Building Better Relationships

Don’t expect others to change. Accept them as they are. Give love and support and they may change. Expectations are not helpful. People will resist.
So build a better relationship with yourself.
Understand you are a soul, consciousness, a thinking being.
Speaker: Rose Goodenough who co-ordinates the centre has been practising & teaching meditation since the early 1980s. Sister Rose has a wealth of wisdom. Her talks have been described as practical, powerful and uplifting.

Transcript

I'm Shanti and welcome to today's talk and every one of us here will have ways where we have judged others because of their behavior or whatever everybody's an individual being and we're talking about relationships so it's people that in some way we're in relationship whether it's a working relationship or a family relationship or friends relationship with friends or neighbors but it's a relationship with people you're in connection with that we're talking about today in particular so building better relationships and what happens is we disapprove often we disapprove it's a habit to disapprove if others are doing something that we think and even if we've changed something with we disapprove the fact they haven't changed we think they should change as well and even if you tell them something and even if you tell them something you think there at least should be a response but it doesn't happen like that it's not easy to change a habit when we come to raj yoga meditation we begin to understand more about habits and how to change and habits are ingrained in us and they they're like that straight there in front of us and we call it react we react in a second so it makes it tricky unless i do meditation to practice that peacefulness in my nature which gives me the power to put a stop to my fast reactive habits so don't expect others to change everyone has their own character and just if i don't think they're doing the right thing it's actually it's got nothing to do with me really except if i'm on the other side in relationship at that moment i have to think of ways how to handle the situation you have to accept people as they are and if you can give love and support they may change now it's not easy to give love and support if someone's not being very nice to you and this is where the reactions come in or the big difference comes in to have expectations of people that's not going to do a lot just say you meet someone that you've known forever and they're always grumpy and negative and they just spend most of the time complaining to you about all the other people around them and all the past worries hurts you're having a cup of coffee and you're just oh and they expect a reaction from you all the time they expect you to support this negativity and you maybe get used to and say oh i know oh that was terrible and so they like that they like you to support their sadness but what can i do i was thinking that whoever we know we know in advance what they're going to be like we know for a fact we know they're going to either call me for everything or go on about their terrible times or we know in advance so i cannot just meet someone and go like that and be very kind i have to think about it and if i know them now that i practice meditation i should spend time looking for the good that's in them so maybe they had a terrible time maybe all the people they loved ran away or something and their heart was broken and and i know this but they go on complaining and i forget the fact that they were hurt and they were kind to me from time to time but i forget that when they're on doing their stuff again i forget how kind-hearted maybe they're people who have complete cleanliness in their home or a really good cook or something like that i forget that when they're talking to me in a way that i'm thinking oh gosh how can i put an end to this meeting i can't do this or i'll just keep saying to them no i'm busy i'm busy and i won't meet them because i i've got enough to do myself i can't keep going there so what can i do but these people are maybe related to me quite closely or maybe some of them were my best friends and i'm not going to be there and i'm not going to be there or maybe some of them were my best friends so this is where when i practice meditation if i become peaceful i need to teach myself creativity i need to teach myself in advance i'm meeting so and so i can't expect that they'll have changed since i last seen them except they'll be sadder because everyone has a burden everyone's under an influence of their past and they cannot change it because why it's the same for us our past is recorded on our intellect and it pops in front of us all the time so it's only with meditation i can teach myself to practice being calm being sensible being kind-hearted in a practical way so if i think in advance god she was really kind to me even when she was poor she would always send me a gift at christmas always send me a nice card so i could think of that then when i meet her my attitude towards her will be much better otherwise when i meet her i'll have my barriers up it will show in my face in my eyes in the words even though i try to speak nice words when i say nice things it will not come out as night and she will feel that she's having an attack from me even i haven't said anything bad but i'm thinking something good and then i say it in a friendly way oh i remember that time you came to visit me in hospital you brought me the most beautiful flowers and oh every christmas you gave me a card and i kept them for years and some of them i've still got i kept them in my scrapbook something nice that is real that's not made up that's not trying to be quite nice and put up with a situation which will be showing