100. No, Thank You: How To Say Yes To What’s Important

It’s not uncommon to say yes to things without really considering whether it is aligned with your priorities. Saying no can leave us feeling guilty like we’ve let others down. But if we don’t learn how to say no to others, we won’t have the time, energy, or space to say yes to ourselves. In this mini episode of Spiritually Hungry, Monica and Michael Berg discuss how to get clear on your boundaries, so you can spend more time on the people and things that really matter.

Transcript

I think that one of the reasons why we allow ourselves to say yes and do things that aren't either necessary or really that important is because we don't value the moments enough.

We don't value our hours,

Our days enough.

Welcome to the spiritually hungry podcast summer edition episode 100.

Wow it's amazing.

It's a lot of words.

Yes.

It's a lot of thoughts.

It's a lot of time together.

Not that much time.

We should have been more.

Yeah thoughts.

And that's why I mean.

It's cool.

It's like a hundred hours basically.

Yeah.

So this is a word I've really started to enjoy saying and I can't say that that's not really true.

I love you.

I'm not really on saying it more.

No nope no thank you.

Oh you like it.

I'm learning I'm learning I'm learning I'm learning to say no.

So and I'll explain.

We see memes all the time on social media encouraging us to say yes to everything.

But I am saying we should say no way more.

We're so conditioned to say yes to everything so quickly that we end up filling our time and then need to say no to the things we really want to do and to people who really matter to us.

I struggle with this.

This struggle is real and it comes up a lot.

And so that's why I'm saying I'm practicing and I'm getting a little bit better at it.

The trick is to say no from the start and you can ultimately do the things that light you up.

So these are questions that I get a lot around this topic.

The first question is what is it about the word no that makes it so hard for us to say it to people.

It comes down to our feelings around the word no.

We've all been conditioned to believe that and mostly through society that we should be amenable,

Place high value on what people think of us and go to great lengths to not disappoint anybody.

And by the way,

If this is your belief system,

Then yes is going to be the answer that you say most days.

Again I had to work very hard to shed myself of caring for those things.

Another question I get often is how do you deal with the guilt of saying no.

And you know how I feel about the word guilt.

I don't think it has it belongs even in this question.

Feeling guilty means I've done something wrong and I feel bad about it.

And now people reject me.

If you give yourself permission to be your authentic self,

Guilt will not be an emotion that comes up for you.

It's really powerful to realize that saying yes to something you don't want to do is letting yourself down.

And again when I started to actually feel that in real time changed everything for me because I just didn't feel good.

I didn't feel good when I would say yes when I really meant no.

Even if I had a desire to do it but I knew it was physically impossible or the sacrifice would be too great.

And I'd say yes anyway.

I always felt bad in my own skin.

So here are a few simple tips for how to say no.

Did you want to say something?

Well I was going to say only if it's okay.

You don't need my permission.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

I'm saying yes.

That for me as many of my brothers know my mother left this physical world almost two years ago now in the summer.

And I learned many,

Many things from her while she was in this world and I learned a tremendous amount in her process of leaving this world.

And one of the things I often share with you but I've made it a real,

For me it's been a real change.

Even though as we say at B'zal Tashim we have endless more years in this world,

It does give you a greater appreciation of the moment and of the day.

When you see somebody who leaves this world,

That experience changes you and hopefully changes us in a way that awakens a greater appreciation for the moment.

So for me,

The question is always to do something or not to do something,

To commit to something or not to commit to something within the context of every moment is so precious.

So a moment that I could spend with you,

A moment that I could spend with the kids,

A moment that I could spend with something that's really,

Really important.

Well those are really important moments.

So what are the things that I will allow to take away from that?

I believe that with my life I'm doing important work and I am helping people in whatever ways that I can.

So those are also priorities,

But some things aren't priorities and some things aren't as important.

And I think that one of the reasons why we allow ourselves to say yes and do things that aren't either necessary or really that important is because we don't value the moments enough.

We don't value our hours,

Our days enough.

And I can say that personally,

Again,

I don't think that I would say that I was doing anything frivolous and unnecessary before.

I would say if you asked me,

I had always tried to do only important things,

Only important work,

But it's a different frame of reference now for me.

