It's almost like they each have responsibilities within.

So let's say,

For example,

He or she is the breadwinner.

He or she is the stay-at-home dad or mom.

He or she.

.

.

They have assigned roles,

Basically.

Exactly.

But it's never,

I wouldn't say never,

But not often enough based on the concept of support.

Meaning both partners in the relationship need to be asking themselves both,

Am I giving support?

And whether I am feeling supported.

And what that means isn't just as often to say,

Well,

I do the work,

I bring the money,

And you have to do all these things.

Sort of,

Again,

Just that dichotomy of responsibilities.

That's not support.

I think we tell ourselves,

Of course,

What do you mean?

I make money.

We can eat therefore,

And so on.

But that's not the question.

The question is not whether I am doing something that is.

.

.

Providing.

Exactly.

It's the consumer mentality that a lot of people have in relationships.

Is that,

I've bought into this really,

I'm in this now,

And you owe me something.

The consumer provider mentality.

Or even I owe you something.

Yes.

But it's very different than support.

Right.

Meaning for whatever it is that I need to do,

And more importantly,

Whatever my hopes and dreams are,

Do I really feel that you are a support for me in that?

By the way,

I feel like for our relationship,

It became deeper,

And I felt so much more connected to you when I did feel that support from you.

Whether it was through my most challenging times,

Or even in my aspirations in terms of my goals,

My purpose,

Sense of self.

Right.

So one of the first questions that we should ask ourselves,

Both in what we're receiving from relationship and certainly what we're giving into the relationship,

Do we give and receive support from our partner for what is important for each?

Yes.

Another great question is,

When you're with them,

Do they usually bring out your best or your worst?

Now,

Of course,

It's our responsibility.

I know where you're going here on your mind.

It's our responsibility to manage our own feelings,

Right?

But there's certain people also,

Right,

That can support you or know how to trigger you.

And we were talking to somebody earlier,

Even if you ask certain questions,

Right?

The way you ask it,

It can put the person on a defense.

So I think that's important.

Now,

That doesn't mean that you're not loved,

But it means that there's work to do.

Interesting.

Because as you were saying that,

I was thinking,

Well,

Who would be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't make them feel good?

There are so many people in relationships like that.

Yes.

Yes.

I'm sure that,

I mean,

Yes,

We've seen people like that.

But I guess it seems so basic,

But unfortunately,

Maybe not a constant assessment.

Well,

It can start that way probably,

Right?

You would hope.

So.

.

.

When I'm around them,

Does it bring out the better parts of me?

Or when I'm around them,

Does it bring out the worst parts of me?

I think often people,

When the marriage or the relationship is in trouble and they realize hopefully that the relationship should not be causing me negative feelings,

At least for the most part.

And it is unfortunate how too often,

Not early enough do we ask that question.

The people in the relationship ask the question.

When I'm around them,

Do I feel.

.

.

My best or my worst?

Exactly.

Yeah.

Another great question.

And I think this is interesting too is,

Do they challenge you?

Do they listen deeply?

Do they ask you about your past,

Your day,

Your opinions,

Your dreams?

So I know those are different questions,

But they're all in terms of being interested in the other.

What was the first one?

Do they challenge you?

And I think that a lot of people misunderstand that because we've talked about this and I want to get into this in a little bit about soulmate relationships.

I think that even just.

.

.

And I don't answer the soulmate part now,

But even in relationships,

People think that they are successful if they're problem-free or it's relatively easy.

And of course you should be compatible and you should get along and all that's important.

But this idea of being challenged,

It's actually the remedy for not being bored in a relationship.

Right?

But explain what you mean by being challenged.

You don't mean arguing,

Right?

Unfortunately there are a lot of people who argue with their spouses or their partners.

No,

I mean asking questions,

Pushing back.

Like you would if you were really curious and discovering something,

Really interested in something,

Right?

So like you would.

.

.

I will use the example of a child.

You will challenge them if you think that they're onto something,

But they're not fully meeting their potential,

Right?

In a way to inspire them or to lead them into something where they actually want to be led to,

Right?

It's to help them get further along in terms of their relationship with themselves,

Their relationship with the world,

Their experience of the world,

Right?

So in the greatest relationships,

A partner does that for one another.

Right.

But I just want to be mindful of the fact that there is also a very terrible way of doing that,

Right?

So you don't mean,

Which I know you don't,

Is that there are people like let's say one of the partners has a dream to write a book,

Right?

And their partner says,

Oh,

That's stupid or.

.

.

That's not challenging.

That's mean.

Oh,

That's challenging.

No,

That's not at all challenging.

That's just being cruel and a bit of a bully.

My point is clearly there's a bad way to challenge.

And I think challenge wouldn't be like,

Well,

You know,

If you do that,

You might hit this obstacle and you know,

That's discouraging.

Challenging is saying,

I believe in your potential and,

But,

And I think that your potential is even far greater than maybe you even recognize it to be.

How can we do that?

And it doesn't even have to be about that person.

It could be about something in the relationship or in terms of how they relate as a couple to life,

Right?

But it has to be coming from a place of real love,

Right?

And also it has to be aligned with the partner's version of what they want to be,

Right?

It has to be,

Can't be your vision for them.

It has to be something that they also truly desire and therefore you're able to help them grow,

Really.

Right.

But I do,

Again,

On the other hand,

Because I do think it is a very important part of a relationship and those of our listeners who are in a relationship should ask the question,

What was the last time my partner challenged me?

What was the last time that I challenged my partner?

And that could be both on,

But again,

Always from a place of love and support,

Right?

I think that's,

It has to be right.

So challenge means that I feel that after speaking to them about this,

Whatever it is,

I feel motivated,

Inspired to grow,

To change.

