Coping With Stress

Wondering how to calm anxiety and stress in your life? In episode 14, your spiritual bags, dive into the topic headfirst. Most of us have stress in our lives, so how can we learn to make friends with it? We’ll talk about ways to deal with stress and let you know about our most effective stress management techniques. We’ll focus on in-the-moment meditation and mindfulness for anxiety and stress. Plus, we’ll also share where we’re struggling with stress reactions and what it looks like to pick up spiritual tools in the midst of the big and little stress. Do you suffer with chronic stress? Do you suffer with chronic stress? Let us know what it’s like for you and what has been helping!

Transcript

Thanks for joining us here on Pretty Spiritual where we're attempting the unthinkable about how to navigate this messy,

Beautiful,

Imperfect life with spiritual tools,

What,

Principles,

And our own personal stories.

So we're not experts,

We're not religious,

We're definitely silly.

We're honest,

Real,

And willing to share.

So join us as we connect,

Bond,

And grow together.

Hello sweet friends.

Hey.

Now is the time that we've gotten back together and it's so exciting.

So glad that you could join us today as we explore stress as our topic.

And as you might hear a little bit later on,

Just to really get you in the zone of feeling very stressed.

There's construction next door.

We really set the mood.

We're just really setting it up for you all right now.

We want to help you guys access stress.

I know that that beeping noise really puts me in a frenzy.

So here we are.

Stir it up.

We're so ready.

Oh yeah.

Oh,

I'm so glad we're together.

Stress can express and manifest itself in many ways.

Today we are going to explore some current examples of stress in our lives.

That lies deep underneath that stress and some tools to help relieve and even combat stress.

Stress has gotten such a bad rep and it's understandable.

The very thought of exploring this topic,

My first reaction is for my stomach to tie up in knots just thinking about stress.

Everyone experiences stress in different ways.

It can affect your mental and physical health.

Stress also has a good side.

It does?

I know.

I was not aware of this.

Stress that you can tolerate motivates,

Which helps you to stay focused,

Energetic,

And alert.

Let's look at the stress that binds us first.

There are so many types of stress.

Some of the major external causes of stress,

Major life changes,

Work or school,

Relationship difficulties,

Financial difficulties,

Being too busy,

And children and families.

Internal stressors that may be harder to identify,

Those can look like pessimism,

Inability to accept uncertainty,

Rigid thinking,

Lack of flexibility,

Negative self-talk,

Unrealistic expectations slash perfectionism,

And the all or nothing attitude.

I think I might have all of those right now.

Simply put,

Stress is what we feel when we think we've lost control of events.

With that general description in mind,

Let's get into our own stories and experiences with stress.

Ella,

It sounds like you're really ready.

I'm so ready for this episode.

I've been real stressed this morning,

Which tends to happen,

Whatever our topic is starts manifesting.

So thanks,

Universe,

For helping me get in touch with it today.

And I just want to start by saying thank you to Lindsay and Annie and also to all of our listeners for holding me accountable to really dig into my spiritual life.

Knowing that we have an episode and what the topic of choice is for our week,

It just gives me an opportunity to really sink my teeth into whatever lessons are there for me to learn from in my life.

And so I just thank you for helping me not to get trapped in the confines of my stress narrative this morning.

I don't feel well,

Most of the time,

Unfortunately,

But it's worse than usual right now.

A lot of headaches and there's a lot going on in my work life and I'm planning a trip,

Which is exciting,

But also stressful.

And it's not the most stressed I've ever been,

But it's this really chronic stress feeling that is pretty pervasive.

This feeling of just being generally overwhelmed and worried that I don't have enough resources.

And what happens for me when I'm in that story is that my brain starts saying,

You don't have enough time,

There isn't enough money,

Or you need to make more,

Or you don't have enough energy or physical wellness to show up for all the commitments you said you were going to show up for today.

And then what I do is I just buy into it.

