Your Love & Happiness

Love and happiness. It doesn't have to be complicated. The focus is on "us." Are we walking towards what we really want? Sometimes we say we are, and we think we are - but we believe something else. Let's get our wishes and our beliefs working together. Becky Morrison can help with her book The Happiness Recipe. And - - Gary John Bishop will remind us that our relationships give us ample opportunity to work on OUR stuff. We can do this. Because we are deserving of love.

Transcript

This is Shine On,

The health and happiness show and Ella's Leash production.

Heard as a podcast around the world,

But heard first on radio stations 100.

7 WHUD-FM and 9,

20,

12,

60,

And 1420 AM.

All in New York's Hudson Valley.

Shine On,

Bringing you healers and dreamers and people who want to make life richer.

It's your time to shine on.

Hi it's Casey.

Thank you for tuning in to Shine On.

Today,

One of my favorite guests is back,

Gary John Bishop,

New York Times bestseller,

My salty Scottish relationship expert.

See how he moves and how he story Guess what?

He's out of work head back and full and what about making that healthy we had?

" Well,

I think he's not at all healthy and he's got knowledge and has a big office in New York and he has slotaddin the Scott coming up.

But first we are going to untangle your happiness with Becky Morrison.

She has a book called The Happiness Recipe.

You may have a wish,

A dream,

A desire,

A plan,

But then you spend all your time doing something else.

What's up with that?

Becky Morrison says it's all about our beliefs.

Do our beliefs support our dreams?

We could be saying one thing and doing another thing.

So today with The Happiness Recipe let's find out what matters most to us.

Becky's gonna ask you to write down everything that's on your plate right now.

I just did it.

Everything that's in my life.

I got my pets and my chickens and my radio show,

My podcast,

My circle of women.

I got the pantry,

The market and the boutique.

It sounds like a lot but maybe I just have a big plate.

Yeah that's it.

I just have a big plate.

Now most of the things on my plate bring me joy.

But do my beliefs support my dreams?

I know.

I know.

You're like I just want to lie down.

This is too much to think about.

But sit up because it is all about our beliefs and we're gonna be talking a lot about our beliefs in the coming weeks.

Because of the discrepancies.

Let's do a little digging and see if you believe in your dreams.

This is what Becky Morrison does.

She helps us build our happiness recipe.

In my work with people to help them live happier,

Lead happier and build happy businesses as a lawyer turned happiness coach,

I have found that there's sort of three things that get in the way of us executing on on our happiness recipe.

And one of those is that we either don't know or aren't willing to claim what matters most to us.

And so that's what that's about is sort of the willingness when we know what's really important to us,

What our priority is,

The willingness to take the next step and share that with the world through both our words and our actions.

Wow okay that just really registered for me.

There are many people on the planet who are disgruntled and frustrated and unsure and unhappy and maybe it's because they haven't said this is what I really want.

Why do people avoid getting in touch with their real desires?

I don't think it's that they avoid getting in touch with their real desires per se.

I think it's more that the world is not set up to encourage us to be in touch with our real desires.

And so we get hung up on what success should look like or what we should want to do or what should be most important to us.

And I'll take a really simple example,

You know like should work come first or should family come first?

I think the world has some pretty strong thoughts on that and then within the world different communities may have strong thoughts on that and then within the communities maybe our families have strong thoughts on that or our family of origin does.

And so it's not that we we don't want to be in touch with it but we're just not trained to be in touch with it and then it can be scary when we feel that what we want is different than what we're supposed to want.

Ah okay I'm having a recollection right now of being many years ago at the office Christmas party where the owner of the company stood up and said you know happy holidays everybody what's most important is the time you spend with your family.

Yep.

And it made a huge impact because it was coming out of the man's mouth who you know works us all pretty darn hard but kind of giving us permission and it was really a big aha like yeah that is what life is all about.

You know for me anyway you know family friends whatever and I felt like he gave me permission to accept that.