I think it's such an important point and I've really,

This summer I've put a lot of emphasis on organizing myself to choose that in each day because it's really hard when you have a lot of things that you're very passionate about and that are very important to you that you can create and you can see yourself like if I put energy in this,

It could be something or it could do something or it could make a difference.

But then I'm also coming to the reality and accepting it that we only have so much time on this earth.

It's impossible to do all the things,

All the things that interest you.

You have to pick the ones that interest you the most in order to be able to spend time with the people you love the most,

Including yourself.

And that's the hard part,

That balance.

Some people struggle to find what they love and what they're passionate about and maybe it's going to sound like really all these things,

But really where do we even if you get stuck on Instagram,

Scrolling through it,

All that time could be spent somewhere else.

It's not even saying no to those things.

It's on that level.

It's to look at every part of our life and say,

What is it that I am saying yes to that could be a waste of time or could be really important?

Maybe you're asked to go speak somewhere and they're going to pay you a lot of money and maybe you can do that and it'll be good.

But was it really worth all the other things you had to say no to that were more important to you?

So I think it's really important to pause and look at life in terms of how many days you get.

And if that's the case,

Like I said,

We've spent 100 hours on spiritually hungry so far.

We're in the hundreds now.

And I think that's time well spent.

But if you just view life in that way,

It's going to make you,

I think,

Really be more selective about where you put energy.

Absolutely.

I'll share with you a quick story from today.

So I was studying,

Preparing a lecture,

Very important work in my estimation.

And Abigail,

Our youngest daughter,

Came up and she wanted me to sign something.

And I actively had this thought,

I'm really important,

But okay,

But she's like,

How precious is this moment?

And so I just started hugging her and kissing her and we goofed around for like probably 10 minutes,

As opposed to otherwise saying,

Okay,

You want me to do this?

I'll do this.

None of these words,

Of course,

I would never say.

Get out of my office,

Let me get back to my important work.

That is so clearly,

And I actively had this thought and I do recommend this to our listeners,

When something precious,

And it could be your friend,

It could be your wife,

It could be your child,

It could be anything,

Grab that opportunity because it's so easy and like to say,

No,

I'm busy doing something really important.

Either get out of my way or not now.

So I actively try to ask myself that question when making a choice,

Doing one thing or the other,

Or even interrupting something important for the other.

What's the precious moment here?

Yeah,

Absolutely.

So there are a few simple tips for how to say no.

One,

Do it quickly.

I call this the band-aid approach.

Doing quickly?

What do you mean?

No.

Oh.

Two,

Be okay with being uncomfortable.

It might be uncomfortable at first,

But you'll feel so much better after if you're direct,

Right?

Sometimes we ham and haw and tiptoe and it doesn't really help anything.

And three,

Be direct.

Avoid ambiguous answers like maybe or I'll get back to you.

You do that.

I do that a lot.

Yeah.

If somebody asks me,

And I think people are onto it by the way.

But it's,

I just find it again for me,

It works because if they say,

You know,

I really want,

I want to do this,

That,

That.

I say,

Okay,

Email me.

And what I mean by that is it's not important enough for me to spend a half hour talking to you about it right now.

Email me and maybe at some point I'll have the time to think about it or,

Or,

You know,

Or,

Or have another conversation on it.

Yeah.

Just when he asks you to do something and you say,

Oh,

You know,

I don't know,

Let me get back to you.

You can say,

You know,

I'd really love to,

I can't at this time,

But if things change,

I'll do my best or if I can move things around,

I just feel like that's a more honest,

Direct answer.

Because while ambiguous phrases might feel more kind,

It's really kinder to others and yourself.

Just say no at the outset.

I do believe that.

And another question I get a lot is how do you do?

I would just,

Again,

Not challenge you,

Not challenge you,

Never ask the question because I've had those situations where I've seen this,

Somebody just says no.

And it does sometimes feel cold.

I'm not saying just say no,

Like no.

I'm saying cold and Brooke where,

Where,

Where it's like,

You know,

What's that joke?

You know,

There's still a chance,

Right?

So when you say to somebody,

You know,

Not right now or email me or let's talk about it in their mind and there might still be a chance,

Right?

Sometimes I do.

I'm not saying say no in a nasty way,

But I'm saying if you know that you really can't do it right.

And,

And,

And they really want to know,

I'm just saying I can't if that's the case.

Right.