Or maybe I'm just thinking differently and I hadn't even thought of it in that way,

Right?

Maybe an example,

I wrote about this couple in my book,

Rethink Lab.

His name's Ethan.

And interestingly enough,

When men had read this chapter,

A few came to me like,

Who's Ethan?

We really want to talk to him.

They're joking kind of because the story goes like this.

He is British.

And when he'd come home from work every day,

His wife literally would be waiting by the front door with Highland Park,

Scotch Neat.

And she would take his briefcase and take his coat.

And then they would go up to the bathtub where she had drawn a bath for him and he would drink his Scotch while she rushed his back and he would tell her about his day.

Of course,

Food was already cooking.

The children had done their homework.

They were all bathed,

Ready to eat dinner for him.

And that's why most men were like,

Well,

Who's this Ethan?

And more importantly,

Like,

Where's his wife,

Right?

But he was very unhappy in the relationship.

He was quite bored.

He didn't feel challenged.

He didn't feel inspired.

She never piqued his curiosity.

And it's not her fault,

By the way.

He set this relationship up.

This is what he thought he wanted going into marriage.

And this is who he looked for and this is what he created.

Right.

And so she didn't really do anything wrong.

She thought that that's what he wanted.

But ultimately,

He felt completely unfulfilled in the marriage.

And I think ultimately she did,

Too.

The way he handled it wasn't great.

He ended up cheating on her and leaving and breaking up the family when,

In fact,

It perhaps it could have worked had she been really somebody who had challenged him,

Who had met him with his interest or been more curious about things.

That's the kind of challenge I'm referring to.

Right.

And also,

Also,

As we do to each other,

And I think usually in the right way,

When you see a partner either behaving in the way that you.

.

.

Usually or always.

Oh,

Absolutely.

None of us are.

Except me.

None of us are perfect.

You're perfect.

I'm not.

But when you see your partner behaving the way that you think is not their best,

Bringing that up in a loving and caring way.

But our interest,

Though,

Is that we want to be our best.

And that's why that works in our marriage.

But that's the thing.

This is the part that's tricky.

Because if you have a relationship that,

Let's say,

Is not rooted in spirituality,

Right?

So if one partner is constantly pointing out to the other partner,

Like,

Look,

You weren't your best here.

And they're like,

Well,

I wasn't really asking you.

Of course.

I mean,

You could see how that would go terribly wrong.

So of course,

Ultimately,

The most fulfilling relationships are ones that are rooted in a spiritual practice and therefore are open to this kind of feedback.

Well,

I would add,

Like I've said before,

And I really strongly believe this,

I think it's almost impossible,

Again,

Unlikely,

For a relationship to be its best version if both partners are not desiring to grow into change together.

Because otherwise,

Like you said,

It gets boring or without purpose.

Right.

You end up talking about the children or where you're going to go to dinner.

And that's pretty much.

Right.

So I think it's a very important point,

But one that we should ask ourselves,

But also ask and make sure that we go about it in the right way.

The reason I am challenging you or the reason you challenge me is because you love me and you really come and communicate in that way for how I can grow and how I can change.

Right.

Yeah.

So what was the second question?

Do they listen deeply?

Do they ask you about your past,

Your day,

Your opinions,

Your dreams?

So we've talked about emotional intelligence a lot.

It's basically being interested enough,

But also invested enough in your relationship that you really care to know these things.

So back to the original,

Actually,

We have to go two questions back.

What does it feel like to be loved or to be in a loving relationship?

You feel heard,

You feel seen,

You feel understood.

And challenged and inspired.

Yes.

I still have more on the list though.

Keep going,

Keep going.

I just want to start.

My point is I want to make sure that as our listeners listen to this,

Either a mental list or actually write this down,

Because these are all so important guideposts in making our relationships even better.

And to see where you're at in your own relationship.

Do they share your values and beliefs?

And I think this one's really interesting because I'm not sure that most people put this really high up on the list when they start out a relationship.

I think it's more about instant connection,

Passion,

A lot of things that are just physical,

Because after all,

That's how we view the world is through our five senses.

But I'm not sure we ask those kinds of questions.

For instance,

If somebody was sure they didn't want to have any kids,

No matter what,

Right?

Maybe they had a horrible childhood.

Maybe they just don't want,

It's not for them.

And the other person thinks,

Well,

When we get married,

I'll convince them otherwise,

You know,

Never going to work.

So I do think that it's really important to see where you are aligned in that way or not.

So oh,

You have more?

I can stop.

No,

No,

Keep going.

Keep going.

I like this one.

Do you ever want to be apart from that person?

Want to be apart from that?

Let me think about that.

You do that.

Do you ever want to be apart?

Well,

Again,

I think and again,

I think we have to also mitigate that question by saying it's true.

I think in our relationship,

I really don't ever not want to be with you.

That's good.

But I do think that there is,

But not from a place of,

Oh,

I can never be apart from you for a second.

No,

Not the needy thing.

But also not from the other side of like,

Oh,

I just need my space.

But I think only because we try to maintain the healthy balance where we do give each other space.

Right.

I mean,

Imagine if we spent 24 hours a day every second of every day together.

I assume that at a certain point I'd be like,

You know,

I need,

I need,

You know,

I needed time to sit down and read or whatever.

I think it is important that you take time apart.

Well our thing is when we want to.

If I ask you a question or you ask me and we don't feel it,

We just are in our own space.

But like,

Not right now.

Right.

Right.

So if for us it's just like,

But I'm talking more about you would opt and prefer to go out with your friends,

Girlfriends,

Guys,

Whatever,

Then be with your partner or you're really craving the vacation alone type of thing.

Right.

I don't want to set the bar too high.

