It seems that more than ever we are looking for gurus to support us,
To guide us and reaffirm us.
We can blame our uncertainty in this world on the retrograde,
Political climate or a collective loss of faith.
I'm no different.
And today is one of those days I search for the next upcoming training session on programs for higher advanced education and on my Instagram feed while telling myself to let go and be calm.
It's your day off.
I'm strong,
I tell myself.
You have this,
Continues my inner voice.
Have what I ask.
Today I'm balancing working on flow and my mind feels cluttered like a dusty web of things I want to learn.
A yearning.
I'm craving and searching for solace for my yearning.
What is it that I'm after?
What is the storm of uncertainty that rises?
My life has been a hell of a ride and I'm good at riding those waves I tell myself.
When I have the opportunity to slow down,
I'm witness to the yearning.
This day,
This moment,
Self-doubt creeps in.
Worry about money,
Cash flow,
Doubt,
Questioning if I can do all the things I tell myself that I can do every day.
This hundred-year-old house that I have taken on.
The business venture,
The practice,
The balance,
Again back to the balance.
So I look for that spiritual guru.
I read,
I scroll,
I sign myself up to retreats I really can't afford.
And I try to fill up and squeeze comfort,
Yes comfort.
Isn't that what we are all longing for?
Comfort and calm and a higher knowing that everything will work out.
Today in my frenzy,
I settled into writing and the words found me speechless.
For a moment,
I exhaled.
I'm okay.
I'm alone and I'm okay.
I have in this moment,
This breath and this pen.
In the quiet,
Courage speaks to me.
My own inner guru speaks to me.
Darling,
I've been here all along.
