Things To Do To Earn Your Child’s Friendship

Sadhguru looks at what parents need to do to earn their child’s friendship and develop a healthy relationship, which will help the child blossom. Yogi, mystic and visionary, Sadhguru is a spiritual master with a difference. An arresting blend of profundity and pragmatism, his life and work serves as a reminder that yoga is a contemporary science, vitally relevant to our times.

Please note: This track was recorded live and may contain background noises.

Transcript

They tell me this word parenting or parent came into circulation only somewhere around maybe two-hundred years ago.

And just about at that time,

One John Wal-Mart,

The Earl of Rochester said something significant.

He said,

Before I got married,

I had six wonderful theories about how to parent,

But now I have six children and all theories are gone.

Unfortunately,

Somewhere people have been made to believe that children are all born improper and we have to make them proper.

No.

So what should I do parenting?

I want you to look back and see when you were five,

Six years of age,

What would be the best kind of parents to have?

If you look back,

You would know very clearly.

If you're a parent,

The important thing is,

Please don't stand on a big pedestal.

The only qualification you have is,

You just came here a few years early,

That's the only mistake you've done.

Yes?

When you say,

I wish I was young,

What it means is,

I made the mistake of coming too early.

So this is the only qualification adults have,

That they came here a few years earlier than the younger people.

This doesn't qualify you to advise about everything in the universe.

It doesn't.

If you admit your ignorance with the youth and especially with little children,

They will become your close friends.

Otherwise,

They look up to you because they have to,

There is a hierarchy business.

And of course,

Everybody hates that hierarchy,

Because looking up,

Neck hurts,

You know.

Nobody likes it.

Because in trying to place yourself above,

You're losing the possibility of being a good friend.

If you're not a good friend,

They're not seeking your advice.

They have… they're not just in the neighborhood,

Now globally,

They seek answers,

Okay?

You don't know where their friend is.

Their friend is in Timbuktu right now,

Not in the neighborhood.

A relationship is only possible when you're not on the pulpit,

You're down,

On the ground like everybody else,

On the same two feet.

Then only it's possible,

Then only there is a friendship.

When there is a friendship,

There is room for correction.

When there is no friendship,

You can say what you want,

Nobody is going to listen anyway.

And if you go on telling advice after advice,

They will just do the reverse,

Just to spite you.

A whole lot of children do things just because it freaks the parents.

Yes or no?

They're doing it just to freak the parents,

They just enjoy it.

Because this advice and advice and advice… advice is sickening,

Nobody likes advice.

But if there was a bond of friendship,

Naturally they would listen.

That's what one should earn.

The parents and teachers should earn the friendship of the new generation,

Rather than thinking,

Just because a few years early you came,

You know the universe,

There's no such thing.

So just stop advising them,

Just be friends with them,

Play with them,

Go to a cinema with them,

Listen to their kind of rap music,

Dance with them,

You will see they will be fond of you,

There will be a relationship.

Once there's a relationship,

You can do something,

You can influence them.

First and foremost thing that we need to understand is,

Child means it is not some personalized project.

We are manufacturing the next generation of people.

Those who decide to have children must have dedicated time for the child.

Not fitting in here,

One ten minutes here,

Ten minutes there,

You must have full-fledged dedicated time,

Because it is about making the next generation better than who we are.

There is nothing special to be done,

You don't have to buy a single toy.

You just have to spend time,

You just have to expose them to nature,

You just have to expose them to various forms of creation.

But just to get rid of the child,

You bought him an iPad when he's five.

See,

You buy him an iPad when he's four or five,

Don't think it's out of your love.

You being strategic,

You want to get rid of him.

Get rid of him means,

He opens up something and something,

Something,

Something is happening on the iPad endlessly.

So,

You can go about your business the way you want.

I don't think it is necessary for such people to have children.

Unless you're willing to have dedicated time,

You should not do this crime.

Not necessary.

Once you have,

You must have dedicated time.

And first of all,

You must fix yourself.

You must become that kind of a person the child will look up to and love to be with.

Then even time can be adjusted.

If they're really looking up to you,

Five minutes is worth five days.

Five minutes of contact is like five days.

Nothing to teach,

What's there to teach?