Right.

Because depending on where you are in your relationship,

Right,

Certainly people who are starting out in a relationship,

I would assume,

You know,

It is healthy to keep,

To maintain some boundaries and some time alone.

Even people who are in a relationship or,

You know,

Making it better,

But certainly as the end goal,

Right,

Certainly as an end goal.

Because I wonder,

I mean,

Out of the couples and you,

You know,

You counsel so many couples,

But out of the couples that we know,

How many of them really want to spend as much time as they can together?

Yeah,

But I just think it's because the emphasis is on the wrong things.

I just don't think that,

Like we were talking about this too,

That your relationships meant to be better than it was each and every year.

Right.

And for that to happen,

Though,

There needs to be this shift where you have the understanding that maybe you don't feel like being with your partner that much,

But why not?

I think that these questions,

My point in these questions,

What's the reason,

Their indication that you feel,

Yeah,

Exactly.

It's not whether it's right or wrong.

It's just,

It's an indication of where are you at?

And if the goal is that each and every year you'll be more in love with each other and you'll be more fulfilled in the relationship,

Then the answer to these questions will be very clear.

Right.

So I have a question for you.

Oh,

I want to,

Did we answer,

Let me,

Let me just look at,

What are the signs that you are truly in love?

That was the original question.

And then we diverted a little bit to,

To what is it,

What does it feel like to be loved?

So what are the signs that is it the same answer that you are in love?

I just don't think the first question is,

I don't think you can answer that first question again,

Everybody's definition of love is different.

I think maybe this is the question I was going to ask you,

What is the difference between infatuation and love?

Right.

So infatuation is often not based on the internal,

Right?

Usually usually,

And it's short term,

Usually a lot of passion at the beginning.

Right.

And again,

I've seen people in this state and it doesn't ever really feel like love.

It really doesn't.

It feels like a very self-centered physical,

Purely physical desire.

And not that any one of those things on their own should not exist,

Right?

You do of course want to be attracted physically.

Of course you do want part of your relationship to be based on the physical coming together,

All of that.

But infatuation I think is when it is certainly not balanced,

But also not coming from a deep place within your own soul.

It's coming,

I think from a surface level,

It's coming from physical,

It's coming from desire.

I think it's also on some level coming from a bit of desperation.

Like you need this person and they're intoxicating,

You're consumed by them.

I don't think you're fully seeing they're good and they're bad or seeing them for who they really are.

It's more just how they're making you feel.

Right,

Right.

So lacking in balance as well,

But most importantly not being or having the foundational elements that a real relationship must have,

Which is everything we spoke about before.

And that usually,

Usually infatuation does not include those elements.

Do you have an answer to that question?

It's different than mine or is it?

No,

No,

I agree with you.

I added my part.

You want to do another question?

I have a question.

Go ahead.

How do you see people lose themselves in a relationship?

It happens a lot and I think that,

I think it happens primarily because many don't know themselves before going into a relationship.

So it's easy then to morph into that person's world or what they want you to be or who they want you to be.

It's kind of like the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts.

So I love that movie.

It's super cute.

And she keeps walking out on her fiancees on the wedding day.

And also through the movie,

You realize that whenever she's with one of these fiancees,

She eats eggs the way that they eat eggs.

So this one likes over easy.

This one likes sunny side up.

This one likes poached.

And then she becomes them like one's a coach and now she's super sporty.

And that's not really who she is.

So the point is that she never really came to even know what kind of eggs she likes.

So like at one scene in the movie,

She makes every kinds of eggs that you can make.

And she decides,

Okay,

This is the one that I like.

So it's a silly example.

But I think that for the most part,

People don't do that.

They don't actually stop and decide and know who they are and create that strong sense of self.

And even for those who do,

By the way,

It's also easy to kind of lose yourself when you get wrapped up in a new romance.

And then let's say that you really like their world that you're going into.

People lose themselves all kinds of ways.

People who didn't have money and then they come into money,

Right?

Like suddenly things are changed by environment,

Experience,

People.

And it takes a very strong person to be able to maintain themselves and their balance,

Especially around other strong characters or other influences.

So I do see it happening quite often.

And that's why it's so important to continuously,

Even if you gave yourself that early in life,

Right,

We're forever changing.

So it's this idea of constantly going back and checking in with yourself.

Who are you?

What do you believe?

What do you desire?

Where do you want to see yourself in one year,

Five years,

10 years from now outside of the relationship?

And to constantly go back and make sure that you become and stay a friend to yourself.

That's the only thing that will safeguard you from not losing yourself in a relationship.

Right.

Because I think,

Again,

Fortunately,

We do see this too often where regardless of where a person was when the relationship began,

Especially people get married,

They have children,

They have a family,

People get lost within all of that activity,

Work,

Newness,

Also a lot of new things,

Having kids,

Right?

I mean,

Things change you and don't always check back within them with themselves and ask the question,

Is my individuality is my own self being taken care of being appreciated or really separated from the rest of this very important family that we're that we're building?

Because again,

What happens too often is that even marriages that stay together after 15 years of 20 years of having kids,

Helping them,

Educating them,

And then they go off to college or they leave the house.

And then the couple is like the almost strangers coming together.

And often people decided,

Either we'll get divorced or we'll just live our separate lives.

Because too often we don't check in with ourselves.

It's not about the partner.

Often the relationship itself,

The marriage itself really has sustainability.

But because the individual or both individuals lost themselves in the process,

The marriage then seems to be pointless as well.

And I think that's such an important point.

Really regardless,

Especially if you're in a long-term relationship,

Where you started is important,

But less important than where are you now?

Are you still making sure that you are a separate being outside of this relationship,

Outside of being a parent,

Outside of whatever very important activities you have and responsibilities you have with this relationship or with this family?

