The Point Of Power Is In Us

True transformation begins when we take responsibility for our spiritual journey. We will emerge victorious when we realize the answers are inside

We can also realize that we always have a choice. When a car (or life) splashes muddy water on us, we can choose to laugh and let it go or we can complain and hold on to it.

Even in moments of despair, instead of only looking for help in the outside world, we can turn inward. Rather than fighting this material, we can ask where does this feeling arise from? What is the root? The answers will gradually surface from within.

Our true nature does not cater to the desires of the ego. We learn to stand back and observe our emotions, thoughts and actions. We can try to be present with whatever arises—even if it feels chaotic or crazy. This is often a sign that we are on the threshold of connecting deeply with our soul.

Transcript

Blessings,

Everyone.

Before we start,

Amma is giving darshan right now.

Yeah,

Not very far away.

And,

You know,

Think of the generosity of her grace.

I'm writing the satsang that I'm going to be giving,

And she is the most generously loving spiritual master who's ever lived,

Who has hugged 40 million people.

It is just,

And I want you to imagine her grace is coming to you,

And coming to this,

Yeah,

To our time together.

Yeah.

I'm seeing it as pink and gold.

Yeah.

Now,

The thing about grace is the cleaner we are,

The more we can receive it.

The cleaner we are,

The more we can receive it.

It's like having clean windows,

Then you can see the sunshine.

You know,

If the windows are grubby or dark,

You can't see the light.

So,

I don't want you to judge yourselves at all if you feel darkness,

Because a lot of people are,

But just remember her grace,

And let it give you the strength to be the best version of you.

Now,

Starting now,

Just starting now.

Yeah,

That's,

You guys,

That's what I did.

I wanted to be my best version,

And it wasn't an intellectual decision.

It was with my heart.

I just was going to be the best version of Janet Hobbs possible.

Right.

This grace is coming to you.

I feel it coming to you.

Yeah.

It doesn't matter if you can't feel it or if you feel you don't deserve it.

It's still coming.

Right.

You're all so beautiful.

You're all so dear to me,

Even if I'm being hard with you or tough with you.

You're all so dear to me.

And I have to be tough,

Because this is a very difficult study.

It's why,

Say,

The Zen masters used,

They had wooden bats they pounded their students with,

Because Zen is so subtle and so soft.

And without a certain degree of harshness,

It will be misunderstood.

And this is very similar to Zen or Sufism.

It's the sort of mystical,

Ecstatic side of the spiritual journey.

Yeah,

Okay,

You got that.

Okay,

Good.

You're entitled.

Okay,

Good.

Good.

And this grace will give you a subtle wisdom and sensitivity.

Yeah.

And it will help you be more than you ever thought you could be.

I promise you.

Just be patient.

Be patient.

Be patient.

Yeah.

Now,

Some people have contacted me ahead of time that they wanted to speak.

Partly,

There's one person who's shy and wanted me to invite them.

And there's another person who has kind of a pressing difficulty that she wanted to speak about.

And then we'll go to,

I'm sure we'll have time.

So we'll just keep going.

And we'll go over like we always do.

Okay.

Anne,

You had something that you wanted to speak about and Anna was going to translate.

You want to go ahead?

I've been changing rooms four times already since I've been here in the Ephraim.

And I always feel like ending up in rooms that are not,

They're not inhabitable.

You can't live in them,

You know,

Because they're impossible.

Okay.

In my last room,

The door was broken.

It couldn't be closed.

And then I had a mouse in my room.

And then I got an old rat thing to catch rats.

Yeah.

But I couldn't close the door.

So I had the feeling I attract the animals through the open door.

And now I moved,

I changed room again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And what's this room like?

Sorry?

What's the new room like?

This new room isn't really nice either.

The woman who was in the room before,

She went home to Berlin and she told Anne that she has developed an allergy because of something in the room.

And in this new room,

I really don't feel comfortable.

I've got a question for you.

So you and I are standing on the street corner.

Neither of us are wearing coats.

And a car goes by and splashes both of us with a dirty mud puddle.

What?

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Okay.

So I'd like to know what your response would be to that.

And I also want to know what you think Prima Suda's response would be.

I can imagine that Prima Suda will just laugh about it and take it not too serious.

Right.

What would you do,

Anne?

I would yell,

Oh shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you'd say,

This always happens to me.

And you'd say,

I'm gonna get pneumonia.

Yeah.

Now,

Sweetie pie,

You worry me a little bit because your soul has decided that you're going to learn your lessons.

Okay.

And it's taking you through great pain.

I'm talking about your periods of great pain in the last couple of years.

But you are refusing to change your head's point of view.

So this is the worst possible experience of existence.

The soul's insisting on teaching you and you're refusing to learn.

Yeah.

And the problem is really you reject yourself and so you reject everything.

Yeah.

I mean,

If you want to go to a nice ashram,

You need to go to Sai Baba's ashram,

If you want pleasant surroundings.

I mean,

Amma's basic.

It is basic here.

You see,

Sweetie,

If you knew that I would laugh,

This is the key to what I'm saying to you.

If you knew that Premasuda would laugh,

You have that response in your own repertoire.

Do you see?

It's there.

Yeah.

You knew Premasuda would laugh.

It's like you could then laugh too.

You could.

It's in your set of choices.

You see,

My concern,

Anne,

Is I almost think you and Anna shouldn't come to the ashram together,

Because I think what happens is you get needy and Anna tries to help you.

And so the needy pattern of Anne continues.

When I've seen you do the best,

It's when there is nobody to save you.

And then you come through in flying colors.

None of this is probably what you wanted to hear.

Sweetie pie,

It's been going on for so long.

It's like 14 years.

You know,

It's a miracle that you're here in Amma's ashram.

And that you can get hugs.

You see,

You nailed what Premasuda would do,

Which is,

Yeah,

I'd be shocked and I'd laugh and I'd go,

Oh,

Bad karma.

You see,

And if you knew that,

It's because that is in your repertoire of what you could do too.

It's available to you to be like that.

Yeah,

Sweet one,

You know,

I don't know,

You know,

Premasuda faced all kinds of obstacles.

I just wanted to learn my lesson,

You know,

And I knew that nobody else could save me.

And I don't think you know that.

I mean,

I think you know underneath,

But I think you act as if somebody outside you can save you and they can't.

It's your inner decision.

You see,

Sweetie,

You can't find self-acceptance,

So you can't build a home in your heart,

Because you reject yourself,

So you can't find a comfortable place outside.

You can't find a comfortable room in the ashram,

Because of the self-rejection you're running.

