Thank you for this. I see the light in you. 🤲❤️🤲
Upon second listen:
I may have not been fully awake or present for this practice when I first listened to it. Something about it had been tugging at my spirit since yesterday morning when I listened to it as part of my morning practice - I have certain core practices but I have space within the time I gift to myself in order to explore new practices, new ways of teaching, and so on. Yesterday morning was somewhat chaotic and fast-paced; perhaps I did not permit myself the time to truly listen and process this then.
I have now.
I have tears in my eyes. This was and is so raw, so real, so resonant. While my personal journey has not included addiction in my past, the emotions described match up so well with other challenges I have lived with (and in some cases, continue to live with). I also have worked for nearly 20 years in human services, specifically with children and adults with diagnoses ranging from substance abuse to mental health (my formal educational background), developmental disabilities, and physical conditions.
I mention this because part of my tears are for hearing these same things from my clients, day in and day out. Most are not in a place to manage and sustain a forgiveness practice at this stage. I grieve for them in this and offer my support, but I grieve for myself as well because I AM them. I have physical challenges, some mental health conditions, and a developmental disability. (I use the term "disability" only for clarity here - I will not go into semantics in this venue, though I am a firm believer that this is simply a normal part of the human condition and a difference in wiring/ability rather than a society-declared "disability).
I have not permitted myself to fully be present with them because I have not been able to fully be present with myself yet. I shut myself away from them at a certain point because of this. And it is only now, listening to this practice a second time, where it is not a day I need to go to work and immerse myself in these situations, that I see all of this so clearly.
I am in a transitional period of grief as well, having lost two dear people (my last remaining grandparent and my workplace secretary of nearly 12 years) within 5 weeks, and another family member moving any day towards hospice care along with sending my only child off to college last week, a major surgery (my own) in this next month, an anniversary of another death, and workplace earthquakes. Among other things. I have not given myself time to be truly present with ANY of this. Everything has been moving too fast.
My therapist rather pointedly asked me last week when I was planning to take a vacation and give myself a break. I said during my recovery time off from the surgery. He shook his head and said that was recovery, not rest. More than my body needs healing. He was right. Your words here brought that slamming home to me. I need to forgive myself for not being present FOR myself, for not allowing myself the time I need, for those opportunities that have slipped past because I could not see them, lost in my own fog. I need to forgive myself and release the regret for those missed moments at the same time. Until I do this, I will continue to be stagnant - as I only now have realized I am, for which I am so grateful to you for enabling me to see with your words.
I share this openly in hopes that others who may be in a similar situation or state of being may benefit from the experiences I have had, both in general and specifically in regards to the sheer power this practice has and its ability to shine a gentle, healing light into those shadowy corners of ourselves we may not even realize exist.
Raw. Powerful. Resonant. Heart-felt. Love. Forgiveness. Healing. Life.
These words are this practice. And as before, I am so grateful for it. Bookmarked and downloaded. Your light shines brightly - do not hide it. Fan the cleansing, healing flames with loving self-confidence and self-worth. Brightest of blessings to all. 🤲❤️🤲
