Dear Grief Guide, I'm Terrified Of Future Losses

Ever since the sudden death of their best friend, a letter-writer is constantly thinking about who will die next. I read their anonymous letter and then offered them practical tools and compassionate wisdom for growing through their grief.

Dear Grief Guide is a weekly advice podcast where I answer anonymous letters from people feeling lost, stuck, or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

Music © Adi Goldstein, Used with Permission

Trigger Warning: This practice may include references to death, dying, and the departed.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Dear Grief Guide,

A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost,

Stuck,

Heartbroken,

Or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

My name is Shelby Forsythia.

I'm a grief coach and author,

And I'm here to help you create a life you love from the life loss forced you to live.

Let's get to today's letter.

Dear Grief Guide,

I'm struggling with overwhelming anxiety and paranoia since losing my best friend in a tragic car accident.

The fear of losing other loved ones,

Suddenly or otherwise,

Has consumed me to the point where it's affecting my daily life.

Right now,

I'm sitting in a library,

Anxiously awaiting my partner's return from a routine colonoscopy.

He has Crohn's disease,

So this procedure is a regular part of his healthcare routine.

However,

My mind is flooded with worst-case scenarios,

Fearing that the doctors will find something serious,

Like colon cancer,

And that he'll be taken from me.

This irrational fear has a near-constant hold on my mind and body,

Making it hard to breathe or focus on anything else.

I don't think I've felt joy or peace since before my best friend died,

And every time my partner leaves the house my mind races with terrifying possibilities.

I'm paralyzed by the thought that he might not come back.

I haven't shared these fears with him because I don't want to add to his worries,

But keeping them bottled up only intensifies my anxiety.

I feel trapped in a cycle of fear and panic,

Unable to break free from the grip of these persistent thoughts.

I am so,

So afraid of experiencing future losses.

I am desperately seeking guidance on how to cope and regain a sense of control,

Or even peace again.

I know I can't control the future,

And I certainly can't control when or how the people around me die,

But I worry about it all the time.

Any support or advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Anxiety Ridden to Death.

Okay,

Anxiety.

The first thing I have to tell you is that I am not a mental health professional.

I am but a mere grief coach,

So please take everything I am about to say with all the grains of salt that you have available to you.

First,

I need to validate for you that what you are experiencing is very normal and very natural.

Your brain is ruminating on who's gonna die next,

Who's gonna die next,

Who's gonna die next,

Who's gonna die next.

It's like world's worst record player because we are wired to protect ourselves from future pain,

From future losses.

Your brain is telling you the story that you might genuinely die if you experience the shock or intensity of more heartache,

Whatever that looks like.

Your body and your mind are doing what they think are best to protect you in a world where loss has taught you very distressingly,

Very upsettingly,

If that's a word,

That anything can happen at any time.

And I do not want to downplay the weight and the fear that that induces,

Especially with sudden or traumatic losses like a tragic accident.

I hear you.

This is real.

You are not crazy.

These are all things I need to say.

Of course,

This is how your brain is responding to your best friend's death.

The second thing I need to tell you is if you can access resources of any kind,

These are the ones that I've got in my pocket to offer you today.

First,

If you can tell somebody other than me about what you're feeling,

It doesn't have to be your boyfriend,

But a grief group,

A therapist,

A spiritual director,

A death doula,

These are all people who in different facets are trained in something called,

And you may not have heard this term before,

Mortality anxiety,

Or anxiety about the fact that you will die,

He will die,

I will die,

We will all die one of these days,

And the side effects that come with this anxiety hindering your daily life.

I always want to acknowledge that therapy works,

But it doesn't necessarily work for everybody,

Which is why I want to lay out this buffet of other options.

Grief groups,

Spiritual directors,

If you are part of a religious or spiritual community,

Death doulas,

These are people who are trained in marvelous ways to walk you through and to process with you and to help your brain process what it means to be afraid of the next loss in your life.

They can all,

In their own ways,

Help you focus on what you can control,

Which you mention in your letter,

What's within your power,

And also find meaningful,

Powerful,

Helpful ways to release what you can't.

And what I also want to say about this is,

Oh my goodness,

Is this a practice?

I remember so vividly after my mother's death,

I was 21 when she died,

We got about a week's notice that she wasn't going to make it,

She died in a week,

And for me that was sudden and tragic.