I don't know if you can answer this but what can we do to get closer to finding out what's best for us?

So I think the first the first step that I advise that people take in this sort of closing what I call the authenticity gap right getting in touch with what matters to you is actually not to think about what matters to you but to think about what's on your plate today.

In other words I say kind of full stock in a way that you can see it so written down of everything that you've got in your life that's taking your time and energy and resources and then when you have it in front of you you can start to look at well where where does my happiness come from where does my joy come from where is my contentment come from where do I get energy and what is draining my energy and then you can begin to think about how do you allocate that in a way and identify sort of the things that really matter most to you and then relieve some of the tension where you're saying one thing and doing another right I hear that a lot for my clients like they'll say but it doesn't matter which one but work is most important our home is most important but then they're not living that and so I think it's about getting into alignment with both what we believe what we want and then what we're saying what we want and then how we're living what we want.

Okay that just also registered to that we can say what's most important and and and just give it lip service and think this is where we're standing but really everything we do is the opposite of what we say is important.

Yeah and that can be a real source of tension and unhappiness for us and for the people around us because I mean we've all we all you can all think I'm sure of somebody in your life who says one thing and does another and that create you see the tension that that creates so the whole goal like I said is to bring it into alignment to be sort of saying claiming and living the same thing.

All right I bet saying claiming and living the same thing is going to cause a little anxiety huh?

Yeah no kidding.

Yeah absolutely and look I mean some of that just comes naturally from our nervous systems resistance to change right so you know when you're doing something new there is a very primitive part of your nervous system that is designed to keep you safe and we know it as the fight-or-flight response and that's going to bubble up and say whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa change is not cool I know how to keep you safe right here please don't move and so some of it is just recognizing that yeah when you when you take steps to do something different than you've done before and that can include naming and claiming what really matters to you it's going to be uncomfortable but the fact that it's uncomfortable doesn't mean that it's the wrong thing to do.

Right oh my gosh that is so true.

Becky Morrison is our guest the happy recipe a powerful guide to living what matters is her book check it out for the new year you have eight breakthrough behaviors that can bring more happiness into our life can you share those with us?

I can and I think you know that's just one piece but it's an important piece because that the belief piece is a piece that gets missed a lot and so I'll just run through the list really quick and then we you can tell me if you've got questions about them but the first is instead of borrowing trouble borrow joy the second is to develop a recipe of your essential sources of joy so that you can source joy at any time you want the third is to claim control the fourth is to actually feel all the feelings the fifth is to release guilt the sixth is to say no the seventh is to play with and develop some mantras that can keep you on track and the eighth is to enlist support and so that's just one chunk of my book but it's a it's powerful because again it's the piece that often we miss when we're trying to make change.

Right and what is this you say about belief that that's the cornerstone?

It's not the cornerstone I like to think of it as the bridge.

Okay.

So oftentimes what happens in our action-based society is we decide what we want and then we go right to executing on it without taking any time to think about whether we have the support of beliefs and feelings that will help us sort of execute in a lasting way.

So for example going back to my my simple example of you know work let's say I've decided work is most important but I've got all these societal messages and these beliefs from my family of origin that family really matters.

How do I execute on a work is most important strategy if I've got these beliefs that aren't in alignment with it so I'm going to need to shift my beliefs.

So I think about it as a really important sort of foundational bridge that we build to have supportive beliefs and feelings and the same could be true if you were doing a family first sort of top priority you might have beliefs around but in order to be successful I have to have this kind of job or work these kind of hours or be in this kind of situation or drive this kind of car and so you're gonna need to shift those beliefs to to support executing on what you really want.

Yeah shifting beliefs it's it's a lot it takes a lot.

It's not a little yeah you're right.

Yeah it takes a lot but you know what if you don't shift your belief you're gonna be looking at new year next year looking just the same as you're feeling right now.