by my attitude that i'm not comfortable with if i'm not comfortable i can't have a comfortable relationship here and this person that's with me is under a huge burden of unhappiness and i am supposed to be teaching myself to be light-hearted and to accept people and to be kind so how can i be any of these things if i've already got myself with an attitude of gosh i'll just get this over and done with and i'll just listen and smile and buy another cup of coffee and a cake and say good for you good luck and it's false isn't it that is really false i'm just sort of washing her down trying to keep her quiet get away till the next time that's my attitude really and i'm too busy the next time i'm not coming back here for that again so it could be anybody it could be your mother your mother could be the toughest one to be with because she was the one that scolded you and and she was trying so hard to make ends meet and trying so hard to keep you smart and tidy and teach you good habits but didn't always like it but you also got told off by her more than by anyone else and then she gets old and a bit really cranky so because it's your mother you'll just go you'll be quite nice but still you'll think oh gosh this is hard work here i don't know what to do here because i can't change her but you cannot change people you can only change them when you feel a feeling that you really do care that you really do care for them and you can only do that when you think in advance you have to think in advance so it's different for everybody you've all got different relationships but we have to look at those things and see how we can be kind helpful supportive in all relationships if i can practice accepting where people are coming from then it helps me and then it can help the other person if people disrespect you do you feel hurt so we get all sort of what a cheek oh why they're speaking to me like that oh why they're being horrid to me oh gosh i'm doing my best this is our inner world what about when they feel like that and i'm not liking what they put forward so become detached teach yourself to listen to what's happening there and observe what is happening where the other person's coming from because everyone has their own life everyone's energy everyone lives their own existence and what others choose to think if they're choosing to be angry and upset and annoyed and i don't agree with that i just don't agree with you i just don't agree with that it's up to them because that's what they put together doing two together at that point of time that's the way they are and if i get horrified by it i think why they're always so old-fashioned in their ways why did they never change how can they change how can they change they're not practicing meditation they're not practicing how to change all they're doing is remembering their past life and over and over the having all the sorrow and the things and all this time has passed and their burden will be heavier i need to remember that they may put a show on at times and most people can be quite lonely and if i don't want to listen to what they're saying they'll feel really really like there's nobody there's nothing and ask yourself a question because we start looking at what we think is right and oh wow that's wrong that's wrong oh oh that is wrong you shouldn't do that so do i keep looking for right and wrong in people rather than listening to what they're saying they can't change they can't be if they keep looking at all the the wrong things all the things that are happening that's the way they think that is the way they think and remember they will think like that every day seven days a week even so they go to sleep they'll think oh oh oh dear i don't know how to cope with this how could it go on and all my friends have gone away and everyone's died and this has happened and that's happened so if that's the sorrow that they're putting into their intellect over and over and over and over how can they make me for a coffee and be all buoyant and bushy tailed unless they're great actors they cannot do that and why would i become offended by their behavior it might be my sister might be my brother might be my best friend it might be my mother my grandfather it could be anybody but it will not have changed and it will not change and it will not change and it will not change they can't change they can give brand new information looking at the world but there's very little um really anything except a bit of a good things happened there are good things happened here but personal change there's none of that can be happening unless they themselves find out how to change or their friends or family show that respect and begin to honor them that will wake them up lift them up make them maybe want to hear something maybe want to hear more but that's the only way okay so the way i think about the actions of others is what hurts me so i take pain to myself so let me rethink am i going to keep doing this and use my thoughts in a beautiful way this is what Raja is teaching us to start putting beautiful energy into myself seeing the virtues in myself because everyone has a huge capacity for good within them even the ones that i'm complaining about but they themselves can access their own good ways because it's covered up with the sadness and the sorrow and the despair and the heaviness they can't reach it only i could reach it for them if i know them so i need to say sorry to myself for all the pain that i've given myself so we ourselves were like that and we judged and we criticized and we put up barriers and we put up with some things as quickly as we could get away we didn't do anything good while we were there we complained to ourselves inside we had an attitude and that attitude