Which again,

Too often we do not sustain that focus throughout.

Because like you said,

Because there are so many responsibilities,

There is so many new things happening that it's natural to lose focus on ourselves.

By the way,

I think it's important for people to constantly go back and ask themselves the simple question of,

Does this behavior or routine still work for me?

Do I still believe in the things that I'm doing?

Because again,

If you go through life robotically,

And now we're talking about relationships,

But you could put that in any bucket,

Right?

Then 15,

20 years later,

When you're starting to feel really uneasy or unfulfilled and you ask the question,

Which I hear a lot,

How did I get here?

What happened to the last 20 years or how did I become this person or how did my relationship become this?

Because we are going through the monotony of life without really stopping and checking in.

I really make it a discipline,

Especially about the things I believe in,

To go back and ask myself,

Do I still believe them?

So I did this when I was a vegetarian.

Does this way of life,

This way of eating still work for my body?

Does it feel like it's supporting me and sustaining me in the way that I need to?

I did this when I was a marathon runner.

I still love running,

But it started to take its wear and tear and I wanted to start dancing again like I did when I was a kid.

So for me to do that,

I had to say,

Okay,

I'm okay with not being labeled as a marathon runner because I was too invested with the title of it.

And I think that happens in relationships too.

Mothers,

They become very invested in being a great mom and now they're a mommy all the time.

Are you still a wife?

Do you still have sex appeal for your husband?

There are a lot of things that unless we stop and we pay attention and we ask ourselves these questions and give ourselves honest feedback,

Your life will happen to you,

Not through you.

You'll wake up one day and really just say,

How did I get here?

Absolutely.

We,

Yesterday we were talking to somebody,

This is true again of every area in life where,

Especially if you're doing something for five years,

10 years,

15 years,

20 years,

Be it work,

Be it a relationship,

Be it a family,

You lose track of even why you're doing this.

Oh,

This is what I do now.

And one of the things that I've always done that answer drives me hazy.

Like we've always done it this way.

I'm like,

Well,

That's the exact reason we should stop right now and try anything else because you're going to discover something better for sure.

And what I said yesterday is we shouldn't be scared of big changes.

I think again,

Especially once you're in a routine of life,

Be it a relationship or work,

We're very much scared of what will change be.

You know,

Will it be,

Will it be drastically different?

Sometimes the answer is yes,

Sometimes there's no,

But you have to be not scared of making big changes,

Especially if it's not serving you.

If your work isn't serving you.

Better the devil you know than the one you don't,

Right?

Sure.

And again,

It is scary.

Change is scary for many,

Understandably so.

But again,

Like the person we were talking yesterday,

If they are unfulfilled with the work that they're doing,

Then it's crazy.

It's crazy to go year after year,

Just because I've been doing this for 25 years,

I'm going to do it for the next 25 years.

It's who I am.

Right.

Conversely,

I think when you don't do this,

Right?

When you don't check in with yourself,

What are,

For instance,

You know,

Especially in as it relates to family and the responsibilities of family,

You know,

What are really my dreams?

Where do I want to be?

I,

Not the mother,

The father,

The breadwinner,

The worker,

Whatever,

Where do I want to be?

And ask that consistently,

Because again,

The sad part is when some of that often,

When some of that calms down,

Whether because the kids have left the house or,

Or other things have changed,

You will often go back to the relationship and say,

Okay,

This is the core problem in my life.

This is not fulfilling me.

Now let's break this.

No,

It's more like you are the core problem.

Exactly.

When,

By the way,

Sometimes it might be,

But oftentimes,

It's never black or white.

It's not.

It's that I haven't taken the time to build myself.

And again,

This again,

Some of the saddest conversations that I have is people who have been married 25 years,

30 years,

35 years who realize,

And maybe they realize it 10 years early and didn't do anything,

But realize,

Wow,

We really don't have a lot in common.

We really,

I don't really get a lot out of this.

This is all I know.

So don't ever divorce me because I don't know what life will be like if we're not married.

But this is definitely not a source of great inspiration,

Desire,

And joy in my life.

All of those realities are wrong,

Sad,

Right?

Either being in a real,

Staying in a relationship just because that's all you know for so long or breaking up the relationship because unfortunately the individual didn't give themselves enough growth inspiration in all those years.

It is so important whether you're married for,

Whether you're in a relationship for one day,

Whether you're in a marriage for 30 years to keep asking the question is how do I see myself growing?

Who do I want to be?

What are my dreams and what am I doing to make myself grow in that direction?

Otherwise,

Again,

You can wind up after years of not such a fulfilling marriage or life blaming your partner for something you really should have taken responsibility and you need to be taking responsibility for on a consistent basis.

So back just to that point,

I would say probably in marriages that last,

In relationships that last.

In a successful,

Yes.

No,

No,

I was going to say,

I was going to say,

I think most people either lose themselves or don't,

Do not check in with themselves enough to enable the marriage to be something that is thriving,

Something that is growing because if you lose yourself or passively don't check in with yourself enough,

Then yes,

You can find yourself after.

But the point is just to really underscore this,

Everybody will lose themselves if they're not constantly,

Consistently going back and checking in with themselves because we are forever changing in ways that we don't have access to unless we're super self-aware.

So that's the responsibility of each and every single person.

If they want to have a successful life,

Then you add the relationship into that,

Right?

Right,

Which I think is a very important point because not that people have this vision,

But if you,

If a person's using the negative scenario where a person is married for 20 to 25 years and they were not,

Had not been checking in themselves,

But they had all the responsibilities of getting,

Of working or of creating the family,

Of supporting the family.

