I began focusing on my nervous system a good six months ago.
At the time,
I had learned that a part of the reason one may suffer from binge eating disorder was because of a dysregulated nervous system.
Looking back over the decades.
And growing up in the environment I did.
I would have to believe.
I had a dysregulated nervous system from the get-go.
Probably even earlier.
Beginning in the womb.
After what seems like a pretty whack-a-mole life.
It made sense that my nervous system was not operating properly.
I began taking steps to regulate it.
With meditation.
Deep conscious breathing.
And protecting my well-being by being quite selective in how I spent my time,
And with whom.
In doing this,
Binge eating episodes have subsided.
The urgency.
The anxiety.
The chaos around eating has subsided.
In all honesty,
I cannot remember the last time I binged.
This is not to brag.
This is to show that what I am doing must be working.
Am I healed?
No.
Am I cured?
No.
Anyone who has struggled with binge eating knows the fragility of it.
Though the binges have subsided,
I am left with volume eating.
The obsession with and around food and eating remains.
It has changed.
Maybe even shifted.
In what feels to be a good and healthy way.
Though it still remains.
For me,
There is a very clear distinction.
Between a binge and overeating.
Slash volume eating episode.
With a binge,
There is urgency.
Excitement.
Anxiety.
Anticipation Chaos.
In overeating slash volume eating.
There is a bit of calmness,
Presence.
Satisfaction.
I have more of an awareness of what exactly I am doing.
At the same time.
My stop button remains malfunctioning.
After exploring a dysregulated nervous system and seeming to have made some progress.
My next exploration will be around volume eating.
Early exploration has led me to the term soul hunger.
A deep,
Persistent craving for meaning,
Connection,
Or purpose.
Yes.
Yes.
And yes.
A feeling of void.
Emptiness.
Like something is missing.
Yes.
Yes.
And yes again.
So in an attempt to fill that void.
That emptiness.
I overeat.
To fill the void.
To get rid of the void.
To fill the emptiness.
On a physical level,
This works.
I feel full in my stomach,
Abdominal area.
On a mental,
Emotional,
Spiritual level.
This doesn't work.
I feel sick.
Like I let myself down once again.
Like a failure.
Because I continue to do the behavior.
Over and over again.
Once all that food is digested,
The emptiness returns.
How do I now begin to make peace with the void?
The emptiness.
How do I allow it to be there without resistance?
How can I slowly start reducing the amount of food consumed at one time?
So that I feel good.
Satiated and content.
I believe the nervous system comes back into play here.
My mind and body need to know they are safe.
That they are not going to starve.
That they are not going to die.
That it is okay to eat a quote-unquote normal-sized meal.
Perhaps assuring the mind and body that more food will be available later.
You will not let them starve.
You will not forget about them.
A gentleness,
A kindness towards your mind and body.
A reassurance that they are okay.
And that they will be okay.
Calming and relaxing the nervous system to a point that it trusts more food will come later.
Creating a feeling of safety.
This is the time to work with our bodies.
Be patient with them.
Be appreciative.
Of all that they have done for us.
Especially if we are recovering from binge eating.
Befriend your body.
Befriend your mind.
With each passing conscious breath.
I know that volume eating will begin to subside.
Many blessings on this journey of recovery.
Much Love!
Namaste.