You can't find self-acceptance for yourself.

You can't find a home for yourself in your own heart,

And that's why you can't find a home in the rooms here.

Yeah,

That's the bottom line.

Yes,

That's it,

She said.

Yes,

So sweetie,

Pai,

It's like,

Okay,

Are we going to have 15 years,

16 years of it?

Are you going to start laughing at yourself,

Sweet one?

Very dear,

And my heart goes out to you,

But I also feel like giving you a shake.

You are so dear,

And her heart goes to you and flies to you,

But still she has to shake you a bit.

Is there any,

Do you have anything you want to say before we complete,

Anne?

To me,

Is there any response or anything?

I have already had this feeling that I can't find a place in my own heart,

That I can't find it.

I know,

So exactly,

This is my point with you,

I know you know underneath,

So just stop the drama,

Okay,

And get down to it.

So,

Yes,

That's exactly the point,

What Huda is saying,

And she knows that you know it exactly underneath,

And that's why,

Stop the drama.

Yeah,

Right,

Okay,

Blessings,

I know it's a tough one.

I'll tell you,

When you get the breakthrough that Prima Huda is going to applaud,

I'm sure everybody will,

Just because we love you,

Sweet one,

Okay,

Remember we love you,

Okay,

Please.

And everybody here has a broken heart,

And they know what it feels like to be rejected,

And to,

You know,

Have this kind of difficulty,

So.

Und jeder von uns hier hat ein gebrochenes Herzen und weiß,

Wie sich das anfühlt,

So zurückgewiesen zu sein,

Und solche Probleme zu haben.

Yeah,

Sweet one,

Okay,

Blessings.

Now,

On to Marion,

Who is new to the group,

And wanted me to invite her to speak,

Which is very smart.

Marion,

Are you there?

Oh,

Here she comes,

Good.

Can you hear me?

Yeah,

I can hear you,

Good.

Thank you so much,

Huda,

For asking me,

And I just wanted to say hello to the group,

Hello to everybody.

Yeah,

Marion,

I just want to say,

That was very self-loving and proactive to ask me to ask you,

You know,

Saying that you'd be too shy to come forward,

That is self-love,

What you did,

An act of self-love,

So it's very good.

Oh,

Thank you,

And Maxi,

I see you,

Hi.

I'm crying,

Because Maxi forwarded your link to me a couple of weeks ago,

Because she was,

Just a second to breathe.

Yeah,

Take your time,

Yeah.

You don't want to put on your video?

I don't know how.

I don't know.

Yeah,

Because Maxi knew that I was in trouble,

And that she said,

Well,

Just come to the group,

And I said,

Well,

Okay,

I could do that,

And then I was just listening,

And then I came the second time,

And the third time,

And then it felt wrong not to say anything,

Because it's such an open-hearted and open-minded group,

And so loving,

And I just didn't want to sit,

Like,

In the back.

Yeah,

Good,

It's fantastic.

Oh,

Because it's so,

Like,

Corona did it,

Like,

I was in groups before,

Just life groups,

Like,

Body psychotherapists,

And so on,

And then Corona came,

And these video things came into our world,

And it's amazing how it works,

Nevertheless,

Without seeing each other,

Like,

One-to-one,

Like,

In real life,

And just like the,

What is the English word,

The sign that,

Yeah,

Like,

Time is,

Like,

That everything happens at the same time,

Like,

Oh,

Yeah,

Yeah,

Okay,

So what's your,

What's your,

What do you want to speak about,

Marianne?

I heard in one of the satsangs that we could just,

Or you could just put someone on your praying list,

So we could just pray together,

Because I have,

My daughter is in pretty much trouble,

She's 11,

And I'm going through hell with her,

Because of her father,

And my ex-husband,

And I'm,

What I'm trying to learn here is to be patient,

And to,

And to pray,

It got me into praying again,

Because I'm getting into situations where I can't do anything besides waiting,

And hoping that,

What,

What's the problem with her?

The problem is that she got a panic attack a couple of months ago,

Because she didn't want to see her father at that time,

And,

But I didn't want to push her to go to him,

And that he didn't want it,

Because he said,

Well,

But law said,

You are with me on this,

And at those days,

And then I decided to be a lion's mom,

And to ask law to help me,

And then law decided that she doesn't have to see him right now,

Until help is going to be introduced,

And we are living in Germany,

And Germany is pretty bureaucratic,

And it just takes time,

So he hasn't seen,

She hasn't seen him for four months now,

And it will take probably two more months,

I don't know,

I just don't know,

And she has a tooth problem,

Like she has to get rid of her,

Probably two of her teeth,

The second teeth,

And so on,

And she's 11,

I mean,

She is quite in the state of changing to be a young lady,

And it's all confusing enough,

And now she's losing her teeth,

And all these things,

And I just loved that we all could pray too,

That she gets some more stability in her life,

And that I could carry that more to be a good and patient mom,

Just to be with her when she's in trouble,

Because it's exhausting for me,

I'm working,

And I'm like,

Yeah,

We have to be ourselves,

Remember,

It's where we have to be ourselves,

And mother from that,

Yeah,

Rather than being,

Trying to be the perfect mom,

But I'm,

You know,

Yeah,

I can feel the,

I can feel it,

What is the anxiety connected to,

What scares her about her dad,

Do you know?

I'm not quite sure,

I think it's just because there is some mental health issue,

But nobody knows what kind of,

And maybe they find out what it is.

With him,

With the dad?

Yeah,

Yeah,

With him,

And I have no idea what kind of,

We'll see,

I don't know.

Okay,

So,

And sometimes he's just complicated,

And can't say what he thinks,

Like,

He's very complicated,

And she doesn't understand him,

And she can't.

Yeah,

With the masculine training,

It's sometimes hard for them to feel their feelings,

And then speak about it,

Yeah.

Okay,

So,

I am very practically-minded with my engineering brothers,

You know,

Like problem-solving,

So I would start her on subliminal tapes for anxiety and depression.

I used subliminals,

I've told all you guys this,

I used anti-,

I was on antidepressants three times,

I got so fed up with them,

And I discovered subliminals,

And I never looked back,

And three,

Twice a day,

For three weeks,

If she listens,

And it's,

The words are hidden in music,

She will start to feel better,

Because it's like,

It's sort of,

You know,

You can get all the help in the world,

And everybody's going to try hard,

And everything,

But it's better if you can just come up with a solution yourselves,

Like,

You guys,

Have you heard with the wildfires in Los Angeles is burning up?

Well,

There've been about three guys who stayed at their home,

And used the water in their pool,

And saved their house,

And saved their neighbor's house.

