From Broken To Badass With Courtney Violet Bentley

Courtney Violet Bentley, host of Fit, Fierce, and Fabulous Podcast wrestled with anorexia, bulimia, and a toxic "lack of" mentality after losing her father and grandfather. When her grandmother died, she decided enough was enough and challenged herself to find joy in life, rediscovering her body, her spirit, and her personal power.

Transcript

Well,

Welcome to the show,

Courtney.

I'm so excited to have you here.

Per your intro,

I know that loss is a part of your story,

A part of your podcast,

But I would love for you to tell us exactly what your loss story is and then how it's impacted your life today.

Sure.

I actually have three mini loss stories,

Unfortunately.

But when I was a little girl,

My father was diagnosed with kidney cancer.

So as a young girl,

I had to deal with running back and forth from the hospital and not really being sure what's going on because I was so young.

And that whole thing where it's just a slow deterioration and one day the man that used to take you to karate class and take you for McDonald's is gone.

And I grew up with an amazing mother and a great support system of my grandma and my grandpa.

And I always felt a lack of through my entire life.

There was a lack of that feeling of not having enough,

That that emotion of not being enough was kind of my whole story.

Later on in life,

I lost my grandfather.

And with that loss,

We found out a lot of dark secrets about him and living a double life.

And my poor grandma,

Who'd always been there for me,

Which was my dad's mom,

Watching her basically crumble and just watching her get her strength back to be strong again after learning that my grandfather lived a double life and had another girlfriend.

And it was like a whole dramatic thing.

And then later on in life,

I lost that same grandma.

And that was very recent,

Actually,

Last year.

And in each one of those lessons with the men,

My dad and my grandpa,

I learned mindset of lack of in my life.

And when my grandmother passed away last year,

I had this mindset of I need to figure out what I'm lacking in my life so that I can start having more fun so I can live a life that I look back on and I'm like,

Damn,

I did some cool stuff.

So up until this point,

I had this lifestyle of lack of.

I'm not enough on Instagram.

I'm not enough to be a great coach.

I'm not enough to have a great online presence.

And then my grandmother passed away and I was like,

F that.

I am enough.

I need to start having more fun.

I need to start playing more.

I need to get out in my life and explore and see things.

And in the last year,

I've gone to New York,

New Hampshire,

Cabo,

Launched a podcast,

Doubled my income with my business because now I feel like I'm worth the money.

I'm worth putting myself out there.

And I've just completely had a different look on life because of the cycle that I've experienced.

So talk about living in not enough.

What does that feel like for you?

Well,

Growing up,

I danced.

I was a ballerina.

And wow.

Yeah.

So my entire life I danced until I was 16 and boys seemed more interesting.

I was like screw practicing and waking up at 8 a.

M.

On Saturday morning.

I want to go out and party and have fun.

And I started liking boys and obviously I didn't have a father figure.

So I didn't really know what that relationship looked like.

And as a young teenage girl,

I mean,

We all go through it.

We start comparing ourselves to other people.

We start looking around and seeing,

You know,

I'm not thin enough.

My curves aren't good enough.

My hair is not straight enough.

I mean,

All of these thoughts and feelings happen to most girls at a young age,

Like 13 years as they're going through puberty.

And for me,

It just tumbled down to a whole other level.

And I ended up having a really severe eating disorder.

And when I say severe eating disorder,

I mean a disorder where I needed to feel like I was in control because I didn't feel like I was enough.

Because I felt so much lack in my life,

I had to take control some way.

And that way was through my food,

Because that was one thing that no matter what anybody did or said,

I could control that.

So I became bulimic and anorexic and I would starve myself.

I would work out after every time I ate something.

I would purge.

I would eat.

I would purge.

And then at 19,

I became vegan and I wasn't vegan for the right reasons.

I was vegan because I thought that it would help me lose weight quicker.

And it also gave me a stand where I could take control.

So I could go out to eat and I could be like,

Oh,

I'm vegan.

I can't eat anything here.

And it also gave me an excuse and a way out of eating food.

And it gave me a way out of social situations.

And it gave me a way out of a million different things.

It wasn't until I actually met my now husband who empowered me through exercise.

And that was a huge transition for me in my life.

And having his love and having him tell me I was enough really helped me and put me in the right direction.

Now,

I still had some other lack of in terms of finances,

Lack of in terms of this whole social media world we live in now,

Which changed after my grandmother passed.

But for the most part,

My bulimia came out and I'm able to comfortably speak about it because I was able to empower my body through movement and exercise.

So that is kind of my dealio and where everything stems from.

