Men: Chasing Success To Prove Yourself Is A Losing Strategy

Many men spend their lives chasing success, hoping it will finally help them feel enough. Yet no achievement ever seems to bring lasting relief. In this talk, you'll discover why the need to prove yourself can never be satisfied through accomplishments alone. You'll explore how childhood experiences—especially around parental approval, criticism, and emotional connection—can create a lifelong drive to earn your worth through performance. This reflective talk helps you understand the emotional roots of perfectionism, overachievement, and the pressure to succeed, while pointing you toward the deeper source of lasting self-worth, inner peace, and freedom.

Transcript

What if I told you that you will never ever be able to prove yourself? That no amount of accomplishments will ever get you to the place where you can finally relax saying, I've proved myself enough. Does that make you feel scared or relaxed? If you feel a constant need or pressure to prove yourself. You ultimately have a goal. And we want to really clearly define the goal in order to make sure that your strategy to get there is efficient. So if you're spending energy at work, In your career, Trying to prove yourself, What do you want? What are you hoping for? If you're like most men, You want to be able to relax. You want relief. You want to finally feel like you're enough. That once I've proven myself, I can finally just relax and live my life and feel enough inside. But the question is, Can accomplishments give you this feeling you're longing for? Can some amount of success give you the experience you're seeking? And the answer is no, It can't. But I don't want you to just believe me. I'm going to break it down so you understand why. So, First of all, If you look back at your life. . . How many wins have you had in your life? How many times have you accomplished something? Whether that's getting the grade you want in high school, Getting into the college you wanted, Getting a job you wanted, Getting promotions, Getting clients, You've had hundreds of wins throughout your life. And you've likely experienced a high or relief from each one. But how long does each high or relief last? For most men, The answer is hours or days. If you're lucky, Maybe weeks. And then you go right back to the same perpetual need to prove yourself. So you have enough data points in your life to recognize no success has ever given you lasting relief, A lasting feeling that you're enough and have proven it so fully that you never need to prove yourself again. But yet you keep moving the goalpost. Maybe if it's a bigger accomplishment, Maybe if it's a bigger success, Then I can finally prove that I'm enough. But there's a very important reason why no success, No accomplishment will ever be enough. And that's quite simply because an external accomplishment doesn't have the power to remove the source of why you feel not enough. Every time you get an external success or accomplishment, You add a new belief, A new thought that says, I'm great because I accomplished this. I'm great because I succeeded at that. And that feels good, But it doesn't remove any buried belief or emotion of inadequacy or shame from our childhood. So for basically every man, There are two things that happen during our childhood, Which are the source for the vast majority of the constant need to prove ourselves. One is, Our mother or father, Usually our father, Was upset with us at some point. At some point he was mad at you, Disappointed with you, Disapproving of you for something you did. Maybe you got a bad grade or a non-perfect grade. Maybe you made a bad decision, Maybe you made a mistake, That he was unhappy with you. And when he was unhappy with you, A part of you felt, I'm not enough. That if I was good enough, Dad would love me. Maybe we felt, I'm stupid, I'm no good, I made bad choices. Of course this can be subconscious, But every time that a father is upset with a child, The child internalizes, I am not enough, Or I am bad in some way. And that doesn't feel good. It feels inadequate, Shame, It feels scary because maybe I can lose my dad's love, Maybe he'll leave subconsciously and then I won't be safe. It has a big impact on a child. And then we can spend our whole life trying to make sure he never gets mad at us or disapproves of us or is disappointed with us so we never have to feel that shame again. And the other major cause, The second cause, Is when our father is. . . Let's say not overly Loving and praising us So when we have a father that's mostly analytical or emotionally disconnected or not so available Then oftentimes the only moments when we really got his love and approval was when we performed really well you know when we scored the winning goal in the the soccer game when we you know scored 20 points in the basketball game when we got a good grade when we You know performed better than others at something. He praised us. Maybe he was proud of us And that feeling is so important and so valued for all of us as children that We sort of finally feel enough and finally feel safe and relaxed when he gives us that hug or look of approval And then what happens is when we don't get it, When he's more distant, More cold, Not necessarily rejecting us or harsh to us, But is just more cold or distant, We feel i'm not enough The only way to get the love is to be great to be amazing to succeed to win And the rest of the time We're just not enough to be loved if I'm just ordinary if I'm just normal. It's like he's not gonna give me love He's not gonna give me affection. He's not gonna give me attention and then we spend our whole life trying to get away from that feeling of Not receiving love of not being enough Does that make sense for you? A lot of the times, If you don't resonate, If you don't feel it, It's very hard sometimes to connect to these origins. Because we might think, No, My dad was loving all the time, Or he was kind, Or it didn't bother me. I just myself want to prove that I'm great. But for basically every man, It starts as a boy with our father or our mother. And it's just subtle and sometimes tricky to access. And so if the origin of this is subtle, Some sort of feeling of inadequacy or shame or abandoned, You know, Left alone, Not being held and cared for in our childhood is the origin. Then no matter how much success we get later in life, No matter how much we prove I'm smart, No matter how much we prove we're good at our job, No, How much no matter how much praise we get from from our our field and our and our peers It's not enough to remove The layers of belief and inadequacy that we have from our childhood So in other words every success is it is an addition an additional belief and thought I am good because but none of that removes the belief I must be inadequate. Otherwise, My dad would love me or know, I'm bad because he's being unkind to me. It doesn't remove anything. So if we want to feel relaxed in our life, If we want to feel ease as we pursue our goals, Of course, It's still worthwhile to pursue our goals and have accomplishments and challenges. But When we feel relaxed within ourself, When we don't look for accomplishments to prove that I'm worthy, Then the pursuit of our goals feels more enjoyable. You know, If you imagine playing a sport when you're in high school or middle school, You know, If you're playing pickup basketball or soccer and You're not looking for your identity from it. Nothing's on the line, But you still give it your all because it's fun to give it your all. Not to prove that I'm better than everyone. Not to prove that I'm worthy. And our career can feel like that. Our career can feel like. You know, Yes, I love giving it my all and having a challenge in winning. I'm not going to seek Proving myself through my career because it will never ever give me relaxation So the more we recognize that accomplishments can't give us relaxation Then then it's sort of the the pursuit of relaxation the pursuit of relief the pursuit of feeling enough Shifts towards focusing on what is the source of it? What is the the the the origin shame inadequacy? Beliefs inside of me and how can I address that directly. And then separately I pursue sex success in my career. Maybe that was a little Freudian slip. I pursue whatever it is I pursue just to enjoy myself, To feel challenged, To grow, To evolve, Not to prove that I am enough. I hope that makes sense for you and I hope that can give you a little relief and maybe putting some more effort towards the source of why you feel pressured to prove yourself instead of wasting all of your energy trying to get accomplishments which can never actually give you the relief of finally proving yourself.