Earth Rebels Session 3 - From Me To We

We can only move into this new Earth, this new flourishing human culture as a collective, as a circle, none of us can do it alone. In this session we cross-examine the individualistic beliefs that are so prevalent today - is there really such a thing as a self-made man or woman? We will also learn about Skin Hunger, an unknown pandemic, and how loneliness can lead you to great things.

Transcript

We are social beings.

To leave our tribe used to mean death.

But today we're supposed to forget all of that.

All of a hundred thousand years worth of DNA encoded knowledge and instinct.

And instead follow cultural pressure and the force of individualism.

As we grow up we change classes in school,

We move to new places,

We change workplaces.

We're constantly changing tribes in the modern world and our nervous system suffers from it.

All of this change makes us feel uprooted.

But since everyone else is uprooted we don't notice it.

For this session we're going to give our full attention to the most important thing in your life.

Your relationships.

Without them you are nothing.

With them everything is possible.

As the Lakota nation of North America so beautifully puts it,

Mitakuyasin,

We are all related,

Or to all my relations.

When did we forget this essential fact of life?

Interconnectedness,

As it is known in Buddhism.

When did we start to celebrate independence,

Loneliness and self-sufficiency over co-dependence and community?

When did we start to believe in the illusion of separation?

If you and I look deeper,

There is no such thing as a self-made man or woman.

We can't breathe without trees or plants.

We can't drink without the sun to evaporate the water from the oceans.

We can't be born without parents or grow up without the loving care from others.

I can't eat without the cooperation of my own belly and hands.

I can't think without the cooperation of my brain and nervous system.

Despite all of this we like to live our lives pretending that we can do everything by ourselves.

In my native country Sweden we are experts at loneliness.

In 2017 40% of our entire population lived by themselves.

Can you imagine half of every Chinese or Indian or Indonesian person living by themselves?

The space required for that would be impossible to arrange here on earth.

It is sometimes said that we are stone age monkeys living in a technological world and there is a hint of truth in it.

Because even though our material standards have improved a thousandfold since we used our stone axes and lived in caves,

Our brains have not evolved at a similar pace.

We still have a hard time keeping track of more than a hundred people in a closed circle and we still need our tribe around us to thrive.

Not just around us but we even need a touch of others for our well-being.

Warm and affectionate touch is life enabling.

If newborn babies are not touched daily in a warm and loving way,

They will actually die.

Even if they are fed,

Given water and staying in a warm room,

A young human body cannot grow and thrive without love.

Adults aren't any different.

If we do not get this warm and loving touch daily our skin grows hungry.

We get skin hunger.

It is a disease you probably haven't heard of even though it is a pandemic afflicting the entire industrialist world.

What are the symptoms of skin hunger you might ask?

The most obvious ones are restlessness,

Anxiety and a constant urge to do things,

Solve things,

Think of things,

Consume and produce.

When you get your skin hunger satisfied through hugs,

Massage from a friend or partner,

Dancing together or other more intimate moments,

You might have noticed that for a while the symptoms go away.

You might feel peaceful,

Calm and no need to think of anything special.

The reason this disease is called skin hunger is that it is actually not a disease.

It's more like hunger,

A basic human need we need to satisfy in order to thrive.

Just like we have to drink water every day to satisfy our thirst,

We need to share touch with someone every day to satisfy our skin hunger.

Unfortunately we have forgotten about this hunger.

Because unlike our hunger for food,

Water,

We can actually survive without loving touch for a long time.

Survive but never thrive.

We can survive for years and years in this skin hunger,

Always restless in stress and anxiety,

Feeling a constant lack of something that we don't really know.

As we are stuck in the mind trying to fill this skin hunger with everything but the loving touch that we truly need,

Our bodies never get to calm down.

We only go from doing to doing,

Never get to enjoy the being.

All of this is actually part of the great gift of loneliness.

Loneliness can be a sign of this skin hunger and it can also be a sign to tell us it's time to seek out our friends,

To find our tribe.

Loneliness is a natural response that we don't have to fight or try to get rid of.

It's the way of your heart to tell you that you need not walk this path alone.

We don't have to live this life alone.

Life gets so much better when we share it together with our friends and loved ones.

Loneliness can also be a gift to look even deeper inwards,

To follow the breath until that lonely voice inside comes to rest.

We return to this connection with the natural living world around us because we are never truly alone.

It's impossible.

There's always life around us.

There's always a myriad of beings that we can connect with in the seen and the unseen.