And then after 20,

25 years,

They look at their partner and they say,

You're the reason why I'm unhappy.

You're the reason why I haven't pursued my dreams.

You're the right.

The reality is that same person would probably be in the same situation if they were not in a relationship with those 25 years.

They would have very likely lost themselves in whatever other paths of life that they would have been on if in either scenario where they're being in a relationship or being on their own,

They have not been checking in with themselves on a consistent basis.

The funny thing is the irony is those people that let's say,

Um,

We're not in a relationship,

Right?

And they still found themselves lost wherever they'd be blaming the fact that they weren't in a relationship that they were there.

So it's just a lie that we tell ourselves.

And that's why it's so important to really continuously give yourself that attention.

Right.

Because again,

Because naturally life will overwhelm us and therefore hinder us from having that time to look inside and question ourselves and our goals and our dreams.

So how would you define a soulmate relationship?

Well,

I think we kind of covered that before,

Right?

Because it's actually a better question for you.

Oh,

I'm not going to,

Well you said we kind of covered it before.

Do you have a different answer?

No,

No,

No.

I think it's when you are both,

I think,

And again,

Love has to be the basis.

Well,

What is a soulmate?

Can we start there?

Because so many people are confused about that.

Oh,

You know,

You,

And usually it's like,

It's the person that completes me,

The other half of my soul.

And,

But really what is it and how rare is it to find your counterpart?

And also,

Can you have more than one soulmate?

So now I just doubled my,

Exactly.

Three questions.

Where do we start?

Because you didn't seem so impressed with the first one.

Every question that our listeners send is a really good question.

I might have written this one though.

Oh really?

Okay.

Because I wanted to hear your answer.

So of course it has to be a foundation of love.

It has to be a foundation of support as we spoke about before.

Of everything we spoke about before,

Maybe the most important element to a soulmate relationship would be the challenging part.

Meaning that we support each other in easy ways and difficult ways to grow,

To change.

I think that,

Again,

Putting aside all the foundational,

There must be love,

There must be support.

Do I feel that my partner is really enabling me,

Inspiring me,

Challenging me to grow into change?

And because we know that unless we are growing and changing,

Our level of fulfillment and really our fulfillment of our purpose in this life will not be met.

So going back to the fallacy that some people have,

Which is,

You know,

The relationship should be something that you feel great about all the time.

That's not really the reason for relationship.

That's maybe a side benefit of an important benefit of it.

But the real,

I believe very strongly,

The real reason we're together is not simply because we love each other and not simply because we support each other,

But because we challenge each other.

Because we both desire for ourselves and for those that we love that we are growing all the time,

That we are manifesting our potential all the time.

And I think that is probably the core understanding or question about whether you are or are not in a soulmate relationship.

Because the soulmate relationship means that my soul is through this relationship being challenged and being pushed to become the greatest version of itself,

The greatest manifestation of its potential.

And though,

So soulmate is technically,

Kabbalistically,

Two halves of one soul.

Let's just go into that a little bit.

So the Zohar says that every soul before it comes out into this world is divided into two halves,

Two parts.

And if they saw merit in the Zohar's words,

They meet up again.

Now and become one unified soul,

Right?

The process is the kabbalistic purpose of the marriage process is not a document from the government,

But rather a reunification of two halves into one soul.

Now one soul does not mean a mirror of each other.

As a matter of fact,

The Torah,

The Bible refers,

As we've mentioned in previous podcasts,

The idea of being the opposite.

So what does that mean?

If you have anything,

Any creation,

Any building,

Any structure,

Even though it is one unified structure,

There are different parts to it.

As a matter of fact,

You will almost always have two opposite parts that make it a structure,

That make it able to withstand,

To remain.

So the fact that- Like two opposite materials.

Two different materials.

So being one soul- That binding together creates something stronger.

Exactly.

So it's almost like if you take,

Thinking in this world,

They use the example,

And it's a simple example of water in a pot,

Right?

If you want to drink water,

Hot water,

If you want to make tea,

Right?

You need water,

But that's not enough.

You can't just heat it up over a fire.

You need a pot to hold the water.

Then you can take the pot and put it on the fire,

And then it's warm and you can make soup,

You can make tea,

Whatever you want to make.

So you need two elements here.

You need the pot,

You need the water.

These are not one,

But they come together for one task.

And that's the understanding of a soulmate.

I like that.

They come together for one task.

Exactly.

So we are different people.

We have different.

.

.

Even though we are part of the same soul,

We are different.

But these differences often,

If they come together properly,

We'll be able to accomplish the task,

Both collective that you and I,

Or the soulmates,

Have together,

And the task that we are meant to achieve separately.

Because it's almost never the case that the two halves of one soul are going to be the same one,

Right?

Because otherwise it would be just a repeat of the one half.

When it says two halves,

It means often not contradictory,

But different parts of one soul.

But when they come together,

They are able to reveal the greatest benefit,

Light,

Manifestation,

Potential of their part.

So that's,

Again,

So back to the foundational understanding of what does a soulmate mean.

It's some.

.

.

Yes,

It is the other half of my soul,

But not a copy of my soul,

Not a mirror image of my half of soul,

But rather the different elements of the soul that you have your part of that soul and what it needs to reveal.

I have my part of that soul,

What it needs to reveal.

As we come together,

Hopefully,

If we do the work and we challenge each other and we inspire each other and we love each other,

Then you'll reveal your potential of the half of the soul.

I'll reveal my potential and together.

.

.

It creates a whole picture.

It creates a whole.

.

.

Yeah.

The interesting thing is I think that's one of the most misunderstood concepts.

And also,

I love this,

I've quoted the movie before Inside Out,

The animated film,

But it's kind of like you need the element of happiness.

