20. Chasing Change

In this episode of Spiritually Hungry, Monica and Michael delve into the unique power of change to help us reach our potential in life. Whether it’s thrust upon us or we plan for it, change will come – it’s up to us to see it as a tool for transformation and pursue it on a daily basis. Listen to find out how to create true positive change in your life and how doing so brings lasting fulfillment.

Transcript

Embracing change is the understanding that life is filled with nothing but changes and often,

Very often,

They're very positive changes.

I think often when we pursue change as soon as something doesn't go as we planned or it looks like it's going the wrong direction,

We give up.

But we are not perfect and our pursuit for change is going to be imperfect as well.

So it's super important to be able to mess up and to recognize its value actually.

There's really only two paradigms within which we can live,

Right?

Change or settling.

You can see how from one step in the right direction,

One step into change,

If you're curious and you're watching for all the signs,

You're going to see all these other things that come together from it.

Welcome to Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 20.

Yay.

Why that feels like a bigger deal than 19,

I'm not sure.

So we are going to talk about one of my favorite topics today and that is change.

And our goal,

Or at least my goal,

I'm not sure I can't speak for you,

But my goal is that at the end of hearing this podcast,

You will not waste your life and jump on the Change Express immediate and urgent need for change.

No matter the goal,

The dream,

Or the healing that we have a need for,

Right?

Because everybody has desires and wish lists.

The path to get there might require many things,

But there's only one thing for certain that it does require and that is change.

The need for change,

The desire for change,

And most importantly,

The seeking and running after change.

And I like talking about this a lot,

So I've given it much thought.

In fact,

My next book is called Change Junkie.

And this word is one that I think strikes fear in most of us when we hear it.

It's something we crave,

Something we desire.

We usually seek it externally,

Whether we say I'm going to move to a different state or I'm going to change my neighborhood or maybe I'll dye my hair purple,

Which I did once.

And that kind of change is just going to be a band-aid of sorts because real change requires continuous effort,

Thought,

And really being able to see every challenge as an opportunity for growth and transformation.

But the thing is that when we think about change,

Our first relationship with change,

It's usually connected to some kind of painful memory or something that was forced upon us or thrust upon us that we didn't actually desire.

So when we think of change that way,

Of course,

It actually does sound quite undesirable.

Right.

And I think that's an important point because you said when people think about change,

It scares them because we often just attach that word to what happens to us that we don't want,

Right?

To a negative experience.

But reality is we all change,

Right?

We all of us and most of us at one point wore diapers and most of us are no longer wearing diapers.

Some might again.

Some might again.

You never know.

But we like that change,

Right?

So we don't necessarily attach that and some of us never went to school and then suddenly we were in kindergarten or wherever that was.

So- We never went to school and suddenly we were in kindergarten?

Yes.

When you were one years old.

I don't think.

.

.

Were you in school at one year old?

I wasn't in school yet.

I know.

Because of the child prodigy,

You made it into pre-K early.

But that's the point.

The point is,

And this is something that I think it's really important to know,

Right?

This isn't a spiritual belief.

This isn't even a belief,

Right?

The reality is that we're all changing all the time.

In every moment of every day.

And very often it's very positive change.

I'm happy I'm not wearing diapers.

I'm happy I went to first grade.

I'm happy that I moved from my old where I grew up and so on and so forth.

I think for whatever reason,

I think our mind,

And this is another quirk probably of the human mind,

When you think about change and many people will say,

Oh my God,

I remember that time that I got fired,

Right?

Or the time my parents got divorced and I was forced to live into different homes.

And I think part of embracing change is the understanding that life is filled with nothing but changes and often,

Very often,

They're very positive changes.

That's the thing.

We often credit our worst memories with change,

But we tend not to realize that our greatest memories actually were also because of change.

Change was along for that ride as well.

Right,

Right.

And I think if you look throughout your lives,

All of us have had amazing,

Positive,

Happy changes,

Right?

None of us will say like,

I remember the time five years ago that nothing happened,

Right?

No,

It's,

I remember five years ago when we had an amazing dinner or we had,

I got my next promotion,

Right?

I think the things that we look back at life and are excited about are change.

They're positive change,

Often change that we pursued,

But that's the one real constant in life.

And I think the message though is,

So first is change is a constant and the beauty here though is you get to decide and direct which way the change is going to happen.

Are you going to grow and move forward or are you going to go backwards?

There's a lot of people change in the wrong kind of direction.

How it's going to happen and maybe even more importantly,

How you're going to react to it.

Exactly.

And then even change that is thrust upon you,

Then you still have a choice in that.

You get to choose your response to it.

And if you view change that way and you embrace it that way,

It's quite liberating and freeing.

It is actually the most freeing thing you can do.

And that's how I became a change junkie because you remember,

I mean,

When we,

Maybe you don't because you don't remember details like this,

But when we first got married,

I'm a Virgo and you know,

I didn't know that that much,

You knew,

But,

And he married me in spite of it.

But I remember that.

I mean,

I knew once we were married,

My life style would change in many ways.

My life would change in many ways,

But the idea that we would travel so frequently,

Like at a moment's notice,

Right?

Like next week we're going to go here and two days we're going to go there.

We're going to go to Israel like in,

In,

You know,

A day or whatever.

And leaving a suitcase kind of at the front door at all times was really uncomfortable for me at that time at the beginning,

I was like,

Look,

You know,

Sure,

But let's plan it or let's have some time to prepare even mentally.

And I wasn't happy in that state of being.

Wasn't happy living in such a rigid,

Controlled kind of way.

It's funny.

I mean,

We were,

We were laughing about this the other day,

Right?

There are people we know who have to,

I mean,

Used to be probably to somebody and still are to some extent in positive ways,

Right?

People have to have the complete hourly plan.

Okay.

Today at nine o'clock I'm doing this and eight o'clock I'm doing this and at 12 o'clock I'm doing this.

At 1 p.

M.

I feed with the kids,

You know,

And so on and so forth because we think that we can control everything that happens and there are people who really,

For me personally,

Was never important to me for everything to be organized and on time.

But the reality is,

And I embrace that,

But the,

Because the problem is that when we think that we control or even can control or that,

I would say go further,

That we should control every part of our lives,

Then change becomes scary,

Change becomes uncomfortable.

And then you risk everything just to protect what it is that you've cultivated and collected throughout your life.

And I don't honestly think that leaves a lot of room for joy or curiosity or surprise.

And one of the things that winds up happening is that you're often fighting reality,

Which you'll never win against.

It's exhausting.

And that's the thing,

That's what I was doing,

Exactly.

And I,

You know,

In some days I'd win and other days when I wouldn't,

Oh,

Those were really difficult,

Unhappy days.

And even when you did win,

Probably not days filled with as much joy as you should and can't have.

Right.

And so then I started to change my approach to life.

And of course I think that having Josh really made me go all the way with this.

I mean,

There were hints of it in my life for sure,

Because being a very type A person and very controlling and being very miserable with that aspect of my life and that part of who I was.

And you know,

And again,

That could still,

You can change it if you're not so attached to it and it could still be a positive,

Right?

Like I still do love a daily planner.

I love a pencil with an eraser.

I do have my workouts,

You know,

Scheduled every day.

Even though most of us are on our iCalendars,

You're still using your own planner.

I get a real satisfaction in writing.

At some point you're going to stop making that mistake.

No,

Then I will make one myself.

I like writing what I've done.

Actually there's something that happens psychologically where you get that reward feeling.

Like I forgot what it's called,

But you actually,

Something happens inside of you.

You feel like you really accomplished something.

It works.

Yeah.

I remember the one time that I haven't been able to do this since when I got my inbox down to zero or close to zero.

It wasn't really zero.

Yeah.

I've done that once in my life.

I'm a little bit close.