I'm interested in if moving your body kind of harkened back to your earlier days as a dancer or if you feel like now the movement feels totally different in your body.

How is that?

How is that helping you come back and how did it empower you?

Was it different?

Was it the same as movement like your inherent,

I don't want to call it a coping mechanism,

But like your go to?

It is.

So I loved weights.

And it wasn't just dance or cardio or like spending hours and hours on the treadmill or doing like 500 sit ups or 600 squats or whatever,

You know,

Is popular on Pinterest.

It was lifting weight and to lift weight that's heavier than myself and to know that I could do a pull up and to know that I could squat 200 pounds,

Knowing that I could deadlift a person out of the building if I had to,

That I could leg press 300 pounds.

Being able to do those things is empowering for a little lady who's 5'1 and didn't have like a male figure in her life to help raise her.

Like I mean,

I don't know if I can cuss on this podcast,

But I feel like I'm the shit.

Like I'm a badass.

You know,

Being able to do those things just,

It lights you up,

Especially as a female.

I feel like it just lights you up in such a like dominant way because as females,

We're usually not the dominant figure.

We're usually nurturing and caring and we're always willing to give up ourselves to help someone else.

But when I lift,

I feel empowered and I feel strong and I feel like no one can hurt me or no one can take anything away from me.

And that feeling is so,

It's just magnificent.

And I love it.

And I love teaching other women to feel that way too.

And it sounds like something that you can tap into for yourself.

When I walk into the gym,

It's not about getting skinny.

It's not about losing another inch on my waist.

You know,

Fortunately working out and moving my body and exercising that way has shaped my body.

And I love my strong body and I think it looks beautiful.

And that's been the pro of putting myself into those workouts.

But really stepping into the gym is for my head.

And I think that's where a lot of people get the notion wrong.

They're like,

Oh,

I just want to go to the gym so I can get a bigger butt.

And I'm like,

Why don't you just go to the gym to create that space and that time of empowerment and empowering your body for that 40 minutes or hour or whatever.

Think of it that way.

When we think of it that way,

It becomes fun.

It becomes a challenge.

It becomes whatever you want to make it,

A performance.

It doesn't become about losing weight.

I'm really curious to know the story of when you discovered or how you discovered that lack of was your story.

When did I discover that?

Okay,

Crazy story.

You ready for this?

Absolutely.

So I've been into psychics and tarot cards and all that for forever.

I don't even know.

I was meditating before I even knew what meditating was.

And I went to this lady.

She was at this,

God,

It was like a spiritual metaphysical store.

And every Saturday she was there.

And I went in and she told me that my biggest fear in life was death.

And I know that sounds really weird,

But she said,

Your biggest fear in life is death and you feel like you're on a stopwatch.

She said,

Turn off the stopwatch and stop feeling like you're going to die.

And it was weird because I started crying and then I went home and I wrote in my journal and I wrote,

Why do I feel like I'm not enough?

I don't even know how those two relate to each other.

Like saying it,

I'm like,

How does that even work in my head?

But it did.

In that moment,

It was like,

Where do I feel like I'm not enough?

And then again,

It came up again.

I had a friend,

I was working as a waitress and someone gave me like 10 bucks for a beer.

Like their beer was like $5 and they gave me $10 tip.

And I was like really excited.

And my girlfriend goes,

He should have given you a 20.

And I was like,

What?

I was like,

No,

This is awesome.

This is 10 bucks for a beer.

Like I barely did anything.

And she was like,

You should always expect more.

And then I was kind of like,

Huh?

I'm like,

Why do I not think bigger?

And that kind of like shifted things for me too.

And it's kind of weird,

Like saying the stories are kind of like,

Wait,

What?

But it's just sometimes little things that happen to you and you're kind of like,

Wait,

Wait a minute,

I'm supposed to think bigger.

I'm supposed to want more.

I'm supposed to feel like I deserve more than I'm worthy of more.

And so I think just like little things like that,

I felt like the universe was kind of nudging me and like,

Okay,

Courtney,

Like you need to step up your game and like feel like you are a powerful person and that you can make an impact and feel like you're worthy of making moves in life and that you don't have to just feel stuck all the time.

You don't feel like you always have to feel like you're not enough or pretty enough or strong enough or good enough or whatever.

So I think it was just like little things like that that just kind of kept happening and it just kind of started getting me to question myself.

How did you wake up to coming back from the losses you'd experienced and this mentality of there is not enough in my life,

I don't have enough?

What kind of sparked that process for you?

Well,

What really shifted things for me is the man I'm married to now,

I call him Mr.

