I have lost my faith several times during my life.
The first was after a loss of a baby,
The second the loss of my spouse,
And the third the death of a parent which was both sudden and unexpected.
Each loss rocked my world.
I didn't believe that God abandoned me.
I just didn't believe that I was on his favorite list if there was such a thing.
Following these painful events,
I experienced a spiritual crisis and spiritual exhaustion like no other.
During my life,
I have often felt a deep closeness to God.
After these losses,
This vanished.
There was an emptiness,
A shock.
In other aspects of my life,
I flourished.
It was just that spiritual side.
It was like my dirty little secret.
The latest event,
My last,
Most recent loss,
Was pivotal.
My spiritual rock bottom,
My dark night of the soul.
This night was the most painful yet beautiful thing that I've ever experienced.
It started with a conversation with God,
Angels,
Deceased loved ones,
And I exploded.
Exploded in waves and pain flooded.
I felt cracked open.
I hadn't lost my faith in God.
I was lost,
And I pushed God away.
After that night,
I was reawakened to the unconditional,
Radical kind of soul-rocking-your-world kind of love.
That night,
I knew that no matter what happened to me in my life,
No matter what awful events or pain that I would endure,
The love of God was always there.
In my darkest moment,
My heart healed,
And love flooded,
Filling me.
My heart cracked open,
And the light returned.