I heard that there's actually a message that comes up on your emails when you get your inbox down to zero.

I've never seen it.

I don't think I'm ever going to see that.

Life goals.

But anyway,

So my point is that there are things that in a healthy way,

That structure works for me.

But by the way,

If something came up in the morning and I had to move my workout to the evening and I would roll with it,

Right?

Then you just start to approach life with the flexibility,

With an openness that makes you not fight the universe,

But you're actually one with it in every single situation,

Whether it was planned,

Forced,

Welcomed or not.

It becomes this thing that kind of just propels you forward for growth and happiness.

So we are going to talk about a lot of different tips and tools.

There's two questions that I get asked a lot regarding change that I'll share a little bit later.

But there is a very apt saying that says,

Change occurs when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing.

And I just want to break that down a little bit.

But by the way,

That's not always the case,

Right?

I think one of the messages that I'd like our listeners to receive is that because life is about change,

That really what you want to become is something like you said,

A change junkie,

However each person wants to call it for themselves.

Junkie,

Junkie.

That you become somebody who is pursuing embracing change,

Right?

Yes,

But I want to go back to where probably most of our listeners are,

Like,

Of course,

This wouldn't be a new idea to you,

Even if you don't call yourself a change junkie because you have chosen this kind of life,

Right?

That is about transformation and growth.

And so you are really open to the curve balls and where life takes you and you see the gift in those.

But think about for a lot of people and even if we,

Different people come to us for advice,

Even family members,

Et cetera,

Who feel very stuck,

Right?

And they are craving change and they just don't know how to start or where to get out of it.

Or they might not have enough willpower or impetus to change.

I think those are the cases,

Those are the saddest cases,

Right?

But that's a lot of the conversations I have very often,

Right?

So I always like to take it to,

I guess,

To where every stage,

Wherever it could be because there's no shame in that.

You just start somewhere.

So even if you find yourself like,

I've never seen people around me change,

The role models that I had in my life were very stuck.

You have one job for the rest of your life,

It's better than not having a job at all.

Just kind of settle.

You're in a relationship,

It's not great,

But at least you're not alone.

These kinds of belief systems that a lot of people walk around with.

Interesting you said that because I think that's really,

There's really only two paradigms within which we can live,

Right?

Change or settling.

Yes.

Because you will not achieve really the things that will make you the happiest or the situations and places that will make you the happiest if you're settling and not changing.

So really- Yes.

I think some people might have the perception,

Well,

I can change or just stay the same and great,

Right?

Those are an option.

The only two options are change.

In a positive way,

Hopefully most of our changes can be proactive and not reactive and things that we can embrace because we choose them.

But the other option is not staying the same and great,

But rather settling.

Absolutely.

Because by the way,

If you,

Let's say you're in a relationship and you just can tolerate it right now,

It's just bearable,

Right?

I can promise you in 15,

20 years,

It will be unbearable.

And that's why sometimes we see people get divorced in their 70s or 80s and you're like,

Well,

Why?

There's that joke,

Right?

It's not a joke.

It's a true story,

Which one of my favorite stories.

I think I might've told one of the previous podcasts,

But it's certainly worth repeating.

We have a friend who's since passed,

But he was telling us a story that his parents,

They were unhappily married for many,

Many years.

They're hanging in their 70s or so.

80s,

Even.

It was like some shocking- Yeah,

50 or 60 years of marriage,

They got divorced and he asked his dad,

Why are you getting divorced?

He says,

I just couldn't take it anymore.

His level of unhappiness was okay for 59 years and 364 days.

But then when it came to year 60,

That was enough for him.

Exactly.

Because he was probably to some extent settling for 60 years.

And then when you do that,

You always sacrifice more than you thought you would because what are you sacrificing?

Opportunity.

Again,

Like I said,

Just the ability to wake up and see the world in a different way into everything that happens to you is a beautiful thing,

Right?

It's an energy that's constantly flowing,

Constantly moving.

And when you stop that process from happening by settling or just accepting less than,

You actually,

I think,

Stop and hinder your growth.

I think that as humans,

We tend to think that a lot of growth happens from birth until let's say you're a young adult,

Maybe probably mid 20s,

30s.

Until you're married probably.

Yeah.

So whatever that time is.

You're married,

Have your career.

Right.

And then that's it.

But actually,

If you think about it,

We are meant to grow and change and develop in every area of our lives until we die,

Right?

But we stop it unless you consciously challenge yourself and really think about what we're saying today.

You stop it usually around age 30,

35.

Or at least you think you're going to stop again,

As we said,

Because changes are going to start happening.

You're not going to be happy about them.

You'll be unfortunately,

A person has the possibility of living life being unhappy with all the changes that are being thrust upon them in their 40s,

50s,

60s,

And so on.

And very often,

Then people are like,

I don't know what happened.

How did I get here?

How did I get here?

And they didn't even know because they weren't really paying attention to those changes that are happening automatically every day.

And therefore,

I think the first message really is the fact that first change is happening.

You don't have a choice.

You can delude yourself and think- Yeah,

You can pretend.

I can coast from after I've changed enough,

I found my career,

I found my family,

And so on.

No,

Change is happening.

And one of the things that I often like to,

When the Kabbalists speak about the necessity of change,

There's two things that often I share is that the word in Hebrew for spirituality is wuḥaniyot,

Or it relates to the spirit or the wind.

And that really is life.

If you look in nature,

There is nothing in nature that remains inanimate.

It remains the same.

Trees grow,

Leaves fall off.

Everything in our,

In the natural world as well,

Is always changing.

And certainly in the spiritual world.

And that's where that word of spirit or wind is used because that's what we're meant to be.

We're meant to be an ever evolving being.

And that includes change and growth.

It's so funny you say that because when I was thinking about what I want to talk about today,

I was looking out the window,

This is yesterday,

And it was really windy.

And this tree right outside the window was blowing and the leaves were different colors and the leaves were falling.

And I felt so overwhelmed by nature.

And I thought about it that why does nature move us?

Like if we look outside and when we're in nature,

Suddenly we feel a little bit more spiritual and more connected to something higher.

And I realized it's because if you were just to stare out,

If you were in nature,

You would see so many changes within that day.

The sun hitting the mountain,

Then moving,

Then the moon coming,

The animals that come and go.

Just the constant change,

Constant change every single second of the day.

And of course you're going to feel more connected to something greater.

And it was really inspiring.

So as I was thinking,

I was like,

Well,

That makes so much sense of why people enjoy this or why I do because it's reminding me first that I need to be moving in that way,

Right?

And that I'm really small in the vastness of the world.

It's one of my favorite songs,

Right?

Cat Stevens,

The wind,

Right?

The wind of my soul.

You want me to say I'm not going to?

Sure,

Sure.

Go ahead.

Yeah,

No.

Come on.

Almost,

Maybe another time.

Okay.

And that's the point.

The point is we look at nature.

That's the way I'm supposed to be learning for us.

That's the way I'm supposed to be living my life.

That's the first.

And the second is that we can get to a place where we enjoy change,

Right?

I think that's the point.

If you keep,

If a person does not,

There's a book out and I know we've both really enjoyed it and I do recommend it.

And I think I mentioned one of the previous podcasts,

But by Bruce Feiler.

Yes.

It's really an amazing book.

And he speaks about,

He actually,

In the story,

I think about 235 people.

He interviewed over a number of years who've gone through life changes.

Yes,

He did amazing research at different stages of their life.

Right.

And the idea is that he came and there's now it's scientifically proven,

Something maybe we did or did not think about previously.

In his research,

He found that there's two types of changes.

One are smaller changes.

You know,

A person gets,

They could be proactive or reactive.

A person gets a new job,

Gets fired from a job,

Moves to a new apartment,

Moves to a new house,

Loses things like that.