I'm like,

You're right.

That's true.

What do I do?

This is bad.

I think about how I really like Albert Einstein,

That dude was very spiritual and awesome.

And he,

For whatever reason,

The way he frames these otherwise ethereal spiritual concepts for me is really accessible.

And so he says,

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking when we created them.

I know that trying to figure out how to manage my stress doesn't work for me.

It just makes me more stressed.

When I'm stuck in the stress of there's too much to do and not enough resources.

And like I said,

That's my kind of personal flavor for chronic stress.

I need help taking refuge in something that's bigger than the stress narrative.

And for me,

What it looks like is I just can't experience freedom using the stressed out mind to try to get relief.

And so I need to invite something,

Some bigger container in to help me shift into a larger,

More inclusive perspective.

And I'm gonna leave you guys hanging until we get to the tool section.

Excellent.

Racey.

Annie,

Can you tell us a little bit about what stress feels like for you?

Yes.

Thanks,

Ella.

Thanks Annie.

Thanks Lindsay for this topic.

It's true when we prepare for these,

I really have to think objectively and critically about what does this look like in my life and what am I actually doing versus what do I think I'm doing.

I like that Lindsay that you pointed out that,

Did you point this out?

Of course I did.

Always.

That stress isn't always negative.

It can motivate us.

But for so long,

Stress really was crippling for me because I have,

As I've mentioned before,

Anxiety and until last year I had previously undiagnosed and untreated PTSD.

So any kind of,

Which is post-traumatic stress disorder,

Where it's like a stressful event happened but my body didn't process it in a proper way.

So it's just kind of stashed inside of me.

So any stress,

Even stress that might've been helpful,

Would just flip me out.

My brain would kind of fog over.

I get like swamp around.

That's a good way to put it,

Like I have swamp brain.

And accomplishing something minimal would be hard because the stress would just kind of trigger too much.

Fortunately that's shifted a lot the last few years and especially this last year.

Now an indicator of stress for me is if I have swirling thoughts and they'll jump back and forth in time.

It'll be like,

I got to walk the dogs right now,

But I have to leave for a meeting in 30 minutes.

Oh,

But I need to finish that article.

I have to be in by tomorrow by three.

And it's this kind of constant back and forth in an unstructured timeframe.

And it feels really overwhelming and impossible to manage because it's all happening at once,

Even though there's different times for each thing.

And my brain also,

When I'm in that stress mode,

Can't prioritize the importance of tasks.

A huge work project that I'm concerned about takes the same level of priority,

Like fighting for space in my brain as,

Oh,

I want to get some cinnamon to make cookies next week for my friend's birthday.

You know,

And it's like everything's fighting for top listing in my brain.

Then I kind of have that swampy meltdown.

This is kind of like this tangle and it feels like it gives me the fuzzies,

You know,

And then I'm just like,

Oh,

It's impossible.

It's all,

It's all impossible.

And my core starts to close up.

So it's like my digestive tract clenches up,

My throat punches up,

My heart feels tight.

These things,

As I'm getting some more awareness about how stress can flip me,

They don't have as much control over me.

And meditation has been really life changing as far as creating some room around that.

So it's not that once I think this overwhelmed thought,

Then that's it.

And I have to just,

I'm screwed.

And also healing from PTSD and anxiety.

Stress is taking a way more reasonable role in my life.

So if I spill a cup of coffee on my way out the door,

And I'm going to be late,

It doesn't gut me like it used to,

You know,

Where it was like that used to totally blow my mind.

The day can't go on.

It's over.

Put on the bed sweater.

Yeah.

Retreat,

Shut down.

So I do get triggered by stress.

But now I have some really functional tools that work.

So when we talk tools,

I'll share my my special tool.

Oh,

I can't wait.

Oh,

Thank you so much for the insight.

Recently I listened to a podcast called ologies on fear and they made the bold proposal that stress is a socially acceptable way of saying that you're fearful.