You said earlier about building happier lives and businesses.

How do you how do you move this into the area of business?

About half my clients are people who either run small to medium-sized businesses so CEOs of small to medium-sized businesses or entrepreneurs and so I like to think about you know when we think about this kind of alignment on our personal level we can also think about it from a business perspective.

If we're working in running a business running a team we can think as a team about how to articulate what matters most to us and what beliefs we need to represent as a team and how we need to behave so that we're in alignment with that as a team and so there's a lot of layers to it but there's a lot of ways that you can use sort of the structure and the framework that I've got in my book kind of in a lot of different areas of your life including at work.

I like this I see bosses across the land you know putting up on the bulletin board in the lunch room here's what matters most right?

Yes.

Here's what matters most and here's what we believe as a team.

Yep.

All right.

Yep.

I'm gonna do that with my own team.

Becky Morrison thank you so much for your time where can we find out more?

So the quickest place and one-stop shop to find me is my website and that is untangle happiness dot com you can find all my social media links there you can find the links to the book there and learn more about what I do.

That's Becky Morrison and you're invited to spend a little more time with her because she is going to be our guest for our second Sunday zoom and that is the 13th of February at 11 o'clock.

She's gonna zoom in with us and you get to ask her any question you want and you also have a chance to win the book.

Find details at Casey's place dot com.

Speaking of beliefs I believe that every person on the planet could play a role in the adventures of Winnie the Pooh.

January 18th was national Winnie the Pooh day it was the anniversary of A.

A.

Milne's birth.

So think about Winnie the Pooh.

There's Winnie the Pooh.

There's Piglet.

There's Owl.

There's Eeyore.

There's Tigger and there's Christopher Robin.

Which one are you?

You're one of them.

I'm telling you right now.

I want to be Tigger but I don't think I'm Tigger.

I'd like to be more like Pooh but I'm probably part owl with a dash of Eeyore.

Do it.

It's fun.

Most of the people in your life can be one of those.

Most of the people.

And then there's some people's like they're more like something from the Brothers Grimm.

Betty White.

Mmm.

She was Pooh right?

She was Pooh.

Just always making the best of every moment.

So here's an important thing to note.

We have been living through the pandemic for two years.

Round about this time two years ago we first started to hear about what was going on in China.

The first COVID case in New York was March 1st of 2020.

And by now everybody knows somebody who's had COVID.

I think at one point just after the holidays I knew six or seven people all with Omicron variant.

And we all know of people who have lost their lives to the virus.

So I'm checking in now to remind you to do everything you can to take care of yourself.

Your mental health.

Your physical health.

The basics.

Drink more water.

Meditate.

Get some sleep.

Eat good food.

Exercise.

All of it.

More important than ever.

Watch movies that make you laugh.

Call a friend when you need some help getting through the day.

Yes we've had some windows of normalcy.

But for the most part everybody you meet has been changed by the pandemic and the stress of the pandemic.

So I'm just checking in on you.

I'm doing okay.

My whole life has a completely different rhythm.

I don't even think to make plans like,

What Broadway show am I gonna see this spring?

Or getting together with friends or going out to dinner?

Like the landscape of my life has changed dramatically.

I don't mind it but it has changed nonetheless.

And I think if you looked at your life you might find that the pandemic has changed things too.

How do you feel about that change?

What do you need to get more of in your life?

Just checking in.

And I know I'm super cautious.

I have friends going out to dinner,

Going to Broadway.

That's great.

Everybody's gonna do what they got to do.

But even if you're living your life the way you used to live your life,

This life that you're living now is not the same life you were living pre-COVID.

The feeling in the world is different.

The feeling in the world is different.

And even if you're all good,

This different feeling and all the things it brings with it,

Kids going on,

Remote learning,

Offices still being closed,

All the rules changing,

That is affecting you on some level.

Quarantine for five days or no ten days or no five days,

You know,

On some level it's affecting your nervous system.