And then there are what he calls,

He says that every person in his research between every 12 to 18 months,

There's something relatively significant that changes in each person's life,

Which is an amazing understanding.

Right.

So I can tell all of our listeners and anybody who previously said,

No,

I can live without change.

I can coast for the next,

You know,

One year,

Five years,

20 years,

Not possible.

Every research,

His research showed that every 12 to 18 months,

He calls them,

You know,

These disturbed,

They can call it,

You call them disturbances that occurred in our lives.

Again,

Not huge,

What he calls life quakes,

But separate from that.

So change,

Significant change is going to happen to every one of our listeners every 12 to 18 months.

Just are you paying attention to it?

I think most people- Are you paying,

And how are you experiencing it?

If they're not even aware of it,

Right,

They're not experiencing it.

They're kind of just ignoring it.

And that's why after seven years,

They're like,

How did I get here?

That's one way people are living with change.

Other people are more aware,

Right?

So there's levels.

And I think right now is a good time just to everybody to check themselves.

Do you notice these occurrences that happen every 12 to 18 months?

Right.

Or do you wait till they kind of become life quakes?

Right.

And then he says every person,

Every person goes through three to five life quakes in their lifetime.

And life quakes again could be,

You know,

Cause of a loved one,

A divorce.

I would say it's higher.

That's surprising.

That's what he found.

Like the huge ones.

The huge ones.

I've already had,

Let me think,

Four.

Four,

I'd say.

By the way,

I'm sure some people- I'll run out of the numbers early.

Some people I'm sure go through them and because they are either in denial or fighting reality,

You know,

Certainly not embracing and finding how they can grow and change from it.

They might not even,

But I think it's,

By the way,

It's an important,

Why don't we ask each of our listeners right now.

Think about the last 12 to 18 months.

Can you identify- What was a disturbance?

Right.

Again,

It could be something positive,

Which you got a promotion or,

You know,

It could be something that occurred to you that you didn't necessarily desire.

And what have been,

Have you experienced a life quake?

Right.

And the reality is again- And what were your responses to both of those?

Most importantly.

Most importantly.

And again,

So I do recommend,

By the way,

I do recommend Life Isn't in the Transitions is the name of the book.

And it's based on,

I think it's William Joyce quote.

But I'd like to give a little bit of the spiritual background into why change is so important.

For me,

This is maybe the most important spiritual understanding around change.

There's a section in the Talmud that says every baby before he or she is born is taught all the wisdom that they will need for the rest of their lives.

Deep wisdom,

Complete wisdom.

And then as we enter into this world,

It says that we are hit on the top of our lip and we forget all the wisdom that we received.

And then the purpose of life is to regain that wisdom,

To regain that knowledge and live life with understanding,

Mindfulness,

And wisdom.

And the question that they ask,

The Kabbalists ask is,

Well,

If you're going to forget it all anyway,

What was the purpose of teaching,

Of gaining all that wisdom?

And the answer to that is that the only way we're actually able to take back or reawaken the wisdom that we've received is if we've received it once.

So that we don't come into this world as a blank slate.

We come into this world with residue of great wisdom.

And if you look at life in that way,

Which is that I'm not- So you're saying every soul,

No matter how elevated or lacking they are,

Comes with that.

So everybody has equal opportunity to- To live their best.

To rediscover what they know.

Yeah,

All the wisdom.

Yeah,

There's not one person.

Every single one of our listeners,

Every single person in this world was- Really,

Even the lowest souls that have done powerful- The lowest souls.

Again,

I think there's certain extreme examples.

Maybe they received it or not,

But that's secondary.

But the point is that when we come into this world,

We are implanted with all the wisdom that we will ever need.

But we have to earn it.

So therefore,

When we enter into this world,

We forget it.

And life's goal is not to learn anything new.

And that's what's often in life.

And I've heard this from so many students who say,

What I learned resonated.

It felt- Familiar.

Familiar came that it came from something inside.

And that's really true.

How do you know if you're aware,

But how do you know if you've come to true wisdom or understanding if it's something that,

Oh wow,

That actually feels like it's coming from within me.

That really resonates with me as opposed to,

Oh,

If I went to learn,

I don't know what,

Jujitsu,

When I did once.

But what I'm learning is I could never tell you that that resonated within me.

It was something I was trying to enjoy learning and doing.

But so the point is that each one of us was implanted with that great wisdom.

And we come into this world and the goal is to find the ways to relearn that wisdom and live our lives based on that.

Which actually is indicative of a greater teaching,

Which I think is both beautiful,

Inspiring,

But so important to understand as it relates to change.

There's a famous business writer,

His name is Jim Collins,

And he talks about,

There's a very famous book called Good to Great.

He also wrote Good to Great for Nonprofits.

Very interesting work.

Again,

He did a lot of research.

How do companies,

Nonprofits,

How do they become not just good but great?

And there's a phrase that he uses,

And let me see,

I wrote it down here.

He says that,

Because I think sometimes when you talk about change,

The question that people ask,

I like who I am.

I'm sure you like who you are.

I really like who I am.

I'm talking about myself,

Not talking about the listeners.

Yes,

But before I chose this path.

And even now,

I like who I am certainly more than I did before,

But I'm still trying to identify aspects of myself that don't serve me and that bring me down rather than build me up.

And then at the same time,

While trying to enhance and grow the characteristics that I have that I think are good.

And I think this is the point.

So he says,

Again,

So Jim Collins says that you have to preserve the core while stimulating progress.

So let's think about that.

Maintain the core of who you are while stimulating progress or use the word change.

So this is the understanding.

I think it's really important for every one of our listeners to really internalize this concept.

Like we said about the wisdom,

When each one of us came into this world,

Our,

What we call our soul,

Our essence is pure,

Amazing,

Powerful,

And endless.

Life's journey is not about becoming something else or something new,

But rather reverting to who I actually am at my core,

At my essence,

At our soul level.

Right,

Revealing that part of yourself.

But what,

Exactly.

So I think it's about,

It's both,

It removes the heavy lifting,

Right?

Because if I needed,

If I believed that who I am meant to become in this life is something so brand new,

I have to discover all kinds of things outside of me.

No.

The purpose of life is to reveal who I've always been.

Now unfortunately,

Most of us don't ever complete that revelation,

But it's so important to understand that I am not going,

I do not need to go outside of myself and become something new.

The entire purpose of life is to reveal who I,

The amazing essence and soul that I have.

So the last thing is,

And I hope this isn't too deep or too complicated,

There's a concept that's called,

In Kabbalistic terms,

It's called the klipot or the shells.

Every fruit,

Right?

Most fruits,

Banana,

Orange,

You have to peel the shell,

The covering,

And then you can enjoy the fruit.

Most things in the natural world have a shell,

An egg,

You have to peel the egg in order to enjoy the shell before enjoying the egg and so on and so forth.

And that's how we need to view ourselves.

As I sit here now,

My essence,

My soul,

My greatness,

My power,

My wisdom,

It's all in there.

It's all in there in my soul.

Hopefully in the past 47 years,

I've been able to remove some of the shells,

Some of the layers to allow my innate,

Inborn soul to show its greatness.

And therefore the process and progress of life is not again going outside and becoming something new,

But rather allowing the removal of those shells to actually reveal who I am.

And this is the purpose of change.

It's really interesting because I think that that's why you see such different ways people live,

Right?

Because some approach life where they are trying to peel back the layers,

Crack the shell,

However you want to say it,

And others add more layers on depending on how they're living and their actions,

Whether we are busy gossiping or being.

.

.

There's a list of things we can do to create more and more shells.

I remember when I,

Because I wasn't raised in a spiritual home,

And when I really started to search for meaning and purpose and answers to life's questions that just didn't make sense to me,

When I started to go and seek change and growth for myself,

I had to go back to picture myself as a child because that was who I was,

Right?