These people took action to help themselves,

They solved it.

The Los Angeles,

We could have had thousands and thousands of people actually just protecting their old homes.

So,

In this,

In our culture,

This is not encouraged,

But it will become encouraged,

Because it's falling apart,

But the self-help at this level,

Like doing something like this,

Starting the subliminals,

And you could just play them,

You don't even have to tell her,

You could just play them,

You would probably benefit too,

So you're both hearing them twice a day,

For three weeks,

And then see what happens,

And also the prayers will be coming to you,

And see what happens,

Because I wouldn't expect a lot of help from any psychologist or anything.

If you can bump up,

If you can kind of slip into a higher vibration,

If you can slip into,

You know,

Moving into your heart,

Um,

And,

And helping your daughter just find some peace,

It feels like she's lost touch with her own heart in a,

In a peaceful way,

And you know,

It's like you have to,

And I think these,

Some soothing subliminals might really help.

So,

How do you feel about what I've said?

Yeah,

Sounds good.

Yeah.

Because I can do something.

Yes,

It's like the,

The guys who saved their houses,

It's like now they're heroes,

Now they're being plotted heroes,

They just,

They just took action to save themselves,

Because look,

Whenever we go and look to the government,

Or,

Or too many professionals,

Lots of times we're disappointed,

You know.

It's like the point of power is in us,

And it's like with Anne,

It's like the point of power to,

To love and accept yourself,

That's in Anne,

It's not in any room.

By the way,

Somebody left a message that they had a mouse in their room too,

And it's like,

Was that Laura?

Somebody put the message in,

But anyway,

Yeah,

Self-help,

And,

And,

And don't,

Don't,

Don't worry about it too much,

You know,

Like try not to worry about it too much.

I'll,

I'll send you some links for some possible audios.

Yeah,

Twice a day,

It has to be twice a day,

And they'll be about half an hour long,

Maybe,

And it's just music,

You can play it while you're cooking or talking to her.

Oh,

Great,

So great,

Thank you so much.

I'm,

I'm thinking of you and what you said,

Said the last couple of days and weeks,

And one of your satsangs,

You said,

Watch the data,

Like,

Right,

Watch what's going on outside,

And it's changing,

It's already changing,

So I'm,

I'm curious what will happen,

I'm so curious,

Thank you so much.

Yeah,

Well,

Blessings,

And all the,

You know,

All the satsang members,

We all,

We're all rooting for each other,

You know,

We're all praying for each other,

You know,

Everybody's got this beautiful open heart,

Open pure heart,

Even if I give you guys a hard time,

You wouldn't be here if you didn't have open pure hearts,

You just wouldn't want to come,

And the more you want to come,

Actually,

That's a good sign.

Marianne,

I'm so pleased that you were proactive and came forward like this,

It's wonderful,

It's wonderful modeling to everybody,

Too.

Thank you so much,

All you guys.

Next,

I will figure out how to put the video on,

It's,

It's going step by step for me,

I'm an,

I'm a dinosaur.

Yeah,

No,

Don't,

Don't worry,

It's like,

Don't worry,

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay.

Veronica,

How are you after our chat?

Hello.

Hi,

Sweetie.

I am really tired.

I listened to the subliminals yesterday,

And I felt a lot of peace afterwards.

But I also felt like I accessed this deeper part of myself that,

You know,

Has always been there.

But I'm on the call.

No,

Thanks.

Anyway.

Yeah,

It just made me really exhausted.

Because I feel like my energy is moving in a different way.

Away from my head and like more towards like,

More instinctual way of living,

I guess.

You know,

Veronica,

Anna has been feeling really exhausted.

And it became clear to her that it was from the exhaustion of having lived with so many defenses,

And the defenses are dying.

And she's feeling how exhausting it is living that way.

Yeah,

That's a big thing.

Yeah.

Yeah,

Just be with it.

You know,

It is a process.

You're in a two year process.

I feel it's going to take two years.

And you are going to change a great deal during this period.

And you're going to come out of your shell and discover a kind of invincible warm strength within you like you're going to really start coming into your heart and coming from your heart in a very courageous way over the next two years.

Okay,

And just go through everything you go through.

So you're tired right now.

This is all part of the process.

You're safe in this process.

Yeah,

Yeah,

I feel safe.

It feels good to be in the process.

And I'm not trying to like spiritually bypass or anything.

You know,

I'm really trying to make sure that I'm going as slow as my body will allow me right now.

Which is hard.

Yeah,

It's hard,

Isn't it?

It's really hard.

What are you gonna do?

I know.

What are you gonna do?

I know.

I'm just trying to listen.

Yep.

Yep.

Yeah,

I am so glad to be through all this stuff.

No idea.

Oh,

I'm so happy.

I don't feel that anymore.

Although,

You know,

Look,

I've got old age to deal with.

So,

You know,

There's always something.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well,

It's sort of like,

You know,

The mud puddle getting sprayed with a mud puddle and laughing.

There's just,

Yeah,

There's just,

When you know,

Our hearts when you come out of your head,

It's way easier to laugh about things.

I feel there's several,

I feel they're four kind of desperate people.

And,

You know,

Desperation comes up sometimes.

I'm just going to be working with you for a minute,

With the group.

And remember,

You guys,

Remember Amma's grace is coming to you,

Okay?

Close your eyes and think of Amma's grace,

You know?

This woman has hugged 40 million people.

Miracles happen daily around her.

Right?

She's in the air that you're breathing.

Her love is in the air that you're breathing.

That's good.

I so wish I could take your pain from you,

You guys.

All I can do is say,

I felt it too,

And I found a way out.

And there's a way out.

And this one is so sturdy in it at this point.

I can really stand there with 100% and say,

There's a way out.

You can find a way out.

And,

You know,

Remember how many years it took me.

And,

You know,

Hopefully it takes you far less,

But that's what I'm hoping.

There's several of you who feel kind of pushed against the wall,

Up against the wall.

Yeah.

Any of you can email me any time.

You put yourselves on the prayer page.

Oh,

Really?

You get daily blasts from Prama Sutta.

Yeah.

And remember,

It's like,

It's incremental.

The change just happens like pregnancy or a small child growing.

You know,

When you've got kids,

You know,

They seem to stay where they are forever,

But then you look at pictures from six months ago,

And they've changed so much.

You've changed so much already.

And I feel for some of you because you're,

You know,

You're starting to take your ego apart a little bit,

Like you're starting to,

You know,

Do this deeper level of ego death.

And it's very safe,

But it's hair raising.