So take care of you.

I'm gonna be checking on you.

Oh and by the way,

Thank you so much for every single email or like on a podcast post or anything like that because that has helped me through this time more than you can ever ever ever imagine.

And yes,

We are still hoping that by the end of February,

Last weekend in February,

We will be able to gather in person for the Gather Love,

Give Love weekend retreat at Marian Dale in Ossining.

Kacey'splace.

Com has more.

And now my loves,

We're gonna talk about love with one of my favorite guys,

Gary John Bishop.

Hi Kacey,

How are you?

Ah,

So happy to talk to you.

You're one of my favorite guests.

Thank you for being here and thank you for writing another book.

Yeah,

Yeah,

You're welcome.

It's amazing and here's the thing about this book,

It is disturbing because Love on F'd,

Getting Your Relationship Stuffed Together by Gary John Bishop,

It puts the focus,

As far as I can see,

On me,

Not them.

Is this true?

Well,

Yeah,

All great relationships begin with the one you have yourself.

So,

Included in that paradigm are sometimes,

In fact often,

Some painful truths.

Alright,

What are some of the painful truths we might uncover when we start to do this kind of work?

I'm reminded of that Tom Cruise quote,

Right,

When he found the love of his life and he said,

You complete me,

Right,

In that movie.

And I think there's an element of truth to that.

I think most relationships,

When you have that experience of falling in love with another,

What's at play here is that this person is now going to take care of whatever peace I feel is that's what's missing for me.

So,

The experience of being loved,

Of being connected,

Of being in a partnership,

Or being whatever that might be.

But all too often,

In relationships,

That missing piece actually never gets handled and becomes the battleground over which the relationship is then fought.

And stuff like,

You know,

I'm not enough,

I'm not good enough,

I don't trust,

I don't.

.

.

Those elements come up and get played out.

And whether we can see them all or not is one matter,

But the second matter really is,

If we do see them,

What do we do about that stuff?

And to really prepare ourselves and complete ourselves for what we're about to get into this thing called a loving partnership.

So,

When we find that person and we say they complete us,

That very same piece that they have that we want is going to be the piece that we're going to trip over later?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And it's funny because,

You know,

It seems like that should be the thing,

Right?

You should be,

I've met this person,

I have this experience of myself,

But that same kind of,

It's like a temporary fix.

It's like we've put that,

Inflated tire stuff in there,

It's not going to last.

It'll keep you going for a bit.

But that same little piece that we all have,

Like that little piece of ourselves,

It's not quite whole.

Like,

Whatever it might be,

It really isn't that person's job to take care of that for us.

It's up to us to get to the bottom of that,

To handle that,

To start to transform that,

Actually.

And so that we leave ourselves with the experience of wholeness and completeness and this ability to step into this thing that we're out to perpetuate with this person.

Wow.

Wow.

This is a lot.

Thank you for helping us through it.

I love what I read on the bottom of page 70.

Who do you want to be in your life and in your relationships?

In your relationship,

Make a deal with yourself to be that person,

Then manage whatever triggers or self sabotaging patterns you need to.

So it's up to us to decide who we want to be and then manage our own stuff.

Right.

So if you think of a relationship,

And I talk about the context of marriage in this book,

But if you think of relationship like an agreement.

So there's an agreement both spoken and unspoken in a love relationship.

Things you'll do,

Things you won't do,

And then of the unspoken ones.

But we never address who's making the agreement.

Like,

Have you made the agreement for yourself?

Can you manage you?

Can you deal with you when it doesn't go your way in the day to day of your relationship?

Have you handled the elements of yourself that will actually allow you to step in and authentically make that agreement with that other person?

And again,

Just across the board,

No,

We're not going in with our full deck,

If you like.

We're going in there a little underhanded,

A little sub-handed,

And then so we're going to go in there and we're going to make this agreement.

But actually,

I don't know if I can back it up.