When you're speaking,

I went back to that in my head because I remember at age seven,

Eight,

I felt very good in my skin,

Just in my soul.

I felt like I was doing actions that were kind,

That were purposeful.

I felt like I was happy.

I felt like I was connecting to all those parts of myself that I actually want to reveal more of.

Then I got distracted from ages,

Let's say 13 until 17,

And I put some coverings.

I felt unhappy and I felt lack.

Then I started to pursue change again or connecting to that part and peeling layers back.

I do think that that is spot on what you just said.

I think that all of our listeners just go back and try to envision yourself at a time where you felt that you were connected to the deepest parts of you.

I think that's a really good place to start when we're really pursuing this.

There was one other thing when you were speaking too because I've often said that I get a lot of unsolicited feedback.

Thankfully,

I don't do all of it.

I've learned to embrace it.

It's fine.

It's kind of interesting now because I love studying human behavior,

So it's just interesting for me at this point.

But I remember there was one person and he was kind of a bully for sure to me.

He went around telling people that I wanted to be so and so,

Like somebody that everybody really admired and respected.

This was the tale for many years,

Many,

Many years.

Oh,

Monica wants to be this person.

I remember one day I was just like,

No,

I don't want to be her and I don't want to be anybody else.

I really,

My whole life,

I've just wanted to be me.

I'm just trying to be me.

I think it just goes back to exactly what you're saying.

Me is that truest,

Deepest,

Purest part of myself.

Right.

I would really underscore this understanding because I think it's what creates the drive to change.

Because if you just go to somebody or even anyone who listens is listening to them and saying,

Oh,

What does it mean to change?

And more than that,

It's the focus of change.

I think that what you're saying,

It's like a perfect prescription because now you don't have to look to the left or right or the other person or try to be more like them or learn something or completely change yourself like a new identity.

Actually everything you want,

Everything you can ever be,

Everything you will be is within you.

It's just about discovering that.

Without change,

You can't peel the layers.

Correct.

That's the point.

Yes.

The point is whoever now,

And this takes a lot of deep work.

What I would recommend to our listeners is really take the time and say,

Okay,

What are the parts of me that I want to change,

That I need to change,

That I really feel are not part of my essence and pursue that change.

I think rather than just saying embrace all change or push for all change- No,

Very focused change.

Change for the purpose of removing the layers.

And hopefully most of us have a sense of who I am in truth,

What my soul is,

My true essence.

And what are the ways within which I behave?

What are the places that I am?

What are the places that I go that I know are not really- That cover it up.

Exactly.

Right?

Because all kinds of behavior that we do covers- And actively and aggressively pursue change in those areas.

Immediately.

Yes.

And it's interesting,

As in the side,

This is slightly related to this,

But we had a conversation recently about somebody who was in there,

I'll let you lean in.

Well,

I'm like- So somebody who was saying,

Oh,

I'm changing,

Right?

But in that change,

They were also creating a harm towards other people.

Often you'll meet people saying,

No,

I am going to speak my truth now.

That's great.

You're changing before you didn't speak your truth.

Now you did- Yeah,

But which parts of yourself are you speaking from?

And is it hurting somebody?

Right.

Nobody can be the casualty of anybody else's behavior.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So if you're taking people down in the pursuit of some great new change or truth that you've discovered,

There's something that's not quite balanced about it.

Then chances are you're a little bit off the mark.

And ask yourself the question,

Is that really coming from the best parts of me?

Is that really coming from my soul?

Because there's all kinds of change,

Right?

A person could be a good person,

He changed to be a terrible person.

That's not the change we're talking about.

And unfortunately,

I've seen this too.

And unfortunately,

Often in the pursuit of what they think they need to change because they're unhappy,

They actually become a worse person.

I've seen that too.

So change is going to happen.

Change is necessary to reveal truly who you are and therefore pursue change but for the purpose of removing the shells,

Like we said.

And I think we're going to say something,

Obviously,

There's one more point that I wanted to add to that.

No,

Go ahead.

That,

And this is also a very important understanding.

I was going to say,

With change,

If you don't choose how you want something to change,

You will be changed by it,

Right?

So especially if it was something traumatic and I think about- Maybe in an adequate way.

That's what I'm saying.

And so I remember for both of us,

When we had Josh,

We actually sat down and said,

We know how this can change us as a couple and it could pull us apart,

Right?

Having a child born with a special need or disability.

And we actually actively,

We sat down,

We chose how we were going to respond to it in every single way,

Including in terms of our communication as a couple,

Right?

And how we would raise our other children in our home and how they would relate to their brother.

We spoke about everything because we knew,

Right?

We had met so many couples who were in the same position as us and we saw how it changed them but not for the best.

I remember once,

Maybe we once- Yes,

I know.

We walked into a home and it literally felt dark.

It felt like their world,

It felt like death.

It felt like death.

And that is how they handled the- We also went into homes and it felt like joyful,

Right?

And I think you just touched on a very important point,

Which is,

Right?

We talked about the disturbances.

Every one of us in the next 12 to 18 months goes through a relatively significant change.

And then again,

About three to five times in our lifetimes,

There are going to be the life quakes.

And one of the things that you touched upon,

Which I think is so important,

Is to make a plan.

When something significant happens in your life,

A life quake,

Don't just,

Even if you're relatively spiritually minded and you're trying to embrace it in one way or the other,

No,

The life quakes take actually mindfulness,

Purpose,

And a plan.

So I would strongly recommend when we did that- And not wish it just to pass.

Or even if you're in the mindset of this,

In some way this is going to change me for the better,

Don't just be more mindful than that.

Really create a plan.

Be strategic.

How do I want this to change me?

I think it's really important,

Really important.

The other point which I was going to say as relates to change is the fact that we're talking about again pursuing change hopefully now with the right consciousness,

Which is that I have such great light and purpose and soul and it's there.

I just need to change and I'm going to hopefully make that list of things and ways within which I can change in order to allow who I am to change.

But also the understanding that we are not in and alone,

And that could be scary or not,

And that is that we call it the creator,

Call it the universe.

We have a change mentor that is following us in life.

And the reason behind both the disturbances and the life quakes are to allow us to reveal who we actually are.

Now most people will not choose a life quake.

If we were alone in the pursuit of change,

Most of us probably wouldn't change as much as we need to in life.

Thankfully there is,

Again we call it the light of the creator,

You can call it the universe that conspires in a positive way to help us change.

Explain that because I don't think a lot of people are necessarily as aware or in touch with the feeling of the creator's hand.

Right.

So I'll give you an example.

Recently I was driving and you know what I'm talking about?

No,

I just I always find it entertaining when you share about yourself publicly.

Whenever I'm saying something that she's not sure,

Either she's heard before or she's not sure what I'm about to say,

I like that.

Yeah exactly.

I like surprising it.

And also it's just it's entertaining for me because I tend to be more of an open book.

I'm always sharing like this thing that happened yesterday or whatever.

And so when you do it I get a little tickle.

Nice.

I'm ready.

I'm ready to be entertained.

Okay.

You know the story though so you might be disappointed.

Anyway I was driving and I wasn't paying attention.

I wasn't driving that fast anyway.

I got pulled over by a policeman,

By a state trooper.

I wanted the story to be a little juicier.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I'll make things up.

I'll make something up next time.

And literally as he's in this because I try to live my life in this way and I'm assuming he's driving,

Pulled me over because I was speeding.

I wasn't paying attention but I don't know why he's pulling me over.

So he comes to the window and before he comes to the window I have like my first thought I think that most of us I was both in a rush to get somewhere and oh my god now I have to deal with this cop.

Time for this.

I don't know.

But the next thought I had is like look this is coming from the creator.