Perhaps it's harder to identify fears than it is to generalize with the idea that I'm stressed.

I shared before on spirituality in the workplace,

My job has been a treasure trove of spiritual growth.

Feel free to read into that as stressful as I did.

The more stressed my job got,

The more unmanageable my life felt.

The slippery part for me about stress is recognizing it before it's gotten so out of control.

The stress that may have motivated me to finish that last request from my boss isn't a problem for me.

I'm really good at doing many things,

Prioritizing,

Organizing,

Having tons of jobs to do and getting them all done.

It's the interpersonal stress that if I don't recognize it,

I will shoulder it and hold it until I get overwhelmed.

Recognizing my limit for interactions in the day or burnout at my job has been a foreign concept to me.

The idea of fear being the underside of stress got me really curious.

It was so easy to say,

I'm so stressed about my job.

Now that I look back and undress the stress down to fears,

It becomes much more alive for me.

My workplace was so stressful because I was so fearful.

Stress is naturally occurring in the body to help get us out of situations that would be physically harmful or fatal to us as animals,

Just like Annie was describing.

When I am perceiving my coworker or situation at my job as an actual physical threat,

I'm in such a heightened state of fight or flight.

There has been little hope of looking at the situation for what it is.

I'm just fearful.

This is setting off a reaction in my body that's telling me I'm in danger when in actuality,

This could be manageable.

I don't need to run.

In fact,

If I would stay with the feelings in my body and see that I'm scared of people's reactions,

If I look underneath the stress and into the situation,

I find underlying it all a lot of fears.

In this particular,

Just using the work example,

I'm scared of authority figures.

I'm frightened by angry people and personal criticism,

And I'm often seeking approval.

And that will put me in this stress mode that makes me feel like I cannot handle these situations.

If any of these fears get triggered,

My stress response kicks in and I'm ready to fight or flight biologically.

What a deal that I have been able to get more understanding with this and hopefully be able to apply tools instead of the go-to defend or run approach.

Sometimes,

I think about how the evolutionary lag is 50,

000 years,

Which means today we're perfectly equipped for the world we lived in 50,

000 years ago.

I'm ready.

Like,

Oh,

That makes so much sense.

There aren't large cats chasing us on our way to collect berries from wherever.

So I think about that and I am also really encouraged by one of our favorite Buddhist teachers Tara Brach talks a lot about the way meditation triggers the further development of the prefrontal cortex,

Which is the newest part of our brain,

Which allows us a different type of reaction than just fight or flight.

It allows us to actually contact things like empathy or compassion or understanding.

I think probably all our tools are going to have to do with getting into that larger state of mind than the just reactivity of fear.

Yeah,

Well,

Let's find out.

I have no idea.

I'm just kidding.

Hopefully our personal experiences with stress has helped you navigate some sticky,

Uncomfortable areas in your life that could use some tools.

Let's explore what tools may be able to help manage and or identify stress.

Sweet Ella.

Oh,

Yeah,

I'm diving back in.

Okay,

I mentioned that it the tool that helps me when I'm stressed is to invite this just larger perspective into how is the stress so it can occupy the amount of space that it actually occupies instead of 100% of my experience.

So there's this Zen patriarch,

He was Chinese and the way that we said his name in Japanese at Tassajara and Zen Center is Conchi Soson.

And I always liked chanting his name.

We would chant all the names of the ancestors.

Conchi Soson,

Daioh Shou.

And I was like that.

He said,

The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences.

And I was like,

You jerk.

Yeah,

We get it.

So many preferences.

So that's not going to work.

I'm like,

Yeah,

It's easy for Buddhas.

Duh,

Like tell us something we don't know.

But I'm a human and I have all these preferences.

So I was always kind of like,

What a jerk.

What am I supposed to do about my human preferences?

And there's another Zen teacher,

A modern Zen teacher who's no longer alive,

But her name is Darlene Cohen.