I don't know if I can back this up when push comes to shove.

Right.

So the first thing you must do is make your agreement with yourself.

Wow,

I love this.

This is so amazing because,

You know,

When I talk to my girlfriends,

They start a lot of sentences with,

If my partner would only do this and if my partner would only do that.

That situation will never change.

Right?

You can't,

And the reason why it won't change is because you're basically asking someone else to be someone that they're not.

Now,

If you flip that,

You say,

Imagine being in a relationship with somebody who's not okay with you the way you are,

And they were asking you to be someone else,

Which sometimes you can make that request to people and they're like,

Yeah,

I mean,

I'll take that on.

But ultimately,

It comes down to the same thing.

Are you,

Are you,

If you're not okay with who they are and the way that they are and the way that they love and the way that they express themselves,

Then maybe the issue is a lot bigger than when you've maybe consettled.

But you can't be in a loving relationship with another human being and you're not settled with all that they are and all that they're not.

Right.

All that they are and all that they're not.

And there will be change within a relationship,

We hope.

We hope they'll continue to grow and they'll continue to grow.

How do you know when a relationship is hopeless?

Believe it or not,

Arguing is not a sign that it's hopeless,

Right?

Often,

Arguing is a sign that there are people in that thing who actually care about it.

So,

It's the opposite of that.

It's kind of like the apathy,

Like people are just shrugging their shoulders and just getting on with it.

I assert that every relationship is transformable,

All of them.

The question is,

Are you willing to deal with what's there such that some new opening can happen,

Some new,

Some new feature can arise.

And if you're not,

If you're hanging on to resentment and anger and frustration and you're unwilling to let that go,

Then that really is you're at the nut of the matter.

You're either going to let that go and it's no longer going to be a feature of your relationship or that thing,

Whatever that might be for you,

Is too precious to you and that you'll sacrifice the relationship for it.

Gary John Bishop,

You have been one of my greatest teachers,

I'm gonna tell you that.

You said one thing once in one of your books and I don't remember which one,

But you said,

Stop trying to fix yourself,

You're not a freaking chair or something like that.

Do you remember that?

That's right.

There's nothing in fact.

Yeah,

You have nothing in fact.

And if you get like everything that you are right now,

As it is,

Is whole and complete.

And what's next is what's there for you to explore.

We get fascinated with trying to fix rather than actually just let something be all that that is and explore whatever you think might be missing.

Explore that for yourself.

Like get out there and you know,

As I like to say to people,

You know,

You've been given the key to the Lamborghini,

You know,

Turn the lights on,

Let's ride this thing.

So I'm whole and complete right now,

But I'm not perfect and the number one thing I should work on if I want to be in a relationship with someone else is?

So it's actually dealing with whatever about yourself you're not okay with.

So when I say deal with it,

I mean you actually have to acknowledge it.

You actually have to stop having other people try to fix that for you or fill the gap in for you to acknowledge the impact of it,

The damage that that thing does.

When you pursue that,

That is,

I'm not loved,

I'm not wanted,

I'm not smart enough,

I'm not good enough.

You have to stop putting other people on the hook for whatever that might be that's driving you.

Beautiful.

Just one last question.

How did you learn this stuff?

Through a plethora of different avenues.

I started doing personal development work about 15-16 years ago at the workshop here and conversations there and the more that I got into it,

It was just one of those things where I met it at a time in my life where it just made sense to me.

Like it was the first time in my life actually I'd experienced that I made sense to myself and it just sent me on this pathway of uncovering and discovering and reading and understanding and connecting some of the dots at a personal level and you know it's my life's mission to give that away now.

Gary John Bishop.

You can find him everywhere.

I'm so glad he was here with us today to shine on.

And our thought for the day is from Gary John Bishop who said,

You are 100% responsible for what you do with your life.

Shazam.

You've been listening to shine on the health and happiness show for your entertainment only.

Shine on.