What is there to teach?

What do you know about life that the child doesn't know,

I'm asking?

Survival tricks,

Don't teach them too early.

This is a serious problem.

These days,

I think it's a little less than what it used to be before.

Three-year-old child,

They're asking,

What do you want to become,

I want to become pilot.

I want to become commando.

These days,

Everybody,

All the boys want to be commando because that's the games they're playing.

Because I see in these games,

Phew,

Means somebody's head falls off.

They may become Jihadi Jones.

Because right from childhood,

They're taking off people's heads.

So,

What do you want to expose your children to is something that every parent needs to think about,

Because it is exposure.

It is not moral teaching which is going to stick.

It is the exposure that the child is exposed to,

Which is really going to stick right through their life.

You must expose them to all the positive,

Wonderful things.

Positive things does not mean right versus wrong,

Simply life the way it is.

I think if people want to have children,

This may sound extreme,

But I would say at least for two months in a year,

Those who have children should withdraw into a natural space.

Not live in their city boroughs or those bird nests of apartments.

They must go away at least for two months.

It's all right even if you have to live in a tent somewhere,

But they must live in nature,

The children.

Very,

Very,

Very important.

If you want to have your children physically,

Mentally healthy and balanced,

Which is the most important thing.

Parents think all the things that they could not do,

They must achieve through their children.

So they should have bred racehorses.

They are not an extension of your ambitions.

They are not and they need not be.

So this is because people think they own their children.

No,

They are not your property.

I think these days they're telling you,

Older generation hesitated to say this.

This generation by the time they're ten,

They're telling you,

You've got no business to tell me what to do.

So does it mean to say you don't say anything to them?

No,

It's your business to see because if you don't guide them,

Somebody else will on the street or somebody will do it long distance on the internet,

All kinds of creatures are out there.

All right.

So yes,

To protect them,

To nourish them,

To allow them to explore their possibilities,

It is your business to do that as a parent.

But parents concern maybe what will happen,

What will happen,

What will happen.

Tell me when you go through fear,

Is it fantastic?

Hello?

It's one of the most terrible emotions you can go through.

Why are we thinking that we should be fearful of our future,

Not only of your future,

Of anything that you do and you're even God fearing,

All right?

Fearful about everything,

What is the point?

There is no such thing.

There is no such thing that this generation should be an extension of the previous generation.

This generation should do something that previous generation could not imagine.

That is when there is a purpose to this generation,

Isn't it?

Otherwise,

What's the point if you're going to do the same things?

Thank you.

If you want your children to consider the suggestions that you're making,

Don't try to discipline them.

If it works,

If you try to discipline them and it works,

Unfortunately it means that you have dumb children.

If they're smart,

It just won't work,

Really.

Isn't it so?

You don't like this?

If they're just dumb,

Helpless children,

It'll work.

Otherwise,

You're damn disciplining won't work.

Yes,

Here and there maybe you put your foot down a little bit,

But that right also you get only because you built a relationship.

You built a very close,

Friendly relationship,

So somewhere you can use your privilege of being older than them and put your foot down on a few things.

But you can't go about disciplining them,

You must drop that idea from your mind because it won't work.

If they don't like your discipline,

It's just a few months away that they don't like you.

If a few years away they hate your discipline,

Then you must know that much time away they'll also hate you.

There's no question about it,

Isn't it?

So don't get yourself into that situation.

The most important thing is to provide him an atmosphere which is joyful,

Loving and inspiring.

Inspiring him to stand up and find his full potential.

If this atmosphere is provided,

You don't really have to worry about disciplining.

Discipline will happen itself.

Discipline does not mean control.

Discipline means that you're focused towards knowing.

The word discipline in English means learning or to learn.

So when you say I'm disciplined,

That means you're always willing to learn.

But you're not stuck in some mode.

So discipline is not just doing something somewhere,

You're willing to learn which way to do everything better.

If you're constantly striving how to do everything better,

You're disciplined.

You're just doing something in a particular way,

That's not discipline.

If you bring yogic practices into a child's life,

There is no way they cannot be disciplined.

Discipline will happen to them.

This is the mistake or this is a fundamental flaw in the education systems of the day,

That we think we need to prepare people for something.