was very obvious to the person i was with like there was some barrier face you could you would be able to see even the false smile wouldn't hide it we've all been there we've all been there so we've given pain to ourselves and our attitudes towards others are part of the pain that i'm carrying myself so i have to change that if not even for their sake for my sake i have to stop being false even if everyone is nice to you if you don't teach yourself to be positive you'll never be happy so i have to understand myself how i had so many not very nice characteristics and then i when i saw them oh i chose to change them i made decisions masses of decisions masses oh i'm not going to go there anymore let me think about it next time something like this happens let me put this forward instead i'm not i'm definitely not going to do that to people the way people are still doing it to me so even now when people do it to me i have a way of thinking to be able to make it okay for myself and stay happy inside and say something beneficial to the situation so build a better relationship with yourself and for that understand you are a soul be so conscious a thinking being so the method is to meditate and to learn teach yourself to create beautiful thoughts all the beauties in you but every day's happenings are in front of you so only meditation can you access you access the energy of your intellect which people also call your third eye but when you think in the physical way with all the troubles and the so only meditation can you access you access the energy of your intellect which people also call your third eye but when you think in the physical way with all the troubles and the heaviness third eye closes you can't see you just have to tug away on the surface tug away at whatever's happening and be false because you can't you can't change it at that point you have to think of it in advance and understand that you've made a vow to yourself that you are not going to be like that and others may be still be like that to you but you're not going to be like that to anyone else as much as you possibly can you're going to find something good in everyone sounds like a big ask but it's it's the truth everyone has lots of goodness in them but they themselves don't know it they've forgotten it and it's covered up and they're third eyes closed shanty we'll have a minute focus on the center of the forehead so once again bring your attention to the center of your forehead and visualize the self with that point of peace i am a being of light a unique individual soul i am not this body i'm not this name i am a soul i play a part through the body but to rediscover my peace i go back to the awareness that i am a soul i look at the center of sister rose's forehead in this consciousness i am a soul and i am seeing another as a soul a point of living life energy on shanty that the bottom line is doesn't matter who they are whether they hate you or fight with you or praise you up or whatever they're like it's not about them it's about you it's how you use your energy to make the best of that situation whatever it's like and it's for you to see what's happening and be able to help in any way someone may be really trying so hard to be nice to you but they're they're they're suffering because they're struggling to save what they think you want to hear so that's not exactly you can't just say oh well oh oh they were so nice to me they gave me so many compliments that's not what it's about either i don't need that and so i could just reassure and calm everything down there as well so it's not about them but it is about them but it's about you and what you do your energy to manage whatever's happening there thank you that was very good it's up to us to know that really to figure out that this person's always wasting my time this person's always wasting my time but i still have to be nice to them and tactful but i do have to respect myself and my own energy and i don't have to sort of feel obliged to sort of get into the sort of whatever situation so and still think of something useful that might help but to to make it clear that i've only got 20 minutes here or i've only got 10 minutes i'm you know i'm not going to spend forever going through a whole load of stuff which i maybe go through over every time i meet that person and it again never changes but they'll praise me and all the rest of it so you don't go for that you don't get caught in that trap but you have to be able to see this is very nice and have a lovely time hope to see you again whatever yeah yeah you can't let yourself get you know used in a way in the wrong way by someone using you negatively because sometimes we can be frightened don't even know what we're frightened of just anxious fear of change fear of loss usually fear of loss so you should have a check to see am i scared i'm going to lose something sometimes someone say i'm going away i don't want to see you again and you and suddenly you realize you haven't been nice to them and you wish you had and you feel really sorry and you wish you could change that and you wish you could do something about it but you're not going to be happy and you're not going to be happy and you're not going to be happy and you're not going to be happy and you're not going to be happy and you really wish that you're board at all anyway you haven't felt like you'd been home today you know you haven't had a present but you don't get a chance or whatever even though you're not going to get down on the stair of traffic you never get it but maybe you can't because they're away halfway down the road by now but they've gone so you hope that extra time and do whatever and become like a slave in order for them not to tell you you've lost your job.