And I'd really love to.

And I will try to move things around if I can make it.

I will.

And that's honest.

It's kind,

But it's,

It's clear.

And the fourth question I often get is how do you deal with a person who won't accept no for an answer?

And if you think about it,

Not taking no for an answer is quite disrespectful.

Saying no is your decision and you don't need anyone's agreement.

That's the truth.

There's an opportunity to protect your boundaries.

Boundaries enable us to get clear about what we need,

What we will accept and how we expect others to treat us.

And I love that because I had an epiphany actually this week that I always think I'm really good at creating boundaries.

I've had to work very hard to do that.

Mine were always,

People were always erasing them and moving the markers.

And I was like,

I'm,

You know,

I'm good at this.

And then I realized that actually I'm good after the fact.

I'm not good at setting boundaries up at the get go.

So I've been,

It was really like,

I was like,

Oh my God.

You're in your own mind.

Yeah.

So I've been asked to teach a class at a place in the fall and I'll share more with that when we get closer to it.

But I could commit to one day a week and they really wanted two days a week.

And I said at the,

And I know I have my book launch for our children's book,

Abigail,

Our youngest and I have written a children's book.

The Gift of Being Different comes out in October and we have lectures in September.

Like I already know and school starts like,

I know what September and October are never easy and especially this year.

So I explained that and I said,

I really,

I'd love to,

But I can't.

Then a week later they said,

You know,

We're thinking about it and everybody else's teaching is giving two days a week.

We really need you to do that.

So I said,

Okay.

And as I said,

Okay,

I was like,

I don't feel comfortable in my skin.

Why am I abandoning myself?

I know I can't commit to that.

And I'm already starting to be upset about it,

But I still did.

So I sat with it and I just sat with it and sat with it.

And then they sent me a contract to sign and again with the two days,

Whatever.

And then I was like,

You know what?

And that's when I had the epiphany.

And I'm like,

I cannot do this.

I know that I cannot.

And I know that if I do this,

I'm going to be grumpy every day and I'm going to talk to you about it.

It's what a waste of energy and time.

I just,

I simply cannot.

So I explained it and I explained all the reasons and I said,

I would love to,

And we can revisit it maybe in 2023 if I can give more time,

But this is honestly my best.

And I want to hear thoughts.

And if they didn't want me for that,

Then that had to be okay too.

It was the first time because I think before I would say yes,

Because I didn't want to miss out on an opportunity or I wanted to be part of,

But you have to choose self.

And anyway,

And they were very agreeable.

So to honor our boundaries,

We have to communicate them and defend them despite any initial discomfort.

Do you want to play a game?

I would love to play a game.

Okay.

Actually,

No.

I did.

I did this on a TV show actually,

And it was super fun.

And now you are going to be in the hot seat.

So I'm going to give you a bunch of different scenarios and there are multiple choice questions.

Oh,

That's it.

And then I get to grade you.

Oh,

You grade me.

Okay.

Because some of the toughest people to say no to are our colleagues,

Our family and our friends.

It's easier to say no to strangers,

Obviously.

Okay.

So here's the first example.

Your coworker is hosting a happy hour after work,

But that was supposed to be date night with me.

Do you A,

Go so far to avoid the coworker in the hallways if you don't go to the party?

B,

Tell the coworker that you'll check with me,

But this only delays the inevitable because we know what you're going to choose.

Or C,

Tell your coworker you'd love to,

Especially because he's buying,

But it's date night,

So you'll have to rain check.

I think I would have said,

Let me think about it and then I get,

Let me get back to you and then say that I can't.

Now I would have said no.

I mean most cases I would say no.

If it was like a party,

They'll thought they can do it.

It was like a sort of thing where I'd say,

Okay,

We'll come by.

We'll say stay for 10 minutes to 20 minutes and then go on our date.

It was never 10 or 20 minutes and you know that half hour.

Oh,

Michael,

Our teenage kids love to barbecue and now that our teens are,

I love to barbecue.

We love to eat barbecue.

Okay.

And now that they are home for summer vacation,

They want you to grill every single weekend and you love it,

But every weekend might be exhausting.

Do you A,

Suggest takeout from a family favorite restaurant?

Do you B,

Say these are my kids,

I'm going to get grillin'?

