Stop People Pleasing

Welcome to today's adventure. In this lesson, we'll explore the landscape of people-pleasing and uncover where it truly begins. Grab a pen and paper—you'll use them during this practice.

At the root of people-pleasing is our deep human need for connection. As social mammals, our brains are wired to seek belonging because, throughout evolution, connection meant safety and survival. Think of a lizard basking alone on a rock. It doesn't crave companionship because its brain is built primarily for basic survival. We share that ancient survival system, but we also have a highly developed neocortex—the part of the brain that allows us to connect, empathize, communicate, and build relationships. Because connection is so important to the human brain, we often learn behaviors that help us preserve it, even at our own expense.

By understanding why people-pleasing develops, you'll begin replacing self-criticism with self-awareness—the first step toward changing the pattern.

Transcript

Hello and welcome. In today's adventure, You'll be touring the landscape of people-pleasing. You'll need a pen and paper. You can pause the recording if you need to. But let's start with a centering practice. So come into connection with yourself in a really genuine and sweet way. Bring one hand softly over your heart center, The center of your chest, And the other hand resting softly on top. Bring your attention to your breath and breathe to my count. I'll start at six and if you need shorter or longer, Please adjust for yourself accordingly. Make your breath smooth and slow as best you can. Exhale everything you have and inhale 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Exhale 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Inhale 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 4, 5, 6. Inhale, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Exhale, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Great. Bring your attention down to your heart space and repeat after me. I am here. I am home. I am here. I am home. I am here. I am home. I am here. I am home. I am here. I am home. Deep breath in. Slow breath out. The roots of people pleasing is connection. Connection is a deep primal need that we have as social animals with mammalian brains. The mammal brain was designed for connection. Take lizards, For example. They don't seek connection. They're perfectly happy basking in the sun on a rock all by themselves. They don't travel in packs or groups. They have lizard brains. We have a lizard part of our brain, Too. It's the lower section. And its job is to handle really basic body functions like breathing, Balance, Coordination, Simple survival urges like eating, Mating, Et cetera. But unlike lizards, We also have a higher part of the brain called the neocortex that not just desires but requires interaction with others. The fear of losing this connection can manifest in various ways. See if any of these resonate for you. So there are mental effects like the anxiety of trying to guess what others want you to be. Anticipating. Energy constantly going out, Spike in cortisol, The fear of not being enough. And then there are, Of course, Physical effects. Sometimes we can shrink, Not take up space, Can get really small and maybe even taken advantage of. Also, You might forego your own needs and put them on the back burner. Poor sleep can happen. Again, There's a cortisol increase with anxiety. Really disturbs the sleep schedule. Or maybe you worked longer than you wanted to because you wanted to please your boss or perhaps you drank too much. More caffeine to keep your energy going so you could work longer. And then there are emotional effects like self-abandonment. The loss of identity, Like what version will show up to this situation, Event, Appointment, Date? What version of me will be present? Maybe you conform by being someone that you're not or align with someone else's values. This is a big one. Like going to a church that you don't even vibe with, Or taking a political stance you don't believe in, Or eating things that you don't like. Did any of this ring true for you? I'm sure it did. I think we've all had experience with abandoning our values, Likes and dislikes, Etc. Me included. It's when it goes out of balance that suffering ensues. The practice today will be simple movement, A writing activity, And visualization. So in your seated position, And you can do this sitting on the ground, Cross-legged, Kneeling. You can do this sitting in a chair. Start by just circling your torso slowly like you're stirring a big pot of soup while being careful not to spill anything out over the sides. And now go in the opposite direction. Come back to stillness and roll your shoulders backwards. And forwards. Relax your shoulders, Turn your head to the left and right a few times. And look up and down a few times. Make some small circles with your neck. And to the extent that feels good for your body, You can make the circles bigger and bigger every time you go around. And switch directions with your circles. Bring your head back to center and bring your arms out by your sides. On your inhale, Sweep them wide and reach up to the sky. Bring your palms together overhead. And as you exhale, Draw your hands down through the center line of your body to your heart. And again, Inhale, Arms wide, Reach up, Palms together, Anjali Mudra. Exhale to the heart. And do that a couple more times with the rhythm, The pace, The flow of your own breath. Wonderful. Next, You'll need your pen and paper. And I'll ask you to consider the different areas of your life, Your family, Work, School, Spiritual group, Meetings, Et cetera. Is there anywhere that you shrink, Get small, Hide your true self? Write it down. Where do you shrink or get small or hide behind a mask? Next I'll have you identify five of your core values and write them down. Now you might have these already in your head right off the bat. If so, Great, Write them down. But here are some examples in case you need some help. Choose from your intuition as best you can. I'll list them slowly to give you a chance to really consider and write them down if need be. Authenticity. Achievement. Adventure. Balance. Compassion. Community. Creativity. Curiosity. Determination. Friendships. Growth. Happiness. Honesty. Humor. Justice. Kindness. Knowledge. Loyalty. Optimism. Peace. Pleasure. Recognition. Respect. Reputation. Responsibility. Security. Service. Spirituality. Stability. Success. Status. Trustworthiness. Wealth. And wisdom. Take a look at your list. And choose now just one. Use your gut instinct. Don't think too hard on this. Nothing is permanent. You can't do this wrong. You can always come back to this activity at a later time. Choose just one. Now take a few smooth, Deep, Mindful breaths in and out. If this value was a ball of light, What color would it be? Now reach your arms out wide and up to the sky with your fingers stretched wide like the rays of the sun. Take hold of this ball of light and curl your fingers gently around it. Draw it down to your heart and plant it like a seed of intention. Again, Reach up. For the value the ball of light hold it lightly Draw it down to your heart, Planting it a little deeper. Keep going. Inhale up. Exhale down. Intentions grow with attention. So let's water the seed with a mantra. Each time you reach up, Say the word, The value. When you bring it to your heart, Say, Is growing here. I value. Is growing here. Next time your hands are at your heart, Rest there. Breathe into your hands. And out from your hands. Sense or feel or see the light getting brighter with each breath. And slowly start to release the breath pattern. Rest your hands on your lap, Lift your gaze. Wonderful work today. Remember repetition is key because intentions grow with attention. Thank you for continuing to keep coming back to yourself, To your heart, To your home. Until next time, May your thoughts be peaceful. May your words be kind, Especially toward yourself. And may your heart feel like home. Bye for now.

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Thanks for this