So you give up your self-respect in both circumstances because of fear.

Fear is something quite dramatic.

You have to see that life is life and situations will come and situations come to an end as well.

When it's over,

It's over.

Sometimes it's time for a company to fold and that's the end of the jobs for everybody.

It's not just choosing you but when they do choose you it can be quite dramatic like,

Oh,

They didn't even appreciate me and they're telling me I have to go.

That can be quite a shock.

So first of all you have to look after yourself.

Keep your self-respect.

In Raja Yoga I learn that I am the energy that sinks and makes decisions.

So early on I picked up three energies that I wanted to hold onto which was peace,

Love and happiness.

So peace is not just peace,

Love and happiness.

It's peace that has stability,

Steadiness,

Awareness,

Strength,

Courage is all involved in peace.

Making myself still in my thinking so I clear away the rubbish and I can see what's the best way to go here.

So that's the peace.

The love is to give that respect to others,

To be kind to others,

To be thoughtful about others and know that wherever I'm at or I've been at they're also going through something as well.

So love is cooperation,

Understanding,

Kindness,

Friendliness,

All of this is love so I'd remember that and try and keep that feeling of good feelings for whoever I'm involved with or whatever situation or matter,

Food,

Whatever.

I eat food in a way that whatever energy is in food nourishes this physical body.

I'm energy for thinking,

I'm a spiritual being but I've got a body to walk about in and that has to be looked after as well.

And happiness,

Happiness comes from feeling you're doing something that's right,

That's okay.

It's not like big happiness because I'm going to a party and I've got the nicest dress you could ever see and here I am and I'm away and I've got everything and here's the big stretch,

Limo or whatever coming to pick me up.

No,

It's not that kind of happiness,

It's an inside happiness of,

Oh I feel okay.

So we are energy and we've got the good inside us as we said at the beginning but we've also got all this stuff that's not so good which bobs up and down on the surface and which challenges us every day as we go to work,

As we knew things happen and things that make us fearful that we'll lose this,

We'll lose that,

People die that we loved,

Everything stops that I was used to,

Things change,

Things change.

And so I'm energy and I'm learning to cope with the change but inside I'm beginning to more and more be stable on the fact that I have those beautiful energies in me of peace,

Love and happiness and I bring these forward all the time and then Raja Yoga tells me there's another soul,

It's the soul that people call God and that soul also has a personality.

That soul doesn't have a physical body to look after so that soul doesn't have any negativity,

It only has the beauty of the self and their personality is first of all they are the almighty authority,

Highest energy ever.

There's no higher energy,

Ever hear of the God of the God?

No,

There is only one God and in Raja Yoga Meditation we think of that one in the early hours of the morning to begin with and throughout the day if possible and that gives me the strength of this almighty authority energy because if I think of that it touches my energy and gives me a strength that I don't have myself,

I don't have that energy.

So if I don't have that energy I can only go so far in a kind of mediocre way even whilst looking at peace,

Love and happiness but with that energy and I think this almighty authority power somehow it makes me act differently,

Sit differently,

Be more powerful in my compassion and my love for everything around me and then we talk about eating food.

I eat my food so Raja Yoga tells us to eat pure food not to eat animals or animal products because why should I kill an animal to feed this?

So when we eat pure food it's got all the nutrients,

It's got all you think,

Oh it's got vitamin C and calcium and everything,

Very limited that's what it's got but if I look at that food before I eat it and remember the almighty authority energy and then through my eyes that energy is touching the food,

It makes sense and as it touches the food,

My food has extra strength to give me extra power and we need extra power.

I couldn't survive on my own power,

Just my own power.

No matter how much I sit and think how to be good and loving and kind and everything it's still a limited power,

Why?

Because the day-to-day events and the past is still bobbing around in here,

You can't go scoot that's got to do all of that and now I'm positive and now oh I can be so loving,

All that other stuff I still have to deal with it all the time saying don't go there because it was bad for you,

It was uncomfortable,

Don't do it to someone else,

It's a journey,

It's a journey.

It's a long explanation but that's the way it is.

Did people understand that last question and the answer to that?

Makes sense.

You wouldn't be here otherwise especially because it's amazing that you come here,

You're really special.

Okay?

So again just take that chance to look at the centre of the forehead and think of peace and love and happiness.