You need sadness.

So it's joy,

Sadness,

Envy,

Anger,

And Joy keeps wanting to get rid of sadness because she seems to mess everything up.

She just wants to see this child as a happy whole child.

And through the movie,

She realizes that,

Of course,

You need sadness.

So in that way,

Sadness,

Joy,

Opposite.

But you need both actually to create a whole emotional experience.

Absolutely.

And for instance,

The ancient sages used the example of writing.

When you write,

You have to have white paper or white parchment,

As in the old days,

And black ink.

So it's the combination of the light and darkness.

If you wrote with a white pen on a white piece of paper,

You'd have nothing.

If you wrote with black pen on a black piece of paper,

You'd have nothing.

You actually need the opposite,

The contrast of black and white in order to create books,

Wisdom revealed in writing.

And that really is in the understanding of soulmates,

Exactly.

It's that the coming together of different,

Sometimes opposite parts of one soul is what creates the greatest revelation.

So not to say that if you found somebody,

I think,

But I know talking about our relationship,

For example,

The fact that we are very different people in many different ways is what allows us to both inspire each other,

Challenge each other.

If we were the same person.

.

.

I'd be really bored.

Yeah,

I don't know if I'd be bored,

But I don't think I'd be revealing what I need to be revealing.

We'd be really comfortable.

That's the truth.

That's probably the scariest relationships that we see.

Again,

There's many different levels of scary.

There's those that hate each other and fight all the time.

But some of the scariest is when it just seems like,

You know,

I think I quoted this before one of my more favorite old SNL skits is that there's a skit called lowered expectations.

Two people who sort of,

You know,

They had their A,

They were looking for the A version of their spouse.

They realized that's not going to happen.

Oh,

Because it's going to B and C.

But the idea is that when you see two people,

They're like,

You know,

Sort of settling and they might not even see it like that,

But like,

Okay,

This is life and we're not going to get divorced and we're not going to fight.

You know,

You do your thing.

I do my thing.

We're all good.

Yeah.

You need,

That's not black and white coming together to create wisdom.

That's not the two opposite parts of one soul becoming unified and revealing something even greater.

So then would you say that finding your soulmate or having a soulmate relationship isn't so much,

I mean,

Okay,

I want to talk about the part because you said you need to merit that relationship and I want us to unpack that,

But also can't everybody create a soulmate relationship because it seems like it's really a consciousness to have.

Right.

So I would say,

I would say two things.

It's easier to find your soulmate than most of us believe.

Easier.

Oh,

People think it's like a needle in the haystack.

But it's much more difficult to create a soulmate relationship even with your soulmate than most people believe.

True.

So I think understanding those two things.

But you said you have to merit it and it does come.

So let's talk about that first because meriting something sounds actually not easy work,

But very difficult.

But I'd like to quote an amazing relationship book,

Rethink Love,

That says that there actually has to be a lot of internal work ahead of finding your soulmate and getting into a relationship.

Do you see how sharing I am?

I gave you that question.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

You gave it to me so I can plug your book.

Well,

I didn't know that you were going to go with it.

I was like,

I've said this before.

That's your turn.

Right.

That if you want to really find your soulmate,

We strongly recommend doing a lot of internal work.

Spiritual work.

Right.

We talked about,

I certainly did that before we found each other or we recognize each other because we had known each other,

But we didn't recognize each other.

And it also relates to a lot of the things we spoke about until now,

Which is that unless you really know yourself,

You're not looking for the right for the right soul to match.

But that being said,

Especially to the hopefully those who are listening to our podcast,

Whether they're in relationship or getting into relationship or deciding to get into a relationship,

There is divine assistance in finding your soulmate,

Especially if you're doing your own internal work of transformation.

But that part,

Although not easy,

Is the easier part from building a soulmate relationship because you can be,

And we've seen this,

People who we believe are with their soulmates and they just fight,

But they are not going to do the work to create the soulmate relationship from a soulmate.

So I think most people are like,

So you speak about this as well.

Oh,

I need to find,

I need to find my soul.

I need to find myself.

That is probably the most difficult thing I'm gonna do in my life.

One of the more difficult things one will do in their lives,

Hopefully,

Is create the soulmate relationship with the person that were divinely directed towards them.

So yes,

It's true that in order to merit your soulmate,

I strongly recommend,

We strongly recommend,

The ancient sages strongly recommend doing your internal work of understanding yourself,

Of growing,

Of changing,

Of developing,

Of knowing yourself,

But also to know that it's not,

You know,

You think there's seven or eight billion people in the world,

How am I going to find one,

Right?

There's divine assistance.

That's the good,

The good news is there's divine assistance,

Especially if you're doing the work.

The bad news is,

Is that that does not end the journey.

You can be with your soulmate,

With the other half of your soul and be completely miserable,

Right?

People think,

Would like to think,

Well,

Once I find my soulmate,

You know,

We,

Yeah,

We'll do some work,

We'll push each other,

But it's going to be amazing bliss.

No,

It is very likely,

Very possible for two souls to find the other half of their soul and over time be miserable with each other.

Especially,

I think at the beginning,

Right?

Unless you lean into and you surrender to the reason that you're supposed to come together,

Because if you really want a relationship,

Expect that it will be challenging.

You will both need to change.

Desire that it will be challenging.

And I think that what shocks people is like,

Wait a second,

This is just way too uncomfortable and I'm just going to exit and find somebody else.

So to,

To understand that divorce or a relationship breaking up does not mean that it wasn't your soulmate necessarily,

But it could often mean that they,

You,

The two of you,

You individually did not do the work to develop that soul,

Two halves of one soul that now become unified into a soulmate relationship.

That is the harder part.

That is the harder part.