I call it the universe.

And whether I can see exactly how or why right now this is going to make this the reason,

The only reason this isn't happening because I am unlucky and this state trooper happened to pull up behind me and so on and so forth.

This is happening.

This is directed and this is purposeful and in some way this is going to make me a better person.

Help me in my change process that again is for the purpose of revealing the best parts of myself.

And so that was my thought.

That was my thought.

Like I don't know exactly what's going to happen,

What I saw but I'm just so excited and appreciative that the creator has made this happen for me.

I would not none of us I think wake up in the morning say I wish the state trooper was going to pull me over.

But how is this connected to change?

Oh this is the point.

So,

But let me finish.

I think it's a relatively interesting story.

So most of us have had these interactions.

It's actually the first time I've ever been pulled over for speeding.

Never in my driving career.

I know because you tend to drive very slow.

Or safely depending on how you want to characterize it.

I'm actually surprised.

I'm really surprised you got a speeding ticket.

It must have been a very slow.

Was it a 30 mile zone?

It was a 45.

It was a highway with a 45 speed.

Yeah because you must have been going like 48.

I was going 65.

So I rolled down the window and like again what's going on in my mind is I'm just like so happy right because this is happening.

This is for the purpose of my change in growth.

You know why I pulled you over?

I said no.

I said I had no idea.

He says do you know what the speed limit here is?

I said no I really don't.

He says what do you think the speed limit is?

I said I guess 55.

I'm on a highway.

He said no it's 45.

And then you know then the whole process license registration so on and so forth.

Anyway it was like 15-20 minutes on the side of the road he gave me a ticket and so on and so forth.

But the point is.

It took that long to get a ticket?

Yeah he was he was obviously happy.

He wasn't in a rush.

Yeah he wasn't in a rush.

But the reason I'm sharing that story it's a small you know a small annoyance.

But the view of it that I had was I'm not in charge of my change all by myself.

There is the light of the Creator purposefully putting things in my life that are going to help me change in ways that I know and in ways that I don't know.

And I think that's important.

I think sometimes we'd like to both know and control the changes we need to go through.

We don't.

Sitting here today even though this morning as I began my day I have a focus on what I want to change how I want to change.

I also accept and not accept I'm excited about the fact that I actually have a change mentor working with me.

That force that loves me that knows what's best for me.

Because you trust that everything is set up for your greatest good.

And that the process of everything is ultimately the purpose.

And that it's not but the point is what I'm saying is that it's necessary.

The point is if we.

If you shift this if everybody shifts their consciousness to this then they would embrace any speed bump they hit for sure.

And what I would say I would say more than that.

That unless you're actively embracing this thought it will be more difficult to embrace the life quakes right.

So the disturbances.

Right it's like you want to train yourself little ways every day so that when the big things come you have enough muscle to flex.

I think that there's a few things that happen and fear I think plays a big role in this of why we don't change.

There's three things.

Well I'll go over two of them.

One is that we think that new equals bad.

And so I'll give you an example.

There was a 2010 study conducted at the University of Arkansas that found that people overwhelmingly found older or more traditional objects or behaviors to be preferable.

So older or more traditional objects.

So they did this.

Like furniture?

I'm going to give you an example.

So they did a chocolate taste test.

One group was told that the chocolate the company had been producing the bar for three years.

The other group was told that it was producing the chocolate for 73 years.

OK.

Overwhelmingly the group that thought the chocolate recipe was 73 years old rated the chocolate much better tasting than the group that thought the recipe was new.

So we have a built in rating system that says new equals bad which new could be change right.

Because what if the change is worse than what is currently.

So I think it's important to kind of.

Is that what the study proved?

Yeah that is.

Being aware of this response is a good way that we can stay on track of our habits that we're trying to build.

So.

You remember the new Coke?

There was the whole debacle?

Yes exactly that.

And if you look at the vintage bottles of the Coca-Cola you're going to get like the authentic and the classic.

It just takes you back to that because this chocolate was identical.

The only thing that was different was the information they had about how long the company had been in business.

So then that's why like people who try new products and they're open to it because they like change right.

And the point is we can all get there if we understand how important it is.

So I thought that was really interesting.

So the second the second thing is another thing that gets in our way is what if the change that we are trying to create is worse than we're at.

So I know a couple who is overweight.

And in every year one person the husband he decides he wants to lose weight right.

He starts to eat really healthy.

He works out and whenever this happens and he starts to actually show progress and lose weight and he's feeling really good.

So their relationship starts to deteriorate because she's feeling like she's going to be left behind.

And what if they're different as a couple and that now you know he's going to be something else and she's not comfortable with this kind of change and she's not aware of this but she's sabotaging for him and then he goes back to his old habits and he's still overweight.

So I think again another way that we trip ourselves up is we fear that again and it's kind of connected to settling but like I know this you know better the devil you know than the one you don't.

Interesting I didn't mean to cut you off but one of my favorite and I do recommend looking this up I think this is an old old SNL skit where you know they have often on TV they show like the amazing couples together and they had I haven't seen many years but it was called I believe lowered expectations.

And so like these two like really mismatched couples.

The couples that settled right usually on TV you see like the amazing couples.

I do recommend I haven't seen in years but I think it probably still hold up a match after this podcast I'll watch it again.

Let's watch it together.

Yes.

So I think I think our listeners really should stop and say okay where is fear or some kind of belief system I have that's making me reject change or resist change.

And I would say that it's also related to what we spoke with earlier every person who's pursuing change has to make sure that it doesn't harm other people.

I think that there is that you know I think sometimes when we either see a person's changing and now oh they don't want me in their lives or whatever that might change can have that negative effect and what we're seeing if it's spiritual if it's real change if it's change is really revealing who your beautiful powerful essence is can't be hurting for the most part.

But again I know there are times again for example there's certain times couples do need to do it's the right thing for them to get divorced.

I'd be very very mindful of any harm or negativity that impacts other people while I'm pursuing my own change.

I would say 95 percent of the time you better make sure that your change only has positive impacts on those are outside of yourself rather than having any negative impact.

And I do want to talk about because I think that change can be uncomfortable right.

But eventually it becomes something that you you seek and you really enjoy if you if you make this a way of life.

So a successful life is actually a life of comfortable discomfort right because it's ways that you're actually ultimately when you get to that place of change and growth you're going to feel really great and happy.

And when you were talking earlier about you know small ways every day I do like and change to my workout right.

Anybody who's let's say you have a goal and you're going to the gym so you start working out and you you start to sweat.

You have a goal I just enjoy exercising so much.

Yeah the goal is endorphins and utter bliss and happiness and strength.

I mean so many benefits right.

But so and you start to feel that as your heart rate goes up as your muscles start to get pumped you start to sweat right.

You're not in a zone.

And when you get to that place at least for me I'm like okay how can I push harder.

And then when I get there I keep pushing harder and I do this thing in my mind where I can do anything for X amount of minutes.

That's when it gets really really hard.

And then of course you get over that point and you start to feel that high that euphoria.

Now you're giving me that look.

So growth isn't easy but choosing change over comfort takes courage,

Resiliency and self-love.

And I think that that is what changes.

I think that's the gift that you give yourself.

And again I think that the word I wish it had a better connotation.

But I think that's part of what I hope to accomplish today.

Today is there are listeners who say not only is change going to happen I'm going to change.

I'm going to train myself and that's so it's so important.

Changes in something.

Oh when the life quake happens in five years that's when I'll embrace change.

No embrace change all the time so that when the life quake happens.

You're ready.

It doesn't even affect you in the way that it would probably affect somebody who never pursues it.

And I just want to talk about this.

There's two questions I get asked a lot when I'm asked about change.

One the first one is what are some ways to create change in small yet profound ways?