No,

We need to prepare people for nothing.

We just have to make people flexible and sharpen their intelligence,

Sharpen their perception.

Whatever is needed,

Do that.

Only thing is,

You have to make human intelligence in such a way that it's flexible,

And it'll quickly grasp what is around.

Perception is sharpened,

Intelligence is sharpened,

But you don't become a concrete block that I'm an engineer,

I'm a doctor,

I'm this,

I'm that.

You becoming a concrete block,

You can't change yourself.

Does it mean to say no subject needs any training?

Yes,

It will need,

Many subjects need expertise,

Which needs a certain level of application and training.

I'm not questioning that.

But you don't have to do it early on.

Right now,

From the age of three,

Four,

They're telling I'm going to become IT engineer,

I'm going to become a startup,

Now it's all startup.

Or a doctor,

Engineer,

Everything was doctor at one time,

Then it became little engineer,

Now computer,

Now startup.

How many start-ups are non-starters in the country?

Too many,

Unfortunately,

Because you don't need a startup culture,

Engineering culture,

Something like this.

What you need is that you are a solution-seeking generation.

Let your children do something that you could not dream of.

If you have achieved a certain level of success,

You have taken care of bread for your children.

So let them live a life where they don't have to think about their bread.

That is,

They don't live for their survival.

They live to create something that is wonderful for everybody,

For himself and for everybody else.

Just yesterday,

Somebody was asking me in some meeting that I was in,

Sadhguru,

I have a fourteen-year-old boy,

Fourteen-year-old boy is trouble,

I know.

Because I was a fourteen-year-old boy at one time,

I was.

I know he is trouble.

The lady was in tears,

I have a fourteen-year-old boy.

I understand,

Don't say anything more,

I understand,

Fourteen-year-old boy.

So the thing is,

When you had a child,

When it was a little infant,

Moo,

Moo,

Moo,

Moo,

Moo,

Moo,

Moo,

Moo,

Tch,

You loved it because you could twist it and turn it and play with it,

Whichever way you want.

Yes?

Then it became three-year-old,

It was crawling all over the place.

You also crawled with the baby,

You played with the baby,

You tried to speak like that,

Kukku-pupu,

Pekupu,

All that.

Everything was nice.

Then he stood up,

Now he's become a fourteen-year-old boy.

What that means is,

He's trying to be his own.

He wants to be a man.

He's on a hurry.

But you still want to do moo,

Moo,

Moo to him.

When you crawled with him when he was two,

Three years old,

He also enjoyed it.

But now he wants to swing.

You should also swing with him.

But you still want to crawl.

You still want to do moo,

Moo,

Moo,

Doesn't work.

The best thing,

If you want to be of some value to your children,

Whether they are your own biological children or they are studying with you,

The most important thing is that when they see you,

They must say,

Wow,

I want to be like this.

Yes?

You must be… become that kind of a person,

You don't have to say a thing.

You become that kind of a person,

Everybody wants to be like you.

You must learn to dance like them,

You must like to sing like them,

You learn to speak like them.

Then they say,

Wow,

This is how I want to be.

Once they want to be like you,

There is no issue making it happen.

Yes?

Very simple.

So you must make them fall in love with you,

Not demand something.

You must make them fall in love with you.

This is what you need to do.

If somebody has to fall in love with you,

What you should do?

Tch,

You must shine a bit.

Hello?

Yes or no?

You must shine a little bit.

Yes.

Reviews

The best advice I have heard on how to get your child to like you.

Amazing insight and a beautiful way to reconsider the “norm” of 2020 parenting in the west. Such wisdom in an adjustment to our thinking

I really needed this. Thank you!

Truth...deepest appreciation sweet soul sibling!
⭐✨🌟🌠💓
Love,light,peace,joy,unity,harmony and boundless blissful blessings..
Namaste
🙏💘🙏

Very wise words. Thank you. 💜

This was an excellent collection of recorded clips describing how to treat your children as the wonderful human beings they are. Not to brag, but I have taken the stance on parenting described here, and my relationship with my almost 16 year old is beautiful! Thank you for the reminders!

Insightful as always. Thank you. 🙏

Excellent. Thank you 🙏🙏🙏