Yep.

Really,

I feel like,

You know,

The bhajans and everything,

We do this daily bhajans and the meditations and the satsang,

This daily kind of,

And Darshan,

The daily routine.

And I feel like it's like a mom with toddlers setting up a routine to keep everybody feeling safe,

Really.

I do think it's that.

She keeps us safe with this routine.

We're all busy.

And,

You know,

With the music,

It's soothing and takes you higher.

Come forward,

Anybody who wants to speak,

Get something off their chest.

Just come forward.

Don't worry about taking up space or we'll just keep,

We'll just keep going.

Hey,

Pramasutha.

Maxi,

How are you,

Sweet one?

Oh,

It's been dark and tough since we talked.

We talked on January 1st.

Yeah.

I had really like a blue moment after this.

I felt so light and so energetic and I felt like,

Oh,

I can do anything.

It was really nice.

But after this,

Like for one and a half weeks,

It's really been heavy and dark and frustrating,

Depressing.

So it's kind of hard for me to go through it.

Yeah.

I would like to have some prayer.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's your integration,

Right?

I guess.

Yeah,

I know.

We don't even trust that it's integration,

But I'll tell you,

It is like clockwork.

You make a step into truth.

You have a blue moment.

You have some enhanced perception.

And then the shit hits the fan.

It just keeps doing this and keeps doing this.

Then you keep just.

But when you're in the darker period,

You pray intensely.

And that's the point.

Let the darkness.

Don't feel sorry for yourself.

Let it intensify your prayer.

Trilla Chan's really getting that.

He's letting the pain intensify his prayer.

I was so happy when he wrote that.

It's like we can feel sorry for ourselves,

Maxi.

Yes.

Don't.

Yeah,

Don't just notice it.

But don't,

You know,

Steer towards just go.

This is what Premasuddha went through to me,

Too.

I'm going through it,

Too.

I've hit a wall.

It's like dead silence.

Like what?

Like,

Oh,

Gosh,

This is this is a little bit what I felt in Anne.

Maxi,

You see,

We women,

You know,

We can do this.

It's kind of like,

Oh,

Poor me.

I need somebody.

I need somebody to rescue me.

I'm suffering.

You've lost your sense of humor,

Maxi.

What's going on with you?

What again?

I lost my sense of humor.

Did you say that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's kind of how it feels.

Yeah,

I know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You just got to turn to God when you're like nobody.

You women,

You women,

Actually,

You all do this.

Or many of you do this.

You realize that you have to be the one to turn to God.

No teacher can do it for you.

Yeah.

You forget the juice from yourself.

Right.

A Pramasutra can't do it.

I mean,

Really,

You know,

I have seen a lot.

I have,

You know,

Moved heaven and earth to help people who 20 years later,

They're still doing the same thing because they didn't.

The expression in Christianity is,

You know,

Picking up your cross.

You pick up your cross and you carry it.

You take responsibility for your wounding and you realize that there's nobody else that can get you through it.

It's you and God.

It's between you and God.

It's between you and Alma,

You and the creator.

People can encourage you,

They can offer wisdom,

But nobody can do it for you.

And there's part of you that wants people to do it for you,

Just like with Anne.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why?

Because people just let us down,

Maxie.

Think about it.

Think about all the people who let you down in your life,

Like that you wanted something for,

Then they let you down.

Like,

You know,

It's way safer to just realize that you're the one who,

You're the boss of things.

You can do it.

Yeah.

You know,

Maxie,

I think it's you think you,

In order to turn and face God,

It's like you think you have to be someone other than Maxie.

And I'm saying,

Just be Maxie and turn to God.

You don't have to become someone other than Maxie.

You know,

I feel like you're deaf to this.

Okay.

What do you guess?

What do you guess that I'm saying to you?

That I have to do it,

Like Maxie has to do it,

But yeah.

But you,

It's what you do is somehow you have to,

You go,

Oh,

I have to be the perfect Maxie,

And then I'll turn to God.

And I'm like,

No,

Just turn to God and ask for help with the imperfect self-pitting Maxie.

You've lost your sense of humor too.

You've lost your sense of humor.

It's okay.

The kids are just gonna let them do their thing.

If you try to control them,

Just let them.

I'll send love to them.

Maxie.

Thank you.

Please.

No,

Sweetie pie.

Come on,

Come on,

Come on.

You don't have to be perfect.

Just be Maxie and turn to God.

Forget it.

Who else can do it?

Supposing I'm saying to you,

Maxie,

You're my teacher.

I'm coming to you.

I'm going,

Oh,

I'm really upset and everything.

And you go,

Well,

Turn to God.

And I go,

Oh.

I don't know how.

Maxie,

Maxie,

Save me.

Help me,

Maxie.

Save me.

I want you to save me,

Maxie.

But what are you going to say to me?

You can do it.

You can do it.

Yeah.

I mean,

Really,

You're saying you're going to have to do it.

I mean,

How do you feel when I'm saying,

Maxie,

Do it for me?

How do you feel when I'm saying this to you?

How does that feel to you?

Not good.

I feel like I can't do it.

You have to do it yourself.

Yeah.

Oh,

So this is what I feel with you guys.

But I know that the thing that you forget is what Jenna's big breakthrough was,

Which was when she,

Can you say it again,

Jenna?

Say it again,

What you did.

Even if it just lasted a day,

It'll come back.

I can save myself.

I'm strong enough.

Right.

And you did it with gentleness,

Right?

You did it with gentleness.

And you really felt it like,

Yeah,

Of course I can save myself.

I can do this.

And you were gentle with yourself.

And you realize that when I've been saying,

You've got to do it,

You've got to turn and do it yourself.

You realize that it wasn't it wasn't intended to be harsh,

Right?

You could just do it gently like you guys,

Like,

Like you did it.

Even if you got integration after,

Because Jenna got integration after that,

Jenna got like darkness after that,

After that breakthrough.

You guys,

It's a savage journey.

Do you understand?

It is why so few people do it.

It's savage.

Your ego is savage.

Your ego is like the worst dictator trying to do stealth,

Stealth.

What's the word like for wars that are really guerrilla warfare?

The ego does guerrilla warfare inside ourselves to try to keep us away from God,

From the Creator.

Really tries every trick in the book.

And that's why you just have to walk through it all and go like,

I will twill thy will,

Say your mantra,

All those things.

You know,

And sometimes we,

We lose the courage.

Sometimes we feel weak.

I mean,

I'll tell you guys,

Okay,

You guys,

I've told you this.