And I think again,

It's so,

So I think people often have it completely the opposite.

The most difficult part is how in the world am I going to find that my,

The other half of my soul out of the 8 billion people in the world,

That actually have a lot of divine assistance too.

And again,

If you're doing the spiritual work,

You'll find them.

The real challenge,

The real challenge is even once you are with your soulmate,

How do you make sure that it thrives,

That it grows,

That you don't wind up being miserable with your soulmate.

And do you think a person can have more than one soulmate?

Yes.

The Zora specifically speaks about that where,

Where we know because it's a little bit of a misnomer to talk about even you and I as one soul.

In reality,

We are all sparks of actually one soul,

All humanity from the beginning of time till the end of time are really part of one unified soul.

We are sparks of that great soul,

Billions and billions of sparks.

So when we talk about,

For instance,

You and I being soulmates,

The spark of that great soul that is you and I is what we're talking about.

So it's,

It's our spark.

Your half of that spark,

My half of the spark that came together,

That is part of the,

Of the greater soul.

So then the question is,

What does it mean?

Can you have two different soulmates?

This biblical story of Jacob who had two wives and the Zora specifically says that oftentimes a person's soulmate because souls can grow or wane.

So when a soul is at a certain level,

This is the other half of that soul.

But when you go to another level,

Now the other half has,

Is it can be a different person or that same person with a higher spark,

Right?

So it could be where you are right now.

And let's say for the next,

You know,

10 levels of your growth,

This is the other half of that soul.

But if you,

It's possible to outgrow,

If for instance,

The individual grows to their next level and their partner doesn't,

Well that missing piece or that other part of the soul that they have now grown into could be somebody else.

And that's why kabbalistically divorce is not viewed necessarily as a negative thing.

It's actually considered a very positive action in the right situation because there are times when a soul has outgrown,

There are times when two people marry the wrong soulmates for sure.

Right?

So that's one reason why divorce is sometimes a necessary and positive action.

But even if a person where they were when they got married or where they began the relationship,

But then they grow significantly and their partner does not,

Then that space of their new growth deserves or has another half of a soul that is in alignment with their new growth.

And if the person that they are with has not grown to that or not even capable to grow to that,

Then it is actually recommended that they divorce and find their next soulmate.

Now,

This is very complicated.

It is.

You have to be careful,

Of course.

I would hope for many of our listeners that you find your soulmate the first time,

Grow together and develop the soulmate relationship.

But as a understanding,

Yes,

It is possible to outgrow somebody who was your soulmate.

It is possible to grow to a place where now there's a new soul.

But I'm very reticent to sort of talk about that too much because I really think that the people often exit too soon.

I think people almost always exit too soon for finishing and often can use either spiritual growth as a reason.

Oh,

I grew.

They didn't.

That's why I have to get out of this relationship.

Very,

Very tricky.

So this is really elevate.

You have to do all of the things we said before even getting to this place,

Because more likely,

Right?

Because more than 60% of people get divorced,

That's not because more than 60% of the population have grown outgrown there or that they didn't find their soulmate.

It's just that,

As we spoke earlier,

They did not consistently do the work of which we're talking about.

So I think it's really important to know that,

Right?

That,

Yes,

What is the percentage?

I would put it in the five,

10 percentile of people who actually outgrow their first soulmate and are ready for the next.

The rest of the people getting divorced,

The rest of the people's relationships aren't working out is often ties because they're not doing the work.

And like you said,

It's very important to know too often people exit a relationship too soon.

Not having learned because this is the other part.

Even if I didn't marry a person,

Did not marry their soulmate or outgrew their soulmate,

Unless you learn all the lessons,

No coincidences,

Even the wrong person,

The person married was necessary.

Even the wrong person was meant to help them grow.

And if you're not growing from that and you're not developing from that and changing from that,

Then you're not going to be ready for your real soulmate or for your next soulmate just simply by exiting too soon.

In fact,

You're going to have to repeat that same scenario even with a different person before you can get into the next level where you need to be.

So I have some rapid fire questions for you.

Oh,

Really?

Okay,

Let's do them quickly then.

Okay.

The first one is,

When did you know you were in love with me?

Good question.

Well,

There's many levels of love,

Right?

I think as we tell the story,

But it was a process.

And I don't think I can point to one day or one moment,

Say,

Because I think I loved you throughout the process.

It was just hopefully an escalating level.

Hopefully was it or wasn't it?

It was.

There might have been moments of plateau and then growth.

I'm just trying to be as honest as possible.

So as we've shared,

We dated for just over probably nine months before deciding to get married.

And I think,

And I want to add this as well.

I think I always appreciated you,

Which I think is really important because really having respect,

Appreciation for somebody,

I think is a good thing to proceed love because love becomes very personal.

What is my feelings towards you?

What is hopefully your feelings towards me?

But I can respect you and appreciate you regardless of what that emotional love is or is not awakened.

So I think that's important.

Even before that,

For many years,

I knew you and had a great both appreciation and respect.

But then yes,

As we began dating,

And this does not diminish,

I think,

Love,

But also you're a lot of fun.

So I think that was a part of it because you can't just point to one thing.

But I think from the moment we started dating,

Yes,

Certainly there was love and certainly there has been love that continued to grow from that moment onward.

So I knew that I loved you from the first moment.

I knew that I respected you from before that.

And my love continues to grow.

And I hope that I am blessed for the creator to give me that ability and the merit for that love to continue to grow.

Thanks,

Faye.

Welcome.

I think we just took that wasn't so much a podcast as a personal conversation we just had.

This is a good one.

Okay.

When are we our best as a couple?

When are we our best?

That's again,

I can't answer that with one answer.

I can say we are our best when we challenge each other.