And I love her.

She suffered with physical illness and disability during her lifetime.

And she talked a lot about having cancer and what it was like to not prefer health to illness.

Is that even,

I was like,

It was mind blowing for me.

Talks about how she started this whole examination of preferences.

And for her,

It started with ordering orange sherbet instead of chocolate ice cream.

And I'm like,

Oh,

It can be this thing that applies to humans also.

Like it's not just this like really lofty spiritual goal.

What if I,

Instead of taking on this practice that feels really overwhelming of like,

I just have no preferences now,

How can I start practicing with it in small ways?

Another thing that Kanchi Soson said is that freedom or enlightenment is lack of anxiety about imperfection.

And that has just been resounding in my head since I heard it.

So that's my tool for stress right now is I use that concept to question my experience in the present.

So like,

What would this experience right now be like if I knew that everything was going to be okay?

What would it feel like to have a migraine and not be worried about all the stuff I need to get done and anguish over how I'm not going to have time or wellness or opportunity or whatever?

What happens if I'm just in the lived physical experience,

And there's nothing wrong?

Yeah,

Migraines are uncomfortable,

And they're not pleasant.

But the real anguish for me comes out of the stories and the narratives that go along with it.

It's much less complicated to just embody my own experience,

And I can do that when I create this kind of larger container using questions like,

What if it's not a problem?

What if I trusted that everything would get done when it needed to?

What would my experience be like right now if I wasn't anxious about whatever my perceived imperfections are or the imperfections of reality?

Oh my God,

Let them all go.

I was thinking about I really am so grateful for your Buddhist perspective.

It helps me so much and is definitely one of the reasons we first became friends and then true love just came in and that's fine.

From my understanding and readings is that we all have the capacity to have to turn toward that Buddha nature.

So it's almost as though I have a preference to be human.

So when you're saying,

Oh,

That's easy for someone like the Buddha,

That could also be that that's my preference to be human.

But if Buddha nature resides inside of me,

Then in just those simple little doses,

I could attempt to not have so much preference.

I'm just really interested in that right now and trying to do things like that.

So I'm just trying to understand.

It's so cool.

One of my favorite parts of the Buddha's awakening story is that he had this profound experience and insight into the nature of reality.

And then he didn't want to share it.

And when he finally did share it,

He,

And this is for me,

One of the most encouraging things he was like,

I wouldn't be teaching this if it weren't possible for you.

And to me that's like,

Oh,

Thank God.

And sometimes it's what you're pointing out is like my own delusions about spirituality.

All these people who look like spiritual aliens or like whatever,

I'm like,

Are you even still a human?

Like,

Yeah,

Of course they are.

And yeah,

They deal with the same set of human delusions and dependencies and whatever else that I do.

That's just an example of what it looks like to operate with a totally different attitude than the one I'm habituated to.

Oh yeah.

There's choice.

Oh,

I'm so excited.

I'm feeling guttural today.

It's okay.

Do that so many times.

Can I leave that in?

Yeah,

Whatever.

Okay.

Thank you so much,

Ella.

Annie,

Are you available to talk about?

What is this?

Annie,

We'd like- Let me get out of the bath.

Just a minute.

I love this.

And it is so strange to think that maybe I have a choice in how to engage with stress or not and how these auto responses don't have to be auto responses.

I have two tools.

And one is one that we are all talking about,

Which is just meditation.

That has to be for me a baseline.

And it has been for some years now because chemically my brain tends towards anxiety.

And so it does like to engage with stuff.

And it gives me,

Like Ella was talking about,

The opportunity to not believe the story that whatever's happening is dire and urgent in a dangerous way.

I have a morning routine and it includes meditation and sometimes it's seated in silent meditation.

And sometimes I listen with headphones to a free guided meditation through the Insight Timer app,

Which I love.

We love you,

Insight Timer,

So much.