So I remember rolling round in darkness,

Feeling really sorry for myself,

For,

I don't know,

I want to say two months,

Maybe not that long a month.

And you know,

I was raising these little shamans.

So Eric,

10 year old Eric turns to me and goes,

Mom,

Whatever you're doing,

You're really hurting John and me.

Yeah.

So I got the cost of me not taking it to the Creator,

Not taking responsibility for my stuff or rolling round in it.

But Maxie,

This is just,

I can feel it.

It's just going,

Everything I'm saying is just kind of going in the garbage dump of I'm a bad girl.

Sweet one.

It feels like you feel like a it's like,

Yeah.

So,

You know,

I guess you're just gonna feel that way till you go,

I don't have to do this anymore.

Sometimes you guys look,

Sometimes you're going to feel really crappy.

What I'm,

What I'm trying to make sure that you guys know your safety is in turning the Creator and that you get the sequence,

You will have breakthroughs,

And then the darkness will come.

It will be back and forth.

And the more sincerely you turn to the Creator,

The more the darkness will dissolve.

Oh,

Sweeties.

You know,

You know,

It took me years.

It does take years.

It's interesting.

There's something coming.

Hold on.

It's sort of like,

It's okay to feel lost and alone.

Okay?

You guys,

It's okay to feel it,

To just to be in it.

And if you can't take it to the Creator,

It's still okay.

It's okay that you can't.

You can,

You can just be in it.

And what will happen is if you're just in it and you don't fight it,

You will be brought out of it.

Yeah,

It goes light and dark,

Light and dark.

And it's okay to be lost and alone,

To feel lost and alone.

You know,

I have felt lost and alone a lot,

But the thing I knew is nobody else could save me.

Even Amma,

I remember,

You know,

I remember at one point asking her to like bend the rules for me.

You know,

Prema Sudha is such a character,

You know.

So I was like telling Amma that I wanted her to bend the rules for me so that like I could have like as easy a path as possible,

And maybe not have to go through kind of as much hardship as I might have without knowing Amma.

And when I look back,

It's like,

You know,

Her presence made it a lot easier,

But I had to go through everything I went through.

Do you see what I mean?

I,

I,

There were certain things that had to be,

Certain points in the journey that you just,

You just have to do.

In the structure of the journey,

You just have to do them.

There is this part of the structure where you have to become non-attached.

You just become non-attached and you start witnessing.

And yeah,

You,

You guys,

Yeah,

My heart's getting broken with the,

Your struggles,

But nobody can really take your struggles from you.

Yeah.

Maybe come back to,

Could you feel your heart,

Please?

All of you,

Come back to your physical heart.

Yeah,

Feel your physical heart,

Please.

You see,

One of the things that's hard about spiritual teaching is you,

You tell everybody what to do,

And then you know they don't do it.

And then you know that they're going to come the next week,

And they're going to be in pain,

And they're going to want you to make it better.

Which is just human,

Right?

I mean,

It's just like,

But I feel like we need to shatter some glass almost.

It's like go through a window.

It's what I feel like.

It's as if we're caught behind a window pane and the,

And the glass has to shatter so that you'll breathe fresh air and connect up with the outside,

With what's outside your egos in a way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good.

That's better.

You know,

If you ever have a feeling that there's glass between you and your experience,

That is just your head coming in.

That's just where you're,

You're caught in your intellect.

Rather,

And you're not coming from the heart,

But it's,

It's not a bad thing.

You,

It can melt or the shatter,

The glass can shatter.

Yeah.

It's almost like the glass needs to shatter.

Yeah.

It's,

It's a,

This glass between us and life is something that's very common with,

I don't know if you're conscious of it,

But it has come up a lot with working with people.

And it's where they're,

They're stuck in the intellect and their intellect is making a kind of a glass separation between them and their lives.

It's a little bit like the tower theme that I was talking about.

We get caught in our heads and it's like the glass has to shatter.

Right.

You're all so loved,

You guys.

But if I just coddle you,

You know,

That won't help you.

Yeah.

Gee,

This has helped with the glass.

It's a little bit.

How are you,

Maxie?

What's going on with you now?

Yeah,

I feel,

I feel more peace.

Yeah.

It's,

And with the glass thing,

I just wanted to take the hammer and break it.

So that's what happened to my mind,

Yeah.

Yeah.

Everybody,

Everybody has a smashed window for next week,

Right?

But then the mice will come in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know,

I would just use my imagination over and over,

You know,

Open the windows and doors of your mind.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know,

Maxie,

Just investigate this,

Just,

You know,

Journal about what you're in.

It feels like there's a deeper thing in it,

It's a little,

It's,

It's a deeper complex is coming up to be healed.

So it's,

It,

It,

It feels like kind of not a quick fix.

It feels like you have to really turn your eyes towards your own heart.

And,

And,

And,

You know,

Work with stilling your mind,

So that some perceptions can bubble up.

So some understanding can bubble up.

So you know,

Saying your mantra,

You know,

Pretending to be a cow chewing your cud,

You know,

Just,

Just keeping the mind calmer,

So that some insights can come up,

I think you need some deeper insights.

You see,

This is where it's,

It can happen on the journey that we feel stuck,

Because it's just a deeper level of the complex coming up.

So we just get stuck for a bit.

But we have to turn inside.

Ask for grace.

Yeah,

Feels like there's deeper,

Deeper resistance to be uncovered some deeper,

Some deeper stuff,

Maxie.

That's why it's hard.

Just be patient with it.

Yeah,

I kind of feel what you mean.

Because that's what I felt in the last week to this,

I was talking to I'm like,

What is it?

I What is it like?

Yeah.

Yeah,

It's Yeah,

It's a it's something that you got to kind of get your,

Your heart and mind around is bigger than,

Yeah,

We get these bigger steps,

You guys.

This deeper stuff comes up,

And we have to make a step to kind of open our hearts and minds to even begin to unravel it for it to kind of come up to be unraveled.

Yeah,

It patients Yeah.

Yeah.

Put yourself on the prayer page.

I will get all the help you can get a really twice a day.

Thank you.

Oh,

My goodness.

You know,

You guys,

It's like we do this for fun,

Right?

Kind of,

It's kind of a comedy,

Because it's kind of agonizing.

But the results are good.

And it helps the world.

You know,

It helps the world.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It does.

It really does.

You know,

I know,

Deeper stuff is coming up in several that I'm working with,

I'm working with,

You know,

So maybe that's the theme of this week,

The deeper levels of the journey.

And that's why everybody's a little going home,

Mama.

Oh,

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So who needs to speak?

Hi,

Parmasuda.