We're also at our best when we support each other.

We're also at our best when we're having fun with each other.

So I think any one of those three are great times.

Challenge to grow,

Support to manifest,

To do and have fun together.

When are we at our worst?

So you're not going to tell me that you agree to disagree with any of my answers.

No,

I agree.

The first one,

I had the same answer for the first question.

I appreciated you and respected you.

We're only a year apart and I just had never met anybody.

Which shocks people.

I think I'm about 15 years older.

I never met anybody.

Just yesterday.

I had never met anybody at your age,

At our age,

Who had achieved what you had achieved in terms of translating the zor from Aramaic to Hebrew to English at 21.

But you were so disciplined in a way I hadn't seen.

And so I think we recognized each other before we loved each other for sure.

And then when we loved each other,

It was just like we recognized it as love.

It was that kind of like immediate.

When are we at our best as a couple?

I think when we were recording the podcast.

No,

I think when we just have the time to be,

Which is together and to.

.

.

Right,

Right.

So I didn't mention that,

Right?

Because I think we're always.

.

.

I think all the things you mentioned is sprinkled throughout our whole relationship.

But I think when we really have just the time to like.

.

.

Which doesn't happen often enough.

That's why maybe the podcast is probably our best.

Just to be with each other,

Yeah.

And our worst,

I can say when I'm stressed.

Then I'm at my worst too?

No,

Then it's harder for you to be,

Yeah,

I think so.

At our worst.

I don't know that we have any worst never.

Aw,

So sweet.

This is so fun.

Okay,

I'll ask you one more question.

These three are really good.

Okay,

Fine.

Let me just think for a second.

Choose one.

Choose one.

Okay,

So I'll choose this one.

And you're probably not going to understand it,

But what's the first piece of baggage you dropped after marrying me?

That's a thought provoker.

First piece of baggage.

That's a good question.

I have to think about it.

You answered it first.

Yeah,

I know mine right away.

I think it was the victimhood mentality.

Like oh,

You know,

Woe is me.

I mean,

I grew up with that kind of narrative and that voice in my head.

And I think that was like one of the first things you'd be like,

You just call me out on it.

You'd call me by my maiden name.

You'd have to tell all the bad stuff.

I actually thought that was funny.

It wasn't that because you know what it did?

It would kind of just like stop me and make me just think about like,

Okay,

Where am I now?

Where did I come from?

Right.

And just by you doing that,

I don't think you understood why that was powerful because it didn't come from a mean place.

It was like in a joking kind of way you would do it,

But it really wasn't a joke.

And we both knew that it would make me just stop and say,

Okay,

What are you choosing now?

Do you want to go back to where you came from?

And do you want to create a different reality?

So yeah,

I thought that was really powerful.

So for me,

It's interesting.

I don't know if I could say the first thing.

I think it was the ding dongs and the Twinkies.

Ding dongs is not a thing.

It is a thing.

No,

No,

No.

Yes,

It's by a hostess.

Are they?

I never eat ding dongs.

Devil dogs.

Whatever.

I still crave them.

Luckily as I.

.

.

I mean,

I'm a little bit of resentment that you're not supportive.

Yeah.

Anyway,

So I don't know if I would say the first baggage,

Right?

But I think one of the important changes,

And it's interesting because we were talking to somebody last night about this as well,

Really,

And this I think maybe one of the greater gifts of being in a soulmate relationship is that it helps you care less or hopefully not at all about what's happening outside of the two of you.

Because in life,

There are always going to be challenges and storms.

Life quakes good and sometimes not so obviously good.

And knowing that I have one person who is absolutely there with me no matter what makes you care hopefully not at all for anything that's happening outside,

What people are thinking,

Doing,

Saying.

So I think maybe that's.

.

.

All the nonsensical things that happen outside.

Yeah,

Right.

Right.

But the things that we often get caught up in,

Right?

What are people thinking about me?

What are the people trying to do to me?

Negative things and so on.

But when you're in a soulmate relationship,

You feel so supported that,

You know,

That kinds of you and me against the world,

Right?

And that I think is one of the greatest gifts,

One of the great gifts that being with in our relationship has given me really the.

.

.

Which is again something we all have to be working on,

Right?

Regardless of whether we're in a relationship or not to diminish the amount that we care about what others think about us because again like we spoke about last night,

Too often people,

Most people I think,

Make so many life decisions based on what their parents want,

What their spouse wants,

What their community wants,

Whatever.

And one of the most important places of growth for me and certainly as a manifestation of our relationship is really having that strength,

That support to,

You know,

Care less what others are saying,

Thinking,

Doing because we have each other.

Yeah.

So,

Thank you,

Monica.

Do you want to read us a letter?

No,

Actually not because.

.

.

Please read that.

You have to read the letter.

Next week.

We'll read it next week.

Okay.

So,

We got to so many of your questions,

Which again should be a reminder to all of our listeners to please continue to send in your questions,

Comments,

Stories,

Which we will get to next episode to read maybe one or two of them.

But regardless of whether we share them with you,

They inspire us and I am sure when we read them,

They will inspire all of our listeners.

So make sure all of our listeners keep sending in questions,

Comments,

Stories,

Inspirations,

So that we can answer them and share them with all of our listeners.

As always,

We record this podcast in order to inspire more and more people.

If you have the opportunity,

Go to Apple Podcasts,

Give five star reviews,

Write a review everywhere you get your podcasts,

Share it with your friends and family because we know when you share light and wisdom with other people,

You receive of that as well.

So if you get some light and wisdom and inspiration from this podcast shared with other people,

You'll receive even more light wisdom and inspiration from it.

And as always,

I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording.

Bye.

Transcribed by https://otter.

Ai