Because I think also when people are thinking about change they're thinking about it in these huge kind of they have to be so hard and it's like you know climbing a mountain and it's going to be really life changing like the life quakes but not really.

If you are able to create change in small ways every day then you're going to see your whole world is actually going to change.

So you have to be doing I think that's the point.

And I think there's a lot of research on this as well that if you if you say I want to become the world's best public speaker for example.

And that's not really how do you get there?

Well by probably pushing yourself every single day to have a conversation with somebody for two minutes and so on.

The point is that- Or do it very poorly at first by the way.

The ultimate goals will true change and this is one of the things that I think is worth- Because a lot of people spend a lot of time planning a big change right?

A lot of energy and the planning and the strategy and the thinking of it.

You don't need to think that much about change you just need to pursue it.

Just start taking small steps.

Start taking small.

So in 1995 and I really love this idea as I think it's going to tie into change.

Wolves were reintroduced into Yellowstone Park after years of absence due to hunting.

A solution was needed to the host of ecological problems presented by a rising elk population.

The elk was overgrazing the park to such a degree that various plant species were disappearing and the park was at risk for decertification among other things.

So scientists and ecologists had a sizable problem on their hands.

What were they going to do?

Well this is where wolves come in.

Not only would they be solving the elk problem but they would also get a chance to observe what happens when a top predator is introduced into an ecosystem.

So this is a small tweak right?

That could potentially provide them with very interesting research opportunities and it did.

The addition of the wolves changed the ecosystem so drastically that it's still being studied 25 years later.

This seemingly small change set off a cascade of transformation that included less gazing by elk,

The creation of rivers,

A teeming population of beavers and the return of certain trees.

All of that because 14 wolves were released into a 3,

500 square mile radius in the wilderness.

Each change we make in our lives reverberates and creates change where we would and could never expect it.

And I think that's the point.

You really never know what one small change if you choose that every day is going to lead to great change.

And I know that I can,

I'm sure you can attest to this as well that some if not most if not all of the amazing things that happen to us in life are predicated on small changes we started making five years ago,

10 years ago.

I think you often in your lectures use that concept of the tabs.

Bug mister fully.

Yeah,

Fuller.

Yeah.

Well they call them fully.

But he created these tabs,

I mean if you're familiar with if you're nautically inclined or aerodynamics on the plane it's like a small rudder.

That's attached to a larger rudder which a rudder is like a tiny thing that helps things rotate.

So what he understood is that if you just had the large rudder it would actually just clip off and the whole thing would be destroyed.

But these small rudders by making a small,

Small change it would move the whole ship or the plane so effortlessly and seemingly.

So it's the same way we need to approach change,

These small little tabs.

The way to.

Rotating them very ever so slightly.

How do you move a big ship slowly?

Exactly,

Exactly.

So change by definition means to make the form,

Nature,

Content or future course of something different from what it is or from what it would be if it was left alone.

Which it's like I just love the definition because then it seems quite delicious,

Something you want to approach.

You have to be an active participant in change.

So first start small.

Whether you want to switch a career,

You want to make a new commitment to your health,

You want to transition to veganism,

You want to climb Mount College of Maro,

Set your vision and think small.

And it's the opposite.

Kilimanjaro.

Whatever.

Kilimanjaro.

If you want to climb Mount Kilimanjaro,

Set your vision and think small.

So the point is ask yourself what are some small changes you can make today?

Which reminds me,

I really enjoyed the story.

James Baldwin,

The famous writer,

Activist,

Somebody once asked him,

What do you have to do to be a writer,

Right?

To become a writer.

He says you need a desk,

A chair,

Paper and pen.

And that's the idea that most people,

Oh give me some amazing ideas of how I'm going to become the most amazing writer.

No,

Start writing.

And over 20 years,

You probably have a chance of becoming a great writer.

Exactly.

And again,

I think it has to do with why you're writing and what your intention is and is it about becoming a great writer or is it that you have something to say?

But even if it's about becoming a great writer,

It's never going to happen unless it's sitting by a desk with a chair.

And you write a paragraph or you write a few lines.

Actually in that same book that you mentioned earlier,

He tells a story that he did that with his father who was majorly depressed and trying to kill himself I think six times in a matter of 12 weeks.

And he was not depressed his whole life.

He had been diagnosed with Parkinson's.

And to get him to change his state,

He started by asking him one question a week.

And he said that his father was never somebody who wrote,

He was more of a doer than a thinker.

And he would think about this question and then he couldn't use his hands anymore because of the disease.

So he would say it into a recorder and he would send his son this.

And in the end of this,

And then he'd send him another question the week after and then the questions got more elaborate.

At first,

They were very basic.

And then after about a year or two of this,

He had written his own biography,

The Father,

Who was not a writer,

Right?

But what did he start with a sentence a week?

Yeah.

And which reminds me,

If I can say that one of my- You can always say anything you want.

I have more to add on my list,

But go ahead.

He brings there a study,

Which I think is powerful on many levels,

Certainly as it relates to change and how we tell our story.

And there was research done by Marshall Duke from Emory University.

And it started because his wife taught children special needs.

And she found that the children who were maybe the most important indicator of a child's wellbeing,

Emotional- Right,

Who was emotionally stable,

I think he said.

Is if they knew the story of their family to great detail,

Who the grandparents were,

What they did,

And so on and so forth.

Even how they succeeded,

How they failed,

They knew the story of where they came from.

Exactly.

And so hearing this from his wife,

Who's also a psychologist,

He began doing research in this area and he found this to be true,

That when people really know their family history and where they came from,

It makes them much stronger and happier and emotionally- Well,

They have a sense of belonging.

Right.

And Bruce Feiler uses this example,

Which I thought,

Again,

I think this is a,

I think many of our lists is hopefully a life-changing understanding.

He said there's three types of stories that families tell.

One is the ascension story.

We came from nothing and we made it amazing.

And now you're here,

Right?

Yeah.

Right?

This is the descending story,

Which is- Missing some facts there.

Well,

Yeah,

But that's,

Of course.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

The descending story is we were once very wealthy and we lost it all.

Right?

And the third type of story that families tell is the oscillating story,

Which is we once were doing really well,

Then it got really hard,

We lost most of what we had,

But we made it back and then- Or you were president of the bank and then his house burned down.

And then somebody's family never got sick and so on and so forth.

Right,

Exactly.

And he said that the healthiest people,

Children,

Are the ones whose family told the oscillating story,

The story that's filled with change.

It's not just,

Oh,

Things were terrible,

Then they became amazing,

Or things were great and they got terrible,

That story does not create a strong child or a strong family.

But the oscillate,

The light that is filled with the ups and the downs and the changes and the growth,

Which I thought was a really,

Really important- Yes,

Very powerful.

Really important understanding.

Sorry,

But you're list.

Okay,

So that was that.

And then the next thing is that you should mess up.

Allowing yourself to see your progress as imperfect is vital,

Right?

I think often when we pursue change as soon as something doesn't go as we planned or it looks like it's going the wrong direction,

We give up.

But we are not perfect and our pursuit for change is going to be imperfect as well.

So it's super important to be able to mess up and to recognize its value actually.

And it might not even make sense at times,

Right?

But just trust that it's for,

Like you said,

You have a co-creator in change with the creator.

And the third one is get curious.

So just starting to do small things and change every day,

You're planting seeds and you should know already that your transformation is starting because you've planted seeds.

So just if you were going to grow a tree and you put seeds in the ground,

You don't actually see the tree yet,

But you know that something is now starting,

Right?

And it's being created.

And then you're going to observe it and you're going to nurture it and you're going to see the transformation that's happening.

So this is just really be curious.

Notice how one change affects other parts of your life and see what comes from that,

Right?

So let's say,

For instance,

Starting small,

Right?