It's Stephanie.

Yes,

Stephanie.

How are you?

Just feeling frustrated.

A lot of frustration.

And hopelessness.

I think it's just the same loops coming again.

Yeah.

Well,

I know you're in a deeper step.

You know,

A step into deepening.

Yeah.

You guys,

You know it.

Remember,

Gabriel came and the answers are inside,

And we're trained to look outside.

So it's this sort of screech and turning,

Turning up and turning to look within.

And it's going against our whole culture.

It's going against our whole culture.

And probably many of our lives.

Yeah.

So,

Sweetie,

Stephanie,

I mean,

I think that's kind of it,

Like you've been stopped in your tracks,

But it's like,

In a way,

You don't know how to deepen.

You don't know how to actually look inside.

You don't know how to become more self-aware,

More aware of yourself and what you're doing.

You're so,

So wanting good things to happen on the outside.

It's so great.

But but to it's like I can feel you're warring with yourself.

Yeah.

It's like it's a war with your true nature.

Yeah.

And your true nature isn't doing what your ego wants.

And it's it's the ego that has to die,

You know?

Yeah.

Sweetie,

This is going to take time.

It's going to take time.

You remember,

I,

I said to you,

I was talking about the self,

A journey of self-realization and talking and saying it was like crossing an abyss by walking over a hair,

A single hair.

Okay.

Do you know what?

I saw exactly that thought in a poem written by a spiritual master saying it was like a single hair.

Okay,

So it's kind of holding on to a very,

Very subtle knowing of truth and God and holding onto that through all the and just being with all the wars that happen inside,

Just being with the wars and all the stuff that comes up.

All of you listen to this.

Maxie,

Listen to what I'm saying,

Right?

All of you guys listen to it.

You just be with the war going on.

You just be with the hopelessness of it.

And it resolves.

If you have a really deep commitment to come into truth,

If it's really deep in you,

Which it is,

I would say in you guys,

And some of you have done a beautiful job with deepening.

Trilla Chan and Michael,

You're starting,

Michael,

You're starting to deepen beautifully.

I mean,

I know it's uncomfortable,

But it's just deepening,

And you're not going to be able to stay the same,

Stephanie,

At all.

Yeah,

And just be with it and go through it and do things to comfort yourself.

And you know,

It's so slow that we don't see our progress,

You guys.

So I can see your progress in all of you guys.

But you know,

You guys,

We tend to want it right away,

Right?

And it's longer than that.

So what's your biggest obstacle,

Stephanie,

With this,

With what you're going through?

What's the hardest thing?

I think it's the thoughts that are coming that are so rapid,

And like,

Some of them are really crazy.

And it's kind of like,

I know to be with them and to just observe them as best I can,

Send love to myself,

Like,

Be compassionate,

Like,

My voice is getting raspy again,

So I can feel the anger.

But also,

Like,

It's like,

I also then worry then that these thoughts are going towards the people that I'm having the thoughts towards,

Because,

You know,

It's like getting triggered,

Like an animal.

And I tend to watch,

I observe myself,

Or I can see myself watching these videos,

Always have these hurt animals that get saved.

Like,

I,

Yeah.

And so I know,

When I start watching these videos,

Especially a lot of them,

Like right now that I'm like,

I know inside,

I'm feeling like this hurt animal,

But that I'm going to get saved by Allah,

Or like,

Just keep praying through it,

Whatnot.

And I'm also,

For whatever reason,

Getting drawn to watching these like gangster type,

Like gangsters paradise music,

Like this gangster mob thing inside of me is coming up,

Which I didn't realize was there.

But the biggest thing is these thoughts that are coming,

You know,

And that they are directed at people,

But I know they're not,

That's not their fault.

Like,

It's not them,

It's me.

But the thoughts are just so insane,

That I struggle with them.

Like,

I'm trying to observe them,

I'm trying to send love.

But they're like these blaming,

Hating thoughts that are like,

And a lot of them are towards my mother.

Like,

It's,

And I don't,

It's like,

I don't want them.

So I,

I feel like I'm pushing them away.

But then I know that that's not the answer either.

I feel so stuck in all of it.

And the answer is I'm in love,

Which I intellectually understand,

But it's the waiting in the,

It just feels endless.

Yeah,

It really is like being stuck in sewage,

Isn't it?

It really is like,

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then I don't know what weighs up.

So I'm trying to swim and then something seems like,

Okay,

Go this way,

To try and help myself.

And then it's like,

Nope,

That's not the way either.

Like you got that wrong.

So you get blocked,

And you have to go back or it feels like swimming backwards against the current,

But then the current takes you.

And I just feel so mixed up upside down in the darkness of the water that I don't even know which way to swim.

And it feels suffocating at times for myself.

And,

You know,

I am lucky I know,

Because I'm I mean,

I get to have darshan.

I mean,

I'm has been so good to me.

Like there's so many blessings.

I'm right by the hall right now I can hear the bhajans like I'm in the huts.

I'm right by the cow shed.

And I can see the cows chewing the cud.

So it's like I get all these beautiful messages.

And there's a cat today,

Which I felt was precious.

But also then I'm in my spinning in my shit.

And I think I need it's it's it's the thoughts are going crazy.

And I feel crazy.

And I also don't want to hurt anybody.

And I want to tell all of you guys that there is a substratum in all of us that is just chaotic and crazy.

Okay.

Okay,

Please get this.

And that is why the world is starting to go chaotic and crazy.

It's actually coming up to clear this.

So the most loving thing we can do is see this in ourselves.

Really,

It is chaotic and absolutely crazy.

It is a level.

Okay,

And it's really close to the soul.

It's like,

You know,

It's like our whole civilization.

It's like we've been doing this for,

You know,

Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years.

Well,

More than that.

We've reached this point where we're in this quantum bleep.

So all the stuff that we've repressed as as humans and pushed it down is,

Is coming up collectively.

And it is this horrible,

Crazy stuff.

Truly.

So maybe this is the window breaking,

Just understand that this is actually part of the territory.

Yeah.

And it's,

You know,

I,

You know,

I,

You know,

I said,

I got,

You know,

The boys and Peter would only take them to two weeks here.

But they saved me because I kept on having to pull it together to mother.

You know,

Otherwise,

I just I just don't see how I could have done it.

Really?

Yeah.

But you've got the ashram,

Right?

Stephanie,

And,

And you're more conscious about all this stuff than I was.

I didn't.

Yeah.

So kids are a tremendous blessing,

You guys,

Because they keep us grounded.

And they,

They give us tasks,

And we have to feed them and be normal.