B.

I met him.

I love that,

That's so sweet.

I call him Mr.

B.

I met him and he took me – he loves the gym,

He loves to work out,

He's like a bodybuilder by hobby,

Not by profession,

Just what he loves to do.

And of course,

You know,

When you like a guy,

What do you do?

You're kind of like all of a sudden you're into UFC when you could care less about it before.

And all of a sudden you're like,

Oh,

I love working out and lifting weights before you had no interest in it.

But he took me to the gym and we started lifting together and I was super into Pilates at this point.

I was getting my Pilates certification and I was like so afraid to lift weights,

So afraid to grab like the five-pound weight.

I was like,

Oh my God,

I'm going to get gross looking,

I'm going to get bulky.

And he was like,

Listen,

Just – he's like for a few weeks,

Why not try it?

He's like what's the worst that happens?

Go back to your old ways if you don't like the way you start to look or whatever.

So I was like,

I liked him.

That was like kind of – I think the catalyst was that I was like falling in love with this guy.

So I was like,

Okay,

I'll try it.

And the next thing you know,

I'm lifting weights and I'm loving it and I'm looking in the mirror and I'm just like,

Wow,

I feel amazing right now.

I feel empowered.

I feel strong.

I feel like I can take this confidence,

This newfound confidence that I'm getting and start taking things to another level in my life,

Going for that job interview that I really want,

Getting my personal training certification because I want to help other people.

It just started giving me the confidence to take small steps forward.

It wasn't like a giant leap that I took.

It was just little by little,

I started taking these steps that amped up my confidence and amped up my feeling of worthiness in the world.

And showing that I have a purpose here on this planet and that I am enough to actually serve my purpose on this planet.

And literally it was just little steps,

Little things that I kept doing that made me feel more empowered.

And each day that I went to the gym was that small step for me.

Kaitlin Luna I love that.

And where were your loved ones in your mind during this whole process?

Did they come up for you at all?

Kaitlin Luna Oh,

Always.

Whenever I would go into one of my bulimia spells,

I would always see my dad passing away or I would always see a painful scene.

And then a few years into my growth of becoming this personal trainer and training other women and gaining confidence,

I saw a Reiki healer.

And this Reiki healer did some healing on me.

And she put her hand over my heart and she's like,

It feels like your heart's in a dungeon.

And we started talking and she was like,

I feel like there's something in your past that you never faced.

And she told me that I needed to revisit and go back to this place where I was a little girl watching my dad pass away and forgive all of that.

And let all that go.

Kaitlin Luna Holy crap.

Kaitlin Luna Yeah.

And- Kaitlin Luna That's big.

I'm feeling that over here right now.

It's huge,

Like a stone is sinking right in the middle of your chest.

Because it was not,

You're like,

Why would I even do that to myself?

Kaitlin Luna Yeah.

It was literally like,

I couldn't breathe after she said that.

Like I still,

It still gives me chills because it was so pivotal in my life.

She's like,

The reason that you feel lack of and not worthy and the reason that you're not taking that leap is because you haven't gone back to that place and forgiven your dad for passing and forgiven,

You know,

And seeing that it happened for you and not to you.

I think that's a big one is that she,

When she said that to me,

She said,

It's not happening to you,

It's happening for you.

And this experience is going to help you serve other people and help you help other people.

And when she said that,

It like light bulbs and lightning bolts came out of my head.

And it was just like,

Wow.

So she helped me through going back to that place,

Taking me back to from the fine detail of what outfit I was wearing when he passed away to the last thing I said to him,

She took me back to that scene.

And going back to that place was really hard.

I won't lie.

But doing it really took me from,

You know,

Taking small steps to big steps and not being afraid and not feeling like I was being weighed back.

It like it took those rocks out of my heart,

You know,

It just let me move forward.

I think there's a big power in in going back and resolving what was left unresolved or or facing what we have yet to face.

Yes,

Because it's so easy.

I actually I had someone tell me this that it's like flexing a muscle,

It becomes so easy to just push the pain down,

Push the pain away.

And something that happens to you when you're so little.

I mean,

You don't understand it.

Like when someone passes away,

When you're an adult,

You may have questions,

But you can grasp the fact that people pass away.

You can grasp the fact that people get sick and it's sad and it sucks,

But it happens and you understand it.

But when you're little,

You don't understand.

Like you still think your teacher lives at school.

Like I remember thinking my teacher lived under her desk.

Like,

I mean,

You just the reality of death is just not there at that age.