If we go back to the beginning of the list,

Let's say you wanted to start a business.

So you open a bank account right now.

You're putting money that you're setting aside to start the business.

So now that you've put money in the account,

You notice that you're actually sleeping better at night,

Right?

Because that worry of you not actually starting your dream or cultivating this or creating change,

Now you feel like you're taking a step in that direction.

So you sleep better.

Now that you sleep better,

You're actually waking up an hour earlier.

Now that you're waking up an hour earlier,

You're able to work out in the morning and you're clear,

Right?

So you can see how from one step in the right direction,

One step into change,

If you're curious and you're watching for all the signs,

You're going to see all these other things that come together from it.

And that's why often the example of the seed is used that actually what happens when you put the seed in the ground,

It actually has to deteriorate completely before it's able to sprout a tree.

So like you said,

Don't expect change to be an upward,

You know,

Purely upward trajectory.

There's going to be the ups and the downs and sometimes.

.

.

But that's why people stop.

They're like,

Oh,

You know,

I'm going to try something else.

But don't trust that it is working.

And the other question I get a lot is why is it so important to embrace change right now and to be open to making progress?

And in a nutshell,

It's because life is happening right now.

Life is not happening tomorrow or the next day or year from now.

It's happening in this moment.

One of the most sobering stories I can share about this is that a friend of mine,

She,

Her mother died recently and it wasn't unexpected because she had heart disease,

High blood pressure,

She was overweight and doctors warned her repeatedly for many years that if she continued in this way,

You know,

That this would be the outcome.

And of course her mother,

You know,

Took things seriously.

She did.

She,

Over five years,

She purchased a stationary bike,

A treadmill,

A stair stepper,

A rowing machine and an elliptical trainer.

She did.

All of those things.

She gathered dust.

The treadmill supported a pile of books and magazines.

The stair stepper was draped in scarves and the trunk in the corner of her room was overflowing with exercise DVDs and books on weight loss.

And you know,

She had the jump ropes and the weights and the bands,

Everything.

In addition to that,

She had 15 self-help books on her shelf and she did read all of them.

It's not that she didn't desire the change,

Right?

But she didn't lose any weight.

And of course it was painful to see because she had a desire for change yet and she put a lot of time and money into trying to create that change but she wasn't successful.

So the point is,

Is that,

And I think in her mother's mind because she was taking these steps,

Right?

She bought the machines.

She read the books.

She was thinking about change a lot.

She was thinking about this specific change but she actually wasn't doing it.

I think we can get stuck here.

And I think that's why it's a cautionary tale.

I think that you have to really,

Each one of us has to check ourselves.

How much time do we spend thinking about an idea,

Thinking about how things will change?

When we did the Happiness Podcast,

It's when this happens,

Then that will happen,

Right?

If when then.

So I think that the same thing can happen with change.

We can be so busy with thinking or dreaming about a different life or a different way or how things will be in my life when things do change because we've identified that the thing that will make us happy is if this one thing changes.

That's not how we have to approach change.

Change has to be something that you work towards and you choose every single day in small ways,

Mess up,

Be curious,

And then you're really actively living the life that you're meant to.

And like you said earlier,

Revealing the most beautiful aspects of who you are.

And therefore I think I would say to all of our listeners right now,

Ask the question first,

How have I changed in the past week,

Month,

Year?

By the way,

For good and bad,

I think that when we're having this honest conversation,

It's a good place to start because you might not identify any positive ones,

But can you identify negative ones and then realize,

Okay,

Where did I forfeit my free will?

When did I not become an active participant in my life?

Very important.

And second,

What am I doing on a consistent basis daily to change in the right ways,

In the positive ways,

Right?

Because unless you're doing actively pursuing change with purpose,

Then like you said,

Change is going to happen unfortunately often,

Not changing us with a better person.

Yes,

Absolutely.

And I actually have,

I want to share my manifesto on change with you.

The first is change is necessary to become your better self.

We've covered that one.

The second is the more you know who you are,

What you love,

What you hate,

What excites you,

What drives you,

The closer you are to achieving what you want.

Three,

Be spiritually hungry.

Yearn for something more deeper,

Richer,

Lasting,

No matter how great your life is,

There's always another level and something new to discover.

Four,

Continue always to celebrate who you are and where you are in your journey.

Live life with joy,

Do what you love and success will follow.

And five,

Change requires action,

Urgent and immediate every day.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So I have a question for you.

Oh,

I was about to ask mine.

Okay,

You can go first.

No,

Go,

Go,

Go.

Okay,

Well.

What was the hardest thing for you to change within yourself?

The hardest.

Or what did you work the hardest at changing?

Well there's something I speak about a lot and I can use an example.

I was trying to think of something else.

So I'll give you two answers for the price of one.

We'll see which one's the truth.

You let our listeners know.

I like that.

I will.

I think this is a running theme.

You answer my questions for me.

No,

I just help you.

So first,

I think,

And this is something that I have shared a lot.

So are you going to answer change about you,

Your characteristics or your experience?

That was talking about your character.

You're very specific about how you want me to answer the question.

I think one is easier for you to answer and one is more difficult.

Now I'm confused with the question.

Okay,

So let me read.

This is my third time,

Third attempt.

What characteristic have you worked really hard at changing?

Yeah,

So it's still the same answer.

Okay,

Fine.

We didn't even answer it yet.

So the point is growing up,

I think like many people,

Naturally shy,

I really enjoyed studying reading by myself.

I did not enjoy neither people,

Crowds,

Most importantly speaking to people or crowds.

Introvert,

Yeah.

And I think this is an important understanding,

I think for me now and for our listeners that if you really,

We spoke about earlier,

Which I think is so fundamental to understanding change that to reveal the greatness of my soul,

I needed to change.

And I had to find what is it about me that I feel,

Believe needs to change in order for me to be able to reveal that.

So for me,

The answer was,

Well,

If you're studying gaining wisdom,

Obviously you need to share it.

That means you have to be able to enjoy being around people,

Enjoy speaking to people,

Enjoy teaching.

That is something that I pushed,

Forced myself to actively pursue from the age of,

I don't know,

16,

17.

And now,

These many years later,

I would like to think that I'm better at teaching,

Better at speaking with people,

Better at being with people.

And for me,

But the purpose behind that was this understanding that,

Like I said,

I really believe that I have an amazing soul and I have great light and wisdom to reveal in this world.

And what are the innate nature that I was born with and I need to remove in order to allow me to reveal that?

Right.

And you still do enjoy.

Do you like the answer?

Is it okay?

I accept it.

And you still do enjoy reading,

Having time alone.

I mean,

That's,

And I think that's a good point though,

Because it doesn't mean that you don't still enjoy those things.

However,

You're constantly pushing yourself to reveal even greater parts of yourself because you see how that's,

Because I often think about this.

If you didn't push yourself in that way,

How many people would have never learned from what you've learned,

Right?

From your wisdom.

You're also very funny and you're very empathetic and you're a great listener and people would not- Answer questions well,

Not so much.

I'm giving you a compliment and now you're fishing for more.

I'll just stop.

You finished my compliment.

How many people would not have experienced that if you never grew that part of yourself?

So that's a perfect example of why change is necessary.

Right.

Right.

And I was going to say the second answer,

And I think this is something as well that good for me and probably for many of our listeners,

Is not to own the titles we give ourselves.

What do I mean?

For example,

The story that I,

If I tell the story of myself is that I'm a teacher in some ways.

I'm a writer.

And those are important things to me,

Right?

But in my mind,

Pursuing change is the excitement of knowing that next year,

Five years from now,

The core is like Jim Collins said,

The core is going to stay the same,

But I don't know exactly how it's going to be manifesting.

And that's really exciting to me.