It helps us be normal.

Yeah,

Sweetie.

And Stephanie,

It's it's savage and beautiful country.

Yeah.

I actually think,

You know,

It's kind of like just being more honest.

You know,

You're you get hooked with you,

You try to be good,

You try to do good,

Do good,

Do good is so strong in you.

And it's it's better just to be honest.

Just honest.

Okay.

Yeah.

Being truthful and honest is better than act that would be considered good.

It's like,

It's,

It's,

It's more powerful to be just absolutely true to yourself than to found a charity.

But the best is if you're true to yourself.

And as a byproduct of that,

You've found a charity like Amma does,

Right?

She does everything out of the truth of herself.

But a lot of times,

We do good with a real phony thing,

Covering up a lot of stuff.

We'll just do something good.

When we don't feel it.

And we,

You know,

A lot of times charities get set up with really pure motives,

And then they go off.

Yeah,

Honest,

Stephanie.

Honesty.

Yeah.

You're,

You know,

You're uncomfortable with yourself.

And so we,

We all are,

And women,

Particularly,

We get uncomfortable with ourselves,

Because we,

We don't know if all these repressed feminine stuff is okay,

When it comes up.

And,

And we,

We don't even think that it's possible to live in true feminine energy in this patriarchy.

But I did it.

I've done it.

This is how I live my life.

It's like,

You're just gonna have to be more honest and braver.

So how does that feel when I say that?

It feels impossible.

Like,

I know you've done it.

And I know it's possible in that way.

But for me,

It feels impossible.

And in some ways,

I just don't know how I can be any more braver than I have been when my whole life I've given to this.

I Yeah,

It's Yeah.

Yeah,

There's part of you that feels safer with the mafia energy,

The thuggy energy than being absolutely true to the subtleties of your own heart.

Okay,

So do you understand this?

Yes.

Yeah.

So that is the battle you're in.

So I would say that's the need to be honest,

And true to the subtleties of your heart.

Yeah.

And I can feel you,

You get so heady with it sometimes.

I mean,

You,

You try to figure it out with your head.

It's very understandable.

It's this is where the kids really helped me because they kept returning me down to the ground,

Right?

Well,

Sweetie pie,

I mean,

You could be stuck in this for the rest of your life.

Or you can be or you can let your soul bring you out of it.

Yeah,

I'm feeling maybe I'm going to go on tour with Amma if it happens.

And maybe I need that for a change.

I wasn't thinking to go.

You need to what?

Maybe I'll go on.

Maybe I'll go on.

There's a tour coming up with Amma,

Right?

Tour.

You know what?

I think that's a really good idea.

I think I need to do that.

I think you do.

Good.

That feels a lot better.

Okay.

And you know what,

Even if you bang up against the gang energy.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

Right?

Just watch it.

It's clearing.

Okay,

Okay.

Okay.

You're trying to fob me off a bit.

You don't want to talk about it.

You're trying to Okay,

Okay.

Don't don't talk about it.

Yeah.

Okay.

This is what I'm talking about with honesty.

Get more comfortable with just the truth of you.

This is where we have trouble.

Stephanie.

Yeah.

Good.

Good.

You know,

I feel like your heart feels like it's been heard.

Like your deeper heart feels like it's been heard.

This is good.

But sweetie pie,

This is,

You know,

This is early days of the journey.

And it's,

It's,

It's kind of some thick guck.

You know,

It's thick guck from the bottom of the barrel.

And,

You know,

It's just disowned power.

Okay.

So it's disowned left power.

And you'll learn how to own it.

You'll learn how to own it.

And you'll learn as you as you get more honest.

Yeah.

And,

And,

You know,

It's not like you're dishonest,

Sweetie.

I'm,

I'm working with you,

Though,

Because I know you want self realization.

So if you want self realization,

You have to allow a stiff training.

Okay,

You can have it both ways.

Right?

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay,

Good.

Okay,

I feel like you'll be able to be a little more dispassionate.

Yeah,

Good.

Okay,

Good work.

Well,

Yeah.

Okay,

Sweet.

You know,

By the time I felt like I was always too old,

Like by the time I grew with the tours and everything,

It was like,

I was like,

I don't know that I could sleep on the floor or anything.

So I didn't do them.

But you're young.

But still,

It's brave to do that.

And I'm a will you'll get almost grace for doing it,

Too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's better than sitting twiddling your thumbs all by yourself,

Right for three weeks.

Yeah.

And I'm always says like,

If people knew how much the tours help,

That they'd sell their house and go on the tours.

And,

You know,

In a way,

That's kind of what I'm done.

So you might as well go on tour and not be scared and sit back and watch go on the adventure.

So yeah,

Yeah.

And just be be true to yourself.

Okay.

Yeah,

That's gonna be the difficult part.

I know that.

But with almost grace,

It will be fine.

I did free to bed.

So I know it's like,

Okay,

Did it once in a way?

Yeah,

Just practice practice being true to yourself.

Okay.

Yeah,

What happens is,

We get less,

We start we have nothing to lose.

Why wouldn't you be true to yourself,

Right?

There's nothing to lose.

Okay,

Good.

Is everybody getting tired?

You want to go or do you want to keep going?

If somebody is desperate to speak,

I want to make room for for words or somebody wants to say something.

We've got a new person with Kristen.

Kristen.

But I'm not gonna ask.

Oh,

Good.

I'm here.

You can ask me to speak.

Okay,

Good.

Good.

How did you find this place?

Try to turn my video on.

I,

Um,

I've been attending Satsangs on Insight Timer since the summer.

Oh,

There we go.

Hi.

Hi.

If Marianne can be brave,

I guess I can be brave.

Yeah.

Well,

First,

I just thank you so much for holding this space.

And thank you,

Everyone.

I know you don't know me.

But I feel in some ways like I know you because I've been listening to you for a few months now.

I,

I'm kind of just amazed even to be here because I grew up in fundamentalist Christianity.

And I was very devout in that up through my 20s.

And then I turned away from all of that and turned away from God completely because I didn't.

That's not that's not God,

Which I now know.

And the joke,

The joke's not lost on me that my name is Kristen and means follower of Christ.

So I feel like I've started this new journey.

From a place of darkness I'm now I feel turning towards the light.

Alma is new to me.

And that energy of the divine feminine just like speaks to my soul.

And so I feel I feel a bit lost and confused.

But I'm I'm here to learn and absorb everything I can.

Great.

Great.

Yeah,

I feel like you're touching everybody's heart because that's how everybody feels.

Yeah,

Thank you.

Yeah.