I know a lot of people refer to sudden and tragic as they were here one minute and gone the next,

Things like car accidents,

Suicide,

Other forms of tragedy,

Natural disasters,

And also the more I reflect on the grief I feel and the loss I experienced,

I have begun to label my mother's death as sudden,

Because I did not have time to process the fact that she was going to die in the time that we had with her before her death.

So that's a soft segue to what I'm saying is,

I was 21 when she died,

Her death was extraordinarily sudden,

It was my first and my worst loss that I have ever faced and will remain so,

I think,

Forever.

And I remember dating people,

Because I was in my early 20s,

I was not married at the time that she died,

Dating people and for about,

I'd say like 2-5 years after her death,

When I would meet somebody for a first date,

One of the first thoughts that would appear in my mind is,

Huh,

I wonder if we get together for a long time,

Maybe we'll even get married,

I wonder when they're going to die,

And how they're going to die,

And which one of us is going first.

Like the thought of,

Every time I met a new person,

When are you going to die,

When are you going to leave me,

When is it going to repeat itself,

The pain of this,

When will I see that pain and meet that pain again,

I remember that being very vivid,

Very much a part of my regular programming,

My regularly scheduled programming on the TV station in my brain was,

Who's going to die next,

And when.

I remember being terrified that my father was going to die after my mother's death,

I realized people could die,

I knew it logically,

But I had just experienced it physically,

Mentally,

Spiritually,

Emotionally,

All of the above,

So I was terrified that he was going to die.

I have had seasons where I've been very afraid that my sister was going to die,

My friends were going to die,

And I did have my best friend die recently,

So what I want to validate is that this is very normal,

And there are still thoughts of this that pop up in my brain now and then,

Especially in great seasons of stress or illness,

Or times when someone is hurting,

That I can only help so far.

But I think the difference between the two of us is that there is space in my brain for a lot of other things right now too,

And I think that's what you're going for.

I don't know that I can guarantee you that you will never have these thoughts again,

I don't think that grief works like that,

I think that almost everybody I've ever spoken to whose grieving has mentioned or made mention of the fact that,

Yeah,

I kind of wonder now when people around me are going to die,

It's a part of my life,

I know it can happen because it happened once,

Or it happened twice,

Or it happened five times,

So I know for sure it can happen again,

I just don't know when.

But the weight of it being a constant and an unending,

Kind of a,

For lack of better phrasing like a bully,

Something that is tormenting you,

That is terrifying you,

That is holding you hostage,

That is what I want you to be able to process in a safe place with people who know what it's like to have mortality anxiety.

So I hope you'll reach out for or search for those resources in your area,

Or even online,

Because so many grief support things happen online these days.

And then the last resource I want to offer you is a book,

If you're able to read right now,

Or even listen to an audiobook,

I love listening to things when I'm grieving,

Like podcasts,

Because reading words sometimes is simply too hard for my brain.

There's a wonderful book by Claire Bidwell Smith called Anxiety,

The Missing Stage of Grief.

And it is a primer on anxiety's role,

And all the ways that it shows up in grief,

Both in mortality anxiety,

Being anxious about your death or the deaths of other people around you,

Experiencing future losses,

But also how anxiety shows up in other ways,

Because it does,

It kind of,

It's kind of like one of those Play-Doh extruders,

And you press down too hard,

You experience some great loss,

And it causes a lot of pressure.

And then anxiety just comes out left,

Right and sideways,

In all these ways,

Sometimes that you can anticipate and sometimes that you can't.

So this is a wonderful book for reckoning with the weight of anxiety and anxiety being a factor in your grief.

I truly hope that all of these things are helpful.

I am sending you so much love and so much breath and ease,

I know breath is so hard when you have anxiety.

And I hope that you can find a way,

And I trust that you can,

For anxiety to be much more of a companion,

A member of your household,

Than the force that is holding you and your life hostage right now.

Because what a hell that is to live in.

There is no joy there,

There is no peace there,

There is no contentedness,

There's not even room for boredom.

It is just relentless circling and ruminating and wondering and worrying.

And that's a really hard life to live.

So I see you,

I acknowledge everything that you're going through right now,

And I am hoping that soon I will hear back from you with a different signature,

Perhaps instead of anxiety ridden to death,

Maybe making peace with anxiety,

Or finding a place for anxiety.

I hope you'll write back.

Good luck.