I try not to buy into the story of who I am today in such a way that I want to keep,

That's how I want to stay tomorrow and next year and five years from now.

I have to assume that in five years from now,

The core is going to be the same,

But the external expression of it is going to be so different in so many exciting and new ways.

Unrecognizable.

Exactly.

I'm excited about that.

Exactly.

So the question to you is,

I make them easier,

A change you went through recently.

Well,

Of course,

That should have been 12 months ago,

I guess.

Let me think.

Change I went through recently.

It could be small.

I like small ones.

I like your help actually.

You want me to help you?

Sure.

My best friend always does this.

I tend to forget the smaller things and she's like,

Monica,

Remember that time?

I was like,

I don't remember that story.

I'm trying to remember the story,

The situation.

It was with one of our kids and you did something and then you came to me and you said,

I really realize that this is not something,

A behavior that I want to have.

I do that all the time with our kids.

Yeah,

That's what I mean.

I mean,

Those both that awareness and those ties and you choose to behave different,

Right?

To behave because I think- I mean,

I think that's the point and I'm not saying this to make myself sound any which way,

But I'm constantly having that dialogue with myself,

Right?

I really am.

Really in the.

.

.

I mean,

I play hard,

I live hard,

I do everything to the fullest that I can.

It's just my personality,

Right?

Like a workout's not going to just be one.

It's going to be until I'm done,

Right?

As a mother,

As a wife,

As a teacher,

I'm always saying,

Okay,

What could I have done differently?

How could I have done it better?

I'm having that dialogue,

That conversation,

That emotional feedback with myself quite consistently.

Maybe that's why I can't think of one because I think it's actually just the way I live my life now.

It's a constant,

Like everything's changing.

I don't even.

.

.

I mean,

I have a schedule for today,

But it might not happen and something else might happen instead and I've really learned to appreciate that.

Actually,

Just last night,

I remember another one where we were talking about,

Again,

People that we know and you were talking about your relationship with them and then you said,

Okay,

I need to reframe it.

Oh,

Yeah.

And I think,

Like you said,

I think it happens very often.

Yeah,

No,

I think.

.

.

By the way,

I think we have these conversations at least twice a day or- Right.

Yeah.

And I think,

Again,

For our listeners,

I think we're being a little- A little vague,

I know.

We're not giving specific examples.

But I think with that one last night,

I think it's a really good one because it's a relationship I've had for many,

Many years and my approach to it,

I just had a realization last night like,

Oh,

What is it really?

Maybe if I approach it this way or I think about it that way- It was your question,

Not to big you up,

But how can I invest more?

Better in them.

Better and more in this relationship.

How do I need to reframe it for myself?

In my mind in order to do that.

Yeah.

So,

I'm constantly having that because I also don't believe that you go through life kind of enjoying or not really understanding the purpose and meaning.

I think in everything I do,

I want to know why am I doing this?

What is it serving?

Who is it for?

And how can I do it better?

How do I change to be doing it better?

Exactly.

I do have that conversation daily.

Thank God.

I hope I always do.

So,

Yeah,

I would love to.

.

.

We got such two beautiful letters this week.

Do you want me to share one with you and you can read one and I'll read one?

I think we're a little bit short on time,

So we'll share one this week.

All right,

Listeners,

Michael has short changed you and I will only read one letter.

And by the way,

Please continue to send your letters,

Questions,

Stories to Monica and Michael.

I hope you hopefully had the opportunity to share more and more of them with all of the rest of our listeners.

So,

Here it goes.

I had a spiritually hungry experience that I wanted to share with you both.

First I have to explain that I hate and avoid at all costs driving in the city,

New York City.

I've lived in Westchester for 14 years and I've always either taken the train or an Uber every single time.

I have to go to Manhattan for any reason.

Those are expensive Ubers.

I didn't really understand why.

I just always got to the city some way and that didn't involve driving.

Now COVID sets in and I won't take public transportation or Uber.

So on this particular day last week,

If I wanted to go to the meeting that takes place in Manhattan,

I had no other choice but to drive myself.

As I'm driving along highway 95,

I feel panic every time a big truck comes anywhere near me.

All of a sudden traffic starts to slow down as morning rush hour sets in.

Being the spiritual student that I am,

I decided to listen to your advice that you gave on Rosh Hashanah that if you're stuck in traffic,

Think of it as a gift and use that time to listen to spiritually hungry podcast.

I turned on my podcast app and randomly picked a spiritually hungry podcast without looking at my selection.

Within minutes my car is full of the voices I love to hear to get inspired.

Oh,

Thanks.

This one is podcast number nine on happiness.

As I'm listening,

I notice how my body's lurched forward as I'm driving and my hands clutching the steering wheel.

Every time a truck goes by,

My blood pressure goes up another notch.

I realize that my belief system is that the purpose of all these tractor trailers is not to deliver products,

But their main function is to run me off the road and destroy me.

With every truck that passes,

My stomach gets more and more anxious.

All this is going on while I'm listening to the two of you discuss the concept of happiness.

At that moment,

Like a light bulb going off,

I realized the contradiction of my life versus what I'm listening to on the podcast.

I said to myself,

Stop.

Are you happy right in this minute?

No,

You're living in fear,

Pure panic.

This is not the joy and happiness that you say you want to live.

At that exact moment while I'm listening to the two of you,

I realized that right now in the middle of your podcast,

I can choose to either live in panic while driving or enjoy it and realize that my fear is irrational.

Procter and Gamble did not load up trucks this morning with thousands of dollars of goods for the purpose of running me off the road.

With this new realization,

I enjoyed the ride all the way in.

Even more so since I overcame my fears,

I felt elated.

I simply made a choice to choose happy over fear just like that.

I decided that I wanted to send you a letter to tell you how your podcast helped me overcome my fears because I listened to it in real lifetime while I was having the experience.

But wait,

There's more.

She's really spunky and cute.

I wanted to send you a letter,

But I didn't have time to compose it.

So last Sunday,

I was driving to visit my son in college and I thought I'll take my thoughts and transcribe it when I get home.

So I have a two-hour drive in front of me and realizing that I'm enjoying this drive now.

I'm feeling happy.

And as I'm getting my thoughts on record,

When all of a sudden I realized that I gave both my children my criteria for their college selection,

That it could not be further than a two-hour drive.

I realized that I made them choose their college unknowingly because of my fear of driving.

That's powerful.

I realized at that moment how much of my life and my children's are wrapped in my fears.

I realized how ridiculous to let my fears have such an impact on their whole lives.

Michael and Monica,

I'm glad that I chose to listen to the Spiritually Hungry podcast that day.

Michael,

You jokingly said,

Amarsha Shanna,

That when you're stuck in traffic,

Listen to the podcast.

But in that statement,

You changed the direction of not only my life,

But of my children.

So thank you so deeply for the life lessons.

And guess what podcast I'm listening to next?

Overcoming fears.

Yet I'm so happy I'm not ruled by irrational fears.

And I'm looking forward to a great year for myself and for the world.

Tons of love.

Thank you so much.

Really,

We say this,

But I really mean it.

When we receive letters like this or people tell us or in all ways that you share with us,

The impact that Spiritually Hungry is having,

The positive impact it's having on your life,

It really inspires us.

And that's really why we do this.

Besides,

Again,

I do really enjoy having conversations with Monica.

But we do this because of hopefully the impact,

The positive impact that it has on our listeners.

So please make sure to keep sending questions,

Stories to monicaandmichael.

Com.

Go to Apple Podcasts,

Rate it,

Write a review,

Share it with all of your friends so that this hopefully inspiring wisdom can get to more and more people.

And as I always say,

I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed reporting it.

Remember,

Change requires urgent and immediate action.

So get to it and have fun.

Bye.

Reviews

Love the hungry podcast. Thank you for this talk on change! Shanti.