You know,

We're making this quantum leap.

Nobody's got it.

So not sweet one.

So what do you need most right now?

Self love.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've been estranged from my family for a few years now.

And because they're still very I don't know,

Fundamentalist.

But it doesn't feel good.

It feels like I've just gone to a different,

A different form of dualism.

I guess.

I've been dreaming a lot about it lately.

And but I just I don't think I can make any progress until I love myself and have compassion for myself.

I don't.

Yeah,

I don't know.

Right.

That's right.

That's good.

That's really good.

You're very clear about that.

In a very deep way.

I can feel it.

And you've,

You know,

Moved away from your family,

Which takes a lot of guts.

And the thing is,

When we move away from our family,

Actually,

What happens?

I mean,

It's healthy.

But in this case,

But but then also,

Then we start seeing the patterns in ourselves,

Right?

We see it's not just them.

It's in us,

Right?

So that's where I feel where you are.

And that you just need a little bit of support for you to come into your heart in a in a in a much bigger and sweeter way.

It's like,

You kind of just need permission that it's really allowed.

And you're going to get this for me.

This is what this work is.

This is.

Yeah.

Right.

You got a really,

Really loving heart in there.

Kristen.

Yeah.

Oh,

You do.

Yeah.

Everybody knows I don't flatter.

I do the opposite.

So yeah,

You do.

Kristen.

Right.

I can definitely feel that I'm fighting.

Like I see the there's just a lot of fear inside of me.

And I know that's ego.

So I appreciate you calling me forward.

I don't know that I would have spoken up.

No,

But listen,

All of you guys,

When fear is clearing,

It comes up.

And just,

You know,

What can you do with it?

You just you can't fight it.

You just have to walk through it.

But it ends.

It ends.

It's like,

It's the egos,

You know,

It's just the egos fear of dying.

But we feel like we're under threat,

But it isn't.

There's no threat.

There's no firing squad for what you're doing.

It's like it needs to leave yourselves.

I guess.

Have you ever had bodywork or do you do you ever had anything like that?

A long time ago.

Recently,

I've been practicing yoga nidra.

And I feel things happening in my body.

Okay,

That's good.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well,

I'll just be what my work with you will be is just encouraging you to shift into this really big part of yours.

And I don't think it's that very far away,

Actually,

Kristen.

Yeah,

It's a relief.

Yeah,

No.

Because it's like you're simple.

You're simple with it,

Like your simple soul in the best possible way.

It's like,

You want to love and you're willing not to be too complicated about it.

And,

You know,

Yeah,

The fundamentalist stuff.

You know,

We have this fundamentalist street coming down my family line.

So I know it really well.

So yeah,

It's so that plus the American South.

Yeah.

Yeah.

However,

This is the rise of the feminine.

And this is a miraculous time where we can dump a lot of garbage.

So that's what I see you doing.

Okay.

Thank you.

I'm trying to trying to.

Yeah,

Don't don't you probably all of you guys monitor yourself so much it just gets you just grow out of it.

Just keep focusing on the creator doing your best.

And,

And the garbage dissolves.

It's like pouring almost says it's like pouring water,

Clear water into salt water.

Finally,

You end up with clear waters.

Many of you get stuck in your egos.

And you,

You fight with you,

You start fighting instead of just.

You know,

I had the feeling before we started about that I should have started with the story of all of you are on a plane on a train.

And you've got your suitcases on your head.

And I'm asking you to take your suitcases off your head.

That was what I was going to start with.

But I forgot that I might do it tomorrow.

No,

Kristen,

I don't I think you're going to receive permission.

So just relax.

Just do your just do your best and maxi it's a it's a it's you know,

It's a little bit like Stephanie step you've got a bigger there's a bundle of some some kind of unresolved baggage in there but it will it will come clear and you have been making progress steadily as have all of you no matter how you feel and and how are you feeling tired and exhausted.

Well,

You know,

It's good if those are the you know,

You're beginning to come out of the defenses.

You know,

If you're realizing how exhausting it is to live the way you do because you fuss so much about everything.

Yeah.

And it's such an exhausting unhappy way to live and you deserve so much better.

And you've got a heart of gold.

Yeah.

Yeah,

You do.

And you know,

I don't know why things happen why it's hard sometimes to grow.

You know,

We all come in with whatever we garbage we come in to clear and you know,

We just all we can do our best.

I just it's it's hard to watch.

It's hard to watch you suffer for so many years,

You know.

Right.

Right.

And make things hard for yourself.

Because you're doing it,

Sweetie.

Yeah,

I want you to really see that you do it and you do it to yourself,

Sweet one.

Yeah.

You know,

Peter,

My ex,

His mom,

You know,

Actually,

If I wouldn't have married him,

If I knew that guys are really affected by their moms,

Too,

You know,

The thing is,

Guys will say the wife will look like the her mom.

But guys,

You know,

They're really affected by the quality of their mom.

And Peter's mom,

You know,

She her husband died.

And then her best friend,

His best friend wanted to marry her.

And then he died,

He got leukemia and died.

And she never recovered from this.

So it is all she talked about.

So this happened when she was about 35.

She never talked about anything else.

Her life just stopped.

And when I went up there,

Peter and I got married and we stayed with her for a week.

I nagged Peter to like go to the pub every night with me because I couldn't stand to be around her for any length of time.

Because it was just so nihilistic.

Can you translate?

Do you need to translate any of this Anna?

Yeah,

I was just starting.

I didn't want to interrupt you.

So I also yeah,

So you know,

Prima Suda's mother-in-law.

Yeah,

So the mother of her ex-husband Peter,

She suffered a lot.

Her husband died,

Then she married the best friend of her late husband,

Who also died.

She suffered a lot and couldn't talk about anything else but her suffering.

So Prima Suda then,

Peter always said,

When they were there,

Let's go to the pub.

I can't hear that anymore.

So the thing that gave it away when we were driving into town when we first arrived,

We picked,

I don't know,

Picked her up and she was somewhere.

She,

I don't know,

Met us somewhere and we were driving into where she lived.

And as we passed every house,

She had a bad word about everybody we passed.

And I went,

Uh-oh.

You see,

And this is what,

When we're unhappy,

It's the kind of thing we do,

Right?

We spew it everywhere.

Yeah,

Poor woman,

Yeah.

Poor Prima Suda too.

Okay,

Well,

I have a lot of faith in you,

Anne,

So just keep going.

Thank you,

All of you.

Anyway,

We've gone way over,

But I just,

It's very captivating working with you.

Thank you,

Thank you,

Thank you for coming.