So I think that I just kept shoving it down and that I really needed to kind of face it again as an adult,

Understanding that death happens and there's a grieving process and,

You know,

Time heals all,

But it's still there and it still hurts and it's still painful sometimes.

And just facing that moment again was pivotal in my life because I would have probably till this day kept shoving it down,

Shoving it down,

Shoving it down.

And it would have been one of those things that kept holding me back.

Where is your relationship with death right now?

Because I know that was one of the first things that psychic said to you is you were afraid of dying.

And even going back to this place where your dad was dying is a scary as hell place to go back to.

Oh,

Yeah.

Where does death fit into the picture of your life right now?

How do you see it?

I don't,

I'm not afraid of it anymore because I'm living a life that I'm,

That if I died tomorrow,

I would feel like I've done what I'm supposed to do on this planet.

And I feel like that I,

Because after my grandmother passed away last year and I've just been saying yes more,

Saying yes to adventure,

Saying yes to having another glass of wine sometimes and just living a life,

An actual life and not being restricted and not,

Not doing this,

You know,

Weird restriction thing I was always doing most of my life.

It's been so freeing and I'm in such a happy and great place now that I'm not afraid to die anymore.

Cause I think before I was always afraid to die because I felt like there was so much I hadn't done and so much that I hadn't experienced.

I'm interested in talking about where you see not just death,

But lack of,

Or your own personal story coming in when you work with your clients today.

Like how do you see them as a mirror of you and how do you walk them through it?

Oh,

This happens time and time again.

I meet so many women who have a lack of confidence.

They've had either a bad breakup with a long-term boyfriend that has made them feel like they're not pretty enough or deserving enough to have another man in their life.

I have worked with women who,

It always comes down to that.

Whether it's like each person's story is unique to them.

Each path that we all walk is unique to our life path.

But the lack of is there.

Like 90% of the time with the women that I meet who have weight loss struggles,

It's never that they don't know that eating cookies at midnight is not a good idea.

That's never the thing.

Me telling them to stop eating processed food and stop eating cookies every day is not revolutionary to them.

That's not the issue.

The issue is that they're not empowered enough in their own body to love where they're at at that moment and to move forward with new healthy tools and lifting weights and feeling great and confident.

With me,

I always most of the time start my clients with just lifting.

We just start lifting.

They start feeling more confident in their life,

Whether it's asking for a raise at work or it's going on a date with a guy that they just met.

It's living their life because they have a little bit more confidence.

Then the food kind of just falls into place,

I find.

A lot of times they just start working out and they're like,

I want to feel a little better.

Maybe I should eat more vegetables.

I want to feel stronger in the gym.

Maybe I need to look at how much protein I'm eating.

It all just kind of falls into place once they start taking care of themselves and just feeling better about who they are and how they're presented in the world.

I feel like that's a huge thing too.

It's like you are worthy enough to go get your nails done.

You are worthy and strong enough to go ask for a raise at work.

You deserve it.

Things like that.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

It's like it starts with them.

It does.

Then it also helps,

I think what I'm hearing from your story too,

To have somebody in your life to literally stand in front of a mirror with you and say,

Look how strong you are.

I always make my clients do this exercise.

It's standing naked in a mirror and telling themselves that they love themselves.

Literally butt naked,

In a mirror,

Looking at yourself down the aisle and saying,

I love you is one of the most empowering things that you can do.

It's like I've heard stories of girls crying.

I've heard stories of girls laughing.

I've heard stories where women have turned on music and started dancing naked because they just felt so good.

There's so many emotions that come out when you do something like that because so many times you don't want to look at yourself in the mirror.

You don't want to put on a dress because you're scared you look big.

You don't want to hide yourself because you don't feel like you're pretty enough.

There's just so many things that happen when you have a lack mentality.

I want to touch on two more resources that I know we talked about pre-recording and that is your friend Michelle and a book that you read that kind of called you to come back as well in addition to starting to move your body and meeting your husband.

I want you to touch on both of those.

Oh yeah.

When I was living in Cabo San Lucas and I was still battling my bulimia,

I was working out.

I was eating healthy but I still had something in my mindset that just was not getting me out of my cycle.

It's a habit.

It's really a habit that I had to break because it just was so natural for me,

The purge cycle that it was like if I didn't do it one day,

It was almost like not drinking water.

It was just part of my routine.

I went and saw this lady Michelle and she was someone that I met.

She had a vision board workshop.

We did this vision board workshop and I sat down with her and I was just talking to her and she was like,

Why don't you come have a session with me and talk to me.

I think you need to talk to someone.

I was like,

No,

No,

I'm fine.

She's like,

It's on me.