There's so many cool teachers on there and just so many different opportunities to try new things.

That just gives me kind of some pause around my reactions.

So there's that element.

But then I have a really just practical tool.

And I think it's a spiritual tool,

Even though some people might just call it organization.

But for me,

There is some sense of willingness to let go when I do this thing.

Because part of my stress is it's this idea that it's up to me.

And if I don't do it,

It's not okay.

And I'm the one fixing it.

But I'm also the problem.

And it like really is all about me.

When I have that really intense brain that I was talking about,

Where it's shuffling back and forth between timeframes,

And it's disorganized and kind of fuzzy and foggy.

I'll take sit down and I'll take a piece of paper and I'll write out everything that's in my brain,

Like the grocery trip for the cinnamon,

And the important paper for the client,

And texting back so and so and to,

You know,

Signing up for the yoga class,

Like all the random crap that's floating around in my brain.

And then I can go through and once it's on the piece of paper and prioritize it and say,

Oh,

You know what,

Actually,

The job thing that's pretty critical cinnamon,

That's like eight on a priority list.

I can get some it's like a reality test of like,

What really is urgent,

What's pressing.

And then I go from there.

And this just works well for me,

Because I part of stress when it triggers this anxiety for me is it does kind of fog up my brain.

And I do really well with structure when my brain is in that kind of state.

And even though I care to think that I don't need structure,

And that I'm a free spirited butterfly.

I actually totally are.

Thank you.

I'm not the pre goop butterfly.

Sometimes we learned that Ella taught us last week that chrysalis went right before the cocoon and the caterpillar turns into the butterfly.

It goes into a stage of complete meltdown goop.

So side note,

Such a good metaphor.

I take all those priorities.

And then what I'll do is the night before so say it's Sunday night,

I'll write out every single thing I'm going to do Monday and I time block it and I mean crazy time block it.

So I'll say 715 to 745am meditate and journal 745 drink coffee 8am brush teeth and put on clothes 815 to 830 check email 830 to 9 star article for client one,

Which may sound anal and wild to some people.

But when I feel stressed and overwhelmed,

It actually creates a lot of safety for me,

Because I'll have that sheet of paper on my desk and all I do is I just do the tasks.

And I don't have to think about it.

And then if I start thinking about,

Oh my God,

At 3pm I have to do this.

I'm like,

Oh,

Baby,

Slow down.

It's only 830.

And you're just right here doing this one thing.

And so it keeps me contained and it provides this external structure of like,

What my body is doing in any given moment.

But it also provides internal like safety and soothing,

Because it gives me this sense of like,

This is all going to be handled.

It has its time and place.

It's okay.

So really,

Maybe some people live their lives like that.

And they are far less stressed than me.

But I call on that tool when I am in a state of hyper stress,

And I'm way more functional.

So maybe I should do it every day.

So cool.

I so relate.

Maybe I don't have to.

I said,

I want to rest though.

And then I scheduled nap time.

Oh my God scheduled nap time.

I just mean like,

I want to not do my morning routine and not do my scheduling and like,

Tell myself that this rest is going to be just what does it for me and has me so and I did that yesterday and then I poured a bunch of caffeine on top of it.

And then I had this intense stress meltdown.

And perfect timing.

It really was because I got to implement my tool.

And for me just talk in talking about this and what happens for me again is just the recognizing that I am in a state of stress.

And it was really nice hearing your tools,

Having the awareness to be with ourselves enough and then to notice how much stress that I have or that's mounting or what's coming up and how I can prioritize or plan and then to implement the tools that build relief for me instead of saying I'm going to take a rest instead when Denied.

I forget these tools I have in place in these routines I have in place is actually what brings the relief that makes it to where I'm able to choose.

In many instances all the ways there's all these little choices that are there that I can miss when I'm just in a frenzy.

Lindsay's in a frenzy.

Like a friends frenzy?

Yeah.

Can we be in a frenzy right now?