Do you C,

Say yes,

Let's grill and add conditions like they get to prep,

Do the shopping and clean up?

Well,

If it's really,

If I really don't have time,

Let me just order takeout and I think our kids would be happy with it.

Yeah,

That is one way.

I don't think they'll have takeout though.

That would just be the easier way instead of saying setting parameters.

Right.

I think the answer is C.

Yes,

I'll grill,

But how about,

Yeah,

I think part of it is agree to disagree.

I think that's,

I think that's part of a bigger explanation.

I think that kids at some point need to learn to become the givers and not just the receivers.

But I'm still giving to them.

We found the one actually doing it.

They should participate in the giving.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh,

Cause who's going to clean it up?

Actually,

You're not going to clean it up.

All right,

Michael.

Well,

Saying yes means saying no to something else.

And usually we say yes to the things that are much less important.

Saying no,

Recapping this for you now,

Can mean we get to spend more time with the people who are important to us.

We have time for self care.

We have time for projects and goals that are really true and near and dear to our hearts.

Yeah.

And all I would add is what I said,

That really,

I think one of the greatest understandings in life and certainly in this conversation to make better decisions is to really appreciate the preciousness of every moment.

And therefore when you,

I think the reason we allow ourselves to say yes to things that aren't as important is simply because we don't appreciate the moments.

We don't appreciate the hours.

We don't appreciate the days.

And if you start viewing life in a view of appreciating every moment,

An hour and day that you have,

You use those precious times in different ways.

I have one more question for you.

Go for it.

You better be,

You didn't grade me yet.

Well,

You've got the first one.

Wrong.

So I got it.

No,

The first one that was right,

But that wasn't the best answer.

The second one was again,

Okay.

So I got like 50 out of 100?

Yeah.

Maybe you can redeem yourself with this one.

So I'm failing grade.

I'm invited to a baby sprinkle.

Do you know what that is?

A baby sprinkle?

Never heard of it.

Well,

That's when somebody is having their second child and they have a baby shower.

Is that true?

Yes.

I've never heard of that.

So it's a known thing.

Am I the only one who doesn't know?

No,

If you want to know it.

So you go to this,

Baby showers or sprinkles,

Whatever.

Let's say,

Well,

Let's say you're asking me an engagement party.

A second second.

Yeah.

But I like this one because I'll explain after.

Just go with me.

Maybe you will go to sprinkle.

So you're there and things are taking longer.

Are men invited to showers usually?

No,

But just play with me here.

Because I want it to be heartfelt.

Anyway,

Let me just get to the question.

So it's getting late and you're like,

I don't want to be here anymore in your mind.

And they haven't opened the presence yet.

I haven't opened any sprinkles.

So you want to leave.

You've had enough.

They haven't opened the presence.

Do you?

I want my sprinkles.

Do you ignore wanting to go stay till the bitter end?

Do you have an Irish goodbye,

Which I'm known for and slip out the back without saying anything?

Or do you say that,

I love you,

I support you.

This is great.

I have a really early morning.

I'm going to need to go.

But it's been great.

Again,

It's tough to answer the question without knowing who this person is.

Is this a really close friend?

Is it a family member?

Being it's somebody who you really care about.

Well,

How do you separate your feelings towards a really close friend or a family member?

I would say they both are important.

Right.

But in different levels.

It depends.

I would say I almost never,

I'm never comfortable just leaving without saying goodbye.

So again,

Depending on how late it is,

If I really feel it's fine for me to go,

Then I would do that.

Because.

.

.

You would tell them goodbye.

I would tell them goodbye.

But I'm thinking in general,

Whether it's at a wedding,

Again,

Never been to a sprinkle before,

But at a wedding,

At a birthday party,

I always try.

Unless it's a very,

Very,

Very close friend or a very close family member where I try to stay till the end.

Otherwise.

.

.

Yeah,

It kept the sprinkle because I wanted to be like,

This is important to them.

They're having a baby,

Right?

It has to be something where the.

.

.

It's obviously important to the person,

Right?

A wedding,

You could say an engagement party,

Whatever you were invited.

It's obviously important to them that you were there.

You got that one right.

Yay.

So you got 75.

Yeah,

It's like a C plus.

C.

C plus.

C.

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Hope you're enjoying your summer.

Stay hydrated and spiritually hungry.