Just come and talk to me.

I was like,

Okay.

I went to talk to her and literally just all these emotions came out.

I'm still bulimic and I'm putting this front out on YouTube that I'm this healthy person and I'm really not.

I have this problem.

It was just this whole thing and she really helped me.

I was already kind of meditating and I knew what it was,

But she helped me learn how to come back to myself and she helped me learn to use affirmations to get out of my habit.

What are some of your favorite ones?

I love my body.

I'm strong.

I love my body.

I'm strong.

I love my body.

I'm strong.

Another one was I'm better than this.

I'm better than this.

So whenever I would want to purge,

I would just say I'm better than this because I am better than that.

But at the time,

I just needed a phrase that I could keep repeating in my head that would help me realize what I was doing and break the habit because like I said,

It was becoming a habit.

I knew it wasn't good for me.

I knew that working out and eating a healthy diet was the way to go,

But like I said,

It was a habit.

So she helped me break the habit cycle.

And then a book that I read when I lived in Thailand and I was having a really hard time adjusting to the new life was Gabby Bernstein's May Cause Miracles.

And she's just such a light on this planet.

I love that lady.

She has no idea the big impact she's made on my life as well as many others.

But that book really helped me see that there are stories that we tell ourselves in our head and you can change that story.

And by changing that story,

You can shift your perspective on your life and what is happening in your life.

And instead of seeing everything as a negative thing,

You can start to shift your perception and see the good,

The light.

And once you start seeing all the good that's around you,

I feel like more good comes into your life.

So those are the two things.

That's lovely.

And I love both of those resources as well for you because I think that,

Again,

Having that person to stand in the mirror and say,

Look how strong you are.

I talked on one of the earlier episodes I did of the podcast,

I believe it was episode seven,

About a concept called spiritual bypassing,

Where we use spiritual affirmations like,

Like focus on the good,

Or this must all be me working out my karma or everything happens for a reason.

It's on the divine plan to literally bypass the pain that we feel when events happen.

How do you keep yourself from bypassing the pain and actually allowing yourself to feel the pain and then bring in those spiritual tools?

So I have two things I do.

I have a trampoline in my room.

I love this response.

I was not expecting this.

Yeah.

I love it.

Yeah.

So I have my rebounder.

It's called a rebounder.

But for those who don't know what a rebounder is,

It's basically a tiny little trampoline.

It just takes a little corner of my room.

And if I start getting frustrated or I start,

You know,

Feeling emotional about something or emotions start coming back to me,

I kind of take five deep breaths.

Five is usually my number.

And then I start bouncing on my trampoline.

And when you bounce on a trampoline,

You can't help but laugh.

I mean,

It just brings so much joy into you that I feel like if I know that that's there,

So if I have to go back and like right now I'm actually doing a course to learn how to do like a TEDx talk.

And yeah,

So I had to go back to my story.

I had to relive my story.

That was one of the exercises.

So I went outside under the moonlight,

Which I love the moon,

And I sat there and I sat with a piece of paper,

Let all those feelings out.

And then when I was done and I knew I was done writing,

I just had the – you know,

You just know when you're done.

You're like,

I'm done.

I went upstairs and bounced on my trampoline for a few minutes and started laughing.

And I realized,

You know what,

That's my story.

I'm here to serve with that story.

But you know,

I can't let it drain me and I can't let it stop me from being happy.

Literally moving energy.

Yeah.

And I'm telling you,

If anyone's listening,

If you bounce on a trampoline,

You will laugh.

Like it's just guaranteed.

I just absolutely love this.

That was so not the answer I was expecting and I'm very happy about that.

I want to know now,

Thinking back to your previous losses,

The mentality of lack,

And then thinking about your life today,

When you hold up these two pictures to each other,

How is your life different now and where does loss come into your story today when it happens again?

Now I see life a lot differently.

So before I just always felt like something was pounding me down and I wasn't ever going to be able to climb out of the hole.

And now I see it as this is happening for me,

Not to me.

It's okay to grieve.

It's okay to be sad.

It's okay to go through the process.

And I think it's completely healthy to go through the process.

It's having the tools to get yourself back on your feet,

Get your ass in gear and empower your body,

Empower your mind and get back into living.

And we're so blessed to be on this planet living.

And if you let things like a divorce or a death or a business closing down stop you from doing that,

Then you need to get either professional help,

You need to read a book,

You need to seek an answer,

You need to find a coach and get yourself out of it because that's not living your life.

Being stuck in misery is just weighing you down from being the bright shining star that you're meant to be.

Yeah,

That's a great mentality to end on.