The next time you feel lonely,

Try to share it with someone.

Tell it to a friend or family member and see what happens.

It's actually quite magical.

As soon as you share this feeling and someone truly listens to you,

The loneliness disappears.

Because loneliness can only exist in a separated mind.

But when we connect through the heart,

Loneliness is impossible.

Because in that moment we remember how we are all connected.

It can be challenging to find this connection with our loved ones in the midst of our daily life.

In our everyday communication there are many loopholes we can get stuck in that prevent us from being fully present with each other.

In our habitual way of talking and listening,

We often fall into one of these six habits of the mind.

Maybe you recognize some of them.

Let's say that your friend calls and shares some really dark and difficult experience.

You hear that your friend is upset and you want to be there for them in the best way you can.

After a while a silence appears in the conversation and you reply to your friend,

Don't worry,

You did the best you could.

Then they reply,

No,

I knew I could do so much better.

And you reply,

No,

Don't worry,

You will have more chances,

I'm sure of it.

And then they reply,

No,

This was the only opportunity and I'm never going to get to try it again.

After a while they sound even worse than when you began talking.

Do you see what happened here?

Even though we can make such replies with the best of intentions,

We all know how frustrating it can be when we are sharing some feeling with someone.

And instead of just being listened to and to be heard in our pain and anxiety,

We're told what to do with our experience.

Don't worry,

You'll have more chances.

It's like someone is trying to lift us up when all we want is to be seen.

There are at least five other ways we can respond habitually and miss this moment of deep connection.

We can go into advice mode,

The next time I think you should,

Or even worse,

We can go into lecture mode.

Don't worry,

This could turn into an important experience for you if you see it in the right way.

Or we can shift focus to others.

Oh,

This reminds me of what this person said.

Or even more frustrating for the person sharing,

We can shift focus to ourselves.

Oh,

That was harsh,

But wait until you hear what I went through last week or last month or last year.

I think you know how this feels when someone does this,

But we tend to do it ourselves as well without noticing.

And how many times haven't we downplayed the emotions of our friends?

You don't have to take it so hard.

I don't feel so much about it.

Just,

Yeah,

Shrug your shoulders,

Let it go.

Or even worse,

We can compare the person's experience to the sufferings of others.

Well you know that there are people,

Well you know there are so many people who are poor,

Starving,

They have it much worse than you.

Does this seem familiar?

We do this all the time.

Sometimes it's of course very appropriate to give advice,

To comfort or shift focus.

But when you remain in the silence and listening,

You can often find a much deeper connection together.

On a subconscious level,

We can have such a difficulty in ourselves to accept the feelings that the other person is going through,

So we want them to get out of the feeling as fast as possible.

But this usually produces the opposite result,

And the person tends to get more upset,

More frustrated and more stuck in the feeling.

What we truly need from each other in our turmoils is this kind of complete presence.

This ability to listen to each other in a way that we feel truly heard.

One way to make space for this deep listening with presence is to use the ancient yet extremely advanced technology known as the talking stick.

This has been used by indigenous tribes all around the world to support this deep listening.

This technology is both user friendly and environmentally friendly.

All you need is a stick and someone to pass it to.

The rules are simple,

The person who holds the stick talks about what's on their hearts and everyone else listens with their full attention,

Without commenting,

Without giving any feedback or reply,

Just listening.

With the talking stick,

We can practice our deep listening,

This listening with our whole heart that in itself is tremendously healing.

And when it is our turn to speak,

We can share what is most intimate to us in that moment,

The most pressing matter of our soul,

And we know we will be heard completely.

Mani Tonkwat,

Or Medicine Story,

A native American who was spreading talking circles all around the world,

Sharing this ancient technology with whoever wanted.

He would say that when we listen fully in the circle,

We're remembering our original instructions.

The instructions known in the deepest part of our hearts,

Instructions on how to live this human life in peace,

In harmony and beauty,

In all our relationships.

And it is truly a good way to go from the me to the we,

Every day.

Reviews

So true. Thank you.

I'm going to incorporate the talking stick into our next family meeting. Thank you for this idea!

Thought provoking and especially relevant in these days of isolation. Shouldn't talking sticks be compulsory by the way?!

Truly worth a listen. Extremely perceptive. Thank you.
🙏

Exceptional insight ❤️

I like the concept of skin hunger and the way it is described. It helped me make sense of some of the sensations I've been expecting during the restrictions. Thank you!