Like a big hug.

That's why a frenzy hug.

A big frenzy.

I love it so much.

It's my camp name is frenzy because I make friends but I'm also in a perpetual state of frenzy.

Okay,

So now that you know everything about me completely,

Let's really get in deeper.

The tool and I have been relying on this since our spirituality in the workplace and I've really just leaned into it.

And I'm a big fan of breathing techniques.

I really I just need someone to tell me what to do and how to do it and then do it when I realize that I am stressed.

Recognizing and addressing the fears on the spot and my stressors take a lot.

So if I am able to recognize that it's taken me a year and a half to even be able to get there and recognize,

Oh,

I am stressed.

I just want to put a little plug in that if you just find yourself completely stressed and not knowing what to do,

Even finding yourself in that space is actually progress.

Say you're in that space,

You're really stressed out and you have that moment of pause somehow it's been given to you and you realize,

Oh,

I know a breathing technique that will help to shift my nervous system into relaxation mode.

This is science people.

That helps me so much.

This is how you do it.

This is the breathing technique.

You're going to breathe in for two and then you're going to breathe out for four.

So inhale for two and out for four.

And you do,

I would say five rounds of that.

For some several rounds,

You're going to breathe in for three.

So you're going to breathe in for three and then you're going to breathe out for six.

So in for three and out for six and do that for several rounds.

And then finally,

You're going to breathe in for four and you're going to breathe out for eight.

So no matter what,

It's always the exhale is doubled whatever you inhaled.

So if you're going to breathe in for four and then exhale for eight.

So these are really big,

Slow inhales and exhale for eight.

I feel so much better.

It's really so useful and do several rounds of that.

And often what I've found too is that even after I do all of that,

And then maybe I feel better,

It might be half a second later and I'm triggered again.

I remember the thing or like something happened and I go back and I start at two and I go through it again.

And this is totally portable.

Nobody even knows that you're doing it.

You can do it anytime.

I did it on public transportation for 20 minutes yesterday.

And it is the first time that I have been able to recognize that I had myself in full,

Insane mode,

Stressed out completely.

I was able to catch myself and then I was able to implement this tool.

And I was capable and able of taking care of myself and having choice to either stay in that mode of stress or to choose to get into action and apply some tools.

And it's just a miracle.

It's so amazing.

It just is like,

I was,

And then what's interesting is I was then scared for most of the day because I'm like,

Oh,

Well,

I got out of it.

Okay.

And then I was like,

Oh God,

It could come back,

Which would then start my stress.

So sweet.

So that's just been like,

Yeah,

What the practical application and then what it actually looks like while I'm living it.

These tools are such an opportunity to try and apply.

And even if it's,

Even if it's just in hindsight,

Right?

Like I look back at the back of my day and I realize that there were a couple of times I really could have paused or I could have brought in some thoughtful breathing or maybe I could have scheduled my day better or really questioned my thoughts today.

Even if it's two days later,

That is really a homecoming for yourself.

That's so sweet.

Oh my goodness.

Well,

What are we going to talk about next week?

Oh yeah.

So it's going to get really goopy and kind of drippy and probably kind of gross because we're talking about self pity.

It's like a little Gollum swamp monster in my mind.

I don't know what it's like for you guys,

But I guess we'll find out next time.

I can't wait.

Wow.

Gather up all the ways that you just feel so sorry for yourself and join us next week.

Bye.

Bye.

We love you.

Reviews

Great information! Thank you!

Absolutely loved this! Thank you! I will be listening to more💕

Really helpful to hear others talk about how stress takes over their minds & bodies (just like me). Plus they offer several different practices & tools that have helped them when they are in a stress state.

Really awesome tools ladies! Thank you! As a holistic therapist, I see so many people with stress which underlies most other issues... It's a massive topic, you covered it brilliantly! Love you beautiful souls 💜x

I love those ladies and the